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Featured Comment
"I have been married for twenty years to a man who lies, shows no emotion, had no interest in his children etc. I knew something was very wrong with him but could not put my finger on it, or knew there was a name for it. I found out he has been having sex with prostitutes and a lot of them for most if not all of our marriage. He is a Sociopath. He feels nothing for no one, is selfish, and could care less who he hurts.
"If you meet a man and he gives you clues that he might be a sociopath, run. Run like you have never run before; run like the wind and don't look back."
- April 9, 2011 2:52 AM
"If you meet a man and he gives you clues that he might be a sociopath, run. Run like you have never run before; run like the wind and don't look back."
- April 9, 2011 2:52 AM
Recommended Books:
Help For People Who Have Survived a Sociopath:
A psychotherapist who works with people surviving sociopaths has groups and individual sessions available most of the time. If her schedule is full, she will put you on a waiting list.
She was once married to a sociopath and, like so many others, had no idea until the bottom fell out of her life! She is now dedicated to supporting others who are going through this horrific experience. Email me if you have any questions for her. She would be happy to discuss anything regarding her practice or her experience.
She charges a fee, of course, but your insurance may cover it.
She was once married to a sociopath and, like so many others, had no idea until the bottom fell out of her life! She is now dedicated to supporting others who are going through this horrific experience. Email me if you have any questions for her. She would be happy to discuss anything regarding her practice or her experience.
She charges a fee, of course, but your insurance may cover it.
Support Groups:
Order of Protection Survivor:
A woman shares her story of living through the nightmare of having to file an Order of Protection against her husband while providing helpful resources for other women going through a similar scary situation: Order of Protection Survivor
Domestic Abuse Help:
If you are a victim of domestic abuse, find out what your options are.
Use this to find a local shelter in your area: United States DV Resources
Also, here's the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Use this to find a local shelter in your area: United States DV Resources
Also, here's the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Interview with Martha Stout
" . . . understanding this problem [sociopathy] creates an entire paradigm shift in the way we view human nature." - Dr. Martha Stout
Dr. Martha Stout
82 Marlborough Street
Boston, MA 02116 USA
On LivingHero.com is an interview with Dr. Martha Stout, clinical psychologist and bestselling, award-winning author on the subject of sociopathy.
For twenty-six years, she served as a Psychology Instructor in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and also taught at the Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology, Wellesley College, The New School for Social Research, and the National Institute of Mental Health. Dr. Stout has worked at Massachusetts General Hospital and McLean Psychiatric Hospital.
She is author of The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us, a National Bestseller and winner of a Books for a Better Life Award.
You may download the mp3 file for free, which will play in iTunes, RealPlayer, Windows Media Player and other media players or you may listen to it right here by clicking on the purple media player below. (The interview is about 30 minutes long.)
You can contact Martha Stout here:Dr. Martha Stout
82 Marlborough Street
Boston, MA 02116 USA
Psychopathy Awareness
An informative blog: Psychopathy Awareness.
Post Comments
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And make sure you subscribe to the comments so you know when someone answers you (you'll see a little box to click when you leave your comment).
And make sure you subscribe to the comments so you know when someone answers you (you'll see a little box to click when you leave your comment).
| + | What is a Psychopath? | |
| | This link goes to an answer from a psychopath research organization. And the link below goes to a discussion forum by the same organization. | |
| + | Topics include: Psychopath in your life | |
| | Parents - Children | |
| + | Psychopath in the Family | |
| | Parents - Siblings |
Save the World
Martha Stout said if more people knew about sociopaths there would be less war in the world. I think she's right. Consider these facts:
1. According to the famous Milgram experiments, 65 percent of people will follow the orders of an authority.
2. Sociopaths want to win. They seek control. They are excellent manipulators. They don't care who gets hurt. They don't care who lives or dies.
3. They sometimes make it to positions of power. And they cause wars.
If more people knew the characteristics of a sociopath, more people would identify them for what they are before they gain too much authority and power. A sociopath would then be less likely to ever gain significantly powerful positions.
Result: Fewer wars.
There would be less horror in the world.
The truth is, even though it is a common belief that "man is a violent species," we are not. But when a sociopath gains a position of supreme authority and they start wars, 65 percent will obey authority, and most of the rest will be fooled and manipulated into believing in supporting the cause. The result is war. And many of those who fight in them feel terrible about the whole thing. They don't want to kill. They feel they have to.
The reason sociopaths are able to get away with as much as they do is because most people are so ignorant about the topic.
Now listen: You are in a unique position to save the world. Not very many people know about such a thing as "common, everyday sociopaths." They don't know their characteristics. They don't know how to spot them.
But you do.
Share your knowledge. Share it far and wide and in every way you can. And urge everyone you know to help you spread the knowledge. This could change the course of history. It could go a long way toward real peace on earth.
1. According to the famous Milgram experiments, 65 percent of people will follow the orders of an authority.
2. Sociopaths want to win. They seek control. They are excellent manipulators. They don't care who gets hurt. They don't care who lives or dies.
3. They sometimes make it to positions of power. And they cause wars.
If more people knew the characteristics of a sociopath, more people would identify them for what they are before they gain too much authority and power. A sociopath would then be less likely to ever gain significantly powerful positions.
Result: Fewer wars.
There would be less horror in the world.
The truth is, even though it is a common belief that "man is a violent species," we are not. But when a sociopath gains a position of supreme authority and they start wars, 65 percent will obey authority, and most of the rest will be fooled and manipulated into believing in supporting the cause. The result is war. And many of those who fight in them feel terrible about the whole thing. They don't want to kill. They feel they have to.
The reason sociopaths are able to get away with as much as they do is because most people are so ignorant about the topic.
Now listen: You are in a unique position to save the world. Not very many people know about such a thing as "common, everyday sociopaths." They don't know their characteristics. They don't know how to spot them.
But you do.
Share your knowledge. Share it far and wide and in every way you can. And urge everyone you know to help you spread the knowledge. This could change the course of history. It could go a long way toward real peace on earth.
WikiHow on Sociopathy
WikiHow has several articles on sociopaths:
How to Deal With a Sociopath
How to Detect a Sociopath
How to Understand Sociopaths
How to Deal With a Sociopath
How to Detect a Sociopath
How to Understand Sociopaths
Scientific American Mind
In the September/October 2010 issue of Scientific American Mind is an article entitled, Inside the Mind of a Psychopath. Among other things, the reseachers wrote, "Aided by EEGs and brain scans, scientists have discovered that psychopaths possess significant impairments that affect their ability to feel emotions, read other people's cues and learn from their mistakes.
These deficiencies my be apparent in children who are as young as five years old.
When you tally trials, prison stays and inflicted damage, psychopaths cost us $250 billion to $400 billion a year.
The reseachers wrote:
Charming as they may seem, psychopaths can also be tone-deaf because they lack access to their own feelings and those of others. Imagine what it would be like never to be depressed or anxious, never to have regrets or low self-esteem but also never to care deeply for anyone or anything. Psychopaths' emotions are shallow: they feel irritated when they don't get their way and turn to risky behaviors for the flimsiest of reasons. Bereft of loyalties and passions, they wander through life, often straying into criminality on a whim — forgeries, thefts, assaults, even murders may be committed out of some trivial impulse. As for complex emotions such as devotion, guilt, or joy, theirs remains a textbook understanding — it has been said that they "know the words but not the music."
Dozens of studies reveal that psychopaths experience the world differently from other people. They have trouble making appropriate moral value judgments and putting the brakes on their impulses. They are also hampered in how they respond to emotions, language and distractions — a disconnect that is sometimes seen as early as age five.
Psychopaths are notable for their fearlessness: when confronted with images such as a looming attacker or a weapon aimed their way, they literally don't blink.
Chances are, you have met a psychopath. People with the disorder make up 0.5 to 1 percent of the general population. When you discount children, women (for reasons that remain a puzzle, few women are afflicted), and those who are already locked up, that translates to approximately 250,000 psychopaths living freely in the U.S.
Some researchers have estimated that as many as 500,000 psychopaths inhabit the U.S. prison system, and there may be another 250,000 more living freely — perhaps not committing serious crimes but still taking advantage of those around them.
Whatever the reasons, many psychiatrists are left with the false impression that psychopathy and antisocial personality disorder are the same. They are not. Antisocial personality disorder is a helpful diagnosis when the question is whether a person is likely to behave badly, but it does nothing to discriminate among criminals. Only one in five people with antisocial personality disorder is a psychopath.
The above was written by Kent A. Kiehl, a neuroscientist at the University of New Mexico, and Joshua W. Buckholtz, a PhD candidate in neuroscience at Vanderbilt University.
Contact them here:
Kent A. Kiehl
kkiehl@unm.edu
Joshua W. Buckholtz
joshua.buckholtz@vanderbilt.edu
These deficiencies my be apparent in children who are as young as five years old.
When you tally trials, prison stays and inflicted damage, psychopaths cost us $250 billion to $400 billion a year.
The reseachers wrote:
Charming as they may seem, psychopaths can also be tone-deaf because they lack access to their own feelings and those of others. Imagine what it would be like never to be depressed or anxious, never to have regrets or low self-esteem but also never to care deeply for anyone or anything. Psychopaths' emotions are shallow: they feel irritated when they don't get their way and turn to risky behaviors for the flimsiest of reasons. Bereft of loyalties and passions, they wander through life, often straying into criminality on a whim — forgeries, thefts, assaults, even murders may be committed out of some trivial impulse. As for complex emotions such as devotion, guilt, or joy, theirs remains a textbook understanding — it has been said that they "know the words but not the music."
Dozens of studies reveal that psychopaths experience the world differently from other people. They have trouble making appropriate moral value judgments and putting the brakes on their impulses. They are also hampered in how they respond to emotions, language and distractions — a disconnect that is sometimes seen as early as age five.
Psychopaths are notable for their fearlessness: when confronted with images such as a looming attacker or a weapon aimed their way, they literally don't blink.
Chances are, you have met a psychopath. People with the disorder make up 0.5 to 1 percent of the general population. When you discount children, women (for reasons that remain a puzzle, few women are afflicted), and those who are already locked up, that translates to approximately 250,000 psychopaths living freely in the U.S.
Some researchers have estimated that as many as 500,000 psychopaths inhabit the U.S. prison system, and there may be another 250,000 more living freely — perhaps not committing serious crimes but still taking advantage of those around them.
Whatever the reasons, many psychiatrists are left with the false impression that psychopathy and antisocial personality disorder are the same. They are not. Antisocial personality disorder is a helpful diagnosis when the question is whether a person is likely to behave badly, but it does nothing to discriminate among criminals. Only one in five people with antisocial personality disorder is a psychopath.
The above was written by Kent A. Kiehl, a neuroscientist at the University of New Mexico, and Joshua W. Buckholtz, a PhD candidate in neuroscience at Vanderbilt University.
Contact them here:
Kent A. Kiehl
kkiehl@unm.edu
Joshua W. Buckholtz
joshua.buckholtz@vanderbilt.edu
A Clarification on a Common Belief
"Man's inhumanity to man" should be changed to, "Sociopath's inhumanity to normal humans." It doesn't have the same poetic feeling, but it is more accurate.
Contact Me
Email me here: rising.up@gmail.com
2,335 comments:
1 – 200 of 2335 Newer› Newest»I have been very worried about my son's behaviour. He is 24 years old and has many of the characteristics you mentioned in your article. We have been very worried about him mainly because he seems to have no direction or goals and has an addictive personality (ie. gambling, drugs, drinking). He gets very angry easily and becomes a bully, not physically. He is dishonest when he needs to be and does not seem to learn from his mistakes, ie. he will continually do things that he shouldn't, apologize, but do it again. Reading the article I am very disheartened to learn that there is not cure for a sociopath, if in fact my son is one. He does show affection but now I wonder if it's real. I've been trying to talk him in to getting help but he is reluctant even though he admits to having symptoms of depression and the fact that he is addicted to marijuana. I am really worried about him and find it hard to think about totally abandoning him as you suggest. What would you do if it was your own child?
I have a daughter who is now 29 yrs of age. I have been trying to figure her out for a long time. I answered yes to every question that was asked at the begining, and she has shown all the symtoms of a sociopath. I find my self wondering how she can do some of the things she does or decissions she makes. She makes my life miserable most of the time. Though she makes herself look all together and stable minded. Like the last person who commented, I know how you feel. how can you just get rid of your own child or do nothing to help her? well, my daughter has caused me so much pain that I find myself now letting it run down my back. I don't believe anything she says anymore, and when for one moment she seems together or even respectful of me I don't even accept that anymore. It's not my fault and there is nothing I can do, because evidence shows it... I don't think I'll ever write her off, but I'm numb to her now, which maybe I'll be healther for it. She is causing pain for others in her life and 2 of them are my precious grandchildren, whom she for the most part to an outsider might think she is a wonderful mom. She's not, the kids father molested them, she faught for 2 yrs to keep him away and when it wasn't proven to be enough evidence to confict him, she brought him back into the home... now, I continue the fight for the kids, in hopes to rescue them. The justice systems doesn't work, at least in this case. My eyes are more open now as to who I am dealing with after reading this, so maybe it will help my focus on the kids more clearly...
I wanted to post because I think that I am a sociopath. I have for some time now. I don't really know what that means. I don't feel close to anyone and that use to bother me, but now I feel fine with it. You say that there is no treatment for people like this, but I think some form of therapy might help. I've told people who care about me that I believe that I am a sociopath but they don't believe it. I always get that same reasoning of, "crazy people don't know they're crazy" but I think if one knows what something is. They should be able to identify those same characteristics in themselves. I mimic behavior of others because I don't really know what to do in certain situations. Sometimes I do it instantly and without thought, like a reflex. I know that I try to manipulate people and try to create stimuli whether it be positive or negative. I also believe that my condition is escalating, especially since I've begun to recognize what I am. I'm not asking for help I don't think I need it but there has to be away to stop people like me. I'd keep going but now I'm bored.
i relate to the person who commented before me. My whole life i have wondered why i act and feel the way i do. I believe you can tell if you are a sociopath by asking yourself this, Do you want to get better and change your way of thinking? I myself do not want to change how i think, i love that i can bring people to a breakdown and feel nothing. I constantly find flaws in others and exploit their weaknesses to get what i want such as vulnerability after a break up, parental issues etc. Socipaths feed off of feeling superior so we will break you down until you are significantly inferior to us. We will not stop phsycially or emotionally abusing you until you are numb. I feel very satisfied when i ahve brought someone to tears and i can metaphorically of literally stand on top of them.
I have only told my mother i love her and no one else but i question the veracity of this statement because i often want to hurt her and the rest of my family. If you know a sociopath in your life you know it is nearly impossible to leave them. I know because i have caused enormous stress on my parents but they are unable to wash their hands of me because when i sense this coming i mimic kindness and love to ensure i still have control of them. If you love a socipath then you are not in control of teh relationship, we may allow you to think you can leave but you cannot. None of you will abandon your kids and you know it even if you find out they are a sociopath. Therapy does not work if your wondering. I am in counselling but i have managed to make the psychologist believe i ahve post traumatic stres disorder due to domestic violence and he believs all my actions stem from my hatred for my father. I chose to do this because i knew there would be a confrontation with my father and the psychologist and that this would break him down. It did. Also if you have questions i will frequent this site and answer them. However know this, I will not help you i will only explain someones actions or my own. Remember sociopaths are the best profilers...
It sounds like the people who believe they are sociopaths are quite aware of it and seem comfortable with who they are. Are you always looking to manipulate or hurt someone or does it just seem to happen without even thinking about it? Do you drink or do drugs or do you just get high from causing misery in people's lives? Is there ever a time when you just want to love or be loved?
Im guessing that question was to me (Eric), by the way. Yes you are correct i am quite comfortable being who i am even tho others may look down upon it, because i see those people as weak. I am constantly looking to manipulate people, however i do not have set people. i do this partly because i am bored and its a form of entertainment and also to be in control of another person and be able to basically dictate their actions. I dont wake up with plans to hurt people however if someone pisses me off they are immediately chosen and i verbally abuse them based on their insecurities and flaws.
If no one really pisses me off i may just chose someone that has low self esteem or someone I see as inferior to me. I am in university so yes i drink but not that often maybe once or twice a week on the weekends however i do not get to the point where i cant speak and pass out, because i constantly need to feel in control of my actions. I do smoke marijuana occasionally sometimes 5 times a week sometimes none it varies (I have gone months without smoking.) I find that weed allows me to reach the truly evil state that i wish to be in however i use discretion depending on what people i am around.Also i think you view me as someone who sits in my room thinking "yes i hurt that person so bad today ahaha" Thats not what i do. I hurt people and cause misery without any thought of it because i dont care how that person feels or what they do because of what i said. However if i have a grudge against someone my main goal will be to make that persons life miserable and i stop at nothing to do so.
I do not allow people to have the last laugh and i will go through extremes to make sure i win in the end. I have grudges from high school where i still make their lives miserable just because i never let things go-I do not forgive. Love? I do not know what this feels like or if it even exists. I have never cared about someone enough to do something good for them just because. I do not want that. I may do something good for someone so that i get something in return but never just because i care about them. I do not want people tied down to me so i often push these people away which usually hurts them. These people are often friends of a couple years who see me as a close or even best friend. I see people with happy lives and being married however i dont think that this state is possible for me because i would never put that trust in someone. Yes i want to be loved by some people, i aim for it. Once someone loves me i am able to control that person and control their feelings. There is nothing i do that will push this person away now and i can manipulate them into doing almost anything i want. Some of these people think i love them back, i am a great actor. also if you met me you would never know this side of me. I am quite charming, friendly and have a good sense of humour especially on first impressions where i am analyzing each person. I fake every emotion and feeling which allows me to create a different illusion seperate to each person. Basically i will become whatever type of person you most relate to until i feel its time to use you. This is most common on girls when im looking to "hook up" with someone.
Do you think that all sociopaths know themselves as well as you do, or are there many who haven't figured it out? Is there ever a time when you feel badly about hurting someone? Is there ever a point when you feel you have gone too far? It all sounds so devious. There are people out there who do similar things and are not labeled sociopaths, they are just kind of being mean - high school girls maybe. These people might eventually feel remorse as they evolve. Do you ever feel that you will change. I have read that sociopaths can "mellow" with age.
I think there must be different degrees of this condition. For example one writer says he thinks he is a sociopath and has told his close friends about his suspicions. This person does not sound like he is as deeply into the "lifestyle" as Eric for example. I guess it's possible to have some of the traits and not others. In those cases would it be harder to detect. Are some people sloppier about hiding their intentions, for example are some sociopaths better actors than others?
I'm an old faggot who'd been sexless for 16 years. Two years ago I met a beautiful, charming 17-year-old. He introduced himself by asking if his loud music ever bothered me (it didn't), so I thought 'What a lovely guy' - and he even helped me and an elderly friend move in - he lived next door. Three months later he seduced me.(If he'd come on to me at once I'd have run a mile) I thought 'This is too good to be true'. It was.
One breakdown and alcohol-detox later, and £3,000 poorer because of him - some of it stolen - I know now that all my friends were right about him. He fits almost all your criteria. I only stuck him out so long because he'd had to leave town after telling the cops who attacked my house last year - so HE says.
Now he wants money to pay off a dope-dealer, or, he says, he'll get beaten up so bad he'll end up in hospital.
I'm not sending it.
(Eric) I have met several sociopaths and most of them are somewhat aware of what they are but i find that many tell themselves that they are just depressed or reduce themselves to a highly inebriated state to deal with it. I have also noticed that the sociopaths that knew they were sociopaths were very intelligent and had the same thinking process as me such as idntical twins do. To this day I have never felt bad about hurting someone, when i was younger i would try and force myself to feel remorse or cry but i was unable to. I never feel that i have gone too far, i only feel that i could have caused them more pain by going further. Once i begin trying to hurt someone i cannot stop until that person is brought to tears or has some type of emotional breakdown. It is devious. I know you will not be able to understand this but i often wish to be pure evil, indestructable and capable of inflicting fear into everyone i encounter, it is during these times i believe i experience some type of psychotic break. I believe that i am changing, i have noticed i have become more "evil" and the urge to hurt people has increased dramatically since high school. I also noticed i take things further, it takes more hurt and pain to satisfy me now. I dont know if sociopaths mellow at age its possible i suppose but i believe that stage is far off for me at the moment.
I dont believe that that writer is a sociopath my guess would be they are either a misanthropist or suffering from PTSD. The fact that they think therapy will help is the deal breaker. Sociopaths dont want help and know that they cannot be helped. Also that writer seems concerned with their actions even though they say they dont want to be helped. Perhaps this person has a trust issue which is why they have few friends and are content with it. Some traits can vary and there are varying degrees of sociopaths but the trait every sociopath has in common is that they dont want help and they are content with their actions and want them to continue. Better actors, good question. I have always been interested in drama and took it every year in high school and received marks in the high 90's each year. I suppose sociopaths differ in their acting abilities but the truth remains that they are charming and highly manipulative. If they want you to have a certain opinion of them you will. I believe I am able to talk my way out of anything and am also able to make anyone trust and like me. I have met one other sociopath that shares the same ideals and thoughts and he is also quite good at making others believe what he wants them to believe. We have caused pain to several people for entertainment and because we both share similar thoughts we are able to synchronize to attack your insecurities.
Eric, although I appreciate your honesty, I hope you don't mind if I tell you that you sound like a monster. Do you have hobbies that you enjoy or do you mainly plot your next "achievements" in your spare time? You seem to be all about messing with people's minds. There are other sociopaths who would be compelled to harm people physically right? Have you ever been tempted to physically harm someone or would you if you knew you would get away with it? Are you proud of the person you are? Have you ever wished that you could be "normal"? What kind of a relationship do you have with your family?
(Eric) I dont mind, but i will say this, If you met me or even were my friend, you would have no idea i am a sociopath. I have a few hobbies, I skateboard, snowboard, play hockey, lacrosse soccer etc. aha i dont really plan to cause people misery and i dont really consider it an achievment, I find it amusing and enertaining and I dont care about it enough to consider it an achievement although I am glad i am able to break people down without a care. Sociopaths who grew up in a violent home i believe may be violent. As to feeling compelled i am not sure because most sociopaths cause misery through verbal relationships and using their charm and manipulation rather than being violent. However, I often have the urge to cause people physcial harm and i feel no more than when i verbally attack someone. uncles cousins etc.
I think every sociopath has their own "style" some may find their release that is to say satisfying their urges needs to be violent whereas others may enjoy destructing lives by being promiscuous and unfaithful. Yes I am tempted to physicaly harm people once someone has angered me. Beating up people for no reason even if i get away with it is not something im crazy about. If someone insults me or pisses me off and is a male i feel more inclined to be physical with them than to try and verbally abuse them. Am i proud of the person i am? hmm I am not sure. I am happy that i can hurt people with no remorse and am basically immune to feeling hurt but i am not sure if i am proud of who i am as a whole. I could be more intelligent, more handsome, more athletic etc but for the most part i am satisfied with who i am. I havent wished to be normal but i sometimes wish i had some normal qualities. I do not have a good relationship with my immediate family but i do with my aunts,
ps uncles cousins etc should be after aunts in the second paragraph.
So a couple of things, you said if a sociopath grew up in a violent home they might be violent. I'm assuming then that you grew up in a normal non-violent household. Why is it that you are not close to your parents but you are with your aunts, uncles and cousins? Would you say that most sociopaths are incapable of having a long-term normal, loving relationship or marriage? Is the temptation too great to cheat, abuse or otherwise make the partner miserable? You sound like you're always in control. Is that common among sociopaths or would some be given to drinking or abusing drugs heavily? Surely some must not be happy with who they are. Isn't uncontrollable anger or even rage a trait of a sociopath or would that be a different personality disorder? I would think that the "diabolical" skill level of a sociopath would depend alot on his/her level of intelligence. Would you say that a sociopath who does not have a very high IQ would be less able to fully understand their own disorder, or be as good at acting the part of a "normal" person?
(Eric) I actually grew up in a violent household however i only phsyically harm someone when they try to hurt, embarass me or show sings that they think they are better than me. I am close with my aunts and uncles because they are not the ones who had to discipline me. Also i cannot act normal for 18 years straight however i can give that appearance every other month for family get togethers. Yes, sociopaths are unable to have loving relationships because sociopaths cannot feel love. They do not care about the other person. I dont think the temptation to cheat is overwhelming and too hard to control its more that it doesnt seem wrong to me and i do not feel remorse after. Think about it, if you knew your significant other would never find out and you wouldnt feel bad would you cheat? I think control plays a big role in a socipaths life, we control our emotions, our appearance, our relationships and usually anyone we encounter. However i have met sociopaths who drink and are into drugs but i believe that they are just realizing who they are and on some level are unaccepting to the truth. I would say most are unhappy but also happy with themselves it that makes any sense. They are depressed, but they do not want to change type thing. Personally anger and rage play a factor in my life and on some level it is uncontrollable. However i do not know if i was born normal and due to domestic violence became angry and immune to mine and others feelings or if i was already a sociopath and domestic violence created rage. A personality disorder that makes someone act like a sociopath is not a sociopath because they can be treated. Good question. In my personal experience the sociopaths i have met were very intelligent and able to comprehend behaviour analysis at a high degree. This may be partly because I am university and a certain intelligence is already required. However i believe that may be sociopaths that are not very intelligent and thus may resort to drinking or drugs and are more likely to be incarcerated. This is because sociopaths usually have high a IQ and are basically criminal masterminds. They may even be able to fool a lie detector test or commit illegal activities that cannot be traced back to them. So, it is hard to say if sociopaths tend to have a higher IQ, in my experience they do but that may be because the unintelligent ones are already in jail.
You say that a sociopath cannot have a loving relationship, but can they have long-lasting friendships or is is just a matter of time before your friends anger you in some way and then they have to suffer? I guess you don't really care because you don't need to be loved anyway and you can just move on. You say you may have been born normal and become a sociopath because of domestic violence. I was under the impression that it was definitely something one was born with. Have you ever been tempted to break the law? It sounds like you have met a number of sociopaths. I've been trying to think if I have ever known one. I get that I may not know one if met one but at the same time I don't think I would be the type of person who would have a sociopath in my life. Does that sound stupid to you? Are there certain personalities that would be more likely to attract or be attracted by a sociopath?
(Eric) I have had long lasting friendships but at some point they all end. I have had several "best friends" that i used to hang out with everyday and now do not speak to them. I dont like having close relationships because i feel like they tie me down or obligate me to be their friend and be in a give and take relationship. I want to be able to pick up and leave without anyone trying to bring me back. I often tell people such as girlfriends to expect me to one day cut them out of my life and they rarely believe me until it happens. Yes, i dont care if people love me or hate me it makes no difference to me as long as they are not restricting me. Well there is debate whether it is nature or nurture or a combination but because i cannot remember a peaceful time in my childhood its impossible to tell if i have changed or was born like this. I am constantly tempted to break the law, not a day goes by i dont day dream about acting out some type of criminal fantasy. I have a criminal record but it is not anything serious. No, it makes perfect sense, why would someone want a person in their life who can, at any moment ruin their life and not care. Its likely you have met a sociopath perhaps where you work, they wont necessarily stand out, they may seem very charming, confident and fun to be around. The ones people think are sociopaths because they are loners and seemingly anti-social most likely have a different disorder. I said this before but if you met me and talked to me for 5 minutes or 5 hours you would have no idea i was a sociopath unless you were deliberately trying to create tension. Yes there are certain types of people that attract sociopaths. Sociopaths are able to profile and understand you in a very short period of time. I believe you want to know who is a target for sociopaths. I tend to impersonally hurt people who are stuck up and believe they are better than me. I cannot stand someone thinking they are better "superior" to me. On a personal level i hurt females more because i am heterosexual and therefore have relations with females. There are no specific types of people i target however those with high insecurities stand out and because of their insecurities they draw me to hurt them. The best way to avoid sociopaths is to be comfortable and happy with yourself while at the same time not feeling superior to others. In that sense these people tend to be like ghosts to me. After about 5 minutes of talking with someone i have a pretty good idea of who they are and can hurt them accordingly. If you have wondered why some girls always sleep with assholes and heartless "losers" its because they are attracting sociopaths. Their insecurities about their image, issues with their father, depression etc are clearly evident to sociopaths. Now if your wondering what type of people i hang out with and am friends with, i will tell you this. I tend to hang around males that show little weakness and for the most part do not break that character. Men who are sensitive and express their feelings seem extremely weak to me. It is the opposite for females though. Although i am possibly the worst person to trust, i find that females are drawn to me. Females tend to open up to me and ask for my opinions and advice about their love lifes quite often. I have many female friends that think i am a "good guy" and out of all those females only 2 of them know what i am capable of but they still choose to be open with me.
I'm trying to figure out my sister. My own Mother was afraid of her. When I was a baby she stuck pins in me to make me cry. When I was 4 years and she was 7 years old we played doctor and she stuck a metal fingernail file in my back just missing my heart. When I was 7 we had a pillow fight and she knocked me out cold because she put rocks in the pillow. As a teenager she used to slice up her arms in suicide attempts. She at one point was locked up for her mental status. She is now 55 and runs a successful strippers bar. She laughs about the women that work there exploiting themselves while she gets richer. My Mother wrote her out of her will and so did my father. I felt sorry for my sister and that she and my father may never repair their relationship, and I talked my father into putting her back in his will. She now treats me crappy again, I was cut out of my fathers will and won't be receiving 300K,but I still will get 50K from my mother. She is contesting my Mothers will. I guess 300K is not enough for her. She has turned my disabled sibling against me, when I was the only one who would ever look after her. My oldest sister never had time or compassion to deal with my disabled sister. What am I dealing with here?????
(Eric) Yeah she is definitely a sociopath, actually i would describe her as a psychopath because not only does she have no remorse she also seems delusional and suicidal. I am aware that i am a sociopath and if i was her i would do the same thing and push you out of the will. She will make everyone take her side even though it seems impossible, sociopaths are highly manipulative and she will get what she wants. Her main goal is going to take you out of the will so everything goes to her and also get your disabled sister to take her side which will obviously cause you distress and possibly put you ino a depression. I would also be aware that once she is in the will your parents are endanger. She may not physically harm them but it is very possible that she will coach your mother or father into killing themselves. I'm not gonna lie but this most likely will not work out well for you. Also remember that although you may love her she does not give a shit about you, at all. So if i were you id get myself back in that will, or you said she is suicidal then its possible you could draw her into a deep depression and then let her do her thing...
ohh and also, remember how badly she hurt you when you were kids for no reason? Imagine what she would do for 300k. I really wanna meet your sister just to put her in her place.
What I can't understand is how can a small child purposefully hurt a smaller sibling? She was suicidal as a teenager not as an adult. When my Mother passed and Grandmother passed away in 2000
she said to me "You sure were the Golden One" You see no one had anything to do with her for 8 years because of the awful manipulations she would do. Then when only my Father was left " I felt sorry for her and she begged me to help her get back in with Dad. My Father was a mean man who always said Money and power is all that matters in this world. But I took care of him because I thought that the two deaths of his wife and mother humbled him. None of my other siblings would help in taking care of him because of the emotional cruelty he'd dish out. But him and my sister got back in good graces and I found myself on the outs. My Father died last spring and he did cut me out of his will.... but my Mom's part of the will that gets paid out on his death is now to be paid, She is not in that will at all but is contesting it. The monies from my Mom are 50K to each kid excluding her, my Fathers is 320K to each kid excluding me. What I don't understand is why does she need to contest my mom's for so little money when she's getting 320K. Why does she hate me so bad from young on. Isn't the money and power from her strip clubs and her house on the gulf and her home in the midwest enough??? I need to understand. I just want what my Mother wanted me to have. I barely can make ends meet.
I just need to understand. Any one that can help me understand please do so.
By the way the reason I am asking for advice on tis site is because I thought people may be well versed on this subject at tis site.
If a person is lazy, lies easily, spends a lot of time vegging out, likes to smoke pot and drink, was addicted to gambling, doesn't seem to have any goals but works, can't seem to look after own finances etc., becomes enraged easily and is verbally abusive, doesn't get overly close all the time but does show affection sometimes...as I'm typing this I'm realizing there are some main ingredients missing - he doesn't deliberately try to make people unhappy and doesn't need to feel superior, doesn't have many relationships with females, but prefers monogamy...I was going to ask if I may be dealing with a sociopath but I'm thinking not. I think he's depressed and possibly a personality disorder but sociopath maybe not. Anybody?
I think not. Of course, a sociopath could "show affection" without feeling any. Maybe some other problem. Do you love him?
This question is for Eric: Reading your posts has been very enlightening. I suspected the guy I was involved with is a sociopath and now I'm almost positive after reading your posts. I'm going to give you a high level overview of my relationship and you tell me if it screams sociopath to you.
I'm 15 years older than the guy I was dating for about a year and a half. I'm financially stable and make a good living. He didn't make much money but held a job, had a lot of legal drama trying to get partial custody of his daughter the whole time I was with him and was very focused on "winning" custody but I always sensed it was more about getting one up on his ex vs. wanting his daughter. He has a history of destroyed relationships and he is always the person who left only to be in a new relationship within weeks of leaving the old one.
He isn't friends with any of his ex-girlfriends because there was always such a horrible ending there was no going back. He always was the victim or had a reason to just leave and I mean cut and run without looking back. He claims he loved one woman but never loved anyone else he has been with.
After 10 mos of seeing him, he was on the verge of losing his house so I loaned him money to pay his mortgage in exchange for doing remodel work on my house. Needless to say the work was never completed or it was so sloppy, I had to pay someone else to redo his work. I haven't seen a dime of the money he owes me since we broke up and am taking legal action now to at least get a judgement against him.
He has no friends, kept me isolated from his family and work relationships and kept a lot hidden from me. I'm assuming that is part of the control you talked about. I suspected he had been cheating on me and lying about all kinds of stuff and when I confronted him on his lies and caught him in lies, that's when things really started to fall apart fast.
He always controlled the pace of the relationship and how much information I had about him. When I finally got fed up with him not paying me back after many months of trying to get him to do the work or pay me back in cash, he kept getting harder to locate. He lost his house, moved and wouldn't tell me where "because he was afraid his ex would find him and he suspected she was spying on him." I eventually found out he moved in with his new girlfriend and is thinking about marrying her.
I'm almost positive he was seeing her at the same time he was still seeing me and when he saw me losing patience, he created a situation that destroyed the relationship and he was out before I could break up with him.
He has never apologized or made any attempt to correct the situation and the only reason he's contacting me now is because I'm helping his ex prove that he's a pathological liar to determine he's an unfit parent. I really think the kid is just a tool to him to "win" and he's pissed because he has no control over me anymore so he's trying to manipulate me in other ways.
Avoidant Personality Disorder has similarities to SPD but the lack of remorse and how he just dropped out of the relationship without looking back makes me think SPD vs APD.
Also, I've never been in a relationship with anyone who lied so easily and stole from me without it seeming to bother him. In fact he actually justified not paying me back and tried to make me seem like a jerk for even pursuing it.
What do you think?
One more thing to add to my story...he avoided telling me that he was in a new relationship despite the fact that we've been split up for over 6 mos. I think he only told me about her because he wanted me to stop contacting him about the money he owes me. He was convinced that I was really contacting him to try to get back together with him--not recoup my substantial losses.
He is broke and got fired from his last job. He has been fired from 3 jobs that I know of in the past 3 years.
Much of this was unkown to me when I met him because of course, HE LIED and created a persona I would be comfortable dating. He also had a sad story to generate my sympathy for everything that was wrong in his life. I never knew about sociopaths before, I'm and honest person and have never had anyone so devious come into my life. I didn't realize anyone was capable of this level of deception and it snuck up on me. I've taken it as a lesson learned and hopefully I won't get fooled again. I don't assume people are honest, have good motives and truly care about me anymore. That sucks but it's reality and I'm on a hyper vigilant lock down right now.
Adam, yes I love him, he is my first born son, and I have frequently said in the past that he has a good heart, which always brings me to tears, maybe because it's not a lot to cling to in times of deep worry and frustration. Now I wonder if he is faking some things, i.e. affection or remorse, just to get back into my good books. He has made small attempts to speak to professionals but is probably afraid to tell them how he really feels. He did tell me that he suffers from some situational anxiety, but I'm always thinking he's depressed. I wish I didn't have to worry about him so much, but it might be that I always will.
Okay, you love him. Then you might try learning about anxiety and depression and then sharing with him what you learn. I recommend David Burns' book, "Feeling Good" and Martin Seligman's book, "Learned Optimism" to start with. And of course, my book has some useful stuff in it: Self-Help Stuff That Works.
Even if the problem is not ONLY anxiety and depression, improving it can make a big difference. Also, check out the web site, moodraiser.com.
Thanks for the tips. I'll check them out.
I stumbled across this site whilst googling. I am so grateful for what I have found out. I was in a marriage for 32 years and walked out just under 3 years ago. Your points have described my husband exactly. I thought there must have been something wrong with me. He never felt any remorse for upsetting people, mainly me and could say the most hurtful and nasty comments without any feeling whatsoever. He seemed to take great delight and power in domineering people. I don't believe he is capable of showing or receiving true love. He has now disassociated himself with one of our children, again with no remorse (it's always someone elses fault), which also means that he never sees his grandchildren. This does not seem to be a problem for him, wheras I would rather be dead than not have my children or grandchildren in my life. I am so glad that I have read your article - it explains so much to me and confirms that I have done the right thing in ending the marriage. Thank you again.
My son is 16, and I am concluding that he is a sociopath...my research has led my to your article and this page. Up until about a year ago, he was an admirably honest young man; he has always expressed himself clearly and assessed people and situations with astounding accuracy - even as a very young child; he was thoughtful, affectionate, protective, and caring to his friends, family, and everyone around him. Everyone - teachers, kids, other parents, family members - enjoyed his company, conversation, and pleasant disposition. Despite his intelligence, he experienced some learning difficulties in his early formative years. Other than that, he did not display any difficulties in school - emotionally, socially, or behaviorally.
At age 15, this all changed. He now steals, destroys and defaces things that belong to other people, with no apology or remorse. He lies incessantly, and I strongly believe that he believes his own lies. Because he believes his lies, I do not believe he feels he has done anything wrong. I also believe that as long as you don't have tangible proof of a thing, in his mind, it didn't really happen. Therefore, since he does not believe he has done anything wrong, he does not think he needs any help. He refuses counseling, and his grades have sunk to a shameful state. He refuses anyone who tries to help him, and will not be a part of anything that will make him better (at anything). Though he is only 16, he seems to think that there isn't anything anyone can teach him that he doesn't already know. He insulted one tutor to the point that she was almost in tears.
I have monitored some of his Internet activity and discovered that he initiates flirting with different young ladies (around his same age), introducing himself to each of them using a different name. Thankfully, from what I can tell, he hasn't gotten anywhere with this...at least not yet. He does not seem to have any sincere interests in girls, or even his friends for that matter. He does, however, care about marijuana.
He has not displayed some of the most heinous of sociopathic behavior as yet (at least not to my knowledge) but, clearly, he is getting there. I talk to him constantly about the consequences of his actions but there is usually no response and, certainly, no change in his behavior. He is a charming, smart, and extraordinarily handsome young man and ALL of his teachers reach out to help him. For this entire school year, it seems as if he is self-sabotaging, although he maintains that he plans/wants to go to college and has always been clear on what his career will be. He doesn't seem to "get" that the things he is doing will not get him there. He seems to think that he will magically just get there, I guess?
I also have a strong feeling that he will do just about anything for money. Since he has displayed that he has no conscience, I don't put anything past him. NOTHING!!!
Anyway, I could go on, but will stop here...
This change in him was so abrupt, and so unchracteristic of the child I have known and raised. I have read everywhere that there is no way you can help/cure the sociopath, but I refuse to believe that, at his young age, without at least trying. Of course, if this continues to escalate, at 18 I will likely be inclined to cut him off - I do feel that he is potentially dangerous to himself and others. In the meantime though, I am still looking for solutions and I refuse to give up on my CHILD.
(Eric) To the woman wondering if her ex is a sociopath. In my opinion i would have to say no he is not a sociopath. I know you know him well so i encourage you to disagree but i believe he may have paranoid disorder which leads to major trust issues. He says that he once loved someone, this may be possible and he may have been hurt so bad that he never allows anyone to get close to him again because he is scared of feeling that hurt again. If she cheated on him then that would explain his paranoid beliefs such as his ex spying on him. His actions seem more like a very selfish person who has been hurt badly. I think that all his symptoms seem to point to severe trust issues and it is possible that he loves his child and really does want her. If you can think of anything worse, i know taking your money is bad but many people cheat and take money that they never pay back; i mean things where he pusposely ruined others lives that didnt hurt him. Think of if there were times he hurt people for no reason and thoroughly enjoyed it, also was he concerned with you sleeping around and suspiscious because that would also point to trust issues. I know its hard to believe but a sociopath would do much worse, sociopaths will take your money and then continue to torment you and laugh about it instead of avoiding you. They love that they have hurt so dearly and want to admire it. Remember i could be wrong and dont make any rash diagnosis' but if he said he loved someone he is not a sociopath. I know sociopaths will fake emotions but i have never resorted to saying i ever loved someone to get what i want.
(Eric) To the lady that thinks her son is a socipath. First off you cannot be diagnosed a sociopath at 16 but he could be heading in that direction. Honestly he sounds extremely similar to me a couple years back, i am 18 now and have been diagnosed a sociopath. You have to remember that many teenagers act like this though also remember that you are not qualified to make this diagnosis and telling him he is a sociopath or a criminal will make him believe that he is and he will act accordingly. I will tell you a few signs that indicate he is becoming a sociopath but first know this, he may have post traumatic stress disorder or any other TREATABLE disorder that has led to sociopathic tendencies. Look at his childhood, was he happy, did he have good relationships etc Did any events in your sons life spark this behaviour? I began realizing that i was a sociopath when i looked back on my childhood. At the age of 6 i had already begun to manipulate people into doing what i want, hurting people for entertainment, phsyically harming my siblings and other kids etc Look back and see if he ever felt remorse for his actions or if he does now. When i entered high school i had began hurting my friends and using their trust against them, i tossed people aside with no care but was always able to make new friends easily, my close friends became enemies and i would encourage insecure people to end their life including my brother after a failed suicide attempt. If what i said seems similar to your son then there is a good chance he is becoming a sociopath if not already is one. If this does not sound at all familar then i would say he most likely isnt. You also have to look at your parenting... Did you allow him to fight other siblings? Did you allow your husband or any other father figure to abuse him? Did you provide a loving household? If your son is not a sociopath its most likely you have caused this behaviour. You seem like a concerned parent but what productive steps are you taking to help your son, ps trying to diagnose him as a sociopath to divert responsibility for his actions is not a concerned parent. But no mother would ever do that, would they? hmmm...
Evaluate yourself as a parent. Only when you understand how you raised your son, will you be able to understand how it affected him.
(Stacey to Eric):
Thank you for your response re: my ex. I think you may be correct. I've always suspected that he was abused badly, possibly sexually and that has contributed to his inability to have functional relationships. I think he does have severe trust issues that prevent him from getting close and staying in relationships for much more than a year or two. He was never concerned about me cheating, he could never really open up either, show emotions and power and control are very important to him. His ex and I are stronger personalities, independent and older than him. We weren't reliant on him for anything. The person he's with now is probably 19 or 20 and I think her age has everything to do with the fact that he can probably feel powerful with her, she's reliant on him and therfore he has a better chance of making sure she won't leave. He sees conflict as a power struggle and anything he perceives as taking power or control away from him means that he could be victimized. I'm actually relieved you don't feel he's a sociopath. He never has shown pleasure or rubbed anything in my face which is aparently what sociopaths enjoy.
Hi. I am new here hoping to share support with / from people with same unlucky fate as having sociopath / narcissist parents... as said in title, my Mom is a Sociopath and my Dad is Narcissist..
Since childhood, I have always hated my Mom... not knowing the reasons why... she was very verbally abusive, mentally abusive and emotionally abusive toward me... she made me feel like I wasn't worth even 10cents.. also, hyper critical about everything about me... (it is a blessing that I am not objectively ugly looking) worst thing about it is that she blamed ME for my rotten feelings for her and why I have them.. she never says sorry "ever" for anything, she despises my Dad.. me and our housekeepers.. she is pretentious to her brothers and sisters (always out to impress them) and fits the sociopath checklist to a T. My Dad is always fighting with her (verbal shout matches) but in the end seems to cling to her and defend her anyway.. (even when she viciously cuts into him until there's not much left to pick) they have been miserable since the day I could remember.. and blamed me for the reasons why they fight.. and makes me feel indebted to them for being the sole reason why they are still together..
The common denominator that they share is that they both Liars (yes even to me, Selfish and like to Blame - Me or Anyone else (other than them) if things along the daily-run-of-things turn sour.. from small things to big... also, very materialistic, they value material goods over their child.. but thank goodness that God sent me a good person whom I have married and turned my life UP from DOWN before... our combined experience as a couple in a "normal and healthy family setting" revealed to me how SICK my parents truly were.. but it is easier to see clearly "the truth" once I escaped my "abused family setting". It was only after a couple of years that I got out of their sticky "web".. through a series of proven hardships and pain which my loving family had to endure as a result of my PARENTS' "willful impositions" and "tyrannical influence" in our life..
Some examples of my sufferings within my childbirth experiences alone:
1st baby: my Mom had verbally fought with me during my 1st C-section Child Delivery in the hospital on my 2nd day of recovery while I was still bleeding in my bedpan. Her reason was because she wanted me to Switch to a Bigger Hospital Suite to Impress Her Guests who might come to see me at Cardinal Santos Hospital. She kept fighting with me amidst my bloody bed pan and tear-streaked-face while I was pleading for her to stop and consider my "health" first.
2nd baby: upon my request, my Mom stayed with me to help out during my post natal recovery period- since she convinced me that I am 100% inept and that I was not capable of caring for myself and my eldest child and my second born since it was repeat C-section. After 2 weeks of helping care for my baby (even with myself and our helpers helping care for my baby) she picked a fight with me and told me that I was just using her and that she was not getting paid a dime for her services and that her back was very painful as a result of this tending to my baby... (she is 54yrs old) and if that was not enough.. she left in a huff and unkown to me and my family, she had prepared/cooked up (rotten) meat stuff for ME to eat (14 days after my big incision on the abdomen- I had vomitted so much food that it filled up the entirety of our sink!) Concurrently, my unwitting husband and eldest child also consumed the same food and they all vomitted severely and had bad case of diarrhea for 6 days! And when I confronted my Mom about this Mad behavior, she told me that the 4rth commandment in the Bible says Honor your Mother!
3rd baby: my parents had viciously verbally fought with me- in front of my precious little kids- while I was 7mos. pregnant and had severe Pruritic Urticarial Papules and Plaques of Pregnancy on my whole belly and extremities.. the reason for the fight was that they painted the interior of the bathroom of the house I was living in without my permission and without my knowledge because they needed it to look like New.. and that I must not complaint because they were only doing me a favor by doing this!
I also discovered that all along, while I was being truthful and open and honest to my parents, they were both being secretive, had hidden agendas, were pretentious, manipulative, conniving and Lying to me all along.. because they needed to have their sick form of Control over me and my husband and my kids and my Life..
Yes, sounds wacky but TRUE.. I realized the best way to protect my family is to cut them off... and I have done that for almost a year now.. and sadly.. i can honestly say that this was the first time I have ever felt PEACE within myself..
Seems like the conversation has taken a turn. Just wanted to say thank you to Eric for your candor. You said you wouldn't help anyone but I guess you know now that you inadvertently did. Personally you helped me to realize that my son is not a sociopath. For others you confirmed that their loved ones or exes probably are. We know now what signs to watch for so that we hopefully don't fall victim to a sociopath. I know that you don't want or need my sympathy but I can't help but feel that somewhere in there is a little boy who would love to be loved. I get that I'm wrong but the mother in me just can't help but hope. I'm sorry for the unhappy childhood you had. I had an unhappy childhood too, being the daughter of an alcoholic, but I have sorted things out for the most part. I won't give up on my son, he is most likely depressed or possibly suffering from PTSD, so needs help. Until he is happy, I will no doubt be a little bit sad and alot worried, but that's life. Thank you Adam Khan for your advice. I plan to follow up on your suggestions. Peace to all.
I also am a sociopath. I am 26 years old. I became a Christian when I was 21 and everyone remarked on how much better I became, but I think that I knew how a "born-again" Christian should act and reflexively mimicked the "growth" to fool everyone. One of my favorite quotes is Waugh's "yes, but just think how much worse I would have been were I not a Roman Catholic!" I hope that I have authentic faith, but I am worried that without a conscience I am unable to feel any true remorse for all of the wicked things I have done.
Ok here is my question. I was unlucky enough to marry and have children with one of you lovely unloving people. I have won every round that mattered to me. How the hell do I get this asshole to go away. He has remarried. We barely ever speak. It is almost never nice. He always lies. I always catch him. He is of no use to the children. What could a loveless humanbeing teach them. HOW DO I GET HIM TO THINK LEAVING US ALONE FOREVER IS HIS IDEA?
(Eric) Maybe its less about fooling others into thinking your good but fooling yourself so you think you are going to heaven instead of hell? However i am not sure you are a sociopath. I was born and raised Roman Catholic but yet i do not think or care about the repercussions of my actions. It is hard to believe in a God when sociopaths are born doomed to the damned inevitable fate. Also those that believe in God may be more inclined to be attracted to Satan as he is himself a sociopath. Also if God is the all compassionate, caring creator why does he create sociopaths who are born with no conscious or feelings making it impossible for them to ever go to heaven...
(Eric) He will not leave you alone... Sociopaths never forget and forgive. The divorce and abandonment is a trigger that he will never ease up on. His goal is going to be to make your life miserable, turn your kids against you and put you into a deep depression where you live your life alone and scared to trust anyone, and in that way he controls you. Also it is more likely that he is more intelligent than you, also if he is a sociopath he is a master of manipulation and controlling your thoughts so controlling his is seemingly impossible. You will never be able to comprehend a sociopaths thoughts, let alone trick him into thinking leaving is his own idea. The best thing to do would be to completely break off all contact and move. You could ask a psychologist their opinion if you'd like. But, being a sociopath i know that he will not forget about it and move on, ever. P.S. You seem like a total bitch, perhaps you should evaluate yourself before judging others. Also, you know nothing about sociopaths, and who the fuck are you to judge them? You have your own faults and flaws. I suggest spending less time criticizing others and perhaps take a good look at yourself. You seem caught up in your hatred which is replacing the time you should be spending caring for your children.
Also remember that the negative attitude towards the most important male in your children's lives is going to have serious negative effects on them. An intelligent person would pursue a peaceful separation that doesn't leave your kids thinking all men are uncaring bastards.
I am a 20 year old, female college student who believes my father is a sociopath. He lies, manipulates, cons and feels no remorse for hurting and lying to his family. He is a successful business man only because he turns on his superficial charm to win people over. He leaves my family in tears for the things he has done but will never own up or realize that he has done anything wrong. I have caught him in lies and when confronted, he verbally abuses me and makes me feel guilty. I found enough evidence that he was cheating on my mother and when I confronted him in tears he denied it and acted like I was wrong for assuming so, even though I had enough evidence to prove him wrong. he does not love anyone but himself. He has ruined my childhood and I lose sleep because I am worried he will hurt my family.
20 year-old Anonymous: Do you know what to do? Have you read any books about it?
You must feel awful. What a brutal realization to have about your own father.
When you say you worry he'll hurt your family, who do you mean? Do you still have siblings living with him? And do you mean violently?
i am a 13 year old sociopath i have no doubts i get girls on my street to trust me and they all love me i am slowly destroying each ones life at will one girl told her mom so i tore into the mom till she decided to move the other girls know but are to into me to leave one cut my name into her arm when we were dating after she showed me i broke up with her just so she would have a scar to remind her of me a girl at my school has acne so i pointed it out to her and every other detail that she is self conscience about till she cried and left the school so i went to her school and did it again there so Eric am i a sociopath
(Eric) ahaha well you cant be diagnosed as a sociopath until your 18 but you definitely have sociopathic behaviour. You are not necessarily a sociopath, there are many factors that lead to that behaviour, the most common is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Look it up and see if it seems to apply to you. At your age its believed that you can be helped so ask yourself if you want to be helped. Also remember that sociopaths will never have a loving equal relationship and will live a life of people hating them and meaningless relationships. If this doesnt bother you or if it appeals to you then continue what your doing. Also it seems like you have a hatred for women, perhaps you just hate women, a misognynist. If you just want to be immune to getting hurt so you resort to being a sociopath you will end up being very depressed. Normal people cannot ruin lives without remorse. Also how is your relationship with your mother, your father? Do you love them or do you use them? If after you considered all this and still believe you are a sociopath and want to pursue being a sociopath then it is quite possible that you are a sociopath. All in all if you enjoy hurting people and feel no remorse for it, then why stop? We are who we are...
I don't know if my daughter is a sociopath or not, but from the age of about 10 she has lied to her friends and their parents saying things like we don't feed her and we are mean to her. Her father and i have been separated since she was 7 and until i had other children with my now husband everything was fine. She would play her father and i against one another, but i felt that was normal behavior. when she hit puberty at 12 things had progressively gotten worse, you couldn't believe a word she said, her grades dropped to failing everything, she only cared about her friends, they were everything to her, yet she never seemed to hang on to them either because she would play them against one another also. then boys came into the picture and she fell desparetely in love with every boy she dated. she would lie about anything and everything to be with them. became very permiscuouse at an early age. when she was 15 she was sneaking around with an 18 year old, lied to us about his age, about his past, did drugs with him, had sex with him and utimately lied to us about having sex with him and pointing the finger at a long-time friend of hers saying he raped her to keep the 18 year old out of trouble. she feels absolutely no remorse for what she put this boy and his family thru by saying he raped her. in one of her journals she somewhat admitted to the lie, saying she was trying to keep her boyfriend out of trouble, but never saying she felt bad about it. she has tried to break my marriage up, has physically hurt her sisters and then blamed them saying they attacked her first, mind you she is 17 and her siblings are 6 and 8. she has physically attacked my husband and told her school that he attacked her, causing an investigation from child protective services for which they deemed "unfounded". fortunately her sisters witnessed the whole incident and told the case worker that they were terrified of their older sister. after the case worker left my daughter looked at me and laughed at me. when i asked her why she did it she said she did it so they would make us go to counseling and we would learn how mean we were to her. mind you she has been in counseling on and off since she was 12, and we even did family couseling... she even saw a sexual abuse counselor after her supposed rape, for which that counselor told me she needed to seek other counseling services other than rape counseling and shortly afterward transferred her case to another counselor. she tries to manipulate every person in her life and when that doesn't work, she gets violent. she shows no remorse for hurting people, but always plays the victim. she never, ever admits even the tiniest mistake... not even when she is caught in the act of doing something wrong. it is Always someone else's fault. After contacting her biological father, after no contact from him in 5 years, she convinced him to let her live with him and that is where she is now. we have given her everything we possibly could, expressed our love for her til we were blue in the face, yet whomever she could get to listen to her, she would say that we were constantly mean to her, didn't provide for her, were unfair to her, and that we hated her... it hurts so much to think that she feels this way towards us, it's confusing, and i can't understand it, no matter how i try. when i found out from our neighbors that she had made this plan to move to her dad's and again heard how she talked about us to them.... i told her to go ahead and go.... but if she left, she would never be welcome here again. there is way more i could go on to say, things that she was doing behind our backs and so forth... but it doesn't change anything and it only hurts to talk about. i must say that things have been much calmer and less stressful now that she is there... but the hurt just doesn't go away. i love her so much, but yet i can't stand the way that she is... this turmoil just eats away at me... i can't sleep at night, i can't stop thinking of her... she has ripped my heart out, and is gloating about it. it causes so many emototions inside of me... hurt, anger, guilt, confusion... it's just unbearable!!!! i pray everyday that God will heal her, whatever her problem is, i've tried everything in my power to help her, but yet nothing has helped... only God can help her now and all i can do is pray for her. no matter what, though, i will always love her... i just can't let her hurt me or my family any more.
My ex is a sociopath! I have just had a revelation which has now explained everything that is going on with him in my life and my childrens. I divorced him three years ago. He basically treated me like a slave and made me feel guilty for not doing enough when in fact i did so much. I raised my three boys basically by myself while running his businesses. He never appreciated anything and made me feel guilty for not doing more. He constantly took....eventually sucking the life out of me. It was him or me and i chose me and my children. It was very hard but i made it through the divorce. He now has no power over me but he is constantly playing games with my children He wouldnt let my son come home this weekend even though he told my son he would drop him off after he took him to dinner. My son called crying and my ex wouldnt let me pick him up We are going to court once again on Friday and since he hasnt exercised his overnights properly he is afraid the judge will grant me more money, which is the result of him torturing my kids. Basically to hurt me. My oldest will not go with him and now my middle guy who is 14 is starting to see my ex for who he really is. He is mean, hurtful, does what he wants when he wants and does not have one bit of remorse, It is a daily battle for me to deal with him. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to get him to stop messing with the kids, It is a constant game for him! Please help us
Eric, a question, I think my significant other is a sociopath. When I met him I was a highly confident woman, successful, happy, at ease in my life. Now I am miserable. He is extremely charming, bright, sophisticated, super intelligent and I was attracted to that. My relationship with this man is a little out of the ordinary to begin with, as I am a submissive to his Dominant. I am hoping to give you a few examples of his behavior, and maybe you can tell me if you think these traits are similiar to those with sociopathic tendencies. Things I say are twisted around to basically make it easier for him to humiliate me, to the point where I am afraid to speak now. Please understand that some of this is the norm for these kinds of relationships, however, lying is not. I know he has lied to me about his grandeous past. I will not give details of this but some of the things he has said are ridiculously blatent. I have caught him in lies in which he turns it back around on me. Saying I do not blindly trust him, blindy love him, etc etc....He is never at fault for anything. He never apologizes for anything. He has put me in a position to be the "bad guy" when he doesn't want to deal with getting his hands dirty. He uses me for his own personal gain, in which a submissive does to show her Dom she is serving him. However, there is very little return as there would be in most EOP (exchange of power) He will tell me he loves me, however has made it abudently clear that he does not love in the same way as others. He could be lying totally about this. When someone "crosses" him, he not only cuts them out of his life, he has to get even with them, until he "conquers" them, particularly women. The only real emotion I feel from him is anger. In which he tries to manipulate me with. He is very quick to jump to anger, while a Dom should always be in control of their emotions...he is not. He changes his mind frequently about things, gets very bored easily. He likes to push people, but will never admit to doing it, to see how far they will go. Sort of like a male dog marking his territory, he likes to push other men as he must be the only cock in the hen house, so to speak. Then will turn it around on them as their fault for his pushing. To the point, where they are apologizing to him for him pushing them...I think he gets some sort of sick joy out of it. He is not very well liked and many in our community are afraid of him. He has gotten emotional, but it could all be an act. False remorse. I think he is either sociopathic or schizophrenic, as I feel this might be because he has different personalities. I am leaving the relationship if I can identify that he is a sociopath. As I stated before, submissives are submissive, they are not weak.
(Eric) Okay my inital impression is that he has very similar traits as me, the dominance, charm, ability to make strong intelligent women become submissive etc. However i question whether he is a sociopath because you said he is emotional. Although it is possible it is an act, i never let myself become emotional. I would be utterly ashamed of myself and instead would choose to sweet talk you into forgiving me or manipulating you. You see, a main problem with sociopaths is that they have to always display dominance, so if he becomes emotional he loses the dominance. You may want to ask yourself such questions as do you find yourself wondering if he really cares about you? Are you usually worried about him? Do you find yourself apologizing for things that were clearly his fault? One way to see if he cares about you is to play hard to get, i am aware you are already going out but you can try not immediately going to his house when he calls you over, or "forgetting" to call him back etc. Normal guys will most likely become worried about the relationship and immediately trying to figure out whats going on. If he doesnt seem to care or even notice its possible he doesnt care for you the same way you care for him. Also it is possible he may become angry and aggressive. Also if you find that you are unhappy most of the time it shouldn't matter if he is a sociopath or not. You sound like an intelligent woman im sure you could find someone to make you happy. I would focus less about what type of disorder he has and be honest with yourself, do you enjoy being with him? Do his good qualities and actions outweigh is negatives? Oh and another thing about he doesn't have alot of friends and people are scared of him. I know for me i have many friends i just have very few close friends. I also dont care if neighbours are scared of me but it is important that my friends see me as a masculine, dominant figure. Anyway, give it some thought if you have more questions i suppose ill try and answer.
Thank you for answering so quickly. Its curious that, he has a lot of people that "admire" him, but are afraid of him. A Dom would not sweet talk, a sub is expected to deal with it. Emotional may not be the correct word, I think he pretends to be emotional to show others that he is a "human". However, can you really tell if he is a great actor and a true sociopath? The only true emotion I feel from him is anger. The rest I feel are false. A D/s relationship is based around control, it is difficult for me to see if this man has gone beyond this and is a sociopath. You are right, I wouldn't give up on this person based on this alone. If he is a sociopath, I will leave. It is not curable, from what I have read, sociopaths do not believe they are sociopaths, nor are they confined to any "emotions" as a normal person would be, so what reason do they have to become healthy? They don't have any. Thanks again for your help. I am curious though, why you do help? What, may I ask, are you getting out of helping us?
I have been involved with a man for almost 3 years and have finally started to see the real person he is, he came over this weekend and had the nerve to tell me that I was a codependent and so I some research on it and then sociopath came into sight. I have to say he is a sociopath to a T! Thank you for putting this kind of information on the internet you just made my whole day! I have totally cut him off and I already feel 10lbs lighter! Thanks again!
(Eric) Its interesting that you said he is pretending to be human because it actually makes sense with what I do. Although he may not care about anyone he needs people in his everyday life to make feel inferior to him. I am very good at identifying when people are acting, i think that sociopaths have some type of innate gift in that area as well as being terrific actors themselves. It would be very hard to tell if he is acting because if he is a sociopath he will be very good at manipulating the situation in his favour whenever someone questions it. Obviously its hard to say with certainty if hes a sociopath because I do no know him but im not sure if you just havent told me, but it doesnt seem like he has done anything horribly wrong. Sociopaths will have a long track record of ruining people's lives and it is usually quite evident in their relationship with their immediate family. I wouldn't give up on him because there could be several causes for his behaviour that are treatable, but you are right sociopaths are uncurable. I choose to help people for a couple reasons 1) it makes me feel like I am a normal person that is capable of normal human emotions and 2) this one has more to do with actually helping someone in person, and its that i can immediately create a trust factor which i can choose to use in my favour by basically controlling their behaviour and actions and in this way I can decide what type of action they will take by using their trust against them and using subtle suggestions to make them think its their idea. Currently I have about 6-7 people who have spilled their guts to me and are basically allowing me to make their life decisions for them. I make them think that I am the only one who understands and makes their boyfriend look inferior when in comparison to me, in this way I can feed off their vulnerability, make them end a relationship or just mess with their thoughts. To the guys I just feed off their apparent weaknesses which makes me feel significantly superior to them. Also the thing you said about sociopaths not believing they are sociopaths is a gray area for me. I have been diagnosed as a sociopath however it is nearly impossible to know whether I actually care about people or am just using them for my own personal benefit. I also believe that EVERY human is capable of taking on the sociopathic behaviour however those that are just attracted to its immunity are not actually empathy free which usually leaves them with a depression. So to answer your question i am getting control of people i help. If i wanted to i could have made a quite convincing side that he was a sociopath and made you fear what he is capable of and told you to leave him, i could have told you he was lacking a significant sociopathic symptom and that without a doubt he was not a sociopath. However because i do not know you and cannot see the response from what I tell you, i have no reason to try and dictate your actions because i simply do not care about the end result. If you continue to tell me more information about him i will continue to analyze him but at this point i can't say without a resonable doubt that he is or isn't a sociopath.
Anonymous said, "Thank you for putting this kind of information on the internet you just made my whole day! I have totally cut him off and I already feel 10lbs lighter! Thanks again!"
You're welcome. The fact that you feel lighter is a very good sign you've done the right thing.
Thank you for your candor. I think I have my answer. It was not based soley on what you have said. You are right, I do believe that every single person is capable of sociopathic behavior at some point or another in their lives. I think it might be a refreshing change to not have emotion, however, how empty you must feel. Then again, do you feel anything at all?
(Eric) Not really, im currently in some type of empathy building program but I dont think I will ever change, I also do not wish to change. As for feeling empty that would mean at one point I felt comfort and love, I am unable to feel this so I cannot tell the difference, in your standards i would feel empty but I cannot compare it to anything else as I have always been like this. A lot of people "love" me though if thats how you determine if you feel empty.
So you feel nothing? How do you feel about your own death? Do you ever feel anger? What exactly do you feel?
(Eric) I dont feel remorse for my actions or think that they are wrong, I understand that they are against the norm and that others will look down upon my actions but to me they are all justified. I do not care about other people or what their problems are but I use their insecurities and vulnerability to my advantage. I am not scared of death, I do not preach the existence of God but I also do not deny it, either way it seems that there is no greater power affecting me. I do not side with Satan or God but if they exist I am curious as to what they offer in the afterlife or in this life. It is hard to believe in God when he has created sociopaths who are doomed to the inevitability of hell. I always feel anger, however I have control of my behaviour. Most of the time I feel nothing, I see pain and misery and I simply do not care, I see happiness and "love" but I am not jealous. I am basically immune to being affected by others. I feel that I am constantly on the edge of my sanity but at the same time I feel that i understand the world better than others. Those that feel pain will hide from the truths of the world because the truth hurts, but i embrace every piece of information I can. I feel that I was meant to be great but not necessarily in a good way. I feel that I am constantly being pulled by both good and evil. It is as though I am being called by both God and Satan and am battling between which to choose. I feel nothing towards others and because of this I have caused unimaginable amounts of suffering to others but at the same time I am the saviour to many people's problems. I do not choose to give advice so that I feel good, I choose it to sometimes control their lives and other times to feel as though I am normal. I feel that one day I will become pure evil unless I am somehow stopped. I feel that i have a gift but somehow I received it by mistake and in this way I use it to my advantage instead of what its actual purpose was for. I am able to bring anyone peace and joy but I choose to instead bring suffering and misery. Because I live on only extremities people view me as either some type of descendant of Satan or as a Saint there is no in between.
I am curious about this now...Why do you want to feel normal? What are you reasons for doing so, if not emotionally driven? You must experience physical pain, does that not make you afraid that the things you do will cause physical pain of some sort, inflicted by the people you hurt? You must have some sort of self preservation?
My brother is absolutely a sociopath/ psychopath. I am concerned about his health but cannot get him to see a therapist. I am concerned about my health/life because his anger is so outrageous that his voice comes from somewhere way down deep in his body. I am quickly learning that he cannot be helped. He hates me has threatened me to a point where I now need to keep as far from him as possible. How far back does this stem - a physically and verbally abusive father. If you have any thoughts of help please I am open to listening, othewise I need to let him drown.
I'm afraid you're going to have to save yourself and let your brother drown. Lots of scientists have been working on ways to help sociopaths, and so far there is no cure. Therapy only makes them worse.
The evidence doesn't show that an abusive father can cause sociopathy. Sociopathy seems to be inborn.
I wish I could offer some hope about your brother, but I have nothing to offer for him. You, on the other hand, can go on with your life and even find some happiness in your life. Your first step is to disconnect from your brother, which you seem to have already come to grips with.
I wish you all the best.
Thanks you for writing this article. It has been very insightful.
I am currently going through a court case with my ex partner over access to our 3 year old son. I believe my ex is a sociopath and that any contact would be harmful to my son both short and long term. I have been asked by my solicitor to help find a madical expert (in sociopathy and based in the UK)who could assess my ex. Can anyone help with some suggested names please?
Thank you for posting this, it has helped me confirmed, although i have had many confirmations, i just dont want to believe there is no way to fix this in someone. I dont know how to let go of someone i love who has this problem. i want so badly to fix him, make him see, teach him... but it seems the more i try and give in to chances the more it abuses me... i am drained and feel like i have been destroyed.
I feel guilty for giving up on him, failing him, abondoning him. i hurt because i believed i could help him and he would change...
my mind says to run, but my heart doesnt know how to leave, i wish i didnt have to, i wish there was another way.
Loyalty is a beautiful thing. But it is exploited by sociopaths.
Your loyalty will be a wonderful quality that a normal person with strong feelings of reciprocity will fully appreciate. Find one and love him.
(Eric) I sometimes want to feel normal because it bothers me that I am able to read people very easily and its made me have a very negative view of humanity. Also, normal people with empathy seem to be able to live easy going happy lives whereas I cannot, however if given a choice I would always choose to remain the way I am. It is not so much emotionally driven as realizing that others seem to be able to live calm lives and although I have not experienced it, I imagine that normal people would always choose their lifestyle benefits over mine, making me curious as to what it would be like to be them. Not really, I am not nervous of being physically injured because I know that no matter how far the other person takes it, I would take it farther, its like a game and I will not let myself lose. At a young age I discovered that being punched or tackled created an immediate adrenaline rush that seemed outweigh the negatives of being hit. Yes, it may sound unusual because I am telling you about myself right now, but but in the real world I only let people see or know the things I want them to know about me. I am in complete control of my actions at all times and can remain in any character according to each scenario. I also dont seem to experience or "feel" the same sense of fear as others do. I dont fear anyone because I believe in the end I will always have the last laugh. Fear does not play a prevalent role in my life however i constantly inflict fear upon others that enables me to control their actions through behaviour analysis and manipulation.
I have a sister who I think is a sociopath. She doesn't seem to have any feelings of remorse, uses people for her own gain, has to win at everything, and doesn't care or have any guilt if she hurts someone.
My husband and I have come to the conclusion that we must stay away from her, for we're tired of being used and put down.
Wonderful article that you wrote and knowing more about the sociopath will help many....
Eric have you ever come across somebody that can see through you at all.......Is it possible for somebody who is an empath (Persons who can feel what another person is feeling and can see the energy coming from that person)or do you not have any insecurities or egos..... i think i work with a sociopath and seems to be always playing mind game, and is very manipulative. He doesnt show signs or remorse or guilt and does love the revenge of people in an indirect way..... seems to be always calcualting his next move ( which could be next week or months). I seem to anger the person a lot as he doesnt seem to break me in a way that he would like or get his own way and can see him thinking of more ideas around me, and show a slight discomfort... is this all an act???? and why does he not just tell me to go away.....
I am the mother of a 33 yr old woman who I now believe to be a sociopath. I only recently read an article that made me further research this problem and can answer yes to every diagnostic question and feel confident that my daughter has this disorder.
My daughter 'sold' her two children to benefit herself in various ways mostly for drugs or a lease on a flat for 6 months - just things like that - and to watch her live her life very nearly destroyed my own. Now I have to watch two grandchildren grow up in the most undesirable circumstances and I cannot describe the pain. My daughter broke my heart literally now watching what is happening to my grandchildren feels as though I look into a bottomless well of sadness. She currently has a explosive destructive relationship with a man who has the same problems. There are numerous police warrants and court cases awaiting my daughter and of course all this is 'my fault' in some way, and I am told this with subliminal messages regularly that it is all because of me.
Funnily enough all my other children thank God lead good and productive lives and each has had to come to terms with their sisters ways and have done so without cutting her out completely, and nor have I however I will not be manipulated any more and when she tells me of her woes I simply listen and move on.
I can readily say the only way to manage an adult sociopathic relationship is to distance yourself from it asap. This might seem strange but I have discovered painfully and with much loss that unfortunately there is no 'getting through to' or 'healing' of a true sociopath.
If I had my time over again, I would ensure I took much tougher steps to control and manage the teenage years for my daughter as I treated her the same as my other children and this is a mistake. I discovered because of the lack of conscience, ability to lie and manipulate at all costs to 'win' you cannot treat these kids the same - it just does not work.
I sympathise with everyone who has loved or parented a sociopath, it is soul destroying and thats why I advise distancing yourself for no matter how hard you try or how much you give it will never ever be enough.
Having said this I will love my daughter with my whole heart till the day I pass from this earth, and pray that she finds peace one day.
(Eric) I have come across one person that could immediately see me for what I am, however this person was not an "empath" he was also was a sociopath. I cannot speak for every sociopath as there are varying degrees but I know I do not have noticeable insecurities. I am content with who I am and if given the chance to be anyone in the world I would choose to be me. I am very comfortable with myself so it is very hard for anyone to actually phase me or piss me off. My general view of mankind is that they are weak, sensitive and easily manipulated. As for your coworker he may be intimidated by you, feeling that you are more intelligent and emotionally stable than he is. If he is a sociopath he will not give up on trying to break you down, each time he fails it will greatly bother him, however he will do a good job at hiding it. Also, if he is a sociopath everything is like a game to him, and he doesn't want to lose so he will continue to try and dominate or gain control of your emotions until he wins. However, I would be careful as to not piss him off because if he is a sociopath he would love to win, and he would do anything to see that you are clearly seen as inferior.
Thanks Eric I so hear you, as that explains it all...... he is now on a mission of pretending he is going to die, pretending to be in hospital and all the rest of it that goes with it....... trying to play on my sensitive side so that he can manipulate me into giving in to something i do not want to do....... I know now it wont stop at that as i will not give way..... can you give me a suggestion as what to do, i love the job, but now think i should slowly ease myself out of it..... can you help me with any suggestions in dealing with this as do not want anything really bad to happen (as in violence, is it likely??) and yes you are so right, he tells me he is scared of me, thank you for you last comments!
Eric, please listen to my experience and give me an advice.I met that sociopath guy over the internet 6 years ago. I had been going through very dark time after finding out about my husband's series of affairs and dealing with the divorce process. I developed insomnia, since I did not want to upset my loved ones with my constant pain I chose to get online and talk to the strangers instead. I was a regional manager for a monster multinational at that time and travelling all around the world. From the first second I met my sociopath guy online he managed to get me. We talked for hours, me in Europe, him in the US. He was the only person could trully understand what my job was about. He seemed very intelligent, sharp and sensitive. I cut the conversation only to go to the airport to catch my flight and it was already morning. He gave me his name and address and asked me to send him a postcard from wherever I went. I did it and it was a lot fun. I sent him postcards from Vietnam, China, Bulgaria,Albania and many more places.He started calling me every day, giving me a wake up call every morning. It didn't matter where I was; he calculated the time difference and gave me a ring. He even talked to my friends on the phone, asked them to take care of me, shared my life day by day, moments by moments. It did not feel like he was controlling me at the time being but caring for me. I was already asking his opinions about my daily life issues before meeting him in person. I finally let him come visit me where I lived and introduced him to my family and close friends. Everyone loved him except my mother. She did not trust him for a second. She kept saying that he did not have a light in his eyes and nothing was geniune about him. I thought she was just being over protecting about me after what I got through with my first husband. He kept coming and visiting me regularly. He was too good to be true. I went to meet his family and friends. I did not feel the warmth between him and his family and friends but considered it as a cultural difference. He proposed but I was not sure after coming out such a long marriage ended with a heart break. My weakness was clear though, very clear to him. I wanted to be a mother and my ex did not want to have any kids. He was talking about marrying and having the most beautiful kids together, me as a mediterrenean woman and him as a black american man. He even cried and begged me to stop taking my pills and for my trust. I finally gave in. I left my job, family, friends, country; I left my life and moved to the US with my life time saving. I even shipped my furniture by a vessel since his home was bare. He said that he cleared all his furniture because he wanted me to decorate his home with my sophisticated taste! I married him and got pregnant. He stayed home all the time claiming he worked from home and wanted to be with me. When we met he was working three jobs and always on the run; then suddenly he was working from home! I begun sensing something was wrong but could not name it. I left him and came to visit my family when I was 2 months pregnant. I wanted to clear my mind but he called me every hour, tried to convince me about how much he loved me, missed me etc... I knew something was deeply wrong with him although I could still not name it. My sister talked to me about aborting the baby and going on with my life but I could not do it. I loved my baby and could do anything to protect her. Head hunters kept calling me and offering me good jobs. All I did was having long walks at the sea side and trying to clear my mind but he was like with me; always on the phone, sweet talking, sending flowers, baloons. I decided to give another go for the sake of our baby and for us and returned after a month. Things were good for a while and I was happy. When I was seven month pregnant a woman came to see me. She was his ex wife! I never knew he was married before. She was quite hostile when I opened the door first but after I invited her in and made coffee we started talking. It turned out he was married all the time when he was visiting me and cheating on her with me.As soon as he divorced her he got married with me! It was like a bad joke! While I was suffering from my first husband's infidelities I became a mistress to some guy! She ended up feeling sorry for me more than herself and gave me her cell number, email address in case of any danger from him. Then things went very wrong...I could not leave him immediately because of my heavy pregnancy. He cried, begged my forgiveness but something broken in me. Then there was someone on the door almost every day asking the money back he borrowed from them. Somehow he was never at home when such people came to ask their money back. I used my money for literally everything from grocery shopping to baby furniture, from hospital back payments to dinners. I was doing my best to stay calm and positive for the sake of my unborn baby and he was always finding some excuses to convince me for the misery I was in. The day I started laboring he left me all alone at home and did not return for ten hours, yes ten hours. He even did not bother to answer his cell phone. By the time he finally took me to the hospital the baby was ready to come. I could not find out where he was for all those hours. He never ever did one single thing for the baby. He spent his life at gym and God knows doing what else. My life time saving account came to zero and I was using my credit cards to survive. Then I found out he stole them and used them at the ATM machines to get the cash until they hit their limits.I can still picture myself breast feeding my baby and looking at the walls for hours and trying so hard to understand how come I became this miserable, helpless, lonely woman.After I became strong enough I took my daughter and left him for good and returned my country. I started from zero with a baby and after a year I was living in my apartment, had a car and a decent job again. He did nothing to support us for more than year but kept calling, emailing and came for our daughter's second birthday. None of my friends or family members talked to him. After the party he talked to me for hours and begged for another chance to prove himself as a good husband and father and guess what; I accepted. He moved from the US and started living with us. He always came up with some excuses not to accept a job and when he got one he lost it. When he lost one more job at a very good company I gave a call to his manager and asked him the reason. He was trying to be nice to me and picking his words carefully but I managed to get the full story. He was fired because of his unrealiable attitude and the bathroom misuse! He adopted his old routine with no time waste. He was spending his life at gym, enjoying his life and I was working hard to make a decent living and a live-in nanny was taking care of my daughter. I was so stressed, angry, almost depressed and he was his usual self, charming, sweet, fit, meeting new people every day. Finally my family stepped in and gave him two options: go back to US or get a job! He got a job in some town 2 hours away from ours and started living at a nice apartment his company provided. He became a weekend dad and I kept turning down his idea of me leaving my job and moving there. It was only two months since he moved there and he got himself a girl friend over there. I heard that when her parents found my number and called me. Guess what? He did not tell the girl about his marriage and child; surprise surprise! I immediately shipped all his belongings to his address and filed for a divorce. It took a year to find a common ground for our lawyers. He tried everything from black mailing me to lying all kinds of lies in order to finalize the divorce without paying a cent. He used my postcards he asked me to send as an evidence for his case to prove how obsessed pepsonality I had.He even called my daughter as "unwanted, unplanned trap baby"! The new girl's parents were upset like hell and tried to talk to their daughter about how fake guy he was but no luck. I stood strong and divorced him.I managed to get full custody for my daughter and a child support! After three months of our divorce he got married with his new victim. I heard from her parents she already sold her apartment, car and the store she owned. I wasted six years with this guy just because I wanted to give my daughter a life with her both parents.It took me six years to acknowledge his mental status but I'm very much aware of that it takes two to tango! I attracted him with my weakness which was an unfilled desire of mine of having a baby! Now I'm very confused about one thing: What is the best for my daughter? Seeing him every other weekend and spending time with him regularly or cutting him out from her life? How does his mental status effect her? Is it possible for her to adopt his sick behaviour? I make sure she grows up with a high self esteem in a very safe environment surrended with friends and family but still...
My niece is a sociopath. She has a young child. I am very worried about the child. She hazes him and harrasses him, and calls that "discipline." She is so irresponsible, she lost her paid-for home and is on welfare. The social workers took the child from her when she staged a dramatic seizure and could not get her child from day care. He was subsequently placed with me where he became hale and hearty--he just blossomed. He is now age three, and has been given back to her. She is extremely unstable, and I am afraid she will hurt him. What to do?
I also have a niece who is a sociopath. She has three children by three different men and her whole life has been about "her". She has put my brother through "hell" and all she wants is to have him out of the way so she can be with just her mother, who is easily manipulated. The only scary thing is that one of her children, the oldest is now exhibiting signs of sociopathic behaviors. He has "begun" his transformation before my eyes. Mind you this is the child she "did not want" but used as a "meal ticket" as all others are used. She will not hurt him if he serves a purpose, which he will, putting you through hell. It will become a source of pleasure to see you broken when she does things like harasses him in front of you. I know how you feel, it hurts and you wish you could do something but nothing happens.
Eric, Is there any type of woman who could fill your every need? A woman so satisfying that you would want to keep her, and avoid pissing her off? What would this woman have to be like? I realize you are only 18, but your writing has shown intelligence & perception far beyond your years. Do you want a mouse who would obey you or would it be confidence/poise/self-sufficiency?
(Eric) That is a question I have often asked myself and I've come to the conclusion that even if I fall in love or find a soul mate(which I do not believe in) it is impossible for there to be a balance in the relationship. At no point during a relationship can I feel inferior to the other person; I must always be seen as superior not only to them but I must also view myself as having the complete upper hand. When a challenge is made for the upper hand/control of the relationship I cannot back down and I cannot allow myself to show any weakness. To me relationships are a game and its a game I do not lose. This need to always be superior mixed with my understanding of human emotions and actions leads to relationships where the girl believes she is in love with me which allows me to have complete control over her emotions and also the relationship. I want an equal, balanced relationship because I have concluded that the people in these relationships are more happy however balanced relationships are not possible for me, so perhaps that happiness is unattainable or perhaps I get that same happiness from superiority in a relationship, it is unfortunately impossible to know as I cannot enter someone else's mind and view their happiness just as you cannot enter mine. I like how you said would (it) be confidence etc, because that is exactly how i view people, as tools not equals. I want a girl that is very good looking, intelligent and never tries to lay down obligations on me. The girls I tend to date are very independent however I enjoy playing with their thoughts and emotions until they are completely dependent on me. So, to answer your question, I do want a confident, poise and self sufficient girl however I soon turn them into that of a mouse.
Eric, Thanks for answering my question. Your answer is fascinating. Here's another couple of questions. I've read that socios are not attracted to women, only to sex itself. True? And why does it seem they look down on women, as evidenced in your own answer to the man who was devastated by his wife? It is also said that socios become sexually deviant more & more as they age -- Do you think that's forthcoming for you?
To Adam Kahn - It seems to me that sociopaths are like six-year-olds. Any validity? A normal six-year-old child believes he is the center of the universe, that the world & everyone in it exists for his own benefit in some way or another. A six-year-old wants his own way and pouts when he doesn't get it. At seven, brain development occurs which allows him to begin to see things from an adult perspective. I've heard it sasid that seven is the age of reason. Is it possible that the sociopathic brain didn't cross this milestone of development?
That's an interesting idea. I would say that it fits many of the criteria except that even six year-olds have a sympathetic emotional response to someone else's pain. They have empathy. And that's something a sociopath can fake but doesn't feel.
When a child is abused as my niece was, she fails to develop into an adult. My niece refuses to work at all, but wants, and expects, luxury--the top of the line in everything. After a psychiatric evaluation, we were told she was "arrested" at age ten, but she does not seem that mature. She treats her toddler like a doll or inanimate object. She confines him, and forbids him any activities.
Adam: EVERY single person I have known who was a sociopath was ABUSED as a child: often sexual abuse, and some physical beatings. It does not seem to matter what kind of abuse--the psychological effects stem from the broken trust in adults.
I've known two sociopaths, neither of whom were abused as children. The female socio I know treats her 8-yo child like he's a puppy. I do think all sociopaths behave like spoiled children, even though that's not what they are.
The pouting & sulking, the tantrums, the self-centered callousness, on & on. They aren't even satisfied getting their own way because they always want more ... more ... more. They may be placated for the moment, but it's never enough and never good enough. BTW, the female of this subspecies seems deadlier than the male.
To Adam Kahn - Tx for answering my post. I see it has sparked some interest. I'm wondering now about music. The socio I know only likes hard rock because of the beat. Music often reaches people on an emotional level, making you laugh or cry or being so beautiful it appeals straight to your soul. Can a sociopath appreciate the emotion in music or are they condemned to only appreciate a good beat?
About the music: I don't know if they enjoy music or not. I would think the answer is yes. They are not emotionless people. They simply don't have empathy for others. I remember reading that they experience fear, for example, but they don't necessarily find it an unpleasant experience.
Maybe Eric can tell us more.
About childhood experiences: The reason I say upbringing is unrelated to the development of sociopathy is that research has been done to answer that question, and found it was unrelated, although, of course, statistically, many of them are bound to be raised in abusive families. But that doesn't MAKE them sociopathic. And conversely, a good upbringing cannot PREVENT them from becoming sociopaths.
You would be surprised at what a sociopath considers to be abusive to themself, and most of them claim abuse to cover the fact that they are, in reality, the abuser. ESPECIALLY CONCERNING THEIR CHILDHOOD. ESPECIALLY CONCERNING THEIR PARENTS. They have a way of turning the situation around in their own minds!
I realize now that I am 24 yrs. old that my dad is a sociopath. after reading about it today, my dad fits the description to a t. he is 56. and he has not mellowed down yet. my mom left him 6 months ago and he had a mental breakdown. i mean he is unstoppable right now. my brother keeps me updated on things he does. because i cut him out of my life for good. after i ended up in the hospital for five days for having really high blood pressure, i am on dyalisis and when i get the least bit upset my blood pressure goes through the roof. and that's what happened he made me really upset and worried, after my mom left six months ago, telling me lies about my brother and crying while he was telling me to get the truth from me about where my mom is. i didn't always talk to my brother back then because he lived in another city from me and didn't have a cell phone or anything so i believed all the horrible things that my dad said about my brother. so that's why i ended up in the hospital, i was so upset,worried and anxious to see my brother and i couldn't because i didn't have a number for him and didn't know where he lived. now i know his phone number and everything so we talk more often and he moved closer.
but anyways. my dad is a charmer and an actor. he can cry to anyone on cue. and he lies about every goddam thing you can think of. even about the smallest, dumbest shit. he will say anything to make himself look good.he doesn't have any friends, only a few and only because he needs them because he is homeless right now, he's just living with his brother, using him. he can turn everyone around him against each other. i mean i say that because when my mom left he lost our apartment that we all lived in so i found a place with me and my boyfriend. but he didn't want to look for a place to live so i was talking to my two older sisters about getting him help because we all thought he was a schizophrenic. i wanted him to get admitted to a hospital so they can help him. but we were doing this behind his back because we knew he wouldn't want to do it. so when he found out, when a counselor escorted by a cop went looking for him at his brother's house, he turned everyone against me. my sisters, the counselors at the nord center, other family members, even people i didn't even know. telling everyone that I was the crazy one and that he doesn't need any help. i haven't talked to my sisters since. because they believe everything he says. i am wrong and he's right.
so ever since then, that was 6 months ago, he's still gossiping about me. since i am sick he uses me to get everyone, even people he just met to feel sorry for him. so he could use them. he gets money from people, he borrows their cars until he runs them into the ground. i mean he is unstoppable right now. he wants to talk to me and i know that the only reason why is because he wants to find out where my mom is, who btw moved out of town. to escape from him. of course i was really hurt at my decision to cut him out of my life because he is my father. but after a while i think back at all the shit he put me through over the years, and i don't miss that shit not one bit.
i just wish my mom had left him when it really mattered when i was about 13 or 14. that's when the abuse started. i would've loved to grow up without him but my mom wasn't strong enough. she still isn't, she thinks that she is worthless and that nobody needs her. when i need her close to me because i am sick but i can't change her mind my dad did so much damage to her it's not even funny. they were together for more than 27 yrs. i'm just saying to anyone who is reading this and thinks that someone they know might be a sociopath whether it's a family member or a friend or boy or girlfriend just cast them out, rip them out of your life for good. there is no help for them, they won't take it. there is absolutely no help for them, and even if there were they'd refuse to get it. my dad has done so much damage to our whole family, there is noway i would ever talk to him again in my life. i'm just saying they will use you as long as u let them use you, they won't stop because they don't care about anything but what's convenient for them. my dad won't do anyone any favors unless he can get something out of it. plz comment. i'd realy like to hear eric's opinion...thanx
Erica, So much I want to say to you. For your own health, you must distance yourself emotionally. Your mother will need time to recover (and to discover she's more than a dishrag). You'll be in my prayers tonight, and please visit a comforting web site like unityonline.org, just to bring down your BP when necessary. The more emotional you are, the more vulnerable you seem, the more vicious a sociopath becomes, like a shark that smells blood. Your siblings/relatives will someday see the truth. A volatile situation becomes very confused when someone is lying, but the truth has a way of showing itself eventually.
(Eric) Hey Erica, first off you need to distance yourself from the stress immediately, dont completely shut off your emotions, however you should choose specific people to whom you discuss this with i.e. your brother. What your father is doing is clearly quite damaging to your family and I think it is now that you guys should come together and express how you feel. The more you bottle up the more blood pressure complications you will have. It is obviously going to be very difficult to talk about this but i believe in the right atmosphere and with the right people you will be able to relieve this stress. Remember your father is a grown man, his problems are NOT your burden to carry. Yes what he has done and is doing affects you but it does not consume and control your entire life. If he is a sociopath he will feed off your emotions, I know this because as a sociopath this is how i control people. First step is to "stir up" emotions such as anger, fear, depression then use their vulnerability against them. You musn't let him control you, be strong and refrain from making contact with him, constantly pointing blame or dwelling on the past. If you begin talking to him his goal will be to break you down and then use you as a pawn in his sociopathic game. Unfortunately your father is your past, it may be hard to get over it but im sure you will realize that the future holds much happier times for your family, the question is, are you strong enough to get there?
(Eric) (few questions back on Sex and Women)It's not that I view women as less than equal, I view everyone as less than equal to me. However, to me, women tend to be more emtoional which i interpret as weakness and inferiority. Ironically the people closest to me are female though. Now as for being only attracted to sex I would say that that is correct in the sense that I do not want a caring relationship with them and I only wish to have sex with them, however I do not want a caring relationship with anyone regardless of gender. If I was a woman you would assume I looked down upon men only because I only wish to use the opposite sex. Now as for sexual deviance I have a significant problem with websites and professionals who say sociopaths are all "whores" because I am not. I have complete control over my sexual desires and they are not intertwined with violence arousal. In fact, I am remarkably picky when it comes to who I will "fool" around with. People may mistake me for a misogynist however I would consider myself more of a misanthropist if there is such a term, i.e. I am intolerant of all people not just females however this fact is often mistaken because I have more personal contact with women because I am a straight male. Now onto the subject of sociopaths being like 6 year olds, pfft that is ridiculous. It seems you are sterotyping all sociopaths due to common movie displays of sociopathic criteria. The thing you must understand about me is that I am aware of every action I do, I am aware why I am doing it and I am aware of what other's reaction will be. So because I choose to be the centre of attention does not mean I have the emotional IQ of a 6 year old for, perhaps it is this persona I am creating to achieve the outcome I desire. Also, I do not pout and complain, I rarely show any emotion and because pouting is an inferior emotional display, that would leave it near the bottom of the list of my possible displays of emotion. I am not like a 6 year old, I am 18 but I believe I am much more mature than the average person as I have complete control over my emtoions and actions. Now onto the topic of music. Yes, I enjoy music, since I was about 9 I have listend to heavy metal such as Trivium, In Flames, Slipknot, Mudvayne etc. However, contrary to popular belief this music does not make me agitated and angry instead I find it more soothing as if the singer is releasing my built up emotions through song. I also listen to alot of Eminem, alot. But still, there are more easy going genres of music I listen to such as the beatles. Finally I'd like to thank Adam for saying that sociopaths just don't feel empathy. I believe there are varying degrees of sociopaths with their own unique qualities. I simply feel no remorse, ever and never have.
as for the fear thing that is a whole new conversation, ask me more specifics and I will elaborate.
Eric, maybe you are NOT a sociopath. Maybe you just have a little healthy arrogance. In my experience, sociopaths are rigid personalities who cannot change in response to changes in their environments; they are totally "fixed" and resent feedback of any kind. If you make any suggestion to them for improvement, they project their flaws onto you, attempting to expose you with slanders.
Hi Eric, I have just confronted a sociopath, if he is one, dont seem sure,,,,,,, anyways he does show signs of complete loss of control, sweating and shaking,,,,, i have confronted him about the ongoing lies,,,, and has told me he doesnt know why he does it, and that he just only know working on the underground and that he is truly a bastard...... but for some reason is always decent to me with money, advice and just seems to want to look out for me,,,, am i deluded??? any comments would be helpful as i am not sure what he wants from me, and reamains adamant that he just wants me as a friend and can only trust me,,,, is this possible???
Anonymous, you said in your experience, sociopaths are...
What is your experience? How many have you known? Are you a therapist? Are you a researcher? And can you mark your comments with some identifying "name?" So many people comment here as Anonymous, it's hard to tell you apart.
Eric, I am curious about how fear feels to you. That was one of the most interesting aspects of sociopathy, I thought. Martha Stout says sociopaths feel something that has the same components as most people would label fear, but they don't experience it as an unpleasant sensation, which to most people, seems impossible.
When your heart is beating, and your palms are sweating, and you're about to do something dangerous, what do you feel?
(Bell) Eric is an enigma ... I like him. He has been quite generous for a sociopath! I think he is here, being honest & open, for the power. He knows we're hanging on his every keystroke.
Im very confused at present, in most of what ive read about sociopaths, they dont feel feel fear, just glory at the other (victim)'s vulnerability....is there anybody that actually can define the word sociopath as it looks like alot of people would hold one of the traits!! do sociopaths have to have all traits to be confirmed as a sociopath..... lies, devious, calculating, players, no emotions, just glory at winning, defined as the walking devil (just what i have read on the net so far)..... if there is a therapist commenting, please enlighten me, thanks!
(Eric) First off I dont really care what you think I am, for I have been diagnosed not once but twice as a sociopath. You may wonder why have I gone to counselling if sociopaths dont want help, well who says Im going there for help? I first went because I was curious as to how the counsellor would evaluate and analyze me and then instead of talking about myself I evaluated him and told him his flaws in psychology. I told him many times that I am not looking to be changed because I like who I am, counselling was to me was a challenge, I knew I could easily manipulate non-professionals and I wanted to see if I could attack the insecurities of a professional. For those who are wondering the counsellor ended up telling me he was going through a burn out and that if I committed any crimes he would release my file to the court. I am no here to debate whether or not you think I am a sociopath and I will not answer this question any more times. Onto the fear question. This is an especiialy curious emotion to me, it is true that I do not find fear unpleasant it ismore of an adrenaline rush and power assurance. When I was young I would turn off all the lights in my house and walk into the basement because it felt exhilarating that although I felt fear I could control and dominate it. When I am faced with fear it is like a power struggle, where most people would be nervous and frightened I feel this is a chance to display my dominance and superiority. I enjoy facing fear because it does not scare me, I always see it as a challenge and an opportunity to overcome and come out on top. I do not fear the Devil nor death, I encourage Satan(if there is such a thing) to try and possess me as I see it as a chance to prove I can overtake him and gain superiority over him. As for death I do not fear dying because my curiosity of what happens when you die outweighs any sadness or fear. It is this lack of fear that creates this "on top of the world" persona, because I feel that nothing can hurt me or stop me; if there is something I want to do, I will do it. Now some people may say, well how come your not in jail? My answer is I am not an idiot. If I kill someone I will go to jail, I do not want to go to jail ergo I do not want to kill someone. However, if i ever get arrested for something serious I have a fall back and that is psychiatrist number 2. Remember though, sociopaths rarely end up in jail because they tend to be more intellectual than common criminals and instead sociopaths terrorize the personal world which is evident in Erica's story.
For 10 plus years we have been dealing with my husbands ex . We always knew something was wrong long story short she has every symptom described she just lost custody of her children who are now both in extensive therapy due to her head games and poor parenting.2 Guardians for the kids and her own psychologist deemed her incapable of parenting and the poor kids the things they dealt with her doing and saying to them is disqusting,these kids lived like this for 12 years because the initial guardian did not investigate and the ex manipulated her and her resume looked good 3 college degrees and currently a RN it took us this long to help the kids get out all we can do now is hope they can have a productive and as normal a life as possible
(Liz) I confronted with a sociopath as well. I told him about all his lies, all the girls he was playing with (at least the ones I knew about). He did not blink and blamed me for not being able to accept his superiority. Her told me it was not his problem if people were idiots. I got really angry with him because of his ignorance and played a game. I went to his favorite web site and created a profile which was his ideal type. It took five minutes for him to fall my trap. He started chatting with me, telling his line of lies. I told him how boring he was with the same stories and revealed who I was. He was not able to say a word and I got offline. The following day he sent me a text massage saying I was the only person he really loved and trusted! Well, it doesn't matter what he said because I don't love or trust him a bit.
I've actually been doing some pesonal digging on sociopaths and narccisissm information, because i believe my ex-boyfriend for 6yrs was one. All of the questions i answered yes to for sociopath and proly 98% of them for narccissim. I felt trapped for those six years i was with him. I never understood how someone i loved so much could act and do the things he did. I always hoped things would change and they only became worst. I use to cry myself to sleep at night because i didn't know what to do or how to leave him. I really did feel bad for him but mostly because he made me feel like that. its been about 9months now since i left him and i have so much more confidence in myself and i love myself now and feel great. My only problem is now, is hes still obbssed with me and is not letting me go. I don't think its because he loves me i think its because of how he is and that he now doesn't haven't control over me and that really gets under his skin. But, im happy to say im no longer with him
I'm sure that my Father is a sociopath, and I only just began to realise that he had a real problem a few months ago. Up until then I always just assumed that he was a difficult person, and different to others in my life. I've been on various websites for information and advice on how to deal with his behaviour, but I'm not having much success, as it's hard for me to get him out of my life - for obvious reasons. I am a teenager and cannot leave home at this stage, but I find him bringing me down evey day and depressing me with the way he puts me down. I'm determined not to let him get control or 'win', but he's putting a strain on my education which is at an important stage and also my daily life. I want to get a proper diagnosis, but he'd never agree to go to a doctor. Even if I could leave i'm afraid of leaving my mother alone with him.
To Eric:
Your comments on God, Satan, and the Devil were very insightful to me. I have a brother I have no doubt is a sociopath, but he professes a belief in God, but I have no doubt he uses it as a crutch against me. He knows that I am a Christian and tries to use my own beliefs against me to get me to do things that he would want me to do. Unfortunately for him, I see through his guise and ignore him.
For years I have wondered how the God I believe in would deal with sociopaths. Your comments make me believe that a just God can judge sociopaths as easily as he can judge someone who is not a sociopath. You say that you find it hard to believe that God created sociopaths that are doomed to hell from the start. I used to wonder about that too, until I got the chance to read your comments, which a very insightful because it is rare to find a self professed sociopath that is so open and literate enough to inform us about what is going on in his own mind. From your own comments you have helped me see that sociopaths are not necessarily doomed from the start. God did not put them in a situation where they cannot be obedient to God.
So many people think religion (I'm coming at it from a Christian perspective) is a matter of feelings, but if you look at Christ's teachings closely, feelings are rather irrelevant. Obedience is what is key. Doing the will of God, regardless of what feelings are is the key. Some sanguine people find loving other people and God easy to do because they drip "happy" emotions for everyone. This is more a personality type than a religious commitment to God. I, on the other hand, am a cold fish. I cannot work up great feelings for most people or pretend they are there. That does not prevent me from loving others. Let me explain, I do not believe that love is gushy emotions, it is the commitment to care for other and seek their good regardless of whether or not it makes me feel happy or not. I do not have to have gushy feelings to help others simply because it is what God wants. I can be a cold fish and still care for other regardless of what my feelings or desires are because I can "do unto other as I would want them to me" without recourse to "happy feelings".
From your own writings Eric, you make it clear you cannot stand arrogant people who feel better than you. Guess what, Jesus could not stand arrogant people either and had problems with Pharisees who were arrogant. Your sense that arrogance is a bad thing works when you look at other people. You know from observing others that arrogance is a bad thing. You want other people to treat you without arrogance, so regardless of whether or not you feel you want to be superior to others, you can be humble yourself around others only for the reason that you know that arrogance is bad. Feelings are irrelevant, you can act in a non-arrogant way.
You say you can screw and mess with people without feeling bad. Maybe you may not have a working radar that makes you feel bad when you screw with people, but you still hate having people screw with you and will attempt revenge to get back at them. You do not have anything that makes you attempt revenge, you can "turn the other cheek" even if you would like strike out. The fact that you do not feel guilt after you get revenge on someone doesn't make you take revenge. You choose to take revenge, your lack of feelings of guilt after taking revenge doesn't mitigate your free will choice to do the actions. I am a Christian man, who has a high sex drive. My sexual drive (or sexual feelings) would have me have sex with 90% of all teen age girls over the age of 15. The fact that I have these sexual feelings does not make it envitable that I will seek out and act out on these feelings. I know God wants me to be faithful to my wife and so I limit myself to my wife because it is Gods will I obey and not my feelings.
Eric if you want to obey God, you can. Regardless of your feelings you can obey Christ's teachings. You do not need to have burning loving feelings to obey him, just incline your will to His ways. You can choose to ignore your desire to mess with people when you feel this way. You can avoid stealing, lying, murdering, coveting, and any other sin. You only have to do what God wants you to do, even if you have no feelings. If you spend you life doing what God would have you do, even if you get absolutely no pleasure from it, you would be loving God greatly. Many in our society think loving God is having gushy feelings, this is not love. Love is doing God's will regardless of what you feel.
You assumption that God made sociopaths to be damned is wrong. You do not have to mess with people. You can donate to the poor to feed the hungry, even if you get no joy out of it. If you do it because intellectually you know God would have you do it, you would be being obedient and that is what God prizes more than anything. You can pray to God and ask His help to do his will. Your prayers to Him do not have to garner good feelings. Actually prayer without feelings is strong prayer. Anyone can pray when they get good feelings, but it takes dedication to pray when you get no good feelings out of it.
On judgment day I believe God will look at each of us individually. He will know of our lack of empathy or sympathy and know if it was of our choosing or not. He can also look at our choices and know if we could have avoided being as selfish, arrogant, or spiteful. We cannot choose our feelings, but we can chose our actions. I believe all people will be judged on their actions.
Eric I would ignore the label of being a sociopath, branded on you by some doctors. You have free will and you can "treat others as you want to be treated". You may not feel like you want to care for people, but you still can treat them the way you want to be treated. You say you like how you are and have no desire to change. If you choose not to change is it because you were "born" a sociopath, or are you choosing it of your own will? If you are choosing to act like a sociopath, is it God's fault or your own? I cannot answer this question, but I think God can. Thanks for you comments, I have found them helpful
As a psychiatrist in an urban hospital, I see sociopaths on a nearly daily basis. These are human beings who have never developed the higher brain functioning of our species. They think and act as animals would. There is no form of treatment, medication or therapy wise that has ever been found to be effective in the treating them. Until they are incarcerated, they wreak havoc on the lives of everyone they cross. Usually sociopaths are unaware that the physicians are on to them. Many times they are seeking hospitalization for narcotics, for shelter, or to get out of court sentencing. Sociopaths are a complete waste of precious health care resources. I noticed that some of you are being superficially charmed by this sociopath writer on this site. Be very careful and suspicious of his motives..
(Bell) I think that Eric is going to verbally spank the writer of the post about God. It will be interesting to see his response. Yes, I am charmed by him because I know a sociopath who is trying his best NOT to be evil, just like the God post suggests. My socio is an atheist, but he knows what he is and tries hard. As he puts it, he wants me to stop him from being such a prick. He takes my help even though he literally shakes with anger after doing what I suggest (like apologizing, holding his tongue, or not decking somebody), but he sees that his world is a better place now. Okay, so his motives are self-serving, but it is good to see him control some of his impulses anyway. I thought at first that it couldn't last, but it has been several years now. His mind-set has not improved, but his behavior has, since he is getting more of what he wants. If you're stuck with a sociopath in your life, all you can do is roll with the punches because they won't actually change.
I wonder why someone would want to see my God post spanked? For every sociopath that seems doomed to hell, I wonder how many people with similiar personality types are able to control their desires for domination over others and can actually live a life that is beneficial to others. My only problem with Eric's view is that he and all sociopaths are, if God exists, created and doomed without a chance for salvation. Like it is God's fault that they are they way they are. I simply wonder if the key is that some people want to change and are able, while others willfully stay the way they are and it is their fault, not God's. Eric says he like being the way he is and I question if Eric could do good to others (as he seems to do with his postst), even if he would prefer acting sociopathic.
One last thing I want to say as the person who wrote the God post. I like Eric, his posts have been insightful. I only hope that an 18 year old man who is barely out of childhood will not allow himself to be stigmatized by being labeled "sociopathic". I fear a self-fulfilling prophecy can occur in his life and he maintain a life that can be better. I do not think he is doomed or that God made him in a doomed state that he cannot pull out of. I believe Eric and others like him can change, unfortunately they choose not to. As Eric says, he likes being what he is and even defies Satan to possess him. I fear he over estimates his own powers and underestimates that a purely evil being like Satan actually possesses. Eric says he doesnt want to go to jail, he doesn't seem to realize what Satan's Hell could actually be like. Jail could be a vacation in Miami compared to Hell. I prefer that he be happy forever, but he has to make his choices. I would have him happy, but thats up to him.
And here I thought these men were all drug and alcohol induced. Is there such thing to be a sociopath induced by drugs and alcohol, as in adddictions? I have met planty of men who have played an extreme roll to most if not all of the description of a sociopath, and yet I have discovered they had a substance abuse problem. so I ask; is it all Mystery and genetic?
If so I have had many years experience in these sociopaths and exposing them is perhaps the worse thing that can be done. I have found that gracefully backing out of a relationship is probably the most effective. "It's not you its me" kind of thingy. eventually they will stop stalking you and lose your number.
They do delight in being that "Legand" in your life that you will never forget. It doesn't hurt the ego one bit to let them believe they won, whatever it is they are playing. They won't quit until they think they have won, don't let them break you, that is a big thing, fighting and being drawn into their illusion is probably the most dangerous thing we can do. Poker faces come in handy to a small benefit when it comes into dealing with one who has sociopathic tendencies. Falling prey sometimes is inevidable, however, falling victim is avoidable if we play our cards right and be aware of the first impression this shouldn't be hard to detect right away. I believe that everyone in some point in their life has these tendancies, its weather we want to feed the monster or not, some of us are co-dependant and therefore our problems don't need to be blamed on someone else that we are actually enabling and feeding a monster, in return perhaps we make them the victim and we are the monsters, either way to avoid the whole ugly mess. wether they are or not, we identify with them and we know when to step back. The simple truth. make me a fool shame on you, make me a fool twice shame on me.
I think you make several excellent points, Anonymous. No, I don't think drugs or alcohol can induce sociopathy, but I think probably a disproportionate number of drug addicts and alcoholics may be sociopaths, probably because the motivation to prevent addiction (regret at ruining other people's lives) is not present.
I think you're right that exposing a sociopath is not a good idea. The approach you recommend is good. Back out as gently as you can and ignore any wounds to your ego.
To The Writer of the God Post: I'm not so sure that sociopaths have any choice but to be sociopathic. It's their nature. A leopard can't change its spots. There's an old song about a woman who takes in a wounded snake and nurses him back to health. Then, of course, the snake bites her. She asks him why. He simply says, "You knew darn well I was a snake before you let me in."
To Adam Khan - Your site is very interesting and I have come to the conclusion that I am sociopath. I have no friends because I always try to hurt poeople in order to hurt myself (ie to make myself lonely). I am very clever and I could potentially have had a successful career but I destroy everything that is good in my life. I lie/manipulate/do and say things that I don't mean just to upset people and make them hate me. However, your article seems very biased - you do not offer a solution for people who read your article and realise that they are sociopaths. What should I do? Will I always be alone and have a life full of self-inflicted pain? (yes I do feel very sorry for myself) I have considered suicide on and off since I was a child and now I cannot see that there is any other option. Please tell me what I should do.
Why are sociopaths considered bad? And since when are they the same thing as phycopaths? A sociopath CAN be these traits but you make them sound like phycos out there to hurt us. I consider myself a sociopath to a certain degree because Im too conscious. Im aware enough to realize that society tells us what to look like, how to act and and over all how to live. Its humaities right to not listen to the pressures of society and live life without social boundries, TO NOT LISTEN TO THE BULLSHIT OF SOCIETY! Mabe im thinking of a different definition (possibly anarchism to an extent) but anyway, very interesting stuff.
(Bell) "Socio" = Pertaining to people.
"Psycho" = Of the mind.
"Pathy" = Illness; disease.
Putting the terms together answers your questions, I think.
(Eric) I had a whole reply to the God thing but i hit backspace and it went back a page so i lost it all. I might summarize it later. But basically the man is having some run on tangent with himself, like he is the only person signed up for a debate because I do not recall asking for some preach lesson in which a pedophilic man stops himself from cheating on his wife based on obedience on invisible laws and ignores his owns feelings and judgements to follow these laws blindly. He also did not show any orignal thought, instead every time he seemed to have a belief he said religion isn't about following your beliefs its about just being obedient, well maybe you should have read more into the bible because it says God encourages us to question religion and to not follow blindly. You are preaching to me but it seems that it is less you trying to convert me and more you trying to reassure yourself of the religion. You clearly at one point went through a dark period in your life in which you rejected God and now that your life has picked up you want to praise God in the hope that he will continue to bless you with happiness because you fear going back into the state you were once in. I will not have a debate on the existence of God until you state some original thought and not just reassurance lines from the bible.
(Bell) That was a verbal spanking from Eric.
To the Anonymous (December 30, 2008 10:23 AM) who thinks you are a sociopath. I don't know if you're a sociopath or not. As far as I know, sociopaths are very self-serving. I don't see how it benefits you to have people hate you. That seems like a different problem to me, and maybe a cognitive therapist can help. Go here and find a qualified cognitive therapist in your area. And do it soon.
By the way, the reason I'm "biased" is that I wrote the article for the victims of sociopaths.
I've read some information about sociopathy because I have wondered about my children's father and really wish the courts would do a psych evaluation in our custody case. Some of the comments I've read on this blog seem like a writer's little fiction, but my story is a little nuts too, so I'm not sure how much of this site is genuine and how much is prank. With that said, I'm curious about something, Adam... After years of affairs, lies, cover-ups, manipulations, name calling and insults followed by I love yous and his admitting that he likes to push buttons just to be entertained by my upset etc. I wonder if my children's dad is a sociopath. He has so many of the traits. I've read up on brain washing techniques and emotional abusers and all those traits seem to apply to him too, but there is one thing I notice about him that makes me think twice. He seems to love his kids. He hugs and praises them and seems genuine, but he also humiliates, mocks, teases, hits once in a while, threatens to break their toys if they don't comply etc. Can he be a sociopath and still show love? I thought he loved me and I'm sure his newest girlfriend who is now pregnant thinks he loves her. Is his love all "show"? can this one factor eliminate the chance that he is a sociopath? he has many surface friends to. He is extremely charming and does favors for others, but I always felt this was for appearances or an alterior motive. His friends seem to think he is a great guy, but I know this side that very few people see. Is this sociopathy or something else? By the way, he is an alcholic but says he is not drinking anymore because he didn't want to lose his kids.?????
It is hard to tell if someone is a sociopath for sure. But he is definitely not good for you to be around, and maybe not good for your kids to be around either, although you'd have to get some very good evidence to prevent it. That's one of the problems with dealing with a sociopath -- they usually aren't bad enough to justify legal action. The best you can probably do is minimize contact for both you and your kids, and as they get older, educate them on their father's psyche.
You're in a tough spot. I wish you luck.
I work in hollywood on large budget features, and let me tell you, the entertainment industry is CRAWLING with these folks.
If you think about it, the entertainment business is perfect for them. It's a town built on superficial charm, everyone hates boredom, and everyone is feigning emotions for a living.
Over the years, I've had to come up with good methods for dealing with these dysfunctional parasites, many of whom have been producers and project bosses. The coolest part is when the sp's don't know that they are one, but I can recognize the signs based on their behavior towards others. This allows me to reverse-manipulate the sp's so that they can't fire me or stab me in the back. One way I do this is that I see sp's projecting exactly what they hate or are afraid of personally onto their victims. I use that information to exploit their vanurabilities.
One thing I do right off the bat is to let the sp boss know in a subtle way that I am just as connected as they are, and if things get nasty, I'll let everyone in town know. (Everyone in the business is paranoid of having a bad reputation.) Most of the time they need me too much to let their true colors show, so I get the work done and take their money.
The key to identifying an sp is to talk to other people about them and ask what their behavior has been like in the past. Words and superficial charm can fool a lot of people, but ACTIONS are the best measure of someone's character. There are so many ways to trick these maladapted control-freaks, they're just like the sixth grade playground bully trying to wear a mask that doesn't fit.
Does anyone have any advice on what to do if the sociopath is a step-son? He wrecks havoc on the family all the time. If he doesn't get his way his favorite saying is, "An eye for an eye." If he is punished in any way he will retaliate. He has lately called the police on his mother for trying to take his car keys away, (she's 110 lbs. - he's 6'2" and 240). The police took her away as he showed them a broken mug and said that she tried to "hurt" him. He now has a restraining order on her. His father, (my husband) has now had to punish him for one of his actions by shutting off the cell phone that we pay for. The retaliation for this was that when his step-brother came home, (my son and they live in an apartment together) was to not let him use the utensils, fridge, etc. This prompted my son to move out and now the retaliation has stepped a notch to where my step-son is threatening many things against us. What can I do to make sure that my marriage stays together and to help my husband, (his dad) get through this?
How does a person handle when you work w/ someone who is a Sociopath? The person is the boss of my Supervisor and I have to work w/ this person also.
How can you deal with your sociopath boss? Same way you'd deal with anyone who brings you down:
How to Handle People Who Bring You Down
And you with the step-son, you're going to have to be tough. You will have to stop treating him as you would a normal person. In a way, you'll have to be colder and more self-serving when dealing with him. You have to be more like a sociopath with him. You will not change him, and you will get no empathy from him. So you have to do what you can to protect you and yours.
Thank you for the advice from the person who gave it regarding the step-son. I will most definitely take it.
After reading The Sociopath Next Door and doing my own research online, I am positive that my father is a sociopath. I was wondering if anyone has had experience in 'leaving' sociopathic parent/s? I admit that I am afraid of what my father might do if he thinks he needs to take revenge on me in any way, and I don't want to say anything that will incite his temper. I figure that remaining cordial but distant is the best way, but I really would like to have him totally out of my life. I leave him alone forever, he leaves me alone forever, and that's that.
RE: To the Anonymous (December 30, 2008 10:23 AM) who thinks you are a sociopath....
Thank you for your response. Unfortunately I live in the UK where the waiting list for any kind of therapy is at least two years. I am mostly only writing on here so someone will see and catch me. I wish I could be locked up. Every day I hope that I will die. Sometimes I like to drive on the wrong side of the road to scare people and I hope they will get angry and beat me or maybe kill me. I do not care about their feelings, I just want them to feel the pain that I feel. That is why I think I am a sociopath. All you people on here saying horrible things about sociopaths should realise that they need your help. I wish someone would help me.
(Bell) A hallmark of the sociopath is that he doesn't want help. He likes himself the way he is and doesn't want to change. (Adam, can you confirm this please?) You do not sound like a sociopath. You are NOT manipulating people for your own benefit ... You are pissing them off to make them hate you. May I ask how old you are? Many adolescents go through a period of self-loathing. Would it help to tell you that it won't last? You seem so self-conscious that you feel everyone around you is judging you negatively. Perception is not always reality. Is there anyone you can talk to about your feelings? A parent, a best friend, a guidance counselor? Would you be willing to outline a course of action, one that's positive and correctve? I believe you'd find that people love to forgive.
(Eric) You are not a sociopath, just tough out your problems, everyone has issues but not everyone tries to kill others to fix them.
Yes, a sociopath doesn't usually want to be helped to change, and your desire to have people hate you and lock you up sounds like another kind of problem altogether. I suggest you find a cognitive therapist.
My 38-year-old sister is a sociopath. She took my mother for all she had, used the equity in my mother's home to buy a new home in her name, and then used my mom as her own personal nanny/slave--ordering her around, saying horrible things to her, and pysically abusing her for years. She uses the grandchildren as pawns to "keep mom in line." If the police are called, baby sis cranks up the charm and makes it look like things are everyone else's fault. I realize my mom is extremely co-dependent (alcoholic parents) but she is not mean and she takes good care of the grandkids. Recently, my sister's husband divorced her (she was treating him the same way she was treating mom). Now she has a new boyfriend and has informed my mom that she is being evicted and that the new guy and his two sons will be moving in. We are all very worried about the grandchildren, they are just one and six-years-old and have always at least had the stability of my mom to care for them. Now they won't. Their dad won't step up to the plate and report my sister, either, even though he says, himself, that she is insane. The police won't do anything because there are no marks on the kids. How can we protect the children??
(Bell) I ran into this dilemma myself with the female SP that I know, who has an 8 yo and is now pregnant with twins [father in jail (and she only knew him for 2 weeks anyway)]. The advice from Child Services was disturbing. They told us to stop helping and allow the mother to cope by her own devices, which meant ... shoot, you wouldn't believe how awful she is. Child Services waited for her first tangible screw-up, which took less than a month, then removed the boy and will take the twins when they are born for adoption by their very nice grandmother, giving SP limited & supervised visitation rights. The 8-yo is a wonderful boy and has never been so happy. We hesitated, for 7 years, to contact Child Services, but it was the best thing we could've done. They were genuinely concerned & helpful right from the start. I'm sorry we didn't go to them sooner. So, my advice to you is to call and make them aware of the situation so it will be on file. After that, call to report any incidents that occur in the future. Just be 100% open & honest. You don't have to give your name, but you can give it confidentially so they can contact you. They will start keeping an eye on her right away. Your mother should call as well to give the case more weight.
I am married to a woman I beleive is a sociopathic personality. We have children and my fear for their well being is the only motivation that keeps me with her. She can lie straight to your face without blinking and feign insult if you don' beleive her. When proved to be lying she will appologize and talk about the terrible bed she's made for herself and how she'll have to endure it. Of course she'll do it again next month. The behaviour is repeated and by now so obvious to me I beleive nothing she says. She'll lie about even unimportant trivial things that just don't matter.
When I ask her if she's evil, lying repeatedly to someone she hypothetically loves she says no, she just lies to me so she's not evil. She tells me she's in therapy, but I doubt it. She used that as an excuse to make couple's counseling useless. I am to a point where I wouldn't care in general, but the latest and greatest saw her squandering over $100K from my mother's estate, even spending the money set aside to pay our taxes. I finally found out about this in November. Imagine that one, the worst part is there's nothing tangible to show for the $100K.
I'm fearful in a divorce she'll get the kids and the money issues will be worse. At least now I can work behind the scense to hold things together. Others seem to see her as a great person, but she never lets them into the truth about who she is. Of course she's not hesitant to share my foibles. I'm totally at a loss as to what I should do to best ensure my children are not harmed by all this. My eldest daughter is her mother, a habitual liar on a terrible path. Her younger siblings are generally happy, successful (in college or college bound) and seem like great kids.
I've tried every approach I can think of. Nothing seems to work. Please help me.
How old are your younger children?
Is it possible for a sociopath to truly feel emotion toward his only son (born late in life)but not be able to experience true emotion with anyone else?
To "Bell". I am 23 so I can no longer use the adolescence excuse. I have no friends and I am a student so I cannot afford therapy. I have asked for help but nobody wants to help me. If nobody takes any notice soon then I am going to have to kill someone. Either myself, or one of the people around me who I hate to distraction. Human life is worthless. People should realise that.
Dear 23,
Walk in to a mental health dept. Every county has one, or the police dept., and announce that you are going to kill yourself or another. They will take notice.
Eric, I have a six year old nephew, he has a recent diagnosis of sociopathic behavior. His doctor asked him a few questions that I wonder if you would not mind answering. Just to see if your answers are "reflective" of his?
(Bell) To the 23-yo:
Twenty-three is not very far out of adolescence. You are still in the age range where young people tend to commit suicide, believing life will always be as tough as it is now. Trust me when I say, you are going to go through many changes and so is your life. Since the UK has a waiting list, well, first of all go ahead and GET ON IT. (The years will pass anyway so you might as well be on the list.) Importantly, if you really think that you are dangerous to yourself or others, remedy that now. Today. Tell the police if you have to. Just walk into the station and tell them exactly what you wrote here. In the USA, a family physician (general practitioner) will hook a patient up with psych care, and maybe the referral route could be a short-cut. Any responsible professional hearing your terrifying fears about yourself will take steps to get you some help pronto.
You may not be a sociopath, but you are certainly socially maladjusted in the extreme. You need friends, perhaps new people with whom you can start fresh.
I hope you will stay on this site and keep me (us) posted as you try to change the course of your life. How are you doing in school? Do you have any family support system at all?
To the 23 year-old:
I second what Bell and Anonymous said above. If you walk into a police station or hospital or mental health clinic and tell them what you just told us, they will get you some help. Or tell an administrative official at school.
You say you have already asked for help. Who did you ask? What did you say?
My sister.
My sister I believe is a sociopath. We have all considered her with a mental illness, but have not looked up the specifics until now. She has just been arrested for two serious charges involving aggravated robbery and supply of class A drugs. Before that it was another serious charge to do with fraud, another to do with theft. She has used my name. She has been a compulsive continual liar, but the emotional manipulation is becoming evident now. My father and I have backed off this last two years as she has gone awol, unreachable to us and everyone, involved with gangs and dealing drugs, abandoning her two kids, and ex, and her last boyfriend put out a restraining order against her. She is involved with the seedy side of many gangs. Running the show no doubt. As a teenager, she continually stole my parents car, and sold their wedding ring to cash converters. She stole my fathers jar of coins he collected as his whole life as a hobbie, and cashed them in. She stole from my nanas donation box, she stole my mothers credit cards and cheque book, as well as numerous other personal intimate items which were all disposable to her. She also stated to my nana she was "going to break my parents up". In which she succeeded. When she was pregnant to a gang member at 15, my mother broke down, and she walked over her saying "it was a Maori too". This is just a selection of incidents I recall now. There was many more. She is cruel to her children, however not when their grandmother (our mother) is present because she will be on her case "its wrong". She lacks any kind of empathy and has a great sense of her right/ego. She would use every possible opportunity to humiliate and degrade me as a child and adult, finding out the most intimate details about me, or her perceived insecurities I might have, and use it against me. She has not been diagnosed with sociopathy, but I believe (and my father is coming round) my sister has mild-moderate sociapathy. My father and I are safe from it. The problem is the children, the childrens father (the ex), and of course, my mother.
This is where I begin the turmoil of emotional manipulation. My sister is out of prison, on bail yesterday, the ex address was erroneously put down and so now she is out of bail living with him and their kids. She has now used what ever means possible to manipulate him. My mother went around there and no doubt all the excuses in the world were brought up as to her behaviour being a result of bad things happening to her, and she believed them. My father and I do not live in the same region as her and she knows she cannot get anything from us, hence there is no contact. She still knows how to pull the heart strings of my mother who lives close by, and my sisters ex who is very much a family man. She uses depression and suicide as emotional manipulator, the end always justifying the means.
I am so lost, my family has gone through divorce, mental breakdowns, cruelty, financial losses, and all the damage and destruction and frustration and the never ending cycle of her emotional manipulation and destruction.
What the hell do I do to protect my mother and nephew and neice now?
(Eric) To the person who asked me, yes i will answer the questions if you'd like, im curious as to what they are.
Bell,
Thank you for the advice on what to do about my 38 year old sister. My mother and I called protective services. I am not sure what they will do. Hoping for the best.
Okay here they are:
Do you feel your mother "wanted" you.
Do you like being "mean" to other people.
What does it feel like (explain your emotion, anger, fear, happy, sad) when you hurt other people?
Do you "want" to hurt other people? (Physical or otherwise)
Do you think your mother "loves" you?
I know some of them seem infantile but realize these where asked to a six year old child. However, his thoughts and explanations where rather chilling. I just wonder how early you remember being "the way you are", your awareness so to speak. He has started therapy but this only gives him more "insight" into reading personalities. It seems as though he is acquiring more "skills" to me. He tells me he loves to "read" people and is fascinated with the story of Achilles (hope I spelled that right), he says everyone has a weakness you only have to know where to look.
I work with a Sociopath. An hours contact with her is so draining. Luckily thats usually all we work together. But what do I do
(Eric) They are a bit infantile but I will do my best to answer them based on how I felt at that age. I did not feel my mother wanted me, I felt that she wanted a child but she was unhappy with who I was/how I turned out. I also thought that she was hoping for a girl so there was a disappointment at my birth. I thought if she could go back in time she would choose not to have me. I loved to be mean to other people and I always had to be the leader of everything, even small games like Tag and deciding who will be "it" first. At that age I felt powerful, mentally stronger than other people when i put them down however, I found it very easy to control their emotions and so I began to physically hurt others. Yes, I remember whenever somebody called me a name or tried to tease me I would fight them, but I was not an out of control kid, I knew when i could get away with it and when I couldn't. I thought that my mother believed she loved me because she was my mother but not on any personal level, just as a status emotion (had to love me because she was my mother) I was like this ever since I can remember, also people would have seen me as paranoid but I believe I was the only one who could truly read these people, so I wasn't paranoid, I could just see the truth unlike others living in ignorant bliss. They say that if they start the treatment early enough they can be "fixed" so I suppose it's possible but it will be hard to put empathy into someone without any. Also if you wish to change him you have to change how he views the world before it's carved in stone and too late to alter it. Sociopaths tend to see the real world, constant lies, adultery, hate, fakeness, weakness etc and so they have a negative view of the world. To change his view he will need loved ones to show constant positive views and show him the good things in life. One last thing that's important, it is imperative that you act as the dominant figure and not show your own weakness. You have to become more intelligent and dominant in his eyes or it will be impossible to reach him, after all if you think your smarter than someone then why would you listen to them or take their advice?
It would be possible but then there is his "mother", sixteen at his birth and angry at the world. She played mind games with me when she was pregnant, saying I will give him to you and then one day, "this is MY baby" and I will do what I want. That ended the contact and involvement in the pregnancy, she manipulates like crazy. She did not want him but soon found that "guilt" is powerful and used it on my brother and sister-in-law frequently (and still does). She tried to "give him" away when he was born but my brother insisted "you will not give MY grandbaby away", even though it would have been best. She subsequently lived with several "daddies" and has now had three children (this one included) with three men and says she will not stop until she has a "girl" that is all she "ever wanted". Her new ploy is that she tells everyone that she thinks the six year old might be "gay" hoping for sympathy. There is not enough time or words to explain her sociopathic behavior and that time and effort would be a waste. He views me as the only constant in his life although she fights that. He tells me that of all the people in the world he loves me "best" and that I will always be safe as long as he is alive. I try to influence him but she doesn't like it. She doesn't want my "influence" on him she says, she says he would get to "up on his high horse being around me" because I am educated and striving for more than I was brought up with. He thinks I am the only one in his short life that has ever "loved" him and ever will. He has seen the fakeness, weakness and negative view of the world all through her eyes. How do I help when I have to go through her?
I agree with the good doctor's posting above, who (pertaining to Eric) wrote: "I noticed that some of you are being superficially charmed by this sociopath writer on this site. Be very careful and suspicious of his motives." December 26, 2008 4:50 PM
I've spent a great deal of time reading each and every post on this site. Eric has contradicted himself on several occasions. I've only been investigating this illness for a few days, so I admit I am not yet well educated on the subject, but I have read enough to see that within a long list of symptoms, two important criteria of sociopathy are (1) pathological lying, and (2) low or non-existent affect. In my opinion, Eric has demonstrated a great deal of affect in his writing, and we simply are not able to evaluate the veracity of his honesty. He even states in his replies that he only let's people see what he wants them to see, proudly acknowledging his ability to manipulate (yet another symptom from the list of criteria). But (sorry to disappoint you Eric) my comment here ISN'T about or for Eric, it's for all of those people seeking answers and insight from Eric. This is a person who is professing to have a serious illness where lying, deceit, and manipulation are key symptoms. By definition, nothing a sociopath says or does can be trusted, so WHY would you even look to him for answers or insight? Whether Eric is a true sociopath or not, each of you seeking his counsel are his victims, and he surely is sitting back deriving sick pleasure from his ability to suck you in to his game. On top of that, he's only 18 years old, barely of age to have been clinically diagnosed a sociopath, and certainly not experienced enough in life that I would look to him for insight on any subject matter (with the exception of acne, maybe). The crux of my point is this: The suggestion of how to deal with a sociopath in your life set forth in the article "How to Deal with Common Everyday Sociopaths," which presumably brought most of us to this blog to begin with, strongly asserts the best way to deal with a sociopath in your life is to run (not walk) as fast as we can and sever all ties with that person. Call ME crazy, but isn't seeking Eric's input exactly what you shouldn't do? Just a thought.
By the way, I initiated my research in hoping to find a cause and treatment for my 24 year old daughter's behavior and actions. I have a substantial family history of schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, chronic depression, and PMDD, so I am no stranger to mental illness by any means. But I was still shocked to discover my daughter exhibits each and every one of the 20 criteria in Hare's checklist; and I am absolutely heartbroken that there appears to be no effective treatment. If I can get her evaluated and the diagnosis is in fact sociopathy, my husband and I will not run. We will accept this as our lot in life and will care for her and deal with her as best we can. More importantly, we will raise her daughter, who is 2 1/2 years old, and pray that this does not pass down genetically to her.
I wish each and every one of you going through this with a child or loved one the very best of luck in your journey toward resolution.
Eric - if you must, spank away man!! I'll check back (for entertainment value). Don't hold your breath for a reply though.
(Bell) Your assertions about SP's are theoretically correct, of course, but here in cyberspace is the one place where Eric can be himself without repercussions, and thus far he has been true. If not, Adam Kahn would be on his blog in a heartbeat. I half expected Eric to give bad advice to some of the more desperate writers on this site, but he came through with flying colors.
I wish you the best with dealing with your daughter. Remembering that I'm not an expert, the one thing I've found that works (sort of) with SP's is good humor, no matter how badly they treat you. It really seems to fly in their face when they can't suck you down. Reasoning rarely works because they have a different set of rationale, but they will sometimes respond to logic nevertheless if you twist it around to their way of thinking. There is also an underlying personality to consider, which is why I believe some are worse than others. At least you are raising your granddaughter yourself, and that is the most important thing. Thank goodness. I am wondering how you arranged that, since there are people on this site who would like to get children away from an SP.
You are of course correct, Bell; and I am not saying that Eric is not in fact being forthright in his comments. He may in fact be a sociopath who is using this website to "be real" in the only way he can. My point is, his illness should make everyone wary. Also, I guess I am wary because you just never know who you're dealing with--e.g., the 50 something man posing as a 15 year old boy, trolling the net to prey on naive children. I have always been an extremely trusting person. I have also been burned more times than I can count, so I am especially cautious when I am not able to evaluate someone face to face. Even usually trusting, I have NEVER understood those people who give themselves over freely and accept all that his handed them in cyberspace. Far too many people have been hurt. In fact, I can't even explain right now why I am involved in this blog, as I have never, ever participated in chatrooms or blogs because of my distrust. Maybe I am vulnerable because of my daughter. Unfortunately, that is exactly who deviant people look for--the vulnerable--as Eric so adequately contributed.
In any event, with respect to my granddaughter, I guess we got lucky. I believe my daughter just didn't wan't the responsibility anymore, and so relinquished her to us at our suggestion "until she gets her life back on track." We do not have legal "custody," but rather are "authorized caregivers." She will not voluntarily give us custody because then she has nothing to use to manipulate me and gives her a great deal of control over my emotions. My entire family knows and agrees that I in particular am my daughter's pet project. I should also say, I know she thinks there is something wrong with her and doesn't know why she does the things she does. She certainly doesn't even consider anything like sociopathy (neither did I). She has been in counseling on and off since she was 13/14, and has occasionally been prescribed Prozac for depression (most recently within the past few months for both). The problem is, without family input now, I'm sure she just spins everything away from herself, as is typical of this illness. My ultimate goal is to protect my granddaughter and break this cycle by bringing legal proceedings if necessary (a very risky proposition) and forcing her to get an in-depth evaluation and treatment. I cannot push her away because of my granddaughter, or live with the control she has over me because of my granddaughter. I do want her to get treatment for whatever disorder she may end up diagnosed with. Things simply cannot remain status quo. It is poisoning my soul.
Good luck to you!
(Joy) New to this site and find it helpful thus far. Of Eric, I say there are degrees of evil in us all. It seems he chooses to help in that he gains power as well. He has answers, we seek what we don't have thus in his own way he wins, too. I was involved with a SP for just over 9 years. Now feel stupid and the fool for putting my wants and needs on the backburner and allowing myself to be abused and controlled. When I finally reached a point of complete self sufficiency through completion of my education, he lost interest and found a new toy. A woman who works as a cashier where he is a district supervisor. He takes great pleasure in getting the owner to fire those he places on his hit list. Laughs about it to no end. Has tons of friends who he trash talks when they are not present as he dissects their weaknesses. No long term friendship from childhood. His abuse of me was little stuff. Not paying bills after encouraging me to buy based on his promises to pay. Turning on the AC and opening all the windows when snow is on the ground. Taking car keys so I couldn't go to work or school, locking out Tv channels, taking all the phones to work. When he wanted a baby, sex all the time but only if I didn't use the bathroom first to ensure that I didn't use birth control. Then abruptly decided that he didn't want a child and then denying me sex for 5 years of our marriage stating that it was dirty, disgusting and only for producing offspring which he no longer wanted. He had no relationship with any of his 3 children, but recently got custody of a daughter whose Mom was busted for Meth. He had never met the child, but was able to con me into taking him back and helping him get her. Mostly he was just thrilled to win and teach her Mom a lesson and of course no longer pay child support. Once he had her, he continued to deny me now not only sex, but also his time and affection. Still stating that he loved me was attracted to me as much as he could be to any woman, just not wanting to change or have a close relationship with any woman. Of course once we were in the process of divorce, he immediately was involved with the woman from work. His mother delights in stories of him killing a pet for not minding him, setting her bed on fire, and how she had to handcuff him to a chair until his Dad came home. During his toddler years, she turned his crib upside down like a little jail to contain him. His life has been full of crimes, jail time, drug use but never addiction. Has to be in control. His crimes are all someone else's false. Bad circumstances, people asking for it, etc. He always has to win in any game, gets angry if he loses, rarely laughs, I think maybe 2 times in 9 years. Never cries. States he won't do it even if his parents die. Has relationships now with his Mom and Step-dad but has gone for decades at a time when he didn't speak to them, and they constantly lend him money. Currently has 5 ex-wives and is working on marrying a 6th woman. Courtship is fast and furious. He says all that you want to hear and then on your wedding day which occurs quickly, he states now he owns you and everything changes. This guy was my first love at 14, and I placed him on a white horse and made him my everything. Reunited 20 years later, I chose to fall for the fantasy and not the reality. It is so so easy to get sucked in to the game. Now I know that we choose to allow ourselves to be victims. There is a small voice within that let's you know that this isn't good for you. Yet you allow yourself to become dependent on them to the exclusion of everything. You stop trusting your own judgment. You are trapped in their web and you were their willing prey. The fun part is trying to get out of the sticky mess that you helped to create by giving them power over you. Shame on us as well as them. And to the new woman, he lied about your existence, claims he has no feelings for you but that it was time for there to be a you in his life, and you will become a victim and one day you will find this site and recognize that you too were conned. If only they weren't so good at the game, and we weren't all so willing to play it with them.
I am a 45 year old female with many personal problems and have had many men in my life that have been as such.I believe that people like this create victims to hide their own victimization.Wether they choose to admit it or deal with it is soley their problem.Wether we choose to be around them and affected by them is ours.Having been,as I said, with many----it is easy to become like them--attempting to win the game.
Reading this article was like spotting a grizzly bear in the field and being able to finally identify WHY you have been feeling terrified and crazy.
I was married to a sociopath for 12 years and his brother and father are also sociopaths. So much so that the local law enforcement even recognize them as such.
Unfortunately I did not understand that HE was the problem. When we met and married I was a successful single mother, a registered nurse and owned my own home and a new car.
Because of his constant mental, emotional and physical abuse and unfathonable manipulative control issues, this man single handedly robbed me of my self esteem, my sanity, my job and my health. All the while, he convinced me that anything and everything was my fault not his. NEVER his fault.
I currently am on Social Security Disability for Post Tramatic Stress Disorder and Panic Attacks with agoraphobia. I no longer am a registered nurse, I no longer own my own home.
I write this in hopes that SOMEONE out there can read it and benefit from this information.
DO NOT TAKE THESE TYPES OF PEOPLE LIGHTLY. They can and do kill, they ruin lives.
If I could really target the "brass tacks" of their behavior it would be that during the never ending cycle of manipulation, control and abuse these sociopaths will show to you what seems to be emotion and regret. IT IS NOT REAL. What they are showing you is a learned behavior in order to CONTINUE TO GET WHAT THEY WANT.
They will do whatever it takes to get you and those around you including law enforcement convinced that it is THEY who are normal, charming and dependable and it is YOU who is crazy, hysterical and a spend thrift.
Then once the dust has settled they will go right back to their old behavior.
This is the most bone chilling of behaviors in my opinion to deal with. That someone could cause you such great harm and then feign sorrow for their actions all the while without actually meaning it.
Understand that when there is trouble and he/she cries and says "I'm sorry" (if they do) it is not because they are sorry for what they did, it is only because they are SORRY FOR THEMSELVES. They are sorry they got caught, they are sorry this turmoil has interrupted their plans for the day.
The following examples will hopefully make the mind of a sociopath clearer:
A man stabs his wife with a knife during an arguement and then gets enraged because she has bled on the carpet. He completely fails to see his connection to the event, how he caused it to happen nor does he have any remorse to his actions. It's all HER fault.
A man runs over his wife with the car and her body becomes entangeled in the tires. He becomes enraged at the fact that SHE is making him late for work. Again he fails to see any connection between his actions and what is going wrong.
Also, I disagree with the ideas I have read that the upbringing of the sociopath has no bearing on their ultimate behavior.
With my X and his brothers, their mother constantly reinforces their behavior! When I brought his abuse to her attention she said this:
"Well if you wouldn't have made him so mad he wouldn't have had to hit you".
HONEST TO GOD.
It then, must be also the upbringing that these people receive. Somewhere along the way they are constantly told they can do no wrong.
The genetic predisposition and the environmental behaviors mix like gas and a flame to create a very toxic human being to be around.
This weekend I received several phone calls because my x sister in law (married to my x husband's brother) is in mental crisis. She has been subjected to this same type of unrelenting abuse. She also is an RN and currently hurling headlong into disability because of it.
She has brought her husband into marriage counseling and the counselor told them both that until the husband believes that he has a problem the couselor would not be able to help them.
There it is. HE DOES NOT BELIEVE HE IS A PROBLEM. Neither does a rabid dog.
My other brother in law (oldest brother to my X husband) lives out in Nevada. Apparently this is a haven for sociopathic behavior because there is a prevailing attitude of "let me do as I want and to heck with the laws".
This free spirit attitude of his has allowed him to beat his wife's head into the concrete pad outside their garage until she was nearly unconcious. She survived and remains with him to this day because she is too afraid to leave him. I agree with her actually. Having known him for so long I don't doubt for two seconds that if she attempts to leave him he will kill her. Restraining orders are not the safety net people think they are. She is so fearful of him that she obtained a concealed weapons permit and she swore that if he ever laid a hand on her again she'd shoot him.
What a great way to live huh?
I pray for the people who don't yet realize how much trouble they are in by continuing to live with such people.
To say "Shame on you" to a sociopath truly is an oxymoron.
Respectfully yours in healing,
Justamama in Minnesota
Does anyone have any suggestions as to what to do if you have a child with a sociopath? I am in the midst of a divorce and have just come across this article and have endured the same abuse and madness for 16 years. Everything is my fault EVERYTHING! I am worried about my daughter and what effect this will all have on her. Does anyone on this blog have children?
Dear Poster dated January 15th, 2009 9:49 AM:
I am "Justamama in Minnesota" please read my post dated January 15, 2009 8:13 AM.
I don't know about "all" sociopaths I only know about my X and his brothers and father. I'm sure it's like anything else in life where they "all" share some very close similarities but each are unique to deal with.
My divorce was just finished. I don't know what state you live in but here in Minnesota I was able to show legal and medical proof of the abuse and he lost custody of the kids. He has a demonstrated history of domestic violence and as such my lawyer sought and won FULL legal and physical custody for me. (yeah).
I have three children and I too worried about the effects this would have on them. I'll share a little advice with you that I came up with along the way...I've had horses my whole life and if you have ever watched a horse run you will notice that the horse runs looking FORWARD. A horse does not run LOOKING BACK! That's what we must do in this situation. What's done is done here. If you truly were/are in a situation like I believe you are, your children have already been effected period.
The most important thing now is to make concrete plans to get out and stay out safely.
Here's another thing I learned along the way...be very, very BORING to the abusive person. If he wants to blame you for everything and starts with his rant just agree with him. Nod your head sincerely and agree don't feed the flames. You don't need to believe a single thing he says here but the idea is to SURVIVE THIS.
Get a restraining order and enforce it every single time he even comes close to breaking it. Watch over your shoulder and never let your guard down because by divorcing this type of person what you are doing is shattering the thin facade that they have built up around them and they will shake the earth around you in a temper tantrum fit you have never witnessed before in order to GAIN CONTROL BACK OVER YOU.
You need the following things:
1).A restraining order and law enforcement.
2). A good lawyer that understands the danger present.
3). A Guardium ad Litem if you feel your children are in danger when alone with him. Or supervised visitations.
4).A safe place to live away from him.
5). COURAGE.
You CAN AND WILL get out of this. Once you get your brain back and begin to come out of this induced fog that these types cloud us in you will understand that NO in fact you are not responsible for everything that went wrong in your marriage.
I also have come up with the "If Only" explanation.
I had to explain this to my X SIL's family this weekend because they are attempting to safely get her out of her marriage to my X's brother,
I told them that throughout your marriage to someone like this you will constantly hear, "If only you were a better mother', If only you kept the house cleaner" If only you planned your work day better you wouldn't show up late to the house" If only you wore makeup and fixed your hair better I would find you sexy, If only you weren't such a lazy cow you wouldn't be so fat, if only you managed your money better we wouldn't be in such debt...the axe keeps swinging let me tell you until FINALLY you are a mental mess and then he finishes you off with "If only you weren't CRAZY then my marriage would be better, if only you weren't NUTS the cops wouldn't have to come here and we wouldn't have this trouble....it never ends.
The thing to really remember here is that while you are busy trying to fix yourself and change to satisfy these completely unrealistic demands, you are missing the real point. The real point is that it doesn't matter what you do or how perfect you are he is an ABUSIVE person and he isn't going to be happy no matter what you do.
It's about the manipulation and control not about achieving some unrealistic demand.
The thing to watch with children is they absorb all of this demented behavior and begin to think it's NORMAL. My oldest son is 18 now and despite absolutely HATING my X husband, my son has picked up a whole lot of his bad behavior. He needs a lot of counseling.
Good luck to you. I will be checking in here often I wish there was more I could do. Sitting where I am now of course my vision is 20/20. At the time I was in all of this I just couldn't see how it was anthing but my fault.
Also you must absolutely get yourself into counseling. Find a support group that understands what you have been living with. I use the word WHAT instead of WHO because I feel these people are monsters. I also feel that unless you have actually encountered one on a personal and close level you just can't fathom that someone could behave like this.
My X is still attempting to gain my trust back and even went so far as to by me a Christmas present this year. These people are not normal and they will never 'get it'.
Most repectfully,
Justamama in Minnesota
I just remembered this and wanted to share it with anyone reading here;
My X husband the sociopath had a looooong history of showing very little emotion, you couldn't get this guy to cry. The only emotion he would show was RAGE. (then giddiness afterward but I'll save that for another day), at any rate over the course of our marriage this became the source of frequent comment by me.
It was very obvious that he had some kind of mental defect or lack of what I would consider 'normal' emotional expression. Back then I hadn't heard of a sociopath. I told him I thought he had autism. This is true and I actually laugh while I'm typing this because now it's so clear to me what is wrong with this guy.
Anyway, just before our final and last seperation he kept asking "Why??" we were getting seperated he just didn't get it. He flat out said he didn't understand what went wrong so I stood there in the kitchen loudly detailing many events of abuse he had inflicted on me and my oldest son over the course of many years.
The man stood there with a completely flat look on his face like he simply did not understand how the abuse was connected to him or connected to why I would be leaving!
I then again told him that he had a severe mental defect and could not seem to feel other people's pain, he is incabable of empathizing other people's suffering even when he had caused it.
To illustrate this to him I grabbed one of his model trains (HE LOVES model trains) and I threw one of the cars down the basement steps and it broke into pieces. He got TEARS IN HIS EYES when I did this to his train.
Now, destroying his train was wrong. I really had no right to take something of his and throw it but I was attemtping to illustrate a point. you see when confronted with the devestation he had inflicted on me and my son he showed no emotion. But when something inanimate that was meaningful to HIM was broken then he actually showed emotion.
I have to say, that was a banner moment. Truly beyond everything he had done up until that point when I saw his reaction to the model train I knew I was not dealing with a sane, safe person.
I got out you can too.
In response to Justamam in Minnesota and to the other person who posted dated January 15
Thank you for all the advise, I am not sure what I am dealing with, this is the closest I have come to in describing my soon to be ex. My abuse was NEVER physical, it was mental and verbal. He would call me every name in the book and tell me I made him do it. If only I would have not pushed him. The funny thing is my husband has asked for the divorce and I have granted it to him, since for the last 7-8 years he has told me I am the misery of his life...he feels if he can get rid of me he will be happy. Now that I am granting him the divorce he won't leave me alone. He comes over and checks my email, my cell phone, my text messages and I think he may have tapped my cell phone. He put a program on my computer where he can read all my emails. He says he has removed it but I don't know. I don't know if you have experienced this but mine is vey impulsive, never thinks anything through and spends like there is no tomorrow. This is the first time in our marriage that I am at home without a job, he decides to move out and is having to stay with a friend while I look for a job, he is so angry and wants me to feel sorry for him that he is sleeping on the floor at a friends house and pay all my bills. He keeps accusing me of not looking for a job and feels I am living the high life and he is providing it. The reality is I have to find a job, deal with my poor daughter who is 7 being devestated, she is in theropy and so am I, and I have to find a place to live since I cannot afford the house. He has told no one about the divorce it is like this big dark secret and he is furious with me for telling people and he thinks I am bad mouthing him. I have tried to make this as easy as possible since there is a level of fear but trying to reason with him is like being held at gun point by a person who has no value for human life. I finally decided yesterday that I am serving him and putting in temporary orders and somehow he found this out. He loves my daughter and is very good to her but at the same time I worry that he will instill his twisted thinking in her when he has her for visitation. I don't think anyone can understand the mental abuse unless you have been there, he really made me believe that everything was my fault. He told me the marriage is ending because I couldn't keep my mouth shut and I started all the fights. I am trying so hard to hold it together and move forward but it is very hard to try and find a job and have him bothering me all the time. Did you notice with your x was he imature? Mine is beyond belief. I will keep checking in frequently thank you so much for responding. By the way I am in Texas.
(Joy) Just a quick comment, I'm off to work soon. I'm an RN. It seems that is a juicy job choice for SP's on the hunt. I also had little physical abuse though at times for no reason, I would get pinched or bitten hard. Not in a playful way , but like a toddler with a tantrum. Also, He loved to yank three or so hairs out of my head at random. Like while we were watching TV or riding in a car. He always stated that he did it cause he was bored. As so the no sex for 5 years was totally to torture me. He knew that I would never cheat on him. Finally, once I filed for divorce, he immediately found himself a girlfriend whom I assume he is having sex with. Once she is completely under his control he will find something to withdraw from her as well. I have no children with him, but he did help raise my 19 yr old son and my 15 yr old daughter. He was always mean or indifferent towards my son, but doted on my daughter to the point that I was jealous of her. He would plan trips out of town for him and her, but my son and me were not invited. Of course, I wouldn't let him take her so we would fight about it. At times, I wondered if he was a pedophile since we weren't intimate and he liked to surround himself with young girls. Now I allow no contact between him and my daughter and she is fine with this. She sees his abuse of me over the years and the fact that he is with this new woman and lied about her and denied her and she is disgusted. If at all possible, keep your kids away. The ex's daughter that he has custody of has stated to me that the feeling thing that other's have she doesn't understand. She is a little SP in the making and I'm sure under Daddy's influence she will learn the ways well. Good luck to all of you. Make yourself as independent as possible and surround yourself with loving friends. I choose not to date, as I don't trust myself to not me a victim again. Maybe some day I will venture into the world of relationships, but for now the peace and quiet and not worrying about pleasing anyone but myself is divine.
(Justamama) Hey Texas! Hello again from Minnesota, I'm going to say that there's been an increase in my panic attacks after reading and posting on this blog site but so far these things haven't killed me so I'm going to keep on trying. I'm hoping by finally understanding what happened I can work my way through my post traumatic stress disorder as well.
I've written this before but I do think it bears repeating, I did not understand what was wrong with the X but I did know something was wrong. After finally finding this site and the information and reading the other stories here this is really the "Ah-ha" moment I've been looking for.
I've read other mental disorders from time to time in the past but they simply did not fit him. This does.
One thing Texas mentioned in her post was the fact that for the first time she was out of a job and then the hubby moves out and wants her to feel sorry for him. WOW. After reading that I begin to wonder if these people aren't hard wired or come pre-programed to behave the same way!
When I finally got my X out of the house for good he rented an apartment in one of the worst buildings in town right on main street. I KNEW he did it for the whole sympathy thing. "Look at me she threw me out and now I have to live here poor me".
I think we should get together and collectively write a movie about these types trouble is I don't think anyone would believe it!
Still living in Minnesota
A sociopath would never admit they are a sociopath... none of u are sociopaths.
(Bell)
Untrue! When you call a sociopath a sociopath, he says, "Thank you."
No they deny it.
Admitting it would completely defeat their purpose/goals.
Anonymous, I think admitting it TO THEIR VICTIMS would defeat their purposes. But admitting it here to people they will never be able to take advantage of might be perfectly acceptable.
(Joy) When you call them out, they tell their Mom and all their friends and say look how crazy and evil she is to say this about me because they are such victims of others abuse never the abuser. Everyone will feel so sorry for them that they have to endure this. I actually had a phone call from the co-worker of my ex call and tell me that the owner of the chain of convenience stores had banned me from 14 locations for saying my ex was abusive to a friend who is an employee. Another employee overheard my commit and is a friend of the new girlfriend. I was actually told that the cops had been notified and if I came on the property that I would be arrested for trespassing. I called the owner and found out that this was all a lie. My ex and his buddy both got in trouble with the owner for doing this. The buddy by the way has no idea that my ex calls him a male prostitute who whores himself out to a rich lady in another town. He calls him her lap dog. This man actually has been dating this woman and they are in a relationship, but my ex has nothing but contempt for this man. Yet he can con him into thinking he is his friend and got him to do something that could have resulted in him losing his job. So sad how they can manipulate everyone into doing their bidding all while feeling nothing for those who think they are such great friends.
(Justamama from Minnesota) I hope I'm posting this correctly here, I haven't caught on yet to how to 'sign up' or whatever.
This is to comment to anonymous on Jan. 16...
I mentioned this before I hope it helps but,
To say "Shame on you" to a sociopath is an oxymoron.
Also, I am currently thinking about designing T-shirts with a picture of a rabid dog on them that says:
The Sociopath: He doesn't think he's a problem.
Neither does a RABID DOG.
(Because to me that's exactly what they are).
And to Joy...keep hanging in there! At least now you can see this man for what he is. Your comment on how he conned a friend into doing something that could have resulted in him losing his job??? This is TYPICAL behavior you know why? Because the sociopath cannot be happy until they have some kind of hold over the people around them.
By getting his 'friend' to do something this serious, then he will always have that little hold on his friend to black mail him with. I was told that these types also do this frequently when there's a divorce on the horizon and they want to win custody of the kids.
They will drag up any drug use, alcohol use ANYTHING they can think of to hold this over the spouse and threaten them with losing their chidren if they attempt to leave.
Every single time I come in here and read more and more stories about these personality types (both male and female) the more frightened I become about how seriously mentally ill my X husband truly is.
These people are like one big psychotic tornado that just keeps swirling and destroying everything and everyone around them.
Maybe psychiatrits should re-name this disorder the TORNADO personality disorder!
Until next time...
I'm still,
Justamama in Minnesota
Wow! Great job everyone....The comment about the TOY TRAIN made me very curious.Can what seems like love toward a child really be that the child is a Possesion (like the train?)I have been to many simular sites but this one stays with the issue and covers ALOT! My SP shows all signs to the extreme except one......
One thing I cant find anywhere is a SP with full custody of son (11yo)that is EXTREMLY overprotective and spends every moment making sure everyone treats the kid like a god.He shows love to the son all of the time and either wont tell him NO at all or on few occations he has taken the belt to him but usually quickly feels bad says sorry.
I cant seem to find info on this Love he shows to his son and rage to anyone who does not give the child anything he wants...
Any ideas????
(Justamama from Minnesota) This is to January 20, 11:14 AM about the SP with custody of the 11 y/o son.
Now, this is just my guess, but my very good guess is this:
1). He obtained full custody by convincing everyone around him including the child's mother that she was completely unfit. I would say this guy is a PROFESSIONAL SP.
2). My GUESS is that this 11 y/o son looks very, very much like the SP or something about him really identifies with the SP. He definitely sees himself in this child and is demanding this special behavior because of it.
3). THE BELT? Come on now...that went out in the '50's so document that next time and call child services. No child should have to live with this.
4). I'm not a doctor but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night! hahahah just joking.
If Adam Kahn would feel free to do so I would very much appreciate reading his thoughts about my x husband from what I've posted here starting back to January 15 8 :13 AM I would very much appreciate it.
I don't talk to the X, and I know he would never in this lifetime go in for counseling or try to get evaluated so I just thought it would be interesting to read your point of view based on what I've written. Thank you.
I think my husband of one year is a sociopath. At first, I thought he just had a sexual addiction. He has been through therapy twice for this in the past 3 years. We are separated as I could not take the cheating, lying, victim playing and lack of partnering. After reading some, I now believe he is a sociopath. It's like my eyes have been opened. I have learned that he marries for money. He works 2 nights a month as a musician. When we met, he was working 7 nights. He lies without blinking an eye. He always has some drama going on that he can use to blame his actions. Responsibility? No long term responsibility. Yes, there is a drug addiction. I know you wonder why I married this guy. He was my soulmate. I thought he couldn't keep up the charade for 3 years. Apparently, he could because he was just that good.. or just that sick. Am I dealing with a sociopath?
I have a 34 yr old daughters who is a sociopath , the bad thing is she has 2 girls 3 and 11 and she treats them really bad . she does drugs in the hous and hits them .I have kept close contact with her just to be close to them.she lies about every thing and does not work but thinks and carries herself like she has money, but she doesent. she cant keep friends ,she steals from all of them, she is drving my son-in-law crazy .she uses his atm without him knowing and then lies aboutit. i figured her out when she was 17. she would steal from me and at the time she had an anger problem,any thing would make her mad.i begin to observer her and never trusted her again. call the police doesnt work shes a charmer, no one believes me,because she has her lies to a down to a t. i just stay away and keep an eye on my granddaughters so they know not all of us are like theit mom.
(NUMB)Thank you Justamama.....for the first time someone else has the same thery about his treatment of his son...his N traits are extended to his son. It is like he is an extension of himself.The child is a very gifted athlete so he feels that everyone should worship him and no coach,teammate etc will ever measure up.He even told me once that I should be honored to be in his presance and anyone that ever trys to hurt the child will die by an act of God.
I do not know how he has full custody and the mother only sees him breifly a couple times a year. She was a addict and in rehab so I guess he used that with her but I am sure there was no official custody hearing....
One thing I noticed is that I am expected to treat the son like a king especially when it comes to food. 4 full meals a day and any snacks he wants. Any thing I do for my kids is expected to be doubled with his.But when I am away he neglects the boy in the same areas....he sleeps all day and expects boy to feed himself whatever is around the house.
As far as his S traits....any comment by anyone to confirm my suspsions would be great:
1. Thinks he and son are more gifted at athletics than anyone around. He feels he has a special talent for gambling and can win everytime.(He actually wins more than anyone I have ever heard of, Jackpot everytime he trys)Also thinks all women want him.
2.Drug and Gambling addiction.
3.Lived with me for 8 mo paid no rent and only half that time contributed to food for he and son.Said I had cost him thousands at casino (I dont gamble)somthing about messing up his call by not being with him???
4.Only works when he feels like it(self employed tile setter)leaves many jobs unfinished.
5.Wants to grow weed for a living and gamble. So I helped him find a place away from my house to do his own thing. Now I have the son every night whether he is there or not.And he cant pay anything back to me because he had to spend it all on getting the place "I made him get".
6.Not many relationships...all less than 2 years. Does say he loved one of them......
7.He does seem to care about his parents but they have always helped him out of $ trouble if he has no other option.
8.Has a couple long term freinds that I dont see any gain from, only friends.
9.Fits of rage (usually over son not getting somthing)but it is usually short lived.
Any comments welcome.....NUMB
Dear Numb,
Reading through your list of S traits, I felt that I could be reading about my husband. He:
1. is a musician and only works 2 nights a month (was working 6 nights a week when we got married)
2. has multiple affairs going on at one time. believes all women want him and tells me it comes with the territory of being a musician
3. lies without remorse
4. gets mad about little things and is known for having a short fuse
5. grows in the shed out back
6. thinks he is the best musician in town, even though he doesn't get any gigs. he charges more than any other musician because, "hes' a professional"
7. his daughter comes for 2 weeks in the summer and I am to be at her beck and call. she's 26, weighs 350 pounds and does not have a job. i have to carry her around in my car and pick up her restaurant bills
8. visited his mother twice daily while she was in rehab but now that she is home, he doesn't even feed her on a regular basis. he had affairs with two of the aides at the rehab
9. neglected to pay property taxes on the house
Get the picture? I'm to go this coming Friday to get my belongings from his house. I'm taking a group of friends and family with me. In the meantime, I awake at night having panic attacks thinking about it.
Hi Momma and Numb. Momma thanks for your support. I'm doing well at present. My ex leaves me alone since getting in trouble with the boss and me talking with the Magistrate. Plus his new girlfriend has to become the new wife here shortly so he's busy getting that deal sealed up tight so that her awesome fun can begin as she learns the true nature of her lover.As to children, my ex has custody of his daughter. We had lived 5 houses apart for several years when the childs Mom was busted for Meth in Oregon. She was placed in foster care since she had never met Dad and had been told her whole life that Dad was dead by her Mom. Since he was paying a tiny sum of child support he was located. He asked me to take him back into my home. Mine was nicer. His was an old run down farm house that belongs to his boss and which he lives in rent free in exchange for small maintenance repairs to residence. My ex had always stated that he loved me, but couldn't live with me due to too much closeness making him anxious and of course a man in your bed makes you want sex and that could never happen.He claimed to want to be a family and to provide a stable normal home for his child and to make him look better since he has a long criminal history in Oregon he had to have someone with a clean history to inflate his appearance. As an honor student studying nursing I nicely padded his Daddy status. So he got her with my help and the world became about her. My daughter who had been his universe, he always avoided my son, was suddenly a non entity in his world. And of course he wanted me to pay all the bills and in my bed I couldn't so much as touch him without complaints to behave and get off cause he was hot tired or whatever. I kicked him back down the street to the farm house. One of the neighbors called social services about the child crying at night and him leaving her alone at night. He was able to sweet talk his way out of it all. It turns out that i now believe that he was having his affair at night away from home while his daughter was sleeping. He has a violent temper and likes to yell when he is frustrated with her behavior. That's what the neighbor's heard. But he still has her and has managed to turn her against her Mom so that she has no contact with her or her brothers who have other Dads. I stated before that his daughter has said that she doesn't have the feeling thing. She bonds with everyone instantly but sucks them dry with her need for love and constant displays of affection. Yet she has an attachment disorder and never really bonds with anyone. Since our split she doesn't see or talk with me yet she thought of me as Mom. She is spotted by friends always clinging to her new Mommy's hand when out with her and Dad. Small town so everyone knows my business and like to report back to me. Hope this offers some insight.
(Eric) Admitting it would defeat my purpose? What exactly is my purpose? Don't answer questions to which you have no concrete knowledge of the subject.
(Bell) Eric, I hope you know that making it about you personally is sociopathic! Maybe you can settle the question for us -- So, what would you do if somebody confronted you? What would be your response be if somebody said, "Eric, you're a sociopath!"?
(Justamama from MN) How's about this? I WON'T direct this to "Eric" because this ISN'T about him and he has NO CONTROL over this forum or anything else in his life.
NO CONTROL wow that's gotta be a scary thing huh? And further more I have a very high IQ, I'm smart enough to know that Eric has NO CONTROL over this situation or any other situation in his life for that matter.
Top that off with the knowledge that there are millions of people out there who are even smarter than me!! (imagine that) and they all know that Eric has NO CONTROL over his life or this forum. Hummmm. That must really make him angry to know he has no control.
Eric does have control of things in his life and the lives of others, but others allow him to have that control. The thing that still bugs me about all this is that I allowed myself to be a victim. Sure I got conned, but I can't honestly say that there were not huge red flags of warning. Too many ex wives, no relationships with his kids, criminal past with drug use, the ability to pick up and move from west coast to east coast with only a travel bag of belongings to his name at the age of 35, and early on the physical abuse cause he was bored, the emotional abuse, and the no responsibility for any of his life issues. We can't say that Eric doesn't have some control in this forum, because many of us address him personally and even responding by saying he has no control makes him the topic and gives him control at that moment. It's like when you pull a tooth, you still keep putting your tongue in the socket and probing cause it's habit. Eric posting here has been insightful for me, but if he stopped that would fine, too. I would love to see how we all progress in the future. It seems we are here fresh from the pain of awakening from our individual nightmares. It would great to hear how people are healing. Who has moved on to a great new friendship, career, or a loving relationship with a real partner and not the poor substitutes we have all become accustomed to? I am about to move into my dream home at the end of the month. I accomplished this alone without the ex, and I'm proud that there are many things that I would have relied on him for in the past that I know that I can do alone now. I also successfully drove myself to work in a major snow storm this week and that was a huge deal for me since we rarely see snow and I would normally fear this type of thing. Let's share our successes no matter how seemly small as we venture toward healthy relationships and independence. It's great that we share the horror of our situations from the past because we need to show that we are not alone in becoming victims to these types, but also we need to show others and ourselves how to heal and how to trust again. The moment we stop believing or succeeding is the moment that they will have gained the ultimate control.
(Justamama)Joy, I agree we need to share our successes. I think sometimes I want to share the bad things because I can't believe it myself and maybe by sharing it I am attempting to understand it? I just don't know.
Success for me is to put this ex husband of mine out of my mind.
During Christmas I mentioned that he bought my oldest son and I both Christmas presents and then took that as an opportunity to start calling me when he felt like it. My restraining order against him expired just before Christmas and I didn't renew it.
So I guess my small success is understanding that even after everything we have been through this guy STILL is attempting to gain back a foothold in my household, STILL attempting to fool me so that's my success. Seeing him for what he is.
I'm shaking my head while I write this because I still can't get over the idea that I was so blind sided by this guy.
Mama I so feel what you're going through. Yesterday we pull into a parking lot and the ex was parked a few cars down. He saw us and came to stand in front of our car. My Mom, my daughter, and I were on our way to eat at Subway. A half hour earlier we had seen my ex on a ladder changing gas prices. My mom had asked if she should blow the horn and wave. I told her absolutely not we were to ignore him. She started talking about how he looked good like he had lost weight and how she was glad he seemed happy. My daughter told her he looked like he was gaining weight and how could she tell he was happy from looking at his back up a ladder. Mom said she hoped he was happy. I told her if she wanted to make me happy blow the horn and startle him and maybe he would fall and break his neck and do the world a favor. She got all nostalgic about how he must miss us and think about us. I replied that only if he was trying to plot his next act of revenge or how to con us again. I made it clear that we never knew him and that he never cared about any of us. So what does dear old Mom do with him standing in front of us. She jumps out of the car rushes up to him and starts telling him about her day. My daughter and I ignored him and walked into Subway. Five minutes later my Mom is still outside laughing and chatting with this man. I stuck my head out the door and asked her what she thought she was doing. She acted totally clueless and asked was she not suppose to speak to him. No contact is what I have said from the beginning. When I see him I do not speak to him. If he says hey, I say hey back dispassionately as though nodding to a stranger in passing as that is what he is. But my Mom validated him and his abusing me, using me, and cheating on me by being ultra friendly. Now he will feel free to engage her anytime he wants. He got his foot back in the door. He had been going to her place of business and seeking her out to pass info on to me about his life. I don't want to hear about his life or have him fed info on mine. She had been avoiding him or being distant and unfriendly but now that she has acted nice to change her behavior would only say to him that he is causing drama in my house and that I'm controlling everyone. That is really not what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to keep a predator out of my life. I told her to go ahead and be friendly but to never speak of any aspect of mine or my daughter's life to him. Does Adam have any thoughts? I did read your article to my Mom and she claims to get it now. But we have been down this road before and my Mom is elderly and has always had impulse control issues. She always stated that he was horrible to me, but she blames me for staying and he claims to her that he told me that he didn't love me a long time ago. He never told me that. He played the pity game and played on my Christian virtues to make me feel that I had a duty to stay his wife since he loved me, couldn't help his issues, and was faithful to me. Trust me Mama I know how it feels to blame yourself for not seeing what was right before your eyes. And I know how it feels to have that part of yourself that wants to make excuses for their behavior and to not fully believe what we know they are. It is so outside the realm of who we are that it is hard to wrap your head around how these people live and function in their relationships with others. The only thing that helps me is to constantly repeat that I never knew him. Keep feeling that pride that you're no longer blinded by illusions he displays. That is truly a victory for all of us to celebrate.
(Justamama) Joy, you are really doing wonderful!
I can tell from reading the above post that you DO see this guy for what he is. Your mom and my mom were separated at birth I think. I do not for the life of me understand their need to hope that this other person is doing well and chat it up with them if they see them other than that age group was taught to 'be nice'.
Also my belief is that somewhere deep down inside, these mom's in this category believe that it is somehow still our fault, they were taught to know their place in their marriage you know.
My "NO contact rule" with my children is as such, I tell them when they return from their parental visit that they can tell me all about where they went, what they did but I DO NOT want to hear about their father in the same way as if they went to a friend's birthday party they would want to tell me about the party and what they did but they wouldn't have a desire to tell me about the parent's of the friend.
I would also love to read what the doctor on here has for insight as far as no contact. What I don't get is that me and my family do not seek this guy out to speak to him because we do not want to but holy crap he sure seeks out any opportunity to STILL try to get his foot back in the door. It's truly beyond comprehension what kind of drive and motivation compells them to continue this behavior in the face of the facts.
Also, I just got off the phone with my XSIL who is married to my X's brother. She was crying on the phone and has turned to alcohol and prescription medications to dull her pain and she currently is in mental crisis with family and psychological involvement. Her husband (my X's brother) is identical in his controlling behaviors.
The more mentally distraught she becomes the more he points his finger at her and declares to her family and his "You see? I told you she was nuts!". These words must be hard wired in thier brain because my X said the EXACT same thing to me and my family when we went through this.
It's too bad that nature doesn't somehow produce a flourescent orange bullseye on these people's forehead that says DANGER! DANGER! Tornado personality inside!!!
I'm exhausted after talking to her. She's a loooong way from getting out and she is still blaming herself despite her cries for help.
Until next time...
I truly am hoping for your and mine and anyone else's continued road to health,
Justamama
Wow I have been searching for a site like this for awhile. I must give the background history first so this may be a little long. In 2004 my youngest sister was in ICU and not expected to live so after some intense digging I found a good contact number for my older sister. (we had not talked for 4-5 years due to her posting my childrens faces, my address, and stating my husband was a convicted child molestor which he is not)I felt she had a right to know about he younger sister bad blood or not. Biggest mistake of my life. I have always know she was different because many times she would gather your trust and then exploit what you had said to her in all kind of ways. But back to 2004 she was the only sibling to go into the room with my mom when my sister was taken off life support and I am not sure she even cried when they came out. Well things went so fast but she & mom started talking again as they had not talked for the same about of time as me due to her actions on the net. I figure hell give her another chance. I kick myself in the ass everyday for this. she moved on the same street as my mother and interjected herself right in. Mom is raising my niece and nephew and is 60 and not the greatest health. SO she had made herself so available to my mother and if my mother has ms do something she acts weird. Case in point my mother moved and she was having trouble because of a back surgery so I drove to her home 20 miles away 3-4 times a week to help her put things away and get the house in one piece. (mom said she didnt want her there cause she drives her nuts) Well as I was there my sister called and found this out and mom told her i was helpping put stuff awasy the statement was made o really well I gotta go you made you choice and hung up on mom. She never misses any opportunity to cause problems with me and mom and with my baby sister and they both fall for it. NOT ME!! If I see her more than 2 times a year it is too many. This final statement is pushing the envelope tho. MY little sister had surgery last week. My sister, my mom, me and my sisters boyfriend were waiting as it was a major surgery.All day long we had to listen to bullshit (in one ear out the other) until just before my sister is going to her room she claimed I am running a fever I have to go home~~~ how funny is that? She sits all day long making my life miserable and then when my sister gets to go to her room she is deathly is. Well I dont know if this is a normal thought or not. I had a passing thought that she stayed at the hospital just until she knew my sister did not die on the table (we will be inheriting a small sum of money when my mom passes however she is cut out of the will)BUt anyway the thought was that she came to the hospital not to offer support but to be there if she did not make it becasue it was high risk. Yesterday I went to see my sister that had the surgery and she had the exact same thought. What was she going to do wait for me to DIE?? How is it two sister have the same feel about the other sister? M huge concern is my niece and newphew who my mom is raising she allows the kids to go to her house and they always come back with tales. Mom says it gives her a break but at what cost? Any help or adivice anyone has please post back.
I was in a relationship with a man for 1 1/2 years whom I am pretty sure is a sociopath, in fact... the last time I saw him he said "In case you haven't figured it out, I'm a sociopath" I feel really dumb for not recognizing it sooner than I did, and then after I figured it out I still tried to "fix" him.
He dumped me unexpectedly one night and is currently incarcerated and awaiting trial for doing something really horrible to someone. It was all over the news and internet, I see his face all the time now and every so often he is on the local news as he proceeds through pretrial after pretrial for his crimes.I found out that he had cheated and during our time together he had committed crimes and been to court several times, I viewed his police file and was in total shock.
I can't seem to let this go, my feelings for him were so deep and real. I can't sleep and I cry all the time and it has been a year since he left me and almost 7 months since the crime that he is currently being convicted of.
I think maybe I need therapy, I don't want to seem like a whiner but I struggle daily to deal with this, it's really affecting me on an emotional level.It doesn't help that people are still contacting me and asking me about his trial and occasionally complete strangers will bring up his case and ask me if I heard about the Guy who did "such and such" and what do I think.
I feel like my life will never be normal again, I'm so sad.....
(Justamama) Dearest "So Sad";
I'm going to quote something you wrote:
"I can't seem to let this go, my feelings for him were so deep and real."
Of course your feelings are real because you are not a sociopath. Just because he was lying doesn't diminish your feelings.
Also, (and this is simply my humble opinion) I personally believe one of the main reasons we are so destroyed by these people is because they are unbelievably good at connecting with what we want to hear and what we need.
Because they are so good at telling us what we want to hear and getting us to believe they are what we need we often see them as our soul mate. Why wouldn't we feel connected? We are actually feeling connected to our own deepest thoughts and emotions not theirs.
I think of them almost as human mirrors. They are not stating back to us their own emotions they are stating back to us OUR emotions.
What is more familiar than ourselves? What is more comforting then than the familiar? This is also (my opinion) as to why it is so easy to fall for the sociopath in such a short period of time. We are not falling for the sociopath we are falling in love actually with the reflection of ourselves that they are showing us. It feels so familiar, so comfortable, so right. Why not?
That is why over and over again you see people who say "Wow, it was as if I had known him/ her all my life, we moved in together after only 2 weeks".
I don't know if I'm getting what I'm thinking about this across clearly.
What I want to really hopefully get across to you is that I very deeply understand your anguish at having so loved this person and then found out that you were betrayed.
I considered my self quite street wise and that this man could slide up to me and marry me without me going on high alert and getting rid of him really, really bothers me to the core of my being. It pulls the rug right out from under your feet and you just don't feel like if you do manage to stand up again that the rug is going to EVER hold again.
If this guy is as well known as you mentioned then it sounds to me like he was very good at fooling everyone and at least you aren't alone in the boat. I hope that gives you some comfort.
Also, I'm not going to refer to you as "So Sad" anymore because now it's time to move forward so let's think of a positive name for you ok? Any suggestions?
Having a better day,
Justamama in Minnesota
Mama once again you are dead on right about our relationships. They are what we want to see reflected before ours eyes. The personafication of our deepest desires and when it changes and their true self starts to emerge it is who wished they were that we still love and hold on to. That is why it is so important to say We never knew them. There is a song by Kate Voegele called I still love who I wish you were. I think that our friend's new name should be (I'm so lucky)because she is. She was not the victim of this crime that her man committed because she could have been or she might have been in the wrong place at the wrong time and found herself an unknowing participant. That she is not implicated or the victim of his crimes is truly something to celebrate. We need to stop blaming ourselves because when we loved them we loved a part of our selves that they were projecting back. We never loved them because we never knew them. I suggest that Lucky turn off her tv, read good books, and never look at a headline on a newspaper for awhile. When people bring him up tell them that he was a stranger to you that you thought you knew if they know your history. If it's a stranger just say that is so sad that you can't even bear to discuss it because really you can't. And life as we know it will never be the same, we can not help but be changed. I had a funeral for my ex. I gathered all his sweet letters, cards, photos etc. and dumped them in his mailbox.I recommended this but suggest that you burn your stuff. I wrote a thank you note for the good that he brought into my life that I keep as the only reminder of him. It was hard but I found some good. I know now that I want a man who isn't afraid to live and love passionately and who likes to laugh out loud a lot. Things I never had with him, but know that I need to be true of any future partner. Had that been a criteria from the start of our relationship he would not have had a chance for long. We will recover, we will move on to better things, It will take time and we will never be the same. But we will be smarter, safer, and better more compassionate people for what we have been through.
(Justamama) Joy! I LOVE your advice on this and the new name! I agree completely! If She's in agreement and likes it too then it's a done deal!
Hello "I'm so Lucky"!!
I'm going to get that song I think that Kate must have known exactly what we are talking about!
Have a great weekend all!!! (Even you sociopaths) ahahahaaa!
(pSP) Hello, I have been looking for a website like this for a while to find a little clarity in my life. I believe it is very possible that I am a sociopath. I am currently seeing a psychologist with strong Christian beliefs who denies the existence of sociopathy and believes that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My entire life I have been very manipulative and cunning and when I was about 14 (grade 9) I began to detach myself from others and use them for my own use. I have never had a close friend that lasted more than 2 years although I usually have a "best" friend at all times. After looking through some websites on how to determine a sociopath I realized that I had 9/10 symptoms and in some cases all. I truly do not feel remorse for my actions, I cannot stand authority figures or anyone telling how to live my life, I often fantasize about killing people I do not like, I have had small problems with the law but never anything very serious, I have a gift in reading people and knowing their thoughts, feelings, desires and how to control their behaviour, and I view relationships as a game, where there is always a winner, never a balance. It also seems that wherever I go there are people wanting me to hear their most personal secrets and feelings; people often trust me in a short period with extremely delicate and sensitive issues such as being molested or having a child that no one knows about. Not only this, but people seem to constantly ask me for advice on everything you can imagine and trust my answers. To those of you hating on sociopaths and saying we deserve to die may I remind you that I had no say in being this way. The majority of the time I am glad that I lack traditional emotions and can cruise through life effortlessly and stress free. However I often feel sad, I do not think it is depression and I cannot explain in words how I feel. It is more of a disgust for human life and the decisions they choose to make. My psychologist believes I have become immune to feeling any emotions but I am not sure if this is true. Also, I noticed that many of you people posting believe that sociopaths are alwyas trying to screw you over every chance they get, but with me this isn't the case. There are some people that consider me a great friend and an amazing guy while others have confronted me about being a sociopath as if I can give a professional diagnosis of elaborate personality disorder. I do feel that I show charm and goodness to some just to appear normal and experience a normal life but I simply cannot be this way all the time, I have a strong urge to break people down and control that never goes away. I also choose to make people see who I want them to see, if I want someone to view me as a good person, they will, if it doesn't matter then I do not refrain from being myself. I also constantly see how far I can take things, how far I can push things before a consequence is shown and then use my charm to talk my way out of it, like a game. If anyone has any real knowledge on this subject I am willing to listen, if you are making uneducated guesses I do not have time to read your replies.
(Justamama)
I do have real knowledge on this subject and after reading your post here's my thoughts.
I believe that you were severely abused and neglected as a baby and a child and you learned to 'read' people in order to survive.
The persons who abused you were not very intelligent and had poor coping mechanisms in life and this is among other reasons is why they struck out/ sexually, mentally, physically at you.
There in lies the difference (in my opinion) as to why you are NOT a sociopath. You were born with normal emotions and feelings but after being BROKEN emotionally by those around you, you learned that in order to survive you became a keen observer of those you encounter in life.
We ALL are manipulators of our environment. We have to be in order to survive. I also don't believe that the fantasy to kill is that uncommon. Particularily when someone has hurt you. The fact that you recognize these are FANTASIES (you don't refer to them as thoughts or plans) tells me volumes about the fact that you DO suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and you DO suffer greatly from depression.
In my humblest of opinions you feel like you are on the outside looking in. You are in some great company Bruce Springsteen felt the same way.
If I were in your shoes (and I have been) I would seek help. There are definitely medications out there to elevate your mood successfully so that you can begin to deal with the underlying problems of why you have numbed your emotions toward others.
I will say this about myself, I have a very sensitive nature and have been let down by the very people I loved the most. My mistake has been that I give unconditionally and love and am LOYAL. I have found that receiving this same gift from other people is difficult. After you have been hurt enough times you DO detach because it's vital for survival.
But, underneath all of this you express depression which really tells me that you have a sorrow for the fact that you cannot form relationships with people at this time in your life.
PLEASE get more help.
I'm living proof that the sun really does come up the next day, that the birds do sing, that life CAN AND DOES get better. One day at a time.
P.S. Even small children play games with those around them and test boundries and push people's buttons. I think it's because of lack of communication skills personally. If you don't KNOW where you stand then you push buttons until you DO know where you stand. This unto itself I don't believe is a sociopathic problem.
A TRUE sociopath (in my opinion) eats people up as a passion the way I eat cotton candy. Their no remorse feelings is not a concious disconnect like "F@#% them" no, but rather they do not even have the cabability to consider the other person's feelings. There is a difference.
By the way, if other people think you are a great guy??...maybe it's because you ARE a great guy!!! (did ya think of that?)
Hang in there, please come back and tell us how you are doing.
To pSP, I'm a psych nurse, though I admit that I've only been one for 2 yrs. So I see a lot of people diagnosed as SP, PTSD, and Anti social personality disorder. Without a more detailed account of your earliest childhood feelings and how you were raised, I would only be guessing. My thoughts are that you do sound like you could be a SP, but that is based solely on your current actions. As to Mama's statement about SP's passion for eating people up, I agree it seems this way to us. I think that it is possible that SP's can't control their boredom or that being alone forces them to face their inner emptiness so to avoid their own discomfort they seek another victim, but maybe think that this next person won't be a victim but a savior. Once they see the new victim has no magic quality to change them it becomes business as usual. Maybe, I'm just hoping that all SP's don't set out to hurt everyone though they ultimately do. I know my ex cannot at any time be without a woman in his life. And not just friends or a casual date. He has to have a "girlfriend", fiancee, or wife. Someone totally involved with him. That is why there is always infidelity at the first sign of his marriages failing. As to being a great guy because others think you are, That is hard to determine. If you always seek to exploit or control that is very SP like behavior. If you have moments of authentic feelings, but the discomfort makes you act differently maybe that is something else. My ex is viewed as a great guy, a great dad, and a great employee. He has risen to the rank of a supervisor of 14 convenience stores even though he has been convicted of robbery, kidnapping of the store employees, and assault with a deadly weapon in a state far from here. He is the man called out to assist the police and the victims when his current stores are robbed at night. How ironic is that? And of course only the owner of the stores knows his history not his fellow employee's who for the most part like him. There are some people who hate him because he lords his power over others and is very disrespectful at times. He is rude and arrogant. He never covers his mouth when he sneezes, never uses social nicety like saying excuse me, and never apologizes for anything. So to diagnose someone is a work of time spent together. You are seeking help with a professional so what is the motive? Are you wanting to change? or are you wanting to improve your game? A true SP would avoid help or seek it as a resource only to improve the game. And I think it is important to remember that SP personality is a spectrum disease. You can be a little or a lot. That is why some torture and kill and some destroy lives in more subtle ways through failed relationship and exploitation. Hope this helps you some. As to our thoughts of wanting SPs dead, remember that most of us are fresh from the pain of years of lies, manipulation, and abuse. We simply want to breath freely and not see other people victimized and the only way for most of us to realize that sort of peace is to remove the SP from our lives and death is a permanent removal, a total closure though most of us will have to accept that our SP's will happily continue to live and exploit others. I almost feel guilty for being happy that mine has a new toy, but then she chose to cheat with a married man so in some ways she will get her just desserts when the tables are turned, and she sees who was really to blame for the problems in my marriage. Keep us posted with your progress and is it possible that one of your parents was an SP? And if you are a SP, you could always choose to find a remote location and live a private hermitlike existence. But we would never be so lucky as to convince an SP to give up the game.
First thing first, great way to blanket anyone who may be suffering from anything from borderline personality disorder to bipolar disorder to schizophrenia or some other mental illness as being sociopaths. People with various mental disorders could have any or most of the traits you described. The defining trait is severe emotional regulation to the point where no real emotion can be felt. INCLUDING ANGER.
Either way, if you love someone and they are ill in some way you try to get them help not just throw them away like some used toy. Now of course if someone is being very abusive you should just cut ties for your own safety. If not, try to get them help. They don't want help? Yeah, that's definitely a sign of a sociopath! *cough* sarcasm *cough*. Most people do not want the burden and stimga that goes along with having a mental illness. Have YOU ever been diagnosed with a mental disease? Or do you just simply play doctor online? (LOL)
You lack credibility. I mean look at some of the articles on your main website. "Become More Likeable And Popular" << GREAT self-help there! Why don't you try to help people become more comfortable in their own skin instead of trying to make them into something they're not? Isn't that what you're against in your sociopath article? Contradictions abound!
Show us your credentials or put up a disclaimer that you're not a psychologist or a psychiatrist before you play doctor and have confused people play along with you. Just a thought.
Feel free to email me at nstamand at gmail dot come :)
I think my daughter is a sociopath. What do you do when it's your own daughter? I have been through years of hell with her, but I cannot give up on her. I am sure my ex-husband is one as well. I know all to well what it is like to live with this condition. I developed depression about 7 years ago because of it and have severe anxiety now. When you live with poeple who have the disorder, it will turn you into someone you were not before......
Anonymous, you say your daughter might be a sociopath, but you "cannot give up on her."
You can, and you eventually will or if she is a sociopath she will ruin your life. It is unwise to declare a decision you have made as if it is a forgone conclusion. It is a decision YOU have made, and YOU can make a different decision.
You're in a tough spot. This is the most harsh and difficult thing anyone ever writes about this subject: What about when it is your own child? It is the question for which there is no answer.
But if your daughter is a sociopath, and if sociopaths cannot change, and if they don't really care about anyone, and if they will take advantage of anyone who will let them, then your choice is between sacrificing your life for the sake of a sociopath daughter or giving up on her and going on with your life, it seems the sensible choice would be to give up.
But I acknowledge that such a decision would be nearly as heartbreaking for a normal person as seeing your own daughter destroy you.
Good luck to you.
(pSP) Just thought I would give more background info and clear some stuff up... I was never sexually abused or severely abused as a child. My father however, had an unimaginable temper and believed that spanking and physical pain created well behaved boys. I was never beaten badly, never enough for others to notice it in public. My brother on the hand fought me every day, and this is not a hyperbole i really do mean every day. As for the lack of intelligence in my family, this is untrue; my father and mother have both graduated from university and my brother is believed to have an IQ of over 150. This is why I think there may be a link between sociopathy and depression with intelligence. I believe that my father and his father are very plausible candidates for Anti-Social Personality Disorders whereas my mother is appears quite loving. My father has experienced trauma throughout his life and suffers from depression and my brother has attempted suicide in which he blames me. But this did not bother me, I believe I was already immune to feelings or had none so my life continued as if nothing happened, I was also the one that discovered by brother after his attempt. As my parents carried him downstairs all I thought about was the possessions he owned that would be mine if he died and how I could use this emotional trauma to my advantage. I began to secretly hope he was dead. I never visited him at the hospital and when he returned I constantly told him to kill himself or made fun of his apparent weakness. I never once thought about how this was affecting my family, I only cared about how it would affect me. I have read that it is around age 15 that sociopaths truly develop and display sociopathic traits but it is very hard for me to tell if I just inhabited PTSD at this coincidental time. I have complete control over my emotions, so much that I often wonder if I really have emotions or I am just aware of what emotion I should be feeling, and this is why I can control it, because in reality I do not possess this emotion. I chose to show the emotion that best suits the personality I want someone to see. I also do not believe that I have developed this skill, from my experience I have always had it. At age 4 I could read body language quite well and determine when people were lying and exaggerating, which every 4 year old does. I chose to enter counselling with absolutely no intention on changing but because I was curious as to what the psychologist's intelligence was, what he would diagnose me as, and to see if I could alter his thoughts in my favour. I basically went into counselling as a game, to test the psychologist's intelligence and see his professional tactics at getting people to trust him. After one session i concluded that I was more intelligent than him but chose to continue seeing him to further learn about psychology. Looking back at my family's history I would have to say that they all seem to be incredibly intelligent but have some type of disorder, whether it be drug addiction, alcoholism, depression, PTSD or being a sociopath. From both sides of my family they also seem to be quite violent and volatile. My immediate as well as my joined family believe that I am the gifted one in the family, the most intelligent and charismatic one that can do anything in life if I wanted to and I believe I can, so why do I sit back and laugh as I ruin people's lives? Do I do it for pleasure and obsession or because it makes me feel powerful in a life that has made me believe I was inferior and this is how I work out my issues? It is impossible to know in my opinion because if it is sociopathy then I do it simply because I enjoy it and if it's PTSD I do it to make myself feel better... They both suggest a similar pleasure do they not? Also I made my family sound quite horrible I am aware but they also did do a lot of good things, moreso my mother than my father but I am aware I was not an easy child to raise. Anyway any intelligent responses will be read.
I suggest that the label is less important than the impact of the individual on others lives. It doesn't really matter what something is called. If a person or situation is ultimately bad for you, how you deal with it and grow and heal is far more important. The question that I would ask those who wonder or call themselves SP is; now what? What is your grand plan for life? Do you intend to seek more victims or are you willing to avoid others to cause less harm? A true SP will feel it is their destiny in life to teach the rest of us a lesson of pain and destruction simply because we can feel and they cannot. We are at odds and therefore enemies forevermore. I also wonder if coming here for them is about finding help or answers or if our stories of pain and disillusionment are a pleasure source for them between victims. I personally have found that sharing my story and support with others like myself who "get it" in a way that my friends and family cannot helps me feel better. If I can help or support one person, it gives purpose to what I have endured.
Anonymous with the daughter who she thinks is a sociopath. My mother is going through the exact same thing. My sister will do and say horrible things to her and about her but she refuses to walk away from her. My mother lost a child four years ago after telling the child no she couldnt stay with her and now she feels this intense amount of guilt about cutting my sister out of her life. She plays the what if game. I have tried to tell her to call my sister on her games and lies and horrible things she says but my mom chooses to ignore it and pretend it isnt happening. Enabling the behavior to continue at others expense. My sister uses people until they can be used no more then casually throws them away like trash and moves on to the next victim she can suck the life out of. I have been seeing a phyciatrist for over a year now and I think part of my issues stem from her & my mother. I accept that and distance myself from the situation as much as possible however my mother seems to think since we are sisters we absolutely should love one another which I can honestly say I do not love my sister. I do not hate her either I pity her and what she is and what she will never have in her life and that is to feel emotion. Not just pretend emotion. Also I posted under anonomyous about three posts ago so if you want to check out my story it is there.
Justamama and Joy:
Thank you both for your words of wisdom, I have truly taken them to heart. I am so glad I stumbled across this website! I am not a foolish or needy woman, in fact this man had to pursue me for months, I didn't make it easy for him as I really wasn't looking for a relationship, but we seemed to have so much in common and he seemed to understand me more than anyone. He also told me the same, that I was more understanding than any other woman and that he never trusted women but I had earned his trust.
I need to burn or throw away the few items I have left from him, his pictures, poems I wrote him, flowers he gave me...all of it needs to go but I am still having a hard time letting go. Why I feel like I need to hold on to these bad memories I haven't a clue.
I think you are right about my new name because I am Soooo very lucky. I have since found out that he abused past girlfriends, apparently I never made him angry enough. I told my mom the hardest part of all of this is I still love who I thought he was, makes me want to go find that song you spoke of! I am horrified by the person I now know he is, and I feel so sad deep inside that the person he harmed will never be the same, he disfigured them for life and left them for dead over a verbal disagreement...that could have been me, it makes me shudder to think about it.
Thank you again, I feel like I have finally found a place and people who truly understand my feelings, so far my friends and mom just keep telling me to get over it, he is a monster so just go on with my life. Not as easy as they make it out to be but I'm trying really hard.
Sincerely,
"I'm so Lucky" :)
Dearest pSP;
So much for your sociopathic manipulation. The post stating that you had an abusive childhood gained exactly the response I had hoped for and you wrote volumes about your family and even came to their defense.
Your anger is palbable even on the written page.
Aside from the nearly singular run-on sentence that you wrote the most revealing statement came at the very end;
"Anyway, any intelligent responses will be read".
How would you manage to decide which responses would be UNintelligent without reading them? Are you psychic as well as being sociopathic?
I don't believe you are sociopathic at all. I think you are just one more of the thousands of hot headed guys out there filled with self importance from being spoiled as a child. Most likely drinking too many energy drinks.
It's one thing to be a sociopath it's a whole other thing to WANT to be thought of as a sociopath.
Take off the black nail polish and goth clothes and join the real world. No one is really afraid of you just because you walk around saying "BOO" to everyone all the time.
The TRULY?? scary people in this life??? look like everyone else.
What do you do when your 12 year old Godson is diagnosed as a sociopath? His mother is overwhelmed, depressed and afraid of him. His father is a pedifile, exposes him to violence and pornography...and the therapist suggests that she just give him to the father. PLEASE HELP!!!
And we are to believe that a licensed therapist that knows the child is exposed to a pedophile and violence and pornography suggests to give the child to the father?
I smell fish in Denmark.
I also marvel at how this child was diagnosed at the age of 12 as a sociopath when the diagnostic criteria is that the person must be at least age 18 and have displayed this behavior since the age of 15.
Nice try.
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