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Featured Comment
"I have been married for twenty years to a man who lies, shows no emotion, had no interest in his children etc. I knew something was very wrong with him but could not put my finger on it, or knew there was a name for it. I found out he has been having sex with prostitutes and a lot of them for most if not all of our marriage. He is a Sociopath. He feels nothing for no one, is selfish, and could care less who he hurts.
"If you meet a man and he gives you clues that he might be a sociopath, run. Run like you have never run before; run like the wind and don't look back."
- April 9, 2011 2:52 AM
"If you meet a man and he gives you clues that he might be a sociopath, run. Run like you have never run before; run like the wind and don't look back."
- April 9, 2011 2:52 AM
Recommended Books:
Help For People Who Have Survived a Sociopath:
A psychotherapist who works with people surviving sociopaths has groups and individual sessions available most of the time. If her schedule is full, she will put you on a waiting list.
She was once married to a sociopath and, like so many others, had no idea until the bottom fell out of her life! She is now dedicated to supporting others who are going through this horrific experience. Email me if you have any questions for her. She would be happy to discuss anything regarding her practice or her experience.
She charges a fee, of course, but your insurance may cover it.
She was once married to a sociopath and, like so many others, had no idea until the bottom fell out of her life! She is now dedicated to supporting others who are going through this horrific experience. Email me if you have any questions for her. She would be happy to discuss anything regarding her practice or her experience.
She charges a fee, of course, but your insurance may cover it.
Support Groups:
Order of Protection Survivor:
A woman shares her story of living through the nightmare of having to file an Order of Protection against her husband while providing helpful resources for other women going through a similar scary situation: Order of Protection Survivor
Domestic Abuse Help:
If you are a victim of domestic abuse, find out what your options are.
Use this to find a local shelter in your area: United States DV Resources
Also, here's the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Use this to find a local shelter in your area: United States DV Resources
Also, here's the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Interview with Martha Stout
" . . . understanding this problem [sociopathy] creates an entire paradigm shift in the way we view human nature." - Dr. Martha Stout
Dr. Martha Stout
82 Marlborough Street
Boston, MA 02116 USA
On LivingHero.com is an interview with Dr. Martha Stout, clinical psychologist and bestselling, award-winning author on the subject of sociopathy.
For twenty-six years, she served as a Psychology Instructor in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and also taught at the Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology, Wellesley College, The New School for Social Research, and the National Institute of Mental Health. Dr. Stout has worked at Massachusetts General Hospital and McLean Psychiatric Hospital.
She is author of The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us, a National Bestseller and winner of a Books for a Better Life Award.
You may download the mp3 file for free, which will play in iTunes, RealPlayer, Windows Media Player and other media players or you may listen to it right here by clicking on the purple media player below. (The interview is about 30 minutes long.)
You can contact Martha Stout here:Dr. Martha Stout
82 Marlborough Street
Boston, MA 02116 USA
Psychopathy Awareness
An informative blog: Psychopathy Awareness.
Post Comments
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And make sure you subscribe to the comments so you know when someone answers you (you'll see a little box to click when you leave your comment).
And make sure you subscribe to the comments so you know when someone answers you (you'll see a little box to click when you leave your comment).
| + | What is a Psychopath? | |
| | This link goes to an answer from a psychopath research organization. And the link below goes to a discussion forum by the same organization. | |
| + | Topics include: Psychopath in your life | |
| | Parents - Children | |
| + | Psychopath in the Family | |
| | Parents - Siblings |
Save the World
Martha Stout said if more people knew about sociopaths there would be less war in the world. I think she's right. Consider these facts:
1. According to the famous Milgram experiments, 65 percent of people will follow the orders of an authority.
2. Sociopaths want to win. They seek control. They are excellent manipulators. They don't care who gets hurt. They don't care who lives or dies.
3. They sometimes make it to positions of power. And they cause wars.
If more people knew the characteristics of a sociopath, more people would identify them for what they are before they gain too much authority and power. A sociopath would then be less likely to ever gain significantly powerful positions.
Result: Fewer wars.
There would be less horror in the world.
The truth is, even though it is a common belief that "man is a violent species," we are not. But when a sociopath gains a position of supreme authority and they start wars, 65 percent will obey authority, and most of the rest will be fooled and manipulated into believing in supporting the cause. The result is war. And many of those who fight in them feel terrible about the whole thing. They don't want to kill. They feel they have to.
The reason sociopaths are able to get away with as much as they do is because most people are so ignorant about the topic.
Now listen: You are in a unique position to save the world. Not very many people know about such a thing as "common, everyday sociopaths." They don't know their characteristics. They don't know how to spot them.
But you do.
Share your knowledge. Share it far and wide and in every way you can. And urge everyone you know to help you spread the knowledge. This could change the course of history. It could go a long way toward real peace on earth.
1. According to the famous Milgram experiments, 65 percent of people will follow the orders of an authority.
2. Sociopaths want to win. They seek control. They are excellent manipulators. They don't care who gets hurt. They don't care who lives or dies.
3. They sometimes make it to positions of power. And they cause wars.
If more people knew the characteristics of a sociopath, more people would identify them for what they are before they gain too much authority and power. A sociopath would then be less likely to ever gain significantly powerful positions.
Result: Fewer wars.
There would be less horror in the world.
The truth is, even though it is a common belief that "man is a violent species," we are not. But when a sociopath gains a position of supreme authority and they start wars, 65 percent will obey authority, and most of the rest will be fooled and manipulated into believing in supporting the cause. The result is war. And many of those who fight in them feel terrible about the whole thing. They don't want to kill. They feel they have to.
The reason sociopaths are able to get away with as much as they do is because most people are so ignorant about the topic.
Now listen: You are in a unique position to save the world. Not very many people know about such a thing as "common, everyday sociopaths." They don't know their characteristics. They don't know how to spot them.
But you do.
Share your knowledge. Share it far and wide and in every way you can. And urge everyone you know to help you spread the knowledge. This could change the course of history. It could go a long way toward real peace on earth.
WikiHow on Sociopathy
WikiHow has several articles on sociopaths:
How to Deal With a Sociopath
How to Detect a Sociopath
How to Understand Sociopaths
How to Deal With a Sociopath
How to Detect a Sociopath
How to Understand Sociopaths
Scientific American Mind
In the September/October 2010 issue of Scientific American Mind is an article entitled, Inside the Mind of a Psychopath. Among other things, the reseachers wrote, "Aided by EEGs and brain scans, scientists have discovered that psychopaths possess significant impairments that affect their ability to feel emotions, read other people's cues and learn from their mistakes.
These deficiencies my be apparent in children who are as young as five years old.
When you tally trials, prison stays and inflicted damage, psychopaths cost us $250 billion to $400 billion a year.
The reseachers wrote:
Charming as they may seem, psychopaths can also be tone-deaf because they lack access to their own feelings and those of others. Imagine what it would be like never to be depressed or anxious, never to have regrets or low self-esteem but also never to care deeply for anyone or anything. Psychopaths' emotions are shallow: they feel irritated when they don't get their way and turn to risky behaviors for the flimsiest of reasons. Bereft of loyalties and passions, they wander through life, often straying into criminality on a whim — forgeries, thefts, assaults, even murders may be committed out of some trivial impulse. As for complex emotions such as devotion, guilt, or joy, theirs remains a textbook understanding — it has been said that they "know the words but not the music."
Dozens of studies reveal that psychopaths experience the world differently from other people. They have trouble making appropriate moral value judgments and putting the brakes on their impulses. They are also hampered in how they respond to emotions, language and distractions — a disconnect that is sometimes seen as early as age five.
Psychopaths are notable for their fearlessness: when confronted with images such as a looming attacker or a weapon aimed their way, they literally don't blink.
Chances are, you have met a psychopath. People with the disorder make up 0.5 to 1 percent of the general population. When you discount children, women (for reasons that remain a puzzle, few women are afflicted), and those who are already locked up, that translates to approximately 250,000 psychopaths living freely in the U.S.
Some researchers have estimated that as many as 500,000 psychopaths inhabit the U.S. prison system, and there may be another 250,000 more living freely — perhaps not committing serious crimes but still taking advantage of those around them.
Whatever the reasons, many psychiatrists are left with the false impression that psychopathy and antisocial personality disorder are the same. They are not. Antisocial personality disorder is a helpful diagnosis when the question is whether a person is likely to behave badly, but it does nothing to discriminate among criminals. Only one in five people with antisocial personality disorder is a psychopath.
The above was written by Kent A. Kiehl, a neuroscientist at the University of New Mexico, and Joshua W. Buckholtz, a PhD candidate in neuroscience at Vanderbilt University.
Contact them here:
Kent A. Kiehl
kkiehl@unm.edu
Joshua W. Buckholtz
joshua.buckholtz@vanderbilt.edu
These deficiencies my be apparent in children who are as young as five years old.
When you tally trials, prison stays and inflicted damage, psychopaths cost us $250 billion to $400 billion a year.
The reseachers wrote:
Charming as they may seem, psychopaths can also be tone-deaf because they lack access to their own feelings and those of others. Imagine what it would be like never to be depressed or anxious, never to have regrets or low self-esteem but also never to care deeply for anyone or anything. Psychopaths' emotions are shallow: they feel irritated when they don't get their way and turn to risky behaviors for the flimsiest of reasons. Bereft of loyalties and passions, they wander through life, often straying into criminality on a whim — forgeries, thefts, assaults, even murders may be committed out of some trivial impulse. As for complex emotions such as devotion, guilt, or joy, theirs remains a textbook understanding — it has been said that they "know the words but not the music."
Dozens of studies reveal that psychopaths experience the world differently from other people. They have trouble making appropriate moral value judgments and putting the brakes on their impulses. They are also hampered in how they respond to emotions, language and distractions — a disconnect that is sometimes seen as early as age five.
Psychopaths are notable for their fearlessness: when confronted with images such as a looming attacker or a weapon aimed their way, they literally don't blink.
Chances are, you have met a psychopath. People with the disorder make up 0.5 to 1 percent of the general population. When you discount children, women (for reasons that remain a puzzle, few women are afflicted), and those who are already locked up, that translates to approximately 250,000 psychopaths living freely in the U.S.
Some researchers have estimated that as many as 500,000 psychopaths inhabit the U.S. prison system, and there may be another 250,000 more living freely — perhaps not committing serious crimes but still taking advantage of those around them.
Whatever the reasons, many psychiatrists are left with the false impression that psychopathy and antisocial personality disorder are the same. They are not. Antisocial personality disorder is a helpful diagnosis when the question is whether a person is likely to behave badly, but it does nothing to discriminate among criminals. Only one in five people with antisocial personality disorder is a psychopath.
The above was written by Kent A. Kiehl, a neuroscientist at the University of New Mexico, and Joshua W. Buckholtz, a PhD candidate in neuroscience at Vanderbilt University.
Contact them here:
Kent A. Kiehl
kkiehl@unm.edu
Joshua W. Buckholtz
joshua.buckholtz@vanderbilt.edu
A Clarification on a Common Belief
"Man's inhumanity to man" should be changed to, "Sociopath's inhumanity to normal humans." It doesn't have the same poetic feeling, but it is more accurate.
Contact Me
Email me here: rising.up@gmail.com
2,336 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 1801 – 2000 of 2336 Newer› Newest»(JJ) I played a 2 year long "game" with a sociopath, and won.
In the beginning we were just friends online (6 years). He perfect, it seemed, except when he thought he wasn't going to ultimately get what he wanted. Me, to alleviate his boredom. When he felt he'd lost, he was given to verbal explosions that were unlike any I'd ever seen. There was always some drama when he felt he wasn't getting enough of my attention. He'd create some drama to get negative attention, and I sometimes needed months without talking to him to rest from these periods, because while he would be content immediately after, I would be left emotionally exhausted.
He has plenty, is retired and is all about alleviating his boredom, at any cost. Two wives, a grown son with each..left them all and all seem content with that (not close at all). He is extremely careful about how others perceive him, but it's all superficial. No matter what he does, it's someone elses fault, and he never apologizes for his poor behavior.
We did meet. I knew right away that something wasn't right. I'd read an article on the topic of sociopaths years before, just out of curiosity, or I might never have figured it out.
Since I was divorcing, and we already knew one another very well (he was in Europe) we met on the coast to finally see if we connected on a real level, and were to shop for a home during that week as well.
I'd just had a lump removed from my breast and the incision was still a bit painful. I had driven all day to reach the coast to pick him up from the AP, and had only been with one man in 10 years, I asked before we met that we keep our visit PG 13, and let what came natural, come later. He agreed.
That night in bed sharing a room with another couple (friends),just around the corner, not 10 feet separating us (not even a door), he woke me every 5 minutes groping my breasts. I told him repeatedly that it hurt, I was uncomfortable and tired and needed my rest, but he continued on.
Finally I snapped and went out onto the balcony to smoke and have a good cry. He came out as well and was very comforting and open to hearing what was wrong. I told him in very clear terms, he patted my shoulder and asked I come back to bed and get my rest as we had a big day coming. I was relieved, it was just a misunderstanding of course, had been a long time since he'd been with a woman and it was all just overwhelming for him. I went to the bathroom, blew my nose and returned to bed. He crossed his arms, acted wounded and said, "I still don't get what the problem is!"
...
(JJ) The next day, his behavior was abnormal. I've been with asses, trust you me, but his behavior was like nothing I'd ever seen before. My friends saw it right away as well. His statements were not logical at all, and he seemed to either take pleasure in my discomfort or take pleasure despite it. I'm still not sure about that, but I think both.
So, there I was..and I'd taken his life advice for so long that I was completely dependent upon him with nowhere else to turn. I know now that his game was to acquire me, and cause my ex to "lose" the game (which is funny because while he's certainly no sociopath, he'd been a loser long before I'd ever met this European man). I was but an object in the game..pretty and entertaining, a good bit younger than himself. I think he was also interested in me because I am as opposite from boring as one can be. Very free spirited and trying new things, meeting new people, as near fearless in my thirst for life as one can be without being reckless.
I decided to not say anything, though I knew almost immediately that I could never be with him because he wasn't the person he'd led me to believe he was. I alternated between hoping I was wrong and we'd connect, because I loved who I though he was and terror at being without him because I had nothing if I walked away (not even a home, as he'd encouraged me to give my current home over to my ex who is financially retarded and was already on edge of losing it). I had 4 children to think of as well.
I tried to talk him into just renting a home for us, until he could return to the states for good because he planned to buy a home for us then go back to Europe for 6 months and then join us. I didn't want him to make an investment in a home until we were more certain but he insisted. I know what i did was a bit self-serving as well, because I needed to move and settle in..find a new job and all those things in order to provide for my children myself, but it was what it was, and he bought the home. I felt a little better about it because he refused to even hear my opinion on which home he bought and only took me along for show.
I lived in the home for 6 months, until I was on my feet again, and left before he moved in. During that time, I did try to connect with him...but he was less willing to hide who was with me completely dependent upon him. The selfish emotional draining continued like never before during those months. My health was literally failing me, due to it all, until I finally admitted that living on the street in a box might really be better than one more day like that.
I told my ex that while I didn't feel physically unsafe, I feared the European's influence on our children. My ex agreed to join me on the coast and share a property with separate living quarters, along with the costs, so we might both be a large part of our children's lives. He's a bit lazy and makes poor financial decisions, would rather be on welfare than work hard but he's not a bad person other than that. It seemed a good solution, even if temporary.
We did that for more than a year, and all the while I worked hard so I might NEVER have to be in the position to rely on someone else ever again, for my children's sake if not my own.
During that time, the sociopath did move into his own house, and was beside himself angry because he percieved this as the ex, "winning". To this day, I have no idea why he hates my ex so much and wants to see him suffer. He failed me in so many ways, but I feel sorry for him and hope he has a good life. He's never done anything so horrible to me that I'd wish him ill. I did notice, hoever, that the sociopath would do ANYTHING, to win..to have my ex suffer the loss of not only me, but his children too, even spend every penny he has (otherwise he is stingy and cheap).
...
(JJ) When the sociopath kept contacting me, I finally talked to him (still not convinced that he was indeed a sociopath)...thinking he was just lonely and he had tried to help me..it wouldn't kill me to go visit him several days a week for a little while...he had nobody and was so lonely. I was clear with him that we were just going to be friends and nothing more. Time and time again he would say what he needed to say to let me know he was capable of mere friendship, and then try to manipulate me in every way to continue his games. He loved the drama, every bit of it, and only seemed in agony when ignored because he was bored. His boredom was worse than death to him, and it made no sense to me why he didn't just get a life...find someone else. He did talk to other women online, but they were all so boring, he said.
He started offering to pay for everything for me...from my car payment to a lawyer to "stick it" to my ex. He percieved himself this grand player in the game of my life and while getting me to move back into his house for entertainment was a goal, I really think his game of ruining my ex was as important to him, even if that's all he gained.
An example of how he is with his money (which he hoards) is sending me a large amount of money for a trip "home" in which I fell short, then refusing to give me 5 bucks the next day for gas to get to the bank to get my own money so I'd have to be stuck at his house, keeping him entertained. He told me he was "broke" though I know he has lots of money and was watching him spend large amounts on alcohol (pretty sure he's an alcoholic) the whole time. How stupid does he think I am? Well, apparently pretty stupid.
He also constantly insinuated that I was stupid and inferior, and every opportunity. Whenever I experienced success he seemed shocked, absolutely floored (even just a meal cooked well, though I'm a chef). What I ate was wrong, when I ate was wrong, how I ate was wrong. When I woke was wrong, when I went to bed wrong and my insomnia was no excuse for anything. My driving was wrong. He even harrassed me to the tiniest detail once while on a nature photography shoot, saying I was doing it all wrong and ruined the whole shoot (something he has zero experience in while I enjoy publication).
This man drove me crazy, but I was only communicating with him at all out of guilt and sympathy at that point. He took so much pleasure in degrading me while in reality I'm more intelligent than he is on a great many topics.
It all made me angry.
He gave me lots of money intended for evil, and I used it for good and with glee and was honest that he didn't have a chance with me the whole time. I only lied about HOW I was spending the money, because he'd never let go of one red cent unless it was of benefit to his game.
I let him pay for everything that he would and think that I was paying for a high powered lawyer to ruin my ex, and spent the money instead on my business, my children, and even helping my ex back on his feet. I also helped charities and homeless people with his money without his knowledge, after he'd made cold and even cruel statements about them.
I finally learned his game, and after so much emotion turmoil, I KICKED HIS ASS at his own game, and then stopped playing it, leaving him bored.
So, what am I?
I've been reading these comments for a couple days now. There are a LOT of comments! I was especially interested in the character who called himself (Eric). I'm completely astonished that anyone who was victimized by a sociopath would look for advice from one! Really? It seems worse than asking a rapist for relationship advice. Why would a SP give you good information? I'm not trying to put people down, because it really would be intriguing to, say, talk to a murderer (if he'd been given truth drugs or something). But I just wonder if the people who engaged him really believed that's what he was. Heck, in this day and age, Eric might have been an AI program! I notice he's gone. I wonder what really happened to him?
I've had experience with a few SP in my life, and I suspect my oldest son is some version of such. Lots of pain and anguish over that child. I fear I gave him lots of information because he was my first. I had time to kill and ended up explaining to him why people do the things they do. Oops. I was young and all I wanted was NOT to repeat the abuse I'd experienced. And still I made some major mistakes with the kid.
I can see SP tendencies through my mother's family. Some weren't so bad, but that inability to really feel emotion, blame everything on someone else, even that whole "gaslighting" thing (deny it happened) seems to run in the family in certain people. My ex's brother was certainly a SP. [The best incident was when he stole his father's checkbook and bought very expensive jewelry for his girlfriend, and just couldn't imagine what all the fuss was about.]
What is odd to me is that I can identify several other people in my life (not in my family) who qualify as SP. Lots of pain and anguish there, too.
Now, as I am middle-aged, I have been trying very hard to shake off people who abuse me. I cooperated for years. It's very hard to see how one cooperates with their own abuse, but it happens. I feel drained. I wonder if my own emotions have flat-lined, but really it just seems to be the happy emotions that are gone.
And still, knowing these people are bad for me, to think of really truly stopping all contact makes me anxious. Perhaps I'm a masochist.
My most recent brush was with a woman who worked with me in a club. She has stolen from the club (which I take personally since I started the club and pretty much funded it). Yet when she's gone I feel a hole. She screws me at every chance, and yet I miss her? How can that be?
We've worked together so many years, but since I've decided to stop being a doormat, we've grown apart. Pretty dramatically, too. Maybe because she can't get anything from me anymore. It's like I'm all used up and she has no more use for me, so she's moved on to leech off someone else. And I miss that? What is wrong with me?
"And I miss that? What is wrong with me?"
They turn on the charm, are very aware of what makes you tick and make you feel more special than anyone else ever has....before lowering the boom.
I would take the lesson, forgive myself and find some normal people to appreciate me.
Does a sociopath notice their own flaws??
How do sociopaths deal with other sociopaths????
People should be able to find out if someone's a possible sociopath before getting involved. Isn't there somewhere to post names of the sociopaths we've been involved with, for others to look up, before they become victims? Or is that illegal?
-T
Sociopaths usually know they are sociopaths. But they often don't think of their characteristics as "flaws." In fact, many of them see empathy as a flaw they can exploit.
Sociopaths usually avoid other sociopaths. They aren't as easy to manipulate as empathic people, and teaming up with them can be potentially dangerous.
T - that would be a good idea: a place to look up sociopaths' names. Probably illegal. But then again, maybe it's not.
My impression from my experience with them is that it would be hard to get people to believe it even if you had a list. They often get away with what they do because they have a lot of 'friends', people who they are nice to and are getting something out of the relation in exchange for propping them up to do damage to weaker ones. I have a number of former friends who I am no longer comfortable with because take running training from a coach who abuses young people. One of a them is a very high level and well respected veteran competitor. She benefits from a lot of individual attention that helps her win competitiions, he gets that legitimacy that draw unsuspecting young ones into his squad in spite of the fact that he has been kicked out of three clubs. I have warned people about him, but they don't listen. I wouldn't even be writing this if he wasn't dead, because he spends a lot of money on lawyers, so threats of libel suits would be plentiful if anyone even thought about putting his name on a warning list.
What I think would be a lot more helpful would be to somehow make people aware enough so that normal people wouldn't prop them up. Too many people shut their eyes when somebody hurts other people, particularly if the person is charming and fun. We need more civil courage.
When, for example, a corporate bully picks on somebody, the usual reaction of far too many people is to shun them too in order to make your way up in the company. If more people were to say to instead be supportive of that people the bullies would lose all their power. They are only 1%. They have no power without followers. Resist the temptation to sell your soul. Success isn't that important.
Problem is there's the danger of turning this into a witch hunt. I've already seen websites tying this stuff in with some of the standard conspiracy theories. Naming and shaming is not the answer, because there's too big a danger of getting the wrong people. The answer is to target that Milgram 65%. People need to learn to be more skeptical and quit falling for the hype. Simply being aware that it doesn't always take two to tangle. There are indeed people who simply hurt for the fun of it without any remorse. They may or may not be sociopaths. They may or may not be curable. But of others simply realize this and resist the temptation to join in, the bullies of whatever variety they are won't have a chance.
I'd like to tell a story about 2 sisters. One a sociopath, the other an empath.
Both spend lots of time with their mother.
The sociopath is making the mother sick.
The empath has been trying to help the mother feel better.
The empath is smart - and has warned the mother about having a sociopath for a daughter - and has told the mother that she is not going to risk getting sick at all, so is flushing the sociopath sister out of her life. The mother got mad, was defensive about the sociopath.
The mother got more sick.
The mother died.
The end.
Hi, I am wondering if my 24 year old daughter is a sociopath. She doesnt show emotions apart from wanting to be the leader or superior one in every situation, when this goes wrong she deliberatly starts on whoever the attentions on. I'm her biggest problem. At the moment she is jealous of my relationship with her daughters one aged 10 months and one 3 years old.She torments me with them, she uses them to control me. If i dont agree with her for a simple reason then i cant see the girls. When she worked in a salon she told all that worked there that she had an abusive childhood. She along with her little sister were spoilt rotten.No violence or abuse of any kind. However I had rules which she constantly broke, theyre seems to be this ongoing power struggle going on with her and me. Recently on face book, she wrote my mum is saying im on drugs and trying to take my kids away and my husband. I asked her if she was back on drugs thats all as her behaviour was odd for a few months. This infurated her and she deciced to put it on face book, inviting over a hundred comments of symphathy for her and hatred towards me. (people who had never met me). She was once again a victim, and because of my accusation i cant see the grankids again. I dont speak to my own mother as she caused trouble there too, telling me her grandad made sexual advances towards her. She keeps talking about when i die and the will. This is worrying.
I miss Eric..he always have extremely interesting viewpoints and given that he had college education on human psychology, he actually knew what he was talking about and kept my attention through all his comments. I wonder if he got shot in Afghanistan? He always said he was curious about the whole heaven hell dilemma...
I am a widow with 3 adult kids 2 girls one boy I think my son is a sociopath. He found a girl who will now mother him,and give him the other stuff combined so he has no need for a mother in any capacity.He has totally cut me off without dropping a line saying hi,nothing.The girlfriend (his first) provides a car,and uses her families credit card and living quarters too.And she has stolen from my daughter too. My son choose to stay with her and doesn't care about it. He has not even sad hi through any means and avoiding even saying hi oe I love you. He used me while he was at home to get what he wanted until that girl came along. Now it's like he has no mom anymore. Like totally cut off. He is 23,and it has gotten worse like he has no conscious that he is hurting me,and wants I and his sisters to become homeless,My son has been demanding and has used me,and should have seen it coming.He is very un-thankful for most things even more so after the girlfriend came along.. It's like he doesn't even exist anymore. He doesn't care if it hurts me by never communicating and it breaks my heart. Not a hi.or I love you.. Maybe it was a build up to him having this illness. My brother has a mental illness and had been violent,and ocd,and a lot of things, during my childhood, and got worse (but not near anyone to diagnose him)..So I am worried that my son has inherited a mental illness.. So sad,and as mentioned..heartbroken.It's like I have lost a son.. ;(
Excuse me, I'm just seeing if comments appear immediately or they are subject of approval.
All comments on this blog are moderated. That is, subject to approval by me.
Wow. What a read/ride. My ex has been diagnosed a sociopath (aren't they all on this site?)...unfortunately we have a child together. It seems to me that you must play the "game" by their rules. That means you have to "lose". Let them win. You must be as coldly calculating as they are. They feel nothing. They simply must win. Loss is unacceptable. Remember that. THEY DO NOT CARE. Don't be fooled, don't imagine that they can change. It will not happen. Set side your feelings and do what must be done to keep yourself and your child/ren safe. Let them walk away, sure in the knowledge that they have destroyed you. Educate your children. Tell them exactly what the other parent is. I recommend doing so under the aegis of a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma. Don't for a moment believe that your children are better off not knowing. If you cannot extricate yourselves totally, teach your children what to watch for. It's no different than educating them about stranger danger or inappropriate touch. Be careful not to trash talk the other parent. Be open and forthright, making certain your children know that they can approach you with any topic, with no fear off reprisal. Your instinct is to protect by limiting exposure to the harmful thing--sometimes all you can do is apply the highest SPF sunblock before sending them outside. Make sure your children know the rules of the game, as much as is age appropriate.
Hi Adam, that big eye is a bit creepy when viewed on android. Nearly gave me a heart attack the first time it filled the screen *lol* ...methinks the long message I typed this am got lost. I'll take that sign :)! Basically said LAUGH! Find your joy again. Don't let them take that too. Yep, totally sucky experience (I had twelve years in--why does that sound like a prison sentence?? Poignant *lol*). This website is about how laughter effects the body--hormones, enzymes, etc. Check it out:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/04/090417084115.htm
P.S. Adam: if you've got two posts from me, my bad. Pick the one you like best.
First off, thanks Adam, for a very interresting and enlighting article. I've read a few other sources on sociopathy, like the wikipedia entry, but your article gave a more personal view on the subject rather than clinical and was very helpfull.
I've found out i've likely known or been in repeated contact with 5-6 sociopaths (to some degree) so far in my 23 year old life, 3 at school, one my who's been in my sisters friend circle (but has moved away), and a guy i've been gaming with online in a larger organized group for some years and still play with (huge narcissist, always has to win and almost always does, never hesitates to be unfair or cheat, and can't take blame).
It's the 6th one that i'm unsure of that has me worried. It's a guy i met at university, he's a straight A student and probably has an IQ in the 140-150 range. He's not overtly narcissistic, helps people when they have trouble, seems to enjoy tutoring people in study sessions, and does not take advantage of people financially but sometimes treats a coffie, drink or snack if anyone has forgot a wallet or is out of cash (he has saved up a lot of money and has no student loan though).
He is as far as i can tell A-moral (not immoral), A-social (not antisocial), but he can't stand boredom or waiting idly. He also seems to covertly and almost calculating, work to be seen as the smartest guy in the room, leader and organizer of any group (almost like a puppetmaster), and a "nice guy" everyone likes and would help without hesitation if he ever needs it. He also sometimes misjudges emotional undertones of conversations and settings that seem obvious, seems to be a bad judge of how good friends he is with people and placing more value on their oppinion of him than personal connection, is great at picking up girls the few times he goes out, but has never had a steady girlfriend for a notable period of time.
The reason i'm worried is he seems to be emulating deeper emotional behaviour based on a "good faith" variety game theory (has "lectured" about game theory a few times), psycology (which he has read a LOT of books on but does not study) and the personal values of the people around him at any given time, as well as the mentioned covert "puppetmaster" tendencies he has which is ever present. I suspect him of breaking up two relationships where he a while later (couple of months) had a casual fling for a week or two with the girls, yet parted with them on seemingly good terms. And he seems to be building "political capital" towards some future goal, paying a lot of attention to the people he anticipates becomming important figures in the future, and in a way trying to get them to owe him favours. I've also seen his face go completely blank for just a second between emotions when he thought nobody was looking a couple of times (which was very creepy).
From what i can tell, he fits well as a hyper-intelligent sociopath who thinks being best at what he does and being concidered a respected and liked leader is "winning", as well as an occational hedonistic "binge". And he probably will end up leading a company or high in a multi-national corporation. A slightly chilling thought, but hopefull he won't change his goals too much from what they are today, as they seem harmless compared to what you (Adam) describe sociopaths as in your article. For now i don't think he's picked up on me suspecting him, and i hope it will stay that way out university, as we have a very similar study plan.
I am just getting to understand and learn about the disorder of sociopaths. I think my daughter is a sociopath. I have only seen her once have remorse (big time) about hurting her partner and made her loose her job. My daughter wanted to make up for that for many many months by helping her. My daughter gave her money everytime she could, sometimes her only income and I think she has stole some jewelry from me and have sold it just to give money to her. If sociopaths don't feel remorse and are selfish , what was my daughter feeling...? Maybe she is not a sociopath ? Maybe it's another disorder and it can be treated ? Please help ! I still have my hopes that she can be help. How can you tell a mother to give up on her own child ? It is very sad....
That is a painful and difficult question. It's possible she helped her partner for manipulative reasons. And it's also possible she is not a sociopath.
I recommend you contact Martha Stout. You can contact her here:
http://drmarthastout.gather.com/
or here:
Dr. Martha Stout
82 Marlborough Street
Boston, MA 02116 USA
And I recommend you contact the researchers referred to in the Scientific American Mind article on sociopaths:
Kent A. Kiehl
kkiehl@unm.edu
And Joshua W. Buckholtz
joshua.buckholtz@vanderbilt.edu
I have been married for twenty years to a man that, lies, shows not emotion, had no interest in his children etc.. I knew something was very wrong with him but could not put my finger or knew there was a name for it. I found out he has been having sex with prostitutes and a lot of them for most if not all of our marriage. He is a Sociopath he feels nothing for no one, is selfish and could care less who he hurts. If you meet a man and he gives you clues that he might be a sociopath run, run like you have never run before run like the wind and don't look back.
April 9 Anonymous: Your comment touched me so much, I posted it as a "featured comment" in the sidebar.
I wish you the very best in your new life.
(Tigress) I've not been here in while but noticed an unanswered Q about the difference between aspergers and sociopaths. People with Asp simply don't know how to express their feelings or understand social norms. I have Asp or am an aspy. Going for a walk can be an ordeal. If I pass by someone do I look at them if so how long before I seem like a freak, isn't looking at them at all an intrusion but by not looking at them I seem shifty right(oh the fun inner turmoil if the person happens to be a cop, lol). I don't show this other than maybe I do wind up looking shifty or rude or who knows.
So an aspy isn't going to be manipulating you or they will suck at it. They aren't really capable of it since they don't grasp the social "stuff" enough to do it. That's why they can't really express their emotions, they just don't know how.
Socios manipulate you. They will fake emotions they don't have. They understand emotions enough to manipulate them even when they lack them.
An aspy may seem like they don't care due to not expressing their emotions.
A socio will seem like they care when they do not because it suits them and they can work it to their advantage.
Socios can be very atractive till they start messing with you. They tend to "say the right things". Example my Ex said how he was into photography(I take a lot of photos). He never did any art. He now is with someone who does art. He now does art.
Aspys generally aren't "atractive" in the social-emotional sense, more outcast, because we seem to not care or are weird due to not following the social "stuff" we just don't get.
(Tigress) PP about described my father in her little list. He literally tells my mother how to eat, chew, how to breath, even if she gets sick, sneeze etc it's some how her fault. He sets up situations to cause there to be things for him to get upset over.
He doesn't mess with me much in part because I think he knows he lost my trust and hopes to win it back but in part because he found he has a strong enough effect on me by being so unfair to her and gets mad at me if I try to defend her. This doesn't work as much as it used to either. My mother did stay with this man and let him do this to her children after all. I do let her bitch about him behind his back though and gently nudge her to see who he IS an abuser but she's far to old to ever see the light and leave him.
Update on the EX he didn't get arrested since the state the girl lives in has a ridiculously low consent age and he went to see her. He didn't know this though, thought it was illegal and did it anyway.
He also tried contacting me for relationship advice, claimed she cheated on him but am sure it was the other way around. He claimed he wanted to know his bad points so he wouldn't turn out like me. Sure throw poorly veiled insults at me so I give him what he wants and say all his bad points. I guess he wanted to know so he could better hide them from this girl he's with and at the same time maybe was testing the water to see where I stood. Still claiming the break my fault for not giving him what he wanted, which not, to be too specific, was to let him betray me even worse than he managed too.
(Tigress) My father is a narcissist/socio that unlike most does live by some sort of moral code so I can respect he's not out there killing people and at least tries to do the right thing he mostly just messes with his family. So here's a taste of what that can be like beyond the regular mental and emotional abuse I've mentioned before.
Had to rush someone I love to the hospital today and do not know yet how bad it is. He was there to help but my crying bothered him so his attempt to help was to tell me I shouldn't grieve for them unless they are dead and my letting myself get upset was bringing negativity into the situation. Yeah the power of positive thinking from a socio's perspective. My allowing myself to be upset could be making the one I love worse.
Yeah sure pray positive thoughts all good but even if it is the least bad option it's still upsetting and normal people often cry when upset. Maybe meant well but he really kicked me while down by indicating I'm a bad/weak person for feeling bad about a bad situation.
More or less proving he is a socio because he thinks all such displays of love/empathy/ fear of loss - crying are by choice since his are. It's appropriate to cry when someone dies not when they are sick. Sorry but a normal feeling human cries when they feel like it because they can't help it as a natural reaction. Ugg, well being pissed at him did override crying for awhile.
Do you recommend to tell a sociopath and explain to her that she might be a sociopath ? Do you think if I ask her directly if she has ever feel any remorse...she would respond trustfully ? and... what do you think about oxytocin ? Do you think it works on sociopaths ? Maybe another drug ?... There has to be something that can help sociopaths... !! Sociopaths have no fault in having this disease...it's like not giving treatment to a diabetic... they can't help it if they are diabetics... don't you think ?
I've had numerous sociopaths in my life: two ex-boyfriends, a college roommate, students, and peripheral friends. Here's my two cents, and I hope it helps someone.
How to Avoid Being a Victim:
The one thing I learned (after sociopathic boyfriend 2) is to distrust anyone who is charming.
Many people are genuinely kind and sweet, and they have a love of people that just bubbles over. Those people aren't what I call charming; they have a certain something about them that is genuine and real.
People who are charming, however, are just a bit "off." (If you read the book "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell, you'll understand better those gut feelings of "this is just not right" that we get and, unfortunately, often ignore.)
The charming people make one compliment too many, or they word it in a way that might at first seem really insightful and genuine, and very well may be, for they're unbelievably insightful. But that compliment is, in actuality, manipulative. We sense this far more often than we think, though it barely surfaces as a thought. But please, please, please let it surface, let it register. If you don't, you've already been manipulated. In the hands of a skilled sociopath, charm is meant to be disarming: they want you to let your guard down, if only just slightly.
That so many sociopaths are successful is testament to how easily we can be flattered, how easily we want to believe good things about ourselves, *AND* how much we'll start to trust people we think like us and appreciate us. And of course if we're a little bit insecure, we're immediately susceptible to charm, and therefore to manipulation. I know because for years, I practically had a flaming sign over my head that screamed "insecure!" I actually attracted sociopaths and other ne'er-do-wells.
Not anymore. I'm not a pessimist, but I'm no longer a doormat. Sure, the occasional sociopath gets through my screening process; but since I've learned better how to spot them, far fewer get in, and none have gotten close enough to hurt me. It took one almost killing me to get to this point, but that's a whole other story.
My advice: go with your gut feeling, the one that's saying "something about this doesn't feel quite right," even if it's the last thing in the world you want to do because the sociopath is making you feel wonderful. He or she won't let you feel that way for long. Your destruction is his or her goal. You're just a game to be won. Better to walk away now while you've no investment in the outcome.
If a Sociopath is in Your Life
Cut him or her off completely if possible. No confrontation, no drama, because they want those things. Just LEAVE.
My heart goes out to those of you who can't because of circumstances regarding children. In those cases, learn to be numb. Emotion = weakness. Pick your battles wisely.
One last thing: several sociopaths I know are highly successful salespeople. I read somewhere (wish I could remember where) that sociopaths are particularly suited to that kind of job; their ability to read people and manipulate them is a lucrative asset. I'm not saying all salespeople are sociopaths, no; it's just something to watch out for the next time you go shopping for a new car :)
~Anna
(Tigress)
Desperate mom, no confronting them and suggesting they are sociopaths is a bad idea. If they see you as a threat they can turn on you even worse. Pointing out their flaws or getting therapy will only help them fake being normal better so they can hurt people even more later. No oxy wont help. A percent of people have no reaction to it and are likely the sociopaths. Even if it worked it wont give them morals, empathy or help them feel fear in the right way.
If by some miracle they found a pill that would make them feel fear, love, loyalty etc. they would not keep taking it. They feel powerful and no fear(or not fear in a bad way), no need for people, taking the pill would make them feel weak and venerable compared to how they were before they would not stay on it.
To Anna that is a very good assessment. Both socios in my life fit that bill of being charming. People are drawn to that. I notice my father regularly uses certain lines for certain situations because people are charmed by it though occasionally I see someone more creeped out because as you say their subconscious rebels at the slight offness most people miss until later.
According to the Psychopathy Handbook, there are many physiological differences in the brains of people who score high on the Psychopathy Checklist (revised). People who are depressed seem unlikely to be unaffected by emotionally charged words and photos (as sociopaths are). Regardless of whether you want to accept that someone you know is a possible sociopath, or even if you don't believe this disorder exists, the fact is that the personality and behavior combinations DO exist.
While it is possible to leave a sociopathic boyfriend or friend, it is not always possible to get away from a sociopathic coworker (especially since jobs are rare nowadays). The book "Snakes in Suits" gives some insight into the "Corporate Psychopath"
Recently I've come to the conclusion that my wife of five months is a sociopath. I have known her for nearly two years. We met on a dating site and had a long distance relationship. Though she hurt me during the dating period to the point where I would end the relationship, she would charm and manipulate me into getting back together. We've been living together now for seven months and married for five. I knew something was wrong when we were dating long distance, but having spent the past seven months together every day has given me the insight necessary to draw my conclusion. She makes me miserable and I just want her out of my life. She cannot be reasoned with. She's always right. She lies about so many things. She's deceitful. She's a cheater (addicted to dating sites). She's egocentric. She wants me to provide everything and she doesn't want to provide anything for us. She is a parasite. She uses pity as a weapon against unsuspecting victims. She is charming and manipulative. She is very attractive, sexy and seductive and she uses these attributes to suck you back in when she has done something wrong to hurt you. I took her to see a counselor about problems she had caused in our relationship (prior to comprehending what she is) and she had that counselor wrapped around her finger in a matter of minutes. I was so blown away at this I just couldn't believe it. It shows me that counselors are worthless at diagnosing mental disorders. She also has a violent temper. She hits, bites, throws things and screams. I posted the most recent episode on Facebook and her ex husband sent me an email. He and I have become good friends and he is helping me to understand her better. He is my support to help me escape. I have been granted a protective order against her and she is no longer in my home. She ignores some of the requirements of the protective order because she does not respect authority. One of her favorite sayings is, "I do whatever I want!" I have filed for divorce as well. My advise to you is that if you find yourself in a relationship with someone whom you conclude is a sociopath, run, fast! You cannot win. You cannot negotiate with them. They don't compromise. They may pretend to recognize they did you wrong, even apologize and promise not to do it again, but this is simply manipulation to get you back, then repeat the same wrong they did before. Complete avoidance is the only solution. Run, fast, hide, do not respond.
My sociopath carefully and meticulously plans his every evil design, course of action and scenario. He does not act impulsively, not at all or ever. This is clear to me. The sociopath is not fooling me in this respect. He is in complete control of his actions; they are well planned and calculated. However, he hasn't any awareness of their consequences or efficacy. He is especially shocked when his carefully crafted plans and their designed sequences always come to naught. He just can't believe that he can be thwarted, anticipated or "defeated." He always underestimates me in my knowledege of his sociopathology and he couldn't ever conceive that I could possibly know when he's cooking up his neverending new schemes and designs. It's now so easy for me to expect and to anticipate his nefarious and evil plans, compulsive lies and his next move. But this sociopath always continues in his scheming as if I'd just met him yesterday and I know nothing of his chronic mental illness. So he keeps scheming, implementing his careful designs and he keeps losing. It took me a while to get the hang of stopping the guy in his careful and well thought out schemes and in his unrelenting making of the next new plans. So I used to think he simply was stupid, but I see in my research, to include the findings of the Scientific American Mind in the side column above, that among the many brain deficiencies sociopaths have is the physiological inability to learn from their mistakes. I guess that's the basic explanation as to why this guy long ago had me convinced he's stupid and therefore after a while easy for me to figure out, anticipate, react. Don't get me wrong - dealing with him every minute of every day is hell, it is not a cakewalk and I'll be moving out of the house next week. But my question at this point is whether my gay sociopath friend is in fact stupid? Or does he simply have an anatomical brain deficiency? Is there a difference between the two?
(zem) Its taken time (three years), but I'm just about recovered from the effects of my relationship with a female socio. It's strange in a way, because I gone full circle, and now feel nothing but deep deep pity for these people. They are just empty vessels living out their days at other peoples expense.
A very close female friend of mine, who I care for dearly has been in a relationship with someone I belive to be a socio. All the patterns are there, control, manipulation, pity plays, gas lighting, charm, flattery, serial lying (swearing on his childrens lives when lying), stealing, emotional blackmail using his children. This man is a parasite, but against my best efforts, she still keeps on giving him the benefit of doubt. This is what they rely on.
He has made her break contact from all her friends, change her dress sense, stop listening to her favourite music, stolen her jewelery from previous relationships. Attempted to get her to go dogging. He is a snake. He even persuaded her to have two tattoo's with his name on, but at the same time eluded to have the same done. He's been married three times, and his last wife did the sensible thing and ran away.
I've gotten her to finally eject him from her life, but he continues, its incessant, non stop.. All he wants to do is win. The only way she has managed to get this far, is to STOP CONTACT with him. They look for chinks in your make up to prise you open. They pretend to listen to what you say, but its all a ploy to get you to the subject matter they want to discuss.
She keeps telling me that she can't be cruel to him and has to listen and/or talk to him. I keep reminding her that its all lies, and he'll say anything to win her back.
If you want to get away, you've got to get tough, very tough.
1. Be indifferent to them and their 'supposed' circumstances, make them believe you don't care anymore
2. Do not react. They want you to be emaotional, so they can prise you open for more manipulation. Be as dead pan as you can.
3. Be unpredictable, strange, do not conform to any of the patterns they like. This really puts them off.
4. If you do have to communicate with them, limit it to emails and text. If you do speak to them, and they start their pity plays, tell them you're not doing it and hang up.
Good luck and best wishes to all
Zem,
I liked your comment. I posted it as a separate post so it was easier to share:
http://sociopathcomments.blogspot.com/2007/04/youve-got-to-get-tough.html
Thank you.
Do you not respond to all comments, just some ? Why is that ?
Would you recommend that I tell my daughter that she might be a socio and explain to her what a socio is ? and... what do you think about oxytocin ? Do you think it works on socios ? Any other drug, treatment ?...
I've been reading through the comments here, and got to about 400 (start of page 3). It just hit me, with all the talk of sociopaths always playing a game and WINNING, could Charlie Sheen be one? A quick search on the posts for 2011 gave no results.
Charlie Sheen has shown a lot of signs of sociopathic behaviour, and is obsessed with WINNING, earning him a famous quote for being "BI-WINNING" when asked if he was bi-polar.
He also commented that when people said he was grandiose, he was, and was living a "bitchin' rockstar life". With regards to drug use (cocain) and rehab se said he got over it when he "closed his eyes and made it so", and that while it was great while he was doing it, he grew bored with it towards the end, and had no urge to do it again, but didn't regret what he did, but was rather proud of it.
What do you guys think? Could Charlie Sheen be a SP?
I don't respond to all comments. Some have been answered already. Your second question is actually one of them. I do NOT recommend ever telling a sociopath that she's a sociopath.
Only one study relating oxytocin to sociopaths has been done so far, and it indicated sociopaths may not respond to oxytocin. That may be the source of their lack of empathy.
The Scientific American Mind article in the sidebar is the latest on the research on sociopaths. And it talks about treatment -- not drugs, but another kind. Check it out.
Eric, I assume you are still around.
I'm wondering when did you notice you began to behave this way? Did you always have this personality disorder or did it develop, say with puberty or something?
Would you say that it is all stemmed from a control perspective or do you actually enjoy hurting someone (in the case of manipulation, not revenge which I can understand).
What do others that you've hurt think about you? Have they been able to remove you from their lives? Are there names that are common from those you've taken advantage of or manipulated?
Is your disorder fueled by others willingness or vulnerability or more out of anger or is it something else.
Thanks,
A
Thank you for this.
I just wrote, addressed to someone else, I suspect, but you have answered the majority of my questions on the subject.
I think it is important for those who understand what they are doing to share with those who are mislead by this behaviour.
I'm quite sure that I have grown up with some or many with this disorder and I often took the responsibility or blame, now I realize I'm quite free to live my life in peace, without these people in my life, loved ones or not.
Thanks again. I hope that this is an honest depiction of your life and actions, as from experience I know that the manipulation is automatic and takes over most personal stories, so thanks for your honesty, I assume.
A
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Hi All-Ive scrolled through the conversations over the past forty minutes but I havent read it all. I normally dont post on blogs, and my intention is not to be another "Hi, I'm a sociopath" (with respect). However, I stumbled on this site as I have felt for a while that I have sociopolitical tendencies. The difference is that I want to be different to stop hurting the people who love me.
I am 26 and intelligent. I just finished second year law and completed by bachelor of commerce concurrently (graduating this May). For a very long time I have had very little regard for others feelings, thinking of them as weak. I have killer instincts when it comes to accomplishing my goals and I really identified with the statement that sociopaths just want to "win", whatever that may mean to them.
I am very pretty and can be extremely manipulative. When I am fighting with someone I have a secondary monologue that runs in my head. This is nuts and lets me tune into how far I can push the other person and what I have to do to elicit the reaction that I want. I am very popular, however my only long standing friendships aside from people that I currently interact with on a regular basis are with people who have kept in contact with me, as I have little interest in maintaining the friendshipsmyself. I have said for a very long time that the only person I would be crushed to lose is my mom, anyone else I could handle. I am very well liked as I am charming, however to the very few people who "know me", (my sister and my boyfriend) I am very anti-social, critical, ruthless, cunning, opportunistic etc. These are qualities that I am quite sure no one else would believe about me beside these two people who know me very well.
I have very little regret, although I do regret hurting people sometimes. However this regret (or whatever you would call it) is more like someone watching a movie that makes them a little sad for the character, and doesn't reflect a deep understanding of the paint that I cause. I bounce back very quickly from events that most people find traumatic (break-up etc) usually within half an hour. As long as I can see a way out for myself (ex-Previous boyfriend fight, I broke up with him, we lived together.I was more upset about pending exams and how to make the transition from our condo to my own place without disturbing my study schedule. Once I had that mapped out it was all systems go).
I have done things that most people would never do (and people would not believe I did). I was a prostitute for a short stint when I was 19. I wasnt homeless or anything, but was sort of enticed about the prospect of this lifestyle (I have also always been good at manipulating men). Also I did this in a limited way so that it wouldnt affect my future professional life (I have wanted to be a lawyer since I was six, no joke). I was almost expelled in high school for bullying a girl. My friends and I made her life a living hell with me as the ringleader. The reason for harassing her was that she dated one of my friends boyfriends previously… Even I recognize this as a very lame excuse to do this to someone. I regret this, but again it is a "well that is too bad, dont want to do that again", however I find myself slipping into being evil and making peoples (particularly girls who I have reason to hold a grudge against) lives a living hell. My mom says I was the sweetest child (and my memories are consistent with this), but I just turned really bad around 15 or 16.
2/2
As far as background-mom and dad divorced when I was five. VERY loving mom and I learned how to mimic my "loving" attributes from her. She is the best. This has fooled a lot of boyfriends (of which I have had many, and often multiple at one time). Have a rocky relationship with dad and rarely if ever speak. I feel like he has similar attributes to a sociopath (it was mentioned this could be genetic). I dont ever remember being abused, sexually or physically. My sister (she is younger) has struggled with depression, I think stemming from issues surrounding our dad, but appears to have a normal range of emotions. Mom struggled financially to raise us on her own, which is where I feel my intense desire to succeed comes from, to never be in her vulnerable position.
Anyways, this is quite long. As stated earlier I actually WANT to fix this deficiency in myself. I am fortunate to attract some pretty amazing people into my life. My current boyfriend, the only one who i have not cheated on, is one of them. I feel that if there is any hope for me to get better I would be pretty lucky to have him (which is rare, I normally think the opposite. That people are lucky to have me so this is new). He is the reason that i am seeking out treatment of some kind. I want to stop hurting him, or if that is not possible, I want to cut him free. It was mentioned that there is no cure but I find that incredibly difficult to believe. We can put people in space, we have got to be able to fix people who have difficulty with emotion. Something. ANYTHING. Please help. I am not a danger to myself or others.
As a cursory note-I took oxicodon two years ago when I had my breast augmented. I guess they helped with the pain, (it wasnt unbearable to begin with) but I remember being perplexed as to why they were so popular. I never thought anything of it until reading this blog, but I am quite sure that they did not have the effect on me that they have on others. On another note-I rarely drink, have experimented with drugs (marijuana and cocaine) less than ten times and feel no desire to abuse alcohol or drugs, however I have a very addictive personality (went from a non-smoker to smoking a pack a day within a week and a half at 18, then quite cold turkey last year when I was 25 with very little forethought on the issue. I rarely get cravings and when I do i just chill for a bit and they go away quickly)
Apologies for the long post again, however I am open to suggestions on how to feel more compassion, empathy, love etc.
Thank you in advance.
Canada
I have been reading up on more of the blog over the past day. It has been a very good distraction to the alternative of actually finish my pending papers...Very interesting affect Eric had on this discussion.
Up until this point I have never wanted to change. I read Oscar Wildes "The Picture of Dorian Gray". For those of you not familiar with the premise of the novel, it is about a beautiful young man who commits terrible acts. He remains beautiful while a portrait of him retains the scars of his deeds.
It was recommended by my sister (a literature undergrad at the time). Her reason for recommending the book was because she said it was me to a T. I have read it three times and enjoy it every time. There have been a few people who identified as a SP who mentioned that they enjoyed reading about SP. I get that. I love it and it makes me feel very good. Partly because I do love who I am and my abilities that I consider superior that others dont seem to possess (which gives me a leg up on my competition).
Having a leg up is important for me. Although I know that I am intelligent I dont accredit my accomplishments to being smarter than the next person. It is because I will out work, out prepare and out perform anyone or anything that I am up against.
Also-it was mentioned that SP know what they are, but b/c they like themselves are unable to be helped. I have always known that I was bad, and knew exactly what I was doing, how it was hurtful and the impact that I was having. I have known this with such clarity and actually used it to my advantage (ex-if I told someone that I had wronged how I knew that I had wronged them, and exactly how, I could win back their trust if that served me. I think this is because they would take the recognition as inconsistent with truly evil intentions, or maybe as repentant ...I am not sure, I am a numbers person, not an psychologist)
However I would like to reiterate that, although I have liked myself in the past, with this special person in my life I want to change. Someone asked Eric if he thought he could fall in love and who that person would look like. He said that he didnt as it would always be a game. I am afraid of this, and afraid of hurting this person. I am willing to take him out of my life if it would be better for him, however if there is an alternative (ie-a way that I can fix myself) I would like to explore that first.
Another question-when is the line crossed between being a sociopath,, and just being a selfish person? There is a part of me that hopes I am just selfish, as it means that I can work on myself. But part of me would not be sad to be alone and up to my old tricks, it is however very difficult to "care" about someone all the time (I learned caring behavior frommy mom and am very good at it, but it is tiring and inconsistent with my long term abilities I am afraid).
I do find that physical activity helps a bit. So does having interesting work to concentrate on.
Again thank you.
Canada
I'm dealing with a sociopath at work. She is my "breaker" at my security guard job at a convention center. The "breakers" tend to be sort of like the long arm of management on the convention floor. This is not so great to deal with, when the "breaker" is somebody who should never have any kind of power over other people.
She is abusive and insulting, sometimes to a ridiculous degree. I know that I cannot stand up for myself, because that will just get her going more. Even if I say "yes, ma'am," that will keep her going at it. So, I have been learning to give her the silent treatment.
I haven't complained to our boss about her, because I know that she has him hoodwinked. Other fellow employee have commmented on the situation as well, but they don't realize she's a sociopath.
Fortunatley I don't see her that much; our job is on call, and I am stuck with maybe once every 2 months, but even that seems tobe damaging. We just finished a show, at which my boss gave me a different breaker than her, without my asking for it, but I'm thinking there is still some damage control to do.
What happened is that the dayshist breakers forgot about me, which is not uncommon, so I called the "command post" to ask them to send someone out to watch my booth so I could go to the restroom. Somehow this got twisted around to my boss on the nightshift thinking I called to complain about the sociopath in question (SIQ for short), even after he told me never to go to the morning manager with a problem with a fellow worker, on the night shift. No, I did not call down there to complain about her, but to just get a restroom break. She did her job at least, she did not forgot me.
So she came to ask me about this, and I told her very clearly and plainly that I did not call to complain about her, but to complain about the morning people. So she says "oh" and leaves. So the next time she comes around, I go back to doing the silent treatment thing.
Next day I come to work, and find they gave me a different person for the day. Well and good. Towards the end of the day I discover form the new breaker that she was told, by our boss, that I complained about the SIQ, and that she (the new breaker) was to give me breaks that day. I did not complain about the SIQ!
What I did do, was to continue not speaking to the SIQ.
So I don;t how the whole idea got started, but it doesn't look like the SIQ went and told the truth to the boss. Of course not, what was I thinking?
So should I go and explain what I really said to the morning management (i.e., that I did not complain about her), to the nightshift boss? I will now have to wait until the next show comes along....could be 2 weeks or more. If I do, I could be coming up against the my word - versus her word kind of thing.
I did not try to figure things out with the day-shift people of the restriction against saying anything about co-workers on the night shift to the day-shift boss.
Thanks in advance,
Tyler
Hello, i have a couple questions for Eric. I been dating this guy off and on for 9 years and we have a 8 year old daughter together.My first question is he claims he loves us and wants his family with us but he is 39 years old and still lives home with his parents and when were not fighting he stays with us but we no longer are intimate and he totally ignores us and feels we should do what he says.He sleeps all day and most of the night then plays poker and never anytime with the kids or myself. He barely eats, doesnt hold a job,drinks sometimes, smokes pot but has done alot of other drugsin the past. Hes been arrested a few times for drugs and alchol.He is verbally,mentally abusive when he speaks. He always thinks he is right and never apologizes. He punishes the kids and myself by ignoring or calls and not spending time with kids. He goes to his parents and hides in his room shutting family and everyone else out of his life. His priorities is sleeping, smoking pot and cigs, and online poker. He wont attend any family functions nothing. He gets mad at me because i dont like how he is but i do love him. Is he a sociopath? He also gets mad because i told him im not codependant and i dont need him. He thinks i should be needy of him so now hes back with his mom and dad. He also cant have calls after 10 and no overnight company. He lost all his friends.Please give advice on what to do as im always crying and upset because my daughter loves her dad but he dont bother with her but claims he loves her and wants us to be a family.My hart is broke but im a strong independant woman whos had enough and knows i need to get away from him. My problem is im afraid something bad will happen to him and my daughter wont have her dad. He leaves us alone for the most part until he gets it in his head he wants his family again and then his games start again. How do i get him to stop? Any input you give would be greatly appreciated.
I have been dealing with a SP for years and didn't know it till i realized all the signs were staring right in my face. Unfortunately I have two kis by this woman. I read thoroughly an article on the internet about SP's. (http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html) or the profile of a SP and ALL the signs are there. This woman does not work, takes me to child support where I am paying her an exorbided amount of money. I have no recourse but to try to gain custody of my kids. This woman lies and manipulates with every word that comes out her mouth and then when you confront her with it, it like she lies on top of that. CLEARLY the only solution to this problem is to END ALL CONTACT WITH THIS PERSON. Right now I am working on my plan of action as to how to get custody of my kids. Usually the courts in NY side with the woman, however if she is not working, I don't see why they will not side with me. I am just venting and I am sure others are in the same situation as I am, there is no reasoning with these people because they have no conscious. There is only one solution....REMOVE THEM FROM YOUR LIFE!!!
My God, I was reading the difference in Sociopath, Psychopath because I was interested in the definition. My life reads like fiction, but is real, very real. I started in therapy when I was 28 because my first husband who was so abusive & left me & my 3 children only to re marry a Psychopath who was arrested for a different matter & they discovered He was preparing to kill my 4 children & me. I looked at the common factors in the two. !. they both had the same initials 2. they both were born on the 15 of the mo. #3 the most important factor they were both abandoned by their birth mothers at the age of 17mos. & raised by their aunt an uncle. But the most amazing thing that has left me SHAKING is that I spent 36yrs. in different types of therapy to stand up to my very abusive MOTHER......I thought she was just cruel, selfish, degrading, demanding& lacking any real feelings only to realize SHE WAS A SOCIOPATH. And I lived my life fighting not only fear but terror. I am happy to say I did learn to stand up to her & love her because she was incapable of love. She was CRUEL to me till the day she died & I still could not understand how she could be so cruel. Oh my God, now I understand WHY & I have a BROTHER just like her. I still have PTSD from the sexual abuse & at 10 my stepfather shot himself in the head & the other horrors I experienced.....but I thought I was too sensitive & weak.Even tho my last therapist said I was a very courageous soul to keep striving to overcome.........I am weeping because if I had only known it was not ME....It is just so sad the damage a Sociopathic Psychopathic..... MOTHER CAN CAUSE......... & guess what her profession WAS......A TEACHER & GUIDANCE COUNSELOR in fact TEACHER OF THE YEAR SEVERAL TIMES........WHY DON'T THERAPIST LOOK FOR THESE SYMPTOMS MORE????............It took me until 2000 for me to realize she was incapable of loving...........& THE CRUELTY & LACK OF EMPATHY...I just now got it!!!!! Knowing this could have helped me so much LONG AGO.......I was raised in a time of innocence......I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS LIFE AT ALL........& the most amazing thing......I never drank, took drugs or Smoked amy thing....I TOOK IT HEAD ON........But I did not escape unscathed.........I have Panic Disorder & PTSD......But I feel deeply & love deeply.......BUT I NOW HAVE BOUNDARIES......& KNOW TOXIC PEOPLE WHEN I SEE THEM. I HAVE AMAZING CHILDREN & 17 GRANDCHILDREN..........none ever in jail or in trouble......I SURVIVED & THRIVED.......
I am The person who wrote the comment above,about that I just realized I had a Sociopathic Mother.It is difficult to TELL between Sociopath & Psychopath. This site defines it the best. You can refer to me as" CiBelle." This is to the woman who was getting Divorced after almost 30yrs. My advise is to just let go. I know this sounds impossible but he will continue to fight & do & say anything to win. My youngest daughter was married to a Sociopath/Psychopath. He brain washed her, isolated her, completely took her away from her family. Cheated on her for the 10yrs. of their marriage.He ran her down told her no one would want her with 5 children. She had more than him when they met but he became a millionaire while they were married. She asked him to go for therapy. But he filed for divorce while she was on a long road trip with the children. In Texas They have it fixed for the GOOD old BOYS. The most he would have to pay for child support was 2,600 no matter how many children. He out lawyered her,domiciled her to that very expensive school district.She had to Dance to support her children. He hid the money so she got next to nothing. When he could not crush her he took her back to court for custody. You see he never intended to loose her he just wanted to crush her & make her crawl back. She fought him used every penny she had. Even the money in her 401k. She bought a new home her att. messed up she is one block out of the school district so he got custody. He thought this would crush her.....Wrong. She gets the kids almost half the time , the kids dislike him for what he did. She met & married a Wonderful Emotionally sound loving man who loves all her children like they are his. He is very handsome & his family love her & all our family loves him. They just had a baby girl. Now he has to see her all the time at school events & sports events.....he won the battle but lost the war. He really does not want the children now....But she holds him to the exact degree of the papers. He is so miserable he is drinking himself to death. Her new husband deals with him she totally ignores him....He is the type who can't stand for people to think badly of him. SHE FINALLY LET GO OF THR ROPE........They can't fight alone.....Your children will eventually see the truth unless they take after him.......Cut your losses and RUN BABY RUN......Start over & take care of yourself......GET YOUR BACK UP & IGNORE HIM........LET HIM WIN.....IN THE END YOU WILL WIN What goes around comes around. Look at this as a good life lesson....Be HAPPY & DON'T LOOK BACK.....PUT DOWN GOOD BOUNDARIES WITH YOUR CHILDREN........STOP THE ABUSE NOW.....IF YOU DO THE GOODNESS IN YOU WILL DRAW THE GOODNESS IN THE RIGHT MAN FOR YOU. ON THE 11th. I WILL HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 25 YRS TO A MAN WHO IS SO LOVING & KIND & HAS HELPED TO HEAL MY WOUNDED SOUL.YOU CAN SURVIVE LIFE WITH A VERY SICK PERSON.....MY DAUGHTER & I DID........SO CAN ALL OF YOU.......AND KEEP THE GOODNESS & LOVING SPIRIT IN YOU.
To (pSP) PTSD definitely does NOT make you feel better. I have it and it is very, very bad. It does not happen often but it is not pleasurable. I feel like that terrified CHILD all over again and someone is going to hurt me really bad and I have no control over it. Especially with Authority figures. I control it by literally telling my self out loud"YOU ARE SAFE, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO ALLOW YOUR SELF TO BE HURT!!!! CALM DOWN< BREATHE>BREATHE>YOU ARE SAFE!!! AS FOR YOU I CANNOT SAY BECAUSE
I HAVE NO WAY TO IDENTIFY WITH YOU......BUT HAVING SURVIVED A SP MOTHER & 2 SP HUSBANDS it must be an awful feeling to see people truly experience love & feelings & all you can do is pretend. I FEEL SO TRULY SORRY THAT YOU ARE WHAT I CALL "A SURFACE DWELLER" I WISH THERE WERE A CURE FOR YOU.......I WISH YOU WELL, CiBelle
Adam I can't thank you enough for this site.
You have literally saved me & my three daughters.
My son is 23yrs. old & he has everyone of the signs of a sociopath. My heart breaks knowing that most probably he cannot change due to what some one told me about "arrested development". Not having the capacity to connect or love people, etc.. now I have to figure out how I am to get him out of my home with out just throwing him out and making him homeless. I don't think there is a mother out there who could do that or maybe I have not reached rock bottom with him. All I know is that I have some very hard decisions to make.
Once again thank you so so much for all the info. posted here.
Eric is not a sociopath.
After reading his posts, I can confidently say that he is a product of parental abuse and childhood neglect, as he himself has admitted. He has low self-esteem and a low feeling of worth. His admittance of being a sociopath is not really an actual admittance, but an expression of anger, anxiety, or perhaps even rage. Due to feelings of childhood rejection and general feelings of unwantedness, he in turn withdraws from and rejects all others, including reality. It's very likely that this persona provides emotional satisfaction for his anger, delusions of uniqueness, and a false sense of feeling special.
The sociopathic persona that he has embraced has served him very well in keeping others distant, while also serving as an outlet for his anger. It counters his low self-esteem and poor image with what he feels as something that empowers him via inflicting emotional pain on others, yet keeps everyone at bay due to his own fears of emotional vulnerability. Most would be quite surprised to learn that these types are actually very fragile and that their emotional exterior is much like a display of impressive fireworks - flashy at first, but will soon fizzle into nothing if you wait them out long enough. They essentially can't maintain their act under constant scrutiny because they eventually run out of tactics and tricks. Eric does have the capacity to feel, it's just that he hasn't had a chance to adequately express those emotions in the most crucial time of his life - early development.
I am aware that Eric has received two diagnosis for being a sociopath. This is irrelevant as misdiagnosis of patients can, and does, happen. A true sociopath is actually a very rare enigma, and to the inexperienced it can be very difficult to distinguish a true sociopath from an extreme narcissist. I believe that he wanted his self-empowering sociopathic persona to not only be recognized by an authority, but also validated. After this diagnosis, Eric most likely felt that his persona was perfect and protective.
Eric may have reached a point where he was starting to feel that this persona was starting to disserve him. This is what provoked him into seeking out this community and posting here as regularly as he did. He was able to keep up this persona due to his young age and the naivety of his young peers. As he progresses into adulthood, naivety gives way to insight, and the world wouldn't have him in this emotional state as an adult. Erics' a smart guy and he obviously realized this. His posts are really an outreach to gain a deeper understanding of himself and to ultimately find a way to shed this now hindering, suffocating, isolating persona that no longer feels so empowering anymore. Still, in the back of his mind throughout his duration here, Eric may have also been hoping for further validation. The community foolishly impressed by him, my feeling is that he unfortunately may have found it.
I dont even know where to begin..... i have just been reading up on sociopaths in the last couple weeks, and my ex is a sociopath with out doubt. I was his 3rd wife and have been together for 17 years, we have two children who now dont want anything to do with him. I only split properly a few weeks ago and he is now on holiday with his girlfriend and her children!!! Our children have never been on holiday! For a long time i have thought there was something not right with his reactions to things..eg our 5 year old little girl crying because she has fell of her bike. His reaction is to shout loudly at her through gritted teeth to stop crying!!! He has seven children, he has never seen or had anything to do with 5 of them. He has had hundreds of affairs with my older daughters friends and with my friends. A lot of my friends stoped comeing to visit me because of his behaviour and controling ways, i have just never been able to put a name to it before and i feel smug. Wrong i know... but iv always wanted to help him and look after him, and now i know why i couldnt. I have been beaten up, verbally abused, embarressed and emotionally crippled by this man. Im glad he has gone and my home and is a much happier place without him in it. I just feel sorry for his new girlfriend and her children. Not to sure if to seek some king of counciling for myself and my younger daughter.
sociopaths make you believe they are in pain, they play people against each other, abuse their families. I know someone who molested his own daughter and destroyed his family. Now he has three different women, when will he ever be punished for his crimes?
(split into two parts due to length, wow didn't realize I would ramble that much)
So I didn't really plan out this post, so it will almost certainly ramble, fair warning.
After reading the original post and skimming through replies and questions and comments for about an hour, I got a distinct feeling that many people were labeling others as sociopaths for behavior that, while terrible, I don't know was motivated by a lack of empathy. Many people just don't care, they know, they feel, they ignore it for themselves. And, contrary to the overwhelming feeling here, and perhaps contrary to the overwhelming number of sociopaths in the world, not all of us are evil people. The negative parts stuck onto the definitions aren't part of the clinical diagnosis. The lack of empathy, lack of sympathy, even lack of emotion itself isn't a negative in itself. Now if you take those things and you then fall prey to any more base drives, desire for things, etc, then yes the result may be very antisocial. But many of us, and I do know others, live what you would consider moral lives. I don't act moral because of the same reason you might, because of an empathy or feeling that it's right, but as an intelligent person, I know how societies work, groups of people act certain ways to each other, and that's how large groups get along. Yes, some people can cheat and get away with it, see the prisoner's dilemma psychology experiment, but for the most part society is a compact that groups form that allow us to function together. So if I came to that action through logic and knowledge rather than emotion and sympathy, is my action less proper in the world? I have no doubt it sounds cold, because yes I've had to do what most of us do, and understand how other people "work" to fit in. I've done everything from reading novels, watching plays, movies, television, to reading classic and modern works on human behavior, I've even taken many psychology and sociology classes (I ended up with a minor in psychology due to that) in order to better understand some things that many of you probably don't think about as even being something you couldn't know.
(part two of my rambling post)
I guess my main point is, someone can be a dick, can do things to hurt another person, even fairly terrible things, and not be a sociopath/psychopath/anti personality case (the definition changes frequently). And perhaps more to my particular case, someone can be a sociopath without being a serial killer, without manipulating the people around them, without torturing small animals as children or all the things you may think of.
Perhaps oddly enough, after that particular paragraph, if you've ever seen the show dexter, it's actually a fairly good look into the head of one. Now of course I just got done saying how we aren't all serial killers, but if you know the show, you know that that portion of his personality is a seperate bit, in fact he personalizes that particular part of his world as the dark passenger who needs to be quieted every now and then, and it came from an extreme trauma. But you can imagine the same person without that particular bit, which again since it's kind of a seperate part I think people can see how it could be the rest of him without the killer. Someone who goes to work, who lives a life, and often has to work in order to basically disguise who he is. Because I can tell you, very very few people know that about me, and I think you can imagine why. My family, most of my friends, the relationships I've been in (relationships are a whole different post in this context, complicated is an understatement)none know this particular fact about me.
In summary, I'm not trying to scare people, just the opposite, I'm trying to say that there are people like me out there, perhaps in your everyday life, who you would never label as a sociopath. And tossing the label of sociopath on every person that does something that harms another person is just as incorrect.
Anyway, guess that was long enough. I'll keep reading, since finding this topic has given me a chance to say something to a bigger audience that I've only gotten to talk about to a very very small number of people, and it's quite interesting (yes, I still find things interesting and even amazing, in a sense). And I'll try to answer if someone has a particular question, if I can clear some things up a bit, I'll be more than happy (and yes, I can even be happy, in a way that may differ from yours, but is it wrong?)
I have lived with a sociopath for many years. When it was first brought to my attention, I was shocked and scared and refused to acknowledge it , telling myself it was just me overreacting. It was always there in the back of my mind and never went away. It came front and centre when my marriage went from bad to worse, it was a gradual downslide and now has ended with ultimate pain and suffering. It will never stop. I feel that my spouse went on a gradual downslide too, or maybe I just fell into his trap and the nice person I married was not real. I came up with all sorts of reasons for his behaviour, all which fit into the profile of a sociopath. The sad thing is that he manages to come out looking good, and I come out looking bad. I worry for our children that they will be his victim at some point in their lives. I still love him and I want hime back, which he has told me is not going to happen, he cant stop hurting me, even now that he has won. I want the nice man I married, ( or thought I did) not this cold heartless monster. He says he doesnt want to be evil, yet he wont change his behaviour. I also know that I have to free myself from him, I just dont know how. I still hope that he can change,I know his past and his insecurities, even if he cant admit them. Whatever happened to him shaped him, his inability to deal with emotions his unhappy childhood, and how he was treated by others throughout his life. If you were to talk to him none of this would be true and it would all be my fault. I also think that it can be hereditary , and or learned. I know that sometimes it is impossible to leave for whatever reason, but if you can leave do it. It will never get better, only worse, even if they leave you alone, they will come back, once their victim always their victim. Read the books, arm yourself gather your strength and get out. In the case of a sociopath you can only fight or flight. Choose flight , it is the best option , it does not make you a coward it makes you smart and brave, for by staying you could become like them, or do things for them that you know are wrong.(I have seen it happen )( not me ).It has also been my experience that sociopaths attract other sociopaths, an extremely dangerous situation. Only fight back in extreme circumstances or where other loved ones are in danger. (you may be the only one who sees it)Dont give them the attention, it is just fodder for them , fuel to add to the fire and keep it going. I am posting this to hopefully help other people in the same or similar situation. I am not an expert but I have first hand experience. I am still working my way out of this mess and I still hold out hope that things will get better, a miracle? Maybe, but not likely, for now I wil concentrate on getting out. Beware that not all sociopaths are criminals, a lot of them are just everyday people you meet in day to day life. They seem like the best kind of people , good friends they are wonderfull, but just as dangerous as murderers or any kind of criminal. Leave and dont look back, dont blame yourself .
This is in response to Gary's comments. I have been reading this website for a year now, but have never posted before. I have recently wondered if someone like you could exist. Do you ever have a desire to hurt someone but resist the urge to get along? Do you think someone could be a sadist without necessarily being a sociopath? You said that some people just don't care about others, but I would call that selfishness, and may exist for a period of time but not there entire life, and certainly not with everyone. Most people are here because a family member is a sociopath, and there should be closeness and caring, but are making their life miserable. Is your family relationships more difficult than friends and co-workers? (I would think so).
It's scary to know how many people are sociopaths, or to know that you are one. But then again, if you are a hardcore sociopath, you wouldn't be scared that you are one. Unfortunately a part of the brain that controls emotions isn't working properly. The brain develops when you are young. Whne you are an adult, most of the pathways are hardcoded, and extremely hard to change. However, there is a glimmer of hope. Those people who become blind or have some other problem sometimes will mysteriously have their brains re-wired in such a way that other parts of the brain that normally does something else, now controls the function that they are missing. In the future, there may be ways to stimulate parts of your brain, easily. There are tests done on people that, with electrical impulses, stimulates the person's brain into being extremely euphoric and happy. They felt like there was a presence in the room and the power of love was all around them. That feels similarly like when you feel the presence of God. Even if you yourself don't believe in religion, perhaps it can help your loved ones. Think about it... you see a car in a field. How can you say this car was created by Nature? It takes a person, with a brain, to design and build the car. The same thing is true about life. So everything is just random? Or is there really a more powerful force at work here?
To Rosie, who posted on March 11, 2011 9:25 AM: I'd suggest you give your parents this website (if you are ok with them seeing your post), or you print out what the writer here has freely given us, and mail it to your parents, annonymously. They have the right to at least know your sister is a sociopath. The choice to believe in it, is up to them.
To the poster on March 25 saying that he misses being leeched upon and wonder if there's something wrong with him. That's because you haven't met someone who truly loves you. Someone who truly loves you will make you a better person. That's what true love is all about. You become a better person, they become a better person. Anything less than that, is infatuation, stupidity, whatever you want to call it. The sooner you wake up, the better it is for you. Generally, someone who's been used before, like you, will be a good companion.
And I did find that Eric interesting, if he's really a sociopath, or perhaps just some attention-hungry person, OR someone else here's multiple personality. Some of thing things that Eric commented on I agreed, like the EX who wasn't probably a sociopath, but just had some other trust issues. He doesn't post here anymore... why? It could be that he's just bored... or it could be that he's dead. Who knows?
I personally knew a sociopath idiot who tried to outdo her room mate, tried to volunteer in everything so she'd get recognized, always did fake smiles and say stupid things to make herself look like she's a good person, never apologized for anything, and always said everything wasn't her fault, and why no one likes her.
One day, when a bunch of school club members went to the park, she tried to make some food to outdo her room mate (the same food that the room mate can make very well), and when no one liked it and they asked "who did this?" she never answered LOL. That was funny.
When she moved out, she took the room mate's power cord for a device and pretended she didn't know. They also wrote a message on the board saying "ugly pigs." So we called her and went over to her house to confront her. She finally comes out with the power cord and starts crying (or at least we think she was crying...). If she hadn't come out, I would have sent out an annonymous mass email to every frikken person she and I knew and say what a loser and sociopath she was. I'm sure, even for a sociopath, that is embarrassing when EVERYONE you know gets a load of you.
To the gal who posted on January 16, 2009 7:05 AM, regarding her soon to be ex husband who is verbally abusing her. Some people do have short fuses, or even some people who long fuses, will eventually get to a point where they explode. That alone doesn't mean they are sociopaths. Have you ever considered that perhaps you truly ARE contributing to him getting upset? It's easy to just blame others, but have you seriously recorded yourself or had a third party witness give their side of the story? I have a couple of friends, who I witness, and they are exactly what you describe your situation as. The wife is the b*tchy type, so she nags all the time. She also doesn't back down from anything, not even her husband. Now, that's not very ladylike. Basically, she shames him in public. All our friends see it. I've heard them argue and he doesn't normally use profanity, but when he warns her like 3-4 times to cool down and she doesn't, he starts going off with all sorts of profanity, and says that it's her fault they are arguing, etc. Sounds just like what you're describing. Are you sure you are not contributing to him being the way he is? I'm not pointing fingers, just giving you a different point of view.
To the lady who wrote on April 28, 2011 10:41 PM regarding a man who had a child with her who doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about her. It doesn't matter if this guy is an SP or not. You need to get out of that relationship YESTERDAY. That guy is absolutely NO good to you. Your chances of getting true love by going out and bringing in a strange homeless man is higher than with this guy who obviously doesn't love you or your child. Ask yourself if that's what you REALLY want? Don't say he'll change. I hear that all the time. People HARDLY EVER change. He won't change. If you love your child, you KNOW you need to leave that guy. If your selfishness and fear of being alone for life is greater than your love for your child, then by all means, continue the road where you are going. It's like you're headed for a cliff, on a dark stormy night, and you see it falling off, but yet you continue. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. I know many people who are in similar situations. It never ends well, no matter how much he begs you. Think about your child. Would you rather have your child live in a situation where there's no love coming from one parent, or one where there's plenty of love coming from you. Sure, she won't have her dad, but obviously you don't want your child to learn the bad things from her father, or else this vicious cycle will never end. She might end up abused as she grows up. Once that happens, you can NEVER undo that.
Is a sociopath capable of any form of warm affection for an animal? I am asking because I have met an individual who seems to have a lot of characteristics of a sociopath, however, he has a dog and seems to be "in love" with it. He even calls it his "only love" and his current girlfriend said she had accepted the fact that the dog came first. Interestingly, practically the only thing the person in question told me about his dog is this: "The dog is so brilliant, it literally understands everything I tell it and it will execute whatever I ask it, even highly complicated commands." Any ideas anyone?
To anyone that cares to listen...
Reaching out to a sociopath, trying to show them you love them or care about them will do nothing more than put a target on your back and stamp the word "SUCKER" on your forehead. This will be your biggest vulnerability. This is also why family members have such a hard time letting go.
You think if you show them you care and love them, remind them of how they were brought up in such a loving home, they will develop a desire to change. This isn't going to happen. You may even hang on to that one little hope that somewhere deep inside they are a decent caring person. They're not and they're never going to be.
Close that door of vulnerability. Follow your gut instincts and call 'em as you see 'em. Don't worry about hurting their feelings, they don't have any. If they start with the big 'ol crocodile tears, yell at them "Knock that shit off!" It'll usually stop. If it doesn't, just walk away. You should walk away anyway, but I know how hard that can be.
They may even threaten suicide to try and make you feel guilty. In my experience, they think too much of themselves to do anything like that. I believe every state has some type of law that will commit them involuntarily for about 3 days for threats of suicide. Use this.They threaten suicide, you call the authorities.
This may seem like a harsh post, but it's absolutely necessary to grow a backbone. Take that target off your back and stop being a sucker. YOUR life is what's most important.
To all those out there who are in custody battles of children with a sociopath: After 5 therapist and/or counselors, we have had very good luck with a forensic psychologist. Getting the court to order his evaluation was a God send! This psychologist had the sociopath pegged just from the emails and texts that were documented. And also after talking with the eldest child. We are expecting a favorable report. Here's keeping our fingers crossed as he will be submitting report to the court only.
(MDC) I have wasted a year of my life trying to understand my sociopathic boyfriend, bouncing backwards and forwards, never really knowing if things were on or off, a life of complete instability and total confusion, despite him offering me the contrary. I've heard it all, the hollow promises, the big plans for the future, the proposals of marriage. All of it is an illusion. All of it is nothing short of manipulative lies, like dangling the carrot in front of the donkey!
I can see clearly the things he has done, not just to myself but to others around him as well. None of his family have much to do with him and his so called friends seem to give him a wide berth.
I have decided to cut my losses, deep down I can't say that I even like him as a person anymore. I find him boring as he talks about himself incessantly, who he has met, who he knows, where he's been, what he's done etc etc He tells lies constantly and without conscience!. It must be a souless existence and in some ways I do feel some pity for those cursed with this affliction.
I have learned that sociopaths will have you existing in a world of blurry confusion where you really don't know who you are anymore. Gas lighting and manipulating until you start to doubt your better judgement. 'I never said that ...' 'That's not what I meant by ...' 'You have misunderstood me ...' twisting and turning the facts into obscurity until you don't know what the truth really is anymore.
People say that it is best to cut all contact, and I am inclined to agree with that but it is alot easier said than done. I am currently ignoring something like 100 texts a day, ranging from 'what a wonderful person I am' to 'how I should rot in hell for destroying his dream'. It's very hard not to react to this kind of verbal abuse but I realise that it is important that I don't. It's all about control for him and the quicker I can regain control of my own life, the faster I can remove this parasite indefinitely and the harm he has caused.
The best piece of advice I received from a friend was so simple 'Remember who you are!' I had become so entangled in his web of lies and deceit that I had forgotten who I really was. My identity, along with my confidence had gradually been eroded away. And my perception of things in general had been jaded by his constant gas lighting and mind games.
I hope that I am now on the road to complete freedom, although I expect various forms of abuse to come my way yet as it is early days. I have taken the first steps and have cut all contact, no longer making excuses for his past behaviour and seeing him for what he really is.I have taken back the control I had so freely given away. His reign of terror is over! (for me anyway!)
I was married to a physician who I have subsequently always described as a sociopath, because he was. Cold heart, no capacity for normal human emotion (always had to observe other peoples' emotional responses to situations to learn how to mimic that), complete lack of empathy for others, complete lack of responsibility toward obligations to others, total dedication to never playing by the rules because those rules didn't apply to him (because he was special), yet always requiring and receiving alot of support (enabling) from everyone around him. This article is right: the only way to deal with a person like this is to completely eliminate them from your own existence.
thank you so much for this article it truly opened my eyes and now I think I'm ready to shut the man that I have been in love with for a long time out of my life. Finally I could put the pieces together and now I understand so many things. I'm disgusted by how he used my trust and by how he is just doing this to win and see me sad. Of course there's a part of me that still wants to believe that he has a conscience but there have been too many times when he has proven that he has not. I'm scared that he won't leave me alone because he told me so often that I'm the most caring and warmhearted person (it's true I've always wanted his best, cared about him and was there for him) and that he thinks that because of fate we will always end up together. Back then these words were beautiful but hearing them now knowing that sociopaths target caring warmhearted persons and won't stop until they are broken those words really scare me. But I WILL shut him out, I will tell him that he has hurt me so much in the past and when he apologizes like always I will say: no you are NOT sorry and those will be my last words to him. Thank you again for this article and for all the people on here sharing their stories! All the best from Europe
i think i am working with more than just one what should i do?
I think i work with more than one sociopath and i am unable to leave due to the fact i have children.
Keep looking for a better job, and in the meantime, keep your head down and use these techniques when dealing with the sociopaths:
http://www.youmeworks.com/hhpwbyd.html
Good luck to you.
As someone who dealt with a sociopath for years, all I can say is Amen to everything you said. No two sociopaths are the same, but all they want to do is win.
My ex girlfriend is more or less a sociopath. I think its different for woman than for men in some areas.
-lying right to your face like nothing
-secretive for no reason
-promiscuous at all times
-parasitic lifestyle, gold digger
-grandiose self image
-superficial and shallow
-sizes people up amazingly but
-oblivious to emotional ques
-could sit and watch a baby get tortured
-excuses for everything
-always bored
-weird anger fits
-drug, alcohol, and sex addiction
-shameless but concerned about her image
-all her friends have 'uses' as she puts it
-'poor me' stories at all times
-suicide talk and some half attempts
Really my only question is, how to best battle a Sociopath.
I'd like to know what gets to these types of people since they dont have normal emotional vulnerabilities.
If you're trying to battle a sociopath or "get to" her, she's got you.
Get away and stay away. Go on with your life and enjoy it. Don't try to get even. Just get her completely out of your life.
whats gets to them is having LESS ACCESS to getting to more objects to dupe or control.
Hi I have a question for the sociopaths. I'm dating someone who I think might be a sociopath. We dated for 2 years and he verbally and physically abused me. Recently he kicked me out of his house in the middle of night, but said he felt remorse for that. I threatened him into giving me money that he owed my parents. Now he wants the money back and he says he will stop at nothing to get it back. In this situation, what would you do to win.
Thank you very much for this well-written article. I have recently come to the conclusion that a friend of mine is a sociopath and am a little nervous about ending my relationship with him; I don't want him to become dangerous toward me. You said "Just get the sociopath out of your life with as little fanfare as possible." That is exactly right. When you are dealing with someone like this, it doesn't matter how much of an asshole they have been, how angry you are at them, they are unstable and it's best to avoid pissing them off. My friend will move on to other people he will leech off of and prey upon, and I hate to think of his future victims, but there's nothing I can do. He's been arrested for some minor crimes but hasn't done anything that's bad enough to get him put in jail (yet)... Unfortunately the law doesn't allow for preventative measures to be taken. -Gioia B.
Dez
I am married to some kind of moran.
The first few years where total bliss. Never meet a person as compassionate honest as I! Bingo it has been a rollercoaster if hell now for 4 years. First I thought it was alcohol abuse. See my husband had 1 dwi before I met him now he got 2 more. A court date is pending . Well I can breath now and figure out my next move see because he is deployed for army. Not for humanatarain purposes only to try and get out of dwis.
I havebeen blamed for everything . I blew it off as he is very inmature. Plus the fact I am a susessful business owner. So I don't have time for stupid.
Now I havebeen attacted and fought back. Bad idea as he dislocated my ribs.
Plus the fact he blames me and told everyone that we were playing. Well guess what I have documetaion from the docter my truth. He took a checkbook of mine almost depleating it of 5 grad. I confrounted him he attacked me and someone heard my screams of help. 911 team was there and I said catch it and I pressed charges. We were apart for three months he begged n pleaded said he was being deployed a felony with 3 dwis one got still on probation. Well yes would ruin his military career. So I dropped it and he said he would get help. Yes I too IT back. I watched his behavior close Btw I am an animal behavior specialist. He plays real games on the net. He was hidding something my gut told. We are 45 me 47 him. I caught him while we were apart he shacked up with a 65 year old rich lady ! Oh that was my fault to. He said if I showed him as much affection I do all my horses it would never of happen. Shocked I say nothing this is a joke or a really bad dream un my head.His mother is ILL he says oh well we all got to die. I try to converse with him on a relationship level forget it. Emotions where did they go. I see now everyone is to blame ge even say his middle name starts with G for God I said newsflash mine begins with G also for Goddess!What a joke. He can take any test and pass but he has nothing to show for his life the last X made sure of that! He is drunk all the time. He came home for two days this Easter! He abused me and his daughter called us bad names. Well for all you mental dysfunction peeps. I have a CCW! Ran upstairs told his 17 year old daughter pack. He started up the stairs but I told him bad idea holding my pistol, I will not kill you but I will hurt you. The only reason I did nor call cops because I new he was going in army training for deployment . Lmao right now he is in the Iraq . I called his Comander, Chaplin.
Wow now IT is mad as hell hahaha! The kicker is two that are over him in rank are woman. Now it hits me as he called all women sluts even at the TV. Yes I felt hurt pain beged n pleaded with him I got no remorse understand it was a bad deal. They yes I went to therapy I have no full blown disorder. I have always turned my pain to angry which helps me cope and work harder.
Now I get the most amussing disfunctinal inmature emails. A comedian would have a hay day. Plus the fact he has to do what he is told as for sending me flowers on our anversery. Oh it that didn't blow his gaskets plus the fact he has to pay me money for our home. I constantly tell him to get help no I am the problem his view. Now I am trying to get everthing as fast as can together for he left big messes. I am even looking for a rottwieler for protection till I figure out how to get out of the mess I let him get me into!
I am cluless what disorder my husband has I know alcohol there is something else not right with him then just booze.
For all you people with disorders that pick on weak emotional caring others. Take heed for you may encounter a person like me that you might have knocked down for the moment. I asure you I get up brush myself off. Fine a way to throw you in jail or put you out of your missery. Then after the fact I will have remorse!
I have had a relationship with a sociopath for 10 years and one child with this person. I did not know he was a sociopath, but after several years of thinking I was crazy and in the middle of our divorce, I asked his father why he acted the way he did and said the hurtful things he did, yet had no remorse and acted like it never happened, his father then revealed he was diagnosed as a sociopath at the age of 12. They had lots of problems with him and his siblings and eventually had to send him to his grandmothers to keep him away from the other children....he had been in trouble with the law when he had threatened to kill the family... but the story my ex gave me then was about a car he was driving when his parents went on vacation and a neighbor thought it was stolen...
I now have to worry about my child I had with him...I am glad to say she does have feelings and remorse...but we still have issues with the other things such as manipulation and making things up or being very creative to get her way...we are working with her and we are making progress.... I hope she will not get worse...she is very fast on thinking up things and responding and saying things before she thinks them thru. All I have to say is get away from the sociopath and I hope you do not have children with them....since this is a genetic inheritance.
Hi. I am a teacher of 25 years. I recently discover a family of 3. Step Mom, Dad (biological) and Son the social path. I usually find many parenting issues when I find a student with lots of behavior problems. The parents believe their son is a social path. I have not found significant issues with the parents. The male student seems to be a text book case. I believe he is a social path at the age of 9. You fall in love with him with in the first day. He is cute , great smile, very articulate, and extremely intelligent. By the end of the week you understand why the parents have given up and want to ship him out of state to relatives. I want to try and save him. My wife and I would be able to provide a very stable situation. Our children are older and two are still home. We are both teachers and see though most of his deceptions. I hate to see this extremely capable person go to waste. Eric what advice do you have to help us help him. Maybe the answer is, "sorry this is a really bad idea."
I just wanted to tell you that I think this article may have saved my life. Literally.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm a sociopath.Wonder, because I still have some "normal" behaviour, but I DO recognize myself on sociopathy more than I wanted to. It's shitty to admit, but I AM an compulsive liar and I'm always apologizing and doing all the things wrong again. But, in fact, i DO have feelings. I love, I have friends, I support my family. I'm just not guilty of anything wrong I do.Even when I know I'm wrong I'm blaming the others so I can save my face. I'm always building castles and castles of lies, and everytime someone "discovers" a lie, I create one even bigger so I can escape. Sometimes I get myself thinking about how I always screw up the life of the ones who love me, and I feel like a totally heartless person.Despite the fact that I DO love, I'm a total sociopath. I despise other people's feelings, I lie, I'm always blaming the others, always with that feeling that I'll never get caught, always creating more and more things, always using person. Man, will I always be like this? Even if I don't fit in that disorder, what if that's who I am? What am I supposed to do? It's pretty hard when you identify in yourself a disorder who describes "vicious, cynical people" and the only recommendation to the people who know a sociopath is "GET THIS PERSON OUTTA YOUR LIFE IMMEDIATELY" . I'm always wanting to win, I'm always in that extreme boredom people describe as a sociopath's characteristic,I'm always using, manipulating and being fake to see if I can get someone's simpathy, I do not feel guilty for being who I am, and somehow I feel superior. But god damnit, I expected more of life. I fill in each and every requisition for being a sociopath, except for still caring about a few people, even if I tend to use them. Sometimes I wonder if that love is another lie I told myself, but it isn't.What kind of person am I?
just read the posts of the girl from Canada, and I really saw myself on her. I want to change, and a part of me just want me to be a "selfish bitch" and not a sociopath because that way I could fix myself. And I really identified myself when she said that her regret was shallow and like "okay, I won't do it again". I've just posted a text about me being a compulsive liar and wanting to win all time, but still loving a few people (but still, sometimes using them when I can't control myself or just lapse controling me for some time) From now on, if someone wants to reply me, call me Dissociative.
(Wendi) The word "sociopath" came to my attention while hearing co-workers discuss the Casey Anthony trial. I decided to learn more about the condition and found this web site.
For many years I have wondered about my daughter. She is beautiful, funny, intelligent, etc. I answered "yes" to all but one of the questions on the list of traits. I have always felt that she lacks the ability to show remorse or empathize with others. I have three other children (she is the youngest) and none of them show any of these traits. I made her move out of our home when she was 19. I finally got to the point that I knew she was ruining the quality of life for everyone else in our household and told her she had to leave. Two weeks later, she was pregnant. I told her that she still could not come back to live with us, as I knew that her actions were never going to change. She lived with others and finally got an apartment with the "baby daddy" just before the baby was born. The father walked out just before my granddaughter turned one. I still did not take her back. She lived with friends for four months. When they asked her to leave, I allowed her and the baby to move back in with me as I felt that the baby would have a MUCH better environment in my home.
Long story short, two years later, nothing has changed. I know that my daughter loves her daughter, but she cannot seem to put the baby's NEEDS before her own DESIRES. I am miserable living with my daughter again, but know that my granddaughter will be living in an unsafe, unhealthy environment if they leave. Casey Anthony reminds me so much of my daughter, it is scary. I have been told that I should kick my daughter out and take legal measures to take my granddaughter from her. I don't want to do that. I love my daughter and want her to have a happy, healthy life. I just know that I have tried everything I can think of and nothing works. I've tried bargaining, crying, threatening, yelling, bribing, reverse phsycology... Everything that I could possibly think of. Nothing works with her. I pour out my soul to her and I always feel like I'd get more emotional response from the wall. My quality of life is close to awful, but I refuse to abandon my granddaughter. I am out of ideas.
Eric, I believe my nephew is a card carrying sociopath. Out of the 13 questions, I answered YES to all of them. He doesn't learn from his "mistakes" as his mother calls them. He is 22 years old and he has from age 12 - stolen 3 cars, broken into 4 houses and 2 stores, is a drug addict, stolen checks and forged $4000 from his mother, $2500 from his grandparents, and $125 from his cousin who finally called the cops and his mother got him into a program. His mother is always cleaning up his "mistakes". She refused to face the fact that her son is a lost cause, according to her, her son is just misunderstood. It is ALWAYS, someone else fault, he is NEVER responsible for anything. She has bankrupted herself and now that she has power of attorney of our mother's accounts, she is now bankrupting my mother. I don't know what to do. My mother doesn't know that she is now broke! Any advice from anyone as to what to do next???
In a five year legal battle with a person I now stongly suspect is a sociopath. We have negotiated, made agreements, been in court multiple times and the result is for her to not honor the agreements or even the demands of the judge and still yet ask us to negotiate with her further (always for her gain). We show documents that prove our claims and she will not accept them even when upheld by a judge. In the time period of one single meeting she will adjust her claims or story to make the outcome of the conversation in her favor even if the answers contradict one another. If you get to a point, ie mediation, where she just can not win she turns red, starts to shake and will just leave rather than give in. Up until now we have tried to deal with her as if she were rational and have completely not understood how she can lie (even in court and to authorities) without a hint of guilt. Looks you straight in the eye while doing it. It is something I have never seen before. And I believe I am finally after all this time realizing that you can not negotiate with this type person, they always want more and truely believe they are entitled to it. We have dumped a small fortune into trying to settle with her. It appears she is winning her battle of control if you count mental distress and the cost. I am thinking we need to avoid negotiations and just look for a ruling so that any tug of war is eliminated. Any ideas on this?
Reading this blog has helped me develop a fuller understanding of the disorder, so thank you. Still, I'd like to get a second opinion on a friend of mine.
We went to school together but were never close friends. He started dating a girl I knew which lasted a year or two. He had apparently cheated on her several times and she tried to end the relationship. He resisted and became mentally and physically abusive towards her and her family which lasted months. Eventually, he let her go.
Following the demise of their relationship, he started pursuing me as a friend. I let him into my life and he joined my circle of friends. He has remained a friend of mine for about a decade. In that time, I've witnessed the following:
*He has often been overly aggressive & even violent in public
*He used to drive his car dangerously no matter who the passenger was until he lost his licence a few times
*He hasn't held a job for more than a couple of months in the last 5 years and as far as I can tell, he sleeps all day long.
*He tries to manipulate/corrupt people into doing things they shouldn't
*He drinks heavily, does drugs and is addicted to prostitutes
*He has destroyed/lost my and other people's property
*He has abused my trust by telling my girlfriend things I didn't want her to know
*He seeks pity/sympathy when people start to lose contact with him, stories of childhood abuse, neglect, threatens to commit suicide, tells me how I insulted him once even though I don't remember the incident etc.
*He tells lies. I suspect he has told many, but here are two: 1) He told a friend of a friend that he is a property investor and that he owned 4 properties. He was living with his mum at the time and had no job. 2) He told me and a friend he might have AIDS and that he wouldn't know the results for some months. The next week he told us he'd picked up a girl the night before and had sex with her. I called him up on it and he shrugged it off as if nothing had happened.
*This might be the clincher. He is emotionally and physically abusive towards his mother. He is incredibly lazy and unmotivated, but happens to have a loving, wealthy mother who constantly enables him. She used to willingly spoil him, but now I suspect he uses emotional blackmail to exploit her for the money he needs to live his carefree life.
1. Is he a sociopath?
2. I'm currently taking steps to rid him from my life, but I'm concerned about my other friends and especially his mother who seems to be at a complete loss. Should I avoid any interventions with friends/his mother?
Any advice would be much appreciated.
I wasn't sure what to call it until an ex-sociopath confronted me with this. It wasn't until my friend told me about sociopaths; he used to be a sociopath when he was younger. I have had someone in my life for about 10 years now. He doesn't want a relationship or anything with me; he is 25, jobless and believes he can get to the top with ease. He basically likes to keep me around. He is egocentric, cunning, rude, has no moral conscience, no empathy, nothing. He has put me down about my weight, my appearances, my life, my choices, my family, my friends etc. I was always abnormal to him. He tried to diagnose me with several social dysfunctions as if I was the crazy one. After several times of cutting him out of my life, he would always argue that he had done nothing at all and that it was me all along. He had used me for sexual pleasure while trying to keep me from seeing other men. He had tried to convince me that everyone in my life was fake and that he was the only real person I had. He hooked-up with my friends knowing that he has control of me and that I would react. He has created so much drama out of pure boredom. He manipulates to the point I look like a crazy person. He is basically like a salesperson that knows how to talk and knows how to control the situation and sell you their lies. It like you are constantly being fed crap that you know isn’t right or true, but he is so manipulative that you will believe his word. It’s a game to them. They win you lose every single time. I had fallen so deeply and emotionally attached to him that I did everything to make him want me. He has no remorse and states several times that I need him in my life. I see it more clearly now that I have let the emotion go. Slowly and slowly I detach myself from any past memory with him. I believe that when I figured out what this was, I was able to steer myself away from him. I am afraid of the danger involved with a sociopath. I don’t want to confront him. No matter what you do in your power to change, you cannot change with a sociopath in your life. And I agree with Adam Khan, you cannot get even; they have you. You need to completely cut them out, and not look back which I am in the process of doing. - Jenn
Like she said - run and run fast, before you cannot! I was involved with seductivly charming, flamboyant, flattering, narrsasisstic and remorseless man who I always (in the beginning) felt great pitty for and a desire to help as he was so "obviously" just unjustly persucuted by everybody else in his life. Wow was I wrong - very shorty after he began to portray me as the persucutor to myself and everone else. It was I who forced him to lie, cheat, steal and shrink all normal human responsibilities and interactions - litterally!. Our whole involvement was a sham and I the decieved - infact I even remember where I was standing when the light bulb went on and I saw it for what it was - deception.But unfortunatly I was already with child. A child, which he now told me he had said he wanted because that is what he thought I wanted to hear - but he did not mean it. Run. Things got worse and worse - lies, infiedeltity, financial deception, durgs and alcohol and everyting else unsavory you can imagine. Total mayhem and all the while he was conflictingly saying it was because I would not help him or understand that he had nine lives like a cat and would always land on his feet, it was my fault he lied, my fault he cheated (no end to the womwn he could convince it was a goog idea to join him in commiting adultry), my fault he could not be involved with our family - poor him he was just the victim. It took years and years to get away mentally and only under the most extreme situations repeatedly happening - to the point where his extramarital conquests came after me - as of course he had made them see me as the threat and not him - I the wife became the threat to the mistresses - and of cousre he had to leave them - or else - ambigiously from me - but they were addicted too - without clarity. he played all - but when one of them threatened our lives - I faced the facts. Funny but- I can still feel pity for him - but then again i am not the sociopath. This uninvolved man then proceeded to further destruct our lives - using the legal system and money - to portray himself as the victim and wreck further havoc - all for something he really did not want - but of course could not let anyone else he happy with- he has a new woman now to play the fall guy - poor thing- she is so happily convinced she has her man - I wonder if she stops to think about the way she has been invested in the war against me - war for moving on and away from the manipulation - in all aspects of life. He has his new manipulation circle now - all feeling sorry for him the vicitm and unwittingly helping him in his selfish vindictive pursuits to hurt others - they cant even see it (lies, cheat and steal) is being done to them, even as they help him - the unwon conquest of me will always be there in his remoreless mind but of course to the new blinded and charmed victims I am the agressor - and poor guy he needs their help and all will he well - he is really just such a good guy - its everybody else that is hard on him - NOT ! - Run Run Run
So, what should we, as a society, do about these people? Can they be allowed to manipulate the unsuspecting? What can be done to not deprive them of their rights, yet preclude their abusing others' rights?
What should we do about sociopaths? Great question. Here's what we can do:
What You Can Do About Sociopaths
What in the world do you do if you feel this " so called sociopath" is your 30 year old son now just in the middle of a divorce.For years we have had him attend therapy,but now he has made his adult life a mess and continues to drain our finances and emotions.He is our only Son,how can I cut ties with my only child?
i love you all
I would like to know if there is a possibility of sociopathic children to “grow” out of it. Or "supress" it somehow? I’m asking because, at 15, for majority of my childhood I had quite a track record for wrecking other people’s lives. But that record ended once I turned 12. I have clear and distinct memories of being a manipulative, phlegmatic, little bitch but a charming little angel when necessary. Manipulation was like a compulsion, an instinct. I didn‘t have to think about it. I just did it. I couldn't have stopped even if I'd wanted to. I’ve been reading about the tendencies and symptoms of a sociopath on this site and I have to say I displayed a good portion of them. I was a sociopath. No doubt about it in my mind. If I wanted something, I got it. No one got in my way. And if they tried, I destroyed them. I had no guilt, no remorse, no anything. But then, one day I suddenly woke up with a conscience. Literally. But I was under the impression that there wasn’t a cure or whatever. That one was born this way and stayed that way for the rest of their natural born lives. I wouldn’t consider myself a sociopath now. Granted, I do have to make a conscious effort not to lie, cheat, and manipulate those around me for my own purposes, but that’s a start, right? And even though my effort is strenuous, frustrating, and beginning to piss me off, my control and self restraint is excellent. With the nagging discomfort I still feel for my past transgressions, I believe this discomfort is “guilt”, I have taken care not to hurt the feelings of others as much as possible. Honestly, I see why a compassionate human being couldn’t hurt a stranger, this “guilt” crap is a pain in the ass. I would prefer things to be the way they were, my conscience has locked me inside some kind of “moral” cage. I can’t bring myself to force someone else down on their knees in tears for my own gratification anymore. I can't even do it out of boredom. Not without this incessant nagging of discomfort in the back of my head or in my stomach. I don’t like it. I would like to know if anyone has any theories as to why this has happened to me.
What should I do? I'm only 16, and after reading the things on this website and doing some faimly reasearch I realized that BOTH of my parents are sociopaths. How the hell that happened, I have no idea. They're not together. They're both destructive. And they both have their attention focused solely on me. I live with my grandmother, but she's old and she's not all there. If it wasn't for my older cousin, who's a lawyer, either one or both of them would have taken total and complete advantage of her by now. But even though I don't live with either of them, and my cousin kind of watches over me she has her own life, and my parents still find ways to make my life miserable. I thought I was going to go completly insane. You guys say cut them out of your life, but how am I suppose to do that when they keep popping up everywhere. My teachers love them, my friends love them, hell even my boyfriend loves them! It's sickening and whenever I make a huge deal about them being around, the people I care about turn on me saying stuff like "They're your parents. They love you. Sure they've made some mistakes, but they're trying to do right by you. Why won't you give them a chance?" Stuff along those lines and that drives me up the freaking wall. I can't take it anymore. Any advice? Please help me.
To the 16 year old: First of all, read the book, The Sociopath Next Door.
And keep your head down. Don't make any waves with your parents. Don't tell anyone (but maybe your closest friend) that you suspect your parents are sociopaths. And quietly and persistently make preparations to get away from your parents for good. Make sure they will never be able to find you. Get away and start a new life as soon as you are able.
Finding Martha Stout's book, "The SOciopath NExt Door," has been a miracle. I'm 50 and have had a lifetime of trouble out of my own mother and both my sisters.
Now that I'm grown and married they not only hate me, they don't care for my husband and they scrutinize with scornful comments over all we do, even our young-adult children are at risk of their mean comments & manipulations.
Several times I've discovered their various deceptions (or either someone tried to give me the "heads up" to what they were doing) and in wounded response I'd back off and given them zero contact! During these times, they would tell others that I don't bring my family around because I think I am better than everyone else.
And then after many months or even a year or more of staying away, my mother will contact me and coax me into coming to the family get-together, saying "let by-gones be by-gones, we're not perfect, but we're family." So I give in and without fail, the trouble starts up all over again, the lies, the deceptions, the hateful, terse commentary they spew to others about me and mine.
Frustrating is that they do succeed in swaying other relatives to think us as being unfair and odd, even "unChristian" by staying away. I used to feel guilty when others seemed to disapprove that my family & I want zero contact--and this made me question if I was being extreme or if there was something wrong with me! My Mother even had the nerve once when I was having nothing to do with her, she contacted MY HUSBAND AT HIS WORK, BEHIND MY BACK and told him she was concerned that I may have some mental problems and then asked him to keep it a secret that she called him! That was the first nail in her coffin.
Just for some background:
My MOTHER-- I should have known when I was 5 years old how my life would go with her. It was at age 5 when she knew I wanted a ponytail, she said just the 2 of us would go shopping together, she took me to a hair salon and had the lady cut off my hair like a boy while I sobbed hysterically. She's known for her lying and I've never known her to have a friend. She stole money from her elderly parents. She turns my sisters against me since childhood and presides over, allowing and encouraging and joining in conflict against me and would not hesitate to screw with me in the ultimate way I fear--which is that she'll some day try to get my kids against me.
I've got a nice, normal life and friends who say I am good and kind.
THIS BOOK is a lifesaver, it sealed the deal in my mind that the only healthy choice is to end this completely and cut off all contact forevermore. Please pray for us that they'll leave us be.
Living with and ending a relationship with a sociopath left me with a similar feeling to post traumatic stress. Although our relationship was very brief in comparison to others who have suffered and shared their stories, sociopaths can do major damage in a short period of time.
My sociopath was able to gain control of the relationship very quickly due to the fact that we reconnected after 25 years over 100's of hours on the phone after being very close friends in high school and having a brief love affair a couple of years later. To me, he was the same man I knew 25 years ago...it never occurred to me that this person was a cold and calculating manipulator. I thought we were in love and on and incredible adventure to the future and a start for a brand new life for him, unaware that he was merely inviting me to his pity party and mirroring all of my hopes and dreams to his so that he could catch me at my most vulnerable. Imagine my surprise to find that the man I invited to come and share my life with me and give him a new start on life would turn out to be someone that I did not even recognize. An absolute predator and master manipulator. Although I knew that he was not the man I fell in love with after about a week of living together...I hung in there and was tangled in his web of love and manipulation. Thank goodness and this is how my friend described them as "angels, unaware," a pimp and his posse showed up at my door saying that my "husband" owed money to one of his "ladies". It's strange to be so grateful to such despicable people.
Luckily I realized the truth after only 6 weeks of living together, however, I am still waiting for him to leave town before I can truly feel like I can stop looking over my shoulder.
Thanks for this article and for everyone who has the courage to share their story. It's not easy for me to admit that I was a victim of a sociopath but having this information made it so much easier for me to move forward and never look back.
Hi all, just found this site, and it is enlighteneing, I'm in my 2nd Marriage, and with a wonderful woman, and have been absolutely hammered by my ex wife. We had 3 daughters together, one has lived with me since the seperation of the first wife, the other 2 spent more time with me than their Mother. I could never understand my first wifes actions and in the last few years of that marriage it became stranger. She took me to court to fugh over the 2 younger Daughters, made such a good case about my so called abuse that I wasn't allowed to see them for a while, simultaneously, she made no attempt at getting custody of the eldest, they are all teenagers. Going back to being hammered, and by not going into what she did earlier in the peace, I mean hammered, I had interference in all aspects of my life, I had police knocking on my door 30 odd court cases I got arrested twice, I was stalked both on the street and on the internet (probably still) I believe she poisoned me , police saw my blood tests but dont have enough evidence yet, I was intimidated harrassed, she alienated me from almost everyone I knew right back to school days, alienated me from family, it just goes on and on, but my real concern is, the 2 daughters, still being forced by the courts to be with her 50% of the time, they dont want to be anywhere near their Mother, but the courts dont see her yet as a sociopath, they think my allegations of her is just hatred of her.
Hi Adam. I've always been appalled by my mother in law's behavior. Sometimes I chalked it up to her being the typical mother-in-law, but your profile on sociopaths is dead on.
The statement "They leave a path of confusion and upset in their wake" couldn't be truer in her case. When my husband first told his mother we were dating, she complained about me to anyone who would listen and I hadn't yet met her or even set foot in their town. By the time I was introduced to her family and friends, I was met with disdain, distrust, and some really illogical accusations about my intentions with my now spouse. It quickly became obvious to me that she was up to no good. By the time we were married, the tension was at a fever pitch. Had I not recognized her attempts to incite others, things could have potentially turned violent. In addition to assassinating my character, she also threatened physical violence and had others approach me in an aggressive manner. I finally reach the end of my rope and told my husband to talk to her. She coolly told my husband that she liked me, she didn't have a problem with me, and she wondered why I would think there was a problem. Of course he believed her and thought I was being unreasonable. I was livid! She managed to convince a multitude of people that the root of her animosity towards me was that I was harming her son, yet denied to him that she ever had a problem with me. It's like I'm dealing with a child who throws stones and hides their hands. One thing that baffles me is how no one said a peep about me to my husband while all of this was going on. I refuse to believe that everyone genuinely believed that I was out to "get" him, but were not concerned enough to warn him about me. It's as if everyone was in on the lie. They act as if none of this ever happened as well, but their attitudes towards me depends on hers.
Good news is that I made steps to slowly excommunicate MIL and her minions from my life after that incident. My husband tried to give me an ultimatum to interact with his mother more, but I've been using his social reluctance and general laziness as an excuse to buy time away from his family. She'd only met my family twice, both times without incident, yet still badmouthed us as if we were uncivilized and would make trouble for her. She also brought up a hilarious story I told her about my mom years earlier and twisted it as if it were a recent scandal. After that, my family agreed that she was a persona non grata, so no awkward joint family dinners.
There is so much more to her story (like multiple bankruptcies, consecutive job terminations in as many years, guilting family into paying past due bills she never intended on paying,etc) but I fear there is not enough space on your page to document all the wrong she has done to the people around her. The amount is truly startling!
After reading so much info on this subject, I think I have finally found out what is wrong with my 18yr old daughter...it's sad and very scary.
I answered 'yes' to all but one of the traits/questions. The compulsive unnecessary lying is incredible and a trait she inherited from her father (my ex of nine years)and just like all other sociopaths, she shows absolutely no concern for hurt she causes her family on a daily basis.
The kids chose to move in with their narcissistic/sociopathic father three years ago as his enticement with gifts & money finally got the better of them...which hurt me tremendously.
My daughters behaviour escalated rapidly; the way she manipulates adults into feeling sorry for her, the fake tears, tantrums, lies, everything...she has taken to binge drinking, is very vocal about her homosexuality, takes her sisters clothing and other belongings and denies it. She has told me numerous times how much she hates me and it is only ever because I havent given into her demands eg: telling me how much I had to pay for her 18th party, where it was going to be etc and how I wasn't allowed to attend as she didn't want a scene between her father and I (he STILL cannot come to terms with the fact he lost me 9years ago, when I finally woke up to his horrid sociopathy).
I love my daughter immensely but I am so very scared for her. She is about to do her HSC but will fail the exam dismally as she only attends school for the social side and to annoy the hell out of her teachers. She has no plans for employment but currently works a few hours for Red Rooster...
When little, she use to be extremely close to her older brother and younger sister. Now, they cannot stand the sight of her as she is apparently hell to live with. Recently, she has taken to 'pranking' me with texts or phone calls at around 2am, I fell for it the first couple of times thinking she'd been in an accident or something horrible had happened to her.
When she answered the phone drunk and denied calling or texting me, I reminded her of the 'boy who cried wolf' once to often. I now sleep with my phone on silent mode and do not reply to her disrespectful texts or prank calls.
I want to have a relationship with her but I cannot trust her ever again. She only ever wants to see me if there is some gain for her..eg I may buy her lunch, drive her to the shopping centre where she will run into friends she had 'no idea' would be there and go off with them, or to intimidate an ex partner etc...its so hurtful and she couldn't care less.
She has no conscience whatsoever and that scares me. The only half good thing is, that her father is now suffering his penance! hahaha He gave me hell and made up some horrendous lies about me, told friends I had affairs, told our kids the same thing and worse, in order for them all to turn against me. He wanted the kids so badly, now he has them he wishes he didn't! She is making their life hell.
Unfortunately I moved 250km away to be closer to my elderly parents and to make a fresh start..I wish my son and younger daughter (20 & 16) would move in with me and my partner but work opportunities are pretty scarce where I live. They would move in if I lived closer to them. Now I am torn with my emotions about having moved away too soon...
They absolutely hate their sister which saddens me but I understand why.
Everything I have read about this topic is my child to a tee; that's pretty scary considering she is only just 18. She has all her relatives feeling sorry for her as her father threw her out not so long ago..it last 3 days. She lies to them about the way she is treated by her parents and they get sucked into her trap so easily.
Is there anything I can do to help my daughter? I feel like I have already lost her...
The question of kids is the hardest one, mainly because nobody seems to know what to do about it. We're got a work in progress here:
The Question of Kids
Hi there,
I have a question regarding my ex, who I have been helping lately after he appeared to go through a depressive episode that nearly bankrupted his business. He is extremely paranoid, has difficulty feeling depth of emotion/love, and has a string of failed relationships to his name both before and after ours.
Talking the other night, I suggested to him that some of the things he says to me sound sociopathic. He does not appear to have any internal moral compass, is sexually promiscuous, and claims to be clueless to the hurt he is causing others, even when there is clear evidence of it presented to him. He seemed genuinely distressed that he might be sociopathic, and we researched a little online and he gave me what appeared to be some honest answers regarding his inability to empathise with people. He read the diagnostics and confessed he thought it all sounded a lot like him. This appeared to upset him for a few minutes, but then he began to seem very calm and relieved about it. He also told me that he intellectually appreciated the business support I had given him the past month, but he felt no actual thankfulness towards me. Intrigued, I asked him how he would feel if I chose to withdraw this help, and he thought for a time and said that he wasn't sure he would care. He would know he should, but he didn't know if he would actually feel it.
He largely seems to fit the profile of a sociopath, however I know the death of his mother ten years ago has had enormous impact on him, and his description of his grief and the betrayal he felt at the subsequent revelations in his family does not seem to fit the pattern. He also seems to fall very hard for women, and has had as much difficulty walking away from me as I have had from him. Similarly, he has recently ended a relationship with a woman he accused of infidelity (not sure if this is his paranoia or true, because he also incorrectly accused me of this when we were together) and he has appeared to be very hung up on her and unable to let go of the betrayal.
He drinks heavily and I am a recovering alcoholic with five years sobriety. He has approached me several times in the last year in what has seemed to be a very desperate state, seeking help to stop drinking, but he cannot sustain any caring or commitment towards any rehabilitation I have pointed him at.
At this stage of the game, my interest here has become largely academic, because I've long since given up on this man ever being able to be sustain any kind of relationship with anyone.
Does this sound like a sociopath? Does his apparent connection with his family and their ability to cause him emotional pain discount the possibility?
Interested.
Hola from a sociopath!
Everyone makes our condition sound so bad.
We are your bankers, your politicians, your church leaders and your captains of industry. Without us, you would have nothing.
We always rise to the top of human organization (whether fortune 500 CEOs or tribal leaders) and we always keep social order through fear, intimidation and violence.
All this talk of us being sick is nonsense.
To suggest that we are sick, implies that there is a "better"; a de facto assertion that, although ideologically appealing, is rendered worthless when held up to the microscope of human history; there is no human organization without sociopathy! I challenge anyone to prove me wrong on this point.
You can't beat us! And you can't fix something that isn't broke.
I know some of us go offsides at times and do horrible things to innocent people.
That's just life.
If you have a problem with that, take it up with God, because he made us this way.
Peace.
(zem)
Hello to you too...
I just want to correct you on some things; you don't have a condition, you have a deficiency; you can't see it, because you don't have it. It's called empathy.
Correction... not all bankers, politicians and religious nuts are sociopaths, maybe pedo's are!
My socio changed my life, at first for the worst, but now for the better.
I feel for her, because like you, she is stuck in her predictable behaviour of ego, self importance
and ignorance.
You are right, you're not sick, you're to be pitied.
"You can't beat us!". Strewth! Why would we want anything to do with you? Like all bottom feeders and parasites, you get found out, exposed and...and well sometimes...Why don't you look at history... Adolf, Stalin, Sadam.. etc..
You're right about the world needing sociopaths, because I am the opposite of you, and much the wiser and without the like of you I would never have come to love the world and myself.
Us 'Normals' adapt our behaviours, you're stuck with your predictable view of the world with you in the centre.
Not that I believe that a socio-path believes in God, and BTW, I believe that you're not one, there's always an opposite, and I'm glad I'm the opposite of you ;-)
'sincere' peace to you too!
Not all sociopaths are bad and I don't think people realize this... There is a ying to every yang.
A quote from the Wizard of Oz:
"As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable"
Tin man: "But I still want one"
Haveing fealings and emotions is impractical, but sociopaths don't get to experience love, or compassion like normal people do.
I believe that a sociopath is mostly the way they are because they choose to be that way. The power of the mind can transform a person into whoever they want. Because of course they want to be the almight powerful being that they think they are.
They are indeed ment to be pittied, but their is also much to admire about them. They prove just how much ego, confidence, drive, and maipulation can really get you ahead in life. But the price to pay is that they probably wont ever have a relationship that isint superficial.
As for hitler and those other big names mentioned as being sociopaths... You have no proof and should'nt try to prove your point by saying big names.
I have never met a sociopath that was not bad. In my opinion, if the person is not bad then they are not a sociopath. Sociopaths are born the way they are. They are not made. Since they were born that way they know nothing else and they are not missing something they once had or yearning something they have lost. Sociopaths are very manipulative from a very early age. They can have kind, loving, empathetic siblings who grew up in the same environment with the same parents. Yet the siblings do not exhibit the strange behaviors as the sociopath. Sociopaths are born with a mental sickness in the same way individuals are born with Down's Syndrome or Dwarfism. The manipulation, meanness, cruelty, lies, deceit, lack of conscience, pleasure in someone elses pain, joy in hurting people, disregard for consequences, lack of conscience, using people for their own gain, all comes from their sociopathic mental illness which they had at birth. They have no inborn capacity to be caring, conscientious, empathetic people. They care only to win and it matters not who gets hurt along the way. They are to be avoided at all costs so they do not wreak havoc in your life. If a sociopath is trying to convince you that they are good, then you are in probably in major trouble because they have some ulterior motive behind the desire to make you believe they're good. Just my humble opinion anyway.
I just recently learned that my boyfriend (now Ex boyfriend) is a sociopath, complete with diagnosed manic depression and bi polar to boot,the only thing that doesnt fit is that he doesnt have any kind of exceptional intelligence after only 6 weeks of dating I was to figure out something was deeply disturbing about that man and that I was being manipulated, he did get quite a bit out of me before I caught on. I learned he is still married and was still with his wife and that he had a history of violence as a child. He doesnt read very well if at all but has managed to hold a mediocre job for several years now. I ended the relationship as suggested cut my losses and run, changed my phone number, but he still drives by my house using whatever car he can borrow, am I going to have to literally move to another state to get away from this man, how far is he going to go to get a reaction out of me, that seemed to be his game, find out what pisses me off, wait for my reaction, then beg me to take him back, often leaving me voicemails telling me he loved me and he didnt want to lose me, or showing up randomly at my house with flowers, he seemed so sincere when he told me he loved me and thats the hardest part for me to accept about any of this that and the time he spent with my children, he seemed to really care about them and me. Thus far other then one message I left letting him know I know the truth about him now and telling him to F off, he has no idea how much this has affected me. Im not afraid of him but I do lament the loss of what started off as a seemingly decent guy and the fact that I was able to be fooled so easily knowing that Im usually smarter then this. How does one move on from this?
I lived with a sociopath for many years and believe me - they will destroy every aspect of
your life and walk away with laughter. They
were born with a lack of empathy but continued
in their evil with full knowledge of their destruction. Sociopaths may tell others that they
were born with this DNA and that they had no choice but their a liar. I have all the faith that Kharma will return to them - what they have
done to others.
I know of a well known actor in Hollywood who lacked empathy from the crib - but he mastered
his DNA and did not destroy others. IT IS A CHOICE...................
Its weird that a sociopath would stalk you. That dosn't benefit him at all lol.
You are only a victim if you let yourself be the victim. Don't do something that you won't benefit from. don't go into relationships that you know are doomed for failure. I am in an open relationship with a sociopath and I am extreemly happy. I think everyone is naturally selfish to a certain degree and sociopaths are just better at knowing what decisions they make will benefit them in the long run. The dum sociopaths are the ones that don't realize the importance of being likeable and nice to other people. If you don't compromise to what other people want sometimes it ends up hurting you more then it dose benefit you. In alot of cases there is more to gain by being a loyal, moral driven friendly person, then a egotistical prick that will walk all over you. It is my belief that if you pretend to be someone for long enough eventually you will turn into that person. Yes they are still sociopaths and they will still be incapable of love. I never do anything I don't want to do or something that I will not benefit from unless it is for someone I am friends with or if it will benefit me in the long run. I am not a sociopath and most people are not, but EVERYONE wants to get what they want and sociopaths are just better at it (except for the dum ones of course lol.) People can have control over another person without hurting them or making them do things they don't want to do. We both have diffrent theories and none of this has been proven. As long as you are a stronge individual that isint easly maniplated and knows what you want and when you want I don't think that sociopaths are anything to fear. Most of them do hold seats of power in our government and business world so it is better to understand how their mind works rather then call them names and throw sticks and stones at them. Complaining about this is only petty. Stop being a victim and do what you have to in order to get what you want and get what will benefit you and your family.
As for the stalking. Get a restraining order or something. You wouldn't have to move so far if you were better at not letting him find out where you live.
Four years ago a therapist told me the my husband was a sociopath and when I see him I should run, I loved him too much to run so I didn't. I stayed and tried to help him to be a better person, which is what he said he wanted. He said he wanted to get his life together and be more involved with his four children with four women, one of them with me. He said he wanted to give up the women and the drinking and the reckless behavior and he needed me to show him how. He can be so wonderful for about three months at a time and then the beast comes out. The man who will call me and his mother out of our name, who will say the most unfeeling things and then dare you to be sad. A man who will compromise your home, your car, your belongings and never care that you worked hard to earn them. It means nothing to him. Other people think he is so charismatic and full of life, but when he gets me alone he is a terrorist who wants me to feel like everything is my fault, our problems, his problems, our finances, my health, all things that I have caused isses with. He never takes the blame for anything. In fact I have NEVER heard him say, "that was my fault" From breaking a glass to being caught with another woman everything could be blamed on someone else, mostly me. He also always finds a way to be the center of attention in every situation. He could even steal the attention from the corpse at a funeral. I worry about our son spending his life trying to get love from this man, it is a ongoing emotional rollercoaster that only ends with your loss. He will never lose. And he will never fight fair. You will find yourself in an argument that will always end with you wondering what happened. There is no logic or common sense, there is no empathy or feeling of any kind except the need for him to win at all cost. I finally could not take it anymore and I put him out. He has been trying to figure out ways to get back in without apologizing or admitting wrong doing, he is amazed that I am not being dragged into the fight to defend myself. I am arming myself for his next attempt which will be to tell me he loves me and misses me and can't live without me, he will admit he is wrong here, anything at this point to win, but believe me once he is in he will be planning how he is going to pay me back in the worse way possible. If you are in a relationship with a sociopath, run, you cannot save him!!
Today, I was reminded of a characteristic of
the "intelligent" sociopath. They are frequently
childish. So, that may blow the "intelligent"
theory............
I am 58 year old female. I was sexually abused by my one of my stepbrothers when I was 6, and physically by the other. I had an older brother who I was close to, who died young, and a younger sister-many years younger. I became a registered nurse. I married a man who was thrown out of the Navy for drug addiction- he was emotionally abusive. It took me 20 years to wake up and get out.
My mother died 4 years ago, my father 2 months ago. My sister has borrowed $500, $800, and $1600 from me over the past 15 years. The $1600 was borrowed 5 years ago, and I stipulated that she had to repay me- my current husband and I had just spent 5 years trying to clear up the debt from my past, and saved enough to buy our first home. She promised, and promptly gave me $10, of the $20 that my father had just given her. (My parents were living with us rent free-my mother had Alzheimer's, and my father had a cardiac condition.)
Eventually my mother was unable to climb the steps in our home, and we moved them into senior housing, closer to other family members-which is 1 hour away from me-but I wanted them to be happy. This was also closer to my sister. She borrowed $10,000 from my parents many years earlier, and never repaid them. After my mother died, my sister stepped in and took over all my father's finances. He confided in me that he thought she was"liberating" his money, but asked me not to say anything. The one time he confronted her for using his charge card, she blew up and told him he was on his own- she was through with him. He was afraid of another outburst. Dad passed away, and she emptied his bank accounts. We are both benficiaries and executors. I'm in the process of following up with fraud charges with the probate court.
I guess the point of writing all this is that sociopaths are sometimes difficult to see-especially when they are your own flesh and blood, or someone you once thought you loved. My husband found your article, and showed it to me. He knew for years that my sister fit the bill, but knew I had to see it for myself. I also need to add - I happen to be a board certified Mental Health and Addiction registered nurse- a 29 year psychiatric nurse. These people are charming, and deceitful-but you never, never want it to be family. I have decided that she doesn't need to be in my life-she has broken my heart-only the most recent betrayals have been told here. She blames everything on others, often plays out the "pity me" game, and fails to see that choices she has made are not anyone's fault but hers. These will be the last betrayals -at least to me.
I thought I had already found all the 'good' websites about emotional health/sociopaths/narcissist/borderlines... Silly me! Your site (youme.com) lays it out like it is without bitter hatred towards abusers, or at the other end of the spectrum, giving abusers a free pass.
I read your articles about sociopaths abnormal low secretion of oxytocin. I hadn't know about that. But did know that sociopaths are accepted to have abnormally low cortisol levels. That was something I sat up and noticed the first time I saw it because in the 50's/60's my mother was told her repeated miscarriages were due to low cortisol. She went on to take some kind of steroids during later pregnancies and carried to term. As far as I know it was a very unconventional treatment at the time, and whether it's considered quakery now or is accepted, I don't know. I expect the former. But knowing my mother, I think the steroids were more than a placebo. Perhaps nature's way of preventing sociopaths from having children?
I have not read the articles about low secretion
of oxytocin in sociopaths but coming from a laymens perspective my question is; which came
first the amount of oxytocin or does the behavior cause the low secretion? It doesn't matter because sociopaths are responsible for their actions. When the "good" does more good
they become better people and you can apply that
to the "evil", also. When sociopaths continue
in their bad behavior they become more "evil".
I do not have compassion for people that hurt
others and become better skilled at their game.
Well I've dealt with 2 sociopaths. Sadly for them, there is 1 something that can break them down and reveal their actions. Jesus. This is who revealed to me the Sociopath in my life. And since I've dealt with 1 before and researched them, I now know the path that will be taken and how to prevent and supersede it. The supernatural in God will always serve superior over ANY human. And so in this latest interaction with the sociopath, it loses. :)
Oh and I have removed this last sociopath completely from my life. It's a she. She's a family member. Since she knows that I now know the real evil person underneath the persona, she's in action, slandering my reputation and lying about me, to family. But again I live by Jesus. And Jesus knows what a sociopath thinks and plans to do before he or she does lol so her actions are fruitless! FUTILE! LOL I LOVE IT! I know to complete remove myself and those who I associate with (of whom she doesnt know because I have chosen new friends due to other life situations) from her and so I don't mention my friends, actions. So her actions are limited. Plus, there are others outside of our family and INSIDE of our family who has witnessed her actions and are suspicious of her and some who's been bitten by her so they know personally that she's a snake, just not like I do as a Sociopath. So again, she's limited. Also I've begun the road to positivity, social success, and even financial success. So while she's pissed at my finding out, and wasting time coming up with things to do to possibly bother me, I've moved forward. Thanks to Jesus for bringing this evil woman to my attention, and for protecting me. Several others are seeing her evil and her walls are tumbling. Of course since I'd dealt with 1 before, I already know her default position if her walls completely crumble. Stupid a--. lol
So as long as I'm in Jesus' hands, he will and has protect me and make me one, no SEVERAL, steps ahead of that sociopath. I must admit, if Jesus had not revealed her to me, I don't think I would have figured her out. MY ADVICE TO ALL IS TO BECOME CHRISTIANS FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR SOUL BEING SAVED FIRST, THEN FOR PROTECTION AND GUIDANCE FROM THE ENEMY, WHO GUIDES THESE SOCIOPATHS.
@November 17, 2008 12:36 AM post, a sociopath is actually at least 2 different people. And evil person who deceives and manipulates to enjoy seeing others hurt or sometimes revenge for the same reason. Then a completely different person who is very social, kind, funny, cool to be around, fun, very helpful, the good samaritan. But remember the evil person who uses those things to gain information, link real truths to lies, lie like others tell the truth, an underlying demon who LOVES to see others in pain, humiliated, hurt, down and drowning. HATES to be bored as if stimulation is air to a fish out of water. Naturally adept at being a social, friendly person, NATURAL AT DECEIPT THEIR PRIMARY WEAPON. YOU CAN NOT BE A 'SOCIO'PATH WITHOUT BEING SKILLFULLY EXPERT AT DECEIT. THEY ARE DEMONS IN HUMAN FORM. They hide the evil person because they can not get what they want with that person. They go through ALL COSTS TO HIDE THE EVIL CUT THROAT PERSON. BECAUSE THE EVIL IS PURE AND SADISTIC.
I know a man, late 50'-a definite sociopath. He constantly abused (mostly verbal and emotional) his wife for 20 years while she tried to comprehend what she may have done to irritate him and cause such treatment. He refused counseling. He was certain she would never divorce him because of her religious beliefs. The constant trauma she endured resulted in her ruined health, physical, mental and emotional..now suffers from anxiety, depression, nightmares and flashbacks. She finally did divorce him after 20 years. He has remarried, and his first wife is very concerned for the welfare of the new wife of about 3-4 years, as she knows what she must be going through, and knows how for a long time the wife will be confused, blaming herself,thinking everything may be her own fault. She would like the new wife to read a website such as this one, but does not know of any acceptable way to reach out to her. She is also quite sure that her X has told his new wife how the first wife "just flipped out and left him", so wife #2 probably thinks wife # 1 is a heartless nut. It is likely that wife # 2 has been led to believe that any cruelty on her husband's part is due to having been married to "that witch" for 20 years, and would not listen to her anyway. Too bad..A caring first wife could save a gullible second wife a lot of grief.
Sociopaths exist. Period. They get off on the game. They get off on seeing how they can manipulate everyone and every thing. They will never reveal themselves or admit to any wrong doing. If you are on to them, they will beat you down and try to drive you insane. Cut them out of your life completely, quietly, quickly, and never ever respond to them again or open the door to them, ever.
god help me....twenty years, and four children later...I had to get a restraining order and have him removed from the home...he wont leave me alone three years later. He had numerous affairs, last one with my daughters first grade teacher..who was married as well. i was the room mom and when she got pregnant I had the baby shower for seventy women, only to find out...it was my husbands baby. i stayed with him...only to walk into the room where my sister was sleeping while she was visting me and he was finger banging her while she was passed out. I told him to get out...he said he was gona kill himself, but didn't. I walked in on him while pregnant with my second child and HIS sister was sucking his penis...him, his sister and his mother told me I was crazy and seeing things...I KNEW WHAT I SAW BUT THEY CONVINCED ME OTHERWISE. when I walked in on him with MY sister...he admitted to what I had seen previous years before...and claimed he had been molested by his sister since he was five. This man has broke my neck, cheek, knocked out teeth...all the while saying if I tell anyone what he has done...my children will be homeless and so would I . He told me daily that i was worthless, fat, ugly and that I was lucky to have him or else I would be in a ditch. for twenty someting years he tortured me. I filed for divorce this past july....I am afraid for my life. This man makes over 130 thousand a year, is very likeable around people who don't know him...but much hated by people who witness his bahavior. My children are ten to seventeen...but would rather have nothing to do with him. He and his mother call and give them guilt....about not talking to him. I sometimes feel sad, but know in the long run, I am doing the right thing for my children. they have witnessed enough abuse and will understand later in life....I beiieve he is also a Narcisist, Bi Polar and ADHD.
To all good and kind people >>
I would like to share my experience. I sincerely hope it will help someone in the near future.
I have manage to break up with my sociopath today. And it wasn't very difficult... while all pervious attempts failed miserably. We have been in relationship for just over 10 months while living separately on opposite sides of the town and during this time, being constantly and shamelessly manipulated I have provided her with 1001 favors. Never said no. Never refused even one request, even if it was difficult or inconvenient for me due to my personal plans and daily affairs. Her tools in achieving this were pity and blame game. I succumbed to her wishes every single time. Guilty as charge ; ( And in return not a sign of any genuine appreciation, on a contrary often immediate hostility, aggression and disrespectful undermining "I'm better than you" attitude, deliberate attempts to make me upset. Quite often I was hurt by her ungratefulness and humiliated by the feeling of being used, which would lead to prolong depressive state. I tried to leave, but would be caught in my hurt feelings, masochistic self-pity and desire to change and save her ; / During all this time I've never asked her for any favors or help except ones when I asked her to give me one driving lesson (she drives BMW) to prepare for the driving test. She was very quick to decline, advising me to hire professional instructor. And just recently after fulfilling her next request I had a sadden idea. On sub-conscience level I felt it was good, but didn't realized exactly why. I have decided to ask her for her help. I lied that I'm going to move and I asked her if she could drive a little van that I would rent on my name and refill its tank afterwards. That she would only do the driving and will cary all my spartan stuff in and out. She pretended that she is going to, but the next day advised me to asked someone else to assist me, some of my male friends. I reminded her that I've never failed to help her and I wouldn't asked her if didn't really need her help ; ))
She faked a seen saying that I am a man and she is a woman and we have different acceptation in helping others hanged up the phone.
I sent a sarcastic text message to her in our native language (we both are not native speakers) that she is a truly wonderful person and I thank her for all her support and readiness to help ; ))) She replied in English: "I don't do guilt. Grow up and deal with life like mature man, rather than a child". I typed my initiate answer: "Sense of guilt is an attribute and psychological property characteristic for people with conscience. People without conscience, respectively, are deprived of senses of guilt and shame. Such as uses, takers, freeloaders, energetic vampires and sociopaths. Maybe that is the reason why your are still alone in your 40s..."
Then I have changed my mind, I thought it would be too cruel and sent this instead: "Sorry I have bothered you with my problems. Obviously, I shouldn't have. I just really needed your help..."
Now I understand why I have felt good about the idea to play this charade. In comparison with my other feelings that were subjective this situation created something more objective and concrete. Strong sense of injustice and unfairness toward myself. It is something I can't deny and brash aside
in the moment of cowardly weakness.
I feel easy and strong now. There is no feeling of regret. Now I am absolutely sure who I was dealing with. My intuition says she wont bother me any more, let alone me bothering her. But even if she does I have power to say simple "No' ; ))
I thought it was important to share my story, because I hope that my confession would be helpful to somebody who is suffering out there like I did. Also I would really appreciated any feedback, judgment or even criticism in valuation of my actions...
p.s. This negative experience took a lot from me. Yet, it gave me a lot too. It made me wiser, stronger and probably even kinder. I have genuine feelings of pity and compassion toward these broken people deprived of ability to love, forgive and feel pain of others. They say those who never loved never really lived. Its a great tragedy to come into this world with a stone instead of a human heart.
Our intelligence is important, but our feelings are precious, because they are an attempt of the universe to understand itself. Not being part of it is truly sad. So, these human-like creatures should be forgiven, pitied and left alone in the oblivion of their moral insanity...
After over two years of 'counseling' for my now 17 yr old sis inlaw, who lives with us, the Doc said, flat out,,no conscience,, no sense of self... I had said this from the beginning, and also suggested she is a sociopath, he feels she is brain damaged , I feel it is 'both'. It's a difficult living situation to care for and be nice to someone who is NEVER nice to you unless they want something from you, or you are in a good mood , and then they come 'feed' off of you. If I'm in a crappy mood, so is she. My son passed away a year ago, I've been very depressed, heart broken , and doesn't she mimic that~! Got mad as hell on Mother's day, my first one without a card or call from my son, I decided to take flowers up to my mom's grave. This kid gets MAD, goes in her room and pouts, hub goes in, and she starts crying, cause we didn't do anything special for her mom who passed 3 years earlier. Is this a trait? to mimic? then there are the lies, she tries to plan,( always catch her, I raised two kids ) never does anything the way I tell her to do it, she manipulates my dad 84yrs old, and my husband, but cannot manipulate me, I have her number. She's very unmotivated, unless she's stimulated, or given extreme ultimatums. She shows no love, no affection, no compassion , in any sincere way, and I'm tired. I'm not used to loving , and caring, and giving and being snubbed so blatantly. She thinks she has one up on me with her brother, though at home, she shows no affection, when in public, she'll hang all over him like a leech. And if she can't get away with that, cause he hates it,,,,,she'll hang back and pout..endlessly. Anyways, nice to find a place to discuss this,,,and air it out, cause no one wants to hear it, let alone see it. I've seen it for the last 14 years I've been with my husband, so,,she's gonna be 18, graduates h.s. after this year,,,She'll either stay and continue to suck the life out of us, or out the door she goes,,,,,,,,,,,or I do.
This site has helped me tremendously but why
haven't I seen recent posts?
I'm glad this site has helped you. And the reason you haven't seen any recent posts is...
There haven't been any! I was noticing that too. For a week or two now, not many comments have been made. Has it all been said?
I concluded a few months ago that the no. 3 person where I work is a sociopath. I had read clinical definitions long before I came to this site, but it was a long time before I put 2 and 2 together.
An interesting part of it is that she is physically attractive, very intelligent, and extremely competitive. But I read in the article that being competitive was natural to sociopaths; I had thought it was something particular to her case.
My diagnosis is the only thing that explains her strange behavior. I am not a psychologist, but for what it's worth, I have read plenty of psychology. In the business world, interpersonal politeness is the coin of the realm. So I was simply amazed that this top-ranked person in the company would say insulting things about other employees in a vicious tone of voice--themselves leaders in the company--right to my face, as if taking me into her confidence. Also, she had small children, but evinced not the slightest concern about being with them or not being with them, once saying that her "ex-husband was the nurturing type."
The last time I had a long conversation with her--she spoke with great emotion and intensity about how to be a great employee and all the great things she had done such as getting promoted every 6 months wherever she was--she kept saying insulting things, insulting me, that is, and I would call her on them, standing up for my self-respect and being reasonable. For a split-second she froze, her eyes white. Caught. (Like that married couple with the "delinquent" son in Peck's "People of the Lie." Perhaps she's really a narcissist instead, or perhaps the traits greatly overlap.) But then she did it again.
And soon after I realized that she *did not even know* she was insulting me. She had other goals in mind, making points about this and that. Then I was sure that she was a sociopath.
Suddenly everything made sense. She insulted other people in my presence because she felt like it---and she's intensely competitive, though there is no one to compete with---and certainly didn't give a s*** what I thought about what she said.
But I think she has been a quick learner. Sociopaths learn about "right and wrong" purely analytically, and strictly in terms of whether the consequences of what they do will be good or bad for them.
I have noticed that almost all of the leaders in the company in the last 5 years are gone. The only ones above her are the owners. The rest, I am pretty sure, couldn't stand to work with her. But she gets results so she keeps getting promoted.
I couldn't keep working here even if I had to. Once you realize the person you are dealing with is not really human, except by some kind of definition from genetics and anatomy, but a sort of constantly selfish, hungry machine always in danger of boredom that cannot possibly care about another person, it is rather chilling. Spooky. A loose cannon; you have no idea what can happen, because they are capable of anything based on what they want or happen to be feeling, such as anger.
(continued)
When I married and moved over a thousand miles away, mother would call and write me and was so kind and helpful. I figured she simply didn't like "kids" and now that I was an adult, she liked me. I opened my heart to her and was so happy to have the mother I always needed. This continued for about 8 years and then she suddenly turned on me like a vicious animal. Nothing had changed except that I was newly pregnant with my second child. I kept hoping the situation with my mother would eventually improve, but I didn't know how to fix it. I wasn't "reacting" to her, just trying to stay on an even keel. She never would say what she was angry about. I could only guess that she was angry we had not come "home" as she wanted us to, and she thought we never would, but my husband wanted to stay in his job here as he had worked hard for a promotion. If she had been patient, she would have gotten her wish as he was laid off permanently a couple of years later. By then I knew I had to stay far away, as I knew she had not really had a change of heart when I moved away. She was simply trying to trick me into coming back so she could take control of my life again.
I recall another book I read about five years ago, "A child called 'It'" about a boy and his alcoholic abusive (and sociopathic, I believe) mother.
I need to write again for the best way to deal with a SP coworker as I like my job, and opportunities are few during this recession. Anyway, thank you for this website.
On another blog, a person referred to another as a sociopath. I googled the term, and found my way here. I have learned by life experience to get away from these kind of people. They only appear to change just long enough to suck you back into their life and hurt you all over again. This website has helped me to understand the "why" of all this. I had a particularly bad bout with a sociopath (that I met at church of all places) that targeted and lied about me. I ignored it thinking she would eventually stop. She briefly did, and I thought we had become friends, but she came back at me. I finally left that church and now I have peace.
Those 13 questions (How to Spot a Sociopath) is a way I gauge the level of sociopathy of a person—someone I counted 10 yeses for would be a "10", for example. An old boyfriend was a "10", a coworker is an "8", my mother was an "8", etc. In my experience, the greatest difficulty has been dealing with a sociopathic parent. The child cannot get away and does not understand what is happening. Recently I read "Mommie Dearest" for the first time, and I can so relate to Christina Crawford's experience. Book reviews said Christina lied and exaggerated, but I can honestly say I believe it all to be true. I could write my own book and, though the specific experiences are different, the same basic difficulties occurred. (Thankfully, my mother was NOT an alcoholic as her mother was, and I was never awakened in the middle of the night). I never got into any trouble in school or anywhere else, for that matter, yet I was virtually a prisoner within my home with few exceptions from age ten to seventeen. I had no words to explain to my school friends, because I did not understand it either. I felt like a caged animal. My brother was frequently in trouble, mother could not control him, and he pretty much went and did what he wanted. I was obedient and she could control me, and she micromanaged my life. I believe my relatives and mother's friends saw his freedoms and believed her when she told them I had no friends.(to be continued)...
It's interesting that so many people attempt to excuse or explain sociopaths. There is no explanation or excuse - they are what they are, and there is no cure.
Any "joy" that they display is a pantomime of what they've observed in others. Any "love" that they display is a pantomime. And, any other emotion is a metaphorical regurgitation of whatever they have observed in others and make these displays when they believe them to be appropriate. This one clue explains why the actions and reactions of sociopaths may fall into "normal" boundaries of behavior, but they somehow "feel" inappropriate. For instance, a former business partner who fits the profile will actively assess a target's level of pity and hone in on that when he talks about his deceased wife who passed from cancer some 15 years ago. Okay - it's "normal" to still be sad over the loss, but it's beyond appropriate to whine about what HE "went through" after her passing. He doesn't discuss HER experiences, at all - only his loss and how sad it was, and how horrible it was, and how NOBODY can possibly imagine what he "went through."
Excessive flatter - beware, beware, and BEWARE. Complimenting someone is one thing - it's appropriate and specific. FLATTERY is showering a person with praise when it's not indicated or appropriate.
Excessive gifting - BEWARE of the person who is constantly gifting you with things: food, trinkets, etc. You will be expected to PAY for those things, at some point.
Yes, these people do, indeed, exist, and it is terrifying that they move among us and are incapable of remorse for anything that they do.
After reading the article on Sociopaths, I believe my brother is one. For the last 20 years he has displayed all of the traits of a sociopath, he steals money from our mother time and time again. I am talking about 200, 800, 900 dollars at a time, he always apologizes but keeps on doing it, he also steals her jewelry. He abuses alcohol and drugs, I cannot deal with his behavior anymore, I have explained to my mother who lives with me that he is no longer welcome in my home and if she feels the need to have him in her life then she will have to move. I can no longer live feeling uneasy in my own home or feeling unsafe. I fear for my sons life as well as my mothers life because he gets very angry when he cannot get what he wants from you or when you don't agree with his actions. He has even stole from my daughter who is a college student, and he had the nerve to steal her laptop which she needed for school. I just can't believe people find comfort in hurting others, that is so heartless but I guess if you have no heart you don't care.
There may well be an explanation here for what's been happening to our country and civilization in general for the last 30 years or so.
When in the early 80's we started developing our culture of greed in response to hard economic times, it required managers and supervisors to start acting toward their fellow citizens and employees in manners hitherto unthinkable. Sociopaths would not have a problem acting in these manners and have likely heavily infiltrated management and leadership positions over the course of time.
Now, generally, the sociopaths are 'running things'.
Food for thought...
I'm sorry for the brother that is having to use
tough love on his brother and having to take a
stand. I, too, had to take a stand on my own
daughter who tore my life apart for many years.
But you have to do it. I'm sorry for the pain
that your going thru...........
Hi All,
Quick question here regarding fear directed at anyone who believes they are a a sociopath. Do sociopaths find things like heights frightening? Would they intellectualise horror films, or would they be frightened of watching one alone? Also, do sociopaths dream/have nightmares?
I only ask because I know someone who I suspect, but they have these qualities so I think I may be very wrong.
Now for some discussion on a topic that interests me. If the goal for the sociopath is to win each and every game he plays, he must spend a lot of time selecting the games (otherwise sociopaths would be the top chess players, top sports men and women, etc.) Given that the top fields do not appear to be dominated by sociopaths (I could be wrong of course), how does the sociopath satisfy his grandiose beliefs about himself when they must live with the normal curve of folks? That is where the majority of them must reside.
Also, as they can only ever dominate those who allow themselves to be dominated and since they despise this quality in themselves, they must despise it in others. So they are forced to live with people they despise and also (it would seem, if they are intelligent) know they will always live with people they despise because they can have it no other way (they must dominate). Who wants to live in a world where you despise everyone? Does this also result in self hate, or does the sociopath project this hate back onto the world around them as they are unable to accept any personal responsibility for it and its causes? I can't see how they can possible rationalise their lowly position...only god like status could satisfy them.
Also, it would seem that this particular behavioural trait must rely on a large social group to be a part of. Once they are "found out" they are screwed. People quickly learn and reputation is important ;) Perhaps the internet will make life increasingly difficult for the sociopath to do deeds which are deemed wrong by the majority, as they are confronted. Perhaps game theory will kick in and an equilibrium will be reached. But even then they would despise themselves, having to share such a lowly position with the rest as no one will lavish their ego and grandiose opinions about themselves. I suppose they probably have a strong sense of self preservation, so if the control systems are good enough, they will have no choice.
So, a final question to sociopaths. Why not play the long game? The world of an eye for an eye will eventually leave the world blind...you must realise this. Despising the world is just another way of despising yourself. If one is to find peace in this life, surely it is only to be found in creating realities which benefit all players, even if all those players are sociopaths. I am not saying one should sacrifice oneself without cause. But the cause can be a shared cause and one which results in mutual respect.
The above post raises some good questions and
one that I would like to address on the domination
issue. Since, most sociopaths are sadistic could
their pleasure come from that part of themselves.
They really enjoy hurting the one that is dominated and probably do hate them but they have
this great pleasure, also. Let's not forget that
they have outside interests from that dominated
one that they hate.
I think in many cases it is not hate, but indifference.
Hi Adam,
If they are truly indifferent do they care about outcomes (e.g. subservience in their target)?
Subservience makes people easier to manipulate. A lot easier. They are not indifferent about the outcomes. They want to win. They want power. They want money. They want sex. But they are indifferent about the victim's emotional state except for how it can be effectively used to get what they want.
I'd like to ask one of these guys who "fits the profile," a guestion.. Please tell me if I may be dating one: After a tuff sepperation from my husband of many years I was introduced to a man who seemed to be my knight in shining armor. He was charming, sensitive to my feelings, extremely flattering, and deep, (kinda thing I love) He helped me with everything I needed, attention I never got from my ex husband, direction I lacked in moving on, and finally he saw I needed help with having the disease of alcoholism which I addressed and now am in recovery. I am finally feeling confident and centered for the first time in 18 years. Since my recovery he has made me feel, "I owe him," He's now threatened by my soberiety and new healthy friendships with other women. He has called me nasty hurtful names, destroyed or broken things of mine in anger, extremely paranoid and thinks I've been with other men. He checks my computer data, talks to my neighbors only to have some kind of power or control over every step I make. When I was in active addiction he'd "play" me by taking my belongings and making me think I was in a "blackout," (in case no one knows what that is, it's a period of time forgotten by an alcoholic,) Many power struggles but I always gave in because I trusted him and I was in no state of mind to fight it.
Please tell me if you believe this sounds like a sociopath, I need to know for the protection of my soberiety and my children, Thank you
(Rose) My ex is a case book sociopath but unlike most mentioned on this site, he is a high functioning sociopath. He is a CEO of a midsize company, is a multi-millionaire, has "friends", and has even been married once for 20 years (divorced now). He is extremely intelligent, witty, charming, and is always in control of his behavior. Though he occasionally imbibes in alcohol and drugs (cocaine, marijuana), he is by no means an addict. Though he can be impulsive, he is not an idiot. He knows right from wrong, but just doesn't have the capacity to feel. He is cunning, manipulative and lies all the time, even when there's no purpose in it. And he does so with such ease. The only genuine (i say genuine because I've seen him feign emotion) is anger.
What I want to know is, do sociopaths mellow out with age? My ex is 45. He was actually rather considerate of me, bought me things, never physically hurt me or verbally abused me (I've seen him verbally tear apart others). He liked my company. He's said I am intelligent, attractive by most standards, witty, social, and kind. Makes me wonder what he wanted from me. He sounds like a nice guy, I know. But through his employees and my own observations I know he is a sociopath. He's created this nice guy/generous guy persona and works to maintain it. But he is always playing chess master. And is always trying to "win" and control. He blames others all the time, and never takes responsibility for any pain he causes.
I only dumped him recently because I happened to come across the book "The Sociopath Next Door". It hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized he fit 6 of the 7 characterizations. I still love who he represented. But it was all smoke and mirrors. I had to get out before he tore me down. I did not come out unscathed as he did start messing with my psyche.
To the above post - No, sociopaths do not mellow
with age and become compassionate human beings.
After living with my ex - he became better skilled
at his games and more sadistic. And he tried
his best to ruin my health, so, he would get all
the money. So, in my case he became worse.........
Dear someone Who might beable to understand me.. I am looking here to try to find answers.. My step-daughter is 6 years old and her mother is trying to commit her because she says she has sociopath tendencies.... My step daughter never shows us any od these signs is that normal, and also she craves attention, she seems to me like a kid whos not showed enough love cause thats all she wants when shes at my house and she never hurts her siblings at my house how can i tell if she is or can i
What do you mean "commit her?"
i recently came to the conclusion my boss is a sociopath. i found her lack of empathy at the time of my injuring myself strange at best but she promised i would be looked after. i thought her jokes about my difficulties taking care of myself in very poor taste. it wasn't until she reached the point of making bizarre comments about my surgeon that the alarm bells really started going off. she made it sound like they had been intimate or she would have liked them to have been. she then tried to make me go to a surgeon of her choosing. by the time i worked out what she was doing, i couldn't remember the details i needed to make a compensation claim, she had plenty of time to alter work documents and she had contacted the insurance company telling them i was trying to defraud them. she even made an official statement full of lies. it looks like we will end up in court together now. i won't be fooled again and am terribly concerned for the aged people and other staff members in her care. i don't know who to report her to or if it will do any good. with my luck it will backfire and she will put me in even more trouble.
Thi site has changed everything fot me I haf been dating a sociopath for the last year and a half we met in the air flying to NY for buisness he was a salesman like myself he seemed to be everthing I wanted in a man he had come from a horrible clidhood and was instantly conning me for pity before long he was trying to distance me from all my friends trying to convince me that they where useless and holding me back he made every attempt to make me feel useless he did so many evil outburst to me but never apoligized once my friends and family lashed out at him in my defense and even now over a year later he keeps bringing this up but never taking responsibility for his wrongs he son that was only 15 was resently murdered he used this to lure me back into his life and eventhough ive been here for him he continues to try to break me down he is never wrong has no pity never forgives hates my music my friends he has no long term friends or family just a list of victums before I read this I thought I could reach him help him but now I realize tjat will never happen ive always been a very loving and optimistic person but reading on this sickness I realize I cant help him and I must run in the other direction from him which truly hurts because to know a sociopath is to love a sociopath and we all want to help the people we love the sad part is I truly feel sorry for him because he will never truly be at peace and I know it all stems from his childhood and living from group home to group home some huge part of my heart still wants to help him and show him love eventho I know it wont helpits only been less than two years and I know I will need some type of help to get away from him my advice to anyone is dont get caught in there web because it may take a life time to get out Thank Adam this site has helped me greatly I know you say never tell a sp they are a sp.but id love to sit the facts in front of him do u think it will help him? Sincerly Lost In Chicago
Honestly... I question the conclusions that have been made about sociopaths. There seems to be this general consensus that sociopaths are these boogiemen who exist to destroy everyone. If you have a shitty boyfriend... it is because they are a sociopath.
This is a flawed approach. First off, diagnosing a sociopath is a very difficult task that requires significant training and research. Second, sociopaths fall on a spectrum, and have varying system. Third, sociopaths are not automatically evil creatures from hell. They are just people out to live life the best way they can.
Judging them by a tag only serves to isolate these individuals, and deny their contributions to society. They exist in every part of society but they are disproportionally represented in the movers and shakers of the world. They are more likely to be successful businessmen, inventors, and philosophers.
The marketplace of ideas that makes up our modern world is an important part of human progress. To deny a sect of the population is to deny a part of humanity.
When a sociopath has not personally ruined your life, it would be much easier to be philosophical about how sociopaths contribute to society.
While many people here "judge" sociopaths, most are simply looking for a way to free themselves from a particular sociopath's destructive influence on their personal life or the life of their children. Committing the "sin" of judging them seems a very small thing compared to the much bigger crime of being psychologically tortured, used, and financially destroyed.
Thanks for the last post Adam but I have a questiob the sp im dealing with if course soest see any flaw with in his self but he no doubt sees that he us not attaining evwrything he wants out if life I wiuld love to sit the facts in front of him to try to make him see what he ushes very intelligent and I just feel like if I presented him with this it might make a difference and at least satisfy me by lettung him see he was the monster all along although im hurt I hate to say I have a burning desire to get even Lost in Chicago
Wanting to get even is like one of those bad movies where the angrier you get, the more entwined you become in evil.
What you want to make him see is nothing he is interested in seeing. You will only make him want to hurt you, and he will learn from you what will help him become better at hurting others in the future. Go away from him, never look back, and live a happy life.
Your site has opened my eyes and helped me a lot. Thank you very much Adam, for all your help.
My husband is definitely a sociopath. But what do I do now? We have several children. Now that I know how to react, I have tried hard to be removed and unfeeling with everything he does. He was very confused, but has caught on now. When I can't manage to be so neutral, I'll throw back at him the exact words he's thrown at me, yet he doesn't react. Do you think that if he's confronted with exact details of his behavior which he can't escape and see my determination that he isn't emotionally affecting me, that he will look for other victims? I now realize he has victimized others who have even moved out of town to get away from him. I live in a small town and a divorce and his doing everything in his power to destroy me subsequently would seriously affect the children's reputations. They have suffered enough. Isn't there any way to get sociopaths to stop? I've read: run, run. What if I can't run? There must be another way to fight them. As much as they sound so smart, I really see through my husband and can figure out his twisted mind processes before he acts on it. Can I use that against him to get the upper hand?
To all the parents, siblings, and other family members of sociopaths:
I am sorry but you were deceived: you never really had a son/daughter/brother/husband etc. Not a human one anyway. That thing that looks like a person fooled you and it is not your fault. It is very hard for a person to even comprehend the horror of what they really are. No monster of myth or folklore is as undetectable or has destructive.
Please think about yourself and the rest of your family.
You think you love this person but it is an illusion; there never was a person there to love. you will always miss them but you will be better because it is like losing an imaginary friend. You will be recovering from the insanity of thinking they were a real person.
From Anonymous above:
"They are more likely to be successful businessmen, inventors, and philosophers."
Yes, no and no. They often succeed in business and politics, true. All the greatest horrors in human history are attributable to highly successful sociopaths.
However an inventor must have an in-depth understanding of the forces they are working with and philosophy, well, that is just out of the question. A sociopath can't possibly care that much about anything or become that adept at any subject. Frankly, they have contempt for anyone who would.
Thank you Adam for all the truth and support you
have given us all. To have my truth affirmed
by you has given me strength and empowerment -
and not to feel, alone. I, believe, the "Gaslight", damage has been hard to overcome but
this site has brought encouragement......Thanks,
again.....blessings!
Adam do you know if a doctor seeing a sociopath would let them know they where diagnosed as a sociopath? Because im sure my exhusband had an evaluation however he never told us the outcome.
I think most doctors don't know enough to diagnose sociopathy.
Adam,
Do you have an answer for my post on Oct. 1? What can I do if I can't run? Is there a way I can ask you a private question that doesn't get posted?
Email me at adam@youmeworks.com.
If you truly can't run, keep your head down and don't make waves. Trying to battle someone who is not hindered by normal human empathy is dangerous.
After reading all these comments I'm a pretty sure I'm not a sociopath.... The only symptom I really have is the fact that I don't feel close to people. I have no clue why, but I just don't. Not to my parents, not to my siblings, and I don't exactly have any friends to feel close to. It's kind of been creeping me out for a while.... I see people around me, so caring for each other and I wonder why I can't be like that. I both wish I could be and am glad that I'm not. In a way I think it makes me stronger because I don't need others in order to live my life.
I also don't feel empathy for others. Often times people will be complaining about some thing or another in their life and I'll just say, "Is it going to kill you? No. So stop complaining." I can't understand their fears or their sadness over such trivial things.
And.... winning is what I want. My parents could never understand it. I would enter competition after competition and my mum would tell me to just have fun, but it was never about fun. It was about winning.
The thing that completely tosses me out of the sociopath category is that I wouldn't hurt others or manipulate them just for fun. If I had a reason to, I could and would, but without a reason I wouldn't. The one thing I have seen when looking at descriptions of what a sociopath is, is that they take pleasure in hurting and manipulating others. I don't. I will do it if the need arises, but not before.
And one last thing.... there is not one time that I can recall when I have said that I was sorry and truly meant it.
So.... what the heck am I?
Well, the universe isn't all black and white, its probably that you're mildly sociopathic,if there is such a thing. A considerate sociopath?
Anyway, who knows, you're to be commended for no taking advantage of compassionate people.
Best wishes,
Andy
I had a therapist once and during one of my appointments I parked next to his car and as I
got out of my car I noticed his license plate
holder and what it said I will never forget;
at the top printed was "GET REVENGE" and at the bottom it read "GET HEALTHY."
This may be the only revenge I get - to get healthy - and I'm sure trying.............
My daughter is a sociopath. She has no conscience. None. She fits the DSM-IV criteria to at T but for her age. Replacing work with school and you're 100%, including criminality such as theft and violent attacks.
I was able to answer yes to every single question on youmeworks.com. We only have a clue because she very nearly tore my family apart. May God help the next person she's involved with.
Because of what she has done to us, we will never have her around. She's out of our lives for good. I'll call the police for trespassing if she ever shows up on my doorstep. Doesn't matter if it's 2 years, 12 years or 30 years from now. I fully intend to help my younger kids understand how dangerous she is - no matter how charming she appears to be.
Your site is what led me to ultimately admit that I have given birth to a sociopath. That there was a viper in our midst. Thank you. Thank you for making it easy. For not waffling, for not "if only-ing", for not "blaming the parents" who had nothing to do with the creation of a sociopath, for not suggesting that we should "understand" her better.
My new motto is: Unless you've lived it, you can't understand it.
To the person whose post appeared October 7: What age was your daughter when you realized she was very different from others? I'm curious because my grandma said my mother was like that ever since she was a little girl.
(Meg) I could really use some advice please. I have recently broken off a relationship with a guy that I suspect may be a sociopath. The reason for the break up being due to his drinking, constant lying and verbally abusive behaviour. I have tolerated this for almost two years on and off, with endless promises from him that things will change (they never do), and so I decided enough was enough!
I am determined to free myself of this fiend now and have read on several sites that he will just lose interest and move onto another victim once he realises that I truly am no longer interested. However, since leaving him I have had literally 100s of texts calling me the most horrible names, blaming me for the problems in the relationship, even him threatening to physically harm me. Fortunately I am not easy intimidated and don't think he would actually carry out his threats, but I have told him that I will ring the police if he persists in trying to intimidate me.
He has now changed his tactics and is trying to use a nicer approach by feigning understanding of the things he did wrong and apologising for these. I have told him that I want nothing further to do with him and he keeps asking me to explain 'why' when I've explained numerous times. It's starting to frustrate me! For every question mark there is some feeble explanation and I am starting to feel like I'm being gas-lighted! I don't believe a word he is saying if I'm honest.
I really want this guy out of my life but I suspect it isn't going to be that easy! Several times he has been waiting outside my house in the car to try and talk to me, naturally I told him where to get off! Why hasn't he just discarded me and moved on??? Why do I feel so bad about cutting him off even though it's no more than he deserves?? I gave him more chances than enough to put right the harm he was causing, he never kept his promises on that score.
Tomorrow he will more than likely change his tactics again, he has threatened suicide in the past so I'm wondering if it might be the 'pity play' approach?, or will he resort back to nasty name calling? character assasination?? or threats to ruin my life??
Any advice on the matter would be greatly appreciated. I'm hoping he gets bored of the mind games and moves onto pastures new, the sooner the better too. How long will this manipulative brow beating go on for?? Why is he doing it in the first place?? I have so many unanswered questions!
To Meg, I don't know about others, but I can tell you my story. I dated a SP for four months in high school. I was attracted to his fun-loving attitude and charm, and flattered that he pushed for a commitment that i date him exclusively. Once I agreed to be his girlfriend, all that changed. I began to realize that he lied to me ALL the time. I was so naive that I first thought he had an inferiority complex and that was why he was always bragging about how much smarter he was than others. He actually was smart--he had an excellent memory. But he barely scraped by in school--totally disinterested. He was too busy trying to scam everyone, not necessarily for profit, but pleasure. We were polar opposites, and he made me so angry that I broke up with him after 4 months. Then he was angry. He said, who did I think I was, to break up with HIM? He told me that he told everyone that he broke up with me because--yeah, character bashing.
After that there was no way I would ever consider going back with him. He tried to get me back, but I refused. I dated others and so did he, but he would drop by at the house to chat and I would talk to him outside. The intervals between his visits became longer. I figured he came by to chat after another girl broke up with him, but now I think he would have come by even if he had a girlfriend. More than 3 years after we broke up, I went away to college. He must have been keeping tabs on the presence of my car at home, because within a week he called my mom and wanted to know where I was. My SP mother told him exactly where he could find me!
So I came home on break, and he called me and wanted me to meet him at my college to "talk" to me, because his girlfriend goes to the same college. There was the pity play, his girlfriend was cheating on him, which I knew was a lie (why would he continue seeing her?) I knew he would not drive all day to talk to me when he lived close enough to walk to my house! He tried telling me various scenarios of his life, all lies, trying to find something that would appeal to me. I was careful to keep an indifferent tone of voice, not showing any irritation, otherwise he would know he was wearing me down. Finally he slammed the phone down in my ear.
I saw him months later, lounging by his girlfriend's dorm pool. I would have spoken to him, but he gave me such a look of pure hate that I looked away.
I married and moved away and never saw him again. I suspect he put all his girlfriends through the same thing.
So sorry you are going through this. He will tell you he does these things to convince you how much he loves you. He is trying to show you how committed he is to you. Meanwhile, he most likely is getting female companionship elsewhere.
To Meg: Also forgot to comment about: if he has threatened to harm you physically, I suggest to you, at the very minimum, talk to a battered women's expert and get their opinion. Until then, you should take his threat seriously-you never know for sure until it is too late.
Quite honestly, if you were my daughter, I would put you on the next plane and send you to a relative that lived out of state, and send you to college there, or let you find a job there, and keep it a secret from your ex.
I have been in a relationship with a woman who exibits every symptom and behaviour described in your article. Sadly it took two years and a small fortune in Private Investigator expenses to wake up and realize what was really going on in our lives.
Before I researched the situation properly, I did confront her with my suspicion that she is a sociopath fully expecting her to show feelings of guilt and a willingness to explain her behavior. But of course it didn't happen, she challenged and denied the valididty of all legal documents, pictures and any diagnosis of her behavioural condition.
It has been very upsetting to live through this experience because she is exceptionally bright and well skilled at the art of deception as well as playing on my sense of compassion and values about right and wrong. I fell deeply in love with the persona and excitement she created around herself and was willing to give her anything to solve her fiction based emotional and physical problems, and to stengthen our chances for long term happiness.
Through further research I found a virtual emotional graveyard of other former and long term victims she touched in her young life and as you point out I do feel some responsibility to warn those I see in her cross hairs now. However I will not because I doubt I would have listened to someone a year ago if they warned me.
Thank you for writing this article. It presented the facts and realistic life outcomes to me in a way that got my attention and helped me to understand what I am dealing with. In conclusion it correctly framed my situation in a way that caused me to understand my only option is to walk away and learn from this experience. As hard as that is to do, I am doing it now because there is no better alternative that will help anyone involved.
(CJ)I know a male. 35. Has never had a girl friend. I am the first female he has had around in 8 years. He goes to family functions. They acted as it was a miracle that he was around me. He always tries to ratinalize hurting others. He always blames others and takes no consideration of how others feel. He is self absorbed. He always sees himself as a victim. He takes no account into my boundaries. He shows up at all times to my apartment. He always tries to give me things and excess compliments when I mention a discontent in an area. He wont let go. He tries to make me feel guilty all the time. He always gets impulses and eaily angry but for short periods. He is reckless at work and cannot hold a job more than 6 months without getting into an altercation. He mentally attacks if he does not get the instant gratifications. He even texted me and said, "I just wanted to hurt someone". "you were my easiest target." That escalated becuase an electgric guy showed uo at my apartment and he accused me of wanting him but we are not dating, I told him I only want friends but I am slowly going to cut him off.
If you don't contribute anything to society or the lives of people around you and you can't be cured of this condition then I'm good with society getting rid of you. And I don't think that they will feel any remorse about it.
I was a target for a classic sociopath for 8 years. She was very good at playing that part and no one, including me was aware that she was a devious, con artist, a faker, a liar, a thief and an empty, emotionless creature. She broke into my email, she pretended to be a trusting partner, so trusting that I fell into the trap she set and put her name on my bank account. Let's just say that in the first year of being together, she wrote out checks in the amount of $47,000.00, then destroyed all the paper proof for that. Through the years she destroyed me as a person, she diminished me, she dissected me, she put me through a human shredding machine. She is heartless, inhumane, has no remorse and lies constantly. By the time she was finished using me, I was devastated to find out that she stole over $244,000.00 of my money. She 'hid' money in the checking account and if I asked anything about the household finances, she would print out a page of what she wanted me to see and never what was real. She is dangerous, she has no heart, no soul, she uses people and then tosses them away when she is done sucking the life out of them. It's obvious that she hates herself more than she would like anyone to know or realize. She hates being a child of a bi-racial couple, she hates being as she called it 'a nappy headed child', she loathes herself but as any classic sociopath, she doesn't have the nerve to face up to the fact that she is mentally ill and is in dire need of therapy and/or meds to help her. She thinks she's the greatest thing since sliced bread and has a huge ego, she is never wrong about anything and she is a user, a leech, a liar and everything she says and does is pure bullsh*t. She has no capacity to love, she has never allowed that to happen to her, even though I tried to show her love. She was only with me to steal everything she could from me and I mean everything, from money, to jewelry, to clothes, to stealing myself from me. She's scary and she's out 'there'...probably sucking the life of some unsuspecting victim. She is a scary person..So if you run into someone with a tattoo on her lower back of large red tribal tattoo, an 'alpha/omega' on her upper shoulder and her initials are HSR (depending on who she feels she is that day, the "S" might not get used), if you have lived in Wilmington DE, Washington DC, Raleigh-Durham, NC, Orlando, Fl, Brooklyn, NY, Tarpon Springs, Fl, and maybe even Charlottesville, VA and see a 45 year old light skinned 'African American' gay woman that slightly fits this description...RUN LIKE HELL as fast and as far as you possibly can. She will take you down so far, you might never get back up again. She is beyond dangerous...
I've had a few friends that told me (or their family had to tell me) that they were sociopaths. One friend was involved in sexually harassing me at work, and days later said he hadn't felt guilty in years, but the incident had made him feel horrible. Can sociopaths feel anything? Is he lying to me? on another note, my sister fits the bill of a sociopath, but what do i do if i live with her?
Yes, sociopaths can feel emotions like anger, jealousy, satisfaction, and hatred. But not guilt.
If you live with your sister and she is a sociopath, you should move.
I need to know if someone extremely central to my life is a sociopath. The criteria are frighteningly similar with a few exceptions. Please help.
He is extremely manipulative, but in such subtle and genius ways that if you didn't observe closely and know him as well as I do, you would never even know. He's charming and intelligent, but cruel and heartless. He's extremely self interested and doesn't seem to think of anything about others, only doing things for his own gain. He claims to love me, but other times admits he fears he will never truly love anyone. He says he doesn't feel emotion, hardly ever, and he wishes he wasn't this way but feels that he can never change and that no one can help him. He is extremely narcissistic and at one point had a legitimate God complex. However he doesn't believe in God, unable to concede that any power could have control over his life but him. He feels no remorse over hurting others, compulsively cheats in every relationship, pushes others away while keeping them superficially close (or at least everyone he sees fit) and definitely uses people. The only things that DON'T fit are: criminal record (he's too intelligent and logical to do anything irreperable or anything he could get caught doing. he's also too careful and VERY paranoid), and he doesn't take others money (except for family..... but he doesn't steal, they give him whatever he needs) and he does have a good work ethic... so I don't know what this means, does anyone have an idea? PLEASE? I don't want to give up on him, I love him, but I don't know what to do and I'm terrified he can never love me and I can never love him. And this is someone I have been considering marrying. -_- confused and hopeless and helpless
Compulsively cheats in every relationship...and you still want to marry him? No remorse over hurting others? Manipulative? Only thinks of his own gain? Maybe the reason he has no criminal history is because his family gives him money. I suspect take away his financial source and that criminal record might come into fruition. The one I know has no criminal record because his "good work ethic" allowed him to put bills in other people's names. But please think logically...If your little sister or niece wanted to marry someone like this...how would you advise them. Not all SP's have criminal history. Some are highly intelligent and their gift for manipulation can keep them out of the court system.
Bee, that is very sensible, and a good question: Would you advise someone else to marry a man like that?
Bee makes a good point. Sociopaths succeed in everyday life without resorting to crime because they're able to manipulate and exploit their family and friends for financial gain. They do this without the pangs of remorse normal people would feel. Take away that source and you'll see a different side of them.
My grandparents went through their whole lives not knowing what their son was. He dragged my mother and her brother through the courts to get a better cut of the estate for himself. He received more than he deserved and cost them hundreds of thousands of dollars. Now that he's figured out the system, he's doing it again... to a terminally ill friend of his.
The other one I know drains his mother financially and emotionally. He treats her like a dirty rag and yet she's always there at his beck and call, providing him with everything. Hopefully, she'll learn better one day.
What about your boss(es)? Our CEO, in Korea, seems to meet a lot of those items on the list, as well as the Manager he appointed to run the US branch. I'm new to the company, and have recently found out that a LOT of employees, and even the Vice CEO, has been scammed by the CEO. I want to live in the States because I love it here, but I'm stuck with a deceitful, sociopathic co-worker who is the "manager" here. Please help!!
Okay, KonaStar, here's what you can do: Learn as much as you can about how sociopaths operate. Then you'll have a better idea about what to do to stay out of their way and avoid being a target. Keep your nose clean, and look for another job in the meantime. Good luck.
Eric...are you still around? What's happening in your life these days?
Just one thing to say to anyone seeing a sociopath that isnt quite under their influence yet. Run run they are VERY charming interesting and can pretend to be anything YOU want. They reel you in and once your in YOU will need therapy to escape them. You cannot win the only way you will is to RUN. You may feel that you can help or change them but you cant, save yourself. I wish someone had advised me now Im caught. The normal human believes he can help or change someone or something and this will be the reason you will keep coming back to them but they are far from NORMAL....
@konastar
the thing about sociopaths is that after a while you'll see a pattern of behaviour that is is completely predictable. What gives them security is the view that they are conning and manipulating their host or target.
Learn from it, play the game, do not tell him or her that you think or know that they are a SP. Just humour their actions and pity plays. In some-ways, you have to lower yourself into their caste and lie too.. Not nice I know, but it is really the only way to deal with them if you can't get away...
Good luck and whatever you do, do not give the the benefit of the doubt ever!
Zem
Just found this forum, love it. I divorced my ASPD when my son was 7 months old and got out of Dodge. Now my son, (just turned) 7 yrs old is in danger. The courts ruled several years ago "joint custody" with me having physical. My son is now old enough, and smart enough to "call out" his father when dad exhibits poor behavior. My 7 yr old tells the ex that he is a "liar" and that he (Dad) can no longer "trick him". Dad is not appreciating our son' s open and honest observations, the child is now having to pay the price. During the last weekend parenting time my son was told he " is being punished for his mother's behavior".
Unless you have experience with an ASPD the above might not sound believable, which leads me to the real problem. With joint custody I need the ex's approval or the Court to approve counseling for my son. The ex is very charming in court, he and his attorney convinced the judge counseling would be traumatic for the child and very unnecessary; in fact I am the problem.....according to my ex, I am crazy! Sound familiar? I have also asked for a Guardian ad Litem; no luck.
It is unfortunate, this case is being handled in the Wayne County (Detroit) Michigan and cannot be moved to the county in which I reside. The norm in the Wayne County court system is so low, my ex walks in and looks like a saint, however my son spends two weekends a month in hell.
I look forward to any help or comments based on other's experience. The sad part is I am an RN, trained to recognize/report abusive behavior, but I cannot do anything for my son.
St Clair County Mom
A sociopath was living with me for 4 and 1/2 years. It was pure hell. I was in love with her. She was like a "vampire". Cold and unfeeling. She was very promiscuous and deceitful. She always had 3 or 4 lovers. She was cruel and cunning. Her own children wanted nothing to do with her. It was very confusing to live with her. I started questioning my sanity. She finally left me. It was the best day of my life. I changed the telephone number, the locks on the house. Now I want to sell my house so she doesn't know where I live. I am lucky to have survived her.
I was married to a sociopathic man for 25 years. I am now divorced and 44 years old. I met him when I was 15 and married him at 18 ( I was pregnant to him at the time ). I believe he went out of his way to get me pregnant, beacause it was his way of keeping me in his life forever. He had an incredible fear of abandonment, so my marriage became all about control, he arranged it so I would never be able to leave him. I was controlled financially, emotionally, sexually, he was also physically threatening, a bully. He was obsessive in holding me back from jobs, meeting people and friendships. I felt trapped and hopeless and I sunk into depression. We had four children and I was just a slave to him. He could not be intimate but was highly sexual, like a predator. He totally confused me, and was a master manipulator and somewhat of a genius in strategy. From the outside he looked like a saint and I went from being a very beautiful and loving woman to an overweight depressed shell of a person. After a lot of work and grief, and some major strategy of my own, I eventually escaped him, and managed to survive...just. His goal in life is to win - so it's been damn hard as he constantly has tried to destroy me since I've left...As I began to heal myself, I began to study him and as I learnt things about him... slowly my feelings regarding his shocking behaviour started to change...I believe he was sexually abused by his Father, and was abandoned emotionally by his Mother. Monsters make Monsters...I also realised that I had suffered my whole life from depression stemming from my own neglectful childhood..I delved into my own healing and recovered from the trauma of my own life, I tried not to focus or react to him or his evil doings. After reading many many books, I realised he showed signs of chronic depression too..whereas I was sad he was angry...Binge drinking, womanising, sex addiction, smoking, partying all night, drugs, anger, avoiding intimacy, inability to express, cruelty, revenge seeking are all symptoms of covert depression in men. We had both been chronically depressed, our whole marriage and prior - how tragic.. ( read book...I Don't Want To Talk About It, by Terrance Real ). Instead of feeling anger and hatred for this man who I had once considered evil, ( he has screwed me out of lots of money ( I'm living on the breadline ), taken my 4 children and family members to side with him, and now lives with a 20 something in our family home, she plays the rich little housewife with an aupair whilst he acts like the victim ). Funnily enough, I now feel only compassion for him. Letting go of the anger and bitterness has healed me, and I'm back to my loving and kind nature, I see why he has an intense need to win - so I just let him..it's a huge energy drain fighting this guy, so instead I have learnt to communicate to him in ways that are gentle and don't provoke his fears and to let him know that he can let go of his need to control everything because no-one is going to abandon him anymore or stop loving him and that we all accept him, forgive him and will always care about him and that I'm sorry that I so misunderstood him and hurt him in the past. That he can trust that their are good people in his life now, who are not out to screw him or hurt him. We unconditionally love him. I had previously planned to take the children away from him to protect them from becoming sociopaths themselves, I have no intention of doing this now. I want our family healed..
We are getting along much better, there is mutual respect now, I accept him, and I get him. I have my children back week on/off and he's chosen to give me money to help care for them and they feel secure!!! I never ever bad mouth their Dad, but I don't lie either, I tell then he's like the guy out of the movie "Despicable Me', and he was hurt as a little boy and that made him an angry insecure adult, but our love can help him get better and that I care for him and he is family, even if we are no longer married.
Oh, how I've tried to kid myself that my so called friend was misunderstood, made a victim by those that didn't understand him. Of course, that was why he didn't have any friends and clung to me like a parasite. He would call me or make me visit him by crying on the telephone telling me he was so unhappy. When I tried to help and gave advice he got angry and told me I was rude and out of order. I'd apologise....and it would all happen again.
I couldn't understand why he had so few friends. He was devastatingly attractive, intellingent. In fact, here in the UK he was quite a well known writer in his genre. I was shocked about the stories of his childhood abuse, and conforted him when he cried. I also was there to lend an ear when he sued his landlord and then when he reported an elderly neighbour (85 years old)to the police for a minor enviromental issue.
I was shocked when he presented me with a manuscript last year, totally ripping off my life story, including terrible, upsetting stories about my brother which I had told him on confidence. His main character was called my name, she worked for my internationally known company. She was written about in the most distressing manner, about how she was hated by all around her. Fortunately, this time the book was never published. Yet, when I expressed my distress at the book, I was told I wasn't sofisticated and needed to understand his creativity!!
We didn't speak for many months. Yet he appeared in my life again 4 months ago. I was there to mop up the bizarre tears he cried when his mother died....but two months before he had told me he wished she was dead as he hated her.
He used to tell me I was so special and was the only person he wanted in his life, and then tell me I was being used by all my friends who were cretins. If I couldn't visit he'd fall out with me for weeks, or try to bribe me to go round.
This man even told my dad he wanted to marry me as I was so fantastic yet screamed at my down the telephone today using foul language because I didn't respond to an email in the way he wanted me to...............
I think I need to stay away FOREVER. This person (who is 54) has made my life a living hell for more than 2.5 years. He has bad mouthed me to friends and then denied it. He's made me feel guilty for saying the wrong things and upsetting him when all I've tried to do is be a good friend.
I've always been afraid of him and he has used this to manipulate me. But, no longer, I am rid of this person as and from today and I'm breathing a sigh of relief now its all over.
"To the person whose post appeared October 7: What age was your daughter when you realized she was very different from others? I'm curious because my grandma said my mother was like that ever since she was a little girl."
I have documentation of her behavior since age 3 but we never connected it to a psychiatric disorder until last year when she grew to the age that her "melt-downs" and "temper tantrums" when caught in lies flipped over into violent behavior. The reality is that we stopped seeing them as tantrums because she was the size & strength of an adult. The behavior didn't change. Our response to it did.
There were environmental factors that she used as excuses & manipulated to prevent any parent or authority figure from recognizing how she set up her situations. Grandparents ready to believe how mistreated she was, the poor dear, for not getting to go to an unsupervised slumber party. Even now, the lies she told to keep us/them from talking and corroborating her tales are coming to light. I'm floored - again - every time I encounter one of them. I honestly can't believe I didn't see it sooner. "If only"... But there is a whole lot of desensitizing that goes on. Each time she got caught out was a practice run for a better version of her pattern of behavior.
It honestly doesn't matter if the person you are trying to figure out has ASPD, BPD, HPD, NPD... (My mother is one, my daughter as well) They're all toxic to your well being and you should do whatever you can to get away from them. Move across the state or the country. Minimize the intrusion they have into your life. Keep them away from your children if you have any. It's harder when that person is your parent or your child - especially your child as you are responsible for them until age 18, you've got a diagnosis or they land themselves in juvie.
There should be a support group.
Adam Kahn........Have there been any clinical
studies done on the psye of the victims that
have endured the wrath of the sociopath. I'm
curious if the Stockhome syndrome applies, too.
Thanks........
That is a really good question. I don't think such a study has been done. But hopefully I'm wrong about that. Does anybody else know of such a study?
i have a 7 year old granddaughter our therapist diagnosed her as a sociopath is there medicine that will help her
If she is truly a sociopath, there is no medicine that will help her.
However, you should read this: The Question of Kids
I worked with a sociopath he managed to bully me by getting ME busted for 'bullying and discrimination'!
He showed no fear in blatantly defrauding the company at the same time (and still works there) I was a target because I saw through him. He manipulated all the management and played on my boss's vulnerability. Your right, you can never reason with a sociopath and need to stay the hell away.
After reading several articles and posts, I believe that our 19 year old son is a sociopath. Do I understand correctly that there is no way to help him and distancing my family from him is what we need to do? We have been in turmoil for years and at one point, I thought I would have to leave our home...my husband, my children...just to get away from him. It breaks my heart to think that there is no way to help him.
About your 19 year old son: Please see my earlier post of November 7th, 2011.
The issue of a sociopathic child has got to be the most painful thing we ever hear about on the subject of sociopaths. I feel for you.
Dear eric and all,
I've spent today on many "sociopathic sites" and eric, your openness is like taking a can opener to my sons head, peering into the darkness, and shrieking repulsed in horror! I KNOW YOU! You ARE my son. I noticed, by your spellings, that you must {thankfully} be a continent away. My son, and you, confuse hatred with intelligence. Any simpleton can size up the fragile vulnerabilities in another person, exploit those weaknesses, and call it "brilliance" or "strength". HA! Only weakness itself, commits such crimes! Congratulations to you both! You leave in your wakes, the scattered carcasses of hearts offered as gifts to you, love defiled. I pray you demons back to Hell! Angels bless you assholes! And bless you! And bless you! 10,000,000 times bless you both! HA! TAKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!
I lived with a female sociopath. Out of the blue, she would scream "LEAVE ME ALONE, DON'T TOUCH ME, and give blood curling screams like she was getting beaten. All the while she had a funny smile on her face. This happened several times. The behavior was so bizarre. I asked her what was going on. She would scream that she didn't want to talk to me, and leave. She attacked me one day and left. The police showed up at my house and arrested me for domestic violence. I showed them the bruises and scratches. All they could say was " how did her blouse get ripped". In the police report, they stated that she was trying to "get away from me" and that's I had received the injuries. She was so devious, she had a cell phone and recorded her self "being attacked by me". So she attacked me with impunity, because she documented my "violent behavior" on her cell phone. I had lived with her for 4 & 1/2 years and was trying to evict. She told me "you are going to pay for that"! She had befriended one of the police officers when I had called the police on her 4 months earlier for her violent behavior. She always looked so petite and vulnerable. So she wasn't arrested. She asked for the contact information of one of the police officers in front of me. He would drive 2 to 3 times a week by the house. I didn't put the two together, until he showed up and arrested me. She had hooked him, like she hooked me. She had asked me to meet her for lunch when we first met. She cried during the lunch and stated that her "husband was abusive to her". She played on my sympathy. Her husband later contacted me when he heard what had happened. He had caught her in bed with his best friend was in the process of evicting from his home, when she filed domestic charges against him to. She was very promiscuous and violent, which was also the reason I was also evicting her. This was the worst experience of my life. It was such a "traumatic" experience. She was a "wolf in sheep's" clothing. I didn't know such evil and heartless people existed! She had targeted me so she would have a place and someone to take care of her when her husband kicked her out. She always had 3 or 4 lovers at the same time. It was all a game to her. Sociopaths are evil and heartless, the worst one can do is to feel compassion for them. They are masters of deception! They don't care who they hurt, they are "wolves and we are like sheep to them". Don't love blindly. Other people had told me that she had 4 different lovers other than me. Her own children wanted nothing to do with her. You will heard rumors that are so "wild and crazy" about them, that you don't believe...but they are true. I am still coming to terms and trying to get my sanity back! I pray that I can spare someone this painful experience. - Sociosurvior 2011
My husband displays almost every single aspect of being a sociopath. Has to win at absolutely everything. Hes cruel to both myself and children. Always, always blames somebody else for his terrible behaviours, and this includes blaming his 3 year old daughter. Extremely manipulative and uses me and everyone around him. On the exterior he is charming but its fake . What I cant understand is he will be nasty for months on end and then he will go through a short period of guilt. I believe its genuine guilt. Would this mean he isnt a sociopath?. And if hes not a sociopath what on earth is he ?, as he fits all the criteria except the occasional guilty periods.
If he's a sociopath, it is not guilt. But he could be recognizing he is reaching the end of your threshhold for tolerance and trying to get back in your good graces, like a child who wants to continue to get away with something so placates his mother for awhile.
Like any emotion, it is hard to tell from the outside what someone else really feels. Guilty behavior, without genuinely guilty, would not be difficult to fake.
This Eric persona...
<> which will most definitely strain the relationship if it doesn't immediately end it.
The acting and pathogical lying suddenly becomes a myth.
You can call her Graduated....because this article answered all my questions about sociopaths. I am one of nine children who was brought up in a household with a parent(my mother)who is a sociopath.
All my life I knew something was wrong with my mother but, I could not explain it to my siblings in a way that they could understand. They all thought something was wrong with me. I started believing that maybe something is wrong with me; however, that did not last long. As I grew up in the home with my siblings I came to realize that something was wrong with both of my parents and I was not about to voice that to anyone. I kept silent and observed them throughout my childhoood. I only wish I knew back than how to express my concerns better to someone who could have helped me and my siblings.
My mother has destroyed our lives. I can not go into details about all the things she has done to us as children and as adults and to my father. It is just too crazy to tell about without starting from the beginning and I'm talking 40 years or more. It is so sad the lives my mother destroyed in and out of the family and in her work place. But, now I understand and have understood for the last four years (since I graduated from college in 2010);I took many courses in family therapy and mental health and I figured out that she is a sociopath.
Before, I use to tell my siblings that she is narcissistic and then email the definition to them and many other articles. This did not help them at all. So, I finally had to distance myself from all of them because my mother turned them against me. My mother was continually destroying their lives as adults and everyone they came into contact with, their wives, their husbands, their children, and their friends. No one heeded the information I gave them. My mother has wreak havoc throughout everyone life yet, they all blame me. My mother knew I figured her out and that she could no longer control me or cause anymore woes in my life. So, this article really help me put things in prospective.
I am now trying to get guardianship of my sister who my mother have and is not taking care of properly. I have alerted different organizations about how my sister is not being taken care of. I have not succeeded in getting my points across because of the way, I believe, I was stating the situation that my sister is in. My mother has dragged my name through the mud and everyone thinks that I am taking advantage of my mother because she is over 70 years old and has a disable child. Everyone pity her. Just like the article mentioned, she can mimic emotions and empathy so well that she could be a professional actor.
I was sad to read though, how therapy only gives them incite in human behavior so that she can continue to deceive them and make them believe in her as the victim. She blends in well just like the article says and her motives are undetected by everyone. No one knows hows evil she is but me. My mother have them all fooled. However, one of my siblings I believe is getting it now. Her eyes are opening up and see the things I had been saying all these years. We all are astranged because of what my mother has done to us. We do not talk to each other anymore. Hopefully, this will change one day.
In conclusion, after reading this article I now know how to word my concerns and maybe they will be more affective during this guardianship process I am pursuing.
Thank you so much for this article.
signed Graduated
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