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Featured Comment
"I have been married for twenty years to a man who lies, shows no emotion, had no interest in his children etc. I knew something was very wrong with him but could not put my finger on it, or knew there was a name for it. I found out he has been having sex with prostitutes and a lot of them for most if not all of our marriage. He is a Sociopath. He feels nothing for no one, is selfish, and could care less who he hurts.
"If you meet a man and he gives you clues that he might be a sociopath, run. Run like you have never run before; run like the wind and don't look back."
- April 9, 2011 2:52 AM
"If you meet a man and he gives you clues that he might be a sociopath, run. Run like you have never run before; run like the wind and don't look back."
- April 9, 2011 2:52 AM
Recommended Books:
Help For People Who Have Survived a Sociopath:
A psychotherapist who works with people surviving sociopaths has groups and individual sessions available most of the time. If her schedule is full, she will put you on a waiting list.
She was once married to a sociopath and, like so many others, had no idea until the bottom fell out of her life! She is now dedicated to supporting others who are going through this horrific experience. Email me if you have any questions for her. She would be happy to discuss anything regarding her practice or her experience.
She charges a fee, of course, but your insurance may cover it.
She was once married to a sociopath and, like so many others, had no idea until the bottom fell out of her life! She is now dedicated to supporting others who are going through this horrific experience. Email me if you have any questions for her. She would be happy to discuss anything regarding her practice or her experience.
She charges a fee, of course, but your insurance may cover it.
Support Groups:
Order of Protection Survivor:
A woman shares her story of living through the nightmare of having to file an Order of Protection against her husband while providing helpful resources for other women going through a similar scary situation: Order of Protection Survivor
Domestic Abuse Help:
If you are a victim of domestic abuse, find out what your options are.
Use this to find a local shelter in your area: United States DV Resources
Also, here's the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Use this to find a local shelter in your area: United States DV Resources
Also, here's the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Interview with Martha Stout
" . . . understanding this problem [sociopathy] creates an entire paradigm shift in the way we view human nature." - Dr. Martha Stout
Dr. Martha Stout
82 Marlborough Street
Boston, MA 02116 USA
On LivingHero.com is an interview with Dr. Martha Stout, clinical psychologist and bestselling, award-winning author on the subject of sociopathy.
For twenty-six years, she served as a Psychology Instructor in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and also taught at the Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology, Wellesley College, The New School for Social Research, and the National Institute of Mental Health. Dr. Stout has worked at Massachusetts General Hospital and McLean Psychiatric Hospital.
She is author of The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us, a National Bestseller and winner of a Books for a Better Life Award.
You may download the mp3 file for free, which will play in iTunes, RealPlayer, Windows Media Player and other media players or you may listen to it right here by clicking on the purple media player below. (The interview is about 30 minutes long.)
You can contact Martha Stout here:Dr. Martha Stout
82 Marlborough Street
Boston, MA 02116 USA
Psychopathy Awareness
An informative blog: Psychopathy Awareness.
Post Comments
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And make sure you subscribe to the comments so you know when someone answers you (you'll see a little box to click when you leave your comment).
And make sure you subscribe to the comments so you know when someone answers you (you'll see a little box to click when you leave your comment).
| + | What is a Psychopath? | |
| | This link goes to an answer from a psychopath research organization. And the link below goes to a discussion forum by the same organization. | |
| + | Topics include: Psychopath in your life | |
| | Parents - Children | |
| + | Psychopath in the Family | |
| | Parents - Siblings |
Save the World
Martha Stout said if more people knew about sociopaths there would be less war in the world. I think she's right. Consider these facts:
1. According to the famous Milgram experiments, 65 percent of people will follow the orders of an authority.
2. Sociopaths want to win. They seek control. They are excellent manipulators. They don't care who gets hurt. They don't care who lives or dies.
3. They sometimes make it to positions of power. And they cause wars.
If more people knew the characteristics of a sociopath, more people would identify them for what they are before they gain too much authority and power. A sociopath would then be less likely to ever gain significantly powerful positions.
Result: Fewer wars.
There would be less horror in the world.
The truth is, even though it is a common belief that "man is a violent species," we are not. But when a sociopath gains a position of supreme authority and they start wars, 65 percent will obey authority, and most of the rest will be fooled and manipulated into believing in supporting the cause. The result is war. And many of those who fight in them feel terrible about the whole thing. They don't want to kill. They feel they have to.
The reason sociopaths are able to get away with as much as they do is because most people are so ignorant about the topic.
Now listen: You are in a unique position to save the world. Not very many people know about such a thing as "common, everyday sociopaths." They don't know their characteristics. They don't know how to spot them.
But you do.
Share your knowledge. Share it far and wide and in every way you can. And urge everyone you know to help you spread the knowledge. This could change the course of history. It could go a long way toward real peace on earth.
1. According to the famous Milgram experiments, 65 percent of people will follow the orders of an authority.
2. Sociopaths want to win. They seek control. They are excellent manipulators. They don't care who gets hurt. They don't care who lives or dies.
3. They sometimes make it to positions of power. And they cause wars.
If more people knew the characteristics of a sociopath, more people would identify them for what they are before they gain too much authority and power. A sociopath would then be less likely to ever gain significantly powerful positions.
Result: Fewer wars.
There would be less horror in the world.
The truth is, even though it is a common belief that "man is a violent species," we are not. But when a sociopath gains a position of supreme authority and they start wars, 65 percent will obey authority, and most of the rest will be fooled and manipulated into believing in supporting the cause. The result is war. And many of those who fight in them feel terrible about the whole thing. They don't want to kill. They feel they have to.
The reason sociopaths are able to get away with as much as they do is because most people are so ignorant about the topic.
Now listen: You are in a unique position to save the world. Not very many people know about such a thing as "common, everyday sociopaths." They don't know their characteristics. They don't know how to spot them.
But you do.
Share your knowledge. Share it far and wide and in every way you can. And urge everyone you know to help you spread the knowledge. This could change the course of history. It could go a long way toward real peace on earth.
WikiHow on Sociopathy
WikiHow has several articles on sociopaths:
How to Deal With a Sociopath
How to Detect a Sociopath
How to Understand Sociopaths
How to Deal With a Sociopath
How to Detect a Sociopath
How to Understand Sociopaths
Scientific American Mind
In the September/October 2010 issue of Scientific American Mind is an article entitled, Inside the Mind of a Psychopath. Among other things, the reseachers wrote, "Aided by EEGs and brain scans, scientists have discovered that psychopaths possess significant impairments that affect their ability to feel emotions, read other people's cues and learn from their mistakes.
These deficiencies my be apparent in children who are as young as five years old.
When you tally trials, prison stays and inflicted damage, psychopaths cost us $250 billion to $400 billion a year.
The reseachers wrote:
Charming as they may seem, psychopaths can also be tone-deaf because they lack access to their own feelings and those of others. Imagine what it would be like never to be depressed or anxious, never to have regrets or low self-esteem but also never to care deeply for anyone or anything. Psychopaths' emotions are shallow: they feel irritated when they don't get their way and turn to risky behaviors for the flimsiest of reasons. Bereft of loyalties and passions, they wander through life, often straying into criminality on a whim — forgeries, thefts, assaults, even murders may be committed out of some trivial impulse. As for complex emotions such as devotion, guilt, or joy, theirs remains a textbook understanding — it has been said that they "know the words but not the music."
Dozens of studies reveal that psychopaths experience the world differently from other people. They have trouble making appropriate moral value judgments and putting the brakes on their impulses. They are also hampered in how they respond to emotions, language and distractions — a disconnect that is sometimes seen as early as age five.
Psychopaths are notable for their fearlessness: when confronted with images such as a looming attacker or a weapon aimed their way, they literally don't blink.
Chances are, you have met a psychopath. People with the disorder make up 0.5 to 1 percent of the general population. When you discount children, women (for reasons that remain a puzzle, few women are afflicted), and those who are already locked up, that translates to approximately 250,000 psychopaths living freely in the U.S.
Some researchers have estimated that as many as 500,000 psychopaths inhabit the U.S. prison system, and there may be another 250,000 more living freely — perhaps not committing serious crimes but still taking advantage of those around them.
Whatever the reasons, many psychiatrists are left with the false impression that psychopathy and antisocial personality disorder are the same. They are not. Antisocial personality disorder is a helpful diagnosis when the question is whether a person is likely to behave badly, but it does nothing to discriminate among criminals. Only one in five people with antisocial personality disorder is a psychopath.
The above was written by Kent A. Kiehl, a neuroscientist at the University of New Mexico, and Joshua W. Buckholtz, a PhD candidate in neuroscience at Vanderbilt University.
Contact them here:
Kent A. Kiehl
kkiehl@unm.edu
Joshua W. Buckholtz
joshua.buckholtz@vanderbilt.edu
These deficiencies my be apparent in children who are as young as five years old.
When you tally trials, prison stays and inflicted damage, psychopaths cost us $250 billion to $400 billion a year.
The reseachers wrote:
Charming as they may seem, psychopaths can also be tone-deaf because they lack access to their own feelings and those of others. Imagine what it would be like never to be depressed or anxious, never to have regrets or low self-esteem but also never to care deeply for anyone or anything. Psychopaths' emotions are shallow: they feel irritated when they don't get their way and turn to risky behaviors for the flimsiest of reasons. Bereft of loyalties and passions, they wander through life, often straying into criminality on a whim — forgeries, thefts, assaults, even murders may be committed out of some trivial impulse. As for complex emotions such as devotion, guilt, or joy, theirs remains a textbook understanding — it has been said that they "know the words but not the music."
Dozens of studies reveal that psychopaths experience the world differently from other people. They have trouble making appropriate moral value judgments and putting the brakes on their impulses. They are also hampered in how they respond to emotions, language and distractions — a disconnect that is sometimes seen as early as age five.
Psychopaths are notable for their fearlessness: when confronted with images such as a looming attacker or a weapon aimed their way, they literally don't blink.
Chances are, you have met a psychopath. People with the disorder make up 0.5 to 1 percent of the general population. When you discount children, women (for reasons that remain a puzzle, few women are afflicted), and those who are already locked up, that translates to approximately 250,000 psychopaths living freely in the U.S.
Some researchers have estimated that as many as 500,000 psychopaths inhabit the U.S. prison system, and there may be another 250,000 more living freely — perhaps not committing serious crimes but still taking advantage of those around them.
Whatever the reasons, many psychiatrists are left with the false impression that psychopathy and antisocial personality disorder are the same. They are not. Antisocial personality disorder is a helpful diagnosis when the question is whether a person is likely to behave badly, but it does nothing to discriminate among criminals. Only one in five people with antisocial personality disorder is a psychopath.
The above was written by Kent A. Kiehl, a neuroscientist at the University of New Mexico, and Joshua W. Buckholtz, a PhD candidate in neuroscience at Vanderbilt University.
Contact them here:
Kent A. Kiehl
kkiehl@unm.edu
Joshua W. Buckholtz
joshua.buckholtz@vanderbilt.edu
A Clarification on a Common Belief
"Man's inhumanity to man" should be changed to, "Sociopath's inhumanity to normal humans." It doesn't have the same poetic feeling, but it is more accurate.
Contact Me
Email me here: rising.up@gmail.com
2,335 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 1601 – 1800 of 2335 Newer› Newest»Thank you for your informative, well-balanced articles. I have great respect for people like you who do not beat around the bush, but simply state the facts with no sugar coating. Easy to read, easy to understand your clear points. God bless you and thank you again. Melissa
( I think my husband of 25 years is a low end sociopath.)
please check out David checkley who was convicted on the 15th of sept 2010 at bristol crown cout, and he had all what was said about sociopath i knew him and i was shocked i have known a person like this and i didn't noticed till it was too late.
November 2nd @ 8:21,
My first thought was also, "Leave town. Start a new life somewhere else." I know it's not right, and you shouldn't have to do that, but living in fear is no way to live either.
Asking Donna Anderson of "Love Fraud" for suggestions is a great idea too.
As the Anonymous answerer suggested, go to the Mayor, the town Attorney, the Chief of Police and I would add, the local paper, to get my voice heard, and if need be, to expose the lack of effective action by the police.
Another alternative is to stop being a victim to this and do everything you can to be in control and to take positive steps to get this man locked up. Always have an audio-recording device recording when he is around. Take photographs, as you tried to do, but get more aggressive about it. Arm yourself. Get a German Shepherd. Hire a private investigator, or try to get evidence about him yourself. Bust him in the act; get some irrefutible evidence. Refuse him any more visits, and let him take you to court if he wants to. Or sue him for damages, for assault, for child-abuse, for trespassing, for whatever.
Do whatever you have to do to prevent him from harming anyone else.
Doing the aggressive stuff is dangerous. But your situation is already dangerous. Enlist trusted friends to help you. Stay within the law and document everything.
I agree with Adam and the Anonymous poster's advice. But I also think maybe you can 'set him up' somehow. Maybe place illegal drugs in his car, but be really careful because if you are caught he will probably automatically get custody and he will destroy your child while you are locked up. He will also be sure to torment you, letting you know how he's destroying your child and there wouldn't be anything you could do. Nothing could be worse than that happening. I always say one of the biggest, hellish mistakes we can make is to have a child with a narcissist or a sociopath. I think it's worse than having cancer.
If you decide to do this you'll need to be real extra careful about where you get the illegal drugs and when and how to plant them in his car and when and how to call the police anonymously from an anonymous untraceable phone. Keep it a secret or be really extra careful who you tell. Keep in mind that some public pay phones, while untraceable, are near surveillance cameras ... so be careful. My point is, you could probably do something to get him locked up at least for a few years. Although he'll be a lot worse when released, and if so, you'd need to leave town and kind of disappear way before he's released. First try taking pictures and getting a big dog like Adam suggested. If the dog attacks him, make it seem as though you got the dog b/c of a prowler and not b/c of him.
If he's ever been arrested for something then set him up for that, as he will have little, if any, credibility in court. The court will probably believe that if he did 'it' once, he's capable of doing 'it' a second time. I do not see anything immoral about this approach as he's a sociopath who is abusing an innocent child that he has no love or feelings for. Don't let him destroy her or he will do just that. Children do not tell adults everything so there's probably more going on than you know about. Follow Adam's advice as well. It's a shame that you should have to go through this and take it to this extreme, but sadly, the law does not always protect good people and innocent children from sociopaths. Laws are made to protect the criminal more so than their victims.
Nov 4th 12:04 -- "Life without her has been a dream". That's what happens when you get a sociopath completely out of your life ... even if she is only 16. Take her back, and your 'dream' soon becomes a nightmare. I wish I had done that when my daughter was 16. Instead, I kept hoping she'd change. But she got worse and made my life hell. I think you did the right thing.
Better make sure your fingerprints aren't on the bag containing drugs or on anything that could bounce back to you. And if someone sees you placing the drugs in his car that could backfire. I think it is a risky thing to do unless he has a prior drug arrest and you know what you are doing. You do need to get away from him somehow and distance yourself so your daughter doesn't live in fear and grow up to be like dad. If he is in jail, that's one way but there might be a safer and less risky alternative or solution.
BTW, if the police become convinced that you got a dog b/c of him -- to get even with him, they might believe him if he insists that you only got the dog so it could attack him and so you encouraged the dog to attack him. Be careful. Although the question might be -- "what was he doing roaming around your yard at that particular time when he had no business being there"? Sociopaths are stupid, but nevertheless crafty, and they often know their way around the law. It's the only way they can survive.
I'd like to add to the previous comment here about 'sex with animals'. Anyone who has sex with an animal(s) has committed the crime of rape. The animal is an unwilling victim and is being violated. Animals do not want humans to do this to them. They cannot possibly consent and they don't want a human poking into their business --- it is rape! They are not having sex with an animal, they are raping an animal. "Having sex" implies consent, which is not a violation, ... but it's clearly a violation and so it's without a doubt .. rape ... and it's disgusting. I do agree sociopaths will engage in sex with anything that is breathing. Unless it's not breathing then it's a blow-up doll.
I first came across this article in October of 2009. Thank you, Mr. Khan for shedding light. I truly had no clue about sociopaths and the havoc they cause.
I was with (rather, he was with me and my family) a sociopath for 10 years. He is also a child predator/molester of the worse kind. He is very skilled at manipulation. Although I am considered to be highly intelligent, I was taken in. Unfortunately, my daughter dearly paid for this. The MONSTER brutally raped and terrorized my daughter from the time she was 10 until she was 15. And I never knew.
When my daughter told me the truth, all of his past behavior fell into place. His own daughter also admitted that he had molested her as well. I remember pushing him on extremely difficult topics (after I knew the truth, but before the detectives could arrest him – we were told not to confront him as he may kill us) and watching him very closely. His face would show emotion, until he turned away from me – I could see from the side of his face that he had no emotions.
He is very skilled. However sometimes he slips. I remember during my son’s memorial service (he was killed by a train) that the MONSTER sat at a table eating with friends. He took a fork and began stabbing himself repeatedly on the back of his hand. He had taken some of my “grief” pills and had been heavily drinking. He kept saying, “I just want to feel the pain like everyone else.”
Unfortunately, he is out on bail. His sentence (if found guilty by jury) will be 20-50 years. His attorney has mentioned a plea bargain of 12-15 years (unacceptable).
He lives six blocks from us. We are always on heightened security. Fortunately for us, he has already (within 5 months of arrest) targeted another woman who he met at church who has granddaughters. And it is very sad that though she has been told several times of the danger, he always manages to manipulate and lie his way out of it. It is very sad that this church so easily harbors this MONSTER with their “we have all sinned, Jesus died for our sins, we need to forgive” mantra. And it is very unfortunate that the American system cannot do anything to stop this. Innocent until proven guilty my ass.
And by the way, I noted that some of the comments referred to the possibility that these MONSTERS may just have PTSD. Bullshit. My daughter has extreme PTSD as do I. We both have empathy for others. Suffering from PTSD is not the same as sociopathic behaviors.
If you're co-parenting with a sociopath or narcissist and he/she is abusing the children in any way at all, or violating the court visitation rules, even if it's not physical (abuse is abuse) and the scars are not visible, try to get him/her arrested for drunk driving if the courts won't help you in any other way.
Take it upon yourself to protect your children if the courts or CPS won't help you. It's not that hard to do. Just wait for the right time, not the time when they are only having one beer or drink. That's what I did and it worked. My ex was not an alcoholic but he did drink a few beers every other Friday night with the guys at the billiards hall a few miles away from our home. I had to wait a few weeks for a Sunday afternoon when I knew he didn't have to get up early the next morning for work and he was at a big birthday bash, so I figured he'd drink more. The more drunk, the better. I waited in the back part of the parking lot with my sister in my girlfriends car and then called from my girlfriends phone that I had borrowed. I timed it perfectly as I know the local police here can't respond immediately since they're understaffed on weekends.
So, he was arrested and lost his license and driving privileges as it was his 2nd offense and the police had it in for him after that. We live in a small town and I can't say everyone knows everyone, but the police still are on the lookout for him in case he decides to leave town (hope so). If your spouse doesn't drink then it might not work but if you follow them to their local hangout or to a party you know they'll be attending and drinking, call the police and tell them someone is swerving all over the road and you think they might be a drunk driver.
When we went to court for visitation, I told the judge and CPS that he's an alcoholic who drinks in front of our kids, when actually he is not much of a weekday drinker and doesn't drink in front of the kids but he does other things that are not so provable such as emotionally and mentally abuse them however he can and then he tries to make them think they are crazy by hiding their stuff and denying it for whatever crazy scheme he can think of and he tells his own children that I (their mom) does not really love them. We live in a State that enforces "Alienation of Affection" but that's a challenge to prove so I just went with the drunk driving story. This way he has little credibility because he has a DWI on his record. He's just a hateful, spiteful, dumb, once a week, beer guzzling sociopath arse. Everyone has some weakness .. use them to your advantage.
I agree with the previous Nov 6th post AND I also want to mention that there's a pathology there, meaning, only a Sociopath/Psychopath would 'rape' an animal. A person has to be mentally sick, deranged, ie, without a conscience, to abuse an animal in any manner whatsoever, including rape. Good point.
To the poster whose daughter was raped by the sociopath monster. I sure know what that's like. My daughter was also molested by a monster when she was young and I didn't know until after the fact. It is a heartbreaking experience. I was also molested by my father and my mentally insane mother did nothing to stop it because she is a sociopath. These sick, mentally disturbed monsters deserve to die a horrible death. Sociopaths do not do anything good for anyone. Don't expect them to listen to any reasoning. They only care about themselves.
I also agree that PTSD is not the same as socio-pathology. I agree that many of today's churches are pure bs. I think if they are supporting a child molester or rapist in any way, then they are sociopaths as well. I've noticed how sociopaths tend to support each other. They stick up for each other.
If I were you, I'd contact the local Child Protective Services in your State and give them the child molesters name and information and tell them that he's around this woman's grand daughters. The woman you mentioned may not be protecting her grandchildren because she might be a sociopath, like my mother. Most sociopaths will not do anything to protect anyone, including their own children and grandchildren. My mother didn't protect me because she didn't want to lose her big house and bring shame on the family. So, I had to suffer as a result. When I was 13 yrs old, my biggest fear wasn't what most girls that age normally fear. My biggest fear was that my father would get me pregnant. I hope you make that phone call and help these children. I would make that call if I were you and keep hounding them until he is stopped so that what happened to your daughter doesn't happen to another innocent child.
My mother is a classic sociopath and my father a narcissist-pedophile, and as a result, I have severe PTSD, yet I am a very compassionate, sensitive and caring person. I do not know how I survived such a horrible childhood. Although I have PTSD from my bad childhood, I have a lot of empathy for others. People who suffer from PTSD and people who are sociopaths are two totally different people. One is evil while the other is not.
To the poster who suggested calling CPS (I cannot label you as someone who was raped and your child was raped - although I do not know you I am certain that this is not what defines you by your post) - I've called. Several times. Unfortunately they can't do anything because this was his first offense (more likely the first time someone filed charges). It is very unfortunate. Not only have I called CPS, but I have put word out through mutual friends. He manages to manipulate this woman (using scriptures and what they have learned at church) every time.
My heart goes out to you. I am sorry that your mother made the wrong choice. Many do. From talking with the prosecutors, detectives and attorneys I have learned that many people do not want to suffer the embarassment.
These monsters need to die. I hope that the prison system takes care of that.
Thank you, thank you!!!
I have been step-parenting for the past 20 years my partners daughter (now 26) who fits all the criteria you describe for sociopathy. I couldn't hope to tell you all the things she has done. I have often thought of writing a book so other people can read it and realise that they are not the only ones going through it.
Even as a little girl she was incredibly intelligent. Since teenage years she has rebelled against anything that meant she had to conform to a set of rules. They didn’t apply to her. Needless to say her formal education is severely lacking. Since leaving school she has hardly worked as she has worked out how to use the social welfare system and other people to have the type of lifestyle she wants.
She just about destroyed our relationship, and her mothers also, but fortunately for us we were strong, or maybe just plain stubborn. It got to the point several times that I nearly found somewhere else to live as I actually feared for my safety if I was on my own with her. I have never felt so guilty as the day that I told Rob that if she didn't leave then I had to for my own sanity. She has now been gone (more or less) for 14 months. Rob and I can live without feeling that we are walking on egg shells every day.
We have tried to help her so much but have never made one jot of difference. She lurches from one disaster to the next which all relate to absolute irresponsibility and as you say 'it is always someone elses fault or the circumstances fault - I am the victim'.
The latest crisis is that she is pregnant (yet again) to a guy she met in rehab. We have given up counting how many abortions (real and supposed) that she has had. We worked out that she must have become pregnant very shortly after meeting him (days as opposed to weeks). She proclaims to be 'so much in love' but I am sure that this relationship will go the way of all the others that she has been in.
She already has one daughter who is in the custody of her grandmother as she couldn't be responsible enough to look after her. We cringe at the thought of her having another child.
As an educationalist, I could see what was going on and could never believe how manipulative she was and that others couldn't see it. The laying of guilt trips on her father was incredible to see but he loved her so much that for a long time he really did believe that she was the victim and he was the cause of her behaviour.
It has been an incredibly difficult time and it is only now that my partner has made the conscious decision that he can't help her any longer, and will not put up with the behaviours, that we are moving on. Unfortunately, it took him being confronted by her behaviours and accepting that she was deliberately manipulating things to make her appear the victim yet again. She was expelled from rehab (after breaking the rules yet again). He was still so supportive of her but when she lied about why she was sent home, along with him going with her to a counselling session where he could see her lying to and manipulating the supposedly professional counsellors into believing everything she was saying, he was able to let go.
The other key to Rob letting go was talking to a friend about his daughter and how he had to let her go as there was no way he could help her and was actually enabling her behaviours. It took until that woman was 30 years old. Rob realised that he was enabling his daughter to continue with her behaviours.
Well, it is coming up to Xmas and, without fail for the past 12 years, my step-daughter will come up with something to create stress at what should be a joyous time. I know people will say that I am being negative but it definitely appears to be a behavioural pattern that she has. She has already started with causing friction through personal attacks on my daughter and I. Hopefully we can get through it without too much difficulty.
"She was expelled from rehab after breaking the rules yet again".
IMO, I do not believe that rehab works for sociopaths. I do think rehab works well for people who have addictions, but only if they still have empathy and compassion for others and they can accept responsibility, such as those with PTSD or depression, or severe anxiety or maybe they do not have one of these emotional disorders and are only dealing with the addiction. But they have the ability to feel for others and also to see how they hurt others with their bad choices so the rehab can work for them.
My son-in-law is sending his 20 yr old sociopath daughter to rehab for both drug and alcohol abuse. She has been going for months now and there is no improvement. Plus, this is the second round. She went last year and it didn't work then either. They could have used the medical co-pays and the other out-of-pocket expenses for a cruise or a nice vacation of some sort. Instead they spent their hard-earned money on this worthless, ungrateful, trouble maker that no one likes. I am glad your husband had the sense to finally get your step-daughter out of your lives so you could finally live in peace. I hope my son-in-law sees the light of day real soon on this issue and does the same thing. My daughter is suffering tremendously over her mean and cruel step-daughter and I can see that it is affecting my son-in-laws health. I hate to see them so miserable when they could be so happy. I just do not believe that rehab works or can be effective for sociopaths, but that's my opinion.
The reason I think this is because an individual absolutely MUST be able to take responsibility and be accountable for their thoughts, decisions and actions, and sociopaths blame-shift. They lack the ability to take responsibility. That's just part of being a sociopath. One of the main criteria for sociopaths is that they cannot and they do not take responsibility. They lack the ability to do so. With that said, IMO, rehab quite often really does work and it is very effective for many people, but I don't think that's true for sociopaths. I think sociopaths are hopeless, lost souls.
I hope and pray my son-in-law makes the decision your husband made and gets his destructive daughter completely out of their lives so that they can live in the peace that they both deserve and so I can have my daughter back.
(tigress) Haven't stopped by in awhile but there's an odd little update. The girl he cheated on me with and left me for contacted me wanting to know why we broke up because his explanation didn't make any sense. So I explained it from my point of view though leaving out that I think he's a socio and all those details but just the break up details. This included the fact he was cheating on me with her when he said I should break up with him if he ever cheats.
Her response was asking me not to be mad at her. My god girl, why don't you just post a victimize me sticker on your forehead. I so want to tell her all the details but she would just think I was making stuff up to break her up. I was never mad at her of course I feel sorry for her being his next victim.
I can only hope that despite her naive little girl like response to me that her already questioning him behind his back means she will see the light sooner than I did and save her self.
I think my long term friend might be a sociopath. He no longer uses me but i find it strange that after knowing him for so i can't tell when he's lying or not. He always skip out on his job and shows little to no responsibility for his actions. He constantly doing as many drugs as possible and is always trying to keep himself entertained. He doesn't do anything for anyone unless he gets something in return. And it sometimes seems he makes things up to get out of responsibilities or simply to get people to buy him things and never gives anything back. He drained me and a few of my friends dry of money and he seemed to not be able to accept it was due to his lack of responsibility. He has lied to his parents to get money for rent which he spent on drugs and other things.
There's more but i don't know if anyone is even listening i've searched all over the internet to talk to an actual sociopath because i'm concerned. I want to know if he just doesn't care or if he's just a horrible friend. I've been reasearching this constantly nearly all day and night for the past few days and if there is something i can do i would want nothing more but to help. But if he just doesn't care i can live with that too.
(tigress) okay she wasn't getting all of my emails. She didn't know we were still together as he'd told her we'd already broken up. She's already forgiven him though. Though she already see's that he puts words in her mouth and insists she said things she never did and things like that so she may still have hope of getting out sooner rather than later. I still had to bite my tongue not to share the other things I know about him like torturing animals when he was young and his lack of empathy, and how he takes joy in hurting others and admitted that to me. I know she wouldn't believe a word of it as I know I wouldn't have in her place. I don't know if I'm being foolish but I'd like to keep the door open with her, though that is risking his getting upset with me and then who knows but so far those embers haven't ignited.
I think my ex is a sociopath but not sure. I think women may act differnt if they are sociopathic. when I met her she was very feminine and sweet. I later found out she was tom boyish before she met me but heard that I like femme girls and did a total make-over of her look. anything I was interested in she was interested in. I love football she'd love football. even though she really didn't love it. she had nothing to talk about. she'd never share stories. she'd just say that her past was boring in comparison to mine. she'd cry and go on about how broke she was so being the caring man I am I would offer her money. all her relationships before me lasted around 3 years max this seems to be as long as she can stay with someone. she used to hit me when we'd get into yelling arguments. I would just take it.
she broke up with me while a bunch of friends were around and acted like a little saint afterwards like nothing happened. I was a mess and my friend asked what she said. she had gone on about how it was all my fault that she was leaving and I should've gotten help for my anger LoL she'd scream and hit me in the past though! she was also upset saying that she was broke and not sure where'd she'd live now. almost hinting I should help her out still. then found out she was with another man even though she swore on her childs life that she was NOT cheating on me. she is now married and had a kid with this guy after only being together for 3 months.
It seems like she's the same way with this new guy. she just imitates everything he's into. I spoke with her other ex and he said the break up sounded very, very similar to how she broke up with him years earlier! do you think she's a sociapath or just messed up?
We have a 16 yr. old boy, adopted at 8, who has pretty much all of the symtoms of a sociopath. We have had him in counseling, a private school, and last week he snapped when I tried to ground him for downloading sexual movies. He pulled a knife on me and beat up my husband. He is in jail and we are going to give up our rights to him. This is a nightmare and it is the hardest thing we have to do. Even knowing he is mentally ill, we still love him but could never ever trust him. God help these people and those who love them.
@November 10th poster ~ In regard to your friend/bandmate...take whatever he says as bullshit and shrug it off. Protect yourself by not allowing this parasite to take avantage of you anymore. There is NOTHING you can do except maybe warn others (particulary those he is targeting as next victim). There is no therapy and no medication that can magically imbibe these monsters with a conscience and an ability to feel empathy..it is impossible. I know much of the information out there suggests that these monsters are friendless however, this is untrue depending on the level of fuckedupedness...some of them will have human supply (not friends) whom they manage not to piss off too much, it helps with there ability to "appear" as the rest of us. It sucks but its a losing battle...good luck
What if you were scapegoated by your family of origin? The hideous reality of being scapegoated is that you can become an outcast for life; no one accepts you...and/or your relationships with others make you vulnerable to their whims...you get exploited. Speaking as a scapegoat, I was born innocent and beautfil...very kindhearted...but look like a sociopath because of others demonizing me. Figure it out...the real sociopaths can be your own parents. I highly urge everyone and anyone who thinks they are sociopathic to read a lot about upbringing. The cleverest parents can make or break you. Take it from me...surviving but miserable. Signed a Scapegoat
Be careful what you accuse others of...not all violent and troublesome people are sociopaths, and not all quiet, seemingly unemotional types are either. You could be labeling innocent people who just tend to be introverted, intellectual as opposed to emotional, or the result of past abuse that made them want to avoid other people. Please be careful and honest in your assessment of others. A charming person who does not want to engage in others may have a history of rejection in their families because the family itselt was disturbed. My parents are the perfect example; a bad match and a very unhappy mother; she took it out on me everyday of my life. I am a mess now and am almost 60 years old. I can barely lift my head off of my pillow. Please don't label me...
November 9th post - "I've called. Several times. Unfortunately they can't do anything because this was his first offense (more likely the first time someone filed charges). It is very unfortunate."
I shouldn't have assumed you didn't call. I guess I had a hard time believing that they didn't do anything and take action because it's his first offense. That's outrageous.
I know you agree -- it is NOT his first offense. He has many victims. You have done what you could. The rest is up to them. I do hope you and your daughter can heal from this tragedy. He will get his punishment someday.
It amazes me how they are actually waiting for this monster to molest again before they take necessary action and lock him away for good so he can't harm anymore children. So, what they are saying is that more innocent children will have to suffer first, before they will do anything. Horrible AND Unbelievable. The (dysfunctional) legal system favors the criminals, not the victims.
To the November 14th posts ...
I can relate, as I too was scapegoated for many years. My family is full of sociopaths, so I always felt very different, like I didn't belong. I am attractive and intelligent, and they are not. I am tolerant, patient, kind and compassionate, unlike them. I also have a conscience, and they don't. What they put me through for years was awful, it was a heartbreaking experience. Sometimes my heart would pound through my chest. I was actually terrified of my own family. None of them had ever been arrested or ever had criminal records, yet I was terrified of them, especially around the Holidays. I never knew what they would do next. We were as different as Atheists and Christians are different. I actually had to move my family away, out of state, b/c my mother and my two sisters, and one of my brothers, did this to me for years. I later learned that I am an Empath and they are Sociopaths. Huge difference. I can live with that now. At least I have the answers as I had always wondered what I did to bring this behavior out in them. The truth is, I did nothing. They were crazy. I should never have doubted myself. I wasted years and precious time crying and wondering and worrying how I made crazy people act crazy. That in itself, is crazy.
It's almost 20 years later and their lives are in the shitter, while mine no longer is. In fact, one of them, my younger sister, the terrorizer, recently died a horrible death at the age of 52. In spite of all the awful things she did to me and how it affected my daughters and how she and my mother scapegoated me, I was still horrified and unbelievably torn apart by her recent death. My sister died in screaming agony while my socio mother (the enabler) looked on helplessly and suffered along with my sister as she lay dying. My mother lost her 'partner in crime'. My sisters death was beyond horrid as the cancer ate her away. It had (mets) spread to her bones and her bones were slowly fracturing as she lie in bed screaming in pain, for over 2 months until she took her last breath. I always thought I'd enjoy seeing her writhe in pain someday, but also thought that I'd never see the day. I didn't wish for it, instead I just moved away and kept my distance, but not quite enough distance. Then, when all this suddenly happened, and she was hospitalized, I learned a lot about myself. I grieved for her and to see her in such agony was beyond disturbing. Maybe because I have such deep empathy, and a conscience as well. I held her hand and prayed for her. I whispered comforting things to her even though she couldn't respond. I knew she was terrified to die. I hounded the Nurses to increase her pain meds. I never imagined this would happen. Even though she made my life miserable playing our mother against me and using me as a scapegoat for no reason, I still cry over the horror of her last two months on Earth.
CONT'D from last post ...
Anyway, recently, I've been reading a lot about 'the truth about Hell' and 'is there really a place called Hell' as I fear for her Soul. I used to doubt Hell but I realized I was doubting God's word and the Bible as well. So, I have changed my mind. I hope and pray she is not there even though she terrified me throughout my life, as she enjoyed scapegoating and terrorizing me. I now believe that there really IS such a place as Hell from what I read. In spite of everything I truly hope and pray she is not there. I guess there's truth to that old expression, 'what goes around comes around'. We don't need to wish anything bad on anyone, justice is always served and 'the Man upstairs' takes care of it without our helping. In the end, we do pay the price for our sins. I wish I could take back all of the times I was depressed or miserable b/c she made my life Hell. I wasted so much time being miserable, precious time taken from my family when I had the choice and freedom to ignore them and stay completely away and to live in the present moment and to be happy with my own family. It's time that I can never get back ... memories that I didn't create. You can't fix crazy and you didn't cause it. Stay away from these people and choose to live in the present as much as you can.
"Be careful what you accuse others of"...
I think that there's a vast difference between someone who is introverted, traumatized and depressed ... AND someone who lacks empathy and a conscience and is a sociopath. They are two very, very, completely different people.
I hope that no one is labeling you. I could have written your post, so I know how you feel, at least up to a point. I suffer from PTSD as a result of the very same things that you mentioned in your post. I plan to get treatment for the PTSD. I am not a sociopath. I have 'post traumatic stress syndrome', and, as a result of my horrid past with a sociopath mother and siblings I posted earlier about, I have a lot of emotional triggers and a lot of emotional pain. So, I avoid people as well. Sometimes, I'll even go out of my way not to have to say 'hello' to someone. It's just a 'safety-defense mechanism'. I am not a snob or a sociopath. I have a lot of healing to do over my past. But, this doesn't make me (or you) a sociopath.
I plan to get professional treatment, counseling for the PTSD ... AND to stay clear away from all toxic people, such as my horrible abusive mother so that I can heal and re-build my life. If they are in my life, I certainly cannot heal. I do hope you decide to work on improving the quality of your life. You deserve better. If you can barely lift your head off the pillow you are suffering tremendously, and I know that pain, but there is help if you ask for it. You can move forward with the right help and support. Then don't look back. I believe that life was meant to be a learning experience and one that we should enjoy. Life is too short to be miserable. Read my last two posts. I do hope you will distance yourself from toxic people aka sociopaths, and ignore those who are labeling you, as that is so unfair, cruel and re-traumatizing.
I agree -- people who were scapegoated as children and teens and even into their adult years are much more likely to be exploited (and to become victims of scams & con-artists) all throughout their adult years.
They are also more likely to avoid people as they don't trust their instincts, and they also have a hard time trusting others as well. If you avoid people you don't have to worry about being used or abused. But I do not believe that is really a healthy approach or solution.
It's hard to tell when the rug will be pulled out from under you when it happened over and over and you've spent your childhood being scapegoated by your own family, the very people who should be there for you, but who instead chose to exploit you for no reason other than for the (sick) fun or thrill of it.
At some point, our instincts shut down and we have to work on getting them back. When we ignore our instincts and our internal messages, they eventually stop coming to us and we shut down. I'd like it to a 'system crash'. I speak from personal experience. I was scapegoated for no reason and now I have to work on rebuilding my instinctual abilities, self-esteem and ability to trust.
The sociopath that invaded my life has had his attorney call and ask if I will drop an order of protection against him. So its clear to me that the judical system does not concern themselves with these individuals as much as they should. Of course I said no and Im quite offended that they seen that as an option. What are the lawyers thinking? Yes I would love to have the maniac you represent invade my life and turn it upside again. That goes to show that you can buy your way out of anything. The most dangerous person is a sociopath with money.
Anonymous - "If you can barely lift your head off the pillow then you are suffering tremendously, and I know that pain, but there is help if you ask for it. You can move forward with the right help and support. Then don't look back".
I agree, there is help if you ask for help but if and when you do ask for help, that doesn't include 'them'. Trying to heal through these toxic people (sociopaths & narcissists) or trying to reason with the very people who caused you so much distress and pain is an exercise in futility, not too mention dangerous and totally ineffective.
Remove yourself from them -- physically, emotionally AND spiritually -- even if they are blood/family. Get professional counseling that's right for you. What works for one person doesn't work for another. And DO NOT ever let 'them' know or find out about your therapy or counseling.
If I were you I'd get as far away from them and as soon as possible -- the sooner the better. These horrid people have caused good, decent, kind people to lose their wonderful personalities or to break down, and in extreme cases, to commit suicide. They might pretend they are helping you, but in reality they will not help you -- don't expect it. They will not have empathy for you -- do not expect that either. Keep your Therapy of choice, a secret from them.
"The most dangerous person is a sociopath with money"
I agree. That's because money is power and giving any power to a sociopath always has a negative outcome.
IMO, most attorneys are sociopaths. I think that they are drawn to this particular field as it's perfect for them. They are not held accountable for anything, including ripping people off. They can charge any amount they want, including exorbitant rates for little output or positive end results. They can change the terms and conditions to suit their needs and on a moments notice. They can screw with their clients and not get fired. Unlike most other professions, they do not need to be productive or remorseful in order to remain employed.
The people that we need to get an (OOP) "order of protection" against, are the very same people who might go berserk over it.
I'm a psychotherapist who specializes in addictions. I like your description of sociopaths and have encountered a few both in clinical settings and personally. I did want to say that many of the traits you list also overlep with someone with an active addiction (drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling to name a few). In my experience, people in "active" addiction have these traits, but- often very quickly- after they begin recovery they are able to express remorse, guilt, make amends, etc. I think you may want to caution people to rule out a substance use disorder or other compulsion before labeling someone a sociopath. A true sociopath isn't able to experience empathy, but often addicts caught up in their addiction can't either.
Our legal system and mental health professionals are ill equipped to deal with SPs as Dr. Martha Stout states in a new interview that is quite informative. Go to link.
http://jari.podbean.com/
IF YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO CONFRONT THE SOCIOPATH WHO CAUSED MANY PROBLEMS AND PAIN IN YOUR LIFE WOULD YOU? MEANING YOU COULD VOICE ALL YOUR PAIN,CONFUSION,HURT, ETC. IN A NO HOLDS BARRED SITUATION WOULD IT BE WORTH THE MENTAL RELEASE OF STRESS AND PAIN YOU HAVE INDURED? OBVIOUSLY IT WOULD NOT AFFECT THE SP BUT SOME RELEASE WITHIN YOURSELF MAY BE BENEFICIAL. ANY INPUT?
My ex girlfriend dated and lived with a sociopath (3 yrs) as I have discovered from hearing her stories... He still torments her by the stupidest ways like sending flowers , leaving typed notes on her car,and home , but always said to her " I don't know what ur talking about...and she proved it was him..When they were together He use to let her "treasured" dog loose so it might run away.(6xs) He also destroyed her kids blowup slide pool with a lawnmower ,the kids loved playing on it all summer, when they cried he just said Sorry I must of been to close , ( 2 feet into it?) There's more but my question is What is the best defense to make him move on....? I tell her to not let him know he getting to her, he just loves to see her complain to him...
What , should I beat his ass ?
Matt Sam Gross of Houston TX fromally Middletown NY is a sociopath. Ex pilot who is broke and does not work. He will lie, cheat, and steal from you. Matt has drinking and drug problems. HE will charm you and make you belive he loves you but its a lie. Matt is always tyring to get his ex wife back and will deny your relationship to her. Michell Berguex of Verde woodson park is his bitch and he cheats with her.. Does Matt leave his phone in the car to charge? Is his stories always contradicting themselves? Follow your gut instinct. Dont trust him. Dont let your children or family meet him. Get as far away from him as you can.
I don't know if this is appropriate but here goes ... there's a website called womansavers . com and you can post info there about male cheaters and abusers. The website is not a secret. It has been around for some time and it's purpose is not to bash people but to warn others, mostly women, about abusive sociopath men so that they don't date the men who are listed on there and put themselves and their children and families in jeopardy.
If anyone posts info that is not true, and it is a made up story in an effort to seek revenge, the poster can be sued for liable. So, you'll want to be careful what you say as anything posted on this website must be accurate and true.
There is also a website for men who want to post about sociopath women and to warn men about a sociopath female but I forget the name of the website.
Anonymous - November 18th @8:57 ...
I wouldn't go there. Sociopaths enjoy seeing others in pain. It is a source of entertainment for them. I know how you feel and I feel for you. I'd love to tell my ex-husband about the pain and tragedy he caused me and my daughter, but he wouldn't get it. Nothing good would come of it. Your misery is their happiness. The reality is that deep down sociopaths are miserable. They hide this from others but most sociopaths are really miserable because they know something is wrong with them, but they don't know what it is. What an absolutely awful, horrible way to live. I thank God I am not a sociopath and that I am capable of feeling love, both receiving and giving love, and that I truly enjoy seeing others happy. A sociopath doesn't know what that feels like even on their best day.
From Janie ... here is my 2cents
IMO, when a socio and a non-socio split up, the non-socio can start over again, after a healing period, and enjoy a new life with their normal thoughts and actions and new normal friends (hopefully normal friends if lesson learned) while the socio is in search of another victim.
The socio continues on being an ass and continues with their miserable existence while a non-socio's life is improved as they heal. Once we've been with a socio we have more of an appreciation of a person (and people in general) who can form normal bonds and relationships and who have the ability to love -- as we are not walking around with a 'damaged brain' like the socio is. Socio's bring their dysfunction right into the next relationship, while the non-socio, who may have some healing to do, is wiser and more aware. You also have new information you didn't have before you met the socio and now your eyes are open and you can easily spot them instead of being blindsided by their actions. You're sort of 'ahead of the game' while they are looking for a new game. I think all of this in itself is punishment for them.
To Anonymous on November 17:
Yes, I think it is worth confronting the sociopath. I did it and it made me feel better. It affected him for about a minute so you will get no satisfaction there, but you will get whatever it is off YOUR chest. I say do it. One caution though...they may try to suck you in again. That's what happened to me. He tried to suck me in again and it really didn't work, but he abandoned me again! Things will never change. You just somehow have to get over your hurt and go on. That is what I am doing, but it is extremely hard. I will never be the same person.
Either way, it is hard. If you do not confront the socio, you really don't get it out and off your chest. Telling a therapist and a close, trusted, compassionate friend is very helpful, and it's a good idea, but it just isn't the same. However if you do confront the socio, then they can zero in on a weakness that they previously weren't quite aware of, and they can also easily pinpoint another vulnerable area and a 'trigger' that they weren't previously aware of. That IS their specialty.
I do regret telling my socio ex-husband b/c he found out something about me that I later regretted, and still do. That's all that really came of it. He benefited and I lost. He knew I loved our daughter deeply, and he couldn't relate to that intense love and the mother-child bond I had with our daughter BUT he hadn't realized until I 'let it all out' that doing things, such as subtle emotional abuse towards her, would actually bring me to my knees. He didn't know that I was more than angry and that I was beyond anger. It destroyed me to see him emotional twist her mind. So, he later tormented me with that. Once he knew how he could really bring me down to my lowest, that's what he used as a weapon against me, and then as a result, my daughter suffered as well. I suffered seeing her suffer. If it weren't for that, then there would have been something else he honed in on. That's one of the reasons why I am against confronting a socio.
They (the socio) will surely learn something from the confrontation about you that they didn't previously know about you, and then they will later use it against you. They'll discover a new trigger or a new weakness that they hadn't realized. That IS what socio's specialize in. They will NOT feel badly or feel remorse or guilt. It won't happen. Those feelings will not surface -- don't be fooled. If it seems as though they feel bad, it's not genuine. It is an act. If those feelings do surface, and they are genuine, then the person is not really a socio.
But, then, every situation is different. If I didn't have a child with a socio, I probably could have safely confronted him, as we would not have had any ties or connection that bound us together, plus I was in the process of moving quite a distance away. A close friend of mine who didn't have any children with her socio ex, confronted him after the divorce, and he discovered things about her he wasn't aware of and then later on, he did things so that she couldn't show her face at her 10-year high-school reunion, that she had really looked so forward to attending. He ruined it for her and by the time she found out, the damage control was beyond repair. So, every situation is unique and different and really depends on individual circumstances. In my situation, it backfired and my daughter and I paid the (high) price. It's a tough decision to make. Once you do it, you have to live with repercussions, should there be any.
This may sound a bit silly but it often works. Write a letter to the sociopath who has caused you to suffer, letting them know how you feel, how they hurt you and how upset you are that they didn't try to set things right. Than, you can either put the letter away to look at it again in a few months OR you can rip it up, or even burn it.
Getting your feelings down will get them out of your system and burning or ripping it up will symbolically be getting them and the pain they caused out of your life. I hope this helps.
(Tigress) I agree confronting a socio can only make things worse. Though natural instincts as empaths say we should. We want to get things out because in a normal person they would feel bad for what they had and and feel bad for hurting us and maybe discussion would lead to some closure.
This can't happen with a socio. They can't feel bad for you or regret anything they did to you. If they seem like it and are a true socio they are faking to draw you back in and that will end badly again and worse than the first time. If they don't do that you may piss them off and then as mentioned they will use any info given to make your life worse.
I may try the writing a letter and hiding or destroying it. That sounds like a good idea.
Also the tattle on your ex website sounds nice but how many of us have proof enough to stand up in a lawsuit? Many couldn't even keep their kids out of the socio's hands after a break with a socio.
PS being friends with my ex's current has been interesting, lol, Just keep getting more info that plainly paints him as a looser.
The 'woman savers' website is a really good idea when checking out a potential date. The men out there might want to come up with a website to expose women who are sociopaths and/or married and cheating. This site is for single women who are dating. The site enables single women to warn other women by posting and therefore exposing men who are narcissists, sociopaths, and/or married men who are cheating.
You just go to the website and click on 'search a guy' and then type in the full name of the person in question, and also their State of residence, and if they are listed on there, it will give you the inside scoop. Since this website is for women checking out men (sorry guys) it obviously can't and doesn't list every sociopath, (wouldn't that be great if it did) so we really have to rely on our own instincts.
If we want to 'rate a guy' as long as we state 'in my opinion' (or IMO), and we are truthful, it saves us from a lawsuit. Several attorneys I asked said they would not take a case such as this ... 'if someone were slandered on a website', as it's opinion and therefore not fact, and it would probably be thrown out of court. If the information was totally untrue or if the poster did not even date the guy but just had it in for him, then maybe a lawyer might take the case ... otherwise it would most likely be thrown out of court.
I listed a sociopath guy who damn near destroyed me. He wouldn't have a legal leg to stand on if he found out about this website because another person also posted comments about him, and he was arrested once for assault and battery. You can (and should) post anonymously. The person can add their own comments if they should find themselves listed on this website. A friend of mine posted that her husband was lying and cheating. When he found out about it he couldn't do anything because she had proof that he had lied and cheated while they were still married and living together. So, he couldn't get out of it or sue anyone. They can disagree and explain their side, if they want to. The truth is, most people would not post something about others that is completely untrue ... except of course, for a sociopath.
I've also heard of DDHG, Don't Date Him Girl, but I think that website is under new construction or temporarily down or something.
The more these sociopaths (and narcissists as well) are exposed, the safer we will be. I certainly don't recommend ever telling anyone about any comments you post about someone on this site, especially the individual you are posting about -- and to post anonymously.
Most sociopaths cheat, even if they aren't married, they cheat on their girlfriends, they cheat on anyone and everyone they know. They have no conscience, so anything goes. Most sociopaths will have sex with anyone they can have sex with. My ex-husband was a classic sociopath and he had sex with the woman he cheated on me with, and then right after our divorce he cheated on her with other woman and then later on, he got some other woman pregnant while he was out of the country traveling alone on a business trip. He even cheated on his mistress. No conscience means anything goes.
A sociopath is a sociopath whether they are male or female. Female sociopaths are just as bad and dangerous. There should be a web site that lists woman who are sociopaths and who are cheaters as well. Maybe some men will get together and start one. Some time ago, I heard about a website called 'Ditch The Bitch' and that the website was in the works, but I'm not sure if it's actually completed or up and running.
The downside is that the very people who are most likely do the most damage to innocent people, are sociopaths. So, if a sociopath posts untrue comments or fabricates some wild lying story about an innocent, decent person, it could ruin them.
As we know, this would not be out of character for a sociopath. Although there's a comment section for rebuttals and disagreements who wants to deal with damage control.
I wouldn't mention to a sociopath if you saw their name and comments posted about them on any of these websites. Nothing good would come of it. It could also put the Poster in danger when all he/she was trying to do was help and protect others, mostly other women, (and men) and if they have children, protect their children as well.
People who enable sociopaths or support sociopaths, or help them in any way, or who fear them when it's at the expense of others, (such as telling them what others are saying or giving them a heads up), are just as bad as the sociopath. I'd wonder if they have a conscience ... and maybe they are a sociopath if they themselves do this. There's not one reason to tell, and every reason not to tell.
Nothing good could possibly come out of informing a sociopath/psychopath (or narcissist) that they are listed on any of these types of sites ... nothing.
How do you make a 45 year old man (and this man is a father of 4 and grandfather of 2) that you are not suppose to support him. He never would support his own children, unless he happened to be working and they took it from his check. Lies flow from his mouth like a never ending flowing brook. He lives off anyone that will let him and to get rid of him, they have to evict him, and that is not easy to do. He will not work unless he is made, but pretends to be doing everything he can to find a job. This has been going on for about 20 years. He has been on meth for about that long, but the lying started way before the meth.He has never paid his bills, but expected his dad to do it. He got his dad to co sign for a car and of course his dad had to make the payments, while he pond the title and of course lost the car. We have given him 3 tvs and his mom gave him one and he pond them all. He likes to mess with young girls.
My son moved out on his own at 18, as soon as my stepson found out he immediately moved in with him. Never paid a dime on rent (did not work) but went around telling his dad and other people that he would pay grocieries and my son would eat it all up. He lies so easily. That is just a touch of what this man has done. He has done way too much to even write it down. He makes me physically ill to hear his voice. His mom and dad finally have had enough of him too. But he keeps coming back for handouts, money, a place to say. You can't hurt his feelings and HE WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER. I have never met anyone like him.
Sounds to me like a sociopath on drugs. Just the drugs OR just the socio-pathology alone would be a problem, but combine the two and you have a drug addicted parasite who lacks a conscience and empathy. I think he's setting a very bad example for the younger people in the household. Kids don't really get what drugs do to a person b/c they've never experienced it. They can't relate so they start thinking this is how some people are and they may even think this is normal and ok. They also don't understand sociopaths and their behaviors. You certainly don't want them to grow up thinking this is normal behavior or taking on his behaviors All adults act as role models for children, even the dysfunctional adults. That's who kids will look up to.
Maybe you can get him checked into rehab for the Meth problem(which is a serious problem in itself) or some type of similar facility, although if he is a sociopath, I agree with a previous poster who said rehab usually does not work well for sociopaths, since they lack a conscience and empathy as well.
But, he needs to be far away from these young impressionable minds. Also, as time goes on he'll get worse and the problems will surely escalate. I wouldn't allow someone like him around any child, including teens and young adults.
I'm so thankful to have found this site. My son, now 26 has made my life and the rest of the family a living hell for years! I spent so much time feeling guilty, what did I do wrong to have raised a child like this? He recently has gotten into trouble with the law ( he's always been in trouble with minor issues), but this time it's grand theft auto and is on the run. Yet, I see him posting things on facebook like it's another day in the neighborhood! I'm sick over the pain and suffering he's caused us and now, thanks to some advice to look up the definition to sociopath behavior, I have some answers. Mostly the advice is to get this person out of your life and trust me, if he were not my son I would have done that a long time ago. Right now I find myself hoping the law catches up to him and he goes to prison where he cant hurt us anymore.
I too, am the mother of a sociopath. It is a heartbreaking experience. As an FYI, Donna Andersen on 'LoveFraud' devoted a section of her blog or website to mothers (and fathers) of sociopaths. She also explains that it's not always the parents fault and that there can be a genetic component, although, if so, something environmental usually triggers the disorder. There is still some controversy here on this topic as some experts do not agree, but it is not always the parents fault.
Just a thought here ... In order for the law to catch up with your son, there would have to be a victim ... or more. In other words, someone will have to suffer the consequences of his bad behavior and his bad decisions for him to get locked up.
I find it quite amazing that so many innocent people have to suffer (to varying degrees) in a variety of ways before S-Paths get put away where they belong and sometimes they are free to roam the streets even after they victimize and destroy others.
What still amazes me is how Sociopaths make up their own reality. The lies they tell they truly believe. They leave out all the things that make them look bad. Not to get on a religious kick, but the one thing I found that stood out with the two sociopaths I dealt with was neither had a relationship or acknowledgement of God.Most normal people have a sense of a higher power in some form even if they are not religious. Both sociopaths had no compassion or forgiveness for anyone. They would write people, including family, out of their life like it meant nothing. One of the sociopaths was an extreme drug abuser but the other a successful business man. So sociopaths come in all forms. What I have found to be true is they do not like strong independent people who have direction and purpose. That is the best defense. Keeping up your self esteem and self worth makes them run. They have no opening to you that way. Plus you feel great knowing they cannot hurt you. Also knowing control is just an illusion. The one in control of my life is God.
I find this all very interesting. I am a sociopath. Reading these posts make me feel like I am observing a room full of people through a two-way mirror. All of them talking about me. I never knew such a curiosity regarding the motives and logic of sociopaths existed. Perusing through the forum's earliest comments, I came across a few people that completely mocked the disorder. Realizing that they were feeding from the attention they received from concerned wives and mothers absolutely amused me.
We are indeed, bad people by societal standards...and almost inherently so. I would like to know if anyone out there knows of any books or articles written from the perspective of a sociopath. I'd like to get my hands on one...just for kicks.
(Tigress) Earlier it was said sociopaths will often have sex with any thing that moves. That's true of my ex too. I didn't mention a lot of things so as not to give to many identifying details should someone stumble across this site but he has had sex with animals and admitted to liking underage girls but claimed to be smart enough to avoid them so as not to go to jail. Turns out his new girl is underage and apparently got in trouble for it so she's not supposed to talk to him any more.
So close to him going away for a long time but they might not go after him across state lines and if they do he might wiggle his way out of it since she was pretending to be older. Would be a blessing to hear he can't harm anyone any more if something does happen. Just a matter of time I think. He's not as bright as he thinks he is.
Adding to Anonymous Nov 30th @ 7:34am post
Google ... Revelations of Hell by 7 Youths
This search pulls up over a dozen websites, a few describe Hell in detail, about 20 pages. Several of these sites also mention they saw John Lennon in Hell. John made fun of our Lord and mocked Jesus in some of his song lyrics. I've read through many of these websites and I tend to believe what they say. They reference the Bible where appropriate.
On a related note, my (horrible) ex is a classic sociopath. I believe that what I read and the illustrations I saw on some of these "Hell" websites describe where people like my ex are going to end up for eternity. My ex is re-married to a woman who regrets marrying him and having his children. She is a know-it-all who wouldn't listen to me when I tried to warn her. Anyway, now my ex has started going to church most Sundays. After church services he commits adultery. Then he goes to work and plays mind games with peoples heads. He is also a pathological liar. He will probably be one of the people in the cauldrons they mentioned on one of these websites, who has a brass plate embedded and burned into their chest that reads, "I am a liar and an adulterer".
He hates women and only uses them for sex. He tormented me and our daughter. He is a sick man. I cannot believe that God would allow him to enter the gates of Heaven. He thinks by going to church, he is repenting because he doesn't really know what repent means. I also know of another man who says he believes in God and I know he does attend church regularly. But after church, he cheats on his wife in their bed in their bedroom. The next day he goes off to work and rips people off and then goes on to aggravate everyone around him. He is also a sex-crazed sociopath, arrogant and self-righteous, and also a misogynist, who assumes that church attendance will relieve him of his ugly sins, just like my ex. Sociopaths think nothing of breaking laws and rules. These entitlement people seem to think they are above the law and that laws and rules apply to everyone except for them ... including the 'Ten Commandments'.
cont'd ...I know I wouldn't allow anyone into my home who mocked me and where sinning regularly was a way of life. I wouldn't allow a child molester or a rapist into my home. I wouldn't allow a hateful, jealous, spiteful person into my home. I wouldn't allow someone who stole form others into my home and neither would most people. So, why would God allow them to enter his Kingdom? God does forgive, but only if we repent BEFORE the moment of death, not after. By then it is way too late.
Maybe Hell was created for sociopaths.
November 30 Anonymous
"We are indeed, bad people by societal standards...and almost inherently so"
Yes, that's true ... but you are not considered 'bad' by Hell's standards. The 'Pit' is the one place, deep in the core center of the Earth, where you won't be considered 'bad'. You'll be a nobody, but at least you'll no longer be judged and considered or looked upon as a 'bad person' by anyone there.
TIGRESS ... I am the anonymous poster who posted the comment about sociopaths having sex with anything that moves.
You recently mentioned that he claimed to not have sex with underage kids, but I guarantee he has and will continue to do so. He just made that comment to you because he wanted (and needed) to experience your reaction, the reaction of a normal person, someone with empathy.
He just needed to quantify, on a scale of 1-5, just how awful committing this immoral and illegal act is. My guess is that if he made that statement, he is in search of his next victim. The more disgusting the act is, the more they get off.
I love to see people coment on this blog and give diagnosis like they have been living with these people. For all you people out their saying that "you dont know", these people wouldnt be here if they didnt feel some kind of certinty. Until you have lived with a person like that, you have no right to think that we are jumping to conclusions! But anyway, i belive my mother is one, most definitly. I belive their has to be a way to not just banish them out of your life, but honestly, thats the healthiest choice.
"I never knew such a curiosity regarding the motives and logic of sociopaths existed"
You who are so full of yourself ... you are not that important.
It's my understanding the main purpose of this Blog is so that decent, kind people (unlike yourself) who have been tormented and victimized by a sociopath (like yourself) can share their stories and support each other and so they can warn others about dysfunctional, destructive terrorists, like yourself.
Curiosity vs warnings/avoidance are very different things.
Over the years, I've met many sociopaths, both in the workplace and in my personal life. Their IQ's range from low to high. Some are intellectually below average while some are intellectually brilliant and gifted. But the common denominator is low emotional intelligence. In my experiences with sociopaths, they are socially ignorant and stupid. In order to 'appear', at least somewhat normal, they must mimic (normal) human behavior. They tend to have more enemies than friends. How smart is that? Any adult who can't understand the simple concept -- 'what goes around comes around', is socially-emotionally retarded.
I am a psychotherapist and have dealt with an ex-husband who I can professionally say is a sociopath. It is interesting to note that people in high conflict divorce have many of the same personality traits discussed in the article. I too have had to completely disengage myself from this person who would not leave me alone. This person even went to the extreme of using his girlfriend to claim that I assaulted her and tried to have me prosecuted. I am happy to say that due to no evidence the charges were stayed. Nonetheless, the best way to deal with someone like this is to change your number, stay as far away from them as possible, change your email address, and for me I actually had to move across the country. This person followed me, however I moved again and have finally ditched him. This has taken 8 years of my life post divorce to finally be rid of this monster. Thank God I am finally free!
(Tigress) Wanting to gauge my reaction would explain why he told me so many things that a normal person would want to hide, not that a normal person would do most of them in the first place. Heck I want to hide the fact I was ever involved with someone that would do those things.
I now know the girl he left me for was underage and in hindsight it's likely it has happened before. I don't know if he'll get in trouble this time or if they just grounded her but "what goes around comes around" will surely bite him soon enough. He turned in one of his friends, shortly before our breakup, for being with an underage girl. Just for laughs as far as I know. So yeah they do also somehow find like minded people to hang with but they sure don't know what being a friend really means.
This Question is for Eric. I am new to this whole Sociopathic issue. I always knew the traits of my son, but didnt know that they were Sociopathic. In which he fits every aspect to a T!
My son got a girl pregnant and they had my first grand daughter, however, since they have broken up, he told me that If I talk to my grand daughters mother, he will not talk to me, this was almost a year ago.
I have not talked to him since. What pleasure is he getting from trying to keep my grand daughter away from me? My Grand daughters mother is the only way I see my grand daughter.
My son apparently has no remorse or guilt that he is keeping my grand daughter away from me.
As far as I am concerned, and dont get me wrong, I love him because he is my son, but I will not allow him to dictate who I can talk to, and who I can not talk to, especially if it is my grand daughters mother.
Please help me understand what he thinks he is gaining by doing this.
I am to the point that I consider him dead.
I have lost any love that I had for him.
Please let me know your thoughts.....thank you.
(Jenny) My post has been sparked by a lady who posted back in September who wondered if it was her autism to blame for her being attracted to psychopaths / sociopaths. I think the answer is yes....
I've attracted several within the last few years for very short term relationships / friendships and recently after feeling very down I had a couple of sessions with a psychologist to see why I was attracting so many. I by chance mentioned that in my group of friends 2 of them were also autistic. He pointed out that most people I described in my group of friends seemed to have low emotional intelligence. He asked me to describe my childhood and he made me realise that my mum is most probably alexithymic, this is the inability to put feelings / expressions into words, I've never known my dad or much other family to experience anyone ever with real emotion. I have always felt really connected with the sociopaths / autistic friends compared to others, I've also realised since finding out about alexithymia that I have high traits for this after doing online tests. Although I only had 2 sessions with the psychologist because I felt he wasn't right for me (another story!) it did make me understand why I kept being attracted to people with no / little emotion - because that's all I've ever known myself and people with emotion if I'm honest actually scare me as I don't know what to say in certain situations - therefore I connect a lot better with non-emotional people. I admit i've never been a very emotional person (although I do have feelings and am not a sociopath!) and have realised why I connect well with these type of people even though I end up hating them. I also have no trouble getting rid of them, like the autistic lady said - because I don't have much emotion myself I find it easy to lose them and am not vulnerable enough for them. I also get bored easily and the interest / excite me if i'm honest.
I basically asked the psychologist ways to weed out these people as I couldn't understand why I kept attracting them and this is how he made me realise the above. Also the diagnosis of alexithymia which maybe some of you may have and don't realise. This would also fit in with quite a few of you who have been brought up by narcissistic parents as we don't know any different as to how to show emotion so we don't spot these people the same way as others do.
Although the psychologist I had was of no real help - he told me I was the problem and not the men, for this reason I'm having to wait 6 months for another psychologist (I'm in the UK and it's free here but with a long waiting list!)I do see where he's coming from with the emotional issues. I'd be interested to hear anyone elses views with attempts of therapy for being a sociopath's victim, just wondering if I'm just unbelievably unlucky that I get a very unsympathetic psychologist or is this 'normal'?
If he truly is a Sociopath (or a NPD/Narcissist), he might become angry and/or jealous that you and your grand daughter and the mother of your grandchild, enjoy each others company. Sociopaths don't like to see others happy. The happiness of others makes them miserable. They enjoy the drama and chaos that takes place when they successfully tear relationships apart ... and for no reason other than entertainment.
I truly hope for you to be aware -- I am not trying to scare you. Just be aware. If he knows being with your grandchild makes you very happy and brings you joy, he might interfere. The trick is to ACT emotionless, to be low-key and divulge as little as possible, when it comes to Narcissists and Sociopaths.
My sister-in-law is a sociopath. For the past 7 years she has shown every sign of being a sociopath, but I did not recognize it at first.
There were the small signs at the very beginning, which increased over time. Most of these I tossed out of my mind (as did other people) because we wanted to like her out of respect for my brother. We thought we could make it work.
We were very wrong. Sociopaths, when they fixate on destroying somebody - without any valid reason, it doesn't matter how many olive branches you stick out at them, they will burn that tree to the ground.
The first signs were the over-the-top lies she spouted. Everyone rolled their eyes at her, but let it pass. For instance, she said she was raised in Baja California, which she claimed was an actual city in California (wrong). She never lived there.
New signs popped up over time - all of which we ignored, again, out of respect for my brother. At any party, she would be the downer. She would be the one to talk about all the bad things that happened to her in her life and how much she hated this person and that person. Then when she saw that person next, she was very superficial with them, acting as if they were her best friend. Turned out, she did the same to us with other people. Hell, she does that with my brother, her current husband.
Her antisocial personality would come out when she wouldn't go anywhere, only to expect all of us to feel guilty about it later, and then she would go into a tirade, including threatening people's lives with a pistol. This happened on a New Year's Eve when she holed herself up in a bedroom without any reason, only to threaten with the pistol later. The following New Year's, once again, she became isolated from the group and then began hurling insults at people afterwards.
Yet, my brother married her anyways.
Since then, she has posted things on her facebook page ripping my wife and I apart, along with everyone else under the sun, without naming names of course, and then act perfectly fine in front of us.
Everything is a game to her. It's constantly a competition with her, everything from buying a house to having a child.
(continued)
Here was the breaking point and what caused me to do research into what kind of monster we were dealing with. My wife (girlfriend at the time) was trying to build a relationship with her since she was my brother's wife. My wife tried being her friend (this was early on). So they shared alot of things like what their goals were in life, what they wanted to do in the future, etc. One conversation was what to name their children. The sociopath said she wanted to name her boy Dominic and Mary Rose. My wife said she wanted to name her girl Sophia.
A few years later, and much drama since, the sociopath became pregnant. And since we've kept our distance in the past two years because of the hurt and damage she has caused (too much to list here) she pulled the most disgusting stunt I've ever witnessed in real life. She named her daughter Sophia. Her daughter is named out of spite for us.
Again, this is only the breaking point. There are many other things she has done in the past including lying, making contradictory statements all the time, only will help if there is something to gain from it even if it's an "upperhand" to manipulate, always feel people owe her after this help "after all I did" is her main response although she didn't do much to begin with, manipulation BIG TIME, two-faced all the time, her mother actually cheers this on, is constantly the victim in everything and acts like she is innocent, enjoys when people talk about her and acknowledge the things she does to them (she actually posted this on facebook), and much...too much more to post here.
Anyways, she's manipulated my family (some see through it but "deal with it" as they put it). We tried. But we're gonna stay far away from this monster. I've even stopped talking to my brother who is manipulated all the way. As long as he is around someone with those destructive tendencies, we have to cut him out as well. We make an effort not to say much to family members except "we choose not to be around her." Because she'll love it (or in her mind she "wins") if we rip her apart in front of other people because it makes us look like the bad people. It's unfortunate but one of these days, I know my brother will wake up and wonder what the hell happened. But it may be too late for him.
Adam, in regards to viewing your article I am for sure, this is what I have been dealing with for the past 8 or 9 years. I have dealt with so much I am not sure where to start, but to say I am fightting back, and am persuing every possaible way to stop him dead in his tracks. I breifly dated,this man for a short period of time in which I dected, something just was not right, but went against my better judgement and had a few breif dates. After dating this man I concluded my suspicions were correct. His behaviors exhibied such things as he enjoyed others misfortunes, drinking,unfeeling for others causing mayhem on others, setting up others for failure, underling adgenda to get back at others, raping, with a twised idea, the other loves him or will love him, lies uses and munipulates situations for his gain, plays others emotions to win their trust.works the law enforcement so he is never in the eye of law of doing any wrong.is sneaky, and gathers information to use so he gains more control,over the person he seeks. I know he is a sociopath I have dealt with this for the past 8 years, and I have had enough. I had went to extremes to stop this crazy man and theirs still no end in sight.He caused me the lose of a job, and convinces others of his lies that it's out of the glory of his heart.For this reason, I am left to my last resort, and that is to invest in a more serious safty feature, my goal is to put him in prision, or the next time he invades my home He will be shot on sight!!!
Dec 8th @ 3:57 Post ... yep sounds like a classic sociopath. EVERYTHING is a big game, where they MUST win and get over. Since they start the game long before anyone even knows that there is a game or this is about to happen or that the game is even on, that gives the sociopath the upper hand, so they clearly will have the edge over their competition. That's how they win. With sociopaths it's never a level playing field. Sociopaths don't have a sense of fairness. They wouldn't know 'fair' if it bit them in the ass.
It will be very hard and quite drama filled for your brother to free himself of a Sociopath. Since they must always win, they must feel that they were the ones to end the relationship and that they were the ones to do the dumping and to cause the pain ... and the drama that they love to sit back and watch unfold. So, exercise caution and be real careful here. Inflicting pain--this IS their main source of entertainment. This situation won't get better with time.
Sociopaths and children are a really, really bad combination. Anyone who lacks a conscience and empathy clearly shouldn't be around children OR dependent adults, people with special needs.
After eight years of getting to know my niece from another country I know now that she is a sociopathy. She made my life awful and when I speak to others in her country she does the same there. I've been trying for years to figure her out but just a few days ago I spoke with someone that knows alot about this subject and we both agree that she has this problem. I speak to others from her country and they are telling me things she does there but I'm not sharing this with them and I don't feel a need to because I'm not there and don't want to get involved anymore. I no longer bring her over here into my life because she has caused a lot of problems between me and my family and others. I still will talk with her on the internet but in my heart I will keep her in a great distance. Thank god she is far away from here or I don't know what I would do. I feel bad about not sharing this with everyone there but what can I do but get myself in trouble. Good luck to everyone with a sociopath in their life. Your article really woke me up.
(Tigress) Jenny thanks for that. It does seem to make sense. My mom either has that or maybe aspergers. I either have aspergers or developed something like it as a defense. Showing emotion around my family isn't all that safe so learned to mostly hide them. Plus having such bad influences and my dad's reactions to things being unstable I just do not feel comfortable in most social situations as I'm always worried how others will react since the littlest thing could set off my father how can I trust how strangers will react? Though now that I'm grasping these ideas I can start to work through them.
But this does set you up as a target to have someone mess you up during your formation. Like being "shy" it feels good to have someone with me that is confident but that leaves me open to those over confident sociopaths.
I'd not say it's your/our fault but in some cases your/our issues do make us attractive pray to them and sometimes us attracted to them.
I work with children - mostly teens - and their families on a daily basis. I have been trying to put my finger on what appears to be an epidemic among these young people. When I read the list of identifiers for sociopaths these kids fit to a tee. It's scary. I've even considered quitting my job because coming into contact with these children and witnessing what their families have to contend with is almost overwhelming. And if its overwhelming for me who is only in the home for an hour or two a week, imagine what the family is going through. These people are trapped and bullied to the point of constant tears, arguments, services, you name it. I want out.
(FREE) After reading previous posts I am thinking that my x is not a sociopath but think that he might have sociopathic behaviors or may be on the road to becoming a full fledged sociopath. Please weigh in.
He is in his late 20s. We have known each other for 6+ years. We were together for some time (6 months or so) and then he just left town. He bought me flowers and left a letter essentially saying goodbye. However he would continuously contact me, give me false hope and keep me "on the line". Finally, after years, I thought I had moved on.
We ended up reconnecting later on in life (he contacted me) and were together, eventually living together and planning our future. I thought he loved me. However after a couple of months of strained relationship (it felt like he disconnected from me, could never tell me how he felt, what he wanted, etc) HE ended it. He then started dating someone else, days later. A much younger girl who is very demure/inexperienced. When he ended our relationship I felt like shit. He told me he wanted me to be in his life in some way but that he did not know what that looked like. He then admitted that he is a manipulator. I looked it up and realized that he doesn't allow people to get close to him (family or friends), lies (or tells 1/2 truths) and would launch into moods to make him the victim and cause emotional pain to me. Many times changing reality into his version of what happened. He told me he manipulates me for my own good. Lies to spare people. He also said he can never be in a successful relationship and will be alone for the rest of his life but then starts a new relationship. In the beginning of our relationship I was an independent woman and through him breaking me down and manipulating me I became this co-dependent person. Now I don't even recognize the person I was. He keeps trying to contact me and keep our "friendship" alive or talk about "our future". I have told him I do not want to be friends with someone who lies to me.
What do you think?
So what do you do when you have separated from the sociopath and left them with two young children that are being mentally abused .... and when DOCS are unwilling to take any action ?
To Free...Don't downplay your exes' character by saying he just has "sociopathic behaviors." SP's are masters at manipulation. For him to say he manipulates and lies to "help" others is a classic sign of him trying to justify his actions. He really manipulates and lies to get what HE wants. Stay away, don't answer his calls, change your number. He will want you back when he needs someone else to control. So, know this...everytime you speak to him, he is trying to control you. Make sure your mantra becomes, "He doesn't want me, he wants to control me." Maybe this will keep you from coming in contact with him.
To the 12/16 post: What you do is get a divorce and sue for custody of the children if they are biologically yours. I would take custody of them immediately. You have every right to take them and not return them. He can file for divorce and go thru a custody hearing. Mental abuse is so difficult to prove and DOCS might think that since you left the children there, then he must be an okay father. If these are not your kids, call the mother, grandparents, aunts, uncles and let them know why you think these kids are being mentally abused.
I'm 29 and I think my 31 year old brother may be a sociopath. He's a pathological liar, always trying to make me feel guilty about not having a better relationship with my alcoholic father. His behavior shows he doesn't give a shit about me, and to top things off, I think his wife has borderline personality disorder. I've never seen him show any love toward anyone in my entire life, he's constantly contradicting himself, he always tries to get me to think I owe him, and he's just plain unpleasant to be around (argumentative, a bully, and frankly full of shit). He's had several problems with authority: arrested 2X, disciplined repeatedly in high school, fired at least one time in the past 5 years, and now he's been disciplined at his job (unbelievably he's a teacher) in the first week of his second year teaching. My entire family has been hurt and/or mistreated by him and his wife since they got married, and yet he takes absolutely no responsibility for any of it. He constantly thinks he's been done wrong when something totally innocuous happens to him, but can't see when he hurts others. He has stolen a lot of my things that I was storing in the basement at my father's house, and yet when I confronted him about it, he refused to believe what he did was wrong, or that he wasn't entitled to any of the things. On top of all that, he has a giant sense of entitlement, and is incredibly judgmental but doesn't believe one needs any evidence to back up their opinions (he doesn't agree with objective truths).
After reading several articles on the topic, I'm pretty convinced he's a sociopath.
So, we kinda had it out last weekend. I confronted him for what I told myself would be the last time, for constantly insulting and hurting members of the family. The way I feel now, I would prefer to never see him again so as to not have to put up with him (or his wife) and avoid getting hurt in the future.
I guess I have a few questions:
1) Is it common for sociopaths to conceal their behavior from certain people, while letting it bare in others presence?
2) Is it good to stand up to their abuse if forced to be in their presence?
3) What should I do to sever ties from him while maintaining ties with my mother? I don't want to just come out and tell my folks I think he's a sociopath.
4) Kind of related to #3: What do I do to maintain contact with my mother without contacting him?
Thanks for any and all comments, thoughts, ideas, etc...
-MZA
(FREE) THank you Bee for weighing in. I know what you're saying is true. I have tried to push him out of my life and recently told him "best wishes" on his future. I could not be his friend since he does not have the ability to meet my friendship standards.
Does this behavior sound sociopathic?
Part of me wants to let his family know. THey continue to contact me and as a problem solver (fixer) personality I want to not only ask them to disconnect from me (even though I really liked them) but also let them know about the situation so that he can get help. Curious what you think about that.
I know I need to disconnect entirely as our past shows that he's more than likely to contact me again. I just hope that as the days/weeks/years go by that I am able to see him for who he truly is.
Dec 19th post - "Part of me wants to let his family know".
I would surely tell them IF, and only if, I knew something good would come of it. If I thought nothing good would come of it, or they wouldn't understand, then I wouldn't tell them.
I know people who would freak out and wouldn't understand so it would destroy them, and nothing good would come of it. In my case, I wish people told me that my daughter is a sociopath. I found out the hard way. A lot of good would have come of it had I known sooner, but no one told me. I think they knew I was in denial. So, it depends on the relationship, age, maturity, intelligence, circumstances, and so on. If something good could come of it -- tell them ... if not, then don't ... my2cents
Eric, What would you do if someone else tired to win the 'game'? Also, is someone you are trying to manipulate removing themselves from the situation the worst thing to you?
ADAM - Are the following statements true? Can you please clarify this? Reading through some of the posts here, I'm getting confused. Please let me/us know which of the following IS true and what is NOT true. Thanks ... justcurious
"A sociopath is defined as a person who lacks regard for others, NOT a person without empathy".
"A sociopath is defined as a person who lacks regard for others, not a person without emotions".
"If they had no emotions, they wouldn't have the will to go around screwing with people. Sociopathy is a matter of degrees. Some people have no empathy at all, and some are simply a little more ruthless than others".
"Sociopathy is NOT a brain disorder -- in that case, it would be much easier to identify. It is actually an emotional disorder".
"ALL sociopaths lack a conscience".
emotions. If they had no emotions, they wouldn't have the will to go around screwing with people, now would they? Sociopathy is a matter of degrees. Some people have no empathy at all, and some are simply a little more ruthless than others. And it's not a brain disorder--in that case, it would be much easier to identify. It's an emotional disorder.
Free, It is very difficult not to tell his family that you suspect he is a sociopath. I can understand that you feel responsible to let them know so they can be careful when around them. However (and this is my experience) parents have a difficult time believing their child is not normal. Especially when SPs are so good at fooling people. Even if they do believe you, they cannot fully appreciate the damage a SP can do until the SP wreaks havoc in their life, damaging to the extent that the victim suffers the SPs actions for the rest of their life. Everyone thought the SP in my life was the greatest thing since the paper clip. A daughter who told her mom that her (mom) son-in-law was a con artist was told by her mom that she was just jealous. The mom told her own daughter she should be ashamed of herself for talking bad about her sister's husband. Well, flash forward one year, mom's house is in forclosure since son-in-law got title to her house and took out $150,000 loan against it and promptly stopped making payments on loan. Mom has apologized to her daughter but that doesn't help her to keep her house. His own immediate family has been told by me. His family is cordial to me but I'm the selfish bitch that caused problems for him. He blames me for all that is going on in his life and I have become his excuse for all that is going bad in his life. I'm waiting for the day when he ruins their life. But they can't say they've been warned. And there was plenty of evidence from others he has stole from. (Total taken from people is approx. $2 Million)
I would suggest keeping up a cordial friendship with his family if they really mean that much to you. If you can live without them, then don't put out any effort on that relationship.
If you do feel the need to tell them, I would start out by saying "Ya know, I'm not so sure he reacts to things like a normal person. He seems to not have any empathy for others. What do you think that is about? Have you noticed any odd behaviors from him?" If they don't want to talk about it, they will quickly let you know.
To the curious poster who left no name (December 22, 2010 7:29 AM), sociopaths have emotions, but often experience them differently than normal people. And they lack empathy.
Is it a brain disorder or an emotional disorder? I don't know how to answer that. Sociopaths' brains process emotions differently than normal people.
Do sociopaths lack a conscience? Yes. Having a conscience is closely associated with empathy.
My mother is a sociopath and I had to cut her completely out of my life. Best decision I ever made. There's a world of difference, a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders. My suggestion is: don't wait. Don't try to fix them or the situation. Get out of it. A sociopath is nothing but toxic to everyone and everything around them.
Jana ...
Does anyone here know if the majority, or at least a (close) percentage #, of Identity Theft, Electronic Theft, Credit Card and/or Bank fraud theft criminals are sociopaths?
I wonder, since this crime is seriously on the rise and most of these criminals are never prosecuted -- unbelievable but very true -- very few actually are. The local police cannot help much. These criminals destroy the lives of millions of people everyday and it's now an epidemic. I do think that a good percentage of them are probably druggies looking for $$$$ for their next fix, but I was wondering if most are probably sociopaths.
It seems logical to me that most of the people who would commit this type of crime would be a sociopath ... but not sure ... any thoughts ... anyone? Thanks - Jana
(FREE) Thank you Bee for your insight. It's been really hard to understand this all. I feel like our relationship (in which I thought was going to be a lifelong one) was a lie. As soon as he told me he was a manipulator and I looked into it (I would NEVER believe anyone could do that to another longterm let alone in a relationship) I felt like a weight came off of my shoulders. Looking back he is not right. It is hard to move forward especially since he has been contacting me (even though I have asked him not to) claiming he misses me, wishes me well, etc.
I have been seeing a therapist but are there any support groups/forums for "survivors" of this? I feel like I am ready to move on but my confidence has been severely compromised and since he keeps contacting me it is always on my mind.
(FREE) Adam-is it possible to have sociopathic tendancies/behaviors or is it more you are or you aren't.
See my original post for more info. (Thanks)
Free, there are probably some people who have some sociopathic tendencies but are not fully sociopathic. There is a bit of debate on that issue among the researchers.
(ALW) Okay. I’ve read through several of the comments and I find myself somewhat confused. The original article fits my sister to a “T”. She fits every criterion.
My family is rarely all together, but since today is Christmas, we will be and my father has deemed it the perfect time to “hash” out our problems. I pretty much have no choice but to confront her tonight. She has made my life and my mother’s life miserable for as long as I can remember. Everyone else loves her. She can do anything and say anything, and everyone in my family looks the other way. They either blame it on her “bad” childhood, or don’t even see a problem with what she has done. She has full custody of her three young children and they all have problems in some capacity or another. At this point in my life, it is impossible for me to cut her out of my life. Doing so would mean cutting the rest of my family out too, and if I do that, I’ll end up on the streets. Even still, when I am capable of leaving, my two nieces and my nephew will still be with her. It is one thing to leave an adult with a sociopath, but these children have no choice. She has had CPS called on her on multiple occasions. She always weasels her way out of being caught. She verbally and emotionally abuses my two nieces, especially the older one. She seems to care for her son. I read an earlier comment in which the person stated that the socio in their life adored their child. My nephew is 7 and he thinks he is untouchable. The most current example of this occurred this past weekend. My nephew decided to wake up the whole house by screaming at the top of his lungs and crying to the point of making himself sick just because his sister would not wake up to call their mom at 7 in the morning. He acts just like his mother. She allows him to get away with everything and tells him she wanted him, while telling the girls they were mistakes. She makes no qualms that he is her favorite.
My whole family and especially my dad almost seem to be in on her BS. She is currently trying to ruin my boyfriend’s life, and no one sees anything wrong with it. My dad is even justifying it and blaming it on my sister’s recently deceased grandmother and my 7 year old nephew. My sister is insinuating that my boyfriend is molesting my older niece. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this is a complete and utter falsehood. I have absolutely no doubt it is completely false. My father and aunt also said that they do not believe my boyfriend is doing such a horrible thing, but they also do not believe my sister is saying these things. I feel as if I have to confront her about this. She will continue to spread this horrible lie even if we did leave. My main problem lies with getting my family to admit to what she is. My father believes her so fully that he now believes my nephew was the mastermind behind everything that is being said and that the lie originated with my sister’s grandmother, who hasn’t even been dead a month. A few weeks ago he confirmed that my sister was saying these things. Now he is saying that her grandmother was the one who said them
(ALW) Cont'd...One thing I would like to have clarified is this: sociopaths do not feel emotions, but they are able to mimic them to fit their needs, correct? For instance, my sister reacts to every situation in one of two ways. She either instantly gets boiling mad to the point of physical altercation and screaming obscenities, or she just completely breaks down and goes on about how everyone hates her, everyone picks me and my mother over her, no one knows what her life is like, she feels suicidal, etc. In fact, I’ve just realized that if my mother or I are the ones confronting her, she gets angry. If it’s my father, she gets pitiful.
There is so much more I could say, but if possible, could someone please get back to me as soon as possible about how I could possibly deal with tonight’s inevitable fight? I do not wish to just sit there and not say anything, especially since she is saying these horrible things about my boyfriend, who will also be in attendance. Should I try to get my family to see the light? Should I not hold anything back? I am fairly certain she will storm off soon after she is confronted. Should I mention my concerns to the rest of my family after my sister has left? Or should the word “sociopath” never pass from my lips? I am so confused and angry and I just am not able to leave. There has to be another way to make things bearable and to help my nieces and nephews.
Free, I don't know of any support groups for this type of situation but maybe your therapist can suggest some group that may help you move on. And kudos to you for seeing a therapist. I admire you for seeking out someone to help sort your thoughts. A SP can do a real number on their victims. The victim gets so wrapped up in the SP's world that they no longer know what "normal" is. I find these victims to have no self esteem, confused and scared to make a decision about ANY situation that comes up in their life. It amazed me that the victim would even question whether the SP's actions were against the law. The SP can turn embezzling into a perfectly legal action. Mind blowing that someone can gain that much manipulation and control over a person.
I do think your SP needs you to bolster his importance. SP's get off on control and it makes him "the big man" if he is able to treat you like dirt, and then ping pong you back to him. He doesn't care for you, he cares what you can do for him.
Please know this: I'm sure you are a very caring, bright, capable girl. You just have to remember that and find that girl that you once were. I don't care if it sounds silly...stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself everyday that you are worthy of respect, that you deserve someone who loves you and thinks that you are the greatest thing to ever enter their life. That you will someday "get" as much as you "give."
You have options of how to deal with this guy. Change your phone number, tell him you do not ever want to see or talk to him again, act indifferent when he calls and make excuses why you can't talk, don't answer any calls, tell him you are dating someone else, tell him you're getting married, I'ld even contemplate telling him you have HIV or herpes (Okay, I wouldn't want to damage your reputation, just had to throw a little humor in there.) SP's can be very good at stalking and harrassing. You just need to somehow make yourself not worth his effort. Treat yourself and get involved in something you've always wanted to do but put off for various reasons. Attend a class at college involving something your interested in. Search the internet for some hobby to become involved. Join a local theater group. The more you interact with people, the greater strength you will have to move on and leave this guy in the past. You need to surround yourself with normal people.
ALW, I am so sorry no one was able to get back to you before your Christmas gathering. It is so hard to deal with someone who could be a SP who is in the immediate family. And your living situation makes it very difficult to walk out of your sister's life. The one problem that alarms me the most is her accusing your boyfriend of molesting your neice. I strongly urge you to keep your boyfriend away from your family especially your sister and neice. It's not fair to your boyfriend to be accused of this terrible act. He may not have done this, but an accusation like this can ruin his life. Even if it is never brought before the court system. Your sister has been involved with CPS before and it is not a stretch for her to tell CPS a lie in order to detract the attention from her onto him. I believe you but please realize that to others, you may look like so many other girlfriends, wives and moms who do anything to protect their significant others, while letting the pedophile continue to molest.
I do not think it will make any difference if you confront her. She will get very defensive and will never forget that you have turned against her. I take it that you all live together and it doesn't sound like either one of you have any means to move out. Try to start working towards living on your own, go on about your business and don't engage your sister in any conversation or situation.
SP's will change their personality to get what they need out of whoever they are dealing with. She gets sympathy out of her father by crying and gets him on her side. She throws a fit and gets abusive towards others. She gets what she wants by using the bullying tactic and everyone is scared of her. SP's know what emotion to use in order to get what they want out of people around them. Your father will probably always take up for her until he becomes hurt by her. She had a bad childhood? How does your father feel that she is blaming her behavior on him? He was the parent so I'm surprised he has no problem with her insinuating he was a crappy parent. But maybe he was.
The neices and nephew are the most important here. You guys are adults and will one day get away from her. Work to keep up your neices self esteem. Compliment them often, praise them for things they do right and tell them everyday how proud you are of them. Be there for them and let them know they are important, loved and wanted. The nephew is a little more difficult. He's young and taking cues from his mom. Reinforce his good behavior. Walk away when he acts bratty. Tell him you know he knows the difference between right and wrong and you expect him to do the right thing. It's really not your place to discipline him (plus it would just cause more problems) but ignoring bad behavior by a look of disaproval can go a long way. One day, your sister will turn against her son. He is not going to be 7 for ever. The first time he treats her badly, she will be ruthless towards him. His behavior might be cute at 7 but lets see how she reacts when he's 13. He will continue bad behavior because it gets him what he wants. When his wants interfere with your sister's wants, the result is not gonna be pretty. Praise him for the good things he does, no matter how small. Even if he's playing nicely, just say "its so great to see you being so nice." Don't overdo and gush out compliments, just be calm and casually remark.
Good Luck and manage the best you can.
Someone just sent me a great resource. I'm going to put it in the sidebar of the comments page, but I thought I should also post it for those of you who subscribe:
http://www.aftermath-surviving-psychopathy.org/
Here's what it says on their "About Us" page:
In the spring of 2006, Professor of Psychology and psychopathy researcher, David Kosson, Ph.D., began to gather a group of volunteers to start an organization to provide help as well as education to those whose lives have been impacted by psychopathic individuals. He hoped the group would be a coalition of researchers, clinicians and survivors.
The group began after Robert Hare, Ph.D. posted a notice about the group on the Darkstone Research website. A number of people responded to the notice and began offering their time and energy to put the group together. It was quickly decided to try to form a website which would be a source of information about psychopathy and a place where victims/survivors of relationships with individuals with psychopathic features could come together to offer support for each other and ask questions about the nature of psychopathy and its impact on people. In the summer of 2007, Paul Babiak, Ph.D., the author of Snakes in Suits, joined the group. Dr. Hare, through the Darkstone Research Group and the Cheryl Wynne Hare Memorial Fund has generously supported our work.
From the beginning, Aftermath: Surviving Psychopathy has been dedicated to all seeking to understand this personality disorder and the toll it takes on those whose lives intersect with the affected. After many months of weekly conference calls and many email exchanges the website was launched in April of 2008. Our working group has grown larger as other researchers, therapists and survivors have joined.
Mission Statement:
Mission: Aftermath: Surviving Psychopathy is dedicated to educating the public regarding the nature of psychopathy and its cost to individuals and society.
We seek to support the families and victims of those with psychopathy.
We support research that aims to: prevent or minimize the development of psychopathic traits, reduce the impact of psychopathic traits, and understand and treat the aftermath of psychopathy. Our ultimate goal is to reduce the negative impact of psychopathy on the families and victims of psychopathic individuals.
If you have time and energy and you wish to become an Aftermath volunteer, please email Dr. Kosson at moving-on-support@rosalindfranklin.edu.
I am a sociopath. My name is Peter - or Pete - to the people I currently choose to entertain as my 'friends'.
I have not read every one of the 1,716 comments currently here.
For the purposes of education - I am going to attempt to clarify a couple of things - as I see them.
From skimming - not a lot has been mentioned of why victims are chosen. For me - there are 2 reasons :
1. Bullys
2. Greedy people
If you have been a victim and fall in to the above 2 categories - I am not surprised you were targeted.
I am proud to have - many times - destroyed the careers of people at the top of the corporate tree, whilst I happily chose to sit at the bottom. I have witnessed these fat cats treat people in a disgusting way, all the while nursing their egos. In this example, I consider myself the hero and not in any way 'evil'. Someone has to teach these people a lesson, I've never bothered finding out if they learnt it because I dont care.
And to be clear. No jealousy involved on my part here. I have done and am able to do again - been at the top of whatever tree I fancied. These people are welcome to that position. Provided they play fair.
With regard to greed - I find the western world unhealthily preoccupied with keeping up with people. In fact - most appear to want to do better than anyone else. Is this not mass sociopathy ? In these cases - again - be it a friend, lover, etc - I'll take them down. Never in a violent way. But always with the intent of crushing their self esteem and hopefully resulting in complete withdrawal from society which again - I would hope - causes them to rethink their attitude towards life.
We dont get up every day and think about 'who we are going to be horrible to next'. Something triggers it. It has been 2 years now since my last accomplishment - nobody else has needed my work.
It does not (for me) ever involve - drugs, drink, violence or any kind of unlawful activity. I do not think they are linked.
A few things here are very true however. No conscience is involved - a great deal of planning is required - there is absolutely no remorse - and also - I am quite happy with how I am.
People disappoint me and every 4/5 years I will find a reason to leave the current batch of 'best friends' - and start off with the next, the very next day. With no interest in ever keeping up with what happened with the last set of friends. This is due to boredom and people who conform cannot hold my attention for longer than a few years.
For those of you who have been robbed - I think this is more a conman / conwoman - rather than a sociopath.
For those who have suffered violence and threats - this is a violent person with anger issues - not a sociopath.
And do I think I am crazy ? Actually no. I think I see the world for what it is. I shall always be fine. Because we are chameleons who do not need to rely on anyone.
Here's my story. I've been dating a Sociopath up until yesterday. I met him on a dating site and almost immediately, he bagan to make me feel bad. I felt the relationship was not real. I didn't feel like he cared yet stayed with him for 8 months. Until he convinced me enough to get him a cell phone and I discovered he was already dating someone else too. The other girl and i became friends and we met up with an ex girlfriend. Oddly, we all worked at the same place. You don't really know what or how they do it, but they have you under their spell and control. I love him still, yearn for him but its the companionship, the activities we did that I miss and not the crying, worrying, feeling insecure and him making me feel like I was crazy. I now know what is wrong with him and he has chosen to stop the "game" with me. I guess he gave up knowing I had backup. I just feel sorry for those to come after me.
(Tigress) well Peter that's "nice" of you, however not all sociopaths have the same goals and motivations. No conscience or normal sense of fear does mean a lot of them steal. Of course they do. What keeps many normal people from stealing is conscience and guilt which sociopaths lack. No sense of love means if they get in a relationship it's for other reasons. This means from the start the relationship is just another game to them. Many will hurt people just for fun. Again it's nice you only target "bad people" however this is not the case for most.
You may not seek to destroy your friends and relations but having no love or sense of attachment to them again means they are only for entertainment or for some other use to you. There is no true friendship from your side. These people are just pawns in your game. More victims though they may not be to the degree of those you purposefully tear apart.
@ roso: same exact thing happened with me too. we've been split for almost 4 months now and he is still trying to contact me with some bullshit. the latest news ive recieved from him is that he now has cancer. when he feels as though a sad or tragic story will win my heart, he again fails to prevail and gets angry. he will text me how miserable i made his life, how none of his friends or family never liked me to begin with and he will be the only man that will love me the way he did..lol...okay! once he is done insulting me he then does it all over again with the sad stories. just wanting me to feel sorry and worried that something bad may happen to him. he doesnt care that im a single mom of two boys, the main provider and worker, stuggling to make ends meet. all he thinks about is why are we not together and to just forget about the past. he cheated many times(while i was at work and my kids in another room), stole from me, lied constantly, drove my friends away and had a baby during our relationship from another woman. oh did i mentioned he also mentally fucked me. he could never hold a job, always "over-qualified",had a rap sheet longer than my toilet paper, and was very secretive. there is much more to this but i would need my own website to provide every detail. you would then need to make a bag of pop-corn to set it off. lol... im still bitter about the situation because i do want to know 'why?'. i have no closure and that does upset me, however im happy its just me and my boys again. i love having time to myself and not worrying about if im being used, or getting cheated on as i bring home the doe. im in charge of my life again and it feels great. i did hear from him yesterday of course but it was just jibber jabber to me. i dont think he does have cancer due to the fact he couldnt tell me the name of his doctor or where he was being treated. and the main reason i suspect its untrue is because im the only one hes told! why not his mom or brother or best friend that live 30 minutes away? his answer: im too embarresed and, please tell no one! yet im the one that screwed up his life!? maybe hes more than a sociopath....what do you think?
My husband gets angry over the smallest things and it usually involves my kids. We have no kids together. He has one child but I have never seen him treat her the way he does my kids. He constantly looks for them to mess up just so he can cuss and yell at them, belittle them. Very disrespectful. When my oldest son prays before dinner, my husband will get up and go into the other room until he is done. I asked him if he was satan? He doesnt keep jobs very long, usually gets fired due to his bad attitude towards coworkers. Seems to get bored easily with jobs. When he is good he is great but when he gets like that I hate him, I dont know him. He goes into a rage and says that if THEY didnt piss him off then he wouldnt have to be that way. He is really sick yet I love the good part of him. He can have a great personality and be very loving to me. I feel as if he is jealous of my kids.He finally crossed the line one night after getting on my son over petty shit and he started throwing furniture and asked me if I wanted him to tear up the house. We called the cops and He has not lived here for 3 months now. Its been mentally hard for me but Im beginning to like our life better with no worries of when he is going to go off on one of us for something stupid.Did i marry a sociopath or psuchopath, b/c thats what i see in his rages. It breaks my heart. pls help.
Well, I agree with Pete. I have said this before on this site...most of these people are just mean, violent people; they are not sociopaths. I believe true sociopaths are far more cunning and convincing and have you taken before you even know it. They are charming and will charm the pants off you just to get what they want and then they are gone. The one thing I saw different from my experience is that the sociopath I was involved with didn't target bullys or greedy people. He would target quiet, sensitive women because he thought they were easier to manipulate.
Peter makes me laugh! He is the classic sociopath. He destroys the careers of the people at the top because he has to teach them a lesson. Never considering that maybe these bosses have a responsiblity to maintain the wealth of a company so he and others can have a job. Talk about a "Grandiose sense of self." He has appointed himself the "hero" to justify making himself feel important. I don't think God or anyone else appointed him to bring down others and make them "re-think their attitude."
He leaves his current batches of friends every 4-5 years. Yeah, another sympton, the Need for stimulatation. I believe SP's can't even stand themelves, so they have to friend hop. Probably the truth is, the friends figure out what a selfish controlling jerk he is and leaves him. But SP's will never admit that they were rejected by their friends. It's always others fault and will blame anyone but themselves.
There is a definite lack of Realistic Life Plan here. He is happy to sit at the bottom? Everyone I know who likes their job and is really good at it, gets promoted. It just comes natural.
His explanations are all given only as a justification for what he does. However, his information is useful. If you ever wonder what kind of person one is, ask them how they feel about their job and bosses. Inquire how long they have had the groups of friends they have had. Ask if they have a need to rid the world of those they perceive to be greedy and if they act on that need. If their answers are like Peter's, then run the other way.
just wanted to say to the commenter below... i suffer from post traumatic stress disorder due to having been abused by my sociopath "family" my entire life. borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder have antisocial properties, PTSD does not and what you wrote is not only 100% inaccurate, it is absolutely offensive and degrading to all ACTUAL victims of it.
check your facts before you put your foot in your ignorant mouth again. as a long term sufferer, it makes me sick to see you make excuses for sociopaths by comparing them to people with true problems. i actually know a sociopath who claims to have PTSD to get disability, when she has admitted she doesnt have it and in her words "just wants to get paid to do nothing", and only learned to mimic its symptoms by observing my suffering for years. she laughs about scamming the government and everyone else she lies to about it (when in private).
like i said, research the facts before throwing out such garbage. maybe YOU are a sociopath, hmm? your comment makes it sound like you are. bad news whoever you may be- to a smart and educated victim like me, sociopaths are easy to spot even by simply reading their sickening writing, always placing blame on the those smart enough to see through the veil of sanity. i sincerely hope someone outs you as the sociopath creep you likely are. CHEERS!
To the commenter -- January 2nd @ 8:58pm
I too, have PTSD. I was raised by two sociopaths who should have been imprisoned, but never spent a day behind bars. Most of my family are sociopaths and I was once married to a sociopath.
So, I was interested in reading the comments in the post you referred to about adults with PTSD ... and to 'get their facts straight'. I couldn't find it. What is the date and time of that post?
Maybe Adam deleted it ... not sure, but I looked for it and I could not find what you were referring to. I am interested in what this person says about people who suffer from PTSD all b/c the legal system doesn't lock up sick people who become parents when they shouldn't be around children at all. I have endured and survived a childhood that no child should ever have to go through. Sociopaths shouldn't be parenting children.
So, I am curious as to where this post is?
(lerrad) I'd like to comment re the oxytocin connection mentioned in the article notes. There is a strong link to autism spectrum disorders that is associated with oxytocin. Asperger's syndrome is one example that seems to have a high correlation. I've seen evidence that a person can become an oxytocin junkie, i.e. that they will go out of their way to get a fix of oxytocin because it induces feel-good emotions. There is also significant evidence that oxytocin induces brain development during gestation that is associated with empathy and understanding later in life. From a genetic perspective, it is likely that some people do not produce oxytocin or produce it in reduced amounts. Others may not have receptors to absorb and use it. Finding how it works would be a very interesting addition to understanding personality disorders.
I was married to a mildly sociopathic woman who was incapable of empathy and went out of her way to take advantage of people and to hurt them physically and emotionally. When things got too constraining, she always had a reason or an excuse. It is extremely uncomfortable to be in a relationship with such a person.
I moderate a forum. I use multiple names to moderate under so that people think there is more than one moderator. I use the information I gather about members from their forum posts to hurt members who piss me off or trigger my anger. Usually, if I think they are too smart or too wealthy or too pretty, this will trigger my rage. After that, I try to destroy them by embarrassing them. It does not matter if they are right or wrong, I will provoke them behind the scenes to try to make them look crazy. I will also change forum rules so that somehow no matter what they do they have managed to break a new rule that I recently changed. Most people do not remember the original rules, so that is easy to do. The fun part s that usually they will futilely try to defend themselves, but they will not know that the game is stacked in my favor. I will use my power as a moderator to ban them when they try to defend themselves after being provoked continually by me. I will NOT make it known to the other more compliant members that the person has been banned so that the rest of the members will not be able to see through my games. I will just send the banned person a private note and prevent them from logging in because I know that most people will not think that they deserved to be banned, based on their posts. On the forum, they show up as signed in, but they can not sign in. I do this in hopes that it will frustrate them and hurt them. I get great pleasure out of playing with peoples' heads this way. The forum I moderate is for abused people so I have a wealth of fragile people to play with. I feel no remorse about behaving so unfairly and whenever someone triggers me, I seek to methodically set them up. I am jealous of people who are better than me through no fault of their own. In real life I have a lack luster job that pays peanuts. My private life is also in shambles, I am a divorced mother. I do not get along with my own mother, and no one respects me the way they should, not even my children. But on the forum i moderate, I am God.
SOCIOPATHIC SISTER
My sister used to stab me with nappy pins and pinch my skin and pull my hair before I was old enough to be able to talk.
I still have vivid memories of the cruel things she did to me daily when I was a very small child.
She was only 15 months older than me yet she was clever enough to always hurt me when my mother or father were not looking.
They thought I was a whingey baby because I was always crying.
I remember my sister taking my favourite toy from me all the time, so my mother got her one that was identical except for the colour.
She did not want it, she wanted mine.
She snatched it off me one day when my mother was walking with us both in the pram and she threw it into a shrub.
My mother was talking to a neighbour and did not notice the soft toy fly through the air.
She wondered why I cried so much.
I was too young to talk but I still remember crying hoping to get my mother to stop and pick up my toy.
We had a beautiful large doll each when we were about 2&3 years old.
She smashed my doll and my mother sent it to a shop for repairs and then wondered why I rejected the doll when it returned all repaired.
I did not want to take the doll back as I knew my sister would break it again and I did not want to feel the pain of that so I rejected the doll and pretended I did not want it.
All through my childhood and teen years she bullied me and stole my pocket money and took my clothes and makeup from me.
She got my mildly mentally challenged younger brother to side with her in blaming me for misdemeanours they committed.
At first when he was little she smashed his toys etc trying to blame him and get him belted like she would get me punished.
She miscalculated because he was too young to have hammered his large battery operated car flat.
Besides that, he was the only son and my mother was very protective of him.
My sister hated me and she also hated my mother so she began training my brother to beat me up and to lie for her and she began teaching him to despise our mother.
Sometimes she tried to get me to go along with her atitude towards my mother but I would always realise she (my sister) was lying in the end and then she would hate me for not joining with her.
My sister was very jealous of my fathers attention and once when my mother was ill in hosital she said to me "I hope she dies".
My sister was only about 12 at the time yet she hated my mother with a vengeance and hid it totally from both of my parents.
When she wanted to go to a private school near the college a boy she was fixated on was attending, she cried and carried on for weeks telling my parents she just had to go to that school to be with her best friend.
The girl she claimed was her best friend was not even a friend.
While at that ladies college my sister frequently, almost daily, skipped classes to meet the boy at a local milkbar.
She tormented the French teacher at the college, until she had a nervous breakdown from the vicious unrelenting slander campaign and constant harrassment.
When my parents were called in to meet with the Principal who gave them a long list of bad behaviour of my sister, and several teachers also spoke of her behaviour, my mother could not believe it and would not believe it.
That is how well my sister role played to my parents.
Behind their backs she consorted with all the rebellious criminal teens in our area, swore like a drunken shearer, smoked, and dressed like a tart.
Other teens taunted me with comments of "Your sister is a slut"
I was really embarressed to be her sister.
To my parents she was a model of decorumj and smartly dressed when in their sight,and I was always told by my mother "Why dont you be more like your sister" which disgusted me.
I could not tell my parents what she was like as every time I ever tried to tell them the truth she would cry and lie and totally cleverly talk herself out of the situation and make it look like I was lying or exaggerating.
It seems the sociopath only flourishes in a so-called civilized society where the rules protect them and can be used in the sp's favor. Otherwise in those 'barbaric' times the victims of these life-destroyers would simply hunt them down and rid society of the scum.
I wonder how long it will be before a predator class for the sociopath makes an appearance. Maybe they are already out there stalking their unsuspecting prey.
Jan 7th - 4:33am POST -- If it were me, of course depending entirely on specific circumstances, I'd print this out and show it to my parents. Then I'd let the healing begin. Is it possible you can do this or would it create too much of a stir?
My sister did similar things to me when my mother wasn't looking, and I suffered as well. I've also heard similar stores from others.
I think parents should have 'Nanny Cams' installed in every room including the outdoor play areas, cameras that others, especially their children, don't ever know about and are totally unaware of.
If I had to raise children all over again (my two are in their early 20's, away at college) I'd sure do it. My one daughter has told me stories from her early childhood that I had no idea was happening and it tore me apart. It must have been awful for her. Here I thought I was the perfect mother, very caring and protective, eyes on the back of my head, and so on. Then, after all these years, I finally find out why my one daughter behaves the way she does and has anger issues and difficulty trusting.
Anyway, is printing this out AND/OR providing your parent(s) with the URL for this Blog a possibility? ... it's just a thought that you may want to consider. Of course we can't change the past, but maybe it can help you to heal and it could also be very validating for you.
(DD) I got rid of my sociopath boyfriend by becoming the very thing that he did not want! It was the only way for me to get him to leave me alone. After 8 months of his lies (even when faced with the truth) I tried on numerous occasions to end the relationship but he used various methods to reel me back in whether it be emotional blackmail, professing undying love, the list is endless!
I started to treat him like a doormat and speak to him like dirt which caused one argument after another and on one occasion I even lashed out and hit him hard in the face! I am not proud of this and I definitely do not condone violence but after everything he has done to me, I have no regrets in doing it!
He has now come to the conclusion that I 'used' him and I've been accused of breaking his heart, destroying his dreams, he has told everyone who will listen what a nasty person I am .. it's laughable really!
But the important thing is he has gone (for now) and I am free of his lies and manipulation. Three days have gone by and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he has decided I'm not his type of person and has moved on to his next victim.
He lied and cheated his way through the whole 8 months, even asked me to marry him and bought me the cheapest ring he could find to convince me he was serious!
Quite frankly, I am glad to see the back of him!
I would love some advice on handling my SIL, Alison. We have had custody of her daughter, now 8 years old, on and off since she was 4. Prior to that point, she always lived with other family members. My husband and I have finally come to terms with the fact that she is a sociopath. She will lie right to your face, knowing you know the truth. She makes up stories to get out of trouble and I think she may actually believe herself. She had married a cocaine dealer (she swears she didn't know he dealt drugs before they married, but I'm sure that's how they met)and had her daughter around this guy until he got caught and is now in jail. Nothing is ever her fault and she is unable to keep a job for more than a few months until they see her real personality. She's very charming and smart, in fact, when I first met her, my husband warned me about how terrible she was, but she had me convinced she was turning over a new leaf and really trying to get her life on track. I tried to convince my husband, and we gave her so many chances, but now I see that she was just taking me for a ride.
We would love to completely cut her out of our lives, but we have her child, Jenna. Her daughter loves her more than anything and just wants to be with her mommy (she doesn't know her father at all, no one knows where he is), but I think her mom is not too interested in being a mom. She has admitted to her other brother that she doesn't feel any type of emotion towards her daughter and whenever they are together, Alison ignores her daughter and is on facebook or on the phone. However, she will post things on facebook about how great of a mother she is and how much she misses her daughter. It's sick. She won't sign over permanent custody paperwork so we can't even get Jenna into counseling, which she desperately needs since she doesn't understand why she's not with her mother. He mom will call and constantly tell Jenna stories about how soon, they will be together forever and no one will be able to break them apart. It kills me to see her play this little girl over and over again. When I look at the sociopath websites, the focus tends to be on sociopathic children and how to deal with them, but nothing on what to do if the parent is the sociopath. She's been in minor trouble with the law all her life, but nothing serious enough for us to take her to court to get custody of her child. If we try to take a stand against her, she threatens to take her daughter and never let us see her again, in fact, each time she has taken her, that is how it's ended, but she always ends up back with us. She has recently told Jenna that when Ali comes to pick her up she will never see or speak with myself or my husband ever again, so we better spend time with her now. How could you say these things to an 8 year old? She's been with us this time for over a year and she wants to go back with her mom, but I know that's because her mom has her duped. I just don't know what to do anymore...
Thanks for your very informative article. I have a close friend who I feel is draining me of a tremendous amount of time, emotional energy, resources, and money. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with her, but I started to become aware of the various symptoms mentioned in your checklist.
This friend constantly complains about her life, her finances, and her hair. She keeps asking me to come over and to bring a DVD for us to watch, in addition to a whole list of other things she needs. I am a giving person and she has taken advantage of this to the extreme.
She tries to get me to worry about things and uses inflammatory terms to try to shock me.
This person is also manipulative and recently tricked me out of some money. She also tries to make me feel guilty about hurting her feelings or not spending as much time with her as she wants. I don't ever actually hurt her feelings because she doesn't seem to feel anything and I'm a tactful person, but she uses this tactic when I have done something where there wasn't an opportunity for her to gain something from my action.
I have realized that this friend also keeps trying to insult me with snide comments about my hair, car, weight, college, etc. I'm thick-skinned, so I don't feel hurt but she shouldn't say such callous things.
Something that makes me not want to stay friends with her is the fact that she talks constantly and won't allow me to fit a word in, even to comment on what she has said. She is extremely long-winded. If I try to start saying something, she cuts me off by saying, "Hold on! Hold on! Listen! There's something I want to tell you about.." and then she will go about something else that is wrong in her life.
Another point that matched the checklist is that she constantly needs entertainment and gets bored easily if she doesn't have someone to listen to her and something to get out and do.
She doesn't care about my life at all, only cares about what she can get from me, and takes delight tricking me. Now that I recognize that she is a sociopath, I am going to try to extricate myself from the friendship so that I can reclaim my life.
To the last post on January 14, 9:43PM.
I don't think your friend is a sociopath. She just sounds lonely and selfish to me. Big difference I think. I could be wrong; I am not an expert. Just my opinion...
Thanks to Adam for facilitating this opportunity to let wisdom emerge about the problems associated with relationships and sociopaths. I came across the blog comments when I went to comment on Adam’s initial summary statements about sociopaths, namely:
“They make you feel sorry for them…worried or afraid…(and)… used.”
I want to make the point that no one can make us feel a certain way. We always choose how we feel (even if it is unconscious). We also get to choose how we behave in response to people and situations.
I am fascinated by the blog discussion about this important topic and especially interested in Eric’s comments (Nov. 20, 2008 8:45 pm) about people who don’t interest him (as a self-identified sociopath) at all, and whom he views as “ghosts”:
The best way to avoid sociopaths is to be comfortable and happy with yourself while at the same time not feeling superior to others. In that sense these people tend to be like ghosts to me.
This sounds like a description of a very balanced person. If we nurture children and provide guidance with limits while maintaining dignity and respect we might avert the problem of sociopathy altogether. What if sociopathy is even partly the result of abuse experienced by a highly sensitive child. Sometimes the most sensitive instruments are the most delicate and easily damaged. How ironic if crude early environments end up severely damaging the sensitive emotional processing of the very people most capable of empathy.
I realize many “experts” would disagree with this idea and I am not overly attached to it myself.
It’s just an idea.
I can certainly identify with the profound and shocking trauma that ensues when a person is unaware of the sociopath reality. I didn’t realize people like sociopaths existed until I had a personal experience with one.
Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes her jewels. Recovery is possible.
A last point I make is that while this discussion is compelling, it can also be very depressing. I am reminded of the need to focus on the light. I recall some advice about the need to be aware of evil but also to avoid giving it too much time and attention. If it is any consolation, it seems most sociopaths don’t do very well as they age, no matter who they are.
To January 16, 10:29AM
Wow, you have hit a lot of points right on the head. Thank you so much for your insight. Even if it is not true, it makes sense to me about these people being damaged in childhood.
I heard someone use the word sociopath but wasn't exactly sure what it was so I googled it. Now I think my boyfriend is one. Hes just turned 20, im one month older. We've been together for nearly 10months. For the first half of the relationship I just thought he was a damaged person (daddy issues and a broken heart from year 9). He's slept with over 80people. When he got dumped in year 9 that made him go on an angry rampage trying to hurt as many girls as he could in the same way he got hurt. I thought it was a bit drastic. He lies all the time. Even about stupid things that don't even need to be lied about. He tries to manipulate me constantly (doesn't have as much success with that as he did with previous gf's who were always 2 years younger), I often wonder if he actually cares about me because his a actions speak otherwise most of the time, we fight a lot and its always him who starts it even though he blames me, he's not reliable in any way-cannot hold a job to not picking me up from work or being on time, he's cute and uses it to his advantage in all situations, he smokes a lot of weed and cigerettes and drinks heaps(seems to not respect himself), he's obsessed with image but won't admit it-always following the crowd while at the same time trying to be individual, has no real desire to change I don't think even though he tells me he wants to be abetter person. I've recently started to think he's tapped in the head. He just makes no sense to me most of the time. His arguments are always stupid and he never really says sorry. He always expects things of others too when he does nothing in return. And when he hates someone he wants to destroy their live-in one way or another. He doesn't seem to care about much. He's never been in love and doesn't seem to want to be. He really does love his mum and dogs though. Sometimes I'll be thinking how much I hate him and how I should dump him, but then he might message or call me and be all lovely and those feelings instantly disappear. I don't know if he just has social issues that he needs to work through, or if hard drugs when he was young screwed up his head or if he may be a sociopath. I don't know if he's going to get his shit together and change in the next year, or if he'll always be the same dick head.
I just really want to understand him, he just won't let me in. He has let a few things slide where he's admitted to seeing horrific things as a child and has also been involved in a pretty big crime(attempted murder, 5 involved) but was let off free of charge.
Does he sound like a sociopath? I didn't go into depth but I can. Please help me
JAM,
He might be a sociopath. But maybe not. But really, do you want to be with someone who lies all the time, can't be relied on, constantly manipulates you, and takes drugs? Is this the kind of life you want to lead, regardless of how you label him?
let wisdom emerge about the problems associated with relationships and sociopaths
Genetic sociopaths do not even have relationships in the context you are attempting to convey. They do not have normal feelings that you can understand. They do not have normal emotions that you can get your head around. There are no modifiers to explain what they experience. The best one can do with the modifier relationships is to say they have evolved into predators that seek human prey.
i am trying to get out of a 17 year marriage to a man i believe is a psychopath. although i will say he is not violent. he has used all the tricks he can to make us all feel sorry for him telling us about cruelty from his mum as a child etc i contacted his mum as she was not prepared to talk to him or about him but wished me luck as id need it! he thinks it is so funny his mum ended up in a mental hospital because of what he done.
over the years he has constantly professed to loving me but ridicules me all the time, he blames me for everything that goes wrong (even if i was not there it somehow gets twisted to being my fault) he lies constantly and if he gets caught out he tells more i end up not quite knowing what happened! i done a social work course years ago and we were all asked to fill in a questionnaire and get another anon person to do 1 the professor held up the one my hubby had done and told us all who ever has filled in this one he would be looking into psychopathic tendencies! this started to worry me and as he has got older (he is now 50) things got worse he has got rid of all my friends and has made it feel awkward when my eldest son comes to visit (he doesnt visit much now) he makes me feel useless and should i cry finds it funny, shows no remorse and cannot say sorry when he does it looks as though he is laughing! he has made me loose jobs even accused me of stealing to one ex employer! he constantly ignores the children but will make a big show of things he does do for them and certainly gets every one to notice! his boredom threshold is low and again gets annoyed when i say im not your entertainment manager find something to do! if any one is sitting next to him he will pinch, poke and annoy just for fun.he has no friends as such as they seem to drift away from him as they get to know him. he watches really violent films and a horrendous amount of porn. he has blackmailed me used guilt trips manipulated and coerced me to having sex which goes on for hours!!! 2 months ago he was caught filming my 23 year old daughter in the shower he has admitted to doing it x2 but we believe it was more he said sorry to us and our daughter he will not discuss it and gets upset if it is mentioned. i have explained we all need answers but nothing , he has lied about what he was doing he said it wsnt sexual!! i immediately kicked him out he went with no problems but fails to see why i will not let him be in the house alone with the "kids" we are not together but he wants us to be. he is trying to buy us with money but still cannot say any thing nice to any of us. a few weeks ago my daughter (she has learning difficulties)had something happen in her life and spent ages sorting it and done a very good job he tried to take over at the end and was annoyed when i stopped him saying this has given her confidence! i am getting out after reading all these posts but i am trying to let him him think it is his idea as i am afraid of violence he has a gun (air pistol)and a sword both he has told me the best ways to kill with (although this was about 4 yrs ago) we have all caught him out on lies and deceit he is annoyed it was the 23 yr old that caught him out on the filming. Our 15 yr old is not comfortable with him if he stays here overnight however she has read up on this and says they reach a peak at 50 and now wants to know if we wait it out will he go back to how he was a few years ago i would love to be able to answer her but cannot find out for sure (i still dont think i want to take this chance as the last 2 months without him has shown just how he was ruining my life and how hard he was trying to make me totally dependent on him) can any one tell me for her sake is this true that it peaks at his age and then subsides?
To January 19 at 2:59
Speaking from experience get yourself and your kids away from him. There is no excuse in the world that could justify filming your daughter. He is a sick parasite that will continue. What you have to do is realize there is nothing you and your kids can do to help him. It is time for self perservation and reach for strength in a higher power. SPs cannot and will not want someone who is independent and in control of themselves. They prey on the weak. He will not stop and he has already scarred your daughter I guarantee. Kids are given to us to protect so do what is right. You would not let a rapist or murderer into your home so why let him. Good luck
I see myself as a sociopath, I never understood myself and the way I reacted to life compared to others around me."altho my father is a sociopath". It is all about control and the game.Winning was it all-but as Eric pointed out-it takes more and more to feel the win.Intelligent sociopaths will see that there is nothing at the end of winning.Hitler killed millions to win and still had not won so he killed more and was on constant drugs and was still not appeased.If we are intelligent we see it for what it is Our own hell! We think it eases our own hell to bring others there to share it.momentarily it does but also makes our hell grow. We have emotions or we would not have the need to hurt others,normal people respond possativly to kindness it only enrages us."I dont understand that yet". I don't believe it is genetic-I believe it is ultra sensative humans that have been hurt to the point of not being able to process it.Back to Eric, avoid us by being comfortable and happy with yourself.I personally am trying overcome this condition.I want to feel satisfaction by nurturing others, at this point it only depletes me and sometimes totally enrages me.
marie, i am now getting confused are you saying that there is hope and help for a sociapath, that if a sp wants to change they actually can?
adam... jan 17th 1.05 i believe my hubby tells me and reminds me often that he is a sociapath to frighten me into "doing as im told" he frequently soon after refers to his army life in ireland and killing people or refers to his sword stick and his air pistol (both are now "missing" since i kicked him out but he doesn't yet know) could they use it for their own reasons?
jan 25 10.41
can you change the way you are or are you "stuck" in an emotionless state i dont mean for a while i mean with help and love can you become a "normal" person like i think i am? can some one with this disorder become a person with empathy enough to be able to help people rather than destroy or play with them, can they turn it around to do good things as opposed to bad things, i am genuinely interested!
i am confused i thought my brother was a sp but although he has a lot of the traits there is one thing that makes me wonder, if he is relaying a story about someone who has done something above and beyond his duty (normally nice) he gets choked up and has problems telling it. after reading all the comments this could mean he is not a sp but obviously something else is wrong would i be right in saying this despite the fact he lies deceives cheats manipulates control's does drugs and is very cruel without appearing to care?
REPLYING TO JOYCE ...
Sociopaths (and psychopaths as well) do not have a conscience. They simply don't experience emotions the way normal people do. They can't put themselves in another person's place because they do not have the ability to do so. So, they don't feel compassion or empathy for others -- they lack the ability. There is no effective treatment or cure. I hope this helps. Jana
Rob, yes, you would be right in saying that. It is possible for someone to lie, cheat, deceive, appear not to care, and still not be a sociopath. How many of the 13 character traits of sociopaths does your brother display?
Joyce, it is possible for someone to express fewer of a sociopath's traits. But, no, a sociopath cannot learn to feel empathy.
Anonymous, yes, certainly a sociopath could use it against you if he knows you already understand what a sociopath is.
This is one of many reasons NOT to tell a sociopath you suspect him or her of being one.
I know sombody who fits the description of being a sociopath, with narcissistic attributes.
This article touched on issues and answered lingering questions about these conditions.
There have been many experiences with these personality traits, it is disturbing to think (even though it fits) that they are cold etc.
They are complex people and are cunning.
The article explains a lot.
adam he shows definatelyfor 10 of the 13 another 2 are good possibilities flattery he never gives cannot praise unless made to! another is giving he buys people uses money and dope to keep people close! if you try to stop dope he laughs and tells you that you cant, but doesnt give much else will run you around and help you to find things on the net but thats about the extent of niceness, he has a very good and quick if a bit mean sense of humor!
My dad and my 24yr old brother are sociopaths I am sure of it. My brother even says that is what he is. My dad sexually molested me when I was 13yrs old and for a long time he tryed to make me believe that it never happened and that I was crazy. Now he just tells people that he thought it was the best thing for me to teach me what men are really like. He actually tells people that and they understand why he did it, as a matter of fact the people that hear this tell me I was just not looking at the reasons he did this and that he did nothing wrong. Right now he is on his 5th marriage and has cheated on all of his wifes. When he was married to my mom(his first wife) he had sex with her younger sister in the next room while my mom had to listen. He is alway tring to sway the way I think if it is differant from him. He will even make up facts that sound so really I have believed him many times. He always plays to my emotional side saying he has changed. I have 4 daughters of my own now and he trys to tell me that he would never do anything to them, because he has changed. He is always asking me to send my two older girls to visit him for the summer and when he is here he knows I have rules that he is not allowed to be alone with my girls, but he always trys to do this. He even turns my girls against me, they get so mad at me that I will not let them go to
fun places with him. I know him better than they do though. He truely scares me I am scared that someday he is finally going to make it sound so good I let them go with him or that if I cut him out of my life what would he do then. I truely don't know what to do about him. As for my brother he is 10yrs younger than me and has always been a social outcast. He stays in his house all the time and reads and studies everything(He is extremely smart). The only time he leaves his house is for work. We talk on facebook now and he has figured out things that I believe in or things that I like through the posts I have on there. He will post horribly rude things and find ways to really put me down. It was so bad my husband stepped in and told him how much it was hurting me and that he was even making me cry over some of the things he posted. He told my husband he was sorry he would never do it again. He even posted a message saying what a jerk he is, because he made his sister cry. So I thought it was all over, but no. Now his posts are even worse so bad my friends are questioning why I still have him on my facebook account. I am scared of what he will do if I un-friend him.
January 28th @ 8:02pm --
If I were you, based on what you've said and if it's all accurate, I'd get your father and brother out of my life ... for good ... forever. I am so sorry you had to go through that. The people who thought what he did was ok, are just as sick as he is. Causing trauma to a child is not ok. It robs a child of their innocence, their childhood. It is not ok. It causes PTSD and it's something you never forget. Maybe you can forgive, but you can never forget.
Your father sounds crafty, as he's has cleverly gained your daughters' trust leading them to believe he's a great guy. He has done a good job of making them perceive that he's safe and fun to be around. But, the reality is that he is very dangerous. As you know, if he molested you, he'll probably molest them and then deny it and once the damage is done ... it's done. IMO, he's reeling them in because he knows that if he doesn't, he has no access to them and therefore no way to molest them. IMO, he is planting the seeds and setting the stage. A man who is trying to manipulate a situation to molest a child (or children) IS going to be fun and nice and entertaining. He knows that if he doesn't act this way and pretend, or if he's grumpy or distant, they surely won't want to be with him and then he has no chance of molesting them. It is a ploy. He is manipulating them so that he can do to your children what he did to you and then later deny it.
You are the mother and they don't have the experience, knowledge and the insights that you have. As I said, if I were you, based on your facts, I'd completely disown them. As far as your brother, I'd avoid him also b/c eventually you'll be dealing with some serious damage control. Plus, he will tear apart your friendships. Your 'friends' will start to wonder and to question your mental state (based on the on-line things he is doing that you've mentioned) and as a result they might, little by little, slowly over time, start to avoid you. Sociopaths tear relationships apart, using a wide variety of methods, and however they can. That is what they do.
If your father were to molest your daughters, by the time they are teens or young adults, you'll see your relationship with them deteriorate because they will assume you could have protected them and avoided their trauma, but didn't do so.
As far as your brother, nothing good can come out of a relationship with him. Nothing. Make him come to the conclusion and think he 'dumped' you. Start doing things he hates or that you know makes him feel uncomfortable. You need to make him think you are changing, ,or that something is wrong with you that he didn't previously notice, so that he 'un-friends' you, NOT the other way around. Clue your friends in if you are certain that they are trustworthy and won't tell him and if it's appropriate. I hope this helps. Jana
I agree with Jana post.
My uncle, who molested me, was the most fun, understanding, sympathetic, validating, laid-back man to be around and he made me feel safe and secure but then one day he molested me. He gave me everything emotionally that he thought was lacking in my life. When he had my complete faith and trust, then he molested me. That is how sociopaths and also how molesters work. That is one of their M.O's.
Because of your brother, your friends will soon start to shy away from you as most people know if someone hangs out or associates with a toxic or mean person then there must be something wrong with them as well. Your acquaintences probably won't bother to become your friends if they think you have someone abusive and scary in your life. It is hard enough to make friends, ones who are real and genuine and who are out for your best interests and who you can depend on in both good and bad times.
Your brother is setting out to destroy your relationships. Sociopaths do whatever it takes to put a wedge between a mother and daughter, and father and son, between siblings, between relatives and, yes ... between friends.
One of the most evil acts sociopaths are known for is breaking up a good, healthy, close relationships, and then sitting back, smiling, enjoying their 'win', before moving on to their next victim.
Thank you for the article! (((hugs)))
My daughter is a documented Borderline Sociopath with multiple commitments and my mother and sister have Antisocial Personality Disorder. It runs in my family. These diagnoses were hidden from the family because of privacy laws by Mental Health. My father used to tell me I was the only other person in the family like him and cry. The difference between Borderline and Antisocial is that a borderline craves repeated betrayal and reunion with the parent or others who may love them. Each time the abuse of the parent gets greater and the reunion less satisfying. This is the type of Sociopath that is more likely to kill their mother, father, sister, brother and children. They are like an antisocial who wants to win, but they have an additional driving need to for betrayal and reunion. Maybe they are trying to feel something. Believe me...these types of people are incapable of love.
For other people in my position I have some suggestions:
-They are incapable of love…not you. Love and be aware that you may need to learn to recognize sociopathic behavior when you choose friends, boyfriends and husbands. If you are the child of a sociopath realize that what you were raised to think of as love is not. Hurting you, stealing from you, hurting your animals, hurting your loved ones, lying to you, breaking your stuff, hitting and being cruel to you is not love.
-Document issues and situations they create. Put the phone on speaker and get a tape recorder and record their call to you. You may need them in court.
-Take out a restraining order. Sociopaths don’t like jail and sometimes this keeps them away.
-You have to cut them off completely! You have to also cut off any family member or friend who is not on the same page as you and who continues to be bamboozled by the sociopath. They will use others to hurt you.
-Sociopaths are split into to categories: Borderline Personality Disorder and Antisocial Disorder. Borderline does not mean they are sitting on the edge of being a Sociopath, it means that they are more likely to fall off the edge and hurt others.
I do not believe that the diagnosis of Borderline or Antisocial Personality Disorders should be withheld from family members by Mental Health. Not only would this knowledge save lives their victims may have long happy lives filled with love.
ADAM - Thanks ... this Blog has been very helpful to me. I am curious and have a question about sociopaths and MMPI Personality tests. Jana
Do you know what (MMPI) personality type is most likely considered, although perhaps not definite, to be a sociopath?
I read INTF's or INTJ's are more likely to possibly be a sociopath than any of the other personality types but it doesn't mean that ALL of them are definitely sociopaths. Is that true? I searched and couldn't find out if this is accurate.
Do you know? Any thoughts about what MMPI personality type might be most likely to be a sociopath?
Thanks ... Jana
Jana,
I don't know the answer to your question. I've never seen any reference to it. Now I'm curious. If you come across something, please post it.
And also, thank you for your insightful and helpful comments when people ask questions. I always like your answers.
I did more checking and I think I may have confused Myers-Briggs with MMPI ... although maybe they are one and the same or very similar.
Anyway, here is what I gleaned from reviewing a few posts on an 'INTJ Forum'. An INTJ personality profile may mimic the traits of a sociopath but it may or may not mean that a person actually is a sociopath. I think that there are way too many variables. For example, a person may have emotions but not relate to others' issues or a person may not have empathy but can pretend to have feelings and empathy. I doubt that these tests are an accurate indicator or method of determining if a person is a sociopath. I believe that these personality tests can rule out the possibility of an individual being a sociopath but they probably aren't an accurate indicator of socio-pathology. I think you would agree that it is impossible to get inside someone's head or to know how they are thinking and what they are feeling unless a brain scan showed that the 'empathy' part of the brain is a 'dead zone'. I'm not a psychologist ... just my opinion. JANA
WikiHow has several articles on sociopaths:
How to Deal With a Sociopath
How to Detect a Sociopath
How to Understand Sociopaths
Martha Stout said if more people knew about sociopaths there would be less war in the world. I think she's right. Consider these facts:
1. According to the famous Milgram experiments, 65 percent of people will follow the orders of an authority.
2. Sociopaths want to win. They seek control. They are excellent manipulators. They don't care who gets hurt. They don't care who lives or dies.
3. They sometimes make it to positions of power. And they cause wars.
If more people knew the characteristics of a sociopath, more people would identify them for what they are before they gain too much authority and power. A sociopath would then be less likely to ever gain significantly powerful positions.
Result: Fewer wars.
There would be less horror in the world.
The truth is, even though it is a common belief that "man is a violent species," we are not. But when a sociopath gains a position of supreme authority and they start wars, 65 percent will obey authority, and most of the rest will be fooled and manipulated into believing in supporting the cause. The result is war. And many of those who fight in them feel terrible about the whole thing. They don't want to kill. They feel they have to.
The reason sociopaths are able to get away with as much as they do is because most people are so ignorant about the topic.
Now listen: You are in a unique position to save the world. Not very many people know about such a thing as "common, everyday sociopaths." They don't know their characteristics. They don't know how to spot them.
But you do.
Share your knowledge. Share it far and wide and in every way you can. And urge everyone you know to help you spread the knowledge. This could change the course of history. I think it could go a long way toward real peace on earth.
What do YOU think?
In response to ananymous (Jan 26) you asked if i think we can change? I dont know- I know i am trying,sometimes i do feel empathy now,but i still get more pleasure from causing confusion and pain.So i am sure some will say i am not really sociopathic and i have not been diagnosed except by people close to me,I have been to therapy and of course impressed my therapists. I have been reading up on the articles of the brain of sociopaths and would love to volunteer for research and also get my own diagnosis if i really am sociopathic. I hate trying to understand and feel what other people are feeling, my thought is, why should i bother with you,unless i have an alterior motive to gain from it,like having power over them,so for me to believe that others do it for kindness or empathy is extremely hard.So why do i want to change? I do remember as a very young child feeling empathy and so there is this flicker of hope that there may be another side to life. and logically as posted in the first post we are in a hell or we would not have a need to torment. We just arent honest enough to admit our pain because that hampers our so called winning,some people compare us to predators,predators in the animal world dont devour thier own young, we do. I agree get sociopaths out of your life and have no mercy,but i hope they find a cure.
I have a step daughter who is in treatment, with an expected future diagnosis of Sociopath- She has a serious problem with myself and my daughter. She is very angry about her father marrying me and having another child. I have been warned by various professionals that she will hurt me & my child. This all being said- her father is still in denial about this seriousness of this situation- and I'm not sure how to help him understand my boundaries regarding his daughter/my step daughter- I have told him that she will never live in my home again... but he is still trying to make plans for all of us in the future- denial. Any suggestions or other's in similar situations? I feel alone in my situation, and could use some advise.
The majority of the article is quite accurate, but just one part insults me quite a lot:
"Sociopaths have nothing else to think about...so they have much more time to think about clever ways to gain your trust and stab you in the back,"
It's not always a conscious decision but more about acting on an urge of a feeling and putting the pitfalls in place to let human nature pan out naturally.
And as far as having nothing ELSE to think about, I have a wide and extensive range of hobbies, thank you
I believe that I am married to a Sociopath. Initially he was quite charming but over the years he slowly became a monster. He has never been able to keep a job and hasn't had any type of employment in the last 25 years. He doesn't lift a finger to help me in any way. I actually feel more like his mother than his wife. He has been in trouble with the law and has had problems with alcohol and drug abuse in the past. He has stolen from me and has financially drained me. He has cheated on me numerous times. And yet, after all he has done to me, there is never any kind of apology and he feels absolutely no guilt or remorse. Instead, he turns things around and blames me for his problems. I don't make enough money, I don't keep the house clean enough, I don't do anything for him, I don't love him enough, I was the reason he cheated, etc., etc., etc. This man is nothing more than a parasite but every time I plan to leave him, he threatens to hurt me or embarrass me or cause me trouble in some way (which I know he is capable of doing) and so I stay. This is no way to live. I am absolutely miserable with this man.
I have a question regarding sociopath that I am hoping someone can answer. It seems like just about anyone can 'turn off' their concious at times. There are many every day examples of this that range from ordering a burger and never considering the pain and suffering the animals endoud to booing an opposing sports figure. The list can go on and on but I will end it hee. So the question is do we all have sociopathic tendencies? Sorry about the grammar written from my cellphone...
Russell,
You can choose to avoid thinking about some things if they are relatively unimportant, but you would have a hard time avoiding thinking about causing pain to another human being, especially someone who loves you. A sociopath doesn't have to avoid thinking about those things. A sociopath just doesn't care.
So no, I don't think "we all have sociopathic tendencies."
My brother has made the news as a 'chronic offender' and he is a long-time drug addict. He is intelligent and extremely charming. I have been warned by social workers and healthcare professionals to be extremely careful around him, as he is highly manipulative. On one hospital visit to him in early November, he gave me a Christmas gift (very inexpensive) for my son. When I blushed and said: "but I haven't got your Christmas gift yet, I will have to bring it on my next visit" he responded: "that's ok sis, why don't you just give me $20, I would be really happy with that". I have also been a victim of numerous other deceitful, pre-meditated stunts at his hands, and I finally cut-off relations with him after feeling literally vulturized by him on my last visit about 4 years ago. Anthow, he continues to play on my mother's sympathy (especially now that he is ill). Interestingly, although one of his social workers (he has had many) has admitted to me that he likely has ASPD, and his current support worker also suspects mental health issues, the local mental health treatment centre(s) refuse to accept him as a client (despite my mother's numerous letters and pleas). I am thinking that it could be due to limited resources, whereby an adult client needs to fit the criteria of having psychosis, paranoid schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder to 'make the cut' for services; or, perhaps it is because he is considered to be sociopathic and the treatment centres feel that he is 'untreatable' and that no positive outcomes, regardless of inputs and activities (treatments) are attainable. This is what I suspect, and this is what I am telling my mother is likely the reason for him being rejected. Do you agree? I just wish that the mental health centres would tell my mother the truth (they simply ignore her and refuse to acknowledge her letters). It is very sad. This whole situation is slowly destroying my mother's life, and gravely affecting her own mental health (she is a lovely person by the way; but I do believe that my father and grandfather had ASPD - likely explains things). ANONYMOUS
My sibling is a diagnosed narcissist with empathy. Clearly he snowed the Dr because outside of his children-he has no empathy. His behavior is so shocking and the more I have seen in the last 3 years the more frightened I have become. Our parents passed recently and the paranoia, accusations, harassment and abuse is endless. Now I wonder if he is really a sociopath or psychopath. He had violent tendencies as a kid when he did not get his way and I don't know if he ever outgrew it...The last time he thought he could punch me, I called 911 - we were both in our 20's. My parents never faced his behavior and he did not accept accountability or responsibility for his actions and still does not. It is always someone else's fault and he is his own moral compass. He can vary between crazy and seemingly normal in one 5 minute conversation. Some tell me walk away, never look back and protect myself first. I have chosen to remove myself from direct contact as every conversation he is verbally abusive but will this really end the cycle?
-scared sister
Scared Sister,
Removing yourself from direct contact will not end HIS cycle (his varying between crazy and normal), and it probably won't end his harassment of you.
If you want to stop being abused and harassed, you should have NO contact with him. Not even indirect. Have nothing to do with him. Listen to your friends: Walk away. Never look back.
My ex falls well under the definition of sociopath. I left him after six years of marriage because I realised, and started to suffer, his true nature and his utter obsession with revenge against people who crossed him, for the stupidest little things like a neighbour who didn't park in the shared drive correctly... i mean, he would plot elaborate revenge against people for nothing, it was absolutely mad. He would pretend to be other people, make phone calls under a fake name, and use fake identities to mess with neighbours. he also plotted against his colleagues at work, it was constant. Then, when I left him, I became his primary target. This was in 2008. I faced an onslaught of false allegations, he told courts that I was mental, that I threatened to harm our then 4 year old son, and made me out to be a crazy monster... Three years on, he has not let up. I was awarded sole residency of my son, but this monster is always 'there,' abusing his 'right' of parental responsibility and his generous contact with our son to continue to exert control and dominate. Courts have done me a great dis service by failing to recognise his sociopathic behaviour. My former solicitor also failed to address it properly. People in the ordinary world just do not get it.
This is all a game to him, and I know he wont stop until my son is an adult. I know he cant. And the stress he causes me will probably effect my longevity and god knows its affected my mental health, but i keep on for the sake of my son, whom i adore and who is NOT like this beast.
It is also terribly agonising this trait amongst these people that they are so manipulative, because my ex is able to make people like head teachers and staff believe he is lovely, and I am a bad parent, and I am treated badly by my son's school, and Ive done nothing wrong. It breaks my heart and you feel so alone in all of it.
Know what he did to his ex before me? She was a diabetic. He had initially told me that she 'relied' on him to give her her insulin, and he told me she was 'lazy' about taking it, and that she'd have seizures in public with him (strangely he was always there), to 'rescue' her in front of everyone and administer insulin whilst she lay there, telling onlookers that she was 'terrible' about taking her insulin...
He later accused her of trying to kill him and then boasted to me of how he had won over her own therapists, convincing them she was mental.
There is no excuse for this behaviour. Yes its rooted I believe in his hatred for his father, who left his mum when he was 18 or so. But hey, I come from a broken family and I didn't turn into a sociopath...
I think the only way to deal with these people is alot of therapy, doing your best to switch off and not let them get to you (which is difficult when others believe them), and just hope that one day karma will pay them a visit.
I hope daily that he gets his karma one day. Its really my only consolation. Perhaps he will hook up with a partner who is even more of a sociopath than he is, and poetic justice will be served? Just my wishing out loud.
xxx
I'm married to a sociopath. He could care less about my feelings and the the concerns of my handicap daughter (which is not his child). I cry and he has no feelings or remorse for the hateful things he saids to me. I am not happy in this marriage at all. he's a selfish man and since I've been married to him, I have lost close relationships and never invited to any family or friend functions. Even when we do go places, (vacations) he spoils the trip and makes the whole vacation a total waste. I've made up my mind that I can not vacation with him. I already suffer with low self confidence and being with this man does not help.
I think my estranged husband ( only because he will not participate in a divorce process, he just does not respond, it has been three years, and because I am afraid of pissing him off) is a sociopath, he lied to me through out our marriage which I only found out after I left him ( that would be after he sexually assaulted me and drugged me) I would have sworn up and down that he was a good decent man, only to find out he had been committing fraud for years, stole from his family and place of work ( he was a center manager with UPS , a college graduate etc.) He stole my jewelry and blamed it on his mother. All in all he constantly asked for pity portraying himself as low in self esteem....the one pervasive feeling tht got bigger and bigger through our marriage was that somehow things were not adding up. I did ALL the work, I mean to a ridiculous amount. It is very strange to realize you are married to someone who will take advantage of you at every turn. It is hard to accept kind of hard to think it is real because who thinks they are married to a monster?
Anyway I have now accepted that he never loved me he just married me because he needed someone to raise his daughter. And she was worth it. We are still close I have left him and she is grown now. She knows what he is ,poor baby, he talked her out of going to college so she would stay around to keep him company texting her that he was going to kill himself if she left him. Too bad he didn't he is a waste of oxygen.
I am now in a loving fulfilling relationship I am in grad school and I am leading a happy and rewarding life. Now if I could just get DIVORCED! without him killing me or raping me or god alone knows what would occur to him if I go after our marital assets.
Will I ever be free of him or am I always going to have to carry that pepper spray in my purse, keep my address a secret etc.?
How do I make him forget about me? I want to be free of this person. So I figure he is either a sociopath or the Prince of Darkness, lol I can picture his handsome face being so shocked that I would say such a thing.
(FREE AT LAST) BTW an identifier I am the one who posted about my estranged husband ( because he won't respond to the divorce papers) I was reading on another site this tendency to have a big angry or frustrated reaction to little things minor annoyances are a big deal but big things there is no response. DANG! that is like a lightning bolt for me. So pathetic I used to thoink ihe was a rock, ya know when the really bad stuff happened in life because I was an emotional mess and he was so calm I thought wow what a great guy he is so calm in the middle of this. Now I think about it he never cried when his favorite uncle died, when our daughter was in real trouble and at real risk he was perfectly calm. It makes sense now he just didn't care. He gets way with unbelievable things because everyone is so puzzled by his behavior he rolls through people and has no friends. I am ashamed to have been married to him, I feel a fool. I just hope he gets run over by a bus so he won't hurt anyone else. He already has of course one woman who contacted me, we are friends now and she is engaged to be married to someone else.
Is it typical for them to be stalkers? HE does this I can tell whenever he is bored, I guess he is in between other people and then he starts texting me again.
He texted me Happy Valentine's Day and I started having nightmares again. He has my number btw because my daughter has it and he got it off of her phone and I am tired of changing it I have been through 4 in the past year.
(why not try harmony)
I agree with "just a mama". How can people really diagnose themselves as mentally ill, isn't it too easy to dramatise your worst moments and forget other, good moments?
Especially if you've had a difficult upbringing. I sometimes think love itself is just too hard, and that to seek harmony, restraint, and trying very hard never to speak ill of others behind their backs, is also worthwhile.
Many of the "admissions" from people posting here, strike me as somehow desperate, exaggerated. Strikes me they're rather suggestible, and not half as bad or as bored as they have been suggested to believe.
I have been used, devalued, and discarded by my sociopath boyfriend. He charmed his way into my heart and "became" the man for me. I fell in love with him..All of a sudden, he discarded me. I cant function and am mortified. I had given him 9 thousand dollars to help him to get out of debt that i knew i would never see again. I didnt care. I cant get him out of my system and think about him all the time. Do they come back to old relationships?
Yes, Divya, they sometimes come back.
I urge you to join a support group. Look in the left sidebar of this comments page and find resources. They come back, but you're looking at just more pain in the future. Get help while you can. There is life after a sociopath; life that gets better and feels good.
I have bad news for you: Anything you want from him means he has a way to manipulate you. You want to get him as far away from you as possible. That's not going to happen. And the more you try to make it happen, the more entangled you will be in his life.
YOU must get away. The sooner the better.
Interesting article about how the brains of sociopaths differ from those of normal people:
http://arstechnica.com/science/news/2011/02/thoughtcrime-the-ethics-of-neuroscience-and-criminality.ars
I am wondering about how easy it is in daily living to differentiate an adult without a treatment history who has some degree of Asperger's from an adult is who could accurately be described as sociopathic.
What I have noticed is that children and adults with Asperger's can be unaware of what other people are perceiving and thinking. I have also noticed that they can have temper flares when they are overwhelmed.
I think people with Asperger's want to be nice to others, but some of them sometimes misinterpret social cues to the extent that they don't respect boundaries that are clear.
How can I differentiate between these two types of individuals when I have met someone new who behaves apologetically when he hurts my feelings, but at the same time is repeatedly difficult to deal with?
I think it matters because as I understand it someone with Asperger's could learn better social functioning if he or she chose to find a professional to help.
(Adam) HOW am I to get away from that if the judge won't terminate the guardianship?
Adam,can a man diagnosed with Peter Pan Syndrome,Bipolar and Schizoafffective Disorder come across as a low-grade sociopath?
Anonymous,
You must do everything in your power to FIND a way. Never give up. You are in danger.
Kat,
Yes, that is quite possible.
I've been researching this topic quite a bit lately. It seems like a lot of pieces to an unfinished puzzle are raining down and falling into place.
It's important to note that those active in addiction present similar traits, so change and "cure" may not be a lost cause.
Divya, I have just had a similar experience. I was love bombed for 18 mpnths by a man who encouraged me to divorce my husband of 15 years, to run away with him. He was romantic, charming, highly cultivated. His forte was/is online economics forums where he can flex his 160 IQ mental muscle. His constant flattery and non stop attention (most of it online), was hard to resist. In September I began to feel deep anxiety, mixing with infatuation and love. He tried to make me feel guilty for issues that were clearly his fault. He covertly controlled my time and energy. I felt chained to my computer trying to keep up with his numerous page long emails. What's interesting about this phenomenon is the implicit nature of the control. Although he never told me directly that he would leave me if I didn't keep up with his overwhelming correspondence style, I felt that if I did, he would drop me like a hot rock. I used to kind of laugh at my "foolish worries" about him.
My intuition told me that once the limerance or strong romantic love aspect of the relationship petered out, (usually replaced by strong loving bond) he might lose all interest in me.
My suspicions, as it turned out were very well founded. After I asked my husband for a divorce this man simply vanished. I mean, he disappeared. He won't respond to my emails or phone calls.
It is difficult to accept that what seemed like love and genuine attachment, was romantic courtship taken to sociopathic extremes. One thing that might make it easier for you to accept, as it helps me is to frame it this way. The sociopath is as prone to being swept off their face and developing obsessive infatuation as you or I. The way he was with you wasn't necessarily purely deceitful. My sociopath wasn't just acting infatuated and "in love", he genuinely was. Those feeling though, as we all know, have no real staying power. When the relationship progresses, as it must...they move on. They do it abruptly and without any concern whatsoever, as now you are just a person like anyone else, and they have no real concern for anybody.
If you look back, could you see signs, red flags, by the way they treated others?--Take care, my dear--
Just recently the victim of a sociopath. Wish I had seen it earlier, I've known him for years. He's left a trail of destruction through all of my friends, and many of my acquaintances, and he may go after the one who means most to me next.
(DD)My 18 yr. old son is currently in a very abusive relationship with a sociopath. She slithered into our lives a little over a yr. ago and is still squeezing the life out of him today. He, as far as his family can tell, is still totally unaware and TOTALLY unreceptive to any intervention. He went from a straight A senior in CP courses to a high school drop out with no friends or family left in his life. If her goal was isolation (and it certainly was) she has accomplished this totally. He lost his best friend from kindergarten on, as well as all other friends and one by one shoved away all family members until none are left save his grandmother who can occasionally get him to speak to her for a few minutes. She even managed to have his beloved cat that slept with him every night since he was 5 booted from his room and banned starting from day one. Allergies she said..although she is not allergic to any other animal. This girl is good. She got past me for several months before I realized what I had let into our lives. I'm normally very good at reading people, and from the very beginning I discussed with my best friend , feelings that something was 'off' with this girl. Nothing you could put your finger on though...
(DD) continued...so it became a wait and watch situation. I saw too late. By the time I was fully aware of the danger, he was wrapped, and nothing said or done accomplished anything but more blame being place on me/his family. She has convinced him that his entire family has never cared about him, that his entire life and all he knew to be true simply wasn't. He says/thinks that I am the one without emotion...I'm pretty certain that she uses the word sociopath to describe me to him, based on several things he's said to me shortly before he left home. He gave up funding, school, a car, support, insurance etc. etc. to follow her away. The are now living with her family, who thinks that he "couldn't graduate from school because he never had support from his family and could never get a ride/car to go to school" They feel like they are helping this poor lost soul because he is pitiful and has no one to help him of love him. Like taking in a homeless puppy. Her mother thinks they were kicked out of my house because I'm crazy. None of this even has a grain of truth to it.
(DD) continued...At this point, we haven't spoken since Sept. I raised my son not to lie, cheat, steal or use people and had no doubt of the good and true adult he would become. He was raised without lies or manipulation and always trusted his family. He would tell the truth even if it got him into trouble and he was on an excellent path as a human being. Now he doesn't even seem like the same person I raised for 18 yrs. I would hear her psycho babble spewing from his mouth in the end and it was disgusting to hear. This little girl has taken just enough psychology in college to be even more dangerous. I can get into the advice of "don't walk , RUN away from sociopathic children/father's/mother's/sibling's/friend's etc. etc. But...what do you do when it's your child being ruined? He is a victim and how can I simply walk away from him? I have entertained thoughts of 'playing her game' , but I don't think I'm capable of stooping so low. Then again, this is my CHILD and I am increasingly afraid for his physical safety along with his mental safety. So far I am trying to take the stance of just waiting until she is finished/bored with him, and just being here to help him put the pieces back together if possible. I send a message to him online once or twice a week just saying "I love you" or "I miss you" or "If you need me, I'm here always" etc. etc. I don't get responses to them, but feel I should make sure he's told and reminded just in case he ever opens his eyes and is willing to accept help, or even admit needing it. I want to take a more active role in bringing her down and exposing her, yet don't know if it would do more harm than good. I've read several hundred posts on here, but have yet to see any situation stated like this, or any advice related to it. Is there ANYTHING a mother can do to save her teenager from destruction? Is it time to take action? or is it pointless?
How do you out a socio? This woman has devastated our family for 4 years now. She has charged my son with domestic violence,and any advice?abused my grandbaby.He got custody of the baby which started a new round of revenge. Now a restraining order and human services is involved. in 3 months she has lied & manipulated H.S. into thinking she is cured and that my son is terrible and that she is the victim. He has no life but she carries on doing what she did before and they are thinking of returning the baby to her? Human services actuallu told us they don't want to hear us say anything bad about her? This baby can't be given back to her
Doctor's want to come up with a term for it but a "sociopath" is just a person with a deteriorating spiritual condition. I know plenty of sociopaths that have been cured by Jesus Christ.
I was married to a sociopath for 13 years, separated for 5, divorced for 3 and still it continues. He did all the normal stuff, blame everyone else, abusive, couldn't careless about the children, stole, lied (about everything, claims he worked for MI5 ..MFI more like) etc.
Thankfully he married a fantasist off the internet (ready made home, some money, next victim), who he manipulated enough to start sending emails, she ended up in court for harassment ..the stories he told her were amazing.
Once he realised that we were all happy, he of course stops paying child maintenance and then after me freezing his bank account (didn't like that), and sending in bailiffs to the 'current' wife's house (now SP really annoyed) he filed to vary the maintenance order ..not that he was paying anyway.
So 18 months down the line, numerous court hearings ending in 2 full days of listening to how everything is 'all my fault', he is now separated from internet wife of 1 year (bs), living in a tiny rented room (victim, feel sorry for me judge); he has just LOST and has to pay everything ..about £45k. Next hearing we are going to have a chat about costs (mine) and his payment plan (that will be hilarious).
A quote from the judgement he received 'He said that the children are not a priority! Nonetheless they are the courts'. (what a charmer).
I had with me a MacKenzie friend, after listening to the SP for 1 hour he turned to me and said he is a con man. Kept contradicting himself, claimed he didn't know anything about 'current wife's' income (I did though) and that due to my 'harassment' i.e. legal enforcement he was kicked out of her house (bs).
Justice a long haul, and it just shows that SPs can 'lose', getting money out of the SP will be another matter, but bailiffs do a fantastic job. He even rang them countless times, telling them they were 'fraudsters'; they just laughed at him and hung up.
He has not see either child in years now 18 and 16, both straight A* students, one off to read physics at university and the other hoping to study classics. They know he is a SP, and just an embarrassment to them. Best thing he ever did was stay away from my children ..jealous to his core.
So if you meet a SP ..run away, have no contact with them ..and just sometimes the courts get it right. The best way to expose a SP is use their own evidence. I prefer to think of the nasty current wife as being bled dry, already she has re-mortgaged to fund his self importance ..time is a great healer.
I told the judge he is a pathological liar, and proved with my documentation a HMRC tax fraudster and thief ..phoney VAT number, tax evader, 143k ..I'm sure HMRC will catch up with him!
He spent the entire time in court talking about himself (bore, bore, bore). Before the judgement had even been written he asked about the appeal process ....loser ..
SPs will never go away, they use children to exact their revenge because they were 'dumped'.
So try and stay sane (he accused me of child abuse and then in the next breath said I 'cossetted' the children too much). This from someone who he got current wife to send an email to his own children stating 'your father never wants to see or hear from you again, good luck'. This 'thing' is supposedly a mother!!
Justice and the court system does sometimes work!
Me happy, children happy SP up to his neck in debt and before anyone feels sorry for him he claimed to have spent 60k on his wedding due to the current wife's family being dysfunctional and a further 45k on a car due to his 'frame' (fat) and that at his wedding the current wife's family demanded 22.5k rent from him ..lie, lie, lie ..financially reckless.
Do sociopaths spend money on rubbish to feed their narcissism? He spent £201k in 13 months and appears to have nothing to show for it, apart from a financed car!!
SPs are not always as clever as they think they are and I have battled through the courts for 18 months and on Monday received the judgement. The SP owes £45k and he has to pay, child maintenance for 1 child has been increased (icing) and we are back to have a chat about my costs and how he is going to pay ..he has the money. Should be an interesting hearing ..he already asked the judge 'what is the appeal process'.
He has all the normal SP straits, path lying, thieving (me and HMRC ..VAT fraud ..tax evasion ..they will be catching up with him soon). During the process I froze his bank account (SPs don't like surprises), sent bailiffs into current wife's house (picked up on internet), unpleasant individual but he has already got her remortgaging. Current wife (his words) assaulted bailiffs police called and the bailiffs after 3 hours extracted £5k out of mother in law ..no sign of the SP.
Best thing is keep them away from the children, mine are straight A* students one off to university to read physics the other wants to do classics. Jealousy pored out of everyone of its orifices ..can't bear to see us happy. Now claims to being separated (bs), living in a tiny rented room (more bs) ...my heart bleeds.
He spent 60k on his wedding says current wife's family dysfunctional, and they demanded at his wedding £22.5k in rental arrears, to cheer hismelf up he bought a car for 45k ..needed it for work. Claims I managed to get him the sack (delusional) ..etc etc etc ..everyone else's fault.
I was litigant in person and while cross examining this SP, I thought what an ugly, piggy eyed, trebled chinned, badly dyed hair, yellow teethed narcissus t*sser you are and always will be.
Draining it can be, but if you channel your anger into doing everything legally and just keep at it ..just sometimes justice can be served. The judge saw right through him and his path lying and fairy stories under oath.
Don't ever have any direct contact with them, or any of the dregs they pick up on the way. The current wife got convicted of harassment, no sign of SP on that day either.
What goes around, comes around and look after your children!!!
To DD: I know how hard it can be "wake up" a victim of a SP. The problem is the victim is caught up in such a "crazy" world, that they no longer know what a normal life is. That "crazy" becomes their "norm." Just read some (if not most) of the posts on this site. Victims talking about emotional, physical abuse, drug abuse, etc. It seems so accepted and they don't know if they should leave or not. Sure, they want it to stop, but are willing to ride it out until the SP straightens up. If they had a friend in this situation, I'm sure they would not only be urging their friend to leave, but packing their stuff for them as they do it. They simply cannot do it for themselves because the SP can spin stories, lie and convince the victim that no one knows better than that SP.
The first hurdle you have to get thru is getting back in contact with your son. My situation wasn't that difficult as I had to convince a female family member. I had everyone cut off financial support and in the true nature of a female, she called to cry and vent on my shoulder about how her husband was not paying the bills, etc. That got the conversations started with us. But even then, I had to wait a full 8 months before I broached the subject of her husband being a SP. It is very difficult for people to understand SP's exist. How can someone who has no concious exist? Think about it. It's mind blowing and very hard to comprehend and appreciate how non-human that is.
I'm not sure cutting off financial support to a male would work. (Although, I do think you need to make sure no one in your family or friends is giving your son money. It doesn't sound like you are but just in case, that's my suggestion) Perhaps the grandmother can be some help in establishing contact. Think of a weakness your son may have for something or someone in the family. Normally, men like to come to the rescue. Perhaps you can "create" a problem and seek your son's advice or help for it. I know sounds crazy but you need to get back to communicating.
If you do, do not talk bad about his girlfriend, her family, life, etc. Speak positively about anything and everything. This may take months til he's comfortable with you and "she devil" is comfortable with him being around you. If he complains about her, ask him what he thinks about that. Does he talk their differences out with her? DO NOT JUDGE! Simply put, you are trying to get him to think for himself. You are trying to get him to come to the realization that this is not love. Please remember a victim of a SP has accepted being controlled and manipulated. If you come on strong and heavy, all you are doing is replacing the SP. And normal people are not good at playing SP games. The SP will win and you will never see your son (or possibble grandchildren) again. I asked a lot of questions! Such as "why would he do that? What do you think he was doing? Does this make sense to you? I've just never known someone to react or do something like that. Did that hurt your feelings? Mine would be hurt also."
And most importantly, ask and sympathize in a non-judgemental, out of curiousity tone of voice. Never show hatred or contempt or bossiness in your tone.
You've got a long road to hoe. Good Luck. I can tell you it worked for me for the victim I know and love left her husband a year ago. She has her self esteem back (Oh yeah, I constantly praised her & told her how smart she was. Her lack of self esteem was terrible. She could not make a decision to save her life.) She has filed for divorce, (that's another awful chapter but she is holding her own and God Bless her, fighting back) And most importantly, has reconnected with her family. And even more important: She is Happy!
(Zem)Hi,
I've posted a few time on here in the past. As I'm subscribed to this blog, I see the same pain and destruction that your average SP dishes out. It's just dreadful and I feel for you all. It's been 2 years since, I confronted my little bed bug and discovered the immensity of her false treacherous persona.
Sometimes, you kid yourself that you've gotten over the attachment of the paradox of that charming person you trusted. But then it all comes rushing back when you read the things that are posted on here.
The only really way to get through the emotional carnage of what a SP does to you, is realise that as a person, you will have become much stronger from your exposure to them. It may not seem so at first, but over time you'll realise this to be true. For example, I'm much more savy and open eyed to a BPD, Narcissists and SP behaviour, and minimise my contact with anyone who displays those classic traits i.e. pity plays, control, flattery etc Can spot it from a mile away.
In a away, SP's are very predictable, they only have one way of operating and possess no real insight or creativity. In fact, once I saw this, this was the way I successfully made her return the money she defrauded from me. BTW, SP's may make out they are fearless, but they hide a very deep fear of exposure.This is a weakness you all should use to keep them away from you. The other thing, is I find their behaviour is sometimes very funny, not what they do to people, but the way they hide what they've done or the lies the employ. For example, my SP told me she was having radiotherapy for her brain tumour. When I questioned why none of her had fallen out, she loaded it back onto me that she used as special cap to stop it (freezes the follicles). Now this cap actually does work, but I knew she was lying at this point and subsequently found out that they are only ever used with chemotherapy. Sicko.
So when will it end? I am still bitter, but much less so these days. It still pisses me off though that in some ways she has still got off Scott free and is still conning and manipulating her colleagues, friends and family, probably causing immense emotional damage.
I have found that having personal goals have helped me overcome the majority of this underlying bitterness. I'm writing a novel, that will use my little story as a basis to the effects of such relationships and provide help for people in similar situations.
The best cure of all, to get over the effects of that false person, is to find someone to love. Re-ignite your care, compassion and humanity, and give it to someone who will appreciate it, cherish it and return it back to you.
Good and luck wishes to all that have posted on here.
*iam living with a psychopath and so is dad* sybling rivery for me. i have been the choosen one my brother Kevin abuses mentally/physically daily for years. my dad is OverPower/Blinded/ consumed by Kevins manipulation/lies about me and takes money from dad and has no job at 47 yrs old. dad had triple by pass. if you ask me, it was brought on by stress and Kevin the psyhco. I have nowhere to go but live with both of them. I'm disabled and need feedback.
To Kevin's sibling: You may try contacting adult protective services and seek their advise. No one should have to live with an abuser. The next time Kevin physically abuses you, call the police and press charges. Do not let anyone persuade you into dropping those charges. If possible, look for housing aide and try to move out. Social services in your county may be able to direct you to available services and give you assistance. Having a police report indicating that you live in an unsafe environment would be very good evidence to have. I know it's hard, but you have to help yourself and reach out. Others are not going to do it for you. Don't give up and be patient. This could be a long process. Good Luck!
I believe a "friend" of mine is a sociopath and she has a husband and two children. This friend has been extremely charming to my family and has been very abusive to her children. I found out through a very reliable source that this person has outright lied to my family over the 8 or so years I have known her. I am fine with getting this person out of my life but I am very concerned about the children. I have anonymously called Child Protective Services before because I was concerned about the children being in imminent danger, but I now know that that might have made things even worse and it sickens me. This "friend" doesn't know what I now know about her and I have been careful not to let her know, because I don't think anything could be resolved if I did confront her. This person is married to a very passive man who sits idly by as she abuses her children. I would like advice as to what I could possibly do to help these kids without bringing on more pain to them or to my own family.
I think we should put all sociopaths on an island and let them f**k each other over!
He is a sociopath, I am now convinved.
I think I signed my death warrant when told him no matter what iI would never give up on him. But now, i will heed to all your advice and cut him off completely!
I must confess that it seem hard and imp[ossible at time, as i sometimes feel he is the only one I ever loved or knows me well but that is all a lie, he is never interested in me except that all the info he gets on me is to use when he can to hurt me verbally
he is married now, so am I , yet he was able to so control my mind to hating my husband completely and be emotionally loyal to him. He drops me or washed his hands off every part of me and says constantly that he never forced me into any decisions. In fact he stresses this so much that it is obvious he doesnt love me but uses me when he is bored.
i will wash off completely off him and God help for I will!
Its a huge relief to understand my sister is a sociopath. Thank you for this article. I always felt guilty for being scared of her but now I know it was smart to be scared. She was always passively competitive but you could feel her smoldering under the surface. She was rarely kind, and then only when she gained something. But she was always subtle, sneaky, and yet highly functional in society so that friends would meet her and say how nice she was. Recently I worked with special needs kids and I was trained to be neutral around crazy behavior. I did this with my sister, she stopped gaining anything from me, stopped getting reactions from me, and cut me off from her life. Sometimes I feel guilty about not keeping in touch, then I remind myself that its not normal to wonder in the back of my mind if my sister might stalk or harass me. Now I know I'm better off and its a huge relief.
I have a family member - a sister, who is a sociopath. I was vunerable because of a bad divorce; I went home to help her because she had an operation; she took my money by deceit; slandered me; completed false police reports; and then tried to get everyone to agree to her perspective. Her husband is a felon and goes along with her. She is a Texas LPC Counsellor and hides behind her lies. She has no ethics, no morals and yet she works with children under the guise of being moral. I trusted her. I will walk away from her because she can justify everything and screams. She has l friend - her entire life. They feed off each other. I am one of the lucky ones - I know I am good, honest and a happy person. She tried projecting her inadequacies on me and even tried to blame me for her own marriage - which is volatile because she is the emulating bully. She even contacted my boyfriend lying about me and tried to tell him everyting I was not. He saw through her and her acts. He witnessed her mood swings and bullying. He was not fooled. For once I had someone who saw things from my perspective - not my sister's maladjusted interpretation of her actions and justification to suit her own ends. She is narcissistic and selfish and only cares about herself (vain), her beauty and her body contouring. I feel only pity for her. I have learned that people like that are emotional vampires - they think they are above the law and they try and get away with everything. She feels that she will never be ill, never face any personal trials...but like everyone else - life throws a stunner once in awhile. Not even she is exempt. And - every dog has its day. Excuses will be no good. Even if it is a family member, walk away. I had to. From this point onwards - she is dead. I can not trust her and I have the choice to have her in my life. In the end - someone like this will destroy themselves, the people who love them and everything around them. And if they do this once, they will do it many times. They will practice on their family and then expand to everyone else they meet. Trust your intuition. I ignored the red flags and paid the price. I am 47 years old - and walking away at this point in my life - will keep me happy. I will probably lose all my sibblings because of this - but my health and mind come first and I have no intention of living a life filled with greed, deceit, lying, dishonesty and false promises - all too common when those who are family mob together to support the sociopath. I am lucky. I am educated and know what's around the corner.
To the March 9 poster, YOU ARE SO WISE! Walking away from your sister is the best (and only) thing you can do. Your siblings may be against it at first and not understand, but when your sister turns on one of them, (and she will) it will all come out. She needs the control and manipulation and when you stop playing her game, she's going to have to find someone to replace you.
Also I forgot to mention she tries to exclude me out of all functions at my parents by mAking sneaky small lies that later she disproves by talking out if it
She also has no freinds and blames everyone she meets as jealous of her or trying to ruin her
Is she a sociology path????
Please help I'm really getting depressed
Rosie
HI... I've been involved with a guy for the last 10 years who I often thought was delusional, bipolar, or a drug addict. During my relationship with him, we had an incredible chemistry, in every way although he was hesitant about integrating his family (lived with his grandmother) 8 years out of our relationship..just in the last 6 months moved out on his own around the corner from his grandmothers. He was always trying ot alienate me from my social enviroment. (worked in a very social industry as he does as well)He was hesitant about bringing me around his family and friends and said "I don't want you to get the wrong idea about me" He would always turn stories around and some of the stories he would tell me "i.e. I'm from a different planet, I'm 800 years old, my family isn't really my family etc. It went on for 3 months. He isolated me and always commented he was the only person I could trust, and would become insanely suspicious of cheating etc. He would also try to keep me up all night when I had to work early in the morning, never thinking 2x about it. He has made plans, and then at the last minute change them. My sister was dying and when running late bc she was in intensive care he started screaming at me about how long he was waiting. I have always challenged him on all of his bizarre behavior, and he feels "this is all my doing" really sick stuff. I recently uncovered texting with another woman, nothing sexual, but calling her "babe" almost sounding like a completely different person. When confronted, he started crying "Please don't leave me, it's a misunderstanding" I do not trust him, and some of his other stories.(very sick and dangerous) have always been a continuous question whether any of this stuff is true. I loved this guy and still have deep feelings for him but had to viciously kick him out of my life because of "no clarity" about so many things. I'm devasted because not only have I lost my father, sister, this relationship, but my job (executive position) He has not reached out and it is amazing to me that the devastion I feel is something that I've never encountered. Is he sociopathic? The stories were so delusional, I'm just not sure what happend. He comes in and out of my life every few months. I've not heard from him and the whole experience is mind blowing.. so much more but it gives an overview to some degree.. Thanks E
I have read your article and find it very disturbing that you refer to the sociopath as "HE". I am a 61 year old male and I have dealt with several women who were sociopaths over the years. Unfortunately,my experiences go way back to my childhood years. I have also had to deal with sociopaths of the male gender. So, It isn't always a "HE". I have had some real bad experiences with men sociopaths but, I have been stabbed, shot at and driven over the brink by women many times. They are much more dangerous in my opinion. Michael Blaisdell
Bethel,Maine
207-357-2616
I have been married for 30 years soon. I have been separated for almost one. I intended to be married for life. I am off the charts when it comes to caring for others, especially those that are sick or dying (hospice). It took me this long to figure out that our loveless relationship was not coincidental. I read "The Sociopath Next Door." It fit. Too well.
I was played a fool for many years. I did his last load of laundry, vacuumed the house and emptied the dishwasher while he watched t.v. from the recliner the night before I moved out. He's always prided himself on having no emotions, made fun of me for running to my son's side every time he had a suicidal bout after his wife left him and he called me (mom) to sit with him and talk him through things. My husband sat in his chair and said, "if you need anything, let me know" after I'd get a phone call. Our son was 27 at the time. The last piece of my heart fell to the floor and crumbled after our son's first attempt for which he was hospitalized. My husband said to me, "if that's how he chooses to end his life, "I'll cry you'll cry and life will go on." I heard the pieces of my heart shatter when they hit the floor. He went back to working on the computer, I went to bed and cried silently because I felt my son's first movement, I was not about to bury him. For me, suicide was not to be dealt with alone.
Now, we're (my husband and myself) in divorce purgatory. He MUST win and he MUST be right. I just want to be free and get my fair shake. It's a game and a great competition to him.
He has our two grown children in his back pocket where he keeps cash, I have lint in mine, but I'm OUT and with one foot in front of the other, moving forward, day by day. I long for and miss our kids, but they see me as the villain since I'm the one that left the house. I agreed to since he insisted on keeping it and I could not afford the upkeep.
My father was physically (not sexually) abusive as I grew up. I married my husband whom I met in college because he was everything I wasn't . . . confident and sure of himself. For years I prayed he'd love me, then I finally started praying for his success since that's what drives him and motivates him.
When I served him with divorce papers, he said, "oh, I've been served. . .I guess I better go read these." He went downstairs, sat in his recliner, read the papers and turned on the t.v. and started laughing at a late night comedian. I sat in a chair upstairs for an hour and a half and cried thinking he just MIGHT want to talk about it and not lose his wife of 29 years. Nope.
Days after, I told him we needed to call the kids over and tell them as they are adults. He said, "I'm more inclined to let the chips fall where they may." Unbelievable? Not to me. So eventually, he called and told them over the phone at my insistence since he was going out of town and I feared two angry young adults screaming at me while he was gone. I don't know what he said. My biggest mistake.
Because, they will not talk to me unless it's mean spirited and insist there be a third party present-I reminded them I am their mother, not their peer, they have stuck to their conditions, I have stuck to mine, I will no longer be controlled.
I am a survivor.
Hi Kim! it was long ago you posted here the comments, i just found the site, I do not know, if you can read this. I am going through the same thing. My ex is total control freak-sociopath.We only lived together for two months, and now after 10 yers still can not get rid off her, because we have a kid with her and I love my child very much.She stole my money, she accusing me of beating her, she told me: if you want to see your son you will pay alimony and buy me a house and pay my insurance and get me life insurance and etc. I could not afford that. So she took me through hell, but I won. The abuse charges were dismissed as false, she got only child support ( lots of nothing in her eyes as her intent was to have a child with rich man and live off from it ( so that why she left me in two months as soon she find out that my dad will not support us). and i got unsupervised visitations every week and one months in summer. She got crazy and after all these court deals were finished, she reported me to CPS The CPS invistigated and the case was UNFOUNDED, IT DID NOT HELP , STILL SHE TOOK ME TO COURT,I HAD TO HAVE SUPERVISED VISITATIONS WITH MY SON AND AND THE END AFTER SPENDING LOTS OF MONEY ( STILL IN DEBTS TO LAWYERS)THE CASE WAS DISMISSED AS TOTALLY UNFOUNDED AND FALSE,I GOT MY UNSUPERVISED VISITATIONS, WHEN ALL THESE THINGS HAPPNED MY CHILD WAS 3 YEARS OLD. SO WHEN HE WAS OLDER, HE ASK HIS MOTHER ABOUT THIS ALLEGATONS SHE MADE AGAINST ME, AND THE MOTHER TOLD TO HIM : IT IS YOUR FAULT YOU TOLD ME THAT YOUR DAD DID THIS TO YOU WHAT SHOULD I DO? MY SON CAME DEAVASTED AND TOLD TO ME : IT ALL MY FAULT!
CAN YOU BEILIVE IN THIS? WHEN I HAVE TONNS OF PAPERS FROM SOCIAL WORKERS AND DOCTORS WHO WROTE TO COURT THAT CHILD SAID IT WAS MY MOM WHO TOLD THIS, MY DAD DID NOT DO ANYTHING!ONLY USED TO COME IN REGULAR VISTS TO DO SHOPPING AND TELL ME SOMETING LIKE YOU ARE NOT MY DAD, HE NEVER EVER CALL ME DAD, UNTIL NOW. BUT NOW HE IS GETTING OLDER SO HE IS MORE CLOSED TO ME, AND IT IS PISSED HER OFF, SHE WENT TO COURT AGAIN FOR SOLE CUSTODY IN THE MOTION SHE WROTE THAT " MY SON HATES HIS DAD AS HE ABUSED HIM WHEN HE WAS A CHILD"???!!!! I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO ELSE, SHE JUST GETS AWAY WITH EVERYTNING AND HER FAMILY IS VERY AGGRESSIVE SO SEEMS EVEYBODY IN THIS SMALL TOWM AFRAID OF THEM!MY SON CALLS ME, VISITS ME WE LOVE EACH OTHER SO THAT THE ONLY POSITIVE THING.
I have a sociopathic neighbor, who I could only describe as evil She has our small community obeying her like drones. At first her "friend" - I quickly turned to her #1 target when I did not go join in with her and she became quite envious of me and my acheivements. I found her laughable until she decided to get to me through my daughter. Our children had been gd friends and classmates. Suddenly, all the school girls began to isolate and bully my daughter. I confronted the woman, b4 realizing that she was a sociopath, to try and reason with her. Of course, there was no reasoning and it took me a while and a lot of mental agony to get my head around this. I felt the community was turned on me as they readily believed whatever lies she spread. I am growing in myself now and do not care about their small minded opinions - I just hope I can pass this strength on to my daughter. She has invited my daughter to her daughters birthday party, I've allow my daughter to make up her own mind and she wants to go - is this a big mistake. I do not speak to the woman and avoid her at all costs.
Rise Above,
I would say, based on what little information you gave, that yes, it is a mistake to give your daughter the choice. You and your family should have no contact with her and her family at all. But you and your daughter should make sure you connect with others in your community, using the principles from The Trouble With Troublemakers. I wish you the very best of luck.
I am a Sociopath and a Father to 7 kids with 7 different baby mommas.
Your work and writings have helped the mothers of my children come to terms with what and who I am.
For that I guess I thank you.
Its easier to live in my life knowing they have better grasp of what I am and do.
Your work on the subject has made a none functional common sociopath, into one that looks like one. I now can fit in better than ever before and get closer to my goals.
Cause lets face it, we sociopaths need you normals way more then you need us. But That Doesn't Make Us Go Away. It just makes it harder to be close enough or inside enough to get the tasks and info I need to get my goals done. The more though however you teach the normals to avoid us, the more you teach us to not be avoided.
If I wanted to win at book writing I would write my stories from the point of view of my kind of sociopath.
However only thing I wish to win at the moment is, t11 gear complete for raid reasons.
For now till it becomes boring I will remain harmless to all in my life to most part. Mainly since haven't many in my life anymore.
All I can say is wow! well my daughters step mother is clearly a sociopath! she has been harassing me and my daughter who is now 14 for 7 years. My daughters father claims he can't stop the harassment. I have moved twice had restraining orders on her and nothing helps. She has flipped it around and is trying to take me to court saying I harass her! She purposely deletes my childs FB accounts, Yahoo email accounts. She has done so much to me and my family yet the law don't protect us. She doesn't have a stable home. Her child was taken away at 3 1/2 months with 14 broken bones from head to toe. The police say that they couldn't prove what parent did it so they just had the parents give up their parental rights. She gets away with EVERYTHING! I just want to be left alone! She has my ex she had 2 more children with him. I fully support my daughter so what is her problem?
I lived in Orange County (now in San Diego County), California and I have a 33 month old daughter with my ex. We were unmarried but tried living together several different times. Bottom line, he is no doubt, a sociopath. We are now involved in the 2nd round of custody battles, after I went back to him, the first time (he claimed he had given his life to God, etc.) Because he throws so many smokescreens at the courts, I requested a full 730 psych evaluation in hopes that either the evaluator or the written psych tests would provide the proof that I've needed, in order to protect my daughter.
Does anyone have any other suggestions for helping me to get the courts to see what he is and how he hurts my daughter emotionslly? He's fooled the police, CPS (when a 3rd party called them to investigate), counselors, judges, etc.
I already have 2 different restraining orders on him, but when I was manipulated into going back with him, I gave him more custody, than the courts had given him, originally. Now I'm kicking myself, as he constantly curses me out and disrespects me in front of my daughter, each time I have to make the visitation exchange. It doesn't matter what he does or says to me, since I finally figured out that he is a sociopath, but when he does these things in front of my little girl, the look on her face breaks my heart. He'll even torture her by not letting her sleep, so that he can leave voice messages of her screaming in the backgroud, telling me its my fault.
I need to get her away from him, or he will destroy her life by slowly removing her self esteem, just as he did to his 21 year old daughter, who eventually started practicing prostitution and has been involved with drugs and addiction for years.
Anyone have any suggestions to help me protect the most precious thing I could have ever imagined in my life, my dauther.......????????
thank you,
T
My 28 year old beautiful daughter is in a relationship with a Sociopath. She has left him several times in the 3 and a half year relationship. She even had the police helping her and has gone back AGAIN because Tad never lets up his pursuit of her...There is too much to tell about all the things that have been done by him...I can't believe she went back this time and now I'm really worried about her...I've read a lot of info such as this and I also see that she fits the profile for BWS, Battered Women's Syndrome. Now that she went back many of her friends and family say things and make comments on her Facebook that Tad has read and fires back his BS to them..
I am at my wits end. She stays away form me because she "doesn't want to hear it".. We used to be very close. He is not as physically abusive as before since he was charged last year and I think he doesn't want more records against him..btw, the charges were dropped because he forced my daughter to talk to the DA's office and lessen the charges. She is just on a downward slid now with her self esteem and depressed and drinks a lot to numb herself, which of course does not work..I'm most worried that she might get pregnant.
I want to know what I should do? What should her older sister with 2 kids do? What should our friends do? Every one's telling her they are worried...I know that Tad is loving that he has "won" over everyone else...
For all Those who are wondering how to convince others, (family, court, CPS, etc) that the person is a SP. You have to document dates and times when an SP acts out. Try to communicate thru email and texts whenever possible. I would always have a tape recorder on during phone calls or the video on cell phone switched on. Cameras will also run video. You might not get to aim the camera or cell at them, but you will pick up the audio. In some states it is illegal to tape phone calls w/o the person's knowledge so check to make sure. But always document everything w/dates and times. Keep a journal of all contact with them because you never know when something is going to come up that relates to a prior contact. If your cell only holds a certain amount of texts, place your cell phone on a printer and copy the texts directly from the cell. You may also forward texts directly to your email. Having witnesses are always good also.
I have been a victim of a sociopath, and only just realized a few months ago, just what she is.
About three years ago, a female co-worker began showing an interest in my husband’s running. He also worked with me. Eventually, her and her husband began doing races with mine, and they would work out together in the mornings. This woman started befriending me too, and we got really close.
I noticed that she and my husband were spending a lot of time together, but nothing seemed fishy. They were very public with their friendship, and since her husband was involved, I felt no need to worry.
Almost a year into their “friendship”, I started getting weird feelings. Her husband stopped coming to races. Family lunch after the races with her and my husbands’ family (who also ran) started to feel like I was the outsider and she was his wife. I noticed her watching him closely when he interacted with her 13 year old daughter. Ultimately, I started to feel like she was interested in him, and I had heard through the grapevine that she had cheated a few years back.I hadn't worried though because I didn’t sense that the feeling was reciprocal from him, and she badmouthed her boss for cheating.
When he left me (two years ago in June) she left her husband that same night. They moved in together a week and a half later.
I met with her husband to compare stories, and found out that she admitted a 6 month affair, after she thought I had found out. Her husband and I really bonded through this experience, and fell completely in love-and are now married. I am happier than I’ve ever been, but because I’m with him-I can’t get rid of her or my ex, as if working with them isn’t bad enough. (My ex has since FINALLY found another job).
Looking back now, and stumbling across descriptions of sociopaths, I clearly see that she is, and so was my ex, to an extent. Neither of them felt true remorse for their behavior. Of course they cried and said they were sorry, but both felt justified in their behavior.
Even though she hurt me and her ex, she convinced herself and my ex and his whole family that somehow she is the victim in all this. In fact, she has his family so wrapped and duped that even though they were MY family for 14 years, they completely cut me off and fully embraced her IMMEDIATELY, as though I never existed. And because sociopaths work in stealth mode, I can never see her operating, and therefore defend myself. As a classic sociopath trait, she has numerous times tried to convince me that she was justified in her behavior by citing neglect on the part of her husband. I of course let her know that I didn’t accept that as an excuse since my husband had been spending four hours with her exercising every day, and I wasn’t cheating. Of course-that was four hours away from her husband too-who had to stop running because of knee injuries. She won’t rest until I tell her that was she did was okay. Sociopaths need willing victims.
I can’t believe that I was friends with her nearly a year, and never saw this other side of her. When she is called out-she turns into a wild animal. She lies so easily. As long as you believe her lies, she will continue to flatter you and make you feel comfortable, but the moment you don’t, she turns on you.
Other sociopath traits she appears to have:
Numerous affairs over the years on her first and second husbands. It’s amazing what people tell you after the relationship is over.
Seemingly hating her ex more than she loves her children…putting them in positions of “choosing” often
An extreme sense of entitlement, and belief that she is better than everybody else.
She is ALWAYS smiling/laughing AND complimenting.
Her relationship with her own family is extremely strained and distant
Part 2:
Unfortunately because of the circumstances, especially with a child involved, I feel so stuck. I can’t do anything to defend or retaliate. Anything that me or my husband say gets twisted and told to the child-because the sociopath thrives off sympathy-guilt-and manipulation. Most of the time she does things in the shadows where no one else can see, but I have a glimmer of hope...she messed up this week.
The two exes got married the weekend before last. She decided to submit their "love story" to a regional newspaper, where they rewrote history and failed to mention they were both married and played wrecking ball to many lives. The paper published it!! They even got in a personal dig about me and my husband without being obvious. Well, there are a few people who have given both of them the benefit of the doubt until now. They clearly see that the article was way out of line. Maybe they are becoming so overly confident that it's finally catching up. Let's hope.
Loneliness of the Catcher part 1
Reading the article and the comments, I have the impressed that I have more than once been the role of lonely catcher. Nobody likes to believe somebody can be all bad, so it must indeed by partly my fault. The most recent case, I'm not sure about. Something is wrong with the guy for sure, perhaps sp is an exaggeration. Others involved would think I was crazy if I said it.
He is the director of a play I used to be in, Arsenic and Old Lace at a low enough amateur level that I was able to get the lead female role in spite of very little acting experience.
A couple of months ago we did a reading of it, reading random parts independent of gender. In the first act I read Mortimer, the lead male character who is panic struck when he finds out that his seemingly dear sweet aunts have been poisoning lonely old gentleman in their minds as an act of mercy. For a read through, I think I did a pretty good job of it. It's a kind of character I can identify with, this feeling of being in a crazy world, and yet others around you being totally calm and looking at you like you are the crazy one. Then I read Jonathan in the second act. Jonathon is a psychotic serial killer, and it took real concentration to make the shift. The later director of the play was seemingly quite impressed with my portrayal, although I think partly it was just that I had seem the movie recently and was just doing a good Raymond Massy immitation. He joked about worrying about how well I got into the part. Perhaps this was totally innocent teasing, but there is a part of me that sees now in view of what I later found about him to be significant. Was he scared/attracted to me because of this, finding one of his own kind?
A few weeks later we had auditions. With only very big roles in my age range, I did my best, but saw it mostly as audition practice. I would have been content to have been involved in another way. I thought if I was really luck I might get the part of Martha, the less talkative of the two aunts. I was surprised, delighted, but a bit scared of the responsibility when I got the role of Abby, especially when finding a longer time member of the group and much more experienced actor got the role of Martha. I perhaps somewhat stupidly thought it was because the director had talent. I suspect now that it had an element of newebie hazing in it.
He wasn't a very good director. He didn't really do a lot except enjoy it as a power position. He would run through a section saying we were just concentrating on blocking, but really you had to get everything else right as well, and you would make fun of you if you didn't. In particular he got into this control game with me trying to make me feel inadequate for not making enough eye contact with people. He'd make me practice staring him in the eye, and made me go over and over a part where I was supposed to, on one hand be terrified of Jonathan, but on the other hand stare him straight in the eye.
When i got home after this rehearsal, I had this image of his eyeball staring at me, and a kind of feeling that it was he that identified with th Jonathon character entirely too well. There was something creepy in that stare. That was when I started doing Internet searches to find out if there were mild psychopaths and eventually ran across this page.
Loneliness of the Catcher part 2
There were earlier things that sort of got me suspicious too. His attitude toward drama seemed to almost entirely about making fun of the various personalities. At first I thought, perhaps he's just immature, trying to look cool to the young university types who like to think of themselves as superior to ordinary people, like the policeman who thinks he can write.
Then there was this attitude he had that with the honor of getting such a role, I was obligated to be totally committed and give up all aspects of my life except for my work and the play. He seemed to be annoyed that I even asked about getting a schedule quickly so that I could decided about whether I could go on a trip my husband wanted to take on the weekend. In the end the schedule was such that I had to attend every rehearsal in spite of the fact there were enough parts that the aunts were not in for him to have given us some time off. At one rehearsal I tried to suggest a very tiny modification to his schedule to allow me to run the last race in a cross country series where would have almost certainly been second in my age group if I showed up, but due to the scoring system could have been bumped into third if I didn't show up. He had actually scheduled it so that I probably wouldn't have been needed until 4, which I could have made, but he told me I had to be there by 3, sort of in case he needed me earlier than expected, but also simply as way a demanding me show the kind of dedication that he demanded of us. This really annoyed me, not do much because the cross country race was that important to me as for the unnecessary power play game that he was playing. At the time I gave him the inexperienced director benefit of doubt. He's just insecure and doing this in front of others to show his authority. As one who is a bit older, I should set an example to the younger ones, so I said I would comply. It bothered me, though. I thought his insensitivity was just careless, and if I reminded him of the consequences of his action and appealed to his conscience, I might get somewhere. So I wrote him a very polite email saying that he was the director and had right to be hard about this, but did he really want to be responsible me losing my position in the cross country series, particularly when I would most likely just be sitting and waiting during the time.
He never even responded to that email, but later did say to all of us that he was going to send us a revised schedule to take into account further things people have told him about their schedules, so I then had hopes that he would change the schedule the way I suggested in the email to courteously allow me to go to the cross country race.
After about 5 rehearsals I am feeling somewhat conflicted about whether i want to stay in a play with a director like this. But I see it as a good opportunity as something to put on my amateur dramatic CV, so I think, what I need to do is work on ways to no need him as soon as possible. If I can learn my lines as soon as possible, then I can better concentrate to do a good job of the part in spite of him. He's not going to be directing during the performance, at least. So I gave some thought to it, and came up with a way to learn my lines reasonably quickly. I'm not naturally good at memorizing, so it was still a lot of work. I had just about got down the lines at least for the sections we were to be rehearsing at the next rehearsal, when the phone rang.
Loneliness of the Catcher part 3
It was the director and he had some bad news for me. I initially thought it was about the schedule and that he was not going to be able to accommodate my cross country, or something else control freak like. When he said it was that I was out of the play, I was initially kind of relieved. I probably even acted more relieved than I really was, because I think at some level he wanted me to be hurt by it. His reasons for it did bother me. He was effectively telling me I was out because I was stupid, difficulty following directions. I'm not sure all of what I said, I'm sure it was not all nice. I probably said something about that it might haver something to do with the way you give the directions.
After I hung up the phone, on one hand I was relieved not to have to deal with him anymore, but on the other hand was left in somewhat of a vacuum. There was no regard given for the amount I had already invested in the effort, no warning, no attempt to work things out. Just this sense of use you and dump you. I wrote him one email telling him, that although I wasn't going to plead to get the part back, he should know for future purposes this is not the way to do it. He, of course didn't respond to the email. I later called him on the phone, missed him a couple of times, but when I got him on the phone it was very brief, just asking one question, why did he cast me for the part in the first place. He essentially told me I was the only one at the audition at all suitable. So I'm thinking, what's happened now? He's found somebody better who wasn't at the audition. I am shocked that he doesn't know this isn't done in amateur theatre. At least you don't take on somebody you are not happy with, planning to dump them when you find somebody better and at the same time require them to dedicate their whole life to the play.
This last weekend my husband was away on a trip without me that he had planned at that time because he new I would be busy at rehearsal. By the time I knew I was out of the play there wasn't time to book a flight, so suddenly I was alone with nothing to do and let my curiosity get the best of me. I wanted to find out how it was going without me, who was my replacement, in general what was really behind it. I used the excuse of returning the script. Also if it was just about concern for me being able to do the part, perhaps he would have cooled down enough to see the error of his ways, and apologize. I guess in part I wanted make sure I wasn't making rash judgments about him, and the club as a whole.
Then it happened. He started telling me out, perfectly control victim acting. He spoke to me as if I had been kicked out of the play, not just for what he told me on the phone of being a bit slow to catch onto direction, but as if I was some kind of criminal. He said how dare I show my face there and then accused me of harassing him with emails and telephone calls. Threatened to get a police injunction against me if I didn't leave immediately or sent him any further email. Threatened that they have tough laws against stalkers in this country, so I'd better be afraid. It was the kind of performance to make me hate the craft of acting. If that is the kind of person that goes into acting, I want no part of it.
What was disturbing to me, though, more than his behavior was that of the other member of the cast in the room. They seemed to believe him. They just watched and nobody defended me. I talked to one of the smarter ones who actually wasn't there at the time, because he came later, and he said people will decide for themselves "which of us was most at fault", going generally with the "it takes two to tangle" logic. I was tempted at the time I was there to say something like, what about the strong libel laws, I could see I had been right that it was him with the problem, not me, so I didn't want to waste any more.
Loneliness of the Catcher part 4
On one hand, this is no big deal. Unlike some of you here, I didn't marry him or let him take advantage of me in any serious way. If he is a sociopath at all, I think what happened was that he figured out he couldn't get to me, so dumped me. I can imagine what people are going through who were really properly conned by somebody like this, because for me just knowing that there are people like this that can act nice to you, but then turn around and say such lies like this leads me to look at the world with less trust. I read these comments with a sense of not knowing if there is any truth to anything anybody says. I was once influenced by Carl Rogers to believe that deep inside everybody just wants to grow, and people do bad things because this is frustrated. Meeting this guy and reading this stuff is kind of a blow to my world view. Who can you trust?
But getting back to the original theme of the post, it wouldn't be so bad to deal with a few sociopaths in the world if there weren't so many people who in effect colluded with them by being fooled and blaming the victim. Now that I'm thinking about it, it seems that I have been in other situations with people like this where my problem was not so much being taken by them, but catching them earlier than other people did, and losing friends because of it.
Any advice on this
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