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Featured Comment
"I have been married for twenty years to a man who lies, shows no emotion, had no interest in his children etc. I knew something was very wrong with him but could not put my finger on it, or knew there was a name for it. I found out he has been having sex with prostitutes and a lot of them for most if not all of our marriage. He is a Sociopath. He feels nothing for no one, is selfish, and could care less who he hurts.
"If you meet a man and he gives you clues that he might be a sociopath, run. Run like you have never run before; run like the wind and don't look back."
- April 9, 2011 2:52 AM
"If you meet a man and he gives you clues that he might be a sociopath, run. Run like you have never run before; run like the wind and don't look back."
- April 9, 2011 2:52 AM
Recommended Books:
Help For People Who Have Survived a Sociopath:
A psychotherapist who works with people surviving sociopaths has groups and individual sessions available most of the time. If her schedule is full, she will put you on a waiting list.
She was once married to a sociopath and, like so many others, had no idea until the bottom fell out of her life! She is now dedicated to supporting others who are going through this horrific experience. Email me if you have any questions for her. She would be happy to discuss anything regarding her practice or her experience.
She charges a fee, of course, but your insurance may cover it.
She was once married to a sociopath and, like so many others, had no idea until the bottom fell out of her life! She is now dedicated to supporting others who are going through this horrific experience. Email me if you have any questions for her. She would be happy to discuss anything regarding her practice or her experience.
She charges a fee, of course, but your insurance may cover it.
Support Groups:
Order of Protection Survivor:
A woman shares her story of living through the nightmare of having to file an Order of Protection against her husband while providing helpful resources for other women going through a similar scary situation: Order of Protection Survivor
Domestic Abuse Help:
If you are a victim of domestic abuse, find out what your options are.
Use this to find a local shelter in your area: United States DV Resources
Also, here's the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Use this to find a local shelter in your area: United States DV Resources
Also, here's the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Interview with Martha Stout
" . . . understanding this problem [sociopathy] creates an entire paradigm shift in the way we view human nature." - Dr. Martha Stout
Dr. Martha Stout
82 Marlborough Street
Boston, MA 02116 USA
On LivingHero.com is an interview with Dr. Martha Stout, clinical psychologist and bestselling, award-winning author on the subject of sociopathy.
For twenty-six years, she served as a Psychology Instructor in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and also taught at the Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology, Wellesley College, The New School for Social Research, and the National Institute of Mental Health. Dr. Stout has worked at Massachusetts General Hospital and McLean Psychiatric Hospital.
She is author of The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us, a National Bestseller and winner of a Books for a Better Life Award.
You may download the mp3 file for free, which will play in iTunes, RealPlayer, Windows Media Player and other media players or you may listen to it right here by clicking on the purple media player below. (The interview is about 30 minutes long.)
You can contact Martha Stout here:Dr. Martha Stout
82 Marlborough Street
Boston, MA 02116 USA
Psychopathy Awareness
An informative blog: Psychopathy Awareness.
Post Comments
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And make sure you subscribe to the comments so you know when someone answers you (you'll see a little box to click when you leave your comment).
And make sure you subscribe to the comments so you know when someone answers you (you'll see a little box to click when you leave your comment).
| + | What is a Psychopath? | |
| | This link goes to an answer from a psychopath research organization. And the link below goes to a discussion forum by the same organization. | |
| + | Topics include: Psychopath in your life | |
| | Parents - Children | |
| + | Psychopath in the Family | |
| | Parents - Siblings |
Save the World
Martha Stout said if more people knew about sociopaths there would be less war in the world. I think she's right. Consider these facts:
1. According to the famous Milgram experiments, 65 percent of people will follow the orders of an authority.
2. Sociopaths want to win. They seek control. They are excellent manipulators. They don't care who gets hurt. They don't care who lives or dies.
3. They sometimes make it to positions of power. And they cause wars.
If more people knew the characteristics of a sociopath, more people would identify them for what they are before they gain too much authority and power. A sociopath would then be less likely to ever gain significantly powerful positions.
Result: Fewer wars.
There would be less horror in the world.
The truth is, even though it is a common belief that "man is a violent species," we are not. But when a sociopath gains a position of supreme authority and they start wars, 65 percent will obey authority, and most of the rest will be fooled and manipulated into believing in supporting the cause. The result is war. And many of those who fight in them feel terrible about the whole thing. They don't want to kill. They feel they have to.
The reason sociopaths are able to get away with as much as they do is because most people are so ignorant about the topic.
Now listen: You are in a unique position to save the world. Not very many people know about such a thing as "common, everyday sociopaths." They don't know their characteristics. They don't know how to spot them.
But you do.
Share your knowledge. Share it far and wide and in every way you can. And urge everyone you know to help you spread the knowledge. This could change the course of history. It could go a long way toward real peace on earth.
1. According to the famous Milgram experiments, 65 percent of people will follow the orders of an authority.
2. Sociopaths want to win. They seek control. They are excellent manipulators. They don't care who gets hurt. They don't care who lives or dies.
3. They sometimes make it to positions of power. And they cause wars.
If more people knew the characteristics of a sociopath, more people would identify them for what they are before they gain too much authority and power. A sociopath would then be less likely to ever gain significantly powerful positions.
Result: Fewer wars.
There would be less horror in the world.
The truth is, even though it is a common belief that "man is a violent species," we are not. But when a sociopath gains a position of supreme authority and they start wars, 65 percent will obey authority, and most of the rest will be fooled and manipulated into believing in supporting the cause. The result is war. And many of those who fight in them feel terrible about the whole thing. They don't want to kill. They feel they have to.
The reason sociopaths are able to get away with as much as they do is because most people are so ignorant about the topic.
Now listen: You are in a unique position to save the world. Not very many people know about such a thing as "common, everyday sociopaths." They don't know their characteristics. They don't know how to spot them.
But you do.
Share your knowledge. Share it far and wide and in every way you can. And urge everyone you know to help you spread the knowledge. This could change the course of history. It could go a long way toward real peace on earth.
WikiHow on Sociopathy
WikiHow has several articles on sociopaths:
How to Deal With a Sociopath
How to Detect a Sociopath
How to Understand Sociopaths
How to Deal With a Sociopath
How to Detect a Sociopath
How to Understand Sociopaths
Scientific American Mind
In the September/October 2010 issue of Scientific American Mind is an article entitled, Inside the Mind of a Psychopath. Among other things, the reseachers wrote, "Aided by EEGs and brain scans, scientists have discovered that psychopaths possess significant impairments that affect their ability to feel emotions, read other people's cues and learn from their mistakes.
These deficiencies my be apparent in children who are as young as five years old.
When you tally trials, prison stays and inflicted damage, psychopaths cost us $250 billion to $400 billion a year.
The reseachers wrote:
Charming as they may seem, psychopaths can also be tone-deaf because they lack access to their own feelings and those of others. Imagine what it would be like never to be depressed or anxious, never to have regrets or low self-esteem but also never to care deeply for anyone or anything. Psychopaths' emotions are shallow: they feel irritated when they don't get their way and turn to risky behaviors for the flimsiest of reasons. Bereft of loyalties and passions, they wander through life, often straying into criminality on a whim — forgeries, thefts, assaults, even murders may be committed out of some trivial impulse. As for complex emotions such as devotion, guilt, or joy, theirs remains a textbook understanding — it has been said that they "know the words but not the music."
Dozens of studies reveal that psychopaths experience the world differently from other people. They have trouble making appropriate moral value judgments and putting the brakes on their impulses. They are also hampered in how they respond to emotions, language and distractions — a disconnect that is sometimes seen as early as age five.
Psychopaths are notable for their fearlessness: when confronted with images such as a looming attacker or a weapon aimed their way, they literally don't blink.
Chances are, you have met a psychopath. People with the disorder make up 0.5 to 1 percent of the general population. When you discount children, women (for reasons that remain a puzzle, few women are afflicted), and those who are already locked up, that translates to approximately 250,000 psychopaths living freely in the U.S.
Some researchers have estimated that as many as 500,000 psychopaths inhabit the U.S. prison system, and there may be another 250,000 more living freely — perhaps not committing serious crimes but still taking advantage of those around them.
Whatever the reasons, many psychiatrists are left with the false impression that psychopathy and antisocial personality disorder are the same. They are not. Antisocial personality disorder is a helpful diagnosis when the question is whether a person is likely to behave badly, but it does nothing to discriminate among criminals. Only one in five people with antisocial personality disorder is a psychopath.
The above was written by Kent A. Kiehl, a neuroscientist at the University of New Mexico, and Joshua W. Buckholtz, a PhD candidate in neuroscience at Vanderbilt University.
Contact them here:
Kent A. Kiehl
kkiehl@unm.edu
Joshua W. Buckholtz
joshua.buckholtz@vanderbilt.edu
These deficiencies my be apparent in children who are as young as five years old.
When you tally trials, prison stays and inflicted damage, psychopaths cost us $250 billion to $400 billion a year.
The reseachers wrote:
Charming as they may seem, psychopaths can also be tone-deaf because they lack access to their own feelings and those of others. Imagine what it would be like never to be depressed or anxious, never to have regrets or low self-esteem but also never to care deeply for anyone or anything. Psychopaths' emotions are shallow: they feel irritated when they don't get their way and turn to risky behaviors for the flimsiest of reasons. Bereft of loyalties and passions, they wander through life, often straying into criminality on a whim — forgeries, thefts, assaults, even murders may be committed out of some trivial impulse. As for complex emotions such as devotion, guilt, or joy, theirs remains a textbook understanding — it has been said that they "know the words but not the music."
Dozens of studies reveal that psychopaths experience the world differently from other people. They have trouble making appropriate moral value judgments and putting the brakes on their impulses. They are also hampered in how they respond to emotions, language and distractions — a disconnect that is sometimes seen as early as age five.
Psychopaths are notable for their fearlessness: when confronted with images such as a looming attacker or a weapon aimed their way, they literally don't blink.
Chances are, you have met a psychopath. People with the disorder make up 0.5 to 1 percent of the general population. When you discount children, women (for reasons that remain a puzzle, few women are afflicted), and those who are already locked up, that translates to approximately 250,000 psychopaths living freely in the U.S.
Some researchers have estimated that as many as 500,000 psychopaths inhabit the U.S. prison system, and there may be another 250,000 more living freely — perhaps not committing serious crimes but still taking advantage of those around them.
Whatever the reasons, many psychiatrists are left with the false impression that psychopathy and antisocial personality disorder are the same. They are not. Antisocial personality disorder is a helpful diagnosis when the question is whether a person is likely to behave badly, but it does nothing to discriminate among criminals. Only one in five people with antisocial personality disorder is a psychopath.
The above was written by Kent A. Kiehl, a neuroscientist at the University of New Mexico, and Joshua W. Buckholtz, a PhD candidate in neuroscience at Vanderbilt University.
Contact them here:
Kent A. Kiehl
kkiehl@unm.edu
Joshua W. Buckholtz
joshua.buckholtz@vanderbilt.edu
A Clarification on a Common Belief
"Man's inhumanity to man" should be changed to, "Sociopath's inhumanity to normal humans." It doesn't have the same poetic feeling, but it is more accurate.
Contact Me
Email me here: rising.up@gmail.com
2,336 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 801 – 1000 of 2336 Newer› Newest»This is continued from the last anonymous post. I'm just trying to describe this as best as I can but it's hard.
So here is a situation:
Let's say this person is dating someone. They will do almost anything to push this person to their breaking point for them to say or do something horrible to this person so they can use it against them. They will never do anything like cheating or other really obvious things to push the person because they have to make it seem like they were the victims. The dater will be pushed and pushed until either they end it or say something that my friend can use against them. Once it's over, the person manipulates the entire thing to make it look like they were the victim to the point where the dater blames themselves.
I've seen this person cry and seem so hurt after a breakup but it seems that it could be only for sympathy. When they tell a person what happened, they do it in a way so that the sympathizer can relate to them and then be on their side.
I thought maybe giving a situation might help. I know its hard to tell online but I don't really know where else to go.
I have always thought, to some small degree, that I have sociopathic tendencies. I am manipulative, I can lie without regretting it - in fact, I do not really regret anything.
I am not sure if what I feel is emotion.
I am constantly reinventing my way of thinking, changing it to suit my whims - and I have always felt exempt from authority. I never really empathize with people - it's always been a case of not ever really caring enough.
I must say though, I am an intensively creative person, and I am very young - so I guess it could just be a certain inflated sense of melodrama. I do not think I could ever kill a person.
It is human nature to question one's sanity - to speculate and try and see if you are indeed in possession of a 'Hannibal Lecter complex' - wouldn't it be wonderful if you were so special as to be a self-aware sociopath? wouldn't that make you unusually powerful? People want power, people want to be different. Myself included, evidently.
There is a fine line between sanity and insanity. The human brain is subject to so many fluctuating differences - we are all so intricately made; there is no way on earth that certain people are without madness.
The way I recognized that I was not a psycho/sociopath was that beneath the lying, and the lack of regret, is an undeniably human current of *something*. It is a chord - nothing religious, mind - a core of (for lack of a better word) light. Maybe lifeforce, maybe energy, maybe chii - there is something lodged in your chest if you look hard enough. I don't think it's hope, not quite that, but it's strong, and it's there.
Something more than just internal organs.
But what do I know? I'm just an anonymous teenage girl on a website.
xx
-e
So sociopaths don't care about other people. But how come they go out of their way to involve themselves with people to hurt them? If they didn't care about people and saw them as tools, wouldn't they not care enough to do anything to them?
Also, for the questions to ask yourself if you know a sociopath, it says things like "do they lie to you?", "do they deceive you?" etc. But wouldn't a sociopath be so good at deceit and lying that a person wouldn't be able to catch them in the act?
I read through most of this blog reply in horror. This is my first post.
I've had two "friends" in my life, that I met at times when I was fairly lonely and isolated that were actually in therapy, come to find out, for having borderline personality. I can describe them best as emotional vampires. They cry and carry on, perhaps sociopaths don't do that.
I have to admit, even when my second borderline friend was telling me she was a borderline, I found every excuse in the book not to believe her. I'm wondering what the difference is between borderline and sociopath.
Many of the characteristics of the borderline are the same as the sociopath. The borderline also craves drama and cares only about herself. There seems an excess concern over appearance.
I understand that borderlines have abandonment issues that I'm not sure pertain to the sociopath. I get that the sociopath has no empathy, but borderlines don't seem to have empathy either. Are these two sides of the same coin? Replies welcome.
I HAVE A COWORKER SHE'S A SOCIOPATH.I KNOW FOR SURE BECAUSE ALL SHE WANTS IS TO MAKE PEOPLE AROUND HER LOOK BAD.INCLUDING MYSELF.HAVING HER AROUND ME IT FEELS LIKE A TICKING CLOCK.A BOMB!!
I DO NOT HATE HER BUT I DO DISRESPECT HER VERY MUCH.I THINK THAT SOCIOPATH IS GENETIC.FOR MY UNDERSTANDING,SOCIOPATHS ARE PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE A "NORMAL"CHILDHOOD,THEY WERE BORN OR RACE
BY A LOW CLASS FAMILY.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR ARTCLE.
Sociopaths don't "involve themselves with people." They USE people to get what they want. And one of the things they want is to win. They get no sense of meaningfulness out of relationships with people. Without that (what is the core of their lives for most people) what you have left that has any meaning is "to win."
Most people find out that a sociopath in their life has lied to them after being fooled successfully for YEARS. Eventually, something clicks in the victim and they start to realize they have been deceived.
Both of your questions are unusually good questions.
check out my lucky escape;
man, 32, has 5 year older daughter with woman A. Woman B meets this man at work and they begin a relationship which he describes as fireworks.
man then leaves woman A and immediately sets up home with woman B, quickly asking her to marry him and moving in the child. All the time he is courting attention from woman A, and then, 3 months before his wedding to woman B, woman A sends him evidence of their affair. Woman B is strong, and sees man for what he is. Mans relationship with woman b is over, she immediately starts seeing someone else... man gets very obsessive and is eventually arrested for being in woman b's property watching her. he gets away with it by pleading that he was menatlly unstable due to the breakup. Everyone believes him because woman b has started seeing someone else and she is seen as the offending party.
two weeks after his breakup with woman b, man gets with woman C. they almost immediately buy a home together, and child, who is now 7yrs, is moved in again. A short while later, man sees that a friend of his has broken her leg. he thinks (his words) "i can help her" and goes over for coffee, whereupon he finds she is recently bereft of a close and key family member. This woman becomes woman D. man is still at this point living with woman C.
woman C finds out, although when man describes this he uses the words "she got it into her head i was seeing (D) so she left me". C throws man out, he goes to live with D. he declares his undying love for D and makes it known to her that he believes they are soulmates and he wants to spend the rest of his life with her.
A short time later, man meets woman E. E has an instantaneous emotional connection with man (in hindsight read lamb to slaughter) but due to being previously burnt by similar man, on finding out man has woman D in the picture, refuses to enter a relationship. Thus, man leaves woman D and persues woman E.
Woman E, against better judgement, enters relationship with man. Man meanwhile, has told woman D that he is 'having a nervous breakdown' and needs some time apart, but will be back forthwith. Woman D then spends entire summer being there for the man. Woman E had some idea, if she is honest, due to various things, not least mans childs relationship with woman D which is continuing online. Man said some concerning things to woman E, such as 'do you ever tell people you want to marry them when you dont really care' and 'you should run away, i will destry you someday'... but all finally became clear when man, with woman E, bumped into woman D at the mall.
Panic stations. Woman E is very perceptive and challenged man about his reaction, he states that Woman D is mentally ill and will make serious problems for the pair. Woman E does not believe him and asks him to tell her the truth, and he replies he went to see woman D recently 'because she made him' but that they just kissed. Woman E is not stupid (although has behaved as such for previous 3 months), so she kicks out man.
Woman E then sent e mail to Woman D, saying she was sorry and never realised that woman D had been waiting in the background all along. Woman D is very upset and still prone to being a victim and Woman E has had to block not only man, but also woman D from all her accounts and telephone etc.
Woman E is now feeling quite scared that she will have angered man, and also quite frustrated as she has played his game and lost (of course) because man will now be able to tell woman D that he was not lying about the nervous breakdown, and that woman E found him at a vulnerable time and got her claws into him. Being a sociopath, man will be able to lie effectively enough to woman D that she believes she has always been the one and woman E was just a blip.
Any advice please for a fuming woman E?!
(woman E)
i should add that I have already changed my mobile number and blocked emails etc. When I asked for advice I was kind of thinking that I would like to write a note to put in his belongings when i send them back in the mail, i want to win see... how do i get to him (ah ha, maybe I am SP myself a wee bit)
Also want to know what you guys think about this behaviour - SP or just messed up cookie? the lying was off the scale, and totally unecessary a lot of the time, and the main thing is that he is totally INCAPABLE of seeing where he has gone wrong - instead genuinely beliving it is all the fault of these awful women. interestingly, the man IS in therapy, but this was the suggestion of women D and E and so may well be another hook...
all thoughts welcomed
I would be interested to know if anyone out there thinks Andre Muran is a sociopath. you can learn all about his (what I think are sociopathic) dealings in business
http://www.cheatauworld.ca
i dont know where to begin,ive been in a relationship with my ex husband on and off again for the past 13 yrs,we were only married for 6 1/2 yrs, but always unable to split and go our seperate ways.mainly becouse we have to kids together and i feel very strongly on them having a father and his was knowing that weakness and using it to get to me,i recently talked him into go to counciling to get help and he has been diagnosed as having antisocial disorder.he recently scared the crap out of me,he has black out spells,well he showed up one night on my porch,thank god i was not home,but he has sent me txts talking in third person about himself,i issued a order of protection out on him but my question is,i know he was violent in our marriage but i really dont know if all this is real,hes a very good bullshitter and i dont know if i need to be concerned with the wellfare of my children,he has visitation.how serious is this
Trying to accept the fact that my only child, a son, 39 yrs old, is a sociopath. Years of feeling under-appreciated & used, hurtful, hateful behavior toward me. How does a mother break this tie? Heard Dr. Phil say this is pretty much hard-wired & very difficult to change especially when chronic alcoholism is a part of the problem.
Adam,
I'm the commenter who asked the two questions. But another thing I was thinking of: wouldn't a sociopath who sees people as tools, think of them as so insignificant and underneath them that there is absolutely they could use that person for?
In a more extreme case, if a sociopath saw people as completely worthless and just as props, wouldn't they not even acknowledge them at all, let alone depend on them, even if it's to gain something for themselves? Unless, of course, that person really threatens them somehow and then they feel the need to win.
Almost anything of any value in this world is owned or controlled by other people. That's why a sociopath isn't likely to completely ignore people.
If you want to win at anything, or if you want resources, you had better learn to get along with people, and in the case of sociopaths, to manipulate the feelings of people. If a sociopath didn't have anything to do with people, what would he or she have left? Surviving in the wilderness?
The most common strategy of a sociopath seems to be to form a parasitic alliance with another person, to fool the other person into feelings of love and devotion, and then to manipulate their victim to give resources and entertainment. I'm sure just about everything has been tried, but this seems to be what most of them have ended up doing.
My longtime girlfriend, who is like a younger sister to me is going through a bad time with her stepdaughter, who is a sociopath. Do any of you experts out there know if the toddler in question is at any risk, especially if we resort to physically abusing and threatening this sociopathic, teen stepdaughter (not in front of the baby or any witnesses) and then denying it so that in the future she stops this behavior and fears us and hopefully will fear doing anything to the baby in the future. We are trying to prevent/protect this baby. Nothing, including counseling, seems to work. So far, we have seen minor things towards the baby that were caught. Also, the baby talks quite well and is expressive, even though he's only 2 yrs old, so he'll communicate to us, in his own way, if she said or did things to upset/hurt him. So far this baby has had a great childhood filled with lots of love, warmth, family and kisses and we want it to stay that way and want him to stay loving, sweet and beautiful, unlike his sociopathic older half-sister.
My widowed friend met a wonderful man at a widows club years ago. They both lost their spouses to cancer. She did not have kids of her own but now she has a 2 yr old baby from her new husband. Her stepdaughter is almost 17. The stepdaughter is not jealous of the baby, she is indifferent to him, but not resentful. I think she's happy the baby is in the picture as it makes her stepmom (my friend) more vulnerable.
The stepdaughter fits the description of a sociopath to the letter. She delights in causing arguments between her stepmom and dad and pits them against each other. She did the same to her now deceased biological mom and her dad. This girl is cruel to the bone. My best friend says she might have to leave her husband if he doesn't see the seriousness of this and realize his daughter is a socio. He says she's just a bratty teen and isn't doing anything about it. Mutual friends agree he's in denial, although he disagrees his daughter is a socio, he does tend to believe his new wife over his 17 yr old daughters lies. It would be difficult for her to leave him now with a baby and left her job to be a stay at home mom. She can't just up and leave to get away from this sociopath. Others suggested we threaten the stepdaughter if she tells anyone and then beat the crap out of the stepdaughter every time she does something awful and then later deny it if she tells, and beat her for telling, hoping that will break her down and scare her out of doing anything to the baby. She's never been physically abused but she sure has beaten people up. She'll find out what it's like to be on the other side. The abuse will take her by surprise and we hope that these beatings will break her down. She has screwed up her friends, has enemies, neighbors hate her and my friends husbands family hates her. Her teachers despise her. She has no regret or remorse.
He travels a lot for his sales job and she is left home with his horrible stepdaughter who busies herself by doing awful things while her stepmom (who was good to her)is trying to raise a toddler in peace. My friend was good to this girl and doesn't deserve this crap.
I was visiting one day and saw her stepdaughter leave the baby gate open so the baby would try to climb up the stairs all so she could watch my friend panic as she raced to the stairs to grab the baby. My friend realized he came as a package deal, complete with a socio daughter she has no control over and they'll all be living in the same house, under the same roof. The stepdaughter who has done awful things (not to the baby yet) and is left with her because her dad travels for his job. This girl wouldn't bring her dying mother a glass of water, when her own mom was dying of cancer. She's evil and horrible.
What do the experts think? My friend and her husbands family are all trying to convince her husband to send this girl to a strict Boot Camp. If he decides not to, should we beat her ourselves and break her down instead of the Boot Camp leaders doing it for us?
er, no. you shouldn't beat a 17 year old child who's mom died when she was young. if you do, and then deny it, she will show the bruises and you will - quite rightly - get prosecuted.
er, yes we should have already beat her lying, stealing ass. As far as her bio mom, she didn't even care about her biological mom dying, she (sort of) pretended. I believe (although I didn't know her bio mom) that her bio mom died from the sadness and grief she caused her. She creates dysfunction in both families and in people's lives.
Last night my best friend and her husband (the sociopathic girls bio dad) went out to dinner and made arrangements for her to stay at her best friends home 3 miles away so she could hang out with her BFF. She was told not to leave her girlfriends home and her girlfriends mom would not let them out for the 2 hrs. They rented a DVD movie and were allowed to watch TV and have supervised internet activities. No pot, no booze, no sex.
Well, she texted her school friends who texted their friends, they snuck out, went back to her stepmom and dads house, climbed in a window, opened the doors and hosted a wild drinking party. We do not know where the booze came from. There were empty bottles everywhere and their once spotless beautiful home looked ransacked. Some drunk kid peed on their hardwood floor. She thought it was funny and she didn't care at all. She just sat there with a smirk. The neighbor called my friends husband and they had to leave the restaurant. There were about twenty 15-18 yr olds, some drunk. The house was a disaster and they were in every room violating eveyone's personal space and other awful things I won't go into. My friend was crying when she realized they were in the baby's room in the rocking chair where she nurses her son, and other awful violating things ... it was awful. The Police showed up and now they all have to go to court. The tension in the household is bad for their 2 yr old. He is sensing the tension, I can see the distraught look on his sweet face. This innocent baby is entitled to a peaceful childhood, not a home filled with tension and an out of control, lazy, screaming, disrespectful, sociopathic teen. I say if we can't get a Boot Camp to take her and break her uppity ass down, then we beat her, leave no marks and keep threatening her. She'll straighten up real fast, start doing a few chores instead of none and forget about hosting or attending the next under-age drinking party she said she's planning to continue next chance she could get. She has no remorse, never sorry, doesn't care, enjoys watching others in distress or pain. She's a sociopath. Yeah ... I think she needs a couple of good whoopings. She couldn't even bring her dying mom a glass of water and this was when her bio mom was on her deathbed. No one would feel sorry for her if this happened, they would feel a sense of relief. We won't leave any marks and no one will come forward to help her as no one likes her. Instead of her running the house rules "if you say anything or do anything I don't like I'm calling the Police or Child Services," type of crap, instead her dad and her step mom who have both done so much for her (spoiled brat)will take over the rules again and get their house back. The way it is now, most teens, especially SP's, run the house, not the parents. The parents are fearful, not the kids. These kids not only drink they use drugs and smoke pot. Look, I had my ass beat when I answered back or broke the rules and I have lots of respect for people. It helped me straighten up my act real fast and I know others who said the same. Today's parents are afraid of the kids. That BS will never work. We can count on more gangs, more entitlement people and more violence and that all equals more drugs, underage drinking, gangs, crime and death. I think a couple of good ass beatings will serve her and the community quite well. Thanks for your comment ... I guess you haven't been "there".
(Bell) If you think a good beating will straighten out a sociopath, you haven't been there either. She will take revenge 10-fold, I'm warning you. A sociopath NEVER forgives. She will remember it with vindictiveness for the rest of her life. Yeah, when we were kids we got a spanking when we misbehaved or a good slap from ignorant parents who didn't know any better. To date, no one has discovered a way to effectively cure an SP, and a good old-fashioned ass-beating is probably the best way to make things worse.
Adam,
Could there be a sociopath who does not mind using people for entertainment and such but does not desire much out of life, therefore eliminating the need to use many people?
I don't know. Are you one of those people? Or do you know one?
Why do you ask?
adam
do you think there is a way to 'get back' at a sociopath when he has lied to and manipulated and screwed you over? Or will he just like it that he's still controlling you? Or maybe just use it to justify why he did what he did (ie. See... she always was a vindictive bitch, no wonder i lied/maipulated/cheated)? Or else (speaking from experience) use it to elicit sympathy and loving from the next victim (oooh, my ex was such a cow, when we split up she did blah blah blah)
thanks
woman e
Woman E,
I'm sure if you were really clever, there might be a way to get back at a sociopath. But it might not be worth it to you. First of all, a sociopath would probably try to get back at you getting back, and then you would be engaged in a battle that you don't like and that the sociopath probably likes. You have things you would rather be doing, things that are more meaningful to you. But a sociopath doesn't have those things. All they have is winning.
So the answer is, "yes, you can probably find a way to get back at the sociopath, but it's probably not worth it."
Go on with your life. Pursue positive purposes. Cultivate good relationships. Let it go.
adam
thanks. i knew that deep down, was just wondering... and wishing heehee. In a way, you gotta hand it to SPs, very clever, very gainful. Anywhoo...
one more thing if you don't mind; do you think he is likely to hurt me, like, physically? I have changed my number, blocked him from my e and ignored his attempts to e me at our workplace... I think his attempts are getting more and more 'escalated'... Will he justify hurting me to make himself get that control back? Its a bit frightening knowing that no one truly knows him and therefore what he may be capable of...
Woman E
Woman E,
If you are worried about that, you should take steps to be able to protect yourself. I don't know exactly what that means in your circumstances, but do whatever you need to do. Mace, telescoping baton, concealed weapon, whatever you are willing to do. In other words, don't just hope he won't hurt you. Make sure he can't hurt you.
Greetings,
I have a son, 31, just diagnosed as a sociopathy.
I have suspected when he was 15, and through the years
have watched it progress.......from a distance.
He hasn't been welcome in my home since he was 17.
He has no remorse, cares about nothing, but himself, and plays to win, at all costs.
He is my only child. He has 4 wonderful kids, 9, 7, 3, and 5 months. He is also on drugs. I don't think he will let go of his kids, or his girlfriend. I fear for their safty. A control thing.
Due to my son's behaviors, I have had to keep my grandkids at a distance. I can not have any type of a relationship with them. He is so angry with me, as his mother, and has tried to distroy me different times. Enough has been enough, and I can't take chances of him harming me again.
Is there a way for his children, and girlfriend to get away, without him followning them? She isn't a stable person herself, so she is easy prey. But the affects on the children may be disastress.
Lastly, is there anything I can do as a parent and grandmother? Besides keep my distance. He recently has emailed asking for help. I do't see how I can help him, for it is everyone else's fault. He is just fine, his perception.
Or do I continue to hold him at a distance always?
Thanks for all your comments. It's been helpful, but also scary to see how one lives without a remorse, or feelings.
Due to stress from my son, I no longer have "fight/flight" reflex. I compensate.
It has never returned yet in 14 years.
I came across the following in the book, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry. It seems appropriate for dealing with common everyday sociopaths:
Hypnotists invite people to focus attention on them, not on what they're doing. Misdirection is the number one secret of hypnosis, whether it's practiced on a nightclub stage or in your office.
Hypnotic communication is purposely distracting and confusing. You're expected to give up trying to understand, turn off your critical thinking, and just go along.
Criticial thinking is the most important tool you have for protecting yourself from Emotional Vampires. If you feel confused, don't do anything until you've figured out what's going on.
That is an excellent rule of thumb when dealing with someone you suspect is a sociopath: When you feel confused, stop right there until you've figured out what's happening.
I met and married my second husband within 13 months of our first date. He was "perfect", kind, sweet, good to my daughters, doting to his son. We talked about all of our plans for a future. I sold my house, moved to his and things were wonderful. 1 month after we married, he lost his job. We decided together to start a business, which we funded with money I had from the sale of my house, but we still had some college savings for the kids. On paper, when I met him, he looked great. He also owned a house, a car, had money put away for his son and retirement (despite his wife), and we earned similar salaries. We did everything with the kids as a family. He always asked my opinion and complimented me often on what a good wife and mother I was, and how I knew him better than anyone. Anytime he asked me for something, I supported him: custody fight, I helped him and in fact did a lot of legal research, start a business? I did that too. Over the years, little by little, I became more and more responsible for everything: kids, house, my job, his business etc. When things got hard finanicially, I gave him the kids college savings, we refied the house twice and put it into his business. I wanted him to succeed, because things had gotten so difficult and this made him happy. After 6 years, I realized that the business was draining us and he was starting to bounce checks, could not afford the insurance on his trucks and soon he was working 16 hours a day without a salary. We could no longer afford all of our bills. I went to him and said, I love you, but this is not working. Our name is on the business together and you can't afford all the insurance, it is felony and we can both end up in jail. His response: everything is a risk, you can't be afraid. I told him I ran out of money and could not afford the mortgage alone, so I paid all the other bills, electric, food, car insurance, daycare for our young daughter...his response, you work from home (I have a good job for over 25 years, but my agreement with them is to have her in daycare while I work) so cut back on daycare and keep her home. I kept saying, I could lose my job, his response: no you won't. When I argued, we need to pay for gas, electric, cable, so I can work, he said: they won't turn it off, you must pay the mortgage (it was his house before me and his name was on the mortgage) When I explained, the mortgage increased $2K a month due to the investment in the business, so if the business can't pay it back, it is not working: he got angry and said I had to pay it or he would punch me and go to jail. He quickly apologized. He called me a bitch and a C*nt when he did not get his way. He tried to get our childrens bio parents from our first marriage out of the kids lives. He said he supported the relationship, but was jealous if my daughters did things with their dad, and fought his ex for 1/2 custody, even though he was not around to care for him. 2 years of fighting, 4 months of cousneling and he still accuses me of quitting. Of being a coward, calling me a bad mother. As soon as I filed for divorce, he went on line to find a new girlfriend, and said "well, you filed" I said, I don't want the divorce, but your asking me to risk jail, and won't compromise: he would not shut down the business, he was never home, he wanted me to pay the bills that would benefit him, not us, driving his business trucks without all the right insurance. He was hoping to string me along to turn the business around, hoping that if I stayed long enough, he could show me that it would work. If I said, "your using credit cards to run the business, that is wrong" he said "you don't know what your looking at" even though it was black and white, bills coming in the mail. Even when we divorced, he wanted me to help him save his house, promising that he would pay the mortgage if I could help him. I know in my heart, he would have defaulted and I would have been forced back. My two daughters won't speak to him. He bad mouthed me to them, the accused me of poisoining them against him.
As a follow up, he doesn't visit his elderly parents until the girl friend comes along. Doesn't pay support until the new girl friend comes along. Now he is the "perfect" guy again, the one I had met, and logically I know it is to manipulate her, but it hurts. He left his 16 year old home alone so that he could take our 5 year old to his girlfriends house to spend the night, so my daughter could sleep on the couch at her house. He is spending time with my daughter for the first time in 5 years, acting like a family, doing things with her that he refused to do with me. When at families house, he is bored.
If I tried to stand up for myself, I was told he never thought I was a good wife or mother, but he loved me anyway, he had no conditions on me, but that I had conditions on him, because I refused to stay if things did not change. He lied the therapist, who told me that he felt he was abusive, and his feeling from working with both of us, was he was a sociopath. If I went to him to raise issues, he said he was tired of me complaining and accused me of attacking him. He has told his family I quit on him and left him holding the bag financially, and accused me of taking all his money. When I was with him, I feared losing my job, our house, going to jail, and he would say "stop being negative" Nothing was his fault.
If he did something wrong, it was my fault not his, if I did not make him mad, he would not have behaved that way. So, with all of this, why after 4 months apart from a man, who was willing to risk our lives, am I feeling so crappy? and why do I still have feelings?
I can't say from your post if he's definitly a Sociopath or not. The main characteristics of a SP personality are they lack empathy. They are
devoid of feelings and lack a conscience. They pretend to have feelings & to feel bad or sad and to have feelings by imitating how empathetic people and others act. They're great actors. The truth is, they are emotionally frozen, emotionally paralyzed. Deep inside, they are miserable people.
I am not a Therapist although I do have experience. I was raised by a Sociopathic mother, who is still alive, and since I am almost 50 yrs old, I have a long history with her and a lot to pull out of the bag. There is NO cure. They will NEVER change. They get worse with age. Period.
I was also once married to a SP for 5 years. It was awful. I once worked for a SP (my ex boss) and I also once co-worked with a Sociopath. My friend has a daughter who is clearly a SP.
So, I do have real life experiences with SP's. As I said, they lack a conscience, they lack empathy for others. It's always all about them. Not all liars are SP's, but all SP's are liars.
Most SP's will stare intensely at others, off and on, when speaking to them. Some have described it as an intense, piercing look, although they don't do it very often and tend to limit the staring to a few seconds, now and then. They are careful about giving up who they really are. They're masters at seeking out people with low self-esteem, needy, dependent and/or who have other issues, such as daddy or mommy issues as I once had. I was an easy target way back then.
There is NO way you can have a healthy relationship with a Sociopath .. no way even if they're just an acquaintance. Most SP's are attracted to people with low self-esteem, (as I once had) lack self-confidence, are too easy-going and too accomodating and/or are easily manipulated.
They also hate opinionated, self-righteous people b/c they are always the one who has to be right ... always. So, they are good at putting people in their place. But they don't do it to people they can't. They do it to people they can. They go after people they think they can control and abuse. SP's are equally male and female.
But the truth about most men, whether they're a SP or not, is that they MUST have power over the woman. Even if they only have 51% and you 49% ... they have to have more power. SP's see kids as an inconvenience, although many have children b/c it's a way of making a woman vulnerable and more dependent on them so they can control. Most men love to control women, but SP's take the control to the next level.
I'm not sure if he's a SP or just a miserable SOB, control freak. If he's a SP, he will need to believe that HE left you, not the other way around. If he really is a SP and thinks you left him, there will be a price to pay. Watch out. Protect yourself and your kids.
Don't teach your kids that this is a "normal" relationship. By being with him, that's what you're doing. Role model for your kids either with a good, decent man or as a responsible, capable, loving, single parent so they do not think this is normal and do not wind up with a man just like him when they are adults. Hope this helps a bit. I feel for you as I've been there.
My dear friend is trying to raise a child with the child's sociopathic mother. He did not marry her, and has gotten her to move out of his house, but she continually manipulates him and his time with his son. She is a nuisance. We don't humor her by letting her know how intrusive she is in our lives as family and friends, but he feels stuck because of the boy. His own mother is blind to her antics and pressures my him to work it out. He will exhaust himself to the grave if he keeps trying to accomplish the impossible. Sociopaths don't care, we can't make them, so understand that, stop caring about them, and then help educate those "afflicted" with self-destructive emotional tendencies and promote exercising logic and reasoning. Leave your emotions for the ones who return them, and, as for strangers, only be led by emotions for them in extreme emergencies where 911 can't be alerted. People with a conscience don't expect strangers to care about their woes. If someone you don't know is filling your head with terrible, believable, heart-breaking woes, ask yourself if you would tell this to a stranger if it were you. It's a faker! Believe it and stop assisting these freaks of nature. If someone doesn't make you feel strong and happy to be alive, leave them to devour each other.
I would like to comment about the comment beginning, "I don't believe these so-called sociopaths are actually sociopaths...," left by a severely uninformed, dangerously so, person whose easy-chair conclusions wreak of ignorance and rose-colored denial. His/Her suggestion that these people are depressed and hurt is the first clue. No psychology education has even bumped into him/her. It is clearly stated that this whole website refers to the sociopathic "style" which includes anyone who possesses the traits of a true sociopath. It is also clearly pointed out that it is nearly impossible to get a true clinical diagnosis of a sociopath. Those were disclaimers that were clearly, redundantly laid out before coming to this comment area. Part of the problem is this sort of voluntary ignoramus who, by going by his/her uninformed, raw, juvenile, 'I-want-the-happy-ending-because-it's-easier-to-believe' thoughts, yammer on in a forum or blog to which they are not qualified to contribute. It is proven by the evidence that he/she didn't even understand this article fully before commenting on it. We already know that there are reasons why people behave this way, and we know to leave them. That is not the point of this area. The point is to attempt to understand these behaviors better. This person only serves as a good example of why this problem is far from being under control. But did so in the wrong arena. And he/she is proud of his/her thoughts, enough to announce it publically, like it is some sort of outstanding brilliant take on the subject. I would like to see more comments that have a hint of preparation behind them, are pertinent to this topic or, at least, contain a humble disclaimer that he/she doesn't know any facts to back his/her post. This person will be hard pressed to back his/her post, so he/she resorts to restating the problem that we are commenting on, and shouting at the end. ATG-California
4 yr saga
sophomore year of college and never had a boyfriend bc I had a different lifestyle growing up and boys were never an interest to a degree. I was a gymnast that trained 40 hrs per week and traveled.I had no time for dating.
2nd year of college I met him and he swooned me in every possible way and I submitted to him. It was new for me and it felt great. One evening we were suppose to meet up and it didn't happen. From that day on he disappeared, no call, email etc. Because I have a conscience and was utterly confused why he just left me in without explanation.Time went on and of course I had not got over him. We got in contact again and he wined and dined me. I'm talking dinner bills up 1000 and hotel stays. It felt amazing to be treated like that but it was not real (took me four years to figure that out). His ability to charm me through his ideas of what our future would be like was a dream come true. He charmed me while stealing my vice, soul, and virtue in ways that is hard to explain. We continued to talk over the summer, this time in was just in town but lived in MS. He told me he owned the house etc and of course I believed it. When I got there it was not his, pictures were turned upside down. The whole time I was down there he abused pot. I felt like I was talking in circles because everything he has to say is IMPORTANT.I fell in love with someone who is in cable of love. It truly is hard to accept that fact that I was used. Because these people count on people like me to forgive them and tolerate their behavior of disappearing and degrading you, they count on you. He made promises that were never met. Getting back, my plan landed and told him no contact was necessary. So six months flew by and I still missed him like crazy WHY?!I received an aim message from him. These people are master minds of manipulation, he made me feel like it was all my fault and he wanted to be with me BUT I ended it.Needless to say we were talking again. We met up in the city and dazzeled me, I was a bit weary at first, but I jumped in bc normal people hope that we trust ourselve and when we are wrong, we prove to ourselves that we can fix people. Comes back into my life, my dad has been diagnosed with Leukemia and my mom has breast cancer. My family was uprooted to the city for treatment.I'm most vulnerable to anything that will deter me away from reality that my parents are seriously ill. Over lunch I tell him how my life has been the past few months the only thing he said was I had back surgery last month, you need to deal with your situation and get over it. Marks history, he is not right. Told me he got into law school and lived in France. I can't explain why I never confronted his lies, I can only say I didn't want to lose him for reason. He does not have a job, erratic sleep, jumps from state to state, uses people. The holidays past and he went to MS, things were going great with us. I thought this is going to be it this time around. Months roll by and one week in particular, I don't here from him and he says hes busy. I went online and found an online video kissing a girl. I could tell they had already slept together. I fell off the face of the earth and changed my identity. I still could not understand why someone can do this and is capable of so much hurt. Summer roles by and I went to the library and spent ten hours in there researching personality disorders. I WAS A VICTIM. So he gets kicked out of his home down south and this girl he is seeing he is already saying I love you too and moves in with her in this other city up nort and is living a life of luxury due to her prestigious internship. EMAILED ME asking about my family and that he is concerned about me. WTF, so I keep reading and hes asking to be pals because he considers me to be a dear friend. IN CONCLUSION, these people are sick and whats the funniest thing due to my research, I LAY BACK AND LAUGH MY ASS OFF and just say, I am now a master at your game.
I was married to a sociopath physician for 20 years and had four sons with him. He let me know every day for all those years that I was fat, ugly and stupid, had the devil in me, was basically a piece of dirt. All the while, he was having affairs with any pair of tits that crossed his path. He got us all caught up in a horrible religious cult under the guise of "church" and for 15 years, I was treated like dirt by them too, while my sons were being beaten until bruised and bloody with a belt for "sinning." He was diagnosed with bi-polar, sexual addiction, drug addiction, social phobias, anxiety disorder, narcolepsy, on and on, but no one ever said sociopath because he was so damned good at it that he convinced the psychiatrists that THEY were the ones with problems. When I only had a small shred of myself left, I took my four sons and I left. It was horrible. He practically made us destitute and had contact with my boys only once in months. I begged him to give me a kind divorce to spare the boys, but he made it a fucking nightmare. It dragged out for 3 years and he continually said that I broke up the family and the divorce was my fault BECAUSE I FILED THE PAPERS. Are you getting this? After 20 years of abject abuse, it was MY fault for merely filing the papers. One year after the divorce I had established my own credit and finished my masters' degree when I found out that he had gone bankrupt, but $263,000 of his debt, the credit cards he maxed just before filing, were either joint with me, or had me as primary cardholder. I didn't even know they existed! He had shoved papers under my nose at 2, 3, 4 am and told me to sign them. At that time, I trusted him. BIG MISTAKE.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. I was only 25 when I married him, and because he was a doctor, I couldn't believe that anything was wrong with him, it had to be me. Even in light of knowing that his mother was a carbon copy of him. The sickness was so thick you could scrape it off them. But I continued to blame myself. Today, 11 years post-divorce, this man still regularly harasses me with ugly emails bitterly complaining about my sons. He acts inappropriately at family functions such as graduations, always, always seeking the spotlight and stealing it from my boys. Now, because he doesn't like the way my son is going to colllege, just part-time, he's trying to force him to join the military.
Sociopaths, as much as those of you who are so kind would like to forgive them, are just EVIL. EVIL. Unredeemable. Don't try to fix them, it will make you crazy. I left when his mental illness began making me sick. I left when my boys were big enough that he felt fine with kicking them and punching them. My biggest regret other than marrying the son of a bitch? Not getting my children away from him sooner. My boys will not only be scarred by his treatment of them for the rest of their lives, but by the abuse he heaped on me and the continuing interference in their lives. Kids tend to want to forgive their parents, and sociopaths are experts at garnering everyone's sympathy. When I left our church, the pastor told me that after 15 years of marital counseling, he never believed a word I said. My ex still warms the front pew every sunday, just another of his addictions. Why? When they excommunicated me? because, he's a doctor and gave $15k every year in the collection. The members of that church only perpetuated the abuse he started and still has not finished. We will never be totally free of this scourge in our lives, and I will feel guilty the rest of my life for not protecting my boys better. But I was SO sucked in to his lies and exaggerations and manipulations.
If you are living with someone who resembles a sociopath in any of the ways listed, RUN. Get as far away as fast as you can. They live to kill the souls of kind and loving people. They have no souls of their own. Protect yourselves and your loved ones because these people are the most insidious destructive forces you'll ever meet.
All I feel inside is a void. No emotions, just a pervasive grey landscape. There's a distinct absence of happiness, sadness, fear, joy. In the place of where I suppose these emotions exist, I feel a general sense of buzzing, almost like when a TV looses signal or the radio antennae is broken. The only time I can escape the neverending monotony is by what I used to call "living on the absolute edge" and I now understand to be the "life of a sociopath".
There's nothing about me that sticks out. I'm your average person. I have a few friends. I have a family & a job. The piece that does stick out, I've learned, is my complete inability to feel close to anyone. I've tried countless times to learn how to connect. I've dated dozens of people & managed to get engaged twice (both of which have now ended) My relationships can rarely weather the reality of my life.
The reality is that, in order to break from the droning monotony or more simply labeled "boredom", I lie, cheat, manipulate, steal from anyone, anywhere, at my whim.
Sometimes the lies are insigificant (Do you like coffee?) and other times they're material (Did you cheat on me? Did you kick my cat? No & No, when the answer is Yes & Yes) I have no internal reaction to these behaviors other than a temporary reduction of the emptiness. The closest I've felt to happiness happened the other day while stealing clothing -- I felt alive. For a brief moment, I existed.
I take what I want from people when I want & don't see any reason to give back. Why would I give back to a structure that already has so much? I'll never feel. I'll never fully exist. No amount of stealing, lying or manipulation can ever make up for having to live with this type of half-existence.
I've never killed but the thought of killing doesn't bother me. I don't value my life. Why would I value another? The only concern would be ensuring that I wouldn't get caught.
I obviously don't know why I'm this way & I do everything I can to hide it from view - "hiding in plain sight" is my life. I'm always watching other people, studying them & mimicing. It's taught me how to come across as more average (or less sociopathic) but the mask slips down from time to time. A few people close to me have caught glimpses of it.
I've been in therapy for 12 years (with a liscensed psychologist). For the first 7 years, we focused on am trying to get in touch with the feelings that 'must' be trapped inside. Then, we spent an inordinate amount of time working on learning to feel & identify them. At this point, I think there's sufficient evidence to show you can't create emotions when there is no emotion-producing apparatus. I'm strictly focused on learning ways to control the behavior. The more I hurt, the more heavily rewarded I am. I'm trying hard to live with the decrease in reward / decrease in hurting others & an increase in the "grey" .. but ask yourself ... can you imagine living like that? Imagine the weather on the worst day - when the clouds hug close to the ground & all you can see is grey, fog. Nothing takes a shape. There is no sun, no warmth, no light. Just fog. Imagine that you could get out of the fog periodically but only by hurting others - could you stop?
Sociopathy in the news. The latest Scientific American Mind has an article on the cultural differences in mental illness. The question is whether some cultures have unique mental illnesses that do not occur in other cultures, or are mental illnesses only expressed differently in different cultures.
But one part was relevant to us here: "Murphy examined two very different societies — a group of Yorubas in Nigeria and a group of Inuit Eskimos near the Bering Strait — that had essentially no contact with modern culture. Yet these populations had names for disorders that appeared strikingly similar to schizophrenia, alcoholism and psychopathy. For example, the Inuit used the term 'kunlangeta' to describe someone (usually a man) who lies, cheats and steals, is unfaithful to women and does not obey elders — a sketch very much like that of a Western psychopath. When Murphy asked one of the Inuit how the group typically dealt with such an individual, he replied that 'somebody would have pushed him off the ice when no one was looking.' Apparently the Inuit are no fonder of psychopaths than we are."
You have hit the nail on the head with this article. It took me a long time to learn all about sociopaths. I, too, wanted to believe these poor people were depressed, had had bad childhoods, felt inadequate, blah blah blah.The fact remains people who do have those above feelings are distinguised from sociopaths by the way they handle those feelings - SIMPLY PUT THEY DON'T ATTACK OTHERS. Think about that. I'm not here to convince anyone - I know from experience what I believe. The hardest part about dealing with a sociopath is that if you need other people to support you BEFORE you decide on your coping strategy, the sociopath has already spent countless hours making sure others will not believe you. They will say, "No, so and so is just a sweet, hurt , depressed, misdirected person." There's a whole separate psychology on that - it stems from what we need to believe. I was there - I know. We need to believe people are like us - we can't accept there are truly cold-hearted predatory people out there. Forget about understanding why they do what they do, just be effective at releasing your own stress and then study if you must. If you do it the other way, study first and then become effective, you will go through a lot of pain before you "get it." However, we always want others to learn from our own mistakes so I completely understand if you need to learn this on your own much like I did - the hard way - those are the lessons that always stick with us though. Another effect they have on people is that if you are repeatedly targeted by sociopaths, you will tend to think you are the problem and say, "What's wrong with me?" because you keep runing in to these kind of people. This is like Christmas for the sociopaths - if you are the victim AND blame yourself - you just gave them the best gift ever - they don't have to work at convincing others they're not to blame - you'll do it for them.
cont'd.
Heck, it's as if you were playing a sports game - let's say hockey, not only do you give the other team the puck, you score the goal for them AND you walk away upset because you never win. They didn't have to do anything but show up - you helped them look good. Heck, you might even come up with an excuse that they never thought of and they will add to their repertoire a new "reason" to get people to feel sorry for them. They have "entitlement" issues. It's a psychological term mean they are entitled to everything at all times and your role is to sit back, envy them, admire them and do without. Don't take the bait - snap their fishing line - LEAVE. Run, don't walk away from these people. Be effective. Darkness hates light - if you're targeted it's because they think you have something they want or look better than they do or whatever - you're genuine - human with all your strengths and weaknesses and emotions and they seek to destroy anything or anyone who doesn't realize they are supreme. They see it as competitive - how dare you believe you have a life of your own - don't you realize you are here to serve them - whether it's to defend them when others point out their behavior, to admire them, to be used by them - that's the ONLY way they categorize people. They look at everyone and size them up and it's as if they say, "What can they do for me?" Hmmm, I want to APPEAR to be a solid family man - well so and so would be a good wife (or husband) to have - that would be a point in my favor. The list goes on - good friends, good job, status, they may even do a little community work and go to the local church - so that when they do their dirty deeds they have a whole network of people who will NEVER believe that. Oh no, he sings and ushers at the church every weekend. Come on - it's a mask. Dress a wolf up as a sheep and it's still a wolf and the reverse is true - dress a sheep up as a wolf and it's still a sheep (might be hard to catch a wolf to dress up - they prefer to do that themselves.) Sociopaths are predatory animals - deny that and you do it at your own peril. They love to turn the blame on anyone. If you give - whether it be to a spouse, at work, to a friend and they don't give in return, they'll use the phrase, "Well, you don't give to get do you?" That's guilt inducing. Don't take the bait. If they give just 10% for the 100% you give, then they'll say you're ungrateful. They have no emotions so their time is divided between excuses, performances, eliciting support and sympathy - it's all insidious - they use your own compassion against you. It's not a weakness (another what's wrong with me ploy) it's compassion. A genuine friend would never use your own empathy, compassion or any other good trait against you but a sociopath will do it and not lose a wink of sleep. They have a perverse pleasure in seeing others suffer but you won't see that. They save it for themselves or for someone else. They'll always be the one who was treated bad. I know a guy - fifth wife and he just keeps saying - after running over the previous wives - that these women mistreated him. The last one hit him in the head with a TV - came up behind him while he was on the computer. He's still with her - afraid to leave. He told me that maybe - just MAYBE - he's the catalyst in getting women upset. YOU ThINK? Please - a person who has been targeted wonders why it keeps happening to them - the sociopath has learned and uses the same ploy. You have to decide if there are inconsistencies because their games and manipulations will closely resemble and run parallel with people who actually do have these experiences.
Just like to say I have had a sociopath in my life for nearly 30years. She has torn my family apart, upset and lied to her closest family members,Twised and manipulated all around her. Made false allegations against those who get in her way She has Turned her 2 daughters in to emotional wrecks and has done the same to her grandchildren.(me) But its always someone else's fault She is blameless and guiltless At the age of 84 she is still as sick as ever In fact far worse the older she gets.Because of her age she can now manipulate and lie to those around her with far more ease. I have been one of her victims for 30yrs. After researching the traits of a sociopath I now realise that she is hell bent on making sure she continues with the pain she inflicts on those closest to her. It is pointless trying to reason with her believe me I have tried But its always someone elses fault. I have now made the decision never to contact her again And can only hope and PRAY she will die very soon So she can no longer toy with, control manipulate lie and destroy anyone else. To all These people that come on here saying they are sociopaths, especially the oracle ERIC! PLEASE some 18yr old psychology student ( Yeh dude you dont fool me)If you were sociopaths you would not be on here.
I do however have tremendous sympathy to all the caring, moral decent people who have been so traumatised and deeply affected by these twisted lying manipulating cruel evil sick individuals (believe me I have)
After 30 years of being caring sympathetic, protective and kind. I am now walking away Yeh I've done my crying But now i feel no guilt. Now I have realised ITS NOT MY FAULT.
I cannot explain how liberating and FREE and content I now feel. There is no cure, You can't reason with them They will NEVER change They will destroy you.
You have to get as far away from them as possible and Never have contact with them again You will NEVER change them
I was married to a sociopath. Yes, he exhibited a majority of these behaviors. Looking back over our short relationship and even shorter marriage, this article explains his behavior(s).
Even though we've been divorced a year and he has a new partner in his life, he still has not stopped the harassments. My lawyer is suggesting a lawsuit. After reading this article, I'm guessing a Judge's order will not stop him.
Thanks for the information. It is nice to know it has happened to someone else too.
I know I am not a sociopath but I do show some characterisics. The main reason I cannot be one is because I have loved ones (though it took me a long time to find them). The reason why I am commenting is because I am writting a novel with a sociopath and with the information I currently have I will not be able to protray the character properly. I was hopeing someone could help me with it. She is a murderer. Through a large portion of the book noone will know it is her but I would like to give small hints. she is young so that it will be even less apparent that she is the mastermind. I don't have a name for her so if you have any suggestions I will appresiate it greatly.
The sociopath in my life is my sister and she has treated people so badly that they have ended up dead. But you could not say that she killed them because her methods are invisible. She will victimise anyone who dares to treat her as an equal, who stands up to her or gives her advice. She had a friend, Ellen, who had a brother, John. When Anna, my sister, first met John, she was attracted to him. But Ellen knew John's relationship history; he had always been unfaithful and started another relationship as a way of moving from one woman to the next without ever being alone. This inevitably meant a period of time when he lived a double life maintaining two relationships at the same time. Ellen warned Anna about her brother's behaviour, but Anna twisted everything inside out and told everyone that Ellen had lied about her brother because she was jealous of the relationship that Anna and John had started. Anna also maintained that Ellen was in love with her. Ellen was bi-sexual so this was a vaquely credible story. This was the propaganda that my sister spread amongst Ellen's family and so-called friends and amonsgst my family and the thing i can never understand is that everyone, as far as i could tell, seemed to accept Anna's lies. She says things with such force and authority that people really believe her and fall over themselves to win her approval by believing the evil malice that comes out of her mouth. Ellen found herself isolated and maligned whilst, in theory, she was still included. This was a soul destroying situation....all the people who said they loved and cared about her beleived this horrible lie that my sister had spread. But she was not free to walk away, this was the torture she endured, the confusion of a double message. We care about you but we think you are a jealous liar....the truth is that my sister was projecting her jealousy onto Ellen, she just seems to have this deep need to destroy people. Ellen was already a vulnerable person which made her the ideal victim. She started to drink heavily. But even when Ellen's warning about her brother's behaviour proved accurate and Anna found out that he'd had been having an affair with one of his colleagues for about a year, Anna did not budge. This should have been total vindication for Ellen but it wasn't, the judgments continued. Anna did not acknowledge that Ellen was drinking heavily because she had been betrayed, she was just seen as "loopy" and "unstable." And a sociopath like my sister is so ruthless, nobody dares to disagree no matter the cost to their integrity and conscience. Ellen sank lower and lower and eventually she became diabetic. But she did not get diagnosed until she went into a coma. It was too late. Ellen died. She was only 37.
She was not my sister's first victim and she will not be the last. I have struggled to survive. I live with the awareness that she wants to bring me down, that she has really tried and nearly suceeded at times in the past. I live in fear of the things that she might try to do. I have seen what she is capable of. I totally agree with the other people on this site who have observed that sociopaths have all thier energy available for evil. And that they do not give up or let go or change. I hate to admit this but i know it's true; I am my sister's most urgent target, the one who got away....
Do you think that maybe people can go through sociopathic stages? I know you can't CHANGE sociopaths but maybe they can change on their own without even knowing it. I feel that in earlier stages of my life, I found it fun and easy to be somewhat sociopathic, but now, I realize it is more fulfilling to not be that way.
Jana - It's extremely rare for a sociopath to come to the conclusion that you finally arrived at and change their ways and life for the better. At some point you must have realized "it wasn't working for ya". The fact is, most true sociopaths do not come to this realization or "awakening".
Many Psychologists believe teenagers tend to be both narcissistic & sociopathic (at least to some degree) and that this starts to go away in their early-mid 20's, unless they remain sociopahic, and if so, in that case, their evilness continues and their awful behavior escalates to a whole new level. And then from there it continues to get worse as the years go on and more damage occurs.
As far as your sister, I'd stay away from her even if it means "acting" in a manner where she will decide she doesn't want to be around you, b/c you "changed". Do whatever turns her off, not angers her but is a turn off, such as acting strange or whatever, but not fearful or angry. Start "acting", slowly and subtly start behaving in ways she wouldn't expect from you. Do NOT try to overpower her. Whatever she's getting from you&your relationship, just STOP giving it, and at the same time, shift the attention onto something about you she won't like (but don't make her angry and do not one-up her) so that SHE decides not to be around you anymore, not the other way around. She needs to arrive at the conclusion that you are nuts, you've changed and she wants no part of you anymore. Don't cause hurt or harm to anyone else while doing this. So, put your acting hat on, but be careful, sociopaths have to feel that they ended a relationship, not you. For them, it's all about winning and they do not like it when their "victims" escape. So, do not make her angry or feel she didn't win. If she does get angry or snap at you, act totally emotionless, sort of cement-faced, but not subservient, fearful or angry. If you have good self-esteem and confidence, it will work.
Research shows that people who do not get away from sociopaths, even if it's a family member, have significantly more serious illnesses and diseases. The type of stress they create, seriously damages and weakens the immune system allowing all kinds of awful things to happen to your physical body. So, Sociopaths do not only cause damage emotionally and spiritually and shoot a hole in your sole with out a care or thought ... they are also physically damaging, even if they're not actually physically abusive, they still cause physical damage that eventually can be fatal.
Look what's happened to the others she caused to die. You don't want to be next. You have more control than you think. She will NOT change so you'll have to instead. You did it once before quite successfully, so do it again. Good Luck.
You said, "Research shows that people who do not get away from sociopaths, even if it's a family member, have significantly more serious illnesses and diseases. The type of stress they create, seriously damages and weakens the immune system allowing all kinds of awful things to happen to your physical body."
This makes intuitive sense, but I think that's really interesting and was wondering if you could give us some links or recommended books with that research in it?
I read this some time ago & don't remember exactly & can't quote anyone specific, although Louise Hay, references this in a few of her books and in, "You Can Heal Your Life". She's not a Psychologist and doesn't cover Sociopathic Personality, but she does make reference to the mind/body connection as do Dr Wayne Dyer & Deepak Chopra in their books.
Their theory (I 100% believe) is when we're connected & feeling positive, whether it be enthusiastic, happy or simply content, our bodies are more likely to be in an "alkaline" state. When we're feeling negative or stressed or sad, fearful, panicked, anxious, depressed, angry,(the way one would feel being around a SP) our brains release bad stress hormones, adrenaline, cortisone, to name a few and we become acidic. Diet also plays a role in acidic vs alkaline. Junk food=acidic, while healthy, organicfoods=alkaline. So, it's possible to be acidic when not around a SP, while thinking/feeling upbeat & positive IF the diet is poor, ie,sugar, junk foods & sleep deprivation as well.
The parasites that cause Cancer/HIV/Diabetes & other diseases, & all bacteria & viruses that cause illnesses cannot survive in an alkaline body, but they ALL thrive and multiply in an acidic, stressed out body/environment. Holistic Drs have proven this. "Alkaline or Die", covers this topic.
We know that SP's make people feel real badly so it makes sense that the body becomes dangerously acidic when around them. Acidic creates illness/disease. Verbal/emotional abuse has the same negative impact on us as physical abuse. We just can't see the damage, the bruises are invisible.
Louise Hay talks about healing the body and the mind/body connection. She says, "Our thoughts create our future" & "Our thoughts can make us ill". Louise says she was raped by a SP when she was a teen and that it manifested as vaginal cancer much later in her life. She believes her cancer was caused by the SP and the outrage she felt toward this SP. She says by not letting go of the anger, she was allowing him to slowly kill her (even though he has already passed away)since the anger caused acidity hence her cancer, ironically vaginal cancer.
I read her books and just a few yrs ago, I cured my own breast cancer w/o any surgery, chemo, radiation or drugs. I remained "positive" in an alkaline state, and in the world we live in, it's not easy to do. I remained positive at least 90% of the time instead of only half of the time. For the bio/physiological component, I did cleansing & then took the herbals that kill off the parasites (and their eggs) that cause cancer & illnesses.
In order to achieve my goals and successfully accomplish the emotional portion of this Holistic Cancer program I was on for a 3 mos, avoiding narcissistic/sociopaths was a MUST. It wasn't easy. A relative, a narcissist/borderline SP...AND my next door neighbor, as well as my mother, are both (extreme)SP's. The female relative SP lives in the same house as my grandbaby. In order to be with him, I have to deal with her. But I managed to avoid the neighbor and my mother by acting "crazy" so they started avoiding me ...better if they think I'm nuts than me being sick.
Sociopaths are so destructive that their behavior actually causes the body of their victim to be acidic, even if they're not a physical/violent SP. Any involvement/being around a SP is like allowing someone to inject poison into your veins whenever they feel like doing so. Jana
2nd part of the last POST...The immune system is weakened when our body is Acidic more often than it's Alkaline. An acidic environment allows all parasites, bacteria, viruses and so on to thrive and multiply and the immune system becomes overworked. Acidic environment also upsets the balance and destroys the "good friendly" Flora/bacteria that keeps us healthy as it can't fight off the bad bacteria/viruses that make us sick and tired. Acidic causes an imbalance so the ratio of good bacteria to bad is almost like having no immune system. That's why when stressed out, for extra pre-caution, high-quality ProBiotics are a good idea.
Being with a SP is dangerous in more ways than one. You feel negative, angry & stressed when around them or when thinking about them. This can cause us to become acidic/inflammatory. After many years of being more acidic than alkaline, it finally takes it's toll and we get really sick. Sometimes we recover, sometimes we don't. The mind-body connection is strong. It's possible to kill someone over a long period of time without touching them but just by being abusive, nasty and evil towards them...but one can only get sick if they're stupid enough to let a SP do that.
I also think for people who are really SP's, it should be included in their background record/report that they're an SP. Why should they be able to get a job and ruin everthing for the good people who are team-players at work? Why should they have a drivers license? Why?... so they can be the road bully and tailgate? I think they should not be able to get away with their behavior and instead of no consequences, there should be severe consequences...IMO -Jana
Jana,
Thank you for answering. It definitely makes sense that SPs can make you unhealthy. Anything that stresses you out in a chronic way can negatively impact your health, and SPs can cause a lot of stress, to say the least!
This blog is very helpful in offering insight into the minds of those considered to be inflicted by this terrible disease. I myself have battled with several of these issues, but I think it has more to do with my insecurity in life. I continuously bring people down around me when I feel depressed or cornered, it is something I realize and regret but during the heat of the moment it is a reaction I have. It is tough for me to deal with people saying that this is not curable. Most people need the opportunity to be understood and leaving someone who you believe to be a sociopath could lead to a fatal result. I would think twice before diagnosing someone as a sociopath and just try to be empathetic to their situation...I'm not saying to give in but what I am saying is to attempt to reach these individuals on a deeper level. It may just end up being what they are calling out for.
Very true, I agree with most of what you've said in your Post. I do think Sociopathic behavior is a disorder, not a disease. I'm not a Psychologist/Therapist and I'm not judging or labeling anyone. I simply see Sociopathic behavior as a serious disorder, that affects the lives of many. SP's lack empathy, they have no conscience. That's not how you've described yourself.
Being on the other end of this, and a survivor of a mother who is Sociopathic, and a few others as well, I do not agree that SP's can be helped. I think only a very small percentage will benefit from love, understanding, compassion and assistance from others.
Most SP's don't care that they are the way they are. They think the problem is everyone else. So, they can't fix or address something they aren't aware of, or that they don't even acknowledge. Most SP's do not admit that they are SP. Most will not admit it b/c they aren't aware, and they don't care. As I said, they lack a conscience. People who try to help them can't get through.
I can't say for sure but from the way you described yourself, it sounds to me more like depression and occassional serious control issues than that of someone who is a true Sociopath. You have the power to fix what isn't working for you and change whatever you don't like about yourself. If you are not happy with who you are, make some positive changes.
On another note, I do agree that we all need to be more compassionate towards one another. I think the main reason for the current, unfortunate state of the economy and high rate of depression, illnesses, and high suicide rates are, for the most part, due to BOTH greedy Sociopathic people AND a lack of compassion in our society. "I only care about me", attitude prevails. People don't care as much anymore or as much as they used to.
I was born in the early 50's. When comparing the first 4 decades to the past 2 decades, early 90's to current, the difference is huge. I think much of the world's current woes are due to a lack of concern/compassion for one another coupled with sheer greed and, "I don't care about anyone else attitude". Jana
Eric I've been reading your posts and I find them fascinating. It is said that a sociopath cannot keep one job for a long time and you say that you manipulate and hurt people mostly to prevent boredom. Have you ever thought of working in an environment where only the toughest survive? Say, the entertainment industry? It would be challenging and there would actually be material gain instead of just a feeling of self gratification. It seems to me that you are born with a gift; (it depends on how you look at it but) you lack the very thing that makes us weak. Along with your intelligence and knowledge of human emotions, you really could be on top of the world.
I have often thought that it takes a tremendous ego to be a political leader. I wonder how many of our politicians are sociopaths.
I am a 52 year old man, who got involved with a 20 year old women. Using Dr. Hare's checklist of Sociopathic Traits, I belive this women to be a sociopath. Also, using Dr. Hare's checklist for victims of sociopaths traits, I have a victims personality.
I will call this women, Alivia. She is the daughter of a very good friend of mine. She came to work part time with me and began to immedaitely size me up. She revealed that she is an escort. I took it as my responsibility to help her end that lifestyle. I fell right into her trap.
There are two major factors that have been mentioned in these blogs that have to be understood in order to free yourself from the sociopaths control.
First, it is a game to the sociaopath. The more vulnerable players the better. Alivia is an escort because she has thousands of players she can have play her game. It is my opinion that most men who want an escort is not for the sex per se, but for the attention and false love that they receive from the escort. This is perfect prey for Alivia. They actually pay her to play her game.
Secondly, in order to end the game, you must leave quietly. Don't gloat that you won the game by leaving. Do not engage with the sociopath ever. You will win, they will hate it and eventually get bored of trying to keep you engaged in the game. They will move on thinking that the still have control and won the war. But you know different. Because to leave the game and regain control of your life is the biggest win of all.
Good luck to all of you
As an aside, the Eric in the earlier posts, if not the latter (I haven't read them all) is using this sight for game players. Just like Alivia uses her escort sights forthe acquisition of players.
I recently ended a friendship with a sociopath. He told me from the very beginning that he was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, and was very honest with me about how he was. He was probably honest because he was aware that I'm intelligent and am studying psychology. Eventually, he did try pulling his tricks on me, it didn't work.
I have gotten an uncountable number of requests for help from parents or grandparents of a child who seems like a sociopath. They want to know what they should do.
I almost always recommend that they find a therapist for themselves -- especially one who knows about sociopathy, and to learn more about it themselves, but beyond that, does anybody know something that can be done? These parents and grandparents want to know something they can do to help the child, to save the child. It's one of the most persistent, urgent, even desperate requests I get, and I feel deeply lacking in anything helpful I can recommend. Anyone?
There is nothing you can do to save a sociopath. They do not want to be saved. They protect their pathology intensely.
The best thing that loved ones can do is to learn about sociopaths. To understand that they are constantly game playing. They mix lies with truth to get their desired results.
One thing that can be done to at least get their attention and maybe stop their behaviour temporarily is to have loved ones do an intervention. They hate being exposed. They hate looking in the mirror and admitting what they are.
I am sorry I haven't provided any hope, or solice in my response. But there is no hope in saving a sociopath from themselves.
Brian, that's exactly how I feel when I answer these poor parents! I feel sorry I can't give them any hope or solace. It must be torture for these parents to discover their own child cannot be reached and can never be helped. It is gut wrenching. It must be like losing a child.
(Bell) I believe the best you can do for a young SP is to coach them on how to get by in life. Suggest appropriate careers, teach them to work with their condition and to police themselves, since they are the only one who can do it. They can't be changed, they are a lost cause, so work with what you have; e.g., using their own twisted logic, explain how kindness to others benefits THEM. They need to be TAUGHT that you reap what you sow, since they cannot see the obvious and don't care about consequences or learn from mistakes. They even need to be TAUGHT what I just said in the last sentence. Impress the importance of how good the
golden rule is good for THEM. People, ALL people, are objects to be used ... so teach them to take care of their things.
Eric, I have been reading your posts on here and it is quite amazing how you remind me so much of my husband (I'm still with him). He told me time and again how he had spent most of his life studying people and he told me that he picked me to be his wife because I fascinate and challenge him. According to him I have DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). He has also time and again told me that being emotional is pretty useless. Yes he doesn't have any remorse, often have told me that he doesn't do guilt...do not have conscience whatsoever. He puts every blame on me and none on him. He seems to have attached himself to me that according to him he will not leave me unless he has tired of me. I don't even know what is the point of this post of mine. Just saying that I am now at the point of waiting for him to "tire of me" so that he would move on and leave me. Until that time comes I have my several other alters to help me out and protect me against him.
I was in a realtionship for 4 years to a man who fits this profile perfectly. It is horrifying.
If you sense the possibility you are with one, run for your life and never look back. My world crashed in and after 2+ years I am still recovering from the emotional rape. If you think you have heard the last of him, think again. The game will continue. Be strong enough to leave and know they will never ever change.
They will suck the very life blood from you and tell you they love you. If you feel you are on a roller coaster, confused and doubting your own thoughts, chances are you are involved with a sociopath. It does not get better and before you know it you will have lost your soul to these predators of the heart.
I agree, it must be quite painful and must be like losing a child, except of course, when the parents are also Sociopathic. To comment on a previous post regarding Politicians and Sociopathic Disorder ... IMO, many, many Politicians and so-called "Lawmakers" are Sociopaths.
A well-respected Political Science University Professor said the legal profession attracts Sociopaths more than any other profession since lawyers do not really answer to anyone, nor are they held accountable, it's your word against theirs. They are in a position of power and they are in a position to abuse that power with no questions asked, no consequences, just the way they like it. So, IMO, the majority of Lawyers (not all, but most) are SP's. Even worse, many are Narcissistic-Sociopaths.
I believe one of the main reasons for the country's current demise is b/c the leadership is Sociopathic, many being (former) lawyers. An SP in power is like "the fox in charge of the hen house".
I'm not saying our President is an SP...don't know. Since we tend to like people who are most like ourselves, SP's hire and/or appoint other SP's, except for the few needy slaves now and then when necessary to help carry out the dirty deeds of these evil bastards.
My mother is anti social. Neigbors have told me that for over 20 years they have tried to have a relationship with her but would never answer her door. Relatives would come visit..refused to answer the door. She goes into these rants about every two three weeks and goes manic and speels off for days with angry abusive volitile words that cut like a knife. She constantly makes me feel like I owe her something..she gets jealous of my husband if I pay just an ounce of attention to him, of my 18 year old college student daughter if she calls me on the phone a few times a day..she lives in another state and going to college. She is jealous that we send her money and pay her rent..she says she should be supported as well. We live with her to take care of her..81 years old and failing..she goes whaco and beats up my husband and my self and then drops with a bp of 220 over 110..I call 911 and she tells them when they get here that we beat her up...this has happened twice. Deputys come and file domestic violence reports and we are asked to find other living arrangements. We sold our 200k dollar home we built 14 years ago to come here in fla to take care of her because she collapsed and almost died a month before that. she insults me in front of clerks in stores, she tells my family I steal her money, she calls [police and tells them I chase her with butcher knifes, she lost 9k dollars...buries is in side lots and forgets where she puts it and told my family my husbaND AND I STOLD IT as well as the police...says she wants to see us in jail...also collaped and got a golf ball sized lump on her fore head that blead into the skin and we called 911, who then called deputys...she said I punched her...hospital staff wouldnt even let me into see her. She has ordered us out of her house...we have paid all the bills last 5 hears..put over 14k into it and she sticks to her lies and says I beat her up. Hospital treated her like a queen and just loved her to peices. They treated me like dirt. I never layed a hand on her. She steals my jewelry, lies to my siblings, starves herself, steals money out of my purse, clothes out of my drawers, never apologies or admits to any of the lies she tells to the law, docs or to my family. She hits, punches, takes oxys, drinks, abuses substances, manipulates and cuts me to shreds. She even told me I was a bastard child..that my father wasnt my father...she is worse than joan crawford in MOMMY DEAREST. She never has any empathy or sorrow for any of her abuses. How do you walk away from your sociopathic MOTHER? I am torn in terms of what to do with her. She cant afford to support the houses she lives in. She has burnt all her brides with the rest of the family. Her doctor now believes she lies..I dont have her on my side any more. She is a master manipulater. What would you do. She has been hospitalized twice in the last two months. She was diagnost with left arterial kidned stenosis and syncope. she passes out often and stage two hypertension...very high...and shes NUTS
(Just Wondering) This question is for Adam. Are sociopaths evolutionary throw-backs? Are they like body parts that we no longer need, like appendices? Are they like the people in Turkey who have to walk with both hands and feet due to severe inbreeding? Is it some kind of gene that continues to express itself? The only thing that comes to mind for me is that sociopaths retain an animalistic caveman gene of some sort.
Just Wondering,
Those are some interesting questions. I have studied a lot about evolution, and it doesn't happen the way most people think. Here's how natural selection works: Each offspring is slightly different, and some will die before they have offspring of their own. Whichever variations survive will pass more of the successful genes onto the next generations. To eliminate a gene from the gene pool, the genetic variation must die before it has offspring.
I believe sociopaths are perfectly good at surviving. In many ways, they are better at surviving than non-sociopaths. So it doesn't seem likely they would be removed from the gene pool by evolution.
My suspicion is that sociopaths are normal in every way except they don't have oxytocin receptors. This is probably because of a genetic component, and it is probably a genetically "successful" variation (genetic success means "produces lots of viable offspring"). Sociopathic men often have lots of children with lots of women, and don't personally invest much effort in raising any of them. That's a genetically successful strategy.
I also suspect there are more men than women who are sociopathic, and it may be because it is not a genetic advantage to a woman to have lots of offspring with lots of different men.
I think our ancestors have been highly social creatures since the beginning of primates, so I don't think our ancestors would have been more sociopathic than we are now.
To the person with "Mommy Dearest in Fla." I would move out, far away as possible. Yep, I would let her fend for herself, and if she dies, she dies. Life is too short to live like this. She's 81, her life has been lived. You have some years left in you. Forget her and enjoy what you have left. Some people just have to die like they have lived. You are not responsible for someone who obviously hates you. Mourn the loss of the mom you never had and move on with your life.
I agree ... mourn the loss and move on. I know it might seem mean and disrespectful but it isn't. You'll surely regret it if you don't move on sooner than later. I speak from experience.
My mother is a sociopath, out of her mind nuts. She never cared about her children and we all suffered greatly. Now, we all avoid her and life is a whole lot better. My only regret is not doing this sooner. The best thing I ever did was to realize that I was making decisions when I was in a place of fear and anger and that I was operating from a place of guilt ... NOT good. "Honor thy mother and father", does NOT apply to sociopathic/narcissistic or otherwise psycho parents.
If you don't let go and stop feeling guilty, you will probably regret it. I know it's hard to do and easier said than done, but you need to let go and move on.
I mentioned in an earlier post that there is a link between cancer (and other serious illnesses) and long-term abuse. The source of the abuse is irrelevant. It doesn't matter if it is a spouse or a parent, all abuse is toxic. So, gradually but steadily avoid her and let go of the anger until you are free ... don't allow her any more power over you. When you take control of your life, your life will begin to change for the better. Good luck. Jana
Does anyone know why Sociopaths seem to live long lives and usually out-live the good people?
I know they're skilled at survival but is that the only answer?
ADAM,you seem very knowledgeable and insightful, perhaps you may have an answer or theory.
I know about 10 people who are clearly sociopaths. I'm related to a few. Many years ago, now and then, I worked with a sociopath, off and on. They're all since retired but still very alive & kicking and still aggravating the hell out of innocent people's lives. Almost all of the sociopaths I know of, or have heard about, are over 75 yrs old and are very well and alive.
A neighbor, who is in his late 70's, is a cruel inconsiderate sociopath and he's in the best of health, despite his evil ugliness. My friends ex-spouse is an 82 yr old sociopath. Two of my Aunts and one Uncle are all 80-something yr old sociopaths. My ex-father-in-law was a major sociopath (30 yrs ago killed his wonderful 60 yr-old wife & got away with it) but this monster lived to be almost 90. I know quite a few older sociopaths and none are seriously ill or dying. They all seem to thrive well into their 80's and even 90's, while some really great people who I loved, are now deceased. They were good people who died young while the sociopaths live on. Why is this so?
I'm also including those sociopaths I don't personally know but I've heard about third party, through a friend or former co-worker. They knew a sociopath quite well and they agreed with me that it does seem to be that sociopaths tend to live long lives while many good people die younger.
I've lost close loved ones, all were complete opposite of a sociopath; kind, generous and very loving, and they died young. For example, one of my dear friends died at the young age of 53. My wonderful younger brother died many years ago when he was only 30. The list goes on and on.
It seems so true, that the good do die young. Except for sociopathic organized-crime mob members who die young because they kill each other, why do sociopaths live long lives? How can this be? Is there any explanantion? JUSTWONDERING
That's an interesting observation, JustWondering. I don't know if it's true. It's possible that you happen to know some long-lived sociopaths but that it's really unusual. In other words, it's possible you have experienced an unrepresentative sample.
Our connections with people (if they are good relationships) tend to be good for our health. And helping others is good for your health. On the other hand, relationships and connections CAN be a source of tremendous stress, which is bad for your health.
I was thinking that sociopaths would have less stress because they don't care about relationships, and they would CAUSE more stress to the people in relationships with them who DO care.
I'm just thinking out loud. I don't have an answer. But it's an interesting question. When a researcher comes across this question, maybe she or he will be motivated to find out more about it, and we'll get some good answers in the future.
i have been living with my man for 9years
and on reading the information on ptsd it was like a copy of his behavior to a "T" he does get worse when smoking hash and drinking ( he can drink17beers a night ) Sometimes he is aware of his condition ......if he gets something in his mind he feels family or friends may have done he will leve and stay away abusing from a distance or remaining silentfor up6 weeks he will come back if lonley as he finds it hard to live alone has a friend similar to himself who takes a lot of drugs
he can be the perfect con artist and can be good to live with
i have known him all his life and have often wondered what was really wrong with him
i thank you for accurate discription of this man he will not seek help andi guess as i write this, this could be the end of our relationship and that ofour families .....our familys have been frinds for over 90 years and this saddens me greatly ......thank you again
I was married to a sociopath for six years, had a child and left him four years ago. I have a new wonderful man and full custody of my child. I have a no contact order however my ex has access. I have had numerous problems with him which I will not get into at this time however had a really good four months. Every other weekend my ex picks my child up from school. My child comes home quite regularly very upset about something he has said usually that she isn't allowed to love her step dad or play with other kids up here (the usual power control) I have not mentioned any of it to him in the communication book we have. I have just dealt with it here and not let him see its even bothering us. I did however just find out that since he hasn't gotten a rise out of me he has started to involve the teacher and principal at my childs school. They in turn call me and tell me that my child is having issues when I try to deal with it they report back to him. He however does not have custody but has been going in crying and complaining about me and making them feel sorry for him. My question: Is there any suggestions to helping me deal with this. I don't even talk to him and have lived in a happy bubble for a while now. My problem is that if I do stand up to him the only person that will suffer is my child. She is the pawn in his game. I do have a funny feeling the school thinks I am the problem as their attitude has changed towards me in the last few weeks (since they got him in trouble for returning her late for school monday morning after his weekend) They don't seem to get that I have nothing to do with this
(scat)
I am sure i have been with a sociopath for over 3 years. He exhibits all the signs in the previous comments: very charming to get what he wants,lies constantly and turns it around and calls you paranoid for accusing him, feels superior to others,says he loves people, but it doesn't feel genuine. I confronted him and told him my shrink thinks he is a sociopath. I read in earlier posts that is unwise to do, confront them. So now that i have, do i need to worry about revenge and other than moving what can i do to protect myself? Is he likely to hurt my kids, who are grown, to get even with me?
concerned
(scat)
I posted a comment on Nov 23,09. I also wondered if it is easier to get out of the relationship by talking to the sociopath occassionally without giving in to their demands and ease out of the relationship slowly, so they don't feel a need to get revenge. Or is it better to ignore them completely (which i have tried and only serves to enrage them)? Any advice.
Hi Scat,
My recommendation is to get out of it as gently and keep as low-key as you can. Phase them out of your life slowly if you can, arousing as little of their wrath as possible.
Protect yourself. And go on with your life.
I posted a comment November 23 2009 about my daughter and her school. Does anyone have any suggestions that could help me?
Thank you
Anonymous with the daughter in school and ex turning your child's teachers and principal against you:
It seems to me you have three choices. You can slowly try to educate your principles and teachers about sociopathy. You can move somewhere your ex won't find you. Or you can put up with the harrassment. None of these are good choices. Getting married to a sociopath is somewhat like getting herpes: You have the condition for the rest of your life. Clever sociopaths will avoid doing anything you can legally do something about. This makes it very difficult to protect yourself. All you can do is the best you can.
I would make an appointment one on one and talk to each of the people at the school who seem to have turned against you and educate them on the nature of your ex. Tell them STORIES of his past mind games to give them an idea of what he is like. Don't be hysterical. Try to appear as calm and rational as possible. Win them to your side. Prepare your comments ahead of time. Think of as many good illustrations as you can of the kind of game-playing your ex tends to do, and remind yourself of them right before your meetings with the principal and teachers. Good luck to you.
Reading up about sociopaths has me wondering if my roommate is one herself. After 3 months of living with her I am extremely uncomfortable living in my own home. She is constantly criticizing people and all around negative. I know she steals from me (small things, shampoo, soap, tampons and food) but when asked about it she doesn't own up to it. When she moved in she had a boyfriend, he was whipped, he would do anything for her. They dated until she got a raise at work and she was able to afford her rent on her own. But even after they broke up she would call him to take her shopping and out to dinner. He would be there at the drop of a hat. During their breakup she was constantly blaming him for everything and acting like she did nothing wrong. I lived with both of them and that was all bullshit. He was way too nice and gave her too many second chances, but once she sensed things not going her way she would make a scene and turn blame on him. He's moved now and she already has a new boyfriend who stays over EVERY night. Since he's been around her behavior has been worse towards me. She'll do things like take my dog to the groomer without telling me then brag about how happy the dog was and blah blah blah. I take great care of my dog thank you and I don't need anyone doing if for me especialy if they are going to throw it in my face. She is constantly causing problems with our landlords due to her unpredictable temper, I'm worried that it will get us evicted. I've lived here for a year and a half and it wasn't until she moved in that problems started. I hear how she talks about people from her past and see that she has many burned bridges. How funny in every single ruined relationship she claims to be the victim. I know a lot of these people, they're my friends and the stories my roommate tells me don't really add up. Based on this is it possible that my roommate is a sociopath or is she just a cold heart-ed bitch? If so whats the best way to deal with getting her out of my apartment? I worry that if I give her a 30 day eviction she will vandalize my property.
Please respond to distressed roommate.
I don't know if your roommate is a sociopath or not, but you should certainly stop being her roommate, just for your own sanity and well-being.
You could have someone you trust stay with you while your roommate is moving out, so one of you is there with her all the time to prevent her vandalism. If you can't find a way to get her to move out without protecting your valuables, you could always find another apartment yourself. It would be trouble, but it would be predictable, controllable trouble, which is not what you have now.
I posted my story on the 3rd of November...thanks for the responses. This is good advice! Creep away! I am also trying to warn other members of my family where i can.....when my sister loses me as a victim she will look elsewhere for another.....most of them are taken in by her so it's hard to get the message across.
I really don't believe that sociopathic behaviour is genetic. In my family it seems clear to me that my mother, who is extremely self-absorbed, raised my sister in her own image! My mother needed an ally..... having a sociopathic daughter made her feel and seem more normal. My sister is also going to carry on her lifestyle of evil control. Unfortunatly for my mother, she has also become a victim of her own creation; my sister has treated her very badly since my mother became more and more demented.
She is now 83 and, despite being very frail in her crumbling body, she clings to life. The last time i went to visit her, she hit me in the face as i bent down to say hello.
But my father died when he was only 58. Sometimes i think this was the only way he could get away from her. He was the most loving and wonderful dad and did what he could to protect me from her; he encouraged me to go into therapy just months before he died. So i have to agree with others on this site....sociopaths are dangerous on every level. And loving people can fade away under the pressure of human vultures......
Well said, Anonymous.
People say sociopathy is genetic because scientists have spent a considerable amount of time and money trying to discover what causes sociopathy. They've compared twins raised by different parents, etc. And they have found no correlations between sociopathy and upbringing. The major alternative explanation is genetics.
There is another explanation possible, however: some event during pregnancy or perhaps a disease very early in a child's life that causes the oxytocin receptors to die off or become unfunctional.
Anyway, the topic of what CAUSES sociopathy is interesting, but fairly unimportant or useful for those who have to deal with one.
To the Anonymous who was married to a sociopath and has a daughter. I agree with everything said in the previous post response. I wanted to briefly share my story as I can relate to your situation and dilema.
Many yrs ago I was married to a SP for 5 years. Three yrs later when our daughter was barely 2 yrs old, we got divorced. I let him think that he left me and although I was actually relieved, I led him to believe otherwise so that he thought I was outraged. I even had a "Good Ridence" party he never knew about. Although he wasn't physically abusive, he was a horrible person. He did all the same things you mentioned, especially bringing my young daughter home at midnight and other irresponsible behavior including contacting her school with made up stories about me. This went on for a few yrs. He always came across to everyone as Mr Nice Guy, but he was anything but that .. acted very charming, very convincing. He is now on his 3rd marriage and has a child with these 2 other woman for control reasons only as he has little interest in children and is never around to help out, although sometimes he did offer to "babysit".
This is important ... An emotionally distraught mother (as I once was) isn't really "available" to her children. Kids sense this and grow up with anxiety issues and often feel distraught. Sometimes they think it's normal, when it isn't or they know it is not normal but still have anxiety.
Anyway, sadly, I knew I could not raise my daughter the way I wanted to with my ex in the picture. I knew he would emotionally destroy both of us. The only reason he was around for our daughter was to control me, as he has no genuine interest in children unless he can use them as a pawn or use them to control.
Now, I'm not suggesting you do this but here's what I did. I started a new life by moving 3,000 miles away, clear across the country, from one coast to the other. I knew my ex hated to fly and driving 3,000 was not likely, so I felt safe. I didn't want to take her away from her father but he left me no choice. I knew he wouldn't pay child support and fighting for it from 3,000 miles away was not worth it. So she grew up w/o a father and I forfeited much needed child support so we were financially strapped, at least for a few years, but my daughter turned out to be an incredible, smart, educated, well adjusted, emotionally stable young woman. She is very popular and successful. I do not believe I could now describe my daughter this way had we stayed within 1,000 miles of my SP ex husband. Over the years, I encouraged lots of open communication with her, always age appropriate, when the timing was right. I left out the emotion, especially my anger towards him b/c it was not her fight or problem, it was mine. He was my ex BUT he was still her dad. I apologized to her for creating a situation where she grew up w/o a dad. She did not realize how nutso he was until she was a bit older. We moved back 20 years later, after my daughter graduated college.
I was not charged with taking her out of the state b/c his attys did not want to fight this battle w/o lots of upfront $$$ that I knew he didn't want to pay. I'm not suggesting you leave as I did, although maybe you can, don't know. I am just saying that I agree with a previous post. Having a SP ex is like having Herpes. Having a child with an ex who is a SP is even worse. Make plans. Make sure you make decisions only when you are feeling well, NOT when he has you all crazed and upset. Plan carefully and the right decision will come.
I have known a Russian guy (35yrs old) for over 2years now. He is a mature student who never has held down a job for more than a few months and for the last 8 years been a student in England. I met him at college and we got on well from the start. In the first Christmas he bought me a $400 pen. We then met up for drinks every so often. Gradually we would meet weekly and twice weekly, then he said he had no money so it ended up with me paying. I grew very fond of him and he seemed to like me. I thought he was alone in London but 6 months ago I found out by chance that he was living with a man (for the last 6 years) who paid for everything but got nothing in return ( I met him twice - he was very charming and kind). He is secretive; paranoid sometimes; tells lies and never apologises when he is in the wrong. I end up paying for everything. Once I met him he was wearing a new coat and boots costing over $1000. He said his sister paid for them (she probably did) – yet he owed me money! Recently a teacher of his had stroke but he showed no sympathy at all. I once was interviewed in the street for television – my friends thought it was great. But he said nothing and showed no interest. He treats waiters and other workers badly and is always complaining in bars and restaurants. But he can be charming company and is sociable when he wants to be. He now says he wants to visit Japan with me (I wonder who will pay).
He has lately been rude to me and told me that he is angry with the guy he lives with because he wont buy him his own apartment! All my friends and family dislike him. 8 of them have said I should dump him. My daughter saw a photo of him and said instantly ‘he is a sociopath’. An ex policeman I know says he is a conman. My mother says he will bleed me dry etc. The trouble is I like him and never get rid of friends.He has given presents to my mother. Is he a sociopath? Or is he narcissistic ? Is there one test to prove one way or the other? Or am I a silly old fool? Any advice would be great.
Phil
It doesn't really matter what label you attach to him or if he's a narcissist or a sociopath. If you are feeling badly about yourself when you are with someone (in a relationship) it's time to move on.
You can either move on now or pay the price later. You do have a choice. Let him think he left you. Sociopaths become angry and hostile and sometimes dangerous if they think they were dumped, so slowly get rid of him. Your current decisions will effect your future.
But based on your comments, he's probably both a narcissist and a sociopath. IMO, not all narcissists are also sociopaths, but all sociopaths are also narcissists.
In any case, and as the saying goes, "if you put lipstick on a pig, it's still a pig". My advice is to move on. If you stay with him, you are preventing yourself from meeting someone decent and loving AND at the same time you are hurting your family and friends since they do not like him.
Keep in mind that since your family and friends are not comfortable with him, they may not be open to helping you later when he drains you dry, emotionally and financially. Do you really want to put yourself and them through that?
I can't imagine why in the world you would want to waste time with someone so disturbing and who makes you AND your family and friends feel badly? Jana
hey all you idiots up there askin Eric for help.. if he's a flippin sociopath then why do you trust him to give you good advice?! what more would he enjoy than being able to manipulate ya'll and mess with your head too?.... I am 18 convinced that my ex girlfriend is a sociopath bc she had my entire family convinced that she had cancer and was physically and sexually abused from an early age.its now proven that it was all lies. she also lied about almost every friend i have that they had somehow mistreated her or had stabbed me in the back or something...Anyways She professed that she was in love with me two weeks after we started dating and i fell for it, and we dated over a year. Well now that she has moved on to another guy to manipulate, I'll go ahead and tell ya what I'm gunna do, I'm going to get even. She's a smart smart girl that never got her lies crossed. but i will devote just as much time to screwin with her as she did with me and I guaruntee you I'll feel a heck of a lot better after I get the best of her in her sick games.. Hey psychopath ERIC what cha think bout that plan?
Finally! Thank you. My mother fits the bill perfectly. I have tried for years to get her out of my life, though I could never quite justify why I felt such a strong desire to do so, I am forty. Now, following your article and advice on how to handle a sociopath, I know what I am doing is the right thing. I have not seen her for over a month and am regaining a sense of myself. I thought it was me! I was convinced that I was going mad! Thanks again, I am looking forward to finally living my life!
This is in response to the Nov. 30th Post.
I'm not Eric nor do I want to be. I just read your post about your sociopathic soon-to-be ex-girlfriend. I've been through what you are dealing with and it sucks.
Here's the best advice I can give you. Avoid being confrontational or accusatory and don't suddenly dump her. Slowly and carefully get rid of her. Make it seem as though you both grew apart and lost interest. Remember that you are dealing with a sociopath here, not a normal person.
Feel the anger, work through it, deal with it, then let it go and move on. Revenge will create unnecesary drama and chaos, and most likely nothing good will come out of it. Using another person to make her jealous is stooping to her level.
You may think you wasted your time and nothing of value came out of the relationship and certainly anyone would be fuming at what your girlfriend did (except maybe Eric) but here's what you did get. You can now spot a sociopath, you now have a sixth sense for sociopaths that most people really don't have. The chances of your being a "victim" of a sociopath again is slim. If it does happen again, you'll recognize the signs much sooner than you would have if you had never met her. Turn this sad, awful situation into a learning experience and grow from it instead of getting even.
Think of how miserable her existence is. She knows there is something wrong with her but at her young age she doesn't know what it is. I'd liken it to having physical symptoms of a serious illness that goes undiagnosed and not knowing what's wrong can drive one crazy. She has enough problems. You are not the only person she has done things to and you won't be the last. She'll create her own misery. Isn't that enough punishment? Just b/c she doesn't let you see that sad, depressed side of her, doesn't mean it's not there or that she's getting away with anything. Most sociopaths are miserable.
If you take this anger into future relationships or become mistrustful of others b/c of your experiences with her, they'll either wonder if you're a sociopath or they'll just dump you or avoid you.
The absolute best revenge is, without looking back, instead meet someone nice, whom you can trust, have fun with, who makes you laugh and who you share things in common ... and leave her in the dust. Believe me, this is truly the BEST revenge ever.
From this article and most of the information I read on sociopaths. Would it be fair to say that women are more likely to be sociopaths or at least show more sings? Think about it. Lots of women complain that they're bored, need some new excitment, history of dating bad boys. How about when they stay with an abusive partner? Lots of women make you feel like you owe them because they cleaned the house,watched the kids etc.. It's well known they even bargin with sexual favors.
How about when women go out to a bar and use men for nothing more then food and drink and give nothing in return? A women will dress in a certain way then blame others for how she is treated. If you think about it, it would seem women suffer more from these traits then men although men can take it to a more violent nature not to say women don't aswell. Just my two cents.
Is their a such thing as an evolved sociopath? While playing the game and even mulipulating ones self? Using myself as an example. I blend in well with others to suite my needs and for any givin reason (maybe I'm just bored) I'll pick at someones flaws not caring about the outcome. Some might say you are just a jerk or a-hole. But I'm quite good at it to the point I break someone down untill I get my fill. I will then munipulate the situation and build them back up again just so I have a source to come back to.
It's not something I think about I just do it. I also much rather break someone down mentally rather then physiclly because I feel it is a much deeper scar. I have loved once or at least I thought I have. Some might say that I just have trust issues now and that I have been scared. Maybe that is true to some extent. Or maybe I tried just to see what this love was about and really wasn't comfortable with it because it didn't feel like me.
When it comes to verbal combat and the damage it does friend or foe does not concern me. I can handle someone pointing out my flaws I couldn't care less and instead of getting upset about it I take it as an oppertunity to break a person down and go overboard on purpose.
I have people consider me a good friend because I listen and I even give advice. But my real objective is to learn the soft spots of the person and also use them as test subjects and I get my results when they report back to me. So now I know a situation I may face and am prepaired for it and can play the part and strike when I see that opening.
This is just a short glimps. So what am I...normal?
To the Nov 30th Post question from ANONYMOUS asking if more women or men are Sociopathic ...IMO, it doesn't really matter but since you asked you may want to read Adam Kahn's Nov 17th Post response, especially the last 2 paragraphs. Also, Adam Kahn's informative Nov 27th Post will also enlighten you.
Male or female, it doesn't matter as a sociopath is a sociopath. Either way, male or female, they will screw with you big time. I believe SP is probably a spectrum disorder. They can be anywhere on the spectrum regardless of their gender.
ALL SOCIOPATHS LACK EMPATHY. They do not have the ability to feel emotions the way most loving, helpful, kind, considerate people do. They are emotionally frozen, emotionally paralyzed. It's often hard to detect this disorder b/c SP's are quite adept at coming across as good people.
Many charismatic and popular highly-educated Ivy League Politicians are SP's. Sometimes it's the uneducated, moronic, idiot that lives on your street who is always causing trouble and disruption.
In reality, they are a wolf in sheep's clothing. They only care about themselves; beating the system, getting over, one-up others, and in general ... winning, winning winning. They are usually entitlement people.
It's a horrible existence. Most of the time they really didn't win, they just THINK they did. Everything is a game. I know a few SP's and they are the people who make the lives of others difficult, unbearable and miserable for no reason other than for the hell of it. They enjoy destroying people and relationships, outright as well as in a very subtle manner. They bring a whole new meaning to revenge. Most do not think they are a SP, they think YOU are the problem, while few are well aware they are a SP ... and don't care.
SP's think they are clever, but the truth is, there's a real fine line between clever and stupid. There are varying, different levels of SP's, so some are more extreme than others.
I've heard that approx 60% of all SP's are male and 40% are female, although I do not know the accuracy of this research or the parameters of the study. As I said earlier, it doesn't matter. If you are dealing with a SP whether they are a male or a female, if you are not aware and are caught off-guard, they will mess you up and enjoy every second of it. Hope this helps.
I have endured another Thanksgiving with my "mother" only to find myself anxious and not wanting to be there. Let me try to do a brief synopsis. I am 60 yrs old. This woman I call "mother" came into my life just after I had turned 3. My father married her after he and my real mother's relationship ended. He had been seeing my "mother" before their divorce. I call her "mother" at her insistence. She always told us (myself and my two brothers)that our real mother did not want us and had abandoned us. She was a stern disciplinarian throughout our childhood (her own 2 daughters somehow eschaped her rath) and often used a belt or switch on us whenever something went wrong. And that could be something as innocent a missing cookies. I was often shamed for being female. I endured and loved her all the same. But nothing I did was ever good enough. She used me as her maid around the house, my older brother escaped by excelling at sports, I wasn't allowed to stay after school because in her mind only "sluts" stayed after looking for "romance". I was humiliated and chastized in pulic often for being stupid or thoughtless. I grew up thinking I was and ran away from home at 17 to get married, at which time she told all the extended family I was pregnant and had to get married, which was untrue. At the age of 19 I did get pregnant, but I had left my then husband and moved home for fear he would hurt the child. My "mother" had me go into a home for unwed mothers because she was embarrassed and didn't want her neighbors or friends to know. She convinced me it would be the best for everyone if I put my child up for adoption. I was so emotionally weak, I acquienced. But just before my baby was born I had to go through another discussion with the nuns and I told them I did not want to give up my child. But my "mother" had convinced them I was unstable. Somehow they had gotten a Power of Attorney stating she was in charge of my affairs (I now know she had forged my signature) and a letter from one of her doctors saying I was not capable of taking care of a child. I was still married to my husband. Now I know it was because he would have been the first grandson of my fathers, she has since denied a connection with any other grandchildren except the ones born of her 2 daughters. I am so distraught to realized after all this time that someone who professed to love me could do this to me. She gained a great deal when she married my father, ie: money, proper ty, etc., which she has since put in trust for her 2 daughters. I have never been given anything of value from my paternal grandmother, who left quite a few nice things, and I never got to know my real mother's family because we were isolated from her. I can never regain the life she stole from me, but I hope with therapy I can discover who I really am without her "love".
A question for sociopaths...maybe (Eric).
If you are a sociopath, can you identify another sociopath. If so have you or anyone had a relationship with another sociopath. I am in a situation with 2 people. And I believe one is sociopath, but I'm not sure which one. So I'm wondering if both could be. Or if one is just causing the other to look like a sociopath to me due to the behavior and actions. It is very confusing. Because I feel like one may be, but I'm not sure which one is manipulating the other. However, I do feel like one is manipulating the other to do harm to people or attack if this makes sence.
How do you get a sociopath diagnosed? Does the MMPI2 do it? I know they can pass lie detector tests. I have a sociopath or a sociopath couple (if that's possible) I believe targeting me by manipulating my children's minds and turning them against me. This is the worst senario. I want them to focus thier boredom on something else. I am fearful for my children. I want to know what makes a sociopath stop or get bored with thier focus...
How do can you tell if your child is a sociopath thierself or being manipulated by a sociopath. Can a child be normal and then have a sociopaths non love rub off. Would a child sociopath bond and identify more with an adult sociopath or do 2 sociopath not care and use each other?
ERIC.....Do you think...you could...manipulate another sociopath? Would this be more pleasurable to you or a bigger challenge? Curious.
Married to a socialpath for 11 years (Blind and confused )going through divorce now !Our daughter received a heart transplant successfully years ago all of a sudden wanted to committ suicide...due to her father inappropiate toughing .....I never got enraged and angered with him about all the mental and emtional abuse I suffered but this event set it off ....His winning attitude blamed me and his mothers death of his stress....He filed first for the divorce under Unsupportability... I did not trust him over a 10 year old child and I was out of the will of God ...Underinvestigation now .....He is studing on his PHD clinical pychology Degree with homework being done by unattracted females pity for him being kicked out of his home by evil wife ....I'm in counseling to cope with layers of emotional pain ....Competed on my business ideas and how much I made ,everything was a game to him...Found Leviticus chapter 18 underlined -----always using the bible to make his wrong right.........I felt sorry for him for years and I feel sick to know i supported and was devoted to someone that was this sick---no remorse at all for anything .Now that I have time to think I see everything clearly . He kept me mentally distracted and continuely dealing with emotional pain .
I really think that everyone, before going off and thinking that people they know are sociopaths just because they read this article, need to go out and do some more research on their own. There are many things in this article that are not quite true, no matter how many may BE true. First of all, there ARE ways to combat Antisocial Personality Disorder. Therapy doesn't always work, but strong people who are willing to help and keep a support system for the Sociopath do. There is a whole complicated mess of what to do with people like this (different with each one, as this disorder is, like many others, on a continuum). It is also a disorder that is a mix of biology and environment. Signs may show as early as three years old, and in fact people who have loving and supportive households at such a young age and who have a group of people to help them CAN be swayed slightly away from such destructive behavior as was described in this article. True, there is no conscience with these people, but that does not mean that they are all as destructive as this article makes it seem. Again, I just want people to go out and do some research of their own before coming to conclusions and completely ousting these people from their lives. Especially after not having a real diagnosis? That's horrible. And whether or not the person HAS ASPD, doing this will only make the situation worse.
More education is always a good idea, and being VERY careful of a diagnosis is a good idea if the person is a child or in your care.
But regardless of whether the person is definitely an SP or not, if an adult is ruining your life, it is NOT horrible to abandon that person and get on with your life. Take care of yourself. It is not your responsibility to save someone who is lying to you and hurting you.
Well said ... I totally agree with Adam.
If it's a child we are talking about, then yes we do need to do everything to help a child before giving up.
But if we're not talking about a child who needs help, then anyone who thinks it's ok to endure someone hurting you, espcially on a regular basis, either has not actually lived and experienced the true rath of a Sociopath, first-hand, and have not been victimized by one so they can't imagine how disturbing it is, how sick their behavior can make one and how it negatively impacts the quality of one's life ...
OR ... perhaps they themselves are a Sociopath ... sticking up for their own kind.
Most abusers have no concept of what they put their victims through ... and don't care.
My elderly mother is a classic Sociopath, so I speak from experience. My childhood was Hell.
Also, my older sister, my ex, and a former boss, are all (diagnosed) Sociopaths, and are all now in their late 50's. They've caused decades of irreparable damage to others, and do not care.
If I still had any kind of a relationship with any one of them, including my mother, and had continued seeing them, by now ... I'd be dead. And they wouldn't care. NotaSP
I know my Sister is a sociopath, by what she does and how she treats me and others. I, though I am a very emotional person, am the black widow to the sociopath. For every villain there is a person very capable of handling them. I use emotion to make them do what needs to be done. How? A sociopath hates looking bad or looking weak, and what-ever may cause these things. They hate being caught doing bad things. The reason. No one can be used who hates their actions or deeds. True, parents can be used, but, it is funny how the sociopath can be made to do what is right. Remember, the sociopath has stated they use dought to get what they want from others. You see, it's like using a carrot, making the sociopath feel they have lost control, they behave for a while, if you give them a little something. Threaten them with giving up on them every time they mis-behave, and they must out of survival cave in for a while. Because they feel nothing, they really have no idea they the sociopath are getting played. They are useful, as they are ruthless, but, in order to keep them in check, always keep them where they fear loss of control and like they have lost important battles. Not by you, they will defeat one person, but a group or organization against them is a good enough deterrant. Religion,companies, family groups, peer groups,get together groups will do for this purpose. I never let them know I know who and what they are. I go to the biggest gossip and say something casually that the sociopath has done to them or a friend of theirs I heard through the grapevine. Grapevines cannot be defeated even by a sociopath. But this only works if the information is true. The fear of what others think of them is the greatest weapon against a sociapath, as well as making them think they are winning, then without them knowing or guessing, pull the rug out from under them. Like a dog, they will always come back to get the rest of the bone, if you only give them a bite of it. A dog feels nothing, but the dog always perfoms for the emotional master to get the treat.
Hi I'm a young, single mom, who is in the midst of a relationship with a man that exibits all these signs! I just wanted to say thanks to ALL for your comments, sociopaths included! I believe my father is also a sociopath and has tortured my mother for years! When I was young I ran away, struggled to survive and eventually got involved with the martial arts and got my college education! I became a strong, intelligent woman with a great big heart! Love people, animals, and believe altruism can exist. However, around 2 years ago I met a man that sucked me in like a black vortex of pain! I'm gonna get out and I'm using my fear and anger as a means to this end! I just wanna say after bein raised by one I should have seen the signs, been prepared, but I gave the benefit of the doubt and now I'm living my childhood all over again while my kid watches, I DON'T THINK SO!!! Rise up my fellow V'S, become the warrior and defeat these souless monsters, by getting away, cutting them off, whatever it takes! One day I pray for a sheild or radar for this but for now my will shall prevail!
This article described EXACTLY my husband's behavior his whole life and he is now 35. For the longest time I wondered why, how and if there was something different I could have done until recently. I had begin to think that his problems are severe within himself and have nothing to do with me, our marriage or our children but himself and I cannot help him nor continue to be with him without causing hurt, pain and destruction to me and our children. He walked out of our life, marriage, family and it was devestating until now. Knowing the truth of what he is and that he will continue to be this person makes me feel better in a sense. I feel better knowing that him walking out is the best thing for me and my children. I feel bad knowing he will always be this way and continue to cause torrement and grief to others even when I forewarned them but I did my part in warning them and leaving them with the obvious. I really have appreciated this article! It has brought SO much into perspective.
I know two sociopaths, one male and one female. The best way to deal with them is to treat them like normal human beings, with kindness, but to also remember what they need from you. That way, you will always have emotional collateral with them. It's a fine line to tread. I have been afraid of both these people, and I will be seeing them both for a long time to come even though I obviously would prefer not to. I subtly exert the power I know I hold in their lives, but nicely and sweetly. If you know a sociopath you have to keep in your life because they're a family member, or you work with them, you should try my strategy. Hope it helps.
I am hoping someone has advice for how to deal with someone you believe may be a sociopath who is now in the role of caretaker for a family member who has been incapacitated. I have tried to follow what advice I have seen in trying to cut the possible sociopath out of my life and only have contact with my family member, but this has resulted in renewed rage from the person I believe is a sociopath and an attempt to bar me access from my family member. I have asked my family member to leave the possible sociopath both before and after the incapacitation occurred, but this person is still choosing to stay with the possible sociopath.
I don't want to give information that can be personally identifiying for obvious reasons, so I apologize for the lack of details, but if anyone has advice for how to deal with a situation where a possible sociopath is gatekeeper for an incapacitated family member I would very much appreciate it.
Thanks,
CA
I suppose I should add one bit of information--the family member described is my mother.
Thanks,
CA
CA, you have encouraged your incapacitated family member to get away from your mother while it was possible. Did you educated the person about sociopathy? Why did the person refuse to follow your advice?
The reason I ask is that if the incapacitated person chose to stay with your mother even after knowing what kind of person your mother is, that is their choice, and you might have to let that person go too. You can't MAKE people do what's in their best interests. You can try. You can educate. And apparently you have. But you can't save people from themselves.
I apologize, my attempt to be unidentifiable made me be unclear--the _incapacitated_ person described is my mother, and the caretaker/possible sociopath is my stepfather. I did not educate her about sociopathy prior to her incapacitation because I always thought it was just the nature of her and my stepfather's relationship--I did not realize until recently, doing research, that the behavior patterns described as sociopathy seem to perfectly describe her caretaker both before and after the incapacitation.
So I didn't specifically describe sociopathy before to her; I only, generally speaking, said to her that it was a toxic relationship she needed out of. I honestly do not to this day understand why she did not heed my advice on this, as she frequently would tell myself and siblings that she hated him.
I suppose to really get advice I need to try and be a bit more forthcoming--basically, my mother's incapacitation is a result of brain damage. It has resulted in issues with her ability to communicate verbally, with possible cognitive damage that is difficult to assess. However, she can answer yes/no questions and there has not been declared a guardian over her or anything similar (to my knowledge). Since the incapacitation, I have expressed the same comments to her about her husband being toxic but have not explicitly mentioned possible sociopathy. She continues to indicate she does not want to leave him, but whether this is due to her not understanding the situation or because she has the same feelings as she did prior to the incapacitation is difficult to assess.
What triggered my research into sociopathy was only very recently, as a result of my stepfather's latest tirade, where I see now, after having done some research, that I fed into his emotional bait exactly as he wanted by responding angrily myself, detailing every instance I believe he behaved inappropriately. Since that time he has barred access to my mother and then allowed other family members to see her, leaving my access to her in a somewhat unclear state. He has cameras installed all over her house and we have reason to believe he listens in on her phone calls. So as not to be misleading, the cameras were originally installed to watch her while my stepfather wasn't present to make sure she is safe, and not a control measure, although I feel they are being used for that purpose now. So as a result I believe my ability to educate her about what I've newly learned about sociopathic behavior without my stepfather hearing is limited. It is still a course of action I am considering but am not certain it would be a wise or productive one, given his surveillance.
So I've ordered the Sociopath Next Door book recommended above, but while I wait for it to arrive I thought I'd get some general feedback here. I am completely at a loss as to how to deal with this situation and be able to see my mother and yet keep my stepfather from negatively affecting the lives of my family members who are _not_ choosing to interact with him.
I very much appreciate this site even if there is no good advice for me or if I have been too oblique to get it; the resources here and the links provided have been huge eye openers, and it is at least good to finally be able to rationalize some of my stepfather's behavior in the context of a mental illness. I am very grateful to you for having this site.
Thanks,
CA
I was friends with a true sociopath for over 10 years,everything that I have read pegs sharon to a tee. Everything! She is a sick twisted selfish person.She rape,stoled everything that reprsented my family. All that I can say to people who are not sure about if someone you care about is a sociopath WATCH OUT because you will end up with NOTHING emotionaly,personal items,friends etc.
To CA: Does your step-father physically or mentally abuse your mother? Does he neglect her needs? I would check for bruising, her personal hygiene for cleanliness, hair washed, nails clipped, (inspect her from head to toe). Look in the fridge and pantry to make sure there is adequate food. Check for cleanliness of house. Check to make sure certain safety measures are present to prevent falls in the house. If he had to install cameras to "watch" her for safety reasons while he was away then this is a person who should not be left alone. EVER! It would be like parents leaving young kids alone with cameras. The law would never allow this.
Make an appointment with adult protective services and speak with one of their case workers. I had to call them for my grand-mother's well being. I did get guardianship and got rid of her caretaker. They were very helpful. You may want to speak with an attorney also. If you don't have a strong case now, start keeping journals on what you have witnessed and others have witnessed concerning your mom's care. Yes, it will anger the SP but if your mom is being neglected in any way then that takes precedence. Normally, I would tell those involved with a SP to run away but your case involves possible neglect of an elder. One more thing, be prepared to take over legal guardianship of your mom if abuse is found. Adult protective services are more willing to help you if you are willing to take over care.
Is it possible to have a sociopath who has feelings?
My ex fiance has all the characters of the sociopath--but i feel that the love he proclaimed for me, was not an act, that he really does love me. Could i be wrong about this?
Bubba Gump
Bee that is a great answer. You come up with really practical, useful comments. Thank you for contributing to this forum.
Bubba Gump, yes of course you could be wrong. Sociopaths often try to make people think they have normal human feelings (it makes us a LOT easier to manipulate). Have his actions sometimes contradicted what he says?
That is good advice--thank you both Bee and Adam, very much.
Thanks,
CA
hi
i had the misfortune to meet sociopath women and fall in love, now 6 months before i met her my brother had died and i was still finding it difficult to move on from this, i myself was from a broken home and had my own personal issues to deal with, which i dont really want to go into any detail of stemming from early childhood, but what i would like to say is ,i had a kid with this women, and she has practically destroyed my life and for last 12 years i have been a recluse, she used all the tricks of a sociopath, beleive me she sent me mad and i had a breakdown 6 months into relationship, i have only just realized in the last few days by accident what she really was and still is, i checked through the criteria and she has every trait, i was shocked it was like finding a DNA match. we split up after 18 months , and in the last few years she came back numerous times and stayed with me and made my life hell, i am now starting a legal fight for my responsblitys for visatation for my son. these people are evil to core, she loves animals and has made lots of freinds on the internet through this hobbie, presumeably to show the world she really has a caring side. now i have to begin rebuilding my life again, feeling more positive now, feel like i have a future, thats waiting for me. i send my love to anyone affected by these subhuman creatures. godbless
Thank you. I am taking your advice. I felt like I was in a fog. Nothing made sense. It does now though after reading your words. Makes perfect sense.
The sociopath I know just got caught doing something very illegal business wise. He is a high powered millionare sociopath. Everyone always assumed it would happen at some point or another, so I am not surprised. There is going to be major consequences to these actions and he is acting very very stressed and even cried. Is this normal for a sociopath. I thought they couldn't feel? I read that some can cry. They don't cry from guilt, but rather because they are caught and in a narcassistic way. They don't cry for others or feel for others, but they do occasionally cry for themselves and it's not necessarily an act during those times. He lost everything in his life in one day. So could he feel this pain and cry for himself? Or not. I know he doesn't feel any empathy or feelings or emotions for anyone else including his kids. But in this situation??
Rephrasing last question....can a sociopath suffer and feel emotional pain and emotional stress due to being "caught" doing something bad if he is focused on his image and something has tainted or exposed him? Can they feel any stress? What do they feel when they are suddenly exposed or caught doing something extremely bad that implicates them negatively or sends them to jail, ect. Do they stress for themselves????? That's the questions. Kind of confusing.
To the Anonymous above:
A disclaimer: Although I am not very empathetic by nature, don’t have a conscience, am completely amoral, enjoy playing mind games and so on, I do not consider myself pathological. In other words, I don’t think of myself as a sociopath or a psychopath. My brain is wired a little differently, that’s all. Having said all of that, I have been called a psychopath before and I know that for many people, the traits I just described certainly sound sociopathic, which is part of the reason I’m answering the question. Another part is I’m bored stiff.
And now to your question… I’ll answer by sharing a personal anecdote. When I was younger, I set fire to a church as an act of revenge. I covered my tracks and was never questioned, much less prosecuted. (I’m well passed the statute of limitations, btw.) I do distinctly remember feeling agitated, even angry the next few days after. I was angry that I’d been pushed to such measures by the person I was attempting to hurt and yes, I was concerned that the police would trace the fire back to me. I didn’t cry, but I was… perturbed. I can’t speak for everyone who doesn’t have a conscience, but that was my experience. So yes, I do think someone who doesn’t have much of a conscience can feel distressed at the possibility that his/her plans have gone awry.
And a quick side note: it’s good to remember that just as for example all introverts aren’t the same in every other way, neither are those without consciences. Sure, there may be some similarities with regard to the suite of personality traits that are lumped together and called sociopathic. But beyond that, there are a wide range of differences that should be taken into consideration, like gender, race, socioeconomic background, intelligence level, which generation the person in question was born in and so on. Not all people who share these particular traits are going to react the same way, nor should you expect them to.
Francis, I would say you do possess the premier trait of a sociopath. It is so like a sociopath to burn down a church (or such other extreme reaction) AND then blame another for "pushing" you into it. Sociopaths blame others for what they themselves have done. Burning down a church is not a normal reaction. Trying to justify your actions by blaming another is what sociopaths are all about. I wish I had a nickel for everytime I heard "Well, if you wouldn't had done or said this, I wouldn't had...." This is the ultimate sign of someone wanting control.
Bee-A-Yewtiful -
I don’t justify my actions. To justify would require that I believe that I need to explain myself or to give excuses. Why would I excuse or explain myself? To whom do I owe explanations? I am my own highest authority. She had it coming and I decided to hurt her by hurting what she loved the most: her beloved church. It was that simple. It’s enough for me to know that she deserved it and then some. I could care less if my response to her provocation is considered “abnormal”. What really is “normal” anyway? As far as I’m concerned, “normal” is yet another empty and meaningless way to judge those who aren’t like you, an opportunity to label the dreaded outsider as pathological. I went thru a brief period of accepting the label sociopath, but I changed my mind after I thought about it a little more. I’m a big believer in independent thinking and self determination. I refuse to see myself as pathological just because I won’t play by the rules that needlessly constrain “normal folk”.
Btw, just to be clear, what I wrote should be read as me “conversating” rather than me attacking or defending or arguing. I’m just adding my comments to the over 900 that preceded mine. Picture me saying what I just said with a smile on face and a laugh in my heart. It is the holiday season after all!
This site is the best christmas gift i could ever have found! Please hear my story, My daughter is 19 years old, She is number 5 of 6 children. i have always known that something was horribly different with her. She has always lied about everything, even the simplist stupid things. examples: if we are all in the car and 20 min away she will say she has to go to the bathroom and get crazy dramatic, acting like she will die if we dont get her to a bathroom asap, i cannot descibe how dramatic she is then when we finally get home, she walks in and turns the tv on and doesnt use the bathroom! when i ask her why all the drama when she didnt have to go as bad as she said she did, all of a sudden im "attacking her" she has a "gift" of turning everything around! She has zero loyality to this family, and spread rumors that we abuse her that her sisters are "whores" that my husband beats our youngers son. we have never ever laid a hand on any of our chilren ever! when someone is sick she is immeadiatly at the hospital, she will make 100 phone calls to raise money for a sick person but when that person is not in the spotlight anymore, neither s she! she comes off as so caring when she doesnt care about anyone. she says how much she loves our dogs but if she is away from them for 2 days she walks in the door they jump on her and she pushes them down very nastily. she was mad at me and my other daughter caught he spitting in my soda! when someone is in the shower, she goes into the other bathroom and repeatedly fluhes the toilet to make the shower water cold! when caught, she yells at us for "spying" on her!!!!!! she also "needs" new clothes asap, makes it such an emergency to lend her money because she has nothing to wear, so she wears ,me down i give her the money she runs out gets the clothes and thney stay on a hanger in her room and she NEVER NEVER wears them! when i ask her why she lies and says something like, i rushed her to be home to soon and she bought the wrong size. its never ever her fault!so in sept after a huge argument ithrew her out which broke my heart but i felt i needed to protect my other kids from her evil ways, she left told everyone who would listen that we said "get out never come back and i hope you die" are you kidding me???? and i pray to god that people can see right through her and know she is lying. anyway she has only called us when she needed something, my husband her father was diagnosed with cancer last year nd she wont even speak to him, she plays the victim and im torn on what to do for christmas, she texted me today like nothing has happened and said what time is church christmas eve? i said "oh your comming on christmas?" she texted back and said, why woulnt i, of course i be there, i wanted to answer her what do you mean why woulnt you, you havent spoken to us in 2 months, but its not worth it, she doesnt get it!!! please help, do i keep peace, which is impossible and give her her gifts. or do i make a stand and say enough is enough.. keep in mind that our family sees this as a family is forever no matter what. and i also believed that until i read this.
My Ex, with whom I am still good friends with, her first ex is the most worthless piece of sh** I have ever met, and he fits every bit of a sociopath profile to a T. He even uses his own children as a weapon against her... We pray his current girlfriend wakes up and sees who he is before she marries this guy. I hope to make it clear to her in court this Tue about the real person he is... yeah, court, he is constantly taking my ex to court for untrue reasons, JUST TO CAUSE HARM AND HARASS HER, I like how on this site it says the ultimate goal of a sociaopath is to win! I hear that loud and clear!
I wonder how many lives have been wasted in pointless misery or out-and-out destroyed by the simple notion that "a family is forever no matter what."
Adam from my post last night, reguarding do you see her as a sociopath? i had always thought she was "passive aggressive" but with this website now i feel she is a socipath? by the way i ordered the books you suggested to get more insight. i would value your opinion on this.
Thank You.
Anonymous (Dec 21, 2009), my opinion is it is impossible to diagnose someone without a lot more information, but she could very well be a sociopath. She may have brain damage from trauma to the head. Has she always been this way, or did her behavior suddenly change at some point in her life?
If she is very consistently sociopathic and has been unchanging for a long time, maybe it's time to stop having any kind of relationship with her. If you think she is beyond help, maybe it's time to let her go out of your life, whether she is sociopathic or not.
This is a difficult decision, and you will, of course, have to take lots of different things into consideration. I hope you will let us know what you do, and how it turns out. Your experience could help others.
I was 15 when I met this guy. I don't think he was a sociopath but he said he had a lot of the characteristics. He lied about many things. He said lots of things that even as I heard them I couldn't beleive them. The only reason I talked to him was because I felt sorry for him. He ended up hurting me a lot and so I stopped talking to him.
A week ago (I'm 17 now) he gave me a note. Sorry but I couldn't help at least reading it. He said that he wanted to be my friend but he couldn't be my boyfriend with everything that has happened. I never wanted to be his girlfriend and turned him down the one time he asked.
Do you think he is a sociopath?
What do you think I should do? He keeps appearing where I normally go. He was once at the libery. I know he doesn't like to read.
Thanks for any help.
Hello, how can you say someone has no soul? Most people who seem to judge and classify a sociopath aren't one themselves so yes you can get most of the symptoms right but the mechanics and the reasoning behind them are slightly on que but only half of it. Do you know what it is like growing up knowing that you are different, this might be what you call a sociopath saying their self entitledment but how do you say that when you youself say it,and trying to find others like us but somehow knowing we would be condemnd as so many articles actually say to report this behavior to the authorities. Being ten or tweleve years old and knowing this. We do not have the same sort of connection but believe me we do seek help, we do actually try to have relationships and there are few that i've had that worked and do you know what? The ones that did are the one's who just accepted me. What kind of damage did I cause these people? Nothing I never asked them first. We are bringers of chaos but we're not stupid and if we know to cherish a certain relationship we will know how hard to push and when not too. (This would be manipulating, yes I know it sounds awful but I would not hurt someone just because I could.) For instance my mother whom I cherish our relationship as awkward as I might be with it, she helps me out with my finances when i'm low on money or spent something I should've have because your right we live in the now, but this is two fold. When I get my yearly bonuses i usually pay off bills way ahead of the months and give her money that I owe plus some because I know me. Would you call this someone who is out to harm the people that are their family and friends? I know I have to set up strict guidelines with people I know such as I typcially refuse to borrow money from someone but if I do I make a point to tell them to remind me consistently on a pay day and what happens I always pay them back. As far as socially well to be honest i'm in a field of work which requires relationship buliding and it's not in the same way i'd like too but a lot of them have the same hobbies and interests I do so I use this to bulid a relationship and the ability to have casual conversation. I do admit any kind of social event or occasion it wears on me greatly in such a manner it is actually exhausting but these are people I work with and live near so I know it is nessecary and am willing to make this sacarafice. My relationships with women is sort of non exsistent i live in a country that is not dominated by english speaking people so it is difficult to connect in any form i'd view as worthwhile unless they are educated in english enough. I am fond of using sarcasm and they don't pick up too well on it. So I am exteremely manipulative when it comes to meeting women but it doesn't matter if you meet a girl at a bar or a club I doubt she's there for many other reasons then besides too hook up. Back stateside I am not sure if you could say I fall for girls to easy or I just have a massive sexual drive but I would enjoy just chilling out talking with them I don't know or really understand it but my bedside manner has always been something i've never had trouble dealing with when I would be alone with them or shortly after. Most of the time i'd have to force myself into a situation where I would talk to them casualy until I did get comfortable enough in the intial part of the relationship. I just wanted to put something of myself here to let others know while people like me may have a difficult time saying "I love you" it is not impossible for us.
I have been studying Sociopaths for six years as I was (unbeknown to me during marriage) married to one for 23 years. That was my first mistake.. second mistake was reuniting with him after I left him....HUGE MISTAKE.. as from then on he set out to destroy my relationship with my 3 beautiful sons, friends and family. As he was/is a skilled liar he was believable to the gullible. Why did I choose this man? I didn't he chose me. Two years ago I realized my mother was a Sociopath and she had turned me against my father to the point I loathed him. It took 50 years to come to this realization and I now have a civilized relationship with my father and my mother is furious to the point she has now written to cousins crying to feel sorry for her. I suppose you could say I married my mother. The old saying 'history repeats itself' is very real and my advice to anyone who is in a relationship where someone makes you feel bad or makes you feel guilty is to 'run' and not look back. Try not to feel needy and once you conquer that your life will start to feel as though you are going forward. But please don't enter into any conversations with a Sociopath you are trying to leave) or any one who takes advantage of your good nature as the cycle will re-start. Easier said than done ';yes'. Pick yourself up discuss with no-one and get your life back on track even if this means to leave family behind as I have done. Before I knew of my mothers games I had spoken to her about sociopaths and now she quotes others as being a Sociopath. I believe it to be a very long and arduous battle getting back on track when you have been involved emotionally with a Sociopath as they attract or seek out gullible people to do their bidding to put you down and discredit your kind and giving nature. Sociopaths are everywhere and I believe more than 20% of the population could be of this nature and the numbers are growing as they are taught as young children how to behave as one. I would probably believe to survive in this fast paced, competitive and angry willed world to be a Sociopath would mean you are going to survive.
If you have attracted one sociopath you will attract more, the pattern is very difficult to break...free yourself from the hands of these manipulative, wolves in sheep's clothing, abusive people, escape and live life the way you want to...
Eric,
Thank you this is an amazing site. The fact that you respond to us to me is very impressive, so thank you. It is nice to have a third party to speak to reguarding this, as this is such a personnel matter. This is my daughter so this is very important, she is only 19.With that being said.... It was a huge decision to ask her to leave, however my words to her were "im a mother, my job is to protect, and when my other 5 children tend to be "scared" of her its time for me to protect and regain my household" She was unmoved as usual. Yes,Adam this has been going on for very long time with her. She lies all the time, i mean constantly, and isnt embarrassed when caught. She denises everything and takes blame for nothing. the way she words things even take her off the hook ALWAYS Example, she was pulled over by the police for not having her headlights on. too most people that is no big deal. She was so "offended" that she was pulled over by the police that her words to me where, OK So i didnt turn my headlights ALL the way on. but my parking lights were on"!!!! are you kidding me???? I have lost so much sleep over her. She is very dramatic. When someone in the family has passed away she is the saddest one there but if her phone rings, she is dried eye in seconds. she can turn on the charm instantly.As I said before, she will smile at your face then stab you in the back, her line is " no one understands me" or ill never see eye to eye with you" when we sit her down and try to show her that no matter what she seems to always be the victim, she gives us this crazy blank stare with her mouth open and nothing to say.Here is another example, last year in her senior year of high school we went to see her play vollyball, after the game i overheard her saying "i dont know why my family bothers to come to my games all they do is stare at their watches" when i asked her why she flat out lies about us, she of course denies it. and gets very offended. I know one thing, this is a huge step for me but i have decided that im done, i will not be a doormat any further, this is not typical behavior. the child doesnt know loyality if it slapped her in the face and as a parent i must PROTECT my family. This is killing me however, i feel in my heart this is the right thing to do. and i feel so relieved with my decision. Her friends parents think we are monsters. She acts like an angel to everyone else,so its hard for outsiders to even imagine why this child was asked to leave our home. but ill sum it up like this, for years now its such an emotion game and its exhausting, trying to stay one step ahead of her. If their isnt gossip or a pretty big thing happenening in her life she will make one up, and will stop at nothing. and again, this christmas is the final straw. She hasent even spoken to ANYONE even her 88 yr old grandparents, and she says out of the blue 2 days ago" oh what time are we leaving for church christmas eve" She truely believes that everything is fine and he ignoring us for 2 months is just ok and she will waltz back into our lives and ger her gifts.. The pattern ends now. Please pray for us, because this will be so hard, but in the end... it will be a breath of fresh air!
Carmella
Adam.........That last post was for Adam.... not Eric i apologize
I had a fling with a very charming, handsome
unemployed aerospace designer, who turned out
to be a homeless street addict. I have tried
to get rid of him for 4 years now, but he keeps
showing up on my doorstep or at the park or gets
my phone number and leaves obscene threats.
I finally just gave up and let him in the door,
well, actually he just walked in at 3 a.m . because
I had forgotten to lock it. I have had an order
of protection, he has gone to jail numerous times,
and I have left him at the park, hoping he
would go to the homeless shelter. I have given
him over $5000 the past 4 years,have paid his car
repairs, and have bought him shoes and clothes.
Everything is my fault, he still recriminates me
for calling the police, even accused me of being
to blame for the impoundment of his car, etc.
This guy may have PTSD from living on the street,
but he has the strangest way of twisting things
around in his mind. I will never know if
he truly believes his own lies or if it is his
way of blaming. He has some strong delusions, says
he is a genius and that his ex-wife wanted her
17 year old daughter to have his baby--yikes!
He thought he would win me over by telling me
how much he loved me, when I could see he had
no affection for anyone at all. He wanted
to move into my home and my life, because he
has a horrible drinking problem and can't work.
He is also paranoid and thinks his boss, his teachers, his housemates, everyone is out to get
him. He may have brain damage from drugs and
alcohol, I don't know. He is really scary, how
do I get this guy out of my life? He never
stays gone for very long. He will tell me he
wishes I would die a violent deatht and then he
is calling me on the phone a couple days later
like nothing happened. When I mention it, he
just laughs and says he gets mad when he doesn't
get his way.
Is this guy a schizo with sociopathic problems?
Ann
Just out of a 3 year relationship with what I now know is a classic SP.
He is extremely good looking, very smart, an uncanny insight into people, could always gauge my moods. I always felt something was off with him:
All his previous relationships ended badly, they were all "bitches who screwed him over". He blamed everyone else for his substantial problems. Rarely worked, though he was an expert in his field.
Could not say "love you", had to say "care for you". I lent him money for surgery, and I became his angel, it was blissful for awhile. Wound up taking care of him, he moved into my house, never gave me a dime the entire time. Things were always my fault, I did not sweep the floor right, take care of the dog right or load the dishwasher correctly. He NEVER forgot a fight, or grudge, could recite a list of things I had done wrong without any hesitation. Felt he was blessed by God with certain talents. Rarely slept more than 2 or 3 hours a day. Held secrets I had shared with him over my head to extort me into doing things for him, or continuing to let him stay with me.
The sex was unbelievable. He sensed exactly what I needed and gave it to me. It would last 1-2 hours. However, he rarely had an orgasm, maybe 20% of the time. Used the sex as a weapon, I had to have it whether I wanted it or not, since I became a "bitch" if I went too long without it. Would threaten me if I declined, although he always told me the sex was more for me than him, as it was his way of thanking me for all my help.
The last few months were hell on Earth, we suddenly got custody of his 11 year old daughter and that got very weird. She became his surrogate girlfriend, he would ignore me, quit sleeping with me, spent almost every waking moment with his child, who came from a neglectful mother. The child seemed to take perverse pleasure in my obvious discomfort as things began to go horrbily wrong. He once punched me in front of the girl, and she had no reaction at all. I was terrified, and his threats escalated to extreme violence.
He began to beat me every day, would box me into a room and not let me out for 2-4 hours, all the while screaming at me until I was a puddle of tears on the floor begging to be let out of the room. It was my fault, if I wasn't such a bitch he wouldn't have had to hit me.
I truly felt I was losing my mind.
He would not move out of my house since he had no where to go. I was a prisoner in my house, they were always home as it was summer. They would not even look at me or speak to me. Eventually he borrowed money and took his daughter with him, blamed me for that too. He had to move out because I was such a bitch.
He moved out, and I never heard from him for 2 months. He left most of his belongings in my house, refused to get them. I had to pay to have them moved, then he called screaming at me that they were moved "wrong" and his work tools were ruined. Called me a bitch and told me I ruined his and his daughter's life.
I have not heard from him at all since he left.
I ran into him 3 months later, he literally looked right through me, did not say one word.
That was 5 months ago, and I am just now beginning to come out of the fog. I know now that this was not all my fault, he was a manipulative psycho. I was devastated when he left. I am now so glad he is gone, and glad to be alive.
Do you think he will continue to leave me alone?
Floridah
I was married to a man who I thought myself was a sociopath...not at first of course, at first he was my knight in shing armor. We knew each other a short time before marrying, I would say the details of our decision to get married, but if he came across this he would surely recognize himself, lets just say he "tricked" me. Of course I take responsibility for being tricked, a small part anyway. After ten years I finally worked up the nerve to leave him. Problem is I had two children with him, one concieved as a part of the above, and one during a time of peace, and to please him, as he was always so happy with babies, until they could speak anyway. So now here I am, 19 years later and still having to deal with him as I have children with him. When I left him, I could write a book on all the wrongs he perpetrated and the stalking incidents. This went on for a year, and I finally went back to him because I knew if he wasn't the one to decide to leave instead of me leaving him he would eventually kill me. I was always looking over my shoulder, we were in court every week as he broke the protection from abuse order, the court and cops were'nt helping, only fueled his rage, and to this day it is "all my fault" he had to spend so much money on lawyers during that period, not his own fault for doing the actions he did to cause the pfa. I'm not talking harrassing phone calls there was that, but far worse. Car chases, wielding knives, and one time the swat team had to go to our former home as he had 2 relatives (female) inside and was stating he was killing himself and taking other people with him. He also physically abused them, to which he and the relative that were there deny today but I have the original report in the one reltives handwriting stating he had hit them both, etc.Like I said I couldn't take living like that, in fear all the time, so I got back together with him to put an end to it. He had to be the one to leave. We were back together for about 9 mos before he cheated on me, and I knew it for a fact, but waited for the right moment, when I confronted him with it, he told me to leave him....wasn't about to do that again, told him he had to pick and it would be his decision and his responsibility.If you ask him today he will have a very different story and I truly believe he believes it! Well I ended up with PTSD and before and during the time I sought care I became an alcohol abuser. I take responsibility and grieve that everyday, as all I ever wanted to do was be a good mother to my children, and by my self-medicating I took away from that and caused many problems myself. I am sober now-two years. But 2 years ago before I became sober, my 1 daughter got fed up, and moved in with him. I did not fight her on it as he's engaged to a great woman, and he seemed to be better. Not so, as he is now doing the same things to my daughter as he had done to me, making her feel trapped and without the option to leave.
sorry it didn't fit...above con't She is 17 now, soon to be an adult, so one would think not too much longer, but its not so, he digs his claws in and makes your life a living hell if you go against him or try to leave. We never changed custody in court, and many years ago when I originally left, the judge ruled me full legal custody. She wanted to stay here the other night and he refused, when we both told him he can't say that as I'm her mother he said he would just take her car away, which she paid for herself, and paid for the insurance but-its in his name-a little trick he pulled on me too, nothing in my name. I found myself doing what I did for years and let him have his way w/o much of a fight to just keep peace. She works, goes to H.s. and college, and just now finally got her licence and life is so much easier with a car. Also she is about to graduate H.S. and does not want to change schools months before hand. He has stated I'm lucky he let's "his son live with me" since he can be so charming and had a lot more money, I was always frightened if he tried to get custody he would, especially in the past when I had a drinking problem. Now that I'm sober, I'm not as afraid, but I will admit, the fear does hang over my head like a dark cloud that somehow he will swoop in and take my son legally. My son is over 14 now. If not legally, by using his charm to paint quite an ugly picture of me to him as he did with my other daughter. So what does someone like me do?I have no choice but to have him in my life to a degree because of the children. I went to http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html and the description, 15 different traits he fits 14.I know 4 more years until my son is 18 doesn't seem long, but believe me its an eternity. A counelor that he saw as a court mandate a long time ago when I originally left said he was a sociopath, so I know I'm not the only one that sees it, but like I said he's real charmer, has money, and knows people in high places, so now what?
sorry it's so long, just really wanted to lay out the whole scenerio. There is help for people in current relationships, but have't come across any for people who left, but share children.
I just recently broke it completely "Off" with a person whom I considered a 30 year"Friend" and three different times..a love interest. From now on when I think of her I will forever also think of the Character Katherine in the mini series East Of Eden played by Jane Seymour.This woman as far as I know has never killed someone. But she has manipulated lovers and friends into giving her an almost job free life over her years. I recently broke it off with her because she blamed me for the emotional affair we had over the miles for the past two months."You should have known better you are married"And.."It's not right and you know it". I told her while I take partial blame she knew I was married too and that I didn't have the affair by myself these past months. She did so because I am about to come into a small inheritance in another few weeks when dad's estate clears probate. This has been her track record as long as I have known her. She made a mistake in calling ME the other day to tell me it was all my fault because I had promised her $2,500 dollars to "Help her out". I believe she must have found greener pastures and didn't want to wait. I am thanking God right now that she did so before I got the inheritance. because I need the money more than she does. I am so glad to rid of this leech!
I belive my twin brother is a sociopath. What seems to be missing in the stories here is the killing and torchering of bugs, wildlife, pets and people. My brother enjoyed cutting me with a razer as I slept. He did it as a test to see if people would walk up after being cut.
Based on your post, I also believe your twin brother is probably a Sociopath. Your life may be in danger as his behavior is totally unpredictable.
However, one can easily predict that this situation will escalate. I'm not tryting to scare you, but you do need to get away from him AND bring this to the attention of the appropriate individuals/authorities. I can't stress this enough. It WILL get worse, not better.
He has probably been committing unspeakable acts that you do not even know of. You don't know everything. If he is abusing people and animals, as you mentioned, then you immediately need to step up to the plate and do something about it. The cut he gave you from the razor should serve as some proof.
If it were me, he'd already be sitting in prison. I would have made sure he couldn't and didn't abuse anyone else, children, as well as pets and animals.
Anyone who mistreats or abuses a person or an animal, especially those at their mercy or who they have some control over, needs to be put away.
There is no cure for Sociopathic disorder, and as I said, they move on to committ worse acts. It WILL get worse, NOT better. Don't launch into denial or stick your head in the sand or pretend it will just go away.
Tell an authority and/or someone you can trust and who you know will help you. Be real careful who you approach because if your brother finds out, he will seek revenge. Sociopaths always seek revenge. Do NOT confront him. You need to be real careful and protect yourself as well as others.
If you choose not to take action (and real soon) and do something about this, you are just as guilty and evil.
(Bell)
Wow, a real-life good twin & evil twin? Fascinating! You didn't say if you are identical. If so, there's another reason to expose your brother, before people mistake your identity. You didn't mention your age, either, but I have a feeling you're teenagers, seeing as how you're living with him and perhaps sharing a room, with him able to cut you in your sleep like that. What kind of demonic mind experiments in injuries to others? You know the answer.
I take exception to the last sentence written by Anonymous above, but agree that tolerance is an SP's best friend.
You raised a wonderful example of sociopathic behavior in "East of Eden". The movie starts in the middle of the book and doesn't nearly capture the SP nature of the mother, Jane Seymour's character. Can't remember the name of that character, but Steinbeck paints an accurate portrait of a ruthless SP, who starts off by killing her parents as a young girl. (It's a great read that people here might especially enjoy. The book is infinitely more powerful and more disturbing than the movie.)
Speaking of books, "The Catcher in the Rye" is another good depiction of a typical sociopath nextdoor, the kind we bump into most of the time, the whiney, gotta-have-his-own-way sort. Holden Caulfield. And it's funny.
Isn't it interesting how often SP's are the subject of story & song, especially considering that they make up only a fraction of the population (but the part that does most of the damage).
Gosh, I'd love to find another really good read like these two. Anyone got any suggestions?
Since breaking it off with that 30 year friend/ex lover I feel like she has definitely moved on to someone else. I believe she did so a few weeks before we ended the relationship in an email. Since then I have been arming myself with as much information about sociopaths as I can. The more I read the more I am convinced she was/is a sociopath first class. I have a few questions about some of the traits she fits into. She told me several times that I "smothered her" when I didn't think I did anything. I live over 500 miles away from her and carried on the emotional affair of two months via the telephone and emails. I asked her to email me when we supposedly went back to being"Friends" and ask her to call me as well. She said I was "smothering her" again. She didn't have any problem talking to me for 3-4 hours on end via the telephone when I was alone and she wanted to have an emotional affair. But as the weeks wore on and my fathers estate is still being held up in probate, she couldn't wait any longer. She started getting verbally abusive to me on the phone. She wouldn't answer my emails. Then one evening she told me she thought: "I was going to get screwed in the will and that I would be lucky if I got $2,500."
Ironically $2,500 was the sum that I had already promised to give her. A real Pro-she conned me into committing this to her without even asking me for it. She just "Suggested" that she needed a new computer/mattress/money to bail her out. Like a damned fool I volunteered the money. As the weeks wore on and she got bored..she started being less and less cordial to me. I still would have given her everything I had promised as her friend until that last phone call and she felt put out because she felt pressured to return emails and Phone calls. I was supposed to do all of this and she couldn't even be friend enough to answer emails or call? That's when I sent her the email saying I was through with her and she surprisingly answered in one short sentence:Yes and do NOT contact me again". I did tell her in that last email that I thought she was a sociopath. She apparently shrugged it off. Obviously someone has identified her with that term before. Feeling like a damned fool now but thankful she got bored with me before the money came in.I now know she is nobody's friend.
(for Eric) Thank you for the insight. I'm hoping that my sociopathic ex-husband who is an intelligent, charming, lying, manipulating, deceitful surgeon (trying to ruin our children's lives through his devious manners) will meet someone like you that will finally take him down. We've been in and out of court for 8 years and as much as I try to get away, he will not stop. I keep winning because I have one of the best attorneys in the U.S., but it's costing me a fortune. I keep fighting (on behalf of my children) only because they need an advocate and he doesn't truly care about their well-being - particularly from an emotional standpoint. I'm quite frankly to the point that I don't care what happens to him. I only care about my kids and their future. What is the likelihood that he will stop after the kids are of age? At what age will the kids realize the monstrous actions. -- I think my son already sees it on his own but its confusing to him and affecting him negatively. Any suggestions on how to guide my now teenage children? (He will not agree to any therapy but I did get court ordered therapy for my daughter). Additionally, I fear my teen daughter might have many of the same traits - is there any hope for her? I look forward to the day when they can move beyond and make their own decisions (though I know he will always manipulate them with his money.) Fortunately, my son isn't swayed by this...but my daughter is. I don't care at all -- I'll be a happy person as long as I have my friends and I don't need a lot of "stuff." Incidentally, he tries to interfere with my friendships and relationships still too. My best friend was subpoena'd the day after her surgery (by my ex who is a surgeon no less) and he wouldn't accept the doctor's note requiring bed rest so she had to come in all bruised and bloody to testify or face his contempt charges. They had no reason to bring her in and the judge pretty much dismissed it. If you ever need surgery -- I hope my ex isn't your doctor! At some point, i believe a malpractice case will get the best of him.
I am doing a little research for myself, as my bother is a sociopath and after 35 years of his abuse I have finally had it. About 10 years ago i decided he was one but because he was family and you care it is hard to let go. Now I have reached the breaking point and have finally started therapy for the stuff he has done to me and my family. I remember at 16 years I looked at my mom and broke her heart when I said I have given up on him and there is nothing we can do. Sometimes the young and innocent can see through all, not knowing the conditions of a sociopath I still knew it was no good. Now 19 years later I am learning to let go and move on. Its time to concentrate on myself. I did go through along period of dating guys that need help and I felt I could save them and now I realize this is all do to the abuse I did not know I was getting at home. Thank you for your article and I am going to pick up the books you suggested.
I have been married to my second husband for 24 years and he has a 45 year old son. His son had been married for a very short while when I first met him. He seemed like a very likable kid, but didn't take me long to notice his lying for no reason, just lying. Then he was continuously needing a loan which he never paid back. I cannot tell you how much money we have been out because of him. My husband has another younger son, and I have two children of my own. Since then he has been married 3 more times, will not pay child support, been in jail for non-support, drugs on and off for years. Even though he is a good worker, he doesn't want to work and wont if he can get by with it. His dad bailed him out for years, but now, I'm sick of it and refuse to let him have anymore money, even if means his living on the street. He won't support his own children, but yet expects mommy and daddy to support him, his habits, whatever else he needs. The lying is what gets me, it is sometimes off the wall kind of stuff, and of yes, he is very convincing. You can know it's a lie and still you wonder, could it be the truth. What in this world makes them lie about everything? If the wall is blue, he will tell you it's purple. I am sick of his lying, not working, getting in jail, and oh yes, everytime he gets in jail this is what he says. I've learned my lesson, it won't happen again, I just need a little help. Yeah, right!!!!!!!!!
I think SP's lie about everything in order to feel in control and manipulative. I know a SP that convinced his 12 yr. old that there was something up in the sky. Of course there was not, but he got the 12 yr old to not only say there was, but also tell other people there was something there. I believe the SP was testing the waters to see if he could manipulate his son. Several months later, the 12 yr old is turning out to be as manipulative as his father. It's really sick. This 12 yr old is not a child you would want to be around. He's really turned from a sweet caring kid to a brat. Yeah, it takes a real man to manipulate a 12 yr. old!
My 28 year old daughter (whom I did not raise) fits all the criteria for sociopathy. Unable to hold down a job, maintain relationships, has alienated family and friends to the degree she was recently homeless. I felt sorry for her and took her in 3 wks ago. In that time she has made up 1 story after another to explain why she has not looked for a job including telling me that she is filling out apps on line. Mind you at the moment I am fully supporting her. I am talking with family and friends who have gone into counseling because of her and all say their therapist's claim she is a sociopath. I've done my own research and know I need to get her out of my house before I become her next victim but how? I'm afraid of retaliation and at the heart of that fear is my 3 yr old grandson and my 19 yr old daughter both of which she has made flippant threats about.
I grew up with a sociopath father, and life was miserable. Since we finally gave him the boot (because of GOD and a wonderful mother) our lives have become wonderful!
The problem is my brother is a sociopath. We tried so hard and for so long to help him, but he seems to have to fear of consequences or of hurting those who love him.
I know that I must remove him from my life. I cannot help him, I have tried to no avail. I must take responsibilty for my own life and be happy.
The problem is, he is my baby brother and I LOVE him. My heart is broken because of his behavior and attitude. I can only hope that he is happy and the pain will eventually subside. It's like a death, knowing he has this issue. I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I will always always love him, and hope he is happy, but he cannot be a part of my life.
To those of you who are in a similar situation, please know you are not alone. I wish you the best, little bro, thanks for the wonderful memories, and goodbye.
Thank you all for listening...
In November I ended a relationship with a man who is very mentally unhealthy. I am still reeling from the chaos, but am getting better each day. I have no intention of re-establishing my relationship with him, in any way, but many of you can probably relate with me... "What the hell just happened??!!"
I'm no longer involved with him (he married within weeks of me ending our relationship) but he continues to contact me periodically. I've educated myself enough to know that it's better to avoid confrontation with him, and having seen his 'acting' I've been able to 'act' as though he doesn't bother me when he calls with all his crazy accusations:
Quit calling my wife. TRUTH: she called me at work.
Quit forwarding our email exchanges to her. TRUTH: His new wife admitted that they came from HIS email address, and she can see from the string of emails that HE is the one who emailed me in the first place!
Quit driving by our home. TRUTH: He antagonized me into driving to his home ONE TIME and then called the police and said I was harassing him. I didn't hang around for long, but the police called me and said I'd be arrested if I continued to bother him.
I haven't done any of these things. Good riddance to both of them!)
From early on I had suspicions, but had NO idea people could be so sick. A few examples of many, many things he was capable of:
1. He texted me and told me he slept with someone else and to leave him alone. Four days later he called my house and acted as if nothing had happened.
2. I broke it off with him - one of many times. He told me he was leaving town and I would never see him again. When I didn't respond (I was used to his theatrics) he said he was going to be a dad again. He had had a vascectomy. He said I shouldn't be worried, he had his vascectomy reversed LONG AFTER me. (It had only been a few weeks since we had been intimate.) Three weeks later he texted me and said it was all lies to try to hurt me. He begged for forgiveness, blah, blah, blah.
3. I broke off our relationship with for the past time him in late November. Three days later he asked why we couldn't be friends. I said, we can (not intending to BE his friend, just wanted him to leave me alone. YOU WIN!). The texts and phone calls were constant. He bought me a ring, but I wouldn't put it on, so he showed up a work lunch I was attending with his son (I LOVE his son - a very sweet kid). I still wouldn't put it on. He was married to another woman within two weeks.
CRAZY stuff! Why did I put up with him? Did he care for me in some way? He told me he was sick. He told me a wonderful person I was for standing by his side. Yeah, he made me feel guilty. He was very passive-aggressive, controling, manipulative. And he was generous, loving and kind. Was it an act?
As far fetched as this may sound, could my ex suffer from Dissosiative Personality Disorder (multiple personalities), one of them being a Sociopath?
In your article you referred to the sociopath as "he". My wife shows all of the behaviors of a sociopath. She has alienated me from my friends and family, she has ruined my career, manipulated me for the past three years and has even caused herself bodily harm to fake assault charges against me! I told her I wanted out of the marriage and she told me I would play her game or pay the consequences!! I stood my ground and that afternoon she began to strike herself and cause bruises, she tore up our house and smashed a television and then called the police and reported that I assaulted her and threw her into the television! I can not get the police, marriage counselors or anyone to help me get her out of my life and she has everyone convinced she is the victim and they should pity her. I can not get her out of my life, I have tried restraining orders but she manipulates things so that I get kicked out of my home time and time again! She says this is just a game to her and she likes playing it and I will have to play it until she decides she is done with me. I am afraid she will not be done until she see's how far she can go and how much she can get away with.
Yes, there are definitely women sociopaths, although it seems less common. I don't know if it really IS less common, but by far most of the people who have written to me are women who are the victims of sociopathic men. But not always.
Wouldn't it be wondeful if some of these male sociopaths got hooked up with the female sociopaths and they just cancelled each other out? Wouldn't that be great?
i would so love to post your name up here, chances are you wont be reading this. i am so happy to be free from you. i could weep for your current slave of 10 years but i have better things to do. dont ever come back to this country. the 7 years i had with you were lies and my guts were so sore and tired from trying to unravel the chaos and misery you knotted me up in. from wearing makeup to having drinks with my work mates to even seeing my family, you tortured me with guilt and cruelty. i was 19 and too green to know any better. by 26 i had enough and joining a band saved my mental health. you still stalked and tortured me with suicide threats for 4 years afterward. i left that city to be farther away from you. you dont know the essence of love and empathy, i beg you never have children. i still remember hitting you back everytime you struck me. it made me ashamed and horrified at myself. but my spirit was too strong for you to break. even during the good times i was planning my escape, building myself up. i gave you chances to change but sociopaths cant change. i opened my heart out as much as i could. but you still demanded more. more games, more competition, more smug self adoration. you will always lose because you change the rules. untimately, your vanity will leave empty, alone, and forgotten. there is no light where a sociopath treads, there is no joy and no appreciation. only misery and hopelessness. to all who are being targeted by such an individual, folow your gut and RUN :)
(shish) my boyfriends brother is a simpering whimpering vicious little sociopath. his girlfriend 20 years younger than him is a broken woman pregnant with his 2nd child. they have a 16 month old son. he wants to take the kids away from her. he has been keeping a file on her since her first pregnacy and has a top solicitor. she is danish, has no proper representation and the hearing is tomorrow. she is terrified and confused but totally aware of his utterly see-though behaviour. sociaopaths are very predictable but when pushed, they can be downright dangerous in order to 'win'. he never loved her. she sees that now, and all he has ever wanted was this court case. they both have drug history and havent drank in 2 years but he is still on diazpams, she is drug free and a wonderful mother. he blames her for everything, tells unbelievable lies about her to me and his brother
but the problem is my boyfriend, who is a total angel, full of kindness, empathy and just brilliant with our kid, doesnt want to know! ive told him no-one has ever challenged his sociopathic brother, he knows it, everyone knows it but are too scared to say HEY WE KNOW U ARE A SOCIOPATH LEAVE HER ALONE!! but no-one does. his lies are so extreme his therapist is counselling him for 'grief' at the breakdown of the relationship. his lawyer is even dumber. the judge had a barring order lifted against him cos he charmed him. my friend wasnt to go back home to her country with the kids but i think he might do something like OD for attention and sypathy, she saw him collecting a load of pills into a bottle...tomoro is so scary, what can we do? if the judge gives her the kids, he will OD or take the toddler and drive off somewhere for days with him. if he wins, he will kick her out, a pregnant woman and properly destroy her. in ireland there seems to be a lack of awareness, can anyone advise??????
(JAY) i think its funny when sociopaths say they are superior and more powerful. my ex used to say this and it was so boring, predictable and couldnt be further from the truth. sure he used to impress people, but when he would mock me infront of them, they soon got grossed out and hated him. also he has worn the same style of clothes for 20 years and never changed his hair. he used to say that people who change their style or look were dull and stupid. but surely its dull and stupid not to experience variations in everything, including what you wear?
he also used to make a really odd whinging noise when he was trying to pretend to cry.
and he used to stick spoons to his face in restaurants to display his 'powers' to the present company we would be dining with, along with really nerdy 'memory games' which sadly impressed me the first few times. all these devices were so lame and BORING. hurting people for a lack of loyalty was the worst of it though and he would force me to see that they were laughing at me and project all his cruelty onto them..but the boredom of this drama used to make me knock back vodka like it was going out of fashion. the most boring creatures alive, sociopaths, and it is in the very tone im using there that he would say this about everyone we knew and spoke to. the most twofaced sodding creep...
why are sociopaths so innately dull? ive met 3 now and i could have died yawning?
(JN) i know a girl locally who is a sociopath, she had a kid cos she felt like one at 36, tricking her boyfriend into thinking she was on the pill. once pregnant, she dumped him and she made his life hell and still does 5 years later, but he is a great dad. strangely she has hated me since we first met, y'see i had a brief fling with this same lad but he was damaged goods poor guy so i ran away after a couple of weeks. she immedately got back with him and got pregnant so that she could 'ruin my life' as well as become a mum. but the mad thing is that i was and still am in a relationship and it did not ruin my life at all, so it was very funny that she thought it did!. she actually came over to me and said "im so sorry i hope i didnt ruin your life"
years on with my own little family i moved back to the same town and she is trying to upset me, say bad things about me, ignore me and i let her off cos its highly amusing and dare i say flattering! i want to shake her hand for all these hilarious displays! but..well its so old now, i know menopause is kicking in and she looks very desperate but she wont be happy till she has wrecked someone / me. her ex never leaves the house and is a broken man. its all been slighly fascinating to me and im too happy and loved to be hurt by her but i never entered into a game, so when will she just stop playing it??
Our 22 year old son is once again in jail! I can't believe it has taken us so long to recognize this sad truth; he is a sociopath! A pathological liar, thief, manipulator, endearing himself to others only to steal from them. He no longer has any friends, only a list of arrests and broken promises.
Are there any Christian parents out there that are going through this? We raised all our children in a solid, moral and loving home. How did this happen? Everything I'm reading is void of hope. I cannot accept the fact that they cannot change or be helped. I'd love to hear from other parents that are going this. My name is Kathleen
We hope our story may help others to avoid hurt, harm, devastation.
12-23, 12 AM, the sociopath ( living in our home for the past 8 mo & an unemployed parasite ) had the air condit unit on. The noise prevented us fr sleeping so I asked him to turn it off. He was irate. I was shocked. At 11 AM I stated that my request was not unreasonable & I was rather shocked by his irate reaction. This behavior from him had been occurring often. I also stated that his frequent displays of anger needs to be addressed or he may need to consider moving & getting a job to support himself. I asked him why his behavior & attitude was so nasty. He said, “You don’t know what nasty is. I’ll show you.” Same day, he was deceitful, devious, criminal, ( sociopath's 1996 - 2006 criminal cases, 1993 - 2005 official record ), & malicious as he did not let on that he had intentions of leaving, made plans, took & charged credit cards w/o my permission, packed, took expensive items w/o my permission & quietly, stealthily left. My children say it was the worst Christmas due to him & what he did. Are people who know the sociopath powerless to do anything about this? In March he, whom I had known before but did not know he was a sociopath, stated that while serving time in jail multiple times, he found God, gave his life and heart to Jesus Christ which helped him to overcome his self-centered, deceitful, disrespectful abusive, criminal life style and drug addiction. His sinful, immoral actions on 12-23 do not reflect this. He also stated that he had been a former worship leader in church & was playing music at church services on a regular basis. He stated he had been clean from his drug abuse for years. I was not aware that he had episodes of relapse ( smoking crack cocaine ) several mo prior to March which prevented his playing at church. Also that he has also been lazy & not been motivated to have or hold gainful employment which has resulted in homelessness, no vehicle, obtaining food, etc. fr charitable org, & a history of lying, manipulating, misleading, cheating, stealing fr, deceiving, hurting & taking advantage of relationships with family members and former friends. I thought he was a friend. Instead he is someone who has gone to the dark side who believes that no matter what harm & hurt he does, he is saved & will go to heaven. Also, he asked me what would happen to the children & him if something were to happen to me so he wanted to have the ability to be a trustee, power of attorney, etc. In Sept., my disab income stopped. He stated he would contribute by getting an evening/night job & also mentioned other options for work & posted items that he did not pay for or own, for sale on Craig’s list to help pay bills. He stated that he was not taking advantage & would stop spending since he was unemployed. He did not contribute since he took the cash, jewelry & other items without permission, never got a job, never paid me money. He was never hired or employed by me. He made a false statement by his communication to the police that he was hired & employed by me. I have requested that the items be returned to me. He stated that he needs money for his life and his new business. Sep. - Dec. 23, he had not been well so he was visiting the ER/urgent care & clinic for treatment, receiving IV pain meds, taking prescription pain meds, 8 or more pills at a time due to the lack of what he said was adequate pain relief. He stated he was frustrated as he was not prescribed an adequate amount of pain med and was also being denied pain med. I did not know that his health problems are related to his drug abuse. He falsely stated to the Center & clinic that he does not use illegal drugs or have a history of drug abuse. I was not aware that he had opened a checking account w/check card with money he took from me without my permission & was also stealing a large amount of my money - "putting money away" as he puts it.
I have been reading alot of these comments and it really sounds like my ex!! me and his ex girlfriend had a loooong talk yeaterday about him and we both agree that he is a sociopath!! I am going to describe him, if someone could confirm what we think is true I'd really appreciate it..
Ok first of all getting into this relationship was bad!! I knew he cheated on his exgirlfriend and in fact I was one of the girls he cheated with. I was never a type of person to do something like this but he was so charming and convincing..he always told me theyre relationship was over and they were basically only still together because they had a child together. Well eventually they broke up and me and him jumped right into a relationship and I moved in after 2 months also. He had 3 kids with 2 different women and I never had a problem wit this until I was the one taking care of his kids everytime they came over. It was never anything against the kids, in fact me and all 3 of his kids are very close and i love them dearly but he would basically take advantage of me because he knew i wouldnt leave the kids!! He is very manipulative and he is such a good liar he can make you believe u did somethin you KNOW you actually didn't do. He used to tell me all the time he could pass a lie detector test even if he was lying because i would threaten him with one because of his cheating. I know he has cheated on me several times and I know of a few girls but I never had full proof. He would lie so good and make me believe what the girls were saying or whatever i was hearing was no where near true and that I was crazy for even believeing it! If i didn't catch him redhanded I basically couldn't prove anything but I always knew deep down of his infidelity and knew all of my instincts were true. Everyone told me to leave him, even his own family members but there was just something that always made me stay. I used to always leave him.. move backhome with my parents and then go back to him.. i did it so often it was almost routine! Then he would throw his kids in my face and make me feel bad that I was leaving because I was leaving his kids also! And that would bring me back also.
cont'd from last comment..... Everytime me and him would argue because of somethin he did, he would flip the whole thing around on me and make me believe it was my fault and make me feel sorry for him. He is an emotional person and I seen in some comments that sociopaths have no feeling so I dont know if it is an act or if sociopaths actually can be emotional people. But he will cry his eyes out to me and once again make me feel bad for him. He lies constantly for stupid things and then he would contradict himself later on down the line. I would always think to myself what is he lieing for because there would be no reason to lie he just does it as if its fun to him. And he is so good at lieing it is scary! He is the type of person that makes you feel nervous when your around him, atleast in a relationship thats how i felt towards him. Everyone in his family seems to believe that he is the best person and that he is "special" (thats what his mom says) but they all know he lies about the dumbest things for no reason and that he has the worst attitude EVER! He says he always had such a nasty attitude but i know that if he was like that in the beginning of our relationship, i would have never stayed! I stopped talking to most of my friends and even family being in a relationship wit him.. it wasnt that he forced me to stop talkin to them but he took care of me and made me believe that he was the only on that would and it was basically all about his family. I started coming back around to my friends and family and he actually used to get mad that I would come to my moms one day a week and be there for about 5-6 hrs.. when he got to see his family everyday! I actually just recently had a child with him also and it took that to realize what kind of person he really is! if it wasn't for my daughter I would probably still be stuck with him. After she was born (this past Octobor 09) we both agreed to kind of go our seperate ways but I wouldn't talk to any other guys and he wouldnt talk to any other girls because HE wanted us to be able to get back together in the future. I would still come to his house and spend the nite with him so he could see his daughter because he was "afraid" to stay with her himself. Well like i said in the beginning me and his ex talked yesterday and apparently he's been telling her that he wants them to work things out and he's been telling her this since i've been pregnant!! Can you please tell me what kind of person we are dealing with?? Thanks and u can call me D
I have a mother in law who is a sociopath.She has caused so much hurt in our family.My husband has 2 brothers and she tries to keep us all apart so that she can tell her lies and not get caught.Things have changed a little over the last 12 months because my husbands brother has just been throught the devestation that we suffered from her.We did not speak to my husbands family for 8 years because of her.When she could not get away with lies and munipluative behaviour she went around to every family member and friend and told them lie after lie about us,so then we were cut from all his family.Now his younger brother has been throught this and they can now see through her and realised what shes done.I feel the only way that she cant reek havoc on our family,which has kids involved is for all 3 brothers to band together and not let her split everyone up.She has been confronted over her last escapade and been caught outlies and all ,but as usual she has done nothing wrong its everyone elses fault.
I know she will never change so I think everyone around her has to change to manage her.It is hard because my husband suffered terribly not having his family so we cant completely wipe her,just keep our distance.What else can we do???
To the January 25th Anon Post
Based on the info in your Post YES he sure sounds like a Sociopath. You cannot change him, so don't bother, just move on.
IMO, Sociopathic Disorder is hereditary.
There may also possibly be an environmental component (abusive childhood) so maybe someone who carries the gene but who does not exhibit SP characteristics is only because they had an extremely loving, kind family & felt very connected and loved.
However, I do know of a SP (former neighbor) who did come from a very loving home but was still a SP. I tend to believe Sociopathic Disorder is strictly genetic, and not both genetic & environmental but that's IMO.
IMO, this spectrum disorder may also possibly be caused when a pregnant woman undergoes severe stress or grief during her pregnancy.
SP's are disconnected & lack empathy. They see people, including their own children, as objects to use for whatever they see fit. People are objects to them. They are sweet, polite and charming as this is exactly what enables them to be manipulative.
Since SP's lack empathy, they shed "crocodile" tears. When they show emotion, they're not really feeling whatever they're expressing or showing. Most are great at perfecting their "acting" skills. I was once married to a SP. They are pathological liars, very convincing and extremely manipulative.
Not all Narcissists(NPD's)are also Sociopaths,
but all Sociopaths are also Narcissists.
You have NO future with someone like this other than sheer misery. No matter what he says or does or whispers in your ear in the moment of passion he can't change. It's like expecting a wheelchair bound quadraplegic to magically start walking. You are not endowed with some sort of special gift that will heal or change him.
Do not confront him as once he knows that you know what he's really all about and blow his cover, he will make life hell for you. I'd liken it to a burglar not wanting you to be able to identify him in a line-up. Don't confront him.
SP's are not someone you can maintain a friendly sort of relationship with while each of you is dating or seeing others. I have a good relationship with an ex-boyfriend, but he's not at all a SP or a Narcissist.
We simply do not enjoy the same type of entertainment. He likes horror shows and war movies and I hate them. We do not enjoy the same activities. He hates the beach, I love the beach. He loves skiing, I hate the cold, and so on. So, we maintain a friendship, but we date others.
It works out well because neither of us are SP's and we do not share details of our romantic relationships. We limit our time and conversations and keep a safe distance so it works for us. But if he were a SP, this wouldn't work.
With a SP, he wins, you lose and he wins at your expense. You need to get rid of him but make him think he left you. Cut him off but make him think he won. If he thinks you dumped him or got over on him he will seek revenge. Do not one-up him.
Also, a major SP characteristic is that while they often have children, they show little or no interest, and take very little, if any, responsibility in raising them. As far as they're concerned, kids are for show and to maintain control over the mother. Once you have a child by a SP, it's like having a type of Cancer that temporarily heals and then keeps returning. You never get rid of it for good until one of you dies.
My advice is stay away from him. You have a lot more to lose than gain. Jayna
The only reasons that Sociopaths have children are for show, control, and/or used as pawns.
Male Sociopaths are not the least bit interested in the day-to-day responsibilities of raising children. They only show up once in awhile when it suits them so they can control the mother and find out what is going on in her life by using their innocent children as "informants", which is emotionally damaging, but SP's don't care about that.
A mother who is a Sociopath is more mechanical than maternal, and often uses her children to make her look good. If her pregnancy was planned and not an "accident", she simply had a checklist and one of the line items was, "Have Children", so that's what she did.
SP's should not become parents. They slowly destroy their own children, tear families apart and take no responsibility for the damage.
I also believe a child is much more likely to become Autistic, or suffer a similar disorder, when the mother is either Narcissistic and/or a Sociopath. I am not at all suggesting that all Autistic children have Sociopaths and/or Narcissists for mothers. I am firm in my belief that Sociopaths should not become parents. Jayna
Jana -
This post is for PARENTS. If you have young children, teens, or adult children and believe your children somewhat, but not completely, fit the profile of a Sociopath, read this.
If they have some of the characteristics of a Sociopath BUT not all, and the really confusing part is that they have genuine empathy, they might actually be an Indigo. Only 25% of the population are true Indigo's.
Indigo's tend to have similar characteristics of a Sociopath and can fly into a rage (sometimes uncontrollable) although only when provoked, but the big difference is that ALL Indigo's (unlike all Sociopaths) are extremely empathetic and loving and it's genuine love.
If you are a parent of a child who seems to somewhat fit the profile of a Sociopath, EXCEPT that your child is sincerely and genuinely empathetic, displays genuine affection, AND you are certain that their feelings are real, not fake, they might actually be an Indigo who is suffering from lack of recognition and living in an environment not conducive to their special gifts and therefore acting out ... huge difference.
If you are a parent, you certainly do not want to confuse the two. You also do not want to treat or approach a child who is a Sociopath as if they were an Indigo, as this will allow them to get away with bad behavior and give them the green light to become even more destructive.
On the reverse side, treating and approaching a true Indigo as if they are a Sociopath is also destructive. It's like trying to put a round peg into a square hole.
Hello,
I know you have lots of questions and maybe it is not possible to answer all of them, but please, I need help.
My brother married a sociopath. I'm 100% sure she is a sociopath but my brother doesn't know. I want to tell him. I need to... He's my best friend and he's is in so much pain...so disturbed.
He is trying to save his marriage because of the kid, wich is the love of his life.
Do you have any advice over how to raised a child (divorced) with a sociopath?
Can sociopaths lose rights over their children?
I appreciate you site and this columm and all the info, really really helpful.
I unfortunately have been caught up in the world of a sociopath. He is an attorney who hired me to perform some duties, and although I have pictures and documentation, and anything that would prove fact and law, I still have lost. He's very wealthy because he takes homes from his own clients, and everyone around him and doesn't spend a penny. However, in my case, he spent tons of money to have me and my partner under surveillence for over a year. Can you imagine? On the many strange twists is his maid is a slave, part of the human trafficking trade. Because of this, we may find help for ourselves, because we have altered authorities, and the fbi is involved now as well as the local jurisdiction (i'm not sure how they handle it) but hopefully they will be interested in the complete story and come to our aid as well. It is so deep that there are judges, city officials, and the like involved one way or another, just because he got them involved calling in favors thinking that because we don't have the resources he does, that we didn't stand a chance.
We may not, but this is one that we tried to walk away from, but he came after us, and we have no recourse but to fight.
You have a very interesting website, I wish you well and all others that are unfortunately caught up in the sociopathic malady.
Response to January 26th 10:24 Post
There are more Sociopaths in the law field than any other profession. While every single profession in general has it's share of Sociopaths and incompetent, mismatched employees, none compare to the legal profession.
I've yet to meet an Attorney who is not a Sociopath. They do exist but are few and far between. This includes most Judges and Politicians as well. I think maybe the 80/20 rule, or Pareto Principle, applies to this statement.
The legal profession is the only one where Lawyers, or where the "employee" are not held accountable for their work, the end result or outcome. And they are not usually held accountable for poor work, missed deadlines, tardiness,(legal)extortion, breach of contract, overcharging/fees, accepting payment for servies not rendered, ie., Theft of Service, and so on. They can usually quite easily get away with "Theft of Service" and other infractions if they really want to. They are above the law.
In the US, at least in most States, the Bar Association and/or Arbitration Panels, specifically for Client vs. Attorney disputes, can be likened to "the Fox in charge of the Hen House". That's why this line of work is so attractive to a Sociopath/Psychopath.
Heads they win, Tails you lose ... rahahahaha.
Anyone with a Law degree, especially those in private practice or related filed, ie., certain Government positions, including most Politicians, are almost never held accountable which is why they are attracted to this profession. Conflicts of Interests and Power of Abuse are common. In fact, they are the norm. Consequences to their behavior are rare.
Unlike the majority of US workers, exactly whom do these "Legal Sociopaths" report to? The answer is, they answer to no one. They're self-employed in private practice running their own show however they see fit and at the expense of others.
I believe, so IMO (but am not 100% sure) that it is possible high-ranking officials in the FBI, CIA, FDA, SEC and so on and on are all in kahoots along with the legal system, so anyone filing a lawsuit or seeking justice against the almighty Attorney or Judge, or any of the above mentioned high-ranking government officials are SOL.
They get away with things that the average citizen would never get away with. This is also one of the reason most of them are very wealthy and don't always pay their fair share of taxes.
But then, "It is easier to pass a Camel through the eye of a needle, then for a wealthy man to enter Heaven".
POST ... "my brother is believed to have an IQ of over 150. This is why I think there may be a link between sociopathy and depression with intelligence".
An IQ of 99, give or take a few points either way, is considered average. My ex-husband is a classic Sociopath and his (below average) IQ is 85, at best.
My friend has an IQ of 140 and he's not a Sociopath. He admits to having ODD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder ...
You say it's Black, he says it's White.
You say it's White, he says it's Black.
It drives people crazy and some think he is a Sociopath. But I know he is not. I agree with him that he has serious ODD and is also highly argumentative at times, a big part of having ODD.
He also admits to having ADD. His mind wanders if you elaborate, even a tiny bit. He can only listen to the real short of the long story and the very condensed versions, no elaborations.
My older brother is very intelligent, IQ around 130, and he suffers from extreme depression AND he is Bi-Polar. But he is not a Sociopath.
A former colleague has an IQ of 125 and he is not a Sociopath although many people think he is. He is classic Bi-Polar and also suffers from severe bouts of depression.
I do not believe there's a link between high IQ and Sociopathy. Maybe there's a link with EQ (Emotional Quotient) and these disorders?
My mother is a Narcissistic Sociopath who years ago tried to kill her two of four children. She should have served prison time but never did. She has an IQ of 80. While her Intelligence Quotient is 80, her Emotional Quotient (EQ) after many series of tests was that of a 14 year old. After I turned 18, I always believed she had never matured a day beyond 15 years old, and then the tests determined 14 years old.
My closest friend is a full-time high-school teacher and part-time Junior College Assistant Professor. For the past 25 years, she has spent almost every working day of her life with students, people between the ages of 16 and 25. She said most exhibit a variety of Sociopathic characteristics between the ages of 14 to the early/mid 20's, about a ten year span. If it isn't gone and they do not change for the better by age 25, they will probably never change.
That is one reason why I believe that no one should marry anyone (or have their child) before age 26 so you are sure there is no Sociopathy. Before the age of 25 sometimes it can be very difficult to determine, until it's too late.
In response to the possibility of a link with intelligence/high IQ with Sociopathy and other mind disorders, there's a real fine line between clever and stupid. Jayna
I sure hope you get the right people involved who care about the slavery you mentioned and put an end to it so justice is served.
Sometimes City Officials themselves are Sociopaths and are in on this type of criminal activity, human trafficking, but certainly do not admit it. They may come across as being law abiding, trustworthy and helpful but when there is no investigation AND positive end results, you can bet they might be in on this themselves.
If these Sociopaths do not serve time for their crimes, the system is not on your side, it's on their side and so they are all just as guilty.
How would you feel if your daughter were being used as a sex slave for some rich Sociopathic bastard, while his crazy wife uses your son for household slavery? Get people who really care and have the power to put a stop to this involved.
Power is in numbers, so get as many powerful people involved, people who are really on your side and not just pretending to be helpful and on your side. That's what your intuition is for.
Some Sociopaths are so powerful b/c of their positions and connections that they threaten the lives of Officials who try to make things right and go against them. Additionlly, bringing this crime to the attention of Officials/Authorities (and the like) who may actually be aware and/or be a part of this human trafficking for all you know, is like entrusting a thief with bank funds or putting a pedophile in charge of a day-care center.
Sociopaths often work together, help each other as they well know that power is in numbers ... partners in crime.
So what should one do if they have a child with a SP but does not want any relationship. I don't want to keep his child from him but I really would rather not see or speak to him because of what he's done to me, although he still believes he did nothing wrong like always. And if he's going to try to use my daughter just as an informant I don't want her around him! He is a good father and actually has full custody of his 2 children but he seems to think he can just leave them 2 with his mom and do whatever he wants. And when his 3 yr old comes on Sat (he only stays on Sat nites), he always has his sister watch him so he can go out partyin. I know he'll never change for anyone but do u believe they could change for themselves if they realized what they were? I want to believe that one day he could be the faithful family man maybe not with me but even anyone!! Call me D
I was in a relationship with a sociopath. Of course, in the beginning, I had NO idea that was the case. This man conned me out of over $200,000.00 without blinking an eye. The deep emotional suffering he has caused has nearly killed me. Unfortunately, he also happens to be my neighbor. So, completely getting away from him is nearly impossible. The money he conned me out of is just a small fraction of the emotional pain he has caused. I have often thought that I was the crazy one. He would often exhibit, what would be considered extremely unacceptable behavior to a "normal" person and not seem to "get" the impact of his behavior. Thank you so much for the information. After four years, I now believe I might be able to TRY to get my life on track again.
I know a sociopath and she is married to my ex-husband and is, unfortunately, my children's stepmother. She fits pretty much all the criteria. She has lied about everything from her education (says she graduated from law school but did not) to her health (says she has an auto-immune disorder and was on the transplant list, but was not). My ex seemingly believes her lies. She treats him like a dog. She builds him up when she needs to and slaps him down when she feels like it. Then she riles him up and turns him on me and suddenly I am dealing with a sociopath (her) and a narcissist (him). It's been a crazy 5 years. I ignore her as best as can, ie I don't communicate with her at all, which I learned the hard way. My children have had volatile confrontations with her. She is both verbally and physically abusive to everyone, including her own children. Luckily, my children are not over at that house as often as they used to be and there is some comfort in that. But still she has inflicted amazing damage on everyone, including my (former) mother-in-law and many members of my ex-husband's family. I help my children by letting them see her for exactly who she is and encouraging them to walk away from her when she gets absusive. No matter what she does, my ex defends her or uses her alleged illness as an excuse. It's quite pitiful. He acts like a cult member and she is his Jim Jones, so to speak. I have done everything I can to help him see her for what she really is but he chooses to be blind. Now I just focus on my children and try to mitigate the damage she has done and giving them the confidence to move past her evil.
I went through a similar situation with my ex-husband, and my daughter was also very young. We divorced when she was 2 yrs old.
It sounds like you're on the right track, doing the best you possibly can under such unfortunate circumstances. I hope you can learn from my story. I'll be turning 60 soon so I have a history to draw from and probably have a little more to pull out of the bag than you may have. Here's the background;
My ex is a major SP, although not the physically/sexually abusive type, but he's verbally & emotionally abusive, highly manipulative, and a pathological liar. He has huge control issues.
5 yrs after divorcing when our daughter was 7,
I finally realized the only reason he wanted a child with me was because he needed to keep me under his control, no other reason. SP's have very little genuine interest in children, other than maybe to be a "Sunday father" when the mood strikes and to remain in the picture.
My ex knew that if we should ever get divorced and we didn't have at least 1 child together and maintain a connection, he'd have absolutely no way of knowing where I lived or even what State I lived in, or if I left the country, nothing. He wouldn't even have known if I were rich, poor, dead or alive. He'd have had zero control, as opposed to lots of control if we had a child together.
Being a SP, he couldn't handle not knowing where I was and not having control, so he talked me into having a baby before I completed my BA degree(we married right after I received my AA degree, before starting my BA Degree)and he said he'd encourage/support me 100% so I could complete my last 2 yrs of college and receive my BA when the child was 3 or 4, if we could have a baby right away. He said our child could attend day-care when she turned 3/4 and I could then complete my degree. We were also in a decent(not rich)but good financial situation and we owned a small, but nice home, 2 cars paid off, no debt, so his plan was certainly financially possible so I was ok with this.
But then after our daughter was born, he went back on his promise. Typical SP behavior. He never had any intention whatsoever of putting me through my last 2 yrs of college or even helping to raise his child. Shortly after our daughter was born, he started cheating, lied, stayed out for nights at a time, you name it.
I had an infant to take care of and I could not leave him. I was stuck, scared, upset, exhausted and angry and he loved every minute of it. He's a control freak.
The verbal abusive, outrageous manipulation and extreme controlling escalated until I finally had to leave him 2 yrs later and support my 2 yr-old daughter on my own living in an 1 bdrm off-campus apt while completing my degree. It took me 24 months straight through, no summer breaks, while raising her,
a single mom with no child support, dependent on a monthly State welfare check to pay rent, and food stamps to buy food. I took the (free)student campus bus every week to clean one house per week (paid cash) in a nearby affluent neighborhood just to make monthly ends meet. I also took out both student & university sponsored loans that he never helped me re-pay. I had to re-pay them on my own and survive without any child support. I had so many responsibilities to juggle that between caring for my daughter, studying, attending classes, chores and so on, my week entailed 80-90 hrs, for over 2 yrs. I was exhausted & sleep deprived but I graduated, with honors.
Fast forward to 30 years later...my daughter, now in her early 30's, recently became a mom and I'm a grandmother.
Next ... Cont'd in next Post ... is what I did that I can pass on to you and also what my 30 something yr old daughter now says all of this did to her when she was a little girl, and the outcome.
Cont'd from last Post ... When she was young, her father used her as an "informant" to find out if I was dating and whatever else he wanted to know. He also arrived late for visitation. It was pitiful when she patiently waited for him to arrive, looking out the window while he was (purposely) always over 1 hr late. So, instead of her sadly sitting by the window waiting, we'd play a fun board game & I'd tell her her dad wanted to pick her up but he was not able to give an exact time as he was busy (I used whatever excuse I felt was safe to say) and that he'd be right over as soon as he could. I avoided giving an exact time, as I knew he wouldn't arrive at that time and I didn't want her disappointed. So, we played fun games, when he did (finally) arrive it was exciting to her, "Dad's here!!!". She said when he kept her waiting it made her feel worthless. So, I'm glad I (positive) changed the circumstances instead of trying to change him. I taught her(age 4)how to make requests to her father in a respectful way so he wouldn't ask questions she didn't want to answer - Dad, please ask mom anything you want to know about her, please don't ask me. I suggested she then change the subject to school, friends, whatever she wanted to talk about. Sometimes he picked her up to supposedly spend the day together but then dropped her off at his older sisters home under the pretense she could play with her Cousins. He didn't even know how to spend quality visitation time with his own daughter. When she asked me why her dad dropped her off at her Cousins, I told her that her Aunt & Cousins were bugging her dad to see her so he unselfishly gave up his time with her. I'd put a positive spin on things when & however appropriate. If it wasn't appropriate and could backfire I explained as best as I could; big people also make mistakes or explain what her dad did was not right and say I'll ask your dad not to say or do that again and so on. I was supportive and was always aware.
Anyway, my daughter has her Master's degree.
I paid for almost 90% of her education, her (financially stable) father only 1%, she paid the remainder and also purchased her own car.
Now she's happily married, a great mom to my grandson. She's emotionally stable, has high self-esteem and keenly aware of people who are screwed up. She doesn't question or doubt herself. She surrounds herself with emotionally stable people, like herself, not like her dad. She says at a young age she learned how to get around people who have problems & issues and also how to be understanding. She said she started becoming aware and knew when she was being used by her father for information about me at 4yrs old. But she says now her "BS Radar" is so finely tuned she can easily detect when others might be lying, or manipulate or use her. It's not hard for her to determine when someone is trying to benefit at her expense. She has a 6th sense about people. She also believes this is why she is able to think and act quickly when asked something that she doesn't want to answer. I believe this is also why she married well and doesn't get sucked up into unwanted drama like so many people. She's popular, well respected, polite and kind. If someone does or says something she doesn't like, she's quite skilled at handling the situation and this is very helpful since the career she chose is a male-dominated field.
I still believe though, children + SP's do NOT mix and it's risky - not all always ends well. I had plenty of damage control to deal with. She said her relationship with her dad is like a distant Uncle who pops up every now & then. But he knows he can't say or do anything that will upset/annoy her so when he occasionally visits, she's in control, not him.
She realizes her father actually did love her, he just hated me more than he loved her.
But I've taught her that was never her fault.
I hope this helps.
This article has been very imformative to me. I'm a single dad, widowed in 2006 when I lost my wife of 10 years to Cancer. After waiting over 2.5 years I decided to move back home and start my life over again to include dating once again. After being back for 3-4 months, I met a woman with like interest, we seemed to have lot's of commonalities, while she seemed to be very caring for me and my daughter. It was only after 3 months of dating she insisted on marrying, reluctantly but, anxious to get back on track with life again, I was open to the idea so we set a 6 month timeframe for the date. Our lives were very filled, there was very little free time until the wedding. We wed, honeymooned, and began to settle in as a married couple. I began to immediately notice differences in behavior just weeks into our marriage. She began treating my daughter differently, I best describe it as a display of detachment, she wanted very little to do with her after the wedding. This detachment soon began to include myself. I would encourage discussions that never made her feel comfortable nor generated any results, she even asked me why I couldn't just let things lie, let them be. She seemed very dismissive on issues of any value. I learned she was also addicted to Ambien and was also on a anti-depressant called Amitryptoline. Her behavior continued to change and become almost alien like upto the point we had a couple of intense arguments in which she left and has not returned. All this after just 90 days of marriage. Never attempted to make contact with my daughter to check her emotional status during any of this nor assumed any responsibility for any of the conflicts. I found journals of hers that she had been keeping since age 11 that displayed very bizarre behavior within her writtings. She always labeled people with issues that I feel she has and often referred to herself in third person which was a bit strange. Always seeking a spritual wholeness her entire life, became involved with a mystic group. I'm still going through the process which feels very simular to that grief I felt when my wife died, it's very hard to process for me and my daughter. We just have so many unanswered questions. I filed for divorce and about 3 weeks of no communication or signs of reconciliation, her behavior and journals indicate to me that there is some very abnormal behavior which I cannot fix to include the prescription drug matters. It has turned out to be a very sad situation and very painful, one never expects to go through such an experience with someone like this. I feel she is a sociopath even more so after reading your material.
I recently found out that my husband of 12 years has been having an affair for the last 2 1/2 years with a co-worker. I was in absolute disbelief. I am one of those women who think there is no way that their husband could be a cheater. He appeared to be so trustworthy and every time he was out of the house, he had a very valid reason - working late, at a meeting, etc. He is an attorney and that kind of schedule is very common. So, I never suspected anything. The biggest hurdle I had to overcome is wondering how in the world he could live a double life for so long and have no problem coming home and eating dinner with his family and acting like he was doing nothing wrong. I couldn't wrap my head around it. I wondered if I was imagining things and he of course kept denying the affair. He would tell me I was making up false truths and that the only way I would believe him was if he admitted to something that he didn't do. Whenever we would argue, it always ended with me apologizing even if he was initially at fault. He has had friendships with other women that I thought were inappropriate but was told never crossed the line. He controlled everything I did in the house and nothing was ever good enough. I felt trapped in a no-win situation but still would never contemplate breaking up our family. But, he had other plans. He has been getting things set for months to leave me while insisting that he wanted to try and save the marriage. He is now having problems at work and won't take responsibility for the fact that his "alleged" affair is the cause. He blames me for trying to get him in trouble so he would lose his job. Nothing is ever his fault and he will never accept responsibility for what he has done. He will continue to deny everything because he can't stand the thought of having to admit defeat and getting caught would mean being defeated. He gets caught in so many lies and then just lies again to cover them up. He has lied so much now that he doesn't even remember what is the truth anymore. I feel so lucky that he wants out of our relationship to be with his mistress. I no longer have to live another second as his wife. He is a miserable person that I now know is a sociopath. I will never try to understand his behavior again as there is no rational explanation for it. I am concentrating on moving on with my life and taking care of my four beautiful little boys.
I have a daughter who is serving in the military overseas. I recently went to visit her. She has severe mood swings and intense anger. Her father has anti social behavior as well as mood swings. My daughter literally dropped me at the airport without saying goodbye. I don't think she has any remorse over her behavior. I want to see her get help but I am not willing to be kicked to the curb--again. She was verbally abused by her father. They have a love-hate relationship. He will not talk to me after our divorce. She is afraid if she asks for help, the military will discharge her. Does anyone have military experience? Where can she turn?
This blog could be called "Jus Ask a Sociopath"!
Well, speaking of which, I tend to think I am a sociopath, but not one that is usually depicted in psychotherapy books or the movies.
I don't get my jollies putting down people, but I do enjoy playing with them; like Eric above I do consider myself fairly much hovering above all those who I meet and interact with. But my play doesn't have nefarious goals, rather I get a thrill out of seeing people deal with different stimulus than they are used to, and my goal is actually to teach them to grow and become bigger entities.
Generally, I don't enjoy seeing people suffer, unless they really deserve it, then I guess I get a thrill out of it.
It is a kind of sensitivity to karma.
I too mimic emotion very effectively, can usually cry on command, I have a great sense of humor, and enjoy it in all its forms.
So, being a sociopath doesn't have to be all depression, heartache and horror. Not at all, being a sociopath just means being released from arbitrary, unnecessary emotions. You can still be a good person, it just that goodness becomes a matter of principle, not 'conscience' or benevolence. Look at the Star Trek character Spock, was he a bad person?
How about Dexter, the blood spatter pathologist?
Ok, so he kills people, but only people kill other, innocent, people.
As to Eric, I am a bit older than you, but I would have to ask, why do you need to assert your superiority over others? Its a given that you are superior, so WTF? Who cares?
A pure sociopath is almost zen-like in character, interacting with people as if they were things. But you don't have to be evil to things, just indifferent (inside).
It is only when people are particularly good, or particularly evil, that a correction due, that correction is to grant them the things they put upon other people.
I too have been diagnosed as sociopathic, schizotypal, and a couple of other things, but once again, WTF?
As long as I am true to my own principles, I am satisfied and content. Simple as rain.
Call me GT
Although I'm not a Therapist, I do believe the following;
All Sociopaths are also Narcissists,
but not all Narcissists are also Sociopaths.
I think Sociopathy goes hand in hand with Narcissistic behavior. I know a few Narcissists well enough to know they are not Sociopathic, just Narcissistic/NPD's. It's easy to confuse the two.
Many characteristics of Sociopathic and Narcissistic patterns and behavior, are overlapping and similar and then there are some clear distinctions between the two.
If you Google ... Narcissism Cures ...
and click on some of the different links and review/research some of the info in these links, you'll see that your partner may have both Sociopathic and Narcissistic characteristics. While there are some similarities, as well as differences, it is easy to confuse these two personality disorders.
I have experience with Sociopaths, who, as I said, are also Narcissists ... and I also know people who are Narcissistic/NPD's but they are not Sociopaths.
Sadly, some people are (unknowingly) co-dependents to partners with these disorders. When in a relationship, if you're feeling badly about yourself more often than not, it's a sign to do something about it.
Life is too short to allow someone to make you feel miserable. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness.
Wow! I read many of these posts, and I have to say, that it does help knowing that there are other people out there who have been affected by a sociopath. I'm not alone! I was married to one for 6 years and have been divorced from him for almost 11 years. We have 3 children together. I am now a very happily married woman and my ex tries his hardest to make our life hell. He is not succeeding. He goes in spurts, we don't hear from him for awhile, he gets bored or whatever, finds some lame excuse to call the house, within minutes starts drama. He did this today. I am so tired of dealing with this man, he is absolutely exhausting! Listening to him talk about how great he is makes me physically sick to my stomach. He abused me in every way possible while we were married, yet told my husband today that I was lying. I am in therapy because of my ex, and he has the nerve to tell my husband that I was LYING! Are you kidding me?! My current hubby doesn't believe him for a second obviously, but still frustrating. I could go on and on about this man and the hell he has created for my family, but it would take pages. Just wanted to vent here a little bit. Hoping to work him out of our lives for good, but with the kids, it's kind of hard. Although, they know there is something "wrong" with him and avoid him at all costs. My thoughts are with those who are dealing with their own sociopath; it's a nightmare.
Sociopaths love drama but they love the reaction of others even more. They thrive and feed on the negative energy that they love to create and how they can control the emotions of others ... even their own innocent children.
The more one reacts or is codependent, the more drama they'll create. They'll suck the lives out of you if you let them.
For one example, my ex used to love enjoy telling me we were out of money, when in fact, all the bills were paid and we had adequate savings. He would tell me this every few months out of the blue. I was often caught off-guard as back then I didn't know any better.
I'd barely recover from the last episode and he would do it again. So, right after our divorce
I asked him why he would scare me and have me calling the Bank and so on when nothing was wrong and there was no reason for worry.
He said he was just concerned about money and was trying to bring it to my attention. I didn't push it and let it go at that but I now know he knew this was my trigger. It was really because he was trying to get a rise out of me. If I knew better back then, I would not have reacted so scared and then the first time he did it would have been the last. My immediate reaction was fear because I lived through bad times as a child, and so he enjoyed pulling that trigger, amongst others.
Never let a Sociopath know what your triggers or weaknesses are ... never.
I think all Sociopaths should have to register with the State, just like sex offenders.
Since there is room for error and innocent people could end up on the list, the result of a mistake, revenge or whatever, their disorder should be proven beyond a doubt by family, co-workers and so on. Otherwise, an innocent persons life could be ruined.
Sociopaths cost the State they reside in millions in tax dollars by their dirty deeds. They are often the cause of court appearances and high divorce rates. Sometimes they intentionally cause accidents when there are no witnesses so they can collect the insurance. They victimize people in so many ways.
Sociopaths are NOT cost-effective. I think they need to be required to register with the State they live in and their full description, including current residence should be available for all to see. Think about it ... the Sociopath on the internet social sites, personals dating sites and ... "The Sociopath Next Door".
Would you buy a house if you knew a Sociopath lived across the street or next door? Would you go on a second date with someone who was listed on the registry? Would you buy a used car or anything for that matter from a Sociopath?
This mandatory registry should include both male and female Sociopaths over the age of 21.
Eric, do you feel any care for the people who care for you? Your mother fed you, she may continue to in future. Does that mean anything to you or is she just a tool?
SP's are not interested in children as they see everyone as objects & lack attachment to others so they also ignore/neglect kids. They're great at putting on a good act. Even a baby will sense this and knows they're being ignored so they grow up feeling worthless suffering life-long self-esteem issues & feel unworthy & are mistrustful, amongst other issues.
I believe SP's should NEVER become parents/step-parents but then that's up to the Non-SP to make sure it does NOT happen. If you have a child with a SP, the child will suffer some from an emotional disability or PTSS throughout life. All it takes is for ONE of the parents to be a SP, not both parents.
My cousin, 33, is the nicest guy. His 26 yr old (ex) girlfriend is an SP. He's hardworking, helpful & loving. A few yrs ago he hooked up with her & now they have a 1-yr old son. So much for the birth control she claimed she was on. My cousin sensed something wasn't quite right yet he continued having sex with this SP anyway. They're not married & for good reason.
Here's the story I'd like to share;She recently moved out, abandoning her 1 yr old baby. She said housework, bottles & diapers are not her thing. So, now my Aunt, a widower on a fixed income, mid-60's, & not in the best of health, has taken over trying to help out with her 1st grandchild.
Last week my Aunt collapsed and was taken to the ER. The baby was placed in temp custody of a social worker. Now this family are real good people; educated, own in upscale neighborhoods, loving, and yet this innocent baby is being shuffled around. How confusing it must be to this little guy that his mom is totally gone, he sees a frantic, anxious father, & now his Nana is sick and he probably thinks she too, abandoned him. There's also a lack of stability as he's shuffled from one house to the other. My cousin & Aunt live 1 hour apart so there's no consistency or routine/stability, something every child is entitled to.
My cousin was 800 miles away on a business trip sales call (when his mom was rushed to the ER) so he could bring more $$$ into the household to hire a nanny to stay with his adorable baby and so his mother(my Aunt) would only be watching the baby occasionally, not 20-40 hrs straight as it was way too much for her, given her age/health issues. So, she collapsed & was hospitalized as a result. She can't raise a baby full-time but can help out a day here & there & she's a wonderful grandmother. Helping all day/week long so her son could work & generate an income ended up with her in the hospital. This is just one example of what can happen when a SP becomes a parent or step-parent ... chaos & drama.
If a MAN gets a SP pregnant the child is raised with stress, drama, uncertainty & turmoil, quite the opposite of a peaceful, calm, harmonious, environment, surrounded by loving nurturers. If a WOMAN gets pregnant by a SP, he'll later do whatever it takes to prevent her from being a good parent & good mom, by tearing her apart. A distraught mother is not emotionally available to her child. And a distraught father can't properly support the family.
Having a child, biological or adopted, with an SP is a very dangerous life-long hassle & commitment.
To the MEN; Don't have sex with a SP, even if she says she's on birth control. Sex with a SP is Russian Roulette. She can take your child away; the precious grandchild of your mom & dad, the adorable niece/nephew of your siblings, mess you up big time while destroying your child & tearing your family apart. It'll change your relationship with your parents & siblings forever.
To the women; DON'T ever have sex with a SP.
If you do, make sure you're protected so you don't get pregnant AND also you'll can help avoid STD's/HIV he may knowingly pass on to you.
Would a man who faked having cancer to everyone but his immediate family, who later has a brother who actually got the disease qualify as sociopathic behavior?
http://mjhamiltonsr.blogspot.com
-- Christina
Wow, this article has almost a thousand comments already!
Christina, in answer to your question, I wouldn't rule out the possibility of the man being a sociopath, but such odd behavior could be done by someone who isn't a sociopath.
I was married to a sociopath for a very long time. I knew something was wrong with this person but the internet was not yet available. A doctor recommended a book called "When Your Love Is A Liar". Chapter 12 was titled: Sociopaths and when I read the first page, I knew what the problem was with my husband. Thank you for your article because I did tell people what I KNEW he was and I was not believed. "He's so nice., etc., etc." We divorced and I was told by another doctor that I was lucky to have gotten out of that marriage alive. So for you ladies, especially you ladies, get away as fast as you can. They will drive you crazy and not feel anything for what they have done. I consider them freaks of nature. My question: Are most sociopaths men?
Ed Waldrop - Sociopath. Thank you so much for your article on sociopaths. I was unknowingly engaged to a man, Ed Waldrop, (Luther Edwin Waldrop, a pilot for Frontier/Republic Airlines) and I didn't find out until later that he was a sociopath. He was engaged to me and another woman at the same time in Jan. 2010. I had dated him a year, and the other woman knew him only one month and then she married him. He continually lied to both of us, denying that he was seeing anyone else, and telling us both he loved us. He showed no remorse whatsoever, and actually tried to get me to feel sorry for him.
Are most sociopaths men? I think so, although I don't know if there is any research to support my suspicion.
My theory on sociopathy is that in sociopaths the oxytocin receptors don't work, or their body doesn't produce oxytocin, the "bonding hormone." This occurs in about two percent of the population, and I would guess it happens more often to men than women because most things that go wrong happen more often to men that to women because the original form is female. The fetus is transformed into a man by testosterone, and during the process of change, more things can go wrong.
On top of that, estrogen boosts the effect of oxytocin and testosterone inhibits it.
These are facts, but my theory is just speculation.
I believe my ex is a sociopath and his father appears to have exhibited the same signs when he was alive...he fits almost all if not all of the signs in the checklist. We have a 2 year old daughter and i'm curious to hear from Eric or another sociopath how they feel towards children?
I'd also like to hear from Adam on the topic of having children with a sociopath. Any suggestions? He currently has visitation 2 times per week and seems very loving towards his daughter, neice and nephew which is the only way in which he doesnt appear to fit the sociopath profile. E
I don't know what to tell you about having children with a sociopath. I've never had any experience with that, and the information on sociopaths seems oddly silent on the subject.
I wonder if any of the subscribers to these comments have had some experience they can share?
On February 6th 2010, I took the time to leave a very detailed Post on why you would NEVER want to have a child with a Sociopath. I also posted comments the week before. Where are those Posts?
Anyway, this is for BOTH men and women.
SP's are not really interested in children.
A SP's main reason for having children is so that they can maintain some sort of connection to their partner/spouse, exercise control, and/or use the child as a pawn, or for other self-serving drama-intense gain/benefit.
In some cases, SP's abandon their children while many don't live up to their responsibilities in the caring/raising the child(ren).
Having a child is a wonderful experience ... having a child with (either a male or female) Sociopath, is a nightmare. The children suffer enormously, beyond anything I can go into here. Ask any mature, honest adult who has a SP for a parent.
Whether you're a man and have a child with a female SP ... OR you're a woman and have a child with a male SP, you'll regret it. You won't regret the child or the parenting experience but you will regret the attachment/connection to the SP and the psychological damage they WILL cause your child. Later on, when the child is grown, SP's put a wedge between the (adult) child and the other parent. SP's tear families apart, both immediate family and extended family as well. SP's love drama so there is little peace with a SP. This is not conducive to healthy parenting.
The children suffer in so many ways, and by the way, so do the Grandparents as they sit by helplessly and watch their precious little grandchildren slowly being destroyed. They see how damaging the fighting and the unnecessary drama is. And then you have to live with ALL of this for the rest of your life. The damage control is unbelievable.
SP's eventually use the child against you or leave you with most, or sometimes all, of the day to day responsibilities, including financial. I've never seen a situation where having a child with a SP turned out well ... never.
SP's love to shoot a hole in your soul, including their own innocent children.
I hope this helps.
(Eric) Hey, I haven't commented in a long time because I've been busy, if anyone remembers I enlisted in the army and recently completed my infantry training course and am awaiting pre-deployment training for Afghanistan. First off it is a horrible idea to have kids with anyone you believe is abusive regardless of whether or not they are a sociopath. I find that many of the people posting messages are using this site as a way to reach out and have a complete stranger tell them their sociopath in question is an actual sociopath as a way to give them some sort of confidence boost or "the final straw" if you will to end the relationship with this person. I believe the people here are focusing too much on whether or not the person is a sociopath or not, fuck it, you people are old enough to make an educated decision that benefits you, to put it bluntly you need to have more spine because the lack of it is what is drawing these people towards you. I know this because this characteristic is evident to me and this makes it easy to twist your views, beliefs and ultimately your actions. I am aware that some of you have more serious issues because you now have kids, families, mortgages etc, and to these people I ask, why not join a support group or open up to close friends, you have shown the desire for change so take a step towards it. Personally I have learned a lifetime of knowledge over the past year through experience and I'm sure support groups will have plenty of it. To those of you wondering about my change in behaviour, I tell you this, my thoughts and desires have not changed, I still have a very strong urge to inflict harm, even torture and kill, thats why I joined the infantry and want to go to war. However, because I am so physically and mentally exhausted and pushed to the limit everyday I have lost interest and time in creating havoc and damaging others the way I used to in social environments such as university. So, whether or not you are a sociopath or "normal" get your ass outside and exercise, mingle and try not to dwell so much on your situation because your situation will change and if your mind is clear and you have good intentions and a strong core I don't see why your situation cannot improve.
sadly i have identified my brother, (21 yrs my junior.) as a sociopath..having not been in contact w/ my father for many years..until recently.. thus just getting to know my brother.. just turned 25.. i agree its best to cut off all ties w this personality type.. believe it or not i lived w a sociopath for a year... thats why i recognized the signs.. but what advice do i give my father? cutting off all contact not a realistic
option for him ..
Tanya, why do you say cutting off all contact is not realistic?
I have been married to a socio-path for almost 19 years now. I have an undergraduate degree in psychology and a master's in theology, yet I didn't see him coming. I believe that this condition comes in degrees. My husband is a master at charming people. Most women think I'm married to "prince charming". But his behavior in public and his behavior at home are two totally different personalities. He is cold, calculating and controlling and I must admit that I believe he is capable of anything. I have finally convinced myself that it would be good for my health if I realized that I should be afraid of him. During the last five years of our marraige his behavior (at home) has escalated. He took a two weeks vacation last year, without notice. He simply left the home without notice and returned. I was completely aware that his objective was to meant to cause anxiety. He now rarely speaks unless spoken to. And when I received news of my baby brother's terminal illness via the telephone last year, I was beside myself with grief and tears, my husband sat in the next room, never approached me or asked what was wrong. I say this condition comes in degrees because my husband knows how to climb to the top in business. He likes to win. His employers and employess love him. He knows how to charm people. He is successful but has no friends, lies constantly and I have noticed on frequent occasions that his "affect" was wrong. This was probably due to the fact that he had not yet mastered certain emotions. He has held onto me with manipulation, control and the fact that I once had pity for him. But now that I am more convinced than ever of his psychopathic tendencies, I am running for the hills as soon as I can.
I'm at a loss as to what to do. I married a man with a sociopathic daughter who is and has been exhibiting signs of sociopathic behavior for as long as I've been in his life. He and I had a little boy together who will be 3 in a few weeks. His daughter was "outed" today by our therapist who we turned to over a year ago to help us try and regain control of our home back from her. She is so powerful and so capable of wreaking havoc in our lives here in our home and has managed to ruin several of her mother's relationships over the course of the last 5 years. I have FREQUENTLY run the emotional gamut of feeling used by her then turned around and felt sorry for her soon thereafter. She is exhibiting classic signs of sociopathy; she lies incessantly, never takes responsibility for anything, uses people, is constantly bored and requires being entertained, leads people to do things they probably never would have done without her intervention, shape shifts and morphs into different people depending on her situation and turns on the charm when it suits her. She is only 14! I'm almost afraid to read more as I am certain (as confirmed by our therapist today) this is who/what we're dealing with. I fear for the safety of my son as I just took a job that may require some overnight travel. She is with us 4 nights a week and with her mom the other 3. I don't know how I can eliminate her from my life and my son's life. I feel so horrible for my husband who is left with a path of emotional destruction she has caused, not to mention the struggle internally he must be having with knowing this is a child he has raised. He feels a tremendous amount of guilt and responsibility for the way things have turned out and desperately hopes she can be "fixed." I'm at a loss.
(Bell)
Eric: Welcome back.
Adam: There have been studies where oxytocin was administered to SP's & controls. It had no effect on the SP's, leading one to believe it is the receptor that they lack. In which case, real/solid sociopathy would seem to be congenital(nature rather than nurture), wouldn't you agree? It does not appear to be riding on the Y chromosome by any means. There have been no studies of that, to my knowledge, and I'm pretty diligent about keeping abreast, so I doubt that there have been. Sociopathy does not seem to be a high priority on anybody's list for research. The general public seems blissfully unaware of the evil among us. Even if you explain it to people, they don't grasp the significance.
Yes, Bell, I agree. There have been some studies trying to determine the impact of upbringing on sociopathy, comparing twins raised in different families, etc. "Nurture" doesn't apparently have any influence on whether or not someone is a sociopath.
And I also agree about the difficulty of making people understand. It is hard for normal people to even imagine what it would be like to have no empathy.
Statistics show that 1 in every 25 people are Sociopaths. I do not believe that statistic.
I think, 1 in every 20, (at least) is more accurate.
I've lived on the same street for almost 50 years and watched neighbors, and their adult children, come and go, and yes, even the Sociopath next door.
I've worked for a variety of companies, with a wide variety of people, as a Consultant for 35 years. I wasn't stuck in any one company for long so I have a good exposure and a real good frame of reference.
I believe 1 in every 20 minimum is more likely, not 1 in every 25 ... not possible.
I've been close to generations of people at both work and at home and sometimes, employees retiring and being replaced by their sons or daughters in the family run businesses I've worked for. I've also seen homes passed down to the next of kin or next generation of family.
I also believe Sociopathy is genetic or quite possibly occurs when something goes very wrong in the womb. I do not think it stems from childhood abuse, although that could be a trigger.
From what I've seen over the years, I think it is genetic and/or when a pregnant mother undergoes very stressful, traumatic events during her pregnancy, perhaps the child is born a Sociopath.
(Eric) Regarding the oxytocin debate, from personal experience I have noticed on more than one occassion that taking oxycontin has no effect on me whatsoever. I was prescribed this by my doctor and when he learned that there truly was no effect from this drug, he began asking me questions that were aimed to define my personality and character, however because he is my family doctor and has seen my mother and I since we were kids he never did jump to the conclusion of a possible anti-social personality disorder. Now although this may lead one to believe that this is a nurture point, I do not entirely believe that it is. You see, everyone knows that the mind of a child is rapidly evolving and that is why this is the best time for learning (especially languages) however, if a child in it's early stages of understanding emotions and empathy experiencs traumatic abuse on a frequent basis it will damage the child's oxytocin development and if this occurs so heavily it is possible that this part of the brain will never evolve because these normal functions can only be developed in the early stages of life, that is why sociopathy cannot be reversed, it is simply impossible to force someone to feel empathy and regret when this part of their brain did not have the chance to develop. In my opinion this is why there are such varying degrees of sociopaths, I believe that there are sociopaths out there that were genetically born with this disorder while I believe others had this development halted and damaged for life. I also believe that this distinguishes the sociopaths that become serial killers and those that choose work over family and become CEO's of companies. The sheer nature of lacking regret and empathy does not create a desire to ruin lives, it creates the opportunity to be completely motivated independently, the desire to hurt others must be aroused by something else, possibly the nurture aspect of being desensitized to violence or possibly the nature side of being a "natural born killer", there is evidence of past serial killers who experienced both aspects of this disorder.
I think my daughter's 17-year old ex-boyfriend is a sociopath. She began dating him a year and a half ago, they broke up a year ago, and he is still in her (our) life even though he is now dating someone else.
During his relationship with my daughter, he moved in with us for about 4 months, because his father occasionally physically abuses him when he has been drinking. During this time, he was the "perfect" boyfriend. Then, all of a sudden and with absolutely no warning, he called his dad, moved back in with him, broke up with my daughter via text message and began dating another girl (all within 24 hours). We were all blindsided, because up until the very moment he left, he sang my daughter's praises and told her he loved her more than he had ever loved any other girl and that they would be together forever.
This young man is extremely charismatic and almost every teenage girl at school has a crush on him. I have to admit that even I was taken in by him, however, I have begun to see through him.
About every 6 weeks since breaking up with my daughter (even though for most of that time he has been dating the same girl he left my daughter for), he comes back to my daughter, convinces her they will get back together (which she believes because she was totally crushed by the break-up and still loves him), and then he dashes her hopes and she is devastated again. This has happened as recent as last week. Prior to Christmas, 2009, he broke up with the other girl. He came back to my daughter and convinced her that he still loved her and wanted to get back together in "a couple of months". Then, last week, he got back together with the other girl.
About 4 months ago, I contacted him and asked him to leave my daughter alone so she could get over him and get on with her life. He repaid me by taking my daughter out and convincing her that he still loved her and telling her that they would be together again and that she was "the one" and that he just couldn't go out with her right now because his father didn't like the fact that we offered him a place to stay when they were having problems so his dad has forbidden him from seeing my daughter. All of which my daughter believes. Meanwhile, he maintains another relationship and has sex with multiple partners unbeknownst to the girl he is currently dating.
I want him to go away, but unfortunately he and my daughter attend the same school.
I am confused as to whether or not he is a sociopath though, because I have seen emotion in him and I am an empath. My daughter says he often cries when he tells her that he still loves her (I believe this is an act). However, I have experienced situations with him where he will stare off into the distance with a very sad look on his face and it is totally unrelated to what is going on in the room (on many occasions). I also had a very long text thread with him right after he broke up with my daughter where I kept pushing his buttons. I was angry because he had deceived our whole family as well as my daughter. I told him I was going to forbid him from seeing her, get a restraining order. He became enraged and called me a lot of dirty names, he even said he would beat up my son and that he hoped I would get raped, if I didn't stop. I asked him why he was so concerned because after all he now had another girl and tons of friends, etc. However, at the end of the text thread, he begged me to stop pushing his buttons because he said he loved my daughter so much he "couldn't go out with her". Unfortunately, this lead me to believe for most of last year, that he would return to my daughter and that he thought she was something special.
Recently however, I have come to believe that he has the exact same relationship with every girl he is with and that none of them is any more special than the other.
What do you think? Sociopath?
For what it's worth: I think he is a 17 yr. old boy and YOU and your daughter need to leave him alone. Good Grief! Don't you have higher expectations for your young daughter than getting so serious with a 17 yr. old boy? I honestly don't mean all this in a callous way, I'm just shocked a mom would get so involved with their daughter's boyfriend. Please, keep your daughter focused on moving on with her life and going to college. Your daughter will not be the same person at 21 that she was at 17. They constantly grow and mature. She deserves better and needs you there to guide her. But if she remains in abusive relationships (and she needs to learn the red flags) she will never mature and become her "true" self. It doesn't matter if he is a SP. What matters is your daughter learning to value herself enough to walk away from any guy who manipulates her. And please, be there as a support for your daughter and not matchmaker. Why would you ever want him to "return to your daughter?"
(Him)
Eric I am glad that you have chosen a direction in your life that doesn't leave you idle time to pursue hurting others as a source of entertainment.
Your intelligence and your clarity (of what you profess to be and what you do) have always struck a cord with me.
Your willingness to be honest with me back when I used to ask you so many questions in my quest to figure out my own son....Well I have thought about that many times.
Things have progressed in my situation. I no longer have the "hope" that my son can be helped by any outside resources. Counselong has proved to be just another way for him to manipulate.(the counselor) And other programs we have gone through as well. He has never been able to conform to school and so the school he goes to has actually conformed to him and given him a special program, taking him out of conventional classes. He percieves this as a win, and it enables him to continue his belief that he is special and the rules don't apply to him.
No matter what happens he always percieves that he has "one upped" the system, the school, myself.
I have come to believe that he has a very distorted sense of his own perception of reality. And he lives in that perception.
His lies are his truth. And he is not only unable to give love he is unable to recieve it as well. It appears that he just does not have the capacity to feel any emotion such as love. Or that anyone HAS love or concern for his best interest. He perceives himself as smarter than anyone else.
For any parents out there....This is a tough one to accept. But there does come a time when you have to do just that.
I was married to a sociopath for 18 years and was with him for a total of 22 years...half of my life; I am now 44. Together we had 3 children. During my entire courtship and marriage, my ex-husband exhibited all of the characteristics associated with being a sociopath. Six years ago, I left him because of the abuse he began to impose on our 3 children and myself. He abandoned all communication, time, and relationship with us and moved 5 hours away....He has most recently been diagnosed as terminally ill and has but 2 months to live. Still, he continues to live on the edge even in the poor condition he is in...barely able to walk or talk. There has been absolutely no change in his demenaor, focus, or level of compassion. Now he attempts to communicate with us more, but only to impart guilt, anger, and hurtful words...even when filled with cancer and morphene. I desperately await to hear the word "sorry" to either me or the childen, but I've come to accept it will probably never happen. I truly believe that sociopaths develop their anti-social behaivors during their early infant/childhood stage where they do not feel loved or attached to another human being. Subsequently, they remain detached their entire life, not really knowing how to communicate or share sincere feelings of love, compassion, and belonging. I also predict that when one comes to this earth without a conscience, they will leave in the same manner....and with 2 months remaining, I'm confident in my prediction.
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