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Featured Comment
"I have been married for twenty years to a man who lies, shows no emotion, had no interest in his children etc. I knew something was very wrong with him but could not put my finger on it, or knew there was a name for it. I found out he has been having sex with prostitutes and a lot of them for most if not all of our marriage. He is a Sociopath. He feels nothing for no one, is selfish, and could care less who he hurts.
"If you meet a man and he gives you clues that he might be a sociopath, run. Run like you have never run before; run like the wind and don't look back."
- April 9, 2011 2:52 AM
"If you meet a man and he gives you clues that he might be a sociopath, run. Run like you have never run before; run like the wind and don't look back."
- April 9, 2011 2:52 AM
Recommended Books:
Help For People Who Have Survived a Sociopath:
A psychotherapist who works with people surviving sociopaths has groups and individual sessions available most of the time. If her schedule is full, she will put you on a waiting list.
She was once married to a sociopath and, like so many others, had no idea until the bottom fell out of her life! She is now dedicated to supporting others who are going through this horrific experience. Email me if you have any questions for her. She would be happy to discuss anything regarding her practice or her experience.
She charges a fee, of course, but your insurance may cover it.
She was once married to a sociopath and, like so many others, had no idea until the bottom fell out of her life! She is now dedicated to supporting others who are going through this horrific experience. Email me if you have any questions for her. She would be happy to discuss anything regarding her practice or her experience.
She charges a fee, of course, but your insurance may cover it.
Support Groups:
Order of Protection Survivor:
A woman shares her story of living through the nightmare of having to file an Order of Protection against her husband while providing helpful resources for other women going through a similar scary situation: Order of Protection Survivor
Domestic Abuse Help:
If you are a victim of domestic abuse, find out what your options are.
Use this to find a local shelter in your area: United States DV Resources
Also, here's the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Use this to find a local shelter in your area: United States DV Resources
Also, here's the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Interview with Martha Stout
" . . . understanding this problem [sociopathy] creates an entire paradigm shift in the way we view human nature." - Dr. Martha Stout
Dr. Martha Stout
82 Marlborough Street
Boston, MA 02116 USA
On LivingHero.com is an interview with Dr. Martha Stout, clinical psychologist and bestselling, award-winning author on the subject of sociopathy.
For twenty-six years, she served as a Psychology Instructor in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and also taught at the Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology, Wellesley College, The New School for Social Research, and the National Institute of Mental Health. Dr. Stout has worked at Massachusetts General Hospital and McLean Psychiatric Hospital.
She is author of The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us, a National Bestseller and winner of a Books for a Better Life Award.
You may download the mp3 file for free, which will play in iTunes, RealPlayer, Windows Media Player and other media players or you may listen to it right here by clicking on the purple media player below. (The interview is about 30 minutes long.)
You can contact Martha Stout here:Dr. Martha Stout
82 Marlborough Street
Boston, MA 02116 USA
Psychopathy Awareness
An informative blog: Psychopathy Awareness.
Post Comments
I suggest you post a comment or ask a question on this comments page. Lots of people who have a lot of experience with sociopaths subscribe to these comments, so you're bound to get some good suggestions. Also, you should read the comments. They are illuminating.
And make sure you subscribe to the comments so you know when someone answers you (you'll see a little box to click when you leave your comment).
And make sure you subscribe to the comments so you know when someone answers you (you'll see a little box to click when you leave your comment).
| + | What is a Psychopath? | |
| | This link goes to an answer from a psychopath research organization. And the link below goes to a discussion forum by the same organization. | |
| + | Topics include: Psychopath in your life | |
| | Parents - Children | |
| + | Psychopath in the Family | |
| | Parents - Siblings |
Save the World
Martha Stout said if more people knew about sociopaths there would be less war in the world. I think she's right. Consider these facts:
1. According to the famous Milgram experiments, 65 percent of people will follow the orders of an authority.
2. Sociopaths want to win. They seek control. They are excellent manipulators. They don't care who gets hurt. They don't care who lives or dies.
3. They sometimes make it to positions of power. And they cause wars.
If more people knew the characteristics of a sociopath, more people would identify them for what they are before they gain too much authority and power. A sociopath would then be less likely to ever gain significantly powerful positions.
Result: Fewer wars.
There would be less horror in the world.
The truth is, even though it is a common belief that "man is a violent species," we are not. But when a sociopath gains a position of supreme authority and they start wars, 65 percent will obey authority, and most of the rest will be fooled and manipulated into believing in supporting the cause. The result is war. And many of those who fight in them feel terrible about the whole thing. They don't want to kill. They feel they have to.
The reason sociopaths are able to get away with as much as they do is because most people are so ignorant about the topic.
Now listen: You are in a unique position to save the world. Not very many people know about such a thing as "common, everyday sociopaths." They don't know their characteristics. They don't know how to spot them.
But you do.
Share your knowledge. Share it far and wide and in every way you can. And urge everyone you know to help you spread the knowledge. This could change the course of history. It could go a long way toward real peace on earth.
1. According to the famous Milgram experiments, 65 percent of people will follow the orders of an authority.
2. Sociopaths want to win. They seek control. They are excellent manipulators. They don't care who gets hurt. They don't care who lives or dies.
3. They sometimes make it to positions of power. And they cause wars.
If more people knew the characteristics of a sociopath, more people would identify them for what they are before they gain too much authority and power. A sociopath would then be less likely to ever gain significantly powerful positions.
Result: Fewer wars.
There would be less horror in the world.
The truth is, even though it is a common belief that "man is a violent species," we are not. But when a sociopath gains a position of supreme authority and they start wars, 65 percent will obey authority, and most of the rest will be fooled and manipulated into believing in supporting the cause. The result is war. And many of those who fight in them feel terrible about the whole thing. They don't want to kill. They feel they have to.
The reason sociopaths are able to get away with as much as they do is because most people are so ignorant about the topic.
Now listen: You are in a unique position to save the world. Not very many people know about such a thing as "common, everyday sociopaths." They don't know their characteristics. They don't know how to spot them.
But you do.
Share your knowledge. Share it far and wide and in every way you can. And urge everyone you know to help you spread the knowledge. This could change the course of history. It could go a long way toward real peace on earth.
WikiHow on Sociopathy
WikiHow has several articles on sociopaths:
How to Deal With a Sociopath
How to Detect a Sociopath
How to Understand Sociopaths
How to Deal With a Sociopath
How to Detect a Sociopath
How to Understand Sociopaths
Scientific American Mind
In the September/October 2010 issue of Scientific American Mind is an article entitled, Inside the Mind of a Psychopath. Among other things, the reseachers wrote, "Aided by EEGs and brain scans, scientists have discovered that psychopaths possess significant impairments that affect their ability to feel emotions, read other people's cues and learn from their mistakes.
These deficiencies my be apparent in children who are as young as five years old.
When you tally trials, prison stays and inflicted damage, psychopaths cost us $250 billion to $400 billion a year.
The reseachers wrote:
Charming as they may seem, psychopaths can also be tone-deaf because they lack access to their own feelings and those of others. Imagine what it would be like never to be depressed or anxious, never to have regrets or low self-esteem but also never to care deeply for anyone or anything. Psychopaths' emotions are shallow: they feel irritated when they don't get their way and turn to risky behaviors for the flimsiest of reasons. Bereft of loyalties and passions, they wander through life, often straying into criminality on a whim — forgeries, thefts, assaults, even murders may be committed out of some trivial impulse. As for complex emotions such as devotion, guilt, or joy, theirs remains a textbook understanding — it has been said that they "know the words but not the music."
Dozens of studies reveal that psychopaths experience the world differently from other people. They have trouble making appropriate moral value judgments and putting the brakes on their impulses. They are also hampered in how they respond to emotions, language and distractions — a disconnect that is sometimes seen as early as age five.
Psychopaths are notable for their fearlessness: when confronted with images such as a looming attacker or a weapon aimed their way, they literally don't blink.
Chances are, you have met a psychopath. People with the disorder make up 0.5 to 1 percent of the general population. When you discount children, women (for reasons that remain a puzzle, few women are afflicted), and those who are already locked up, that translates to approximately 250,000 psychopaths living freely in the U.S.
Some researchers have estimated that as many as 500,000 psychopaths inhabit the U.S. prison system, and there may be another 250,000 more living freely — perhaps not committing serious crimes but still taking advantage of those around them.
Whatever the reasons, many psychiatrists are left with the false impression that psychopathy and antisocial personality disorder are the same. They are not. Antisocial personality disorder is a helpful diagnosis when the question is whether a person is likely to behave badly, but it does nothing to discriminate among criminals. Only one in five people with antisocial personality disorder is a psychopath.
The above was written by Kent A. Kiehl, a neuroscientist at the University of New Mexico, and Joshua W. Buckholtz, a PhD candidate in neuroscience at Vanderbilt University.
Contact them here:
Kent A. Kiehl
kkiehl@unm.edu
Joshua W. Buckholtz
joshua.buckholtz@vanderbilt.edu
These deficiencies my be apparent in children who are as young as five years old.
When you tally trials, prison stays and inflicted damage, psychopaths cost us $250 billion to $400 billion a year.
The reseachers wrote:
Charming as they may seem, psychopaths can also be tone-deaf because they lack access to their own feelings and those of others. Imagine what it would be like never to be depressed or anxious, never to have regrets or low self-esteem but also never to care deeply for anyone or anything. Psychopaths' emotions are shallow: they feel irritated when they don't get their way and turn to risky behaviors for the flimsiest of reasons. Bereft of loyalties and passions, they wander through life, often straying into criminality on a whim — forgeries, thefts, assaults, even murders may be committed out of some trivial impulse. As for complex emotions such as devotion, guilt, or joy, theirs remains a textbook understanding — it has been said that they "know the words but not the music."
Dozens of studies reveal that psychopaths experience the world differently from other people. They have trouble making appropriate moral value judgments and putting the brakes on their impulses. They are also hampered in how they respond to emotions, language and distractions — a disconnect that is sometimes seen as early as age five.
Psychopaths are notable for their fearlessness: when confronted with images such as a looming attacker or a weapon aimed their way, they literally don't blink.
Chances are, you have met a psychopath. People with the disorder make up 0.5 to 1 percent of the general population. When you discount children, women (for reasons that remain a puzzle, few women are afflicted), and those who are already locked up, that translates to approximately 250,000 psychopaths living freely in the U.S.
Some researchers have estimated that as many as 500,000 psychopaths inhabit the U.S. prison system, and there may be another 250,000 more living freely — perhaps not committing serious crimes but still taking advantage of those around them.
Whatever the reasons, many psychiatrists are left with the false impression that psychopathy and antisocial personality disorder are the same. They are not. Antisocial personality disorder is a helpful diagnosis when the question is whether a person is likely to behave badly, but it does nothing to discriminate among criminals. Only one in five people with antisocial personality disorder is a psychopath.
The above was written by Kent A. Kiehl, a neuroscientist at the University of New Mexico, and Joshua W. Buckholtz, a PhD candidate in neuroscience at Vanderbilt University.
Contact them here:
Kent A. Kiehl
kkiehl@unm.edu
Joshua W. Buckholtz
joshua.buckholtz@vanderbilt.edu
A Clarification on a Common Belief
"Man's inhumanity to man" should be changed to, "Sociopath's inhumanity to normal humans." It doesn't have the same poetic feeling, but it is more accurate.
Contact Me
Email me here: rising.up@gmail.com
2,335 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 2201 – 2335 of 2335She doesn't seem like a sociopath to me, JT. But of course, I am not sure about that. But her behavior doesn't seem exploitive enough to qualify as a sociopath. And she seems far too helpful and reciprocal for a sociopath.
Do any other subscribers have some input about this?
Hi: I told my sibling not to contact me and that I wanted nothing more to do with this abusive family. He asked if he had done anything wrong, but this is a trap of course; naming everything would take a long time and would only dig a deeper hole. He contacted me anyway last week to tell me about an inheritance; he has power of attorney over a deceased parent's estate. None of us expected anything since the parent was not wealthy but lo and behold there IS something and now he's (the sociopath) is distributing the funds. Nothing arrives when he says it will. I make the call after waiting, knowing he's feeding off the anxiety I'm feeling. But it's a large sum of money and I have a child in college. It will make a big difference. He knows this. He then claims to have forgotten to tell me that he has to wait a month...he comes up with some dumb reason. I ask if he has the money. He says no, then he says he'll send the check.
I'm of course going to cash the check; it belongs to me but the challenge is to not get hooked further into arguing with him about it. I'm seeking advice here about what to do, what I might not be seeing. He's angry that I won't see him anymore, and wants to continue to manipulate. Calling him on this doesn't help. I occasionally have fond feelings for this brother, but he does nothing to make me like him or want to be around him. Having the money issue come up in some ways makes things worse.
Some more things to mention. She has told me she doesn't want children because she is worried that she may carry the gene that causes sexual abuse, and she doesn't want that to happen to her children. I also don't think a sociopath would really care about this...
Now the things that do seem sociopathic to me are the outbursts she has when simple things upset her. I came home and mentioned she looked nice one time after she got new clothes, but she was expecting to hear how great she looked and a simple you look nice set her off enough that she retreated to another room to pout and was angry at me all night. This is her typical go to response if she doesn't get her way. SHe will get angry, sulk until I apologize. My apologies have to be done a certain way, a way she was taught in the hospital. You have to say you're sorry, accept blame, tell them how it makes you feel, and how it made them feel, and then how you will fix it. You are not allowed to give excuses for any reason, but instead take 100% of the blame.
I have apologized for so many things and taken 100% of the blame for things that I feel I should never have apologized for in the first place. It's to the point now that I apologize in such a manner until her head can clear, get over her ritual, and then in the morning when she is in her right mind again I can talk to her normally about it. Though, if I get too pushy, she will go back into her downward spiral.
The other trait which I'm not sure is typical of a sociopath or not is she is very snappy with me. If I talk while she is doing something that requires concentration, she barks back instead of just asking politely. I correct her on this from time to time and she says she is sorry and tries to work on it. She will control herself for awhile, but I think because of the abuse she has a hatred of men, and therefore doesn't respect them as much. When I ask her why she is this way with me, or exceptionally hard on me if I make a mistake, but not on other people if they do the same, she tells me because we are dating and I should know better by now. She also says I get her love and other benefits, that she feels if she snaps at me I will forgive her, whereas these other people will say screw this and walk.
I'm getting to the point now where I feel the need to correct her when she shows behaviour that isn't acceptable in a relationship, or with anyone for that matter, and if she gets to the point where she sulks and threatens to leave, well then that's her choice. I want to help her, but at the same time if she is unwilling to be helped, well then what else is there to do.
Most people on here seem to be fascinated by this Eric character, the self appointed sociopath. The truth is, a real sociopath would never brag about being one, even after they've been diagnosed as one, for several reasons.
1. They are usually narcissistic and that side of them would never allow them to admit that they are sociopaths.
2. Their survival depends on their ability to mimic what's normal so if they reveal to anyone, let alone the world that they're sociopaths, then they lose control and therefore won't be able to manipulate anyone. What they have is the element of surprise, that's why they move on to another target once they realize they can't manipulate someone.
3. Since they feel no empathy when while they're hurting someone and no remorse after, they don't comprehend what they're doing is wrong. So if they thing their behavior is normal, therefore, they won't think they're sociopathic.
4. For those of you who think you can change your sociopath friends, husbands, wives, children and family members, you're deathly wrong. They will never change. EVER.
Why?
Because you don't suddenly grow a conscience. Sociopaths are unable to empathize with anyone, show any love, feel remorse or care, because they don't possess those characteristics they were born without them and you certainly don't develop them in adulthood.
They don't care about family members, wives, husbands, friends, anything is a means to an end for them. They're parasites, they take what they want and move on, leaving heartaches and destruction in their wake.
PS. Sociopaths don't approach strong and secure people, because they can't manipulate them, so they go for the weak ones. Although it's not easy to spot one, but every once in a while they will make a mistake, for the simple fact that they can't always keep the charade going and you're lucky, you will catch one and when you do. RUN. RUN. RUN. Whether it's your son, daughter, wife, husband, friend. RUN. AND KEEP RUNNING. That's the only way you will get rid of them. CUT THEM OUT YOUR LIFE COMPLETELY.
THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE. THEY CAN'T. IT'S NOT IN THEIR NATURE.
Eric is just a wanna be.
JB
Sorry JT but your girl is a sociopath and the fact that you're apologizing for things you aren't sure you're suppose to is the red flag. Although what happened to her was horrible but she's now certainly using it to make you feel sorry for her and she's using that to control you. I must asked, do you have proof that she's been abused? I mean real proof, not what she told you. Sociopaths have a way of making their marks feel sorry for them as a form of control. they make you feel guilty for no reason and the fact that you told her she looks nice and she went off, those are not normal behavior friend. I don't know you or your life, but I was with one for 10 years and I know their symptoms and tricks like the back of my hand and used to make the same excuses. Mine told me that she was raped too and it never happened it just that he didn't what she wanted him to do sexually so she called her parents to accuse him, but I learned all this way much later in the relationship and that's how she would control me. Every abnormal thing she would do, it was because of the rape that actually never took place. She couldn't be faithful to save her life and she couldn't stop lying. And just because she said she doesn't want to have kids for the sake of passing genes that carry sexual abuse doesn't mean that she cares. It's the act that matters when it comes to showing emotion and even sometimes the sociopath can pull this act so well that it's nearly impossible to discern whether it's genuine or not. You seem like an intelligent man, but I think you're fooling yourself. Do a little exercise for me.
1. Find a place where it's quiet and sit there and replay everything in your mind from the day you met her.
2. Think real hard about everything she's ever done for you without you doing something much bigger for her.
3. Is she nice to you when she wants something and nasty to you after she gets it?
4. Does she get bored easily?
5. Does she flirt a lot when she's out and then justifies it?
6. Does she use her sexual abuse as an excuse whenever she does something you don't like?
7. Does she make you feel guilty for no reason.
8. Does she discourage you when it comes to do something that will not benefit her?
9 Does she make you feel guilty if you hang with your friends while she's home alone?
By the way there's no such thing as 'sexual abuse genes.' Just because you've been sexually abused, doesn't mean your children are prone to be abused. It's ridiculous.
Hope this helps.
JB, Here is an answer to all your questions....
As for her abuse, no, I can't 100% prove it happened, I thought of this too. Though there are some things sexually that she will not do because it reminds her too much of the abuse and when she gave me the green light to do them she started freaking out and crying once she could no longer see my face. I've dealt with a ton of girls who were abused, and she follows them almost exactly. Though she could be faking it, just doesn't seem like it.
1. Find a place where it's quiet and sit there and replay everything in your mind from the day you met her.
Did this, and it feels to me that she has done way more good than bad. I mean she would go out of her way to help me, and she still does this. Felt horrible when she wasn't living up to my expectations, but I had to find out through other people since she didn't tell me.
2. Think real hard about everything she's ever done for you without you doing something much bigger for her.
Again, she has done more for me than I have done for her, hands down.
3. Is she nice to you when she wants something and nasty to you after she gets it?
No, she is nasty at times when she wants things, and very nice after she gets them, she just seems more bi-polar in this sense.
4. Does she get bored easily?
Yes, but she is home alone while I'm at work, though she does lack patience.
5. Does she flirt a lot when she's out and then justifies it?
Yes and no. She would flirt to get people to help her, but if they started to go too far she would make it clear they aren't going to get anywhere. I think I would lean more towards the yes on this one, but that was mostly before we started dating.
6. Does she use her sexual abuse as an excuse whenever she does something you don't like?
She has once. I told her she can't judge if someone is fooling her when it comes to reading people, and she said she lived with someone who did that on a daily basis, she she should be able to read those kinds of people. I feel it's more an age thing (her being naive).
7. Does she make you feel guilty for no reason.
No, I never feel guilty unless I do something really stupid. I put her in a situation that was too close to her abuse, and she lost it, mental breakdown, I should have known better.
8. Does she discourage you when it comes to do something that will not benefit her?
No, in fact just the other day she told me to cancel a trip we had planned so I could save money to realize my dreams. She almost always seems to think of me and my financial situation before she thinks of her needs.
9 Does she make you feel guilty if you hang with your friends while she's home alone?
No she encourages me to do so whenever I want.
I am married to a sociopath...im struggling to keep myself together. The man i married isnt the man i now know. We got married in august of 2012 and within a month i started to notice him change. The look in his eyes was different, it wasnt him anymore. He blames me, but i know in
my heart thst i didnt change...i did however push all the wrong buttons by sticking up for myself wen he said mean hurtful things to me and challenged him wen i caught him dead in a lie. In february 2013 i found out i was pregnant and hsd cancer and that was wen he decided to leavethe marriage and put me through an emotional hell. I commited mysrlf to a mental hospital because in a matter of 7 months my world collspsed and fell apart. Life for me is hard. Somedsys he loves me and others he spends tearing me apart watching me self distruct. Its a terrible way to live
This week I watched the youtube series Puzzling People:The Labrynth of the Psychopath. It's made by Thomas Sheridan. It will help you recognize a psychopath and most important, the ways that they try to manipulate. Based on a long relation with persons having sociopathic tendency, I believe that Thomas hit the nail on the head.
The best thing to do is DON'T get involved with these kinds of people. They'll gladly put you through a living nightmare. And since they can't take responsibility for anything they do, they'll be sure to make you feel guilty about it. They'll try to drive you nuts.
One personal example of the 'Smear' technique that Tom describes in his youtube presentation. I broke off personal contact with the in-laws years ago. It's the only way to deal with their madness. My wife still goes to see them. My son says 'gramma' told him that I did it because i don't like their ethnic group. In other words 'gramma' told my son 'your dad's a racist'. Is that manipulation??? That's just one in a long long series of personal grief that I've endured with these people. They're nuts.
Years ago, I decided to see the kids through these trials and tribulations. So I do what I can. If I could, I'd break all contact between the boys and these lunatics. In the mean time. I just have to learn ways to cope.
mywifeisasociopath
this all makes fasinating reading. I have been questioning if my boyfriend fits the profile. He seems to lack empathy and only thinks of himself although he is not violent or agreesive...quite passive infact, cold and uncaring, he does say he loves me and will cuddle me but doesnt look me in the eye or stroke me. He has lied...and will maintain a lie when questioned (however we all lie and try and get away with it) His own goals are all that he cares about. We do get on well tho, maybe he ticks many of the boxes but not all. What i did think was even more interesting is all the people that want to believe they are sociopaths! Personally if you are able to question your condition enough to go research and identify it and then claim to be one i personally would say no you are not one as if you were you wouldnt give a dam either way! and it'd be of no interest to you, if you think you have the symptons then you are probably attention seeking for another reason i.e depression...theropy should help you people. I not trying to disrespect those people i find the fact you want to call yourself this and trigger the shock factor an interesting trait and i wonder what the name for your condition is, i wonder what mine would be lol
People who ask for 'eric' or any other socio: ARE YOU INSANE?
What is the number 1 description of a socio? They LIE
what is no. 2? they LIE
and three? They LIE, LIE, LIE!!
Please stop asking socios for 'honest' info. hmmm...they LIE!!!
Do you get it? they LIE good gawd..
Wonderful article. I have known a few sociopaths in my life. They don't stick around. I think they know pretty quickly that they can't get me to do/want from me. I notice that sometimes they enjoy being my acquaintance. Maybe that is what I provide, a cover so to speak. What they fail to recognize is that I am able to out them when I see another may be hurt. Example, a friend who is married to a sociopath. I know from his previous romances that he is suspected of child molesting. I belong to a large support network for which he is also a part. I always make sure to be upfront when asked about him. I also tell of his history. Now his current wife, my friend, can't have him near her grandchildren. He has been charged with molesting one of the children. His M.O. seems to be girls bet ween 11-25. Likes his women to be naive seems to me. He repells me.
My current problem is my immediate boss. I love my teaching position, but hate working with him. He is vindictive, manipulates certain people and has all the patience in the world to set people up and then trap them. He fooled me this year. I documented and bcc'd emails to my mentor all year. Thank God I did. He wrote a horrible review at our years end while all year complemented me on what a great job I'm doing. He is going to have to change a section of his review, but will stand firm with another area more subjective. I requested duties that place as much physical distance for the up coming year. It is too late to request a transfer. I may do so if he doesn't back off. I'm sure I got him in trouble at least a verbal lashing from his superior. He has done similar things to others and continues to harass. I pray he moves onto other prey! I feel horrible to admit that! I'm a two time cancer survivor. I have an upcoming surgery on June 13 th . Three more work days and won't see him again until September. The worst part is that sometimes I get so confused by his mixed messages that I don't know if I am commingle or going. This kicks in my attention issues and will confuse time or appointments when I am supposed to meet with him. I have never worked with such a difficult boss. Coworkers, yes, but not boss. Anyway, had to vent. I need to affirm for myself I'm not crazy. Your blog is a wonderful service to others. I hope you will use all the comments to support your research into understanding these CREATURES!
To Eric, I know the last post was a long time ago but I had to weigh in on this. I do not believe you, Eric, are a sociopath. For one thing, you seem to make these decisions consciously as if you are trying to be one. I think you enjoy the attention. You've made it quite clear through out your comments that you act upon emotion constantly. That isn't sociopathic behavior. Also, I don't believe you would've sought out this forum and given such details to simply explain the condition to people. You obviously wish to help people avoid sociopaths, which, makes you care about humanity. I think you are just a typical, spoiled, egotistical young man who probably experienced a lot of pain, either through your peers or your parents. You, at some point, chose to compartmentalize it and then enacted revenge on people as a way to alleviate some of your pent up anger and pain. I think you have been misdiagnosed and believe you can be helped. I think you have severe trust issues which prevent anyone, therapists included, from getting close at all. The event you staged with you father I believe was you trying to get an emotional response out of him, maybe as a way of getting to his real feelings about you. You're in a lot of pain. I can see that. I notice that when anyone asks you if you have other normal emotions for yourself, you avoid the question. You know that you do infact have feelings but it's easier for you to convince yourself and anyone else that you are a sociopath because it's easier to deal with. My advice is to not go down that dark road unless you want to end up being a Ted Bundy. I mean, I don't know, maybe that inspires you. I just think that your obvious conscious decisions to behave in what you know is the wrong way, shows that you have the ability to choose to do the opposite. The fact that you choose it shows that you are taking out your pain on other people. I do not think Ted Bundy or any other serial killer for that matter would've chosen to be the way they were. I've done a lot of research on the subject. They couldn't help it. Ted Bundy described his urge to kill as a brutal compulsion.
(Ana)
Dear Adam & all,
this blog and the comments are really great, trey proved all very helpful.
I would very much appreciate your thought on this:
my dance partner is a highly 'functional'sociopath. Because he is a great dancer, people tend to overlook his behaviour: manipulative, deceiving, no remorse, for the sake of spectacular steps. Since I deal with him also off stage, it results extremely stressful to be around him and see through him.
We have to complete a 3 months work, already signed for.
Please any advice on how to manage it?
After these 3 months, I am out of this. After trying anything logical and ilogical, I can certify we are different species.
Thanks in advance for you thoughts!
Ana,
I suggest you keep your head down. Don't make any waves. Don't call him a sociopath. Don't give any indication you know. Just get through it without causing him any reason to want to get revenge on you, and end your relationship for some excuse other than "I want to get away from you."
Good luck to you.
I've been reading the comments here with great interest. Firstly for the insight one gets into the minds of sociopaths. And secondly for how hopelessly inadequate most people are in dealing with their manipulations - when the strategies are fairly simple for dealing with the non violent sociopaths.
I've only ever met two sociopaths I know of. One was my boss for about a year. Contrary to what people think, sociopaths are highly prized in the business and public sector worlds - they act relatively normal, but make excellent organizational toe cutters. One of my staff spotted him instantaneously, and from day one said to me not to trust him. At first I didn't believe my subordinate, saying we had to give the new boss a chance to see if he was genuine. But six months later I rang my subordinate, said he had been dead right, and asked him how he had known from day one (he said he's come across them before and can spot that "thing" that isn't right about them). Some time later I found myself on a Sunday morning trying to talk another member of my staff out of committing suicide, as a result of the actions initiated by my boss.
Anyhow, my boss tried to do us all in and get us sacked, using the administrative methods of the Public Service (he lied a lot, as did his boss). Unfortunately for him, he was overconfident and over reached, and I did him in by giving administrative bloody noses to a lot of his associates who did the dirty work. He doesn't work in that area anymore. Probably moved him on to where he can do lots of damage with less formidable opponents than me.
Reading the comments here by the victims of sociopaths I am struck by the number of times the expressions of "feeling hurt", "being hurt" and "hurt feelings" come up. Sorry folks it's all a nonsense - you have been conned all of your life. One can only be hurt if someone else slaps, punches, hits or shoots you - it has to be something physical, otherwise it is you who are hurting yourself or your own feelings.
If one wishes to free ones self of the power you have given sociopaths to "hurt" you, one needs to invest some time studying and implementing elements of either Cognitive Behaviour Therapy or Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, where you learn that you are doing the hurting yourself (though others may manipulate you into doing so). The best book on it is the hard to find "Unfair Advantage" by Tom Miller. But the second best book has most of it's chapters available on-line at www.ThreeMinuteTherapy.com. And if one is having self esteem problems, read about that particular con job by downloading the "Overcoming Self Esteem" article by David Mills.
Your life will become a lot more peaceful when you realise that sociopaths and others actually have no power over you when using words alone. Coupled with the other great piece of wisdom that "Other People's Problems Aren't Your Own", you should be able to take control of your life back for yourself without too much difficulty.
Yes, the sociopaths in your life can still cause you great annoyance, for example, by legal means and making false claims to the Police about you. But that won't be physically harmful.
The only real danger is from those who don't care risking prison either by harming you, or in the case of women sociopaths, using sex to get other gullible men to do their dirty work for them. For this situation, it depends where you live in the world - whether you invest in a baseball bat, a shotgun or a Smith & Wesson. Remember though, most people commonly forget that their car can be a pretty deadly weapon if their life is in danger from sociopathic assailants.
Regards.
P.S. Further to my earlier post below describing how people can take control of their lives back from non violent sociopaths, I inadvertently left out the other must-have book for people who's life is being made a misery. "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J.Smith is the masterpiece in assertiveness training. The first two chapters describe how people manipulate you - whenever in conversation you feel guilty, ignorant or anxious - you are being manipulated. The rest of the book gives fairly simple techniques for wrecking the manipulator's game plan.
The verbal techniques described in this book, go hand in hand with the philosophy and techniques in the other books about not having "hurt feelings".
You have now been armed with all the techniques I know of for dealing with sociopaths - where you have to deal with them.
Personally, where it can be implemented, I find the simplest technique to be just wiping them off, and hold a grudge - keeping them wiped off for ever - no matter what people (including them) tell you about Christian forgiveness. Christian forgiveness is just a tool they use against you - it is their nature.
Regards.
Ms T: I have worked on my own histrionic traits through therapy and have noticed that many women with my type of personality, Appeasing Histrionic, seem to have come from a background in which the men in their families, and their partners have had strong sociopathic traits. I'm convinced that my father was scoiopathic and that his constant verbal abuse, physical punishment of me and my mother led me to developing my own personality disorder. I grew up in an emotionally charged, volatile home, hidden behind a veneer of middle class respectability. I later went on to have a series of disatrous, short lived relationships and eventually met a true sociopath. This guy bled me dry financially, ruined my confidence, was abusive towards my family, abused drugs and alcohol, and laughed in my face after the death of my still born baby, when I was crying profusely. The list goes on and on. Eventually I fled to the home of my adult daughter, rebuilt my life and never looked back. I had to look within to see what it was within me that attracted these types, and so entered into therapy. I began to understand my own HPD/NPD traits, which I was able to work upon because I wanted to make constructive changes. The major difference between me and my father was that I possessed empathy and a conscience and an insight into my own defects. This enabled me to begin to look at the incidents in my childhood that had led me to developing maladaptive defence and coping mechanisms, schemas and attitudes. I believe I still have narcissitic traits, not to the extent of being disordered, and it was those very traits that enabled me to find a way forward and rebuild my life. I eventually trained as a therapist. I am mentioning this, not because I can give you people any answers, but simply for the fact that I had, for the first time in my life, done something for myself and broken free. I am now in a healthy relationship and would never allow myself to be sucked into a negative cycle again. I recently cut all ties with a female friend whom I believe to be sociopathic. This was compounded by minor brain damage she suffered as a result of a car accident, after which all her previous sociopathic tendencies emerged in full force, whilst her intellect remained intact. She had become toxic and I had to cut her from my life and don't regret this or feel any guilt for this. She alienated all of her friends. There is a way forward after any kind of involvement with a sociopath, but you have to TAKE YOUR POWER INTO YOUR OWN HANDS. Don't engage with them. Don't try to beat them at their own game. Don't try to reason with them - you simply can't because they have no conscience. I couldn't get my head around the fact that my ex had no conscience and beleived that I could reason with him, and get him to take on board my pain. Now that I understand something of the nature of sociopathy, I know that this was a futile thing to do. My advice is to run, run, run, and don't look back. This is difficult if the sociopath is your own child and there are grandchildren, I know, but you need to engage the help of experts - Social Services, or other agencies and do all you can to keep those kids safe. Use your compassion for the children and don't waste it on their parents. You may need to grieve, for the person your child/partner/parent SHOULD have been, for the love they didn't give you, and you may need to look within to understand why you remained involved with these people. Seek therapy. Develop healthy self esteem. Develop a real love for yourself, and most importantly, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
Years ago, I had a "friend" who was a sociopath. When he saw he couldn't con me out of money, he wanted nothing to do with me. Sociopaths are indeed heartless, unfeeling individuals who care for no one. I agree that the best way to deal with one is to stay as far away from him/her as possible.
To Anonymous of July 8: Excellent post. I would like to comment on your comments about "being hurt". Only someone you love can truly hurt you, whether it be a parent, child or partner. The knowledge that they are a sociopath, and that they will never change their behavior toward you is empowering, because you stop trying to reason with them and you stop trying to "understand" them.
After reading up on all of this my first frightening thought was "Am I a Sociopath?" Then, after further realize, can thankfully say, "no, I am not a Sociopath." I feel great empathy for others, and deeply regret my actions when they have hurt someone in any way. I carry a lot of shame because of my mistakes. Most of my troubles have been brought on by my addiction to pain medication. This is where all the lying began, to cover up an embarrassing addiction. I have to admit that I have always wanted to be "right," in any given argument or to hold some sense of power in any given situation. Most of my anger is simply covering up my fear. And, I push people away because I don't feel good about myself. I feel unworthy of their friendships, or not "cool" enough to keep their friendships. At the end of the day, it's a self-esteem issue. This is an interesting blog though. The second frightening questions I did ask myself as a result of my reading here is, "Oh my God, is that what my ex-husband believed - that I was a Sociopath?" Maybe he did. He sure handled me in the way that it's been advised to handle a Sociopath. Restraining orders, taking my daughter away from me, withdrawing his love. All of that just absolutely killed me. I hope that he doesn't think that of me. I hope he realizes my issues were a result of drug addiction and poor self-esteem. When I was active in my addiction, I used to lay awake at night, watching him, thinking with such guilt in my heart, that I was hurting his spirit, that I was killing him, that even though things were good at the time, I knew I was doing wrong because I was still taking pills and I just believed that my actions, my moods, my projections and selfishness, that all of that was killing him inside. I have always been so sorry that I hurt him. I am sorry I've hurt my family, even myself. I still wonder how to move on because I still feel such shame. But, I guess here's the good news, what I've learned by way of this blog, is that ... I am not a Sociopath. A nut-job (I jest), quite possibly, but a Sociopath, I am not. I care for others, deeply.
The person who wrote "they must be depressed or hurt they aren't sociopaths" You most likely have never come into a relationship with one.I was married to one and for years because he had a horrific childhood I made excuses for him in my mind, most of the time I was confused because he had a way of manipulating that twisted everything.It was when I had his baby and he took our 2 year old for a visit and right in front of my eyes threw the car seat in the back seat, placed my son in the front and drove off recklessly acting like he was ging to kill him.I spent the whole day crying frantically,praying when he dropped him off it was as if nothing happened everything is normal, nothing going on here, no remorse, he was a master of disuise. Some may scoff and question why I didn't phone the police but you have to understand we have already been in front of the police, counsellors and he had a way of turning the tables on me because of my emotions and make me look like the out of control wife.Eventually I developed a strategy I would be very loving and do everything he said so when he visited the children he would do it in front of me, eventually it became a war that almost cost me my 2 year old daughters and my life but after a long 2 year battle I got custody only because when he got what he wanted after charming the courts he said he didn't want custody(even though I had constant police escorts to my vehicle after court appearances given by the judge)my last interaction from him for 10 years was him trying to kill my daughter and I with his car.Now 10 years later he came back to town getting recovery from heroin and just became a pastor in our area and has managed to manipulate everyone in to thinking that I am stalking him, and harassing him and sent police to my home accusing me and uses his title as a means to manipulate I now get it, I finally understand what I am up against, he is a sociopath he has no remorse, he's sending the cops to make sure my kids and I don't breathe a word of his past and even if we did he already set the stage to make us look like we are crazy or something is wrong with us .... really crazy, I can't even write the half of it.It's true cut all ties, right now we have nothing he desires and we are smart enough to see that we are going to keep it that way and make ourselves undesirable and believe he'll stay away it has taken me almost 20 years to come out from his grip and crazy making schemes..Be wise people I remember early on I had a sense there was something wrong with him but he always made me feel sorry for him, it was always someone elses fault even though the fault was clearly his, they are too good at what they do..Run!
I recently met a sociopath and noticed he clung to me because he thought I was really close the my Pastor, he began to behave really strange he lived in his van in our driveway he'd come in and eat our food and never return any favors as a grateful friend,eventually he would argue with me and tell me how he was almost a Doctor, then he almost a lawyer, he eventually started going behind my back and speaking on my behalf on issues that I can't get into, and the straw that broke the camels back was when he confessed to me while screaming over the phone in front of people (he was lying about me to) that if he did not get to speak into my sons life that my son was a rebel and could never submit to authority and something bad was going to happen to him.He spent many days talking to me acting like he was a professional and even said he was almost a Psychologist and I would oh my gosh give me a break, he had grandiose ideas of himself and was very verbally and emotionally abusive.I hung up and quickly made my break! Who knows what would have eventually happened I am just grateful I got away..
My sister married a sociopath. After many years of marriage, she is as bad as he is. During a time of great stress and distress from another of their extortions, I warned a family member about them (who apparently talked to them about it). They are now threatening to sue me (they have made a career of successful lawsuits). Does anyone know if a profuse apology is likely to satisfy them for now or would it likely make things worse?
A profuse apology couldn't hurt and just might work. Make it a good one. And let us know what happens, okay?
What attracts a sociopath? I have had a few in my life and am just beginning to understand the red flags now. I used to be easily manipulated, and tried so hard to please even though I had a nagging feeling inside not to trust them, I think in hindsight I craved their attention they most likely could pick up on my obvious insecurities.I have been one of those people who wears her heart on her sleeve in the past and am learning to keep my emotions in check and not be so reliant on a man to make me happy, I just became a target! I am a very deep person and loved stimulating conversations to a sociopath I was a playing field because of my generosity, loyalty, and child like faith,On the flip side when it became twisted in the eyes of a sociopath I became love sick, loyal to deception and a puppet on a string.. Reality check for this chick!! :) I am so happy I get it, not getting it were the most confusing years of my life it even screwed with my relationship with God and messed with my belief system..I am so looking forward to the next phase of my life, SP free!! Thank-you so much for all the information. Michelle
My question is this; do sociopathic children need affection? I realize that children cannot be diagnosed sociopaths, but we al know that mothers know best. It is helpful to know whether or not your child is or is not a sociopath, because at least you know what you're up against and you do not expect to ever be loved in return. I believe that God gifted society with these types of people in order for society to learn to love unconditionally. Though they will not receive it as such, you will be able use this ability to better the rest of the world. My motherly instincts tell me that affection is not good for my son, he uses it against me and it doesn't seem to do anything for him. I would like to know if other parents sense this and would like feedback from specialists such as diagnosed sociopaths or those who diagnose them.
"Mom,"
I don't know the answer to your question. I doubt if affection helps. However, guidance may help steer those sociopathic characteristics into something that can help society. I recommend you read the book, "The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success" by Kevin Dutton.
The question of kids is something I have found very little information about, and it is, of course, one of the questions we get most often here and with the most desperate need for answers. Here's what we've got so far:
http://sociopathcomments.blogspot.com/2008/11/question-of-kids.html
To the August 22 poster that wondered if he should apologize to his sociopathic brother in law: I am not a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure that warning someone about him is not something someone can sue over, otherwise the courts would be clogged with these suits. I think that is all bluster coming from him. Check with a lawyer if that will make you feel better. Call and ask for rates for a consultation fee. Some firms charge more than others.
This site is rediculous. A true sociopath would never admit that they have a problem. They are merely parasites on earth. I have a child with a sociopath. I love my son but I feel so guilty that this man is his dad. He is abusive is many ways. He is and all true sociopaths are a waste of oxygen and space. I have lived the past 18 yrs in pure hell with this person and my child has as well. You can never let your guard done with these people. It is rediculous that these people are allowed to live here on earth with the rest of us. And yes I'm bitter. When your child gets hurt, you wish nothing but the worst possible outcome for the person that did it. 18 yrs is too long. I hate sociopaths. Most don't deserve to live, especially when a child has been hurt.
I believe my sister might be a sociopath. My mother killed herself two weeks ago. Of course there were likely many reasons. But one of the main contributing factors, I believe, is that my sister recently became pregnant with her 3rd child and my mom was overwhelmed with the idea of mothering yet another baby. For the past 6 years my mom has been the primary caretaker of my sister's children (including a period of time when my sister became addicted to heroin, robbed my parents blind and abandoned her kids). My sister never graduated high school, has never been able to hold down a job or contribute to society in a productive way. She's on welfare now, continues to live at home with my dad and has no life plans. She doesn't show much emotion and doesn't seem bothered that my mom is dead although she claims she is sad. In fact, she seems pretty satisfied with life because she is pregnant with a new baby with her new boyfriend. She lies and manipulates, but she doesn't appear sadistic. I don't think she hurts people for the fun of it. She's affectionate with her kids, but she's also the most selfish person I've ever met. She always comes before the kids. She takes and rarely gives. She doesn't seem evil at all, just unable to appreciate how her actions affect other people. I guess I'm writing because I want to know if she sounds like a sociopath. Of course, I can't cut her out of my life, because I want a relationship with her kids. I don't think she'd intentionally hurt them, but neglect is another story. I love her, but don't know how to have a relationship with her. Thanks for reading.
AJ, you seem very intelligent and have appraised the situation very well. Your sister's children will surely need you to be there for them in the years to come, but you have to always remember to stay firm with your sister and not allow her to use you as she did your mother. It will probably be a delicate balancing act. As far as whether she is a sociopath or not, as Adam has said, sociopathy is a sliding scale of a few or many sociopathic traits. All you can do is take one day at a time. At least you know what you are dealing with, while others of us have struggled for years trying to understand. Thank you, Adam, for this website.
You're welcome. This comments site was really created by people like AJ. I was hearing so many stories like this that it seemed obvious these should be available for others in the same boat, and people like you who have been through it and have hard-earned wisdom to share.
Thank you for answering AJ. I couldn't have done it better myself.
My sociopathic sister is the executor of my family's estate and has not only "stolen" my inheritance, but has me in a financial choke hold.
I haven't the money to hire a lawyer but she can use (as stated in the Irrevocable Trust) my money to hire an attorney if I challenge the Trust. What kind of legal action can I take to hold her accountable for her actions since my parents' death and how can I get my third of the assets and get away from her. (She convinced my mother to include my niece in the Trust)
Sorry, I guess my question doesn't really follow the thread of this blog but trust me, there is a lifetime of repugnant, malicious, hateful, hurtful, selfish, greedy, ugly, embarrassing, stressful, mean and mean spirited, despicable, unconscionable, amoral, foul, vindictive, vain, self centered, self serving, horrific, manipulative, cold, heartless, disgusting, deceitful, evil details, that I could go into, to name a few, but it would be a bit repetitive.
Everywhere I turn for help, I am told to, "run and get as far away from her as possible".
I will run once I get back the money she stole from me and after I find a lawyer who can put her where she belongs, behind bars.
I have an 18 year old daughter. We have struggled for years with her defiance, disrespect, verbal abuse, drunken episodes, use of Marijuana, violating curfew, and then moving in with my mother at the age of 14 because we just couldn't deal with it anymore. It seems that she had a healthier relationship with my mom but it seems that my mom never set strict boundaries and kind of let her do what she wanted just to avoid the battles. My daughter has been hospitalized in the past for "harming" herself. She was diagnosed with ADHD, depression, and ODD(Oppositional Defiance Disorder) when she was 15. When she was 17 she was diagnosed as Bipolar and more recently she has been diagnosed (same doctor that diagnosed bipolar) as border line personality disorder.
The more I read about sociopathy, the more I believe that she is a sociopath.
She is the consummate victim. She has told so many lies about myself and my husband.
We let her move back home several weeks ago. But as soon as she moved back in, it was like a tornado hit our home. As long as you agree with her and tell her what she wants to hear, everything is fine, but if you go against her then all heck breaks loose and it is cussing and yelling and disrespect.
Long story short, we have an 8 year old in the house too. We can't continue to expose her to this behavior and think that it is acceptable and let it scare her as well. I couldn't continue to walk on egg shells in my own home so we basically put her out.
She had moved back in with her "boyfriend" and we just told her that there was no coming back. No more borrowing our cars, no more coming to us for money, no more. We are done enabling her because we are done with this cancer.
Question I have is how do I know if she is sociopathic, Narcissistic, Bipolar, etc.
Does it really matter? Was I right in cutting her out of our lives until/if she gets herself together?
My heart breaks for her but I have also readied myself to lose her at an early age because of her behavior. I love her but I have to preserve myself and the rest of my family. Please help me.
Joelle, it seems like a good idea to protect your younger daughter (and your own sanity) by kicking your older daughter out, as heartbreaking as that is.
The most difficult issue that comes up for people when sociopaths are involved is dealing with children. We've got a page started to collect information that might help with it:
http://sociopathcomments.blogspot.com/2008/11/question-of-kids.html
So far, very few of the experts say much about it, probably because there's not much to say since no good solutions are possible, but that seems so pessimistic. So I hold out hope that someone will be able to share something helpful at some point.
Anonymous, I wish you luck. If you would be so kind, let us know what happens, and especially if it was worth it.
I am married to a sociopath. He inherited this from his family. They are all this way. (really) They have all been diagnosed with Bi polar manic depressive w/ violent tendencies and being sociopaths. My husband has gotten worse and worse every year. He is a master manipulator, Lair, user- and abuser. If he doesn't get what he wants- look out. He doesn't care about anyone or anything unless he gets money from them. If you are not "useful" to him- he throws you away- no matter what. He finds women on FB and manipulates them into thinking he's a helpless virgin victim of a bad marriage. He then tries to seduce them and has tried to abandon me and my girls 3 times- he recently tried to commit suicide in order to make people feel sorry for him. He blamed me and every one else for it. HE has no compassion- no remorse- and will never admit guilt- but will guilt you for everything and will flip out over the least little thing. He is "charming" and uses that to manipulate women- he manipulated me out of every cent and has ruined me financially- I have been very very sick for 14 yrs and he has tried to kill me 5 times- he killed on of my aniamls in cold blood and denied ever doing it. He is a cold blooded calculated killer. Everyone around him thinks he's this great guy and he manipulated people into thinking that he's the victim. He even brags about how he manipulates the psychiatrists into thinking he is fine- and how easy it was to lie to them. He has asked for a divorce so he can have sex with strangers- he is engaging in erradic behavior and will switch personalities from day to day - not remembering what he said because he changes personalities. He is the sole breadwinner in the family due to my chronic and deadly illness- he controls everything and he knows it- he wants to abandon me and watch me slowly die because it would give him pleasure. He refused to get married in a catholic church and have a big wedding because "I wouldn't be the center of attention" - he was mad because he would have to share the presents. HE is an only child and only grandchild and he is showered with money form his grama and even though they know he is sick- they don't care- the still give him money and won't make him work for it- he just cries poor mouth and blames me and they fall for it- of course- they are also mentally ill- so they don't want to see it. I have been in hell for 23 yrs and can't depend on his support after this divorce- he is changing his name and ordering a passport- he does not intend to help in any way shape or form and told me he would quit his job and move out of the country in order to not pay alimony. He is very dangerous and tried to get into car accidents on purpose and does not care what happens. HE tell me he doesn't care if I die - and he would be very happy if I did. He has tried to choke me to death and has turned on the gas and walked out in an attempt to extinquish my life. I have no choice but to live with him as I have no money and no where to go- he will not help me in any way shape or form- and is completely lack of any compassion. HE says he wants to go to prison or the loney bin so people will leave him alone and not bother him. He is a very sick man. I can't take it any more- His entire family is sick as well as drug addicts and alcoholics. They are taking his side and protecting him even though they know I'm right. It is insane- a life of pure hell.
I still do not know if my daughter is a sociopath for certain.
What I do know for certain is that we have all come to this blog because we have been affected by someone in our lives that suffers from a mental health/anti social disorder and it has driven us crazy.
We are hurting because of someone in our lives.
The first thing that we had to admit was that this person had a problem. The next thing was that we could not fix their problem.
I have come to terms that I may lose my daughter at an early age because of her decisions and her actions and there is nothing that I can do about it and I cannot beat myself up for this.
I refuse to walk on egg shells any longer. I refuse to be held hostage physically, mentally, and emotionally any longer. It sounds like many of you have come to the same conclusions as well.
This is not an easy journey. My husband and I are seeking counseling to ensure that we are prepared for the battles that we are going to face with our daughter and to help us help our younger daughter.
Cutting off a loved one is not something that can be done without a great deal of stress and remorse. I now realize that I am going to have to go through the mourning process for my daughter but we will need professional help as I am sure many of you will too.
Please make sure that you are taking care of yourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally when separating from these people in your lives. Please remember that this is a big step in your life and while it is necessary, it is painful. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Thank you in the mean time for the support.
This is a wonderful and helpful comment on sociopaths. I have a sister who I think is a sociopath. She fits all the description categories. The only way I can deal with her is to "not" deal with her. She can't stand it when someone succeeds or does something well, she will do everything she can to get attention and she will steal, lie or whatever to get what she wants.
I still love her but I cannot be around her. I think she could be dangerous and one of her daughters, I think, could be dangerous, too. So, I stay away from her.
What else can I do when I find that I have to deal with her? She always has a way of making me feel guilty for being successful, happy or just accomplishing things in my life.
Thanks so much for this post!
Here are more suggestions about what you can do:
http://www.youmeworks.com/hhpwbyd.html
My Stepson was a sociopath. Our lives were constantly in upheaval. Our younger children and my husband have been terribly manipulated into feeling sorry for him. He did not want to change, to get councelling. He said he liked his life, he only wanted to live consequence free... to have money and nice things with no job, to be free from judgement or dicipline. He convinced those around him to help him live this way. He liked to party, do hard drugs and drink excessively. He left a guilt storm in his wake from the time he was a child, and my husband has been brainwashed. His stories and actions never added up, so many lies told to provoke sympathy. Yet there was never true feelings from him, something was always off. He had no remourse, no guilt, always an excuse for why he hurt someone, why he lied, and it was always someone else's fault. He comitted suicide last year. He could not continue living up to his lies and false life. He was enraged at what his girlfriend and family have expected of him (no more blame game, no more excuses, no more drugs) and it was quickly coming to a head. He ended his life in rage. Our family is falling apart now, worse than ever. We had distanced ourselves from his behavior for a couple years prior to his death. Now my husband and the other kids are feeling guilt, and sooo sorry for him still. I am angered and afraid for our futures. I don't know what to do anymore. The sociopath continues to win. He certainly showed us.
I suggest you read the "Thirteen Rules for Dealing with Sociopaths" by Martha Stewart. Click here to read it.
I'll give you a few excerpts below:
Make the Rule of Threes your personal policy. One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you're dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly.
Do not give your money, your work, your secrets, or your affection to a three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.
The best way to protect yourself from a sociopath is to avoid him, to refuse any kind of contact or communication.
Psychologists do not usually like to recommend avoidance, but in this case, I make a very deliberate exception. The only truly effective method for dealing with a sociopath you have identified is to disallow him or her from your life altogether. Sociopaths live completely outside of the social contract, and therefore to include them in relationships or other social arrangements is perilous. Begin this exclusion of them in the context of your own relationships and social life. You will not hurt anyone's feelings. Strange as it seems, and though they may try to pretend otherwise, sociopaths do not have any such feelings to hurt.
You may never be able to make your family and friends understand why you are avoiding a particular individual. Sociopathy is surprisingly difficult to see, and harder to explain. Avoid his/her anyway.
If total avoidance is impossible, make plans to come as close as you can to the goal of total avoidance.
If someone without conscience insists that you "owe" him or her, recall what you are about to read here -- that "You owe me" has been the standard line of sociopaths for thousands of years, quite literally, and is still so. It is what Rasputin told the Empress of Russia. It is what Hannah's father implied to her, after her eye-opening conversation with him at the prison.
The advice above to read the Thirteen Rules, is for the victim of a sociopath.
For you, Anonymous, whose son committed suicide and whose family is wracked with guilt, the answer is education. If they understood the nature of sociopathy, and understood that it cannot be changed and nobody is at fault in its creation, the guilt should at least diminish if not disappear.
This may not be something to approach too soon after your son's death with the rest of your family, but maybe something to think about for conversations in the future.
It's a horrible thing you've had to go through, and I hope your family recovers eventually. It seems possible.
In Canada, it's way more than 1 or even 4%...more like 50%.
When you feel like half the people you know are sociopaths, it could mean one of at least two possibilities: You work in a job that attracts sociopaths, and/or you choose friends that have sociopathic tendencies.
It's also entirely possible something about you brings out the selfish, conniving part of half the people who meet you.
I guarantee you, the percentage of Canadians who are sociopaths is not significantly higher than anywhere else.
I was mobbed out of my last job by at least one sociopath and have been unable to find work ever since because of blacklisting. You can avoid/escape psychos in your personal life but good luck getting away from them in the workplace. I am convinced through experience that every office has at least one sociopath and often times I get stuck working with them. I have theories on why but I won't get into that.
The sociopath boss at my last job was a serial bully who seemingly got off on seeing people suffer. She always chose subordinate women to target and picked one off at a time. Her MO was to spread lies about the target and persuade other employees to join her in her effort to drive the person out.
Since the sociopath was a manager, employees would tend to believe the lies or go along out of fear of being next. Nearly all of the target's co-workers would no longer associate with the target; some of them would watch the target like a hawk and report back to the Sociopath boss; and a few would go one step further and actively harrass and sabotage the target.
Yes, this happened to me and what was most appalling was how the sociopath boss was able to turn my co-workers against me. It was surreal, like a Stanley Milgram experiment.
So my question is are the co-workers also victims of my sociopath boss or could they also have sociopathic tendencies themselves? How do you tell who is the sociopath and who is doing bad stuff to please someone else?
Are the co-workers victims of the sociopath? Not in the same way you are. They may be going along with the boss's program out of fear or ambition, and the sociopath is manipulating these motivations.
How can you tell the difference between someone who is doing a sociopath's bidding and who is a sociopath themselves? By looking at the characteristics of the person apart from this specific context. To mob you out of your job was one activity. And in that particular context, it may be difficult to distinguish a sociopath from a minion. But what about in other contexts? How do they treat each other? How do they treat their family members?
Thank you for the reply. I believe my ex-boss is a full-blown sociopath and two of the ex-colleagues I was mobbed by have sociopathic tendencies. One of them would talk about barfights she'd get into and the other was estranged from her family and later suspected of stealing from the employer. Of course their anti-social behavior was encouraged and protected by my ex-boss.
I think women sociopaths are undercounted and underestimated. These sociopaths, from my experience, tend to do their dirty work on the sly so their targets can't prove who is behind the maliciousness and hence can't properly address it and protect themselves.
I've seen them use their sexuality to get men in power to do their bidding. They are also highly adept at using the victim card whereas male sociopaths can't do that as effectively.
I look forward to the day when the topic of female sociopaths can be taken just as seriously as their male counterparts.
Thank you for providing the forum to talk about this.
I have finally resolved to get out of a 21 year marriage to someone I now believe may be a sociopath. He has a good job and makes good money. I think his game to win is saving money. He puts most of his efforts into this. He also works in the ER and gets a lot of his excitement there. I believe he is a skilled physician, but shows no empathy for his patients.
In regards to his personal life, everything is someone else's fault. If he doesn't do something he is supposed to, then it is my fault because I didn't do enough housework. Even though we are in a community property state, he has maneuvered a large portion of the money into his name. He lies all the time, even about stupid things. I used to think it was about conflict avoidance, but I am not so sure any more. He never apologizes to me or the kids for anything he does. He always makes you feel that you are not quite good enough. He is always trying to make you feel sympathy for him and make you feel guilty. When I have tried to talk to him about issues, he used to try and hug me to get me to shut up and when that quit working he just ignores me when I am talking. Literally stares at his iPad, book or falls asleep and doesn't even respond or look at me. When there is an issue with one of our children, he blames it on me.
I tried to leave him when the kids were little, but let him back in. I have stayed because his behavior is not enough to prove abuse so that he has supervised visitation and I could not bear him to have unfettered access to the children for extended periods of time when they were too young to fight back. My youngest is now 16 and he absolutely does not want to live with his father. My 19 year old daughter HATES him and is the one who pointed out to me that she thinks he is a sociopath. We all feel like we are nothing more than possessions or pets to him. Since I have quit trying to defend his actions in order to preserve his relationship with his children, I have learned of the ways he has been trying to turn them against me.
I am uncertain how he will react, because this time I am moving out with the kids instead of kicking him out and he will realize he can't worm his way back in. He says he doesn't have a temper, but it is a scary one when it surfaces. He has never been physically violent, but the potential is there. He wrestled me to the ground once and took the phone away because I was defying him and ordering pizza when he thought I should cook dinner.
Fortunately, I have what I believe is a secure job and a good lawyer. I am fearful that he will drag the divorce out and fight for custody, but I hope that his desire to conserve money and not pay it all to the attorneys will be stronger than his desire to fight me. I know that he will try to convince the court that I am an alcoholic and a lazy mother and it will not he fun dealing with this. At least I know how the legal system works and I hope I can play this game better than him.
I still feel sorry for him because I believe his mother was just like him and wish I could help him, but the kids and I can't endure any more.
I know an entire family of psychopaths. I am not joking. They live within 15 minutes of each other, 3 siblings and their mother for their entire lives, and they don't ever contact each other. If they see one another in town they act like they're happy to see each other. They all say they just 'drifted' apart and they are the coldest people you will ever meet. The fourth child committed suicide in his bathroom. We assume he was the 'normal' one ...
Can Sociopathy be 100% environmental? I know a guy that is a textbook definition of a sociopath but there's no indication of anyone like him in his family. He is a fifth generation Mormon from a very good family. (I'm not trying to convince anyone that Mormons are any better than any other group or religion, but although they may be annoying there are not many I've heard of that are considered evil.) But religion aside, there is no record of anyone like him on either side of his family for generations. As far as I know none of his relatives have a criminal record, yet he is a total maniac.
He's been busted for many drug crimes, violent crimes, theft, burglary and forgery, and those are just a fraction of the crimes he has actually committed. He has done so many unspeakably bad things to his family that most of the Gyllenskog family are completely numb to his sociopathic criminality. He gets away with a lot of his crimes by being a police snitch. He would stab anyone he knows in the back to keep his freedom, including flat out lying about them (he is a pathological liar).
He started hanging out in a very bad crowd as a young teenager. So bad that his entire family packed up and left California and moved to "Mormonville" just to get him away from it. He immediately found the worst crowd in the area and picked up right where he left off. His parents are incredible people with a great reputation and he had a great childhood. What can make someone like him just snap and become evil? It can't be genetic in his case can it?
For over twenty years he has continued to steal everything in sight, deal drugs, terrorize people, lie to destroy people's reputations, abandon most of his children, sleep with every crack whore in town and make his family absolutely miserable. His last two engagements (as well as some other relationships) ended with a restraining order against him. His parents and children are embarrassed of him. He can lie and weasel his way out of almost every situation with his silver tongue. Now that he is a police snitch he has a virtual get out of jail (trouble) free card and uses it to it's full advantage. He has even recruited one of his daughters as an accomplice and protégé to assist him with his criminal behavior. How is someone like that created?
That is the question, isn't it? How does sociopathy happen? Nobody knows. The best guess is genetics, but that doesn't mean anyone in his family is a sociopath. It could require a series of recessive genes to be present in both the mother and the father.
It is also possible that there ARE other sociopaths in the family, but they keep their heads down or are very secretive about what they do.
Now to start this off I am not making an attack on the author or any ones "ideals".
While a part of me wants to say, "I am not one of these horrible people we need to find a way to treat them and get rid of that weakness!" I am not. I show frequent sociopathic tendencies in every situation from family, to friends, to "lovers", etc.
While yes it is true any sociopath is severely lacking in conscious and standard emotions, they are not devoid of "LIFE". As you stated in your post it seems as if your view is that all sociopaths are out to do some dastardly deed. I would like to point out that isn't that case. I have known a few sociopaths and myself who's "games" aren't to ravage the world and all they know. Their goal is to do other things, which are beneficial, preservation of the environment, getting justice for unjust acts, etc. Mine is to either follow someone who can do something meaningful or be that leader. I admit, I have manipulated others in my "Warpath" as people who are against sociopaths would say. I have though not played on pity and such poorly chosen emotions, a) because they are inferior emotions which can't be trusted, b) the backfire potential is to high and c)that is what a weak willed individual would do. Lastly I'll admit I do mimic the motions of the "All high and might, normal people" as if they were my own I am not saying there aren't cruel minded sociopaths in the world, but I am saying that every single one is not the devil and if the statistics are right then it would seem best to try and understand the sociopathic mind instead of attack it. I would like to state that I made sections of this harsher sounding due to the extremely harsh way in which sociopaths are depicted in this post. In the end if you are with a sociopathic person who degrades and treats you wrong. Be the smart person and exit it. If not you could try and understand the disorder not shun it.
If I am to believe that everyone who isn't a sociopath has this deep empathy for everyone then it would make sense to at least treat a sociopath like a human. Unless that is they are harming someone.
P.S the biggest truth in this is the boredom. It is torture at times so staying occupied is very telling to see if someone is a sociopath
What about sociopaths and their own children? I believe my daughter is a sociopath. She has three children. She shows no real empathy, nuturing or any of the normal things a mother would do. They are 7, 5, and 9 months (thankfully she tied her tubes after the last one. I begged her too, but I know she only did that because it's what SHE decided to do.) I worry for my grandchildren. My oldest has been in 5 schools in the last two years. He is only in the first grade. She will not leave them with us (she is able to use them to get things she wants), but doesn't really care for them. She has taken them about three hours away at this point. She has moved more times than I can even remember. I can't "prove" enough to take them, yet I worry daily about them. How will this effect them. She constantly has a new man and that seems to be her main focus- her current bed partner (or should I say bank roll?)
As hard as I've looked for answers to your question, I've found almost nothing. I've started a place to compile information or suggestions about the kids issue here:
http://sociopathcomments.blogspot.com/2008/11/question-of-kids.html
If you come across anything helpful, please send it my way. Thank you and I'm sorry I can't help more.
I have a sister who is a sociopath. The book "The Sociopath Next Door" by Marcia Stout is very helpful. Over the years I have watched my sister lie and manipulate people for her own advantage. She even "targets" people who have done nothing more to her than be prettier, own a nicer car, or have self confidence. She covertly tears them up. People like this are scary because I know she enjoys hurting people. I don't understand why but I know enough to disconnect any relationship from them. They don't change and trying is a waste of time. If you are tender hearted, honest and a genuine sweet person stay that way but run from a sociopath. They will take advantage of you and tear you down.
The sociopath that I am currently dealing with is actually the second female sociopath to attempt to worm her way into my life, but this current one is a smarter and a little more diabolical. I know that she poisoned myself and a couple of friends with food that she shared with us and after she did something illegal that we knew about and called her on it. The problem is, it didn't occur to me until about a week or so later I'd been poisoned otherwise I would have kept some of the food to have it tested. I have watched her jump from person to person in her life. Each new one that comes along that she seemingly sees as a good victim, she showers them with attention, gifts and compliments for a short period and then one day it just stops and she either ignores you as if you do not exist or she becomes actually angry with you, showing contempt for your very existence. I have watched her use her only son as an excuse for her behavior, accuse him of stealing things that she herself has stolen , etc. God only knows what she does with him behind closed doors. She goes from one person to the next spreading vicious lies about whoever she is targeting at that moment. She intentionally initiates ridiculous amounts of drama for fun. She is separating friendships and enjoying every moment of it, I can tell. she is very dangerous, but in a sneaky kind of way, and there are many around her who do not seem to see how truly evil she is. She is currently stuck like glue to a girl who was at one time a good friend, because I believe she views this person as a good target, as she is emotionally/mentally vulnerable and can be fairly easily persuaded into believing things that to me, are obvious lies. I hope she watches her back, because I have a bad feeling things are not going to end well for her. She is being taken for a big ride and just cannot see it.
I have lived with a woman for 23 years who shows every trait mentioned here also my 3 kids all have same traits
I just can't get along with them they are just not like me.
When I look back I can see how I was mentally abused by the 4 of them and even now I've been divorced 7 years they still come and try to abuse me and I have had to take steps to keep them all out of my life and like to add that yes this female mainly put me through hell for years.
(Addison) question for Eric. Im in a new relationship and have suspicions the guy is sociopath. He is highly sex driven, more than anyone I've ever met, he has a history of broken relationships, they have been long term, although its "always the girls fault" when they break up. I have been told by others he cheated quite easily on them, although makes out as if they have done wrong by him, almost making me feel sorry for him. He dragged me in when he was still in a relationship, he has recently split from her and come straight to me, he seems overly charming and confident and a little to good to be true. He has basically offered me the world and told me everything I want to hear, we have been seeing each other about 2 weeks and he has told me he is already falling in love with me. He has told me has loved one person genuinely about 5 years back but she broke his heart. I don't want him to be a sociopath as I really am starting to like him, drama does tend to follow him and all rumours he denies very well. He does seem to very genuine at times, and does have a lot of very good friends, but could this all be a cover? He also cannot sit still, he has to be doing something all the time, very much into hunting, fishing, shooting etc. He does seem to care for his pigging dogs if injured, but can be really tough on them at times. Some insight would be much appreciated. Thanks
Adam, I have a comment/question.
I know it is said that no one knows where sociopathy comes from, and that research shows that childhood abuse has nothing to do with it. But I have read other comments from people saying they knew sociopaths who were abused. And I personally have known sociopaths who claimed to have been abused. But it came out later that 2 of these sociopathic women I knew were lying about the abuse. One of them even sued her own father and won a settlement over the abuse, and only years later admitted that it was a lie.
My question is, wouldn't this be very sociopathic behavior to invent stories about abuse or greatly exaggerate how bad one's childhood was? It seems to fit in with the manipulation, blaming others, tricking people into pity, and in the extreme case I mentioned financial gain.
And one more question. If someone has all of the characteristics of sociopath, with the exception of the charm/charisma and above average intelligence, can they still be a sociopath. Or do they more likely have some other personality disorder such as narcissism?
Thanks.
Yes, inventing stories of childhood abuse would be very consistent with sociopathic tendencies.
It is also possible that a sociopath could have had a sociopathic parent who abused them.
Charm and charisma are a sociopath's CHOICE. They only only pour on the charm when they believe it serves them. And they aren't necessarily above average in intelligence. Only more likely. So if you had an unintelligent sociopath, he or she might not understand fully just how useful charm can be to their goals.
All of that makes sense. Thanks for the insight.
I come from a rather large family and for the past 12 years or so have suffered verbal and psychological, attacks on me from 2 of my sisters. At first i didn't know what was happening, couldn't understand how these 2 sisters could treat me with such disregard and manipulation. Then i read Dr. Stout's book "The Sociopath Next Door". Wow, everyone should read this incredible book. It gave me the answers i was looking for. Dr. Stout actually goes as far to tell readers how to deal with sociopaths. I know i am not a sociopath because i have great empathy for others and i feel shame and guilt over things i might do that are not exactly right. I do not feel superior to others in any way, nor could i treat others with haughty disdain the way my 2 sisters treat me. Although it has been very difficult to follow Dr. Stout's advice, i am doing so for the sake of my children, because i do not want my children exposed to these family sociopaths. These 2 siblings of mine have actually tried to skirt around me to get at my children, if you can believe that. They have no shame. I really believe what Dr. Stout says about North America being a breeding ground for more and more sociopathy. We are a "me, me, me" society. It is very scary behaviour.
In response to this person's comment: I don't feel close to anyone and that use to bother me, ........ .. I mimic behavior of others because I don't really know what to do in certain situations.... These things do not necessarily sound like sociopathic behavior. First of all regarding the fact that it used to bother you that you don't feel close to people - if you were truly a sociopath you would not care about that at all, ever. And regarding your statement about not knowing what to do in certain situations - lacking social skills is a problem that many people have and is also characteristic of disorders other than sociopathy (for example Aspergers to name one), and mimicking others behaviors when you don't know what else to do is called having good adaptive behavior skills! You also mentioned their must be something to help "people like you," my advice is TRY GOD. Pray, honestly seek Him and see a good Christian counselor. God bless you and good luck with your struggle.
In previous comment with "stabbing" I didn`t mean it literally. Sometimes it is very exhausting to deal with sociopaths and sometimes it is not worth it, so no contact seems good idea, thought. When you try to control sociopath, then you shouldn`t forget about your own values, because sometimes only with sociopath's methods you can control sociopath.
this is a question for sociopath if they ever happen to read this comment. Can a Sociopath parent ever love their child? I believe both my parents are sociopaths and I have split from them but I am willing to have a relationship with them only if they can have love. If not then I don't see them ever changing or me ever having a relationship with them as it is I am have not contact with them at the moment. Child of a Sociopath Parents.
Right now I am sittng in my x girlfriend s parents house. Ive been here . It is Saturday. Ive been here since monday. I almost got arrested because she has done everything it took her to provoke me. She crossed me and her own family. I told her that I never met a person like u before. I didnt understand y was she doing all this. I decided to read up on things here in the internate. And it was all there. All the facts where there. My jaw droped!!! At the beginning I had no idea! Its a clear now.I came here with little and have no choice to leave with less. She even had the nerve to ask me to leave her my flatscreen tv. Like if this was a joke. Sad thing is she has three children and one is mine. I have to figure out a way to convince the courts that when in leave the children will be in danger. She is unfit and incapable. If seen it with my own eyes and her own parents know it. Those others just dont know yet. I found out alot her and her lies now that I must leave. I neef to get the law and a lawyer involved. I am going make it my first priority to take my son away from her. This has been the biggest nightmare in my life.
Hi I would be so grateful for some advise in how to deal with our Daughter in law because she refuses to let us see our two Grandchildren and doesn't even let our Son come to see us.When we first met her we thought she was a nice friendly hard working girl,how wrong we were.She soon worked her way into staying with us and proceeded to rule the house,she was very good at making us feel sorry for her,thqat's the only excuse I have for letting her get away with so much.Anyway the long and the short of it is she's now married to my Son and they have two beautiful little boys who we love with all our hearts.We got to realise we weren't dealing with a normal person but only realised just what she is when googled her personality traits and ticked every box but one on a psychopath website.she is so cruel and heartless,never admits to being in the wrong,is always causing one drama after another out of nothing,is constantly finding reasons to take one of the children to the hospital.After the last drama that occurred after what I thought was a normal phone conversation she hasn't allowed us to see our son or Grandchildren.Please could you advise us what would work with her so that she would let us see them we miss them so much and weworry about them when she's on her own with them too because our Grandchildren are only 3yrs and 1yr old.
I have seen very few answers to the question of kids. If we ever find anything, we'll put it here:
http://sociopathcomments.blogspot.com/2008/11/question-of-kids.html
I don't really know what to tell you about how to see your grandchildren, except this: What a sociopath wants is not to be bored, and to win. Maybe if you give your daughter in law what she wants, she'll give you access to your grandchildren.
You could try to use the legal system to gain access, but it seems likely she doesn't do anything bad enough to justify (for a judge) a legal intervention.
I have been blindsided by a sociopath who is also a narcissist. Or maybe they all are. Stole my life, my identity , my money and drove me almost insane. I found help in books, forums, online articles . Now I am trying support groups . I am afraid of retaliation every minute of every day and I am trying to get away slowly , hoping they will lose interest and move on to another target . Law enforcement does not help as the kind of abuse and manipulation perpetrated is so subtle it is difficult to explain or prove . I am in hell.
I was a victim of two sociopaths simultaneously. One is a well protected Catholic priest, I like to call him the chief sociopath, then the second was a principal of the school I was working at, She is the covetous type. They were lovers and I was the triangulation victim. I just recently read "The sociopath next door" So I can better understand what happened to me. I ended up with anxiety and PTSD after the even. I had no problems staying away from them once I left the situation, because I physically could not enter the school or the church after my trauma. Especially after being stalked by the priest after I left. I did end up reporting them to the Diocese, but of course nothing was done to them. They offered me counseling, which I already was getting, and they tried to redirect me. Ha, I will never be Catholic again !!! I guess my main concern is revenge. Do I need to be constantly vigilant that these two individuals will still try to exact some type of revenge on me, or am I a distant memory to them? I just recently learned that socio path number 2 lost her job. I worry she will come after me.Although since I have reported them and basically tell everyone I know about them, it would be directly traced back to them. Any comments would be appreciated. Thanks, Sociopath Survivor
To the person who is afraid of retaliation, I feel your pain, it has been 3 years since my incident and I still feel like I need to be ever vigilant against an attack.
I have been married to a sociopath for 20 years, separated for 8 years.. They are monsters to say the least.. The lies, deceit, manipulations, are just an everyday part of
their life.. It sickens me when people say, oh
he is such a nice guy.. No, there wer no
physical altercations with him.. it was verbal and complete emotional abuse.. I ended up in a mental hospital, because I was convinced.by him I was the one with the problem, however, when these sociopaths know you love them, they can convince you that you are the one to blame.. The lies go on abd on.. they won't tell you things, but when you hear about it later, they will say.. I told you that, see how much you listen to me!! They have an excuse for everything, it's everbodys' else fault always no matter the situation. They are the victim.. they are the most quick thinking liar. It Is there nature to deceive... They will manipulate you to satisfy their desires no matter how degrading it is. they have no respect for you whatsoever.. They hate to talk about l and emotion or romance.. My husbabd would fet angry because they children would say .. I love.you daddy and ge would tell me.. stop these kids from saying i love you all the time! He is sweet and kind when he wants something.. his demeanor changes dramatically just to get his needs met. He woukd accuse me of the very thing he is secretly doing.. he is calculating, seeing how far he can torrment you.. he sucks you in with Charm and promises that he kniws means really nothing.. if he does something good, you can best believe it is to make others think highly of him.. he only mimics emotion depending on the situation.. Sociopaths have addictions of some source.. sex, drugs alcohol, porn.. They are never satisfied, more, more, they cheat and justify it.. It's your fault! you are their pawn to be used and place the blame on. They are not humans, they are monsters, absolutely demon possessed.. They fool everyone, except those who feel theur evil day in and day out, while he convinces people that you are the one with the problem and that you like starting drama..
Help people please! My daughter has just left her sociopathic/psychopathic boyfriend. She tried to support him for almost 2 years. He doesn't work and uses her for food, shelter, cigarettes, crack. Recently, he put her om crack cocaine, too. She ran away from him and admitted herself to a crisis center. Now that she is released, she is falling apart. She has Aspergers syndrome, and she has problems with reading social cues. He used her shamelessly. She sneaked out of our house last night to see him. First thing he asked for was new socks. Second - sex. She had the strength to refuse and came home. He had stolen her computer while she was in the hospital. They have been evicted twice in the 1.5 years. Please, contact me! Where in the Philadelphia area are centers for specifically helping young women like my daughter. She has been referred to an outpatient program but she needs more! My email address is sandreushkina@wcupa.edu
Do sociopaths cause damage to themselves? And if they do, do they know or care?
Not usually, unless it is done out of sheer boredom. Sociopaths sometimes become alcoholics, for example, because they cannot stand being bored, so when they're bored, they drink.
Adam,
Thanks for your reply. But my opinion is that Narcs/ Socios tend to overestimate their intelligence and ability and sometimes end up on the wrong side of the shitty stick they’ve poked at their victim(s).
I’ve had two recent encounters w/ Narcs/ Socios:
The first was my brother, who encouraged me to buy a house that he had committed to live in and help take care of, only to renege on his commitment after I’d bought it.
The second was a contractor I’d hired to repair damage to my house from a water heater leak, and then proceeded to tear up my house, including my new water heater.
The backstory on the contractor is that I’d hired him to do a few repairs on the house that I’d bought for my brother (ha!) and myself that seemed to be acceptable. Early on, his partner befriended me, and I became friendly w/ both. But on several occasions the contractor had made inappropriate comments to me, and on one occasion, in my home, ostensibly there to survey the water damage, started grabbing me and hugging me and making more inappropriate comments.
I always thought he was sort of a horse’s ass, but I never thought he was dangerous. I pushed him away and blew off his shitty behavior. His partner, Jane, obviously knowing how he is, called me the following day to ask me if Chuck was very awful. I replied no, that I’d used the occasion to rag on my brother some more.
So, back to the present: why would this man risk losing his contractor’s license just to teach me a lesson? If that’s what he’s doing. His crappy work and damage to my home are blatant. My insurance adjuster looked at it and said it was the shoddiest work he’d ever seen.
I’m not a young woman; I’m single and 67. The contractor is 71. So ladies (and gentlemen) watch out, whatever age you are!
Hi Adam,
In reference to my above post, for lack of a better term can we call it “Psychopathic Overshoot” or "Psychopathic Overreach"?
I'm not a professional, just a multiple victim.
I would like to make a comment but my english is not perfect. Sociopath or psycopath is mental disorder like austism it could be genetic and environmental factors in the childhood life. They born with a adnormal function in the brain. Temporal and the frontal lobe in the brain which the cerebral cortex and amygala also is connect. All this part In the brain are the fuction for love, empathy, guilt and remorse. They are handicap. e.g think about a child that was born with no low extremeties. This child try and try for years to learn how to walk but he know. It would never happen.sociopath are the same the only difference the majority of them look normal. And yes is cure. And harvard university is a neuroscientist from spain where he would scan fmri and fix the damage location in the brain. Also alot of people that are b envolve with car trauma most of time they would change to sociopathic behavior. Sorry for my gramma. I hope in ways could help to so audience to understand.this mental disorder
I just met one of these sociao pathes, hes 25 im older hes smooth talking, always needs something, $150 by friday or the police will arrest him for owed parking tickets, his phone broke he needs $200 to get a new phone for his business hes starting, can i borrow $700 for my grandmother , on and one . i call him he wont answer the phone three days later he'll call all upset asking if im ok he was worried sick, one BS line after another lol I dumped him after 5 weeks, hes cute , polite, charming , etc. RUN FOR THE HILLS FROM THESE LOONEYS. BAD NEWS !!!!!!!
My son-in-law is a true sociopath. I didn't know what he was until I read the book The Sociopath Next Store and now it is very, very clear. Thank God and Mz. Stout for this book, written in very understandable words. His behavior, playing mind games with my daughter, sent her into a deep depression with several attempts at suicide, hospitalizations, and ECT treatments. Will she ever see him for what he is? For myself, I try not to have contact with him, but she, and their four kids are very much in the midst of his games. Any suggestions?
I suggest you try to get HER to read The Sociopath Next Door.
I am Anonymous above w/ the problem contractor.
I submitted my complaint to the Registrar of Contractors today and now I fear retaliation. He has guns and I know that he's unhinged.
Even though I haven't been threatened so far, I think it might be wise to visit the sherrif's office.
What do you think?
Cindy
Yes, Cindy. Absolutely. Visit the sheriff's office.
My son's girlfriend, now fiance, alienated him from my daughter and me more than once. She sent fake emails to herself pretending to be me. After 2 years of all this, she posted on a site about me after becoming pregnant with "his" baby. She now has him mad at me and he will not speak to me because I finally had enough of her attitude towards me. She prided herself in knowing how to use psychology and told me before that if I threatened my son not to see his sister because of her, she would make me pay. She now has. My son will not speak to me all this started with a text I received saying my daughter was going to be an aunt. (My daughter is 4). She lied about it before and my son teased. She sent me a nasty text and has done so many many times trying to make me feel bad about anything and everything I have said. She judges me, she doesn't know me, now she is making allegations that I treated my son (21) and my daughter (4) badly. I just got married and she said my marriage was an arrangement and I abandoned my son. She has used false emails, false phone numbers to text me, and then flipped it when I tried to warn both of them because I wasn't sure it was her and thought it was her ex boyfriend or his ex girlfriend. Everything has been switched and now I am not allowed to be around my grandchild after he/she is born because she is alleging that I would hurt the baby. My son knows better. The only way to get ahold of him personally is through HER phone, her facebook (which I have now had to deactivate), and I am truly worried about my son and do NOT know what to do. He won't leave her thinking this baby is his but her dates keep changing and if they are what she originally said than he was with us in a different state and there is NO way the baby could be his. This isn't the issue. The issue is that I am very concerned for my son's safety. It has hurt my daughter and me immensely. (My son helped raise my daughter for years). She kept him from coming and visiting and had him doing things with her family. Her family backs her up. She is manipulative, conniving, deceitful, disrespectful, and does most of this behind my son's back. The reason I know he doesn't know is because she has told me more than once my son either said he hated me (which he said he didn't say that and I know he wouldn't), and she acts like I have been contacting her and hurting her feelings when SHE is the one contacting me. I didn't respond until she absolutely had me frazzled to the point I couldn't take her disrespect anymore! I don't know how to help my son see this when he won't even talk to me. The allegations she made were false and horrible! She got what she wanted and there is MUCH MORE TO THIS STORY than I can even put on here. I am ending it with I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HELP MY SON and I AM very worried that once she has this baby something bad will happen to him! She looks so innocent that no one thinks she is like this but alot of my family has seen it and won't say anything. I know what she's said to me and in order for me to maintain my own sanity, I had to let my son go. I am crying as I write this because I hurt for my son and my daughter who are very close and I hurt for that baby that is to be born. I also miss my son and I know that I have to go on because the insanity in my own life must stop. Any suggestions would be much appreciated!
I have a sociopathic brother. I feel a mixture of compassion, pity, and wariness toward him. His life is a shell existence: no family of his own, no career, no accomplishments. I know he feels no affection toward me; my husband and I, our children, friends, and life are, to him, just targets for scorn and mockery. I have never let him meet my children, because they need to be protected from forming emotional attachments to someone who will just hurt them. He is never referred to as their uncle, and they have been warned about him repeatedly as someone who is part of the family, but kept at a distance because he is sick and dangerous.
In my efforts to accept him where he is at (an ill-mannered, unstable, volatile manipulator), he has grown increasingly emboldened about asking for money. Obviously, he gets not a penny. The constant requests, coupled with his microanalysis of everything I spent money on (and yes, he has asked about what cars my husband and I own, how big our house is, etc.), I think we may be coming to a stage of insurmountable predatory pointlessness.
I think my greatest conflict is how to love him, how to see him as God sees him. In the past, I have cut him out of my life for years at a time, and really hate the idea of doing so again. But he seems to confuse my compassion and outreach as an exploitable weakness. I don't know that there is any benefit I can bring to his life outside of continuing to pray for him.
I have recently ended a relationship with a sociopath but have two children with him. He suffers from PTSD and it has taken me years to finally make the break. I felt sorry for him and always thought that it wasn't his fault that he was emotionally abusive and sometimes violent towards me. He threw a hot bowl of soup at me years ago and after he had done it he grabbed the broken crockery and slashed his wrists. I looked after him until the paramedics arrived but then didn't go to the hospital with him, for which he criticised me later. He didn't tell anyone what he had done and it became all about him trying to kill himself, so everyone, including me felt sorry for him, and of course I ended up back with him again. He would also shout relentlessly in my face sometimes and did this when I was pregnant. I had to sleep on the floor of my eldest daughter's bedroom to get away from him. I ended things a few times but always went back. When we went to counselling together he would deny everything, lie and say spiteful things, then deny them afterwards. I can't cut him out of my life or stop him from seeing my daughters and am very concerned about them. I would appreciate advice on how to deal with contact and parenting and how to protect my daughters now and in the future
That's a tough situation. You need to talk to a therapist who specializes in dealing with the victims of sociopaths. I know one I can recommend. Email me for details:
adamkhan@usa.com
This thread seems to have died down a bit but I hope someone can answer my questions. Is it possible to really determine if one is a sociopath if they are so good at mimicing emotions that you cannot tell it from genuine or fake? And is it possible to determine a sociopath from a manipulative person? I was once in a hard to determine relationship with someone who constantly made me think/wonder if he is a sociopath or not. But he could have also been a really manipulative person who likes to mess with people's feelings..?
Whether s/he was a sociopath or simply a manipulative person who likes to mess with people's feelings, he or she is not someone with whom you would benefit to stay with.
Psychology Today has a good article on sociopaths:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199401/charming-psychopath
My mother has been married to a sociopath for 30 years. He has repeatedly lied and disregarded her feelings, which hurts her deeply. Unfortunately, she grew up as the oldest female in a large christian family and learned the art of martyrdom which she continues to practice to her detriment. This combination of a sociopath and his enabler has been painful to watch. Although she confides all the emotional abuse to me, she is determined to fix him and readily admits she feels sorry for him, going so far as to blame his mother for not showing him enough love. Now, as they reach the end of their lives ( she is in her 80s and he in his 90s), his grown children have begun circling like vultures and have begun abusing my mother as well. Whether there is evidence that sociopathy is environmental or genetic, aside, in this case it clearly runs in the family.
I have a daughter who I believe is a sociopath, but she is also an enigma. She has every trait, but also contradicts the traits. Let me try to explain...
She is now 27. She was a good student, never missed school or church, and everyone including neighbors and teachers thought she was an angel. She treated my husband and I like dirt. Also her grandparents (my parents). She never was in trouble, showed NO interest in drugs or alcohol, but was and is a pathological liar and lies about even stupid things. She was and is attracted to low-lifes and I guess loves the drama associated with them. She shows no remorse for hurting us over the years.
She sometimes acts like a caring, loving person, even towards animals. I used to rehab baby squirrels, and she helped me bottle feed and raise them. That being said, A few years ago, We asked her to take care of "her buddy," a squirrel that we had for 14 years that she always showed much affection for. We were going to be gone a month, and asked her to take care of him while we were gone. We came back to a DEAD squirrel. She let him starve to death!!! The extreme guilt and pain this caused us was unimaginable. We were so angry!!! She just shrugged her shoulders and said, "It's just a squirrel!" This was an animal she practically grew up with!!!
As a child, once she was with my parents who were watching the news. I don't remember the tragedy, but my dad said she showed NO emotion. He asked her, "Isn't that terrible? Don't you feel bad for those people?" She said, "Why? It didn't happen to ME!" My dad was convinced she is a sociopath a long time ago. My husband and I go aback an forth. She shows all traits, yet contradicts those at times.
She is a mother of a 7 year old girl (the apple of our eye) and a 9 month old we haven't met yet. (she lives in another State). She really seem to love her kids, and shows empathy for other's kids who don't have it as good.
I saw in comments about late bed wetting. She was one. She could hold her urine as a toddler, but started wetting the bed as she got older and didn't stop until she was almost 15. I think she just did not care!!! She has no ambition, interests or goals. She is content to sit on the couch and play Xbox.
My husband is so done with her. We have decided for our sanity to cut ties. The last straw was us offering to pay for her and the kids a plane ticket up to stay a couple of weeks. She uses the excuse that her low-life boyfriend can't possibly do without his kids for 2 weeks.
There is so much more to this story, but I could write a novel. Just wanted to hit main points.
Is she a sociopath? Is she a milder form of one? She has never fit in any mold anyone could come up with. She is extremely manipulative. I don't fear for the grandkids, because I know she "loves" them and does take care of them. We are tired of being stabbed in the back and kicked in the teeth by our daughter.
Please give me your thoughts!
It's hard to tell. Obviously, showing empathy can be faked, but so can not showing empathy, although there would be less likely to be a good motivation to not show empathy.
Clearly, whatever a diagnosis would be, she doesn't have your best interests in mind. That's a tough situation, especially with grandkids involved. I know of a therapist who specializes in dealing with the victims of sociopaths and I can give you her contact information if you like.
I have a mother in law and I am trying to work out whether she is a sociopath, or has another personality disorder. For over ten years her and her hubby have treated me in a contemptuous way, as though they don't trust me and have generally treated me with a negative attitude. I have 2 sister in laws and they are both treated like royalty. They are nice people, I have no grudges with them but could never understand why the difference in treatment. My partner & I have approached the in-laws on a few occasions by asking if I have done anything to offend them and they have completely denied their behaviour and also turned it on me each time it has been raised. Not only that but the mil has been worse after each time I have ever mentioned anything to her. I am an assertive person and find it difficult being treated poorly, but feel trapped because I am unable to address how I am treated without making the situation worse. Mil has made out over the years that I am overly sensitive and also that I haven't treated her very nicely and everyone seems to believe her. I should add that I have had to go nc with my own family after a 20 year struggle with my narcissitic mother who scapegoated me until I had finally had enough. My mil has used this against me and often says she is scared I will cut her off too. I feel that mil is deliberately making life so horrible for me that I 'choose' not to have anything to do with her as she has never accepted me into the family and wants me out. She is amazingly good at making herself look innocent while she brings me down in front of people. It really makes me doubt myself and wonder who is to blame. My chn are close with my mil and I am struggling with what to do. I want to cut her off completely, as if feel if I let her have her way of opting out of the family she will still attack me anyway. I want my power back. The whole family on my partner's side think i am horrible to her because of the rubbish she has said about me, it's so hurtful that people even believe that about me. I guess what I am saying is that just cutting her off doesn't solve me getting my power back and it seems my children will be hurt regardless. Does anyone have any advice?
F A
The best advice I can give is to disconnect from a sociopath. Don't waste precious time and energy trying to figure them out. Move on and make a happy life for yourself. And don't respond to sociopaths on this website. They are just amusing themselves and playing head games. Not everyone is soulless. Make family and friends with those who have your best interests at heart and let the sociopath stew in their own controlling misery.
When I found out my husband was a narcissistic sociopath, I was bewildered and scared out of my wits. Thank God for this site. I learned a lot from others and discovered I wasn't going crazy. Now I want to give back. Thanks, Adam, for creating this site.
Here are some things that made life easier for me and sometimes gave me the upper hand:
* Get them to do what you want them to do by understanding what motivates them.
My husband agreed to a move-out date when we divorced. But of course, promises mean nothing to a narcissist or sociopath. He wouldn't leave! I tried reasoning with him, reminding him about the agreed-upon date, etc…Nothing worked. Then it finally hit me. He will only move out when it benefits HIM, not me. So I concocted a story. I told him I was getting a female roommate who had a boyfriend. I also told him that this boyfriend was poking through his tool chest in the garage. My husband's tool chest was his most prized possession. He hit the roof when I told him about the roommate's boyfriend and yelled, "You tell that SOB to stay away from MY stuff!!" That afternoon, he moved out *all* his belongings from the house. He was motivated by the fear of someone messing with his tools and other belongings. In this case, it benefited him because he was protecting his stuff. Mission accomplished.
* Be emotionless.
Narcissistic sociopaths love to spew their emotional vomit over others, especially loved ones or underlings. It feels so good to rage. If you develop a poker face or act neutral, you are not giving them the reaction they want (tears, pain, agony) and they will likely stop or go elsewhere to feel powerful or in control. It's also good to be emotionless in general because sociopaths take note of your behavior and what you love/like so they know what works best in manipulating or hurting you. Don't give them any more clues.
* Deliver something they really want but have a hard time getting for themselves.
Narcissistic sociopaths will more likely agree with your requests and make life easier if you deliver something they really want but have a hard time getting for get themselves. If you deliver this special something they will hold you in higher regard and less likely to withhold what *you* want. For example, my husband fancied himself as the next Annie Liebowitz (famous portrait photographer) but he had trouble getting people to sit for him. I had my friends volunteer to be photographed and voila! he was a lot nicer and accommodating to me. This halo effect lasted for about a couple of days so if you want something from your sociopath deliver the special something a day before or a couple of hours before and then approach them with what *you* want.
Another example…when I wanted my husband to sign the final divorce papers, I brought along his favorite dog, which he hadn't seen for six months because his apt doesn't allow pets. I was hoping the dog would take his mind off the tension between us and the fact that the papers I wanted him to sign were to MY benefit, not his. The dog definitely put him in a good mood. He happily signed away and we ended up walking the dog together in a park. Note: I was dreading this final meeting for months and spent many a sleepless night strategizing what I could do to make it go better. Having a socio's favorite thing around could decrease ill will and up your chances of pleasant exchange.
I agree with the advice on this site. Never confront a sociopath about being a sociopath. That means you're on to them and for that, there's no forgiveness. I also agree that the best thing to do after getting rid of them is to move on with your life. And as crazy as it sounds, forgive them if you can. I did. Just remember that sociopaths and narcissists are stuck with themselves. We, on the other hand, can get out or at the very least, minimize our interactions with them.
I grew up in a family with a violent father. As the only girl he took out a lot of his anger on me. My 2 brothers were also violent towards me. I fought back with tantrums and as an adult I became a screamer when my mom would deny what happened. Then I became the problem. When I was 10 I was throwing up in the living room, my father was dragging me to the bathroom, slapping me as I gagged and screaming "you throw up in the toilet, not on the carpet." When I was 13 my drama club partner died. 1 hour after my parents told me my father beat me up. I have a hundred more stories between my brothers and father I estimate 250 - 500 physical assaults, ending at age 19 3/4. One brother was arrested for killing cats in high school. My other brother lies so much and was fired as the general counsel of a large corporation for trash talking his female boss. My mom always looked the other way and tells me it didn't happen or I need to forgive and most important to forget. As an adult I went through brain cancer treatment. Once my i.v. collapsed and my dad squeezed my arm to shut me up. I got out of the hospital 4 days after brain surgery. The next day my mother and i got in a 4 hour screaming match and my father put his fists in my face and then they drove off. Left me alone in a 3rd floor walk up in Chicago and never came back. My brother held me hostage screaming he was going to "beat me into traction" for a few hours 3 months after i finished brain cancer treatment. My mother kept breaking into the room screaming "why are you sick all the time?!" and shaking me. I have left several times. I changed my phone number and shut down my facebook account. Fortunately I live many states away. I quit my very part time job (i'm on ssdi for life after brain cancer treatment/now I have a brain aneurysm and an auto immune disorder). I wrote them a letter apologizing for my part of our family's struggles and informing them that this break is permanent and that I wished them well but can't have them in my life ever again. I feel all sorts of grief and even guilt. No one really knows. Only a neighbor kid over heard my dad beating me up once and my brother's ex wife witnessed one incident as well. I am trying to start my life over at 45. After 4 years of not having contact and 2 months post permanent divorce letter, I feel excited about my life. I was always the one to apologize and now I have friends where we both can see our part. I've been on a spiritual path since a teenager and that really helped. I have always had a lot of friends but was so afraid of men that I tried to meditate and get enlightened so I could avoid marriage and still be happy. I also try to have compassion for my family. But that's been a double edged sword. Forgiveness can only come when patterns of abuse stop (at least for me - maybe someday I'll feel differently.) Sometimes I fear my brothers will kill me. People say I'm nuts but they seem to lack empathy and one hates me and the other is such a pathological liar. My life is getting good. I worked on a volunteer project that is helping lots of people, I've been cancer free for 14 1/2 years. I have good friends and have a lot of love in my life and my heart is still open, and I'm far less traumatized than I was 4 years ago. I'm now internet dating, Yay!
I think the key is to end the relationships permanently. I still get upset when people like Bill Cosby get away with things. Because my family got away with hurting me. I want them to get found out. But I don't want to do anything that could wind up with them rationalizing retribution. Would love feedback. Sorry for the book-length post. There's so much more to share. Life is great when you take great, supportive and nurturing people along for the ride! I've got that now and I don't want to go back. Ever.
For learning purposes and prevention of becoming a victim, knowing the signs etc this blog is fantastic but it is upsetting to me that the purpose for positive use gets lost by some people on here that seem to think sociopathic behaviour is something to be admired?
Toying with the idea that a sociopath is 'cool' and excitingly dangerous is a very foolish and ignorant view. Not one victim of a sociopath is left with any admiration or good opinion of these people. Life is not like television and these are very dangerous people to be looking up to.
I get that human beings admire strength in other human beings, but sociopaths are bullies, and bullies at the core are just insecure cowards. If they were 'strong' adversaries, they would be able to take the devastation they give out but they cannot endure a second of what they give out to others. Notice how this 'ERIC' feels the need to victimise anyone that even displays arrogance to him or superiority. That is a very small thing to a mature human being, it's annoying but we just roll our eyes to ourselves and get on with it, it's meaningless.
What a weak pathetic human being to be so affected by something so trivial. Speaking from experience All of their ruthless actions to others are carried out 'on the sneak' in a deceptive way- they won't fight their battles head on-I don't believe they are even capable. They hurt others by carrying out their deceptions and undermining without their victim even knowing what they've been up to until the damage has been done. This is not bravery, strength or anything a mature grown up can respect. They have the maturity of a spoiled child taken to extremes... They must win and have their own way at any cost in every single matter with no care for who gets hurt. They are the most selfish humans you will ever come across. They put themselves first in every instance, even before the needs and emotional health of their own children. There are no limits or boundaries to their selfishness, their life is all about pleasing themselves, boosting their egos and confirming to themselves they are superior to everyone else.
For the sociopaths and therapists on this blog, I think it's a big mistake to throw up hands that there is no help for this mental illness. Though I despise their behaviour, they are human beings if we say that it's untreatable that just leaves it hopeless for both the sociopath and their victims.
Simply put in laymens terms; Life is hard enough as it is without someone targeting you for a lifetime to continually undermine and destroy everything you hold dear. Why can treatment for sociopathy not be put forth to them as something that benefits them appealing to their selfish nature. 'For every action is a reaction.' Every single thing we do to hurt someone else or turn a blind eye to others suffering it comes back to us. Karma is inescapable regardless if you are a sociopath or just made a poor choice that inadvertently brought pain and hurt to someone else. We get on with our lives with the hurt we once caused long forgotten but Karma has a very long memory and it will drop like a bomb just when we get to that point in our lives where everything's come together.
Sociopaths, in undermining your victims you undermine any chance at your own happiness, because just as you come close to getting or 'holding onto' whatever it is you really want, it will be lost to you forever.
Just one thing I wish to add for the prevention of getting involved with a sociopath;
We are greatly influenced by movies and television when it comes to romance; unfortunately so is the sociopath. Beware of any man or woman that 'sweeps you off your feet' and inundates you with shows of romantic gestures or seductive passion early on, he or she is likely doing this to 'convince' you and gain control over you... I can say from my own experience it 'feels so right' how can it be wrong? You will learn down the line just how far from love this is... If this describes your lover or partner or someone you are seeing, more than likely you have been targeted by a sociopath. Be very careful even in withdrawing from it (it's so hard to leave I know because they become our 'ideal' and at the time our love is genuine... But they aren't the person they have shown to us.
Give them NO information, or as little as possible and vanish from their world, ie their hangouts, places they go, acquaintances you share etc just disappear from their scope and never look back. It feels impossible when there are feelings but wish with every fibre of my being that someone had shared this knowledge with me. At this time I believed he was the love of my life.
Just one thing I wish to add for the prevention of getting involved with a sociopath;
We are greatly influenced by movies and television when it comes to romance; unfortunately so is the sociopath. Beware of any man or woman that 'sweeps you off your feet' and inundates you with shows of romantic gestures or seductive passion early on, he or she is likely doing this to 'convince' you and gain control over you... I can say from my own experience it 'feels so right' how can it be wrong? You will learn down the line just how far from love this is... If this describes your lover or partner or someone you are seeing, more than likely you have been targeted by a sociopath. Be very careful even in withdrawing from it (it's so hard to leave I know because they become our 'ideal' and at the time our love is genuine... But they aren't the person they have shown to us.
Give them NO information, or as little as possible and vanish from their world, ie their hangouts, places they go, acquaintances you share etc just disappear from their scope and never look back. It feels impossible when there are feelings but wish with every fibre of my being that someone had shared this knowledge with me. At this time I believed he was the love of my life.
Strong: nice post. If you read between the lines and follow their patterns, they reveal who they are. I like to call it the sleight of hand. They undermine and sabotage - while acting in your best interest. Everything the ones here did was to gain power, feed their ego, keep the focus on them, prevent anyone from out-shining them (don't be too successful; give up, get away). This is how they operate. They're master manipulators and want to win; must always be superior. They get you to get away from the evil bad men - and focused on them. They win, the other person loses. They don't care about other people. But they avoided those who called them out, and kept the focus on those who sought their guidance. Predators prey on the gullible and needy.
People make a HUGE mistake when they assume a predator is telling the truth, has their best interest, is not meaning harm, and won't act the same way towards them. They are, and do - right before their eyes and under their thumb. This is how they get victims in the first place. The game is always on. They tell you who they are and what they do, claim they're not doing it to you - as they're doing it to you. These patterns never change: there's no more than what you see.
This is how people get sucked into bad people in general. They ASSUME they're being real, this is the nice person deep down, they have a good side, do have concern, etc. Negative. This is the mask they keep telling you about. They have no empathy, remember? Just like they told you. When they criticize, one-up, tell people to shut up, attack anyone they disagree with, try to dominate everyone who disagrees with them - as they did on here - that's who they really are. They're cruel, hostile and deceitful. Notice how they also justified their abuse - by blaming those they attacked, focused on their flaws, told them they're wrong and don't know anything - once again trying to be superior and directing blame. It's all right in your face the whole time.
Great Article. Thanks for the info. Does anyone know where I can find a blank 1963 DD 689, to fill out?
I think I've encountered a few sociopaths in my life..or maybe they were just jerks. Are all jerks sociopaths? I am wondering, however, if too much emphasis is put on 'feelings'. Sometimes our 'feelings' can mislead us. If you're menapausal, 'feelings' can change by the minute. Should 'feelings' really be our compass? Above 'feelings' is free will. We can choose to be kind or mean, honest or deceitful. Maybe we're looking at this sociopathic thing from the wrong angle...when dealing with children, anyway. Adults make up their own minds and I wholeheartedly agree with disengaging them from your life. But a young child who shows signs...could emphasizing the free will, choice aspect in life help that child not grow up to be a sociopath? How do we teach empathy, or at least understanding? I wonder if an effective intervention could be designed to help these kids (and anyone else who comes in contact with them)?
freakyhomeschoolmom, yes, people have choice about what they do. But they may not have any choice about what they are motivated to do. However, in Martha Stout's book, which I highly recommend, she mentions that some cultures have less sociopathy than others, and there is some evidence that the society one lives in either encourages or discourages sociopathy. The sociopathy itself -- the lack of empathetic feeling -- may be genetic, but how it is expressed may be influenced by upbringing.
You probably fall on the autism spectrum
I just found this site and what a miracle it is. I'm not alone. I have a 27 year old daughter. I knew from the age of 5 that something was not quite right, My husband and I took her to the leading child psychologist in our city who told us she needed consistency and time outs. We followed his plan. She was our first child and my family judged us and told me I was a horrible mother. I felt so useless. Her father and I divorced when she was 5 and I remarried when she was 7 to a wonderful man. He became a father to her, doing homework, going to her games, cheerleading, all of her activities, as did I. She had a wonderful childhood. She had a brother from my previous marriage, 5 years younger and a brother from my new marriage, 10 years younger. She seemed to have no problems with them however. At 14, she became violent and the police became involved in our life at that point. Drugs, alcohol, sex, stealing, running away, etc. endless cycle. I would actually sleep at the top of the stairs to keep her from sneaking out and she resorted to jumping out her second floor window. Her father rescued her twice and she lived with him for a six month period until he shipped her home. I had and still do have many health problems and she could care less. I came home from surgery with staples in my abdomen and she punched me so hard they split open and I had to be rushed back to have them closed again. She was finally put into juvenile detention so many times she was put into state custody and put into a group home. I had to pay the state child support. She went before the same judge 22 times. At the end when she turned 18, the judge told my husband (her stepfather) and I she had never seen more dedicated parents in all her years. We tried multiple counselors. When she was 15 she had met a 22 year old man without our knowledge (for awhile), who btw was a skinhead, and became pregnant the second she was released by the state. They lived together for the next 6 years and had another child. During this time he beat her and she beat him and the police were constantly involved. They lived off of welfare, food stamps, unemployment, my husband and I and my parents. My mother was very generous with her and they were very close. She died 5 years ago suddenly from a brain tumor. Sometimes I truly believe she is only upset because she is no longer here to buy her things. She makes comments about my father no longer helping her and if Grammie were here she would give her money. A year ago the father went to prison and she met a new man who has 6 kids who have all been taken away by the state. She gets on meth and so I called DCF and had the children taken away. We got temporary custody. I have leukemia and my husband is 61 and works 60 hours a week. She screams at me and tells me I am the worst mother, she had the worst childhood, we were abusive and tells anyone who will listen. She has called the police on us many times with lies trying to get us in trouble. She just had another baby. She got the children back in June. We had to sign a lease for them to have a place to live or they would not have gotten the children back and my husband and I couldn't physically keep them so we had no choice. I spent $700 this weekend on clothes for all the kids after buying stuff for the baby when it was born. Yesterday she came to my house and stole from me. She stole my pain medicine and nausea medicine from being on oral chemo for my leukemia. I'm finally done. If we don't sign a new lease in December I don't know what will happen to my granddaughters. I'm very close to the 8 and 4 year old. The older one is in 3rd grade and has been to a different school every year and can't read. Should I just give up on my granddaughters as a lost cause and save our lives? I cry everyday. I had a psychologist tell me she was a sociopath when she was 18. He said good luck and I feel sorry for you.
Wow ur post 7 yrs ago..
I take it by now u have ur answers to ur questions...
u ask how they have friends and not loving relationships.... theres no friends either.
we as the normal (excuse that term) we respect feel towards ppl...
sociopaths.. dont feel its all about control & what the person caters to their needs..
friend family even married... they dont take it easier cause thats the family or the misses... its all equal to them... if someone hss something they want or for their needs.. well thats the one whos their nxt prey..
theres no set time on ppl... because its when we dont cater to the needs n wants.. or they get bored of the chase of power they dont acknowledge u nor need u & with a lover side of it... its brutal.. u think ur loved special everything u neva felt.. thenome not all have already got their nxt victim lined up and gone no explanation. Answers no reply.. for the lover... its the emotional roller coaster from hell 10x 0va n thats nothin.. the damage mentally leaves a trail of destruction. . They wont txt call while ur there thinking y??
How come no compassion remorse absolute empyness from their side. Ur nothing not even a sorry. They already acting the role of character for the nxt person UNTIL..
u show ur weekness then they will prey on u again.. only for their self benefits..
they will b what they have to be n do what they have to... as they have not one bit of emotion their like a robotic empty shell.. n they programme what n who they need to do n be.. only for their self benefits. .
they dont feel pleasure so u asking if they proud or anything.. no its a power n control n analizing once they have that, thats when the real them come out. As theres no need to have to work hard. So off comes the mask.. bring on the manipulation, lies deceit. Their anger outbursts if u dare question their motives or lies anything for that matter.... theirs no compassion warmth love their cold dark n empty...
it sounds harsh coming from ppl with feelings.... u said u think u would stay away from a sociopath if u knew 1... well all I can say to u is..... if u have anything that a sociopath thinks they can benefit from.. I guarantee u wouldn't even know that their already workin u...im a very head strong person n mentally too n always on the ball of everyday bullshit etc...
I saw signs with my ex.. but not knowing about sociopaths.. all the other mental illness yes. at the end of the day...
He achieved what he needed... n left me not trusting a single sole my walls are reinforced never to let my guard dwn.. while we recover from the destruction of all their doing... and its alll for them.. and nothing more...they basically take what they want..
and its theirs... doesnt matter about dignity morals nothin.... it is them n only them.. and the ppl who cater for their needs...
Now a sociopath reading this... will agree to alot of this... n fire up on other parts... as I have put what me as a victims opinion..
sociopaths its just their way.. they are always right. Its not about them and their ego ... control of all matters....
The actual purpose of life in itself is hell..
not because im negative person... im a realist... u have sociopaths... n then us..
empty emotionless ppl.. that we feel sorry for as they have never experienced affection, love.. nothing... n its not their fault. . N nothing can help them
Lifes a bitch... n u dont come out alive
This is an old blog so not sure anyone will read this, but have a question. the one possible difference I see in most of the sociopaths on this blog and my adult son is that i do not think my son "enjoys" or sets out to hurt anyone on purpose. I feel his main goal is just getting what he wants without having to contribute anything, and people end up getting hurt, but it is not his goal. He wont hurt someone just on purpose or just for the fun of it, but he knows it will hurt us when he steals from us and does it anyway because he wants the money. Is there a difference?
I may have posted already, am unsure if doing this correctly. I think my son may be a sociopath, but the difference between him and what i read here is that people getting hurt are just "fallout" from him using us, stealing from us, lying to us and not feeling remorse, but i dont think he enjoys hurting people on purpose or seeks to hurt anyone. I think it is just a byproduct of him taking what he wants and using people. Is there a difference?
Sociopaths don't necessarily LIKE to hurt people. They simply lack empathy, so it doesn't bother them when they hurt people.
I've fairly new to the term sociopath .I was with my ex wife for 10 years off and 5 years off and on .we have 2 children together that are 11 and 12 . I won't make this too long but my ex wife has abandon the kids 3 times now I will always listen to her side and believe whatever lies told me and take her back she would say she said was stressed she needed to get away whetever cheat on me whatever she did she did and she would always make me out to be the cause of her to do it because you wouldn't listen so I found someone that would listen I forgive her and work on it and look past it love you let's make this work I love having a family with you I do anything for it work would it would work for a little bit and she would flip out for the littlest things and then turn around and blame them on me . We separated and got joint custody she have the kids you're on the school days I had him on the weekends the relationship she was in at the time was working for an ass constantly going out there to save her so the start of the school year 2015 we move back in together and they started not listen to start acting out in school there 11 and 12 though in a new school it's going to be expected shes goes well they never act like this when they were with me so she couldn't hold a job kids weren't listening to her kids are doing bad in school I told her I think I could do a better job and she goes you think he can do a better job go ahead and I came home one day and she is gone I figured she'd be back eventually she hasn't been back since November 5th today is December 22nd or Kids has not seen her since I talked to her on the phone and that is it she hasn't helped us out financially with anything which is breaking the family because we're going to move in and she switched help with bills and everything and now its all on me for everything she lied about coming home for Christmas she told us she was in therapy getting self help for herself and she had to go to the hospital getting appendix removed well I called your phone I checked your voicemail and she said she was in the hospital where I was away she was in hospital in Kansas City and after she got out of the hospital she said she is going back to therapy which was a lie I called her out on it and she's living out in the town with one person she knows and I don't know but if she doesn't she wants to see the kids but I can't trust her now to see the kids and not run off with them my oldest son doesn't want to talk to her anymore and my youngest still want something to do with her in the whole time I was trying to Baker to come back up until she said she's not going to come for Christmas because I was out Christmas shopping with the kids at the house by themselves but still I love this girl from the past 15 years I don't want to take her parental rights away but she has a band of the kids 3 times now in her life and I need help child support I got the night food stamps I make too much and that's going to piss her off but she said she's not going to go to court so I don't know what can happen if he doesn't show up I can even filed the case yet I just need to know how to deal with her I mean is just come back and make my life chaos and living it that be fine I don't want to take the kids from her I feel bad I just don't know how to deal with kind of person she doesn't want to listen to she doesn't see the point of view of anything I don't understand how you would not want to miss your kids growing up the sad part is you not even on drugs I don't know what to do so I'm asking for suggestions and comments I hope this is the right one to leave in the right comments section thanks
Good, clear article. Sociopaths are born with a brain that malfunctions - they have no feelings of like, love, care, concern or compassion. They target empathetic, loyal, strong, kind people who invest in relationships as their targets to scam - to defraud, to use to prop up and propel their false lives forward. Anyone can be scammed. Sociopaths are masters with no guilt, remorse, concern, care or the slightest regret at ruining someone's life. They do it on a regular basis with many victims at one time always rotating in fresh crop and the used-up people out. ---Sociopaths are not Narcissists - Sociopaths are narcissistic as in self focused, but a Narcissist is a picnic in the park compared to a Sociopath.
Eric after reading some of your replys I have a idea that you truly may be a sociopath to the degree that your responses are purposefully misleading and false representation of a sociopath therefore poisoning the minds of these people since the fact that helping others without gain is against the believed characterist behaviour of a sociopath what you gain here is to appear superior and control their minds with misinformation with that being noted..
I have lived with a sociopath for ten years married had children with and recently divorced still being caused harassment by this man which isn't by choice believe me. So how do i put simply "his main drive of terrorism towards me is because i know him inside and out too well" i know his thoughts his actions what he's capable of and history of behaviour actions and that puts him at risk and dampers his ability to manipulate me and others by exploiting his ways i am making him weak that in my opinion of a sociopath correct me if im astray they truly dont want others to know how they think which can lead to the lessening of power they seek
My older sister is, I believe, a sociopath. We are ten years apart, but in all the years I remember she has never made me feel good, or helped me, just made me feel bad. Now in her 70s she wants my attention, positive or negative, as long as it's attention. She forgets how she ignored me when I needed someone most, I have never seen her cry! Only pretended boo hoo stuff, when with me when we picked up Mum's ashes. I, along with other family members, who have spent countless hours/days/months/years trying to help her, have had to distance her for our own sanity. I remember when I was a child, watching fascinated, as she practiced her 'look' in the kitchen mirror, happy/sad, little did I know how and why it would come back to me later. She sends me mail now, telling me how horrid I am, and then phone messages asking for contact, left in a friendly voice.
All true, as of today, but please forgive writing, I'm tired and angry!
I am not a sociopath, but in my life I have dealt with many of them, in the workplace, in the family, and female sociopaths I unknowingly fell in love with. Stories too long to tell here.
Ive never doubted my twin sister is a sociopath, with all the traits.
Since we were young, we both knew that I was more the favourite twin of the family, and I have no doubt this favouritism went back to when we were babies.
Kids, and even babies aren't totally dumb. They can see & know when another kid or baby is getting more of the loving attention they want.
My sister began showing behavioural problems at toddler stage, running away from home on her tricycle.
By teenage hood, she went out of her way to be the daughter from hell for mother, and succeeded.
As an adult, she tried to win mother back onside, at my expense, through manipulation & covert bullying.
Adding all this to my years of experience dealing with other sociopaths & delving into their childhood backgrounds, Ive come to the belief that sociopaths are simply people who have been damaged during childhood, rather than being born that way.
Apart from superior intelligence, humans are born with another trait, that separates us from most other species..a perception of"fairness". Even babies have it.
As kids, we expect our parents & mentors to be fountains of wisdom & knowledge. We trust them to always be fair & to set a good example.
But kids aren't dumb. They can tell the difference between being deservedly punished, and being bullied or mistreated for no reason.
You can imagine the long term shock for a young child to find out that their own parent, their idol, their supreme mentor, is flawed with a childish desire to be cruel for no reason.
Over time, it would shatter their trust & respect of mentors of any kind.
I believe this is where the sociopath is truly born.
From there on, they prefer to take on the role of mentor for themselves, socially becoming self taught, with their own rules & parameters which allow for anything.
They grow up believing that "fairness" is only for the weak & stupid.
They grow up with the desire to inflict upon others, the kind of trauma they feel they have been through.
They learn from a young age, that lying works. That its easy, so easy in fact, that all other people must be stupid compared to them.
This belief that they are more clever than anyone else, gives them their boundless self confidence.
They find lying so useful, they learn to cultivate it into a fine art as they grow up. You might find them watching shows like days of our lives, or similar, where they can learn to mimic emotional reactions of all kinds, in relationship situations.
They've learnt to switch themselves off from emotions, because emotions are painful & cause weakness.
Their trust in others shattered since childhood, they trust no one, and place their trust only in other peoples weaknesses, hence their desire to dominate & control.
Yet, total control never turns out to be enough for them. They need more. They still feel the subconscious feelings of worthlessness & misery of their childhood trauma. They feel the constant need to compensate for this by elevating their own self importance & spreading this misery & trauma to others who they deem as worthless & deserving.
Ruining other peoples days, or lives, helps to brighten up their own life. They see it as "justice".
Forgiveness is another foreign concept to them. They simply don't understand it.
Payback with a vengeance is the only answer they know, for a percieved wrongdoing.
A sociopath is like an evil, twisted, vindictive child, inside an adults body. Add to that mix all the devious things this adult child has learnt over its growing years of being self mentored.
No one knows they are being deceived when it is happening. Likewise, one would not know when they marry a sociopath and allow them to adopt their child. Even when the abuse starts, it is subtle. Only when it becomes so blatant, do you realize how trapped you are. Then, if you get the courage to leave and divorce them, watch out. Add to that a corrupt court system, attorneys who play God and don't care, a guardian ad litem who doesn't do their job (maybe they were sucked in also), police officers who don't enforce a protective order and even lie on the stand, and a family (yes, your own family) who won't listen to you or believe anything you say. It is NEVER over with a sociopath. There is no life after a sociopath - especially when you have lost everything to fight for your child, the attorneys that you paid did not do anything to clear your name on the record, the first guardian ad litem withdrew and the second guardian ad litem lied, broke confidence and your case became the subject of a joke at a holiday party - you can scream and make as much noise as you want to, write a solid and logical letter with supporting documentation to every non-profit who professes to help, government official, author, newspaper...you just keep proving the case that you are "crazy" - a case that the sociopath beautifully orchestrated while the sociopath appears "benign" to everyone else and even your own family responds with "no one cares" or "let it go, everyone is sick of hearing it." Everyone else goes on with life as usual and the victim generally has lost their name, their home, their family and in most cases - their child. Make no mistake about it, sociopaths are as close to evil incarnate as one can come and they will continue to get away with ruining peoples lives until someone starts to care, until people who know the truth open their mouths when asked, until they are held accountable along with the attorneys (both for the sociopath and for the other party), the guardian ad litem(s) who so miserably fail the children they are supposed to be protecting, the families who refuse to believe that they had been "read" all along and played by the sociopath, and everyone else who buries their head in the sand stop telling the victims they are crazy or to let it go and actually listen and do something while there is still time. I am not the first victim of this particular sociopath - there were several before (one of which is now dead) and at least one after. The cycle will continue, more lives will be destroyed and NOBODY will do anything to stop it! Piece of advice - if you think you have come across a sociopath - turn and run the opposite direction as fast as you can and do not have ANY contact whatsoever!!!!!!!
I strongly believe that that my 24 year old daughter is a sociopath. At this point, there is one child by one father and she is pregnant by 2nd with another man. She has used all of us in the family until we're finished.
Something that doesn't add up is that she seems to actually have compassion and love for her son, who is 4. Is that possible? She is affectionate with him and has taught him much.
The Sociopath Trap
I don't think normal minds can accept that sociopaths live among us. I think the average mind's denial system actually creates a cloak that hides them more effectively. I tried to share it with one friend once, so it's statistically valueless, but I'm satisfied it is the latter.
I shared it with John because he is dealing with a woman who definitely seems to fit the mould of a hater, but a sneaky one. So I suggested he read Martha Stout's books on sociopathy. Then I outlined one incidence from my experience to see if the subtlety would dawn on him.
My ex hated her mother, Carol. No bones about it, she ensured that that Carol, who was in her mid 70's when my first child was born, was always crying when I drove her home. Adding injury to insult, Carol had been a POW in WWII and had endured psychological abuse before. Our acreage was remote enough that Carol was trapped when she visited, but come she did because that's what grandmothers do, even if the location and disdain brought back evil days for her.
On my 29th birthday, I come home from work to a nice dinner. I'm the only earner in the house but we are making good headway on reducing debt, things seem predictably under control. After dinner, a truck shows up with a gift for me. A brand new Honda ride on mower from my ex...but paid for by Carol who just can't afford a $4200 outlay.
In my mind this is wrong on so many levels. You can't openly hate someone and still demand they financially support a whim, that's just more abuse. And how can you give something you don't pay for? And, I wasn't the one who spent all their time playing with flowers, so why is a tool supporting her hobby a gift for me?....... On and on my mind spins. So I quietly take the ex aside and tell her it's gotta go back. It doesn't, but I pay Carol the majority back over the next 14 months and thought that was the end of it. Think again.
The ex has a telltale sign. Her eyes dart downwards and far to the left when she is about to disclose a secret that she is excited to tell. On my 30th birthday I return from work after a long day to have her come out of the house to greet me, something that never happened. All the way across the lawn she was glancing down and far to the left and, stupid me, I thought something nice might be planned. My daughter was 4 and just old enough to really enjoy a birthday celebration. What was the exciting disclosure that she so enjoyed telling? "Since you hated your birthday so much last time, we're not celebrating it this year."
And really stupid me, just like John's response when I told him this story, I thought it was not the reason to take my child and leave her. We are normal humans, we find reasons to forgive. We find ways to diminish the offence. We are really slow to fully comprehend this abnormality. How I wish I had seen how deeply disturbed the behaviour was right then, instead of letting her claim depression as the underlying issue.
This incident is far from the worst. But it has all the elements of this type of mind, the subtlety, the long term grudge, the weird rationalizations. I'm writing it here for those who already understand, but I'll never openly tell someone who hasn't come to grips with it and seen it in action. Not again. That's their trap.
i HAVE a niece, badly and cruelly reared by her narcissistic mother, who is tormenting me. She confabulates absurd stories, and posts them to Facebook, using my name, and slandering me. She came to our house and vandalized our landscape and cars, and we got a restraining order. Nevertheless, she made up a story about my getting a life insurance policy on her son who lives with another aunt, and claimed I meant to murder him. Her own mother committed suicide after she saw the awful results of her child-rearing, years ago. Two nights ago, she came to our house with a hammer, and broke out the glass on my expensive porch light, and the tail light on one of our cars--regardless of the restraining order. The police caught her and put her in jail. She had been living in a tent with the few belongings she still possessed (She had a quarter-million dollars in inheritance which she blew through quickly, but which left her destitute.) She claims she is a "victim" and wants me to "help" her. She has a GoFundMe page which has netted little. She is an absolute terror, and I have no idea what to do about her.
Why are sociopaths roaming our earth? What is the point of their existence? Is this some kind of mental retardation? Are they demons? I'm reading all these comments and seeing patterns, some are identical to what my sons and I went thru, how can this be? The lies , degradations, addictions to porn , alcohol, cheating, do they not know they are hurting others? What will God do with them when they die, they have zero remorse? My ex just about mentally destroyed me , but I caught on thankfully, I took Prozac for a year because of him convincing me I was borderline? . My sons are in college and have nothing to do with him any longer, our lives are so peaceful, my night terrors have stopped. I will never get closure , nor answers, you are left saying what in the hell just happened? I feel like our lives were touched with pure evil and I shudder~
Seriously, who cares whether they are a sociopath or not! What you know is that they are not a very nice person so keep them out of your life. Everyone has a choice to choose to hate or to love. No excuses no matter what you are. Personally, I do not think that Eric is a sociopath because he has feelings. He has a sensitivity within him or maybe his conscience is not completely dead yet ... He definitely loves been the center of attention here in this forum! We are all selfish beings it just depends what opportunity is given us to push us to how much we will act out selfishly. How do you think Hitler got normal people to do his murdering for him He promised them power etc... I believe the only Person that can keep you from selfish actions is having a personal relationship with Christ.
(Jude)
Wow, being a sociopath myself i never expected a webpage dedicated for sociopath's victim. As a sociopath, i would call myself highly functioning because i blend in well with neurotypicals(i have to look stupid and fake empathy ughhh), have above average IQ, logical and practical, can read people like sherlock holmes, and have excellent social skills. I have never gotten into trouble with the law although being self interested. I love understanding human behaviour and how i can use it to my practical advantage. Anyways i been through hell when i was younger for me to get this self actualized at a young age(twenties).
I had just recently discovered the word"sociopathy"(thanks to my hunger for knowledge although i usually hyperfocus on stuff related to finance/money/wealth as they are more practical). I knew i was different all along and it was an AHA moment when i discovered sociopaths and sociopathy. Anyway since i am here thought i would value add by giving some insights to both neurotypicals and sociopaths.
To neurotypicals:
I have read lots of whining, hating, etc from you guys towards sociopaths you proclaim, let me tell you something scarier, narcissists are the real people you should be wary off not sociopaths for the main reason they never want to really discard you yes you go through the cycle value,devalue,discard with a narcissist but ultimately he/she would want to keep you there to feed him of his needs. So logically and morally i feel sociopaths though lack morals discard people after they meet their objectives unlike narcissist who cause much more damage(i have seen what narcisisst's victims been through and its hell). Now back to the topic of sociopaths, if you have been discarded(which justifies why are you here in the first place), just take it as you trusting the wrong person(i would assume you have been cheated in a relationship because if you have been cheated in business its just your incompentency, and if you family member is a sociopath blame his/her dad or mom for the environment he/she was brought up in and the genes in them as sociopaths are half nature and half nurture ). Now move on and learn to be more discerning of people and their motives, always look at their actions and its consistency and match it to what they say and portray themselves to be/image(sorry fellow sociopaths you gotta up your game;) haha). Now another thing to note if you are ever attracted to a sociopath if he/she was unmasked, you probably do have a problem as well maybe you are borderline, narcississt, daddy girls, etc basically like attract like so if a lowly functioning sociopath who choose to meet a lady with his mask off because he doesnt know he is a sociopath he would attract another genuine person who is also damaged in a certain way. Now if you got played by a masked sociopath(highly functioning one) then thats really too bad because you cant really see that coming but you know what? why should we judge sociopaths as they are the outliers who know how to play the mating game? We have normal(neurotypical) males and females cheating on each other its just that sociopathic males/females just do it better thus more damage before the discard and that is because they been through shit when they was younger and no one could feel the pain as much as they do thus the honing of their abilities to such a standard. Life is karma, we have stupid but selfish normal people pushing a normal person and when it goes to far the normal person loses his/her ability to feel(imagine this pain during formative years when most of your peers have circumstances with caring people around them), and thus a sociopath is born. Moral of the story here is all humans are selfish.
This is one of the first articles my therapist ever gave me about sociopaths, and it was extremely helpful.
I met a sociopath at a vulnerable point in my marriage, and he swooped in to try to woo me away with him (for my money, my status, sex, to show he could win, etc.). He presented himself as a deeply romantic poet, artist, and humanitarian. He was great fun, totally carefree. He convinced me that our spouses weren't treating us well and that we deserved happiness. He made me feel like we were an amazing fit, meant to be. I'm an empath and codependent. He had a sad, sad back story that included poverty and abuse. I was hooked for the greater part of a year.
Eventually, our affair was revealed and destroyed everyone around us. He took a dark turn and started pushing me harder to run away with him. He attempted to triangulate me with his wife when they reconciled and told me he left his marriage and family for me when reconciation failed (not true; his wife filed for divorce from him). He even showed up in my neighborhood one night to intercept me on my way home from work and get me to run off with him. When I didn't, he acted shocked and devastated that I could be so callous. He had no empathy at all for me or for the fact that my children were struggling immensely with terrible gossip in our community and tension at home. He became insanely jealous of the fact that I was still living at home, and he hated my husband (who is obviously a person with a lot of grace).
I became suicidal, and he encouraged it. He was almost gleeful when I was miserable. I didn't know what was "wrong" with him, but I had an epiphany one day that he was deliberately hurting and manipulating me, so I cut off all contact.
He proceeded to call, message, and even show up places I went. He acted like we were simply in a tiff or even that things were still normal between us. When that didn't work, he left tearful apologies that strained credulity. I never responded to any of it, even though it enrages me that someone violated my boundaries with entitlement.
In hindsight, there were absolutely red flags. He lied, even for no reason. He stole small things. He took all of the credit and none of the blame for things that happened in his life. He took advantage of other people's kindness, not just mine. He had literally nothing positive to say about his wife even when they were still together (old supply). When she found out about our affair, his wife told me he had previously been violent with her, and she wanted to know how much money he had gotten me to spend on him. His emotions appeared to be all over the place and didn't always fit the situation appropriately. I sometimes felt he was studying my face. He would tell me he had dark thoughts.
Aside from dealing with shame and remorse over having had an affair, I feel stupid for being duped into falling in love with a fictitious person. I am working on my own integrity, but I'm also struggling with how to continue living as a generous and compassionate person without being a sociopath target again (non-romantically). I am a tad jaded but wide awake.
For the comments on the sociopath Topic online, (from "Brigitte" age 41.) I'm diagnosed bipolar, I suspect slightly schizophrenic, definitely on the sociopath spectrum. The purpose of getting an actual diagnosis is to aid in treatment- if not planning to treat it, it can cause more harm to wear that label (in your mind.) Those who feel they may be sociopaths, then choose to identify as such, can put themselves & others in undue danger. Be aware. Regarding my sociopathy: I have hormones to cause elevated blood pressure, sweating etc as a reaction to stress, I can feel anxiety... but my judgment of a situation as bad or good, sad or happy, love or hate is based on logic. I've analyzed how others respond, chosen to mimic what I respect and avoiding acting like those I don't respect. All deliberate when I was young; as I age, most stays the same, but I adjust as I learn. I love to learn, I'm very curious, I'm studying everything including people. I have intentionally chosen not to hurt people on purpose in general because the consequence is more limited freedom to learn, explore etc in the future. I account for consequences, they affect my choices. I have developed a strong sense of responsibility to do right by other people- to care for weaker people for example. It's intentional. Any asshole can kill people to try to prove he is an evil genius. I believe I can and should do better- something more advanced and complicated, something in-recognized, under-appreciated- just for the challenge, which is worthy of me: I use my "power" for good and not evil. Who is better qualified than me? I invite those people to challenge themselves to work for good and not evil also. Unfortunately, "good" can seem arbitrary, but I have studied and learned a lot. All cultures agree and aim to live by some version of the "golden rule": Do unto others as you'd have done unto you. So I accept that as the baseline test of what is good. I've studied religions, faiths, etc. I do believe it is possible to know more about "God"- to understand the common feelings of love that allow humans to care about each other. I've learned a lot. I can mindfully listen, and I feel that the path, the Tao, is self-evident when you allow yourself to hear. I think of this as the Holy Spirit. You don't need a conscience to find God, He is everywhere, and you'll know when you are prepared to listen with a desire to know and understand. Any question you are prepared to ask has an answer that has truth, you might not like it or be prepared for the answer. If you aren't prepared to ask a question, you aren't prepared for the answer and can't be taught. Just logic and philosophy here FYI, it's nothing fancy- but I do think a lot and I need to know certain things, there's no choice. I refuse to waste my efforts & talents, I am better than that. On meds for decades now, I used to have voices that never stopped, I couldn't concentrate, I didn't want to live like that, could not live like that. My formerly excellent memory is Swiss cheese now and my enjoyment of life is blunted; so much of my desire to be everywhere always is gone, I feel numb. But really, it allows me to act normal. What an insult to normal people... or an insight into how high and low I was, normal people can't imagine. I killed a rabid raccoon with a baseball bat. Killing is difficult, physically... but I have no arbitrary moral problem with it. I prefer not to waste life, it's a logical decision. I breastfed my 3 kids. Nursing provides a flood of oxytocin which allows mother and child to bond strongly. I felt it. There is a sense of responsibility in me to protect my own self- and I made them, their bones formed inside me, they are mine. I have developed and prioritized a commitment of loyalty to my children. But oxytocin is just a chemical.
YOU people will never understand the absence of conscience if you keep telling yourself they're suffering somehow. They feel FINE and see YOU as the suffering fools who think trust and love exist..."many tell themselves that they are just depressed or reduce themselves to a highly inebriated state to deal with it." They think they're smarter than everyone else. They don't have any uncomfortable feelings to self-medicate, so if you believe it when a real amydala retarded sociopath tells you they're "depressed" they really are laughing behind your back at how dumb you are.
I feel grateful that I figured out my employee was a sociopath and ultimately won by not keeping her on out of the excuse of a "poor fit".
I am a warm trusting person. I am dedicated to sharing power. Oh, this is candy to the sociopath who wants to knock you out of your job.
Fortunately, she shows very odd behavior from the start -- no greetings, secretive behavior. That morphed into disprespectful behavior (eye rolling, withholding, disobedience disguised as forgetfulness). When I began to confront these behaviors, the behavior morphed into covert manipulation.
All the while I was wondering what I was doing wrong as the supervisor and continually trying to adjust to make her happy. However, my intuition is good and I often had the hair standing up on the back of my neck and dread in the pit of the stomach.
Finally, I conquered the situation by laying out a detailed program of meetings on trust, team playing, etc. The key was to get *her* to study up and lead the discussions and report back findings.
By meeting three she was ready to quit. I gave her one more chance, out of a desire to truly work with a really smart, good worker, but she manipulated during that last chance.
Ultimately we chose not to renew her appointment. I thank God that we use limited appointments to try on people before hiring them.
I don't think she is used to losing as she is very, very smart. But I outwitted her with transparency, kindness and when I finally got my bearing back, professionalism. I also used her manipulations against her when I could, and a few times I could. Sociopaths don't like their manipulation to be outed, so you might not try that one. They like revenge and will seek it.
I had enough respect of my supervisors and people around me that, while they didn't necessarily believe me on her manipulative nature, they allowed me deference to let her go since it clearly was not a good fit.
Last I heard this person doesn't have a job, though I gave her a sincere lead to an almost sure-bet job with good pay and well suited for her. Her pride wouldn't let her follow up on it I suppose.
You cannot imagine how better things are now that she is gone. I saw that also she was a negative influence on the other staff person. Now that she is gone my other employee is respectful, helpful and friendly.
People will sometimes underestimate kind, self-reflective, cooperative people who are on the ropes in some way (I was and I think she tried to play me like a violin). But the power of truth, honesty, and character will win out if you don't let this person drag you into being insecure. You need to keep your own power about you. Be certain of your perceptions and don't let them make you feel inferior due to your mistakes.
Sociopaths will exploit your kindness. If you apologize and own up to a mistake, they will smirk and belittle you about it.
Best way to deal with these people is say very little, reveal very little, but be straightforward, open, and authoritative.
They worship power and control and despise collaboration and weakness.
From this experience I learned that I will not start an empoyee off with being friendly and sharing power -- rather I will be reserved, fair, and let them work to earn the trust and respect.
FWIW
Could anyone point me in a direction of finding out about how societies can foster sociopathic tendencies in people - ordinary citizens and leaders - or how other societies might discourage such tendencies? Like why Germans fell for Hitler, or Russians were tormented by Stalin? Any writings on how societies can defend themselves against sociopaths?
In the Sociopath next door the author talks about countries and cultures that have lower incidence of sociopathy, is there any indication of the countries and cultures that have the highest incidence?
I'm. Not going to reveal my real name but I was wondering if I.could ask you in depth questions as I have been seeing a sociopath and I really like him and enjoy his.company but emotionally he has me breaking down all the time can u help me with some.pointers so I can.stay with him or is there.no hope
I'm wondering if this blog is still active as the last date is 2015....I found Martha Stout's book at a book store by chance. The description, and prevalence, of Sociopathy seem to be answering a lot of questions for me regarding our son. We started noticing behaviors at age 3 that definitely not what we taught or lived in our family. By age 5, we were seeking psychoanalytical, educational, spiritual, medical, and over the last 8 years behavior therapy, residential treatment, nothing has provided answers nor help. We have had 5 different psychologists try to label, and the last 3 just stated there was nothing that they could do for our family. Reading the book, some of the comments in the blog, has given me insight and courage to admit what we are most likely dealing with, and how to go about living our lives with him. Refusing to be victims is our first key and knowing we can love him, but not fuel the mindset is the best way to love him, possibly teaching him that people are necessary if not appreciated in life, and how to be able to navigate society, is a totally different view point as a parent still rearing a child you see these tendencies in. Thank you for your insight....
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