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Featured Comment
"I have been married for twenty years to a man who lies, shows no emotion, had no interest in his children etc. I knew something was very wrong with him but could not put my finger on it, or knew there was a name for it. I found out he has been having sex with prostitutes and a lot of them for most if not all of our marriage. He is a Sociopath. He feels nothing for no one, is selfish, and could care less who he hurts.
"If you meet a man and he gives you clues that he might be a sociopath, run. Run like you have never run before; run like the wind and don't look back."
- April 9, 2011 2:52 AM
"If you meet a man and he gives you clues that he might be a sociopath, run. Run like you have never run before; run like the wind and don't look back."
- April 9, 2011 2:52 AM
Recommended Books:
Help For People Who Have Survived a Sociopath:
A psychotherapist who works with people surviving sociopaths has groups and individual sessions available most of the time. If her schedule is full, she will put you on a waiting list.
She was once married to a sociopath and, like so many others, had no idea until the bottom fell out of her life! She is now dedicated to supporting others who are going through this horrific experience. Email me if you have any questions for her. She would be happy to discuss anything regarding her practice or her experience.
She charges a fee, of course, but your insurance may cover it.
She was once married to a sociopath and, like so many others, had no idea until the bottom fell out of her life! She is now dedicated to supporting others who are going through this horrific experience. Email me if you have any questions for her. She would be happy to discuss anything regarding her practice or her experience.
She charges a fee, of course, but your insurance may cover it.
Support Groups:
Order of Protection Survivor:
A woman shares her story of living through the nightmare of having to file an Order of Protection against her husband while providing helpful resources for other women going through a similar scary situation: Order of Protection Survivor
Domestic Abuse Help:
If you are a victim of domestic abuse, find out what your options are.
Use this to find a local shelter in your area: United States DV Resources
Also, here's the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Use this to find a local shelter in your area: United States DV Resources
Also, here's the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Interview with Martha Stout
" . . . understanding this problem [sociopathy] creates an entire paradigm shift in the way we view human nature." - Dr. Martha Stout
Dr. Martha Stout
82 Marlborough Street
Boston, MA 02116 USA
On LivingHero.com is an interview with Dr. Martha Stout, clinical psychologist and bestselling, award-winning author on the subject of sociopathy.
For twenty-six years, she served as a Psychology Instructor in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and also taught at the Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology, Wellesley College, The New School for Social Research, and the National Institute of Mental Health. Dr. Stout has worked at Massachusetts General Hospital and McLean Psychiatric Hospital.
She is author of The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us, a National Bestseller and winner of a Books for a Better Life Award.
You may download the mp3 file for free, which will play in iTunes, RealPlayer, Windows Media Player and other media players or you may listen to it right here by clicking on the purple media player below. (The interview is about 30 minutes long.)
You can contact Martha Stout here:Dr. Martha Stout
82 Marlborough Street
Boston, MA 02116 USA
Psychopathy Awareness
An informative blog: Psychopathy Awareness.
Post Comments
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And make sure you subscribe to the comments so you know when someone answers you (you'll see a little box to click when you leave your comment).
And make sure you subscribe to the comments so you know when someone answers you (you'll see a little box to click when you leave your comment).
| + | What is a Psychopath? | |
| | This link goes to an answer from a psychopath research organization. And the link below goes to a discussion forum by the same organization. | |
| + | Topics include: Psychopath in your life | |
| | Parents - Children | |
| + | Psychopath in the Family | |
| | Parents - Siblings |
Save the World
Martha Stout said if more people knew about sociopaths there would be less war in the world. I think she's right. Consider these facts:
1. According to the famous Milgram experiments, 65 percent of people will follow the orders of an authority.
2. Sociopaths want to win. They seek control. They are excellent manipulators. They don't care who gets hurt. They don't care who lives or dies.
3. They sometimes make it to positions of power. And they cause wars.
If more people knew the characteristics of a sociopath, more people would identify them for what they are before they gain too much authority and power. A sociopath would then be less likely to ever gain significantly powerful positions.
Result: Fewer wars.
There would be less horror in the world.
The truth is, even though it is a common belief that "man is a violent species," we are not. But when a sociopath gains a position of supreme authority and they start wars, 65 percent will obey authority, and most of the rest will be fooled and manipulated into believing in supporting the cause. The result is war. And many of those who fight in them feel terrible about the whole thing. They don't want to kill. They feel they have to.
The reason sociopaths are able to get away with as much as they do is because most people are so ignorant about the topic.
Now listen: You are in a unique position to save the world. Not very many people know about such a thing as "common, everyday sociopaths." They don't know their characteristics. They don't know how to spot them.
But you do.
Share your knowledge. Share it far and wide and in every way you can. And urge everyone you know to help you spread the knowledge. This could change the course of history. It could go a long way toward real peace on earth.
1. According to the famous Milgram experiments, 65 percent of people will follow the orders of an authority.
2. Sociopaths want to win. They seek control. They are excellent manipulators. They don't care who gets hurt. They don't care who lives or dies.
3. They sometimes make it to positions of power. And they cause wars.
If more people knew the characteristics of a sociopath, more people would identify them for what they are before they gain too much authority and power. A sociopath would then be less likely to ever gain significantly powerful positions.
Result: Fewer wars.
There would be less horror in the world.
The truth is, even though it is a common belief that "man is a violent species," we are not. But when a sociopath gains a position of supreme authority and they start wars, 65 percent will obey authority, and most of the rest will be fooled and manipulated into believing in supporting the cause. The result is war. And many of those who fight in them feel terrible about the whole thing. They don't want to kill. They feel they have to.
The reason sociopaths are able to get away with as much as they do is because most people are so ignorant about the topic.
Now listen: You are in a unique position to save the world. Not very many people know about such a thing as "common, everyday sociopaths." They don't know their characteristics. They don't know how to spot them.
But you do.
Share your knowledge. Share it far and wide and in every way you can. And urge everyone you know to help you spread the knowledge. This could change the course of history. It could go a long way toward real peace on earth.
WikiHow on Sociopathy
WikiHow has several articles on sociopaths:
How to Deal With a Sociopath
How to Detect a Sociopath
How to Understand Sociopaths
How to Deal With a Sociopath
How to Detect a Sociopath
How to Understand Sociopaths
Scientific American Mind
In the September/October 2010 issue of Scientific American Mind is an article entitled, Inside the Mind of a Psychopath. Among other things, the reseachers wrote, "Aided by EEGs and brain scans, scientists have discovered that psychopaths possess significant impairments that affect their ability to feel emotions, read other people's cues and learn from their mistakes.
These deficiencies my be apparent in children who are as young as five years old.
When you tally trials, prison stays and inflicted damage, psychopaths cost us $250 billion to $400 billion a year.
The reseachers wrote:
Charming as they may seem, psychopaths can also be tone-deaf because they lack access to their own feelings and those of others. Imagine what it would be like never to be depressed or anxious, never to have regrets or low self-esteem but also never to care deeply for anyone or anything. Psychopaths' emotions are shallow: they feel irritated when they don't get their way and turn to risky behaviors for the flimsiest of reasons. Bereft of loyalties and passions, they wander through life, often straying into criminality on a whim — forgeries, thefts, assaults, even murders may be committed out of some trivial impulse. As for complex emotions such as devotion, guilt, or joy, theirs remains a textbook understanding — it has been said that they "know the words but not the music."
Dozens of studies reveal that psychopaths experience the world differently from other people. They have trouble making appropriate moral value judgments and putting the brakes on their impulses. They are also hampered in how they respond to emotions, language and distractions — a disconnect that is sometimes seen as early as age five.
Psychopaths are notable for their fearlessness: when confronted with images such as a looming attacker or a weapon aimed their way, they literally don't blink.
Chances are, you have met a psychopath. People with the disorder make up 0.5 to 1 percent of the general population. When you discount children, women (for reasons that remain a puzzle, few women are afflicted), and those who are already locked up, that translates to approximately 250,000 psychopaths living freely in the U.S.
Some researchers have estimated that as many as 500,000 psychopaths inhabit the U.S. prison system, and there may be another 250,000 more living freely — perhaps not committing serious crimes but still taking advantage of those around them.
Whatever the reasons, many psychiatrists are left with the false impression that psychopathy and antisocial personality disorder are the same. They are not. Antisocial personality disorder is a helpful diagnosis when the question is whether a person is likely to behave badly, but it does nothing to discriminate among criminals. Only one in five people with antisocial personality disorder is a psychopath.
The above was written by Kent A. Kiehl, a neuroscientist at the University of New Mexico, and Joshua W. Buckholtz, a PhD candidate in neuroscience at Vanderbilt University.
Contact them here:
Kent A. Kiehl
kkiehl@unm.edu
Joshua W. Buckholtz
joshua.buckholtz@vanderbilt.edu
These deficiencies my be apparent in children who are as young as five years old.
When you tally trials, prison stays and inflicted damage, psychopaths cost us $250 billion to $400 billion a year.
The reseachers wrote:
Charming as they may seem, psychopaths can also be tone-deaf because they lack access to their own feelings and those of others. Imagine what it would be like never to be depressed or anxious, never to have regrets or low self-esteem but also never to care deeply for anyone or anything. Psychopaths' emotions are shallow: they feel irritated when they don't get their way and turn to risky behaviors for the flimsiest of reasons. Bereft of loyalties and passions, they wander through life, often straying into criminality on a whim — forgeries, thefts, assaults, even murders may be committed out of some trivial impulse. As for complex emotions such as devotion, guilt, or joy, theirs remains a textbook understanding — it has been said that they "know the words but not the music."
Dozens of studies reveal that psychopaths experience the world differently from other people. They have trouble making appropriate moral value judgments and putting the brakes on their impulses. They are also hampered in how they respond to emotions, language and distractions — a disconnect that is sometimes seen as early as age five.
Psychopaths are notable for their fearlessness: when confronted with images such as a looming attacker or a weapon aimed their way, they literally don't blink.
Chances are, you have met a psychopath. People with the disorder make up 0.5 to 1 percent of the general population. When you discount children, women (for reasons that remain a puzzle, few women are afflicted), and those who are already locked up, that translates to approximately 250,000 psychopaths living freely in the U.S.
Some researchers have estimated that as many as 500,000 psychopaths inhabit the U.S. prison system, and there may be another 250,000 more living freely — perhaps not committing serious crimes but still taking advantage of those around them.
Whatever the reasons, many psychiatrists are left with the false impression that psychopathy and antisocial personality disorder are the same. They are not. Antisocial personality disorder is a helpful diagnosis when the question is whether a person is likely to behave badly, but it does nothing to discriminate among criminals. Only one in five people with antisocial personality disorder is a psychopath.
The above was written by Kent A. Kiehl, a neuroscientist at the University of New Mexico, and Joshua W. Buckholtz, a PhD candidate in neuroscience at Vanderbilt University.
Contact them here:
Kent A. Kiehl
kkiehl@unm.edu
Joshua W. Buckholtz
joshua.buckholtz@vanderbilt.edu
A Clarification on a Common Belief
"Man's inhumanity to man" should be changed to, "Sociopath's inhumanity to normal humans." It doesn't have the same poetic feeling, but it is more accurate.
Contact Me
Email me here: rising.up@gmail.com
2,336 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 601 – 800 of 2336 Newer› Newest»I have a couple of questions hopefully you can answer them. I have been living with this kid for almost 7 months now. He fits the description of a Sociopath and even admits to having sociopathic behavior recently. He has dont nothing but lie, steal, decieve, and sit in his room for 8 straight months now. Everyword that comes out of his mouth is a lie or every promise is never carried throught. He has even broken into my room while I was out of town and used my credit cards and acts like its ok to do so because he was going to "Pay Me Back". Ya right. He has been caught breaking into his sisters house and using her credit cards. His sister has a restraining order on him. He droped out of school and got fired from his job. He is a very sneaky person. For instance waiting for me to go to bed and sneaking around trying to steal stuff from me. His parents got to the point where they are going to cut him out of their life. His dad says he has two choices "The Military" or he can live out of his Car. My main concern is if this kid does enter the Military. Do you think they will detect these type of behvaiors or will he manulipliate them like everyone else. Also. If a sociopath did enlist. Do you think they could survive in the military based on their personality? Please send me some insight on the things I have disused? Im curious to know. By the way I have cut him out even though I live with him. I try to have no contact and keep my things locked up. Im moving in 4 weeks cant wait to get out of here. Living with a sociopath is living hell and I dont wish it upon anyone. Because like you said. Theres no way to deal with them they are ignorant assholes who only care about themselves. Please send your reply to my email at JRL07F@fsu.edu.
whit, i just want you to know it's not your fault.. i know it hurts but you're going to get through this. it sounds to me he targeted you because you seem so together and respectable. you seem like a loving person to have stayed with someone even though they had such problems, and that's a good thing. and he did do you a favor, imagine if you had children with this man?
To Anonymous, From Whit33: Thank you for your response. He has been unbelievably cruel and hurtful and the fact that I took it, makes me feel like I am the fool.
I miss him horribly, although I know that if he walked up to my door today, I would not know who 'that' person is.
He is coming to my home on Sunday to pick up his things (at my insistence) and I plan not to be home. I am confident that once this is over that I'll be relieved and hopefully then, move on.
I have been the victim of a sociopath on and off in my career since 2001. From 2001 to 2003 staff who are suppose to be the smartest and the brightest the administrators have listened and believed one person's lies about me.. Do I know the lies? no .. but all the staff have participated in planned ignoring against me as designed by these administrators. People look through me and at me with looks of disgust...I thought I left the two sociopaths behind me when I left one facility to go to another 50 miles away - same system, new agency. 4 years of being the best manager administrator I could be and then wham! they got me again just because I indicated interest in another department head position at old facility...so now I work amongst another group of administrators participating in the same planned ignoring against me as before, without support of people who know, respect and like me for whom I am..I am currently being ignored department by department, person by person and I remain the department head here. When I left the other two behind at the other facility I thought it was over but now I realize that I only fooled myself into believing it was over. The sociopaths will not be happy until I retire or I am forced out with their lies. I have been threatened by one of the administrators that the police are going to come and get me one day and I tell him, so I haven't done anything wrong.. But the sociopath will continue to find something or make up something to cast blame on me. I am the sole support of my family.. I can't leave until I can retire so what will be will be. I am not afraid - I have not done anything wrong. But I will read " The sociopath next door by Matha Stout" For advice, assistance and to be who I used to be before the sociopath entered my life. That is my promise to myself.
To Jason: Glad you are moving. It is very important to get away and never have contact with him. Just a word of advice: After you move, check your credit rating. Because you lived with a SP, it is very possible he has your credit card numbers and personal info. The SP in my life paid his bills via the internet with my credit card.
It's interesting about the military question. I don't think it can keep him from getting in, but I wonder if a SP can actually last without getting kicked out. I do think SP's are incredibly patient and will "play the game" until they can figure out what makes the person in authority tick. (or rather where their weakness is so they can move in and destroy) I am constantly amazed how SP's think they have the upper hand on everyone. Maybe this way of thinking is feeding their ego. They think they are so intelligent yet since I told the SP I know what they are and would do the world a favor if they dropped off the face of the earth, he doesn't bother me anymore. In fact, I threaten him by my mere existence. He goes into a panic whenever I talk to his family. We all laugh at him for his delusions of thinking he rules over everyone.
Any comments to the June 1st note about me and working with the sociopaths - anything I can do differently? I feel like I'm losing it I'm a boss but without the respect... I won't leave so no satisfaction for them they will win.
I would document, document, document! Everything with dates, names and events that happened. I would also sit down and talk with administrator. Find out why he/she believes SP over you. Work with admin to solve the problem and do not complain and expect admin to solve the problem for you. If you are a Dept. Head document times when your orders were not followed thru, attitude of employees, etc.
I don't know that I am/were a hardcore sociopath, but I will admit that I exhibit some of the tendencies. Here's the thing though: these behaviors were all unconscious in the sense that I would think "hey, I want to hurt people."
I grew up in a fairly dysfunctional home, and I think that had something to do with my problem. I never really felt loved or attached to anyone, even my wife, until we had children.
My children have taught me to forget myself quite a bit, and it's been so relieving. The other thing that has helped is that I have the goal to be a better person, and I actively work on it.
I "found God" 13 years ago and that has been the impetus for my trying to be a better person. I know God lives and wants me to be better, so that helps me work to do it. And my insanely-patient wife - she has dilligently helped me to see how I hurt her and even other people, even when I don't realize it. When she tells me what I have done wrong, I am often angry about it for a while. Within hours, though, I realize she is right and I see the error of my ways. As I said, I hurt people and don't realize I am doing it. Therefore, I am not sure if I am really a sociopath, per se, but I sure feel that a lot of what I read about them fits me. Not all of it though, I don't think I use people. But who knows, maybe I am delusional!
All I know is, I am slowly becoming more caring about people. It's been hard work though. Very hard. But, it has been worth every ounce of effort.
Maybe, if a sociopath wants to be a better person, they can find some motivator. Doesn't need to be God, as it is for me, but something that actually motivates you to be better. I can tell you this, life has been so much richer now that I try to lose myself in serving other people. I am able to finally *feel* emotion.
By the way, I was on Zoloft for a while, and it stole my ability to feel emotion. Perhaps a lot of our "sociopaths" are merely drugged up on so much antidepressants that they no longer feel and then become sociopathic as a result. Just a possible hypothesis...
(JohnSmith)Been lurking here for awhile. Fascinating, to say the least. I was a victim of a female SP and ended up moving out of state to escape it. Details are unnecessary. She did what they all do, even worse. But I could not let it go. Suffice to say that my need for revenge outweighed my need for closure or safety. Well, I got my revenge and I have Eric to thank for that.
One day it occurred to me to ask myself:
1.) What would Eric do to bring this person down?
and
2.) What does an SP fear?
The second one is easy: Loss Of Control.
Add to that: Confinement.
With regards to the first question, I merely mimicked a sociopath's deviousness; I allowed her to believe she was in control, then painstakingly lured her into a trap (of her own making). Long story short, I framed her for a crime she didn't commit (serious drug charge), and the book was thrown at her because she HAD been found guilty of similar crimes. Certain states in the U.S. have what is referred to as a "3-Strikes Law" or "Habitual Offender Law". She's gone and will stay gone for a long, long time, and not in a cushy mental institution for "observation". I came to the conclusion that since an SP doesn't play by the rules, why should I? I would take issue with Eric's assertion that it is "impossible" to beat a sociopath. I could, quite literally, beat you to death, Eric, and not feel a thing, perhaps because of what I've been put through, but mostly because I DO feel empathy... for humans. Since SP's are clearly not human, well, you can figure out the rest. Interestingly, the similarities between the sociopath and the child molestor, in terms of the incurability and the predatory behavior, make them perfect candidates for eradication-- or BRANDING, as was suggested earlier. I would love to see these monsters walking around with a giant "SP" burned into their faces. Fuck it, why not the whole word SOCIOPATH? I mean they contribute absolutely nothing to human society, save for pain and misery. And we already condone (I do) the castration of child rapists, so...
Eric, have you ever considered the repercussions of decieving or manipulating the wrong person? My SP didn't. And she didn't see it coming.
Clearly, my hatred for the SP goes beyond anything that has been discussed thus far, but I know damn well that some of you feel it, too. I ran away, but I couldn't just let her get away with what she did. The whole damn thing consumed me. My solution might not work for others but it worked for me. I HAD to. There was a child involved; my 4-year-old son. She is the egg donor (I will not refer to her as a mother). I simply refused to let her destroy my son.
Alas, Eric did let me down after all.
This whiny-bitch nonsense about "I don't know whether or not there is a god". WTF? A sociopath that is NOT an Atheist? HOW FUCKING WEAK ARE YOU?
There is no god. Among the thousands of reasons why that is true, you, Eric, have failed to grasp the most blatantly obvious one: YOU exist.
I applaud your effort to do what you had to do to protect your 4 yr. old son. I tried everything to get the SP I knew thrown in jail. No one can understand the damage a SP can do to a child unless they see it with their own eyes. Good for you!
(Eric) Hmmm, as I read you post John Smith I first thought maybe I'll mess with you a bit, maybe I'll give you a virtual high five but I decided I'll just state it as it is. I find your post quite comical because you say you framed this girl because of me that is hysterical and I also find it funny how you people believe this will solve your problems, because with the anger you displayed for me your life has not suddenly become amazing over night, go figure. I will now address your post and for the first time in the forum tell you my thoughts. First off, a sociopath does not experience fear the same way you do and so you cannot really incite fear into them, but you most definitely can take control from them, which you did, and I applaud you. However, this emotional trigger you have gives you a sudden release but over time this feeling will turn to anger, which it has. I do doubt that you could beat me up as I am quite physically fit nad currently enrolled in the army but I suppose you never know. One thing for sure though, is that at this point in time and for the remainder of your life I will have a MUCH better handle on my emotions while you sky rocket through depression and adrenaline revenge. You asked what have sociopaths contributed to our society and I would have to say freedom. In world war two it was believed that only about 50% of soldiers ever fired their weapon and most likely less. It is also believed that over 90% of the killing was done by 2% of the army, this being sociopaths. Clearly sociopaths were the backbone of the army and produced the most results and you cannot argue with results especially when the conclusion is winning a war. So what have I contributed to our society? I would have to say my life, integrity, honour and full loyalty to my country and its countrymen. To answer your next question, no I haven't really wondered about messing with the wrong person because I believe I am that wrong person. Your ex is clearly a moron who has already been caught twice with drugs and therefore set herself up, you may have framed her or whatever but it seems likely this was inevitable, the only difference is that you will now have to live with the fact that you placed your baby's MOTHER in jail. And maybe this makes you happy and gleeful but your post does depict your feelings a little differently. My question for you is did you have consider the repercussions of what you did? You have also slandered everyone who believes in God(s) in your post by saying that you are weak, my question for you is do you feel stronger not believing in a God? Also, I did say that I believed in God i simply said I was unsure, and immediately following that I said that I did not care, and I don't. I believe that I am an intelligent person, unlike yourself and it is the weak that believes he knows everything and actually the strong who accept both possibilities. You state there is no God because you have been tortured and completely immasculated and scarred (with a child) by this woman and this makes you very depressed and depressed people don't really open their arms to the idea of a God who allows them to feel this bad, do they? The existence of God is not relevant, if you have read the bible or any religous doctrine you would know that if there is a God he/she gives us free will. This means that we are free to do whatever we please and so the existence of God would not change my behaviour, would it? However, I'm sure you are sitting at your computer whilst hating your life and cursing your ex and depressed about your baby and getting very upsettable at me and probably thinking I am some type of weak minded moronic loser, but may I remind you that at this moment I am laughing, and you are crying inside, and this feeling will remain the same for both of us, and finally I'm curious as to why I am the weak one when it is you that have been so easily tricked and emotionally shattered by a female?
(Eric) Also if I get to walk around with SP burned on my forehead do you have to walk around with Immasculated By SP, or maybe just SP Victim?
(Eric) and finally I meant to say "I didn't say that I beleived in God" but I put I did. Maybe my contradictory sociopaty is just acting up (laughs)
I live with a sociopath and or rather cohabitate. I had a wonderful life and career, I also had a an excellent home. Now I have nothing, except scares and memories that haunt me in my sleep. It doesn't matter where it started. But I know it has to end or my life will. When people tell you to leave a sociopath, do it. I was nearly bashed to death by this man and after being picked up in the morning from the hospital, we went home. he was helping me undress as I was that bruised and scrathed that I had trouble moving about and may I add my face was unrecognisible with various damage that it sickened me to look at myself, however he had gotten an erection. He won the game.
(JohnSmith) Yes, Eric, I fully expected a faux-clever, circular response from you (as did everyone else who has been following this). You are an SP, after all. Neverthless, I will try to be clearer.
1.) I never claimed that any of this happened overnight. My SP has been three states away for 3 years now. Occasionally, I would hear from it. It would threaten me or praise me, hang up on me or beg me, laugh or cry. It would poke and prod from the entire gamut of false emotions in order to get back in my good graces, presumably so it could attempt to destroy me. I never gave in. My life was pretty good except for one thing: I needed revenge; the missing piece. It was after I got it that my life became amazing. You see, the unimaginable (well, YOU could imagine it) white-hot anger that I felt for years promptly vanished, replaced by the slow-burning, dark-but-mellow anger that I normally live with, and after what I have been put through, am content with. For me, if I HADN'T struck back, IT (the SP) would still be controlling me.
2.) Perhaps "fear" was the wrong word choice. I WAS able to force it to experience intolerable uncomfortableness by removing it's control. When it all went down, I felt proud. There was no "sudden release". It was warmly satisfying and remorse-free. And it still is, so fuck you, Eric. You know very well how possible it is to live with anger and still thrive.
3.) OF COURSE you have a much better handle on your emotions-- you're a sociopath! That is such a straw-man argument.(read: WEAK) Maybe at this point I should disclose that I, myself, fit some of the criteria layed out by the original article. I would also say that I am quite envious of an SP's emotional control. But I would NEVER trade in my empathy for it. You will say that that is weak... which is a predictable response. Your arguments are circular, but you come by it honestly. (Just realized how ironic and funny that last statement is.)
4.) OK, now I will address your delusions about the army. First of all, aren't you in Toronto? Not to be disrespectful to our brothers to the north, but exactly what kind of "action" do think you will encounter as a soldier in CANADA's army?? I'll have you know I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF ABOUT THIS ONE. Let me quote Robin Williams. He said, "Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party." If I'm way off the mark on the Canada thing, deal with it. You've made several incorrect assumptions about me, so I don't give a shit. SECONDLY, you claim to despise this society. Why then would you DEFEND it? Thirdly, please provide credible sources for the stats you mentioned. Of particular interest is the conclusion that "clearly sociopaths were the backbone of the army". I'm starting to think you're just an abused child pretending to be an SP because that declaration is WAY too over-the-top and full of pride to have come from any SELF-RESPECTING SP. Then you elaborate on your contributions to society? Loyalty? Countrymen? PLEASE. The anonymity of this forum is not enough to hide the fact that even if you are a real SP, you're one of the common piss-ant variety; a walking vagina who is simultaneously a pathological liar. You believe you're that "wrong" person? To me, you come across as a frightened adolescent nerd-geek who's afraid of his own small penis. You're small but physically fit? Maybe, but you're also not old enough to grow a beard! Hell, the ACNE couldn't have subsided yet. And this business about beating eachother up: I was having fun at your expense about your usage of the word "beat". You of course meant "win". I of course meant "pummel". You are right in that you don't know what the outcome would be... but I do.
(JohnSmith)
5.) Correct. My X is a moron. Just like you. It has more to do with the failure to make connections between actions and consequences than anything else. You know, that whole inability-to-plan-ahead thing. You also have an arrest record, don't you? Or was that one of the other morons? I am quite used to and proud of NOT having the egg donor in my son's life anymore, AND I'm tickled beyond words that she will be behind bars for more years than you've been alive. Please humor me and point out exactly WHERE, in my original post, do I depict my feelings differently? See, it's little things like that... that cause me to doubt your claim to the SP throne. Also, capitalizing the word MOTHER clearly indicates that you CARE about what I think; and it's something that a child would do. Not a sociopath.
6.) Religion. Let's get your appalling misuse of the word "slander" out of the way, shall we?
Slander is an UNTRUTHFUL oral (spoken) statement about a person that HARMS the person's reputation or standing in the community. A few facts:
a. There is no god.
b. I said nothing untrue.
c. You persona on this forum is that of an intellectually inexperienced young man, no matter how others here fawn over you. It matters not that they can't see it. I can.
I never claimed that I believe I know everything. Your logic falls apart in this assine statement: "It is the strong who accept both possibilities." God is not a possibility. It is the UNINTELLIGENT AND UNDER-EDUCATED who entertain fairytales of this nature. I was born an Atheist. The nightmare that I went through with the egg donor could only serve to bolster my convictions about the lie that is god. In other words, I didn't need that experience to remain an Atheist. The idea that god gives us free will is preposterous. If YOU had read YOUR bible, you would know that (according to scripture) everything is PRE-DETERMINED by god's plan. This is why praying is senseless. Nice try, shithead. Only a teenager would try to attack from that angle. Oh, that's right... you ARE a teenager. Again, it seems to me that no SP with an IQ that you CLAIM to have would ever hesitate to deny the existence of god. You might as well have said that you were conflicted over the existence of the Tooth Fairy. You're an embarrassment to real SP's. Your writing did inspire me to beat an SP at their own game, by PLAYING their game-- but now I see that you're a fake SP (what a strange thing to be). You should be ashamed. And who knows, maybe you are. You DID admit to being able to feel shame. And what is shame, Eric? I KNOW WHAT IT IS, because it's what I felt when I was broken down by a REAL SP. It's INADEQUACY. It's GUILT. It's DISGRACE. It's HUMILIATION. But there was a cure. It's called salvaging your dignity. And if you really can feel all of that, you're no sociopath. You're just a piece of shit.
(JohnSmith)
You are not that wrong person, Eric. I am.
You have let everyone know that you are a small, but physically fit 18-year-old student at the University Of Toronto named Eric, who is about to join the army. You and I both know that is way more than enough information to locate you. Thing is... I don't believe a word of it.
(Eric) Oh my where to begin. Well the one thing that stood out that shows your ignorance and stupidity is your beliefs about the Canadian Forces. You claim that I am some abused small little boy who is quite pathetic, and hey maybe your beliefs of me are 100% correct, but remember your the one that stated it was me to thank putting your "revenge" plan in order, so where would you be right now without me? Sure you can say you still would have done it, but it is hard to believe those that are determined to force others into those beliefs, because aren't those people the most fragile? I thought the man forcing everyone to believe what he believes was the "weak minded on" but that's clearly not you, it's not like your whole life has been completely shattered by some girl, and now you resort to trying be tougher than narcissistic "kids" on the internet. I also see a very similar resemblance to you and they very thing you seem to hate and that is religion and God but yet your behaviour depicts a typical Christian, trying to force people into your beliefs and calling those who believe the other idiots, and may i remind your sub-par mind again that I have never once stated where I stand on religion because arguing about the existence of God is pointless because a sociopath believes that he is a God. So yes, John the existence of God is unbelievably unlikely, congratulations you must be the most intelligent person on the planet, and speak so forceful on the topic so you must be right... The difference between you and me when it comes to religion is that you seem to be obsessed with your belief and also obsessed with making others believe it and "punishing" those who do not, you are a bit of the Nazi persuasion, whereas I, the more intelligent, less close minded one simply do not care. I am shocked that I am even writing about this because I DO NOT CARE, John, so stop bringing this up, who cares what others believe, you egotistical, immasculated, depressed ridden, emotionally stunted VICTIM, and oh my god I wrote in CAPS that must mean I'm pretending to be a sociopath and am really 14... idiot...
(Eric) There are several references to these facts, why not walk to a library and read a book on World War 2, but I know it must be hard to make it all the way down the street with your massive head throwing your balance off so here is one website that details sociopaths and the army. http://www.g2mil.com/fatigue.htm
Read don't read it, I don't care. I'm not sure if this is the one with the stats but I'm sure you could easily google facts about sociopaths and the army. Also the Canadian Forces have entered EVERY SINGLE call the UN has given, that makes Canada the only country to have sent troops to peacekeep at every opportunity and you cannot say that about America. Also, it is widley believed that Canada has a better trained army because we less people we are trained in a various survival and combat tactics where as the U.S. soldiers and trained in a specific trade only. Also, it is fact that Canada has the most elite special forces team. Let's take a look at the U.S. special forces known as the Navy Seals, they will accept every single person who qualifies and passes their training course that means if 1000 people apply 1000 people can become a member of their special forces. In Canada if 1000 people apply and they all qualify they will still only take 2-4 people. Also, Canada and the U.S. take care of eachother right now in Afghanistan, oh my God Canada is in the Middle East fighting? no way? We have lost over 120 soldiers in Afghanistan, no way! You moron, you couldn't even take the time to google Cananda Army, just shows your narrow minded hypocytical views. Also, you are correct the information I posted about myself is in incorrect but it is all relatively close to the truth. That is not the school I attend but I do attend a university, my name is not Eric, I am not 18 but very close, and the information regarding my enrollment in the forces is not open to a public chat room, am I lying about lying John, you seem to think your so smart why not tell me who I am... And okay John, I welcome you to locate me however I would say it is highly possible I am in a Federal Training Facility with hundreds of armed men, or maybe not, you tell me, genius, I'm interested in what perspectives an obnoxious insecure man with a very low ability to read people, who has been humiliated and embarassed by a sociopath can come up with. I wonder if you will display bias against me because someone of my "kind" has ruined your life, hmmm...
Can someone give me advise about how to protect my elderly mother from my brother who is trying to take advantage of her in every way he can. He has manipulated her out of large sums of money and has lied to her about situations that do not even exist. I believe he is attempting to upset her to her detriment. I am somewhat afraid of what he is capable of doing if I try to protect my mother financially and legally. He would not hesitate to drag her into court and she is not mentally or physically able to withstand such an ordeal. This side of him did not present itself to me until my father died 2 years ago. I have lately found out that this has been going on for years with his wife.
I should also state that I have removed myself from dealing with my brother any further. I did this before reading the post that that is the best solution, but I have to deal with my brother with regard to my mother. I had taken the last of his lying and told him months ago that if it continued he would leave me no other choice. Well it lasted only a few months and started again.
(George Cromwell III)
Mmmmm.... how delicious. Character assassination and stalkerish behavior. Eric, you made JhonSmith come out of the SP closet, so to say. So much hate, so much anger! JhonSmith, if anything you are a socialized sociopath now. Welcome to the club, brother. Hahaha!
(George Cromwell III)
Eric, do you ever read about sociopathy to relax? I feel so relaxed for some reason when I read over the personality traits I exhibit. I find it almost life affirming.
I want to ask eric or any other people who want give me an advice. I know for sure a sociopath (no doubt). she manipulated me for 27 years, she made me do things, all kind of thinks, she was performing my life from backstage, my life become an inferno is a long story......... but I found the courage and say no more, and I got in arguments with her, I even turn other people against her, because I show proves of her lies and manipulations, she lost money, authority and she had some trouble on convincing people and geting and doing what she want, she got reeeeeaaaaly mad with me because I took people out of her control...... the problem I have is that she promess reavenge and she call me her enemy!!!! I saw her anger in her eyes ! I saw the eyes of the sociopath without the mask ,,, I used to call it the possetion of a deamond!!!!!! It was creepy, I shaked, I was even praying quaetly !!!! I haven't seeing her since then (2 years ago) this woman is my "mother" so she was trying to get to me manipulating my sisters and Dad, since I'm starting a relationship with them, on the phone at least... but I wonder how deep can i have this relationship with my sisters without geting hurt again or worstly without let in her acheave her goal of reavenge on my. Do you think she forgot obout that revenge thing???, do you think I shoud keep it just on the phone????, Should I keep hidding????, I moved to another country (english is my second lenguage)
(George Cromwell III)
Anonymous english as a second language with an oedipus complex. If you want to have a "deep" relationship with your sisters now that your mother and you have had a falling out, I say go for it. Doesn't matter what society thinks, pleasure is the purest of pursuits. Long as you are all consenting adults, life is good. ;)
(Eric) Why yes I do George lol I actually have the profile of a sociopath in my favourites bar and whenever I am bored I'll look at the traits and characteristics and just sit there smiling. It's funny because those who read it are thinking wow these traits are so negative who could be like this and I sit there going "Got that one, got that one, oh yeah got that one." When I first started looking up profiles I did find it relaxing because it was the one thing that contained all of my "socially unusual" traits. Currently I search for articles and writings about sociopaths and the army because it gets me anxious and feeling great lol. And yeah I'm pretty content with how I affected John and still am, he's becoming quite the angry, devious person and maybe one day he will fully cross over. How funny are his little comments about religion and God and his critiques on my beliefs eh? He has become relatively entertaining.
(JohnSmith) You see, everyone? As I predicted, the circular responses abound...
First a bit of revelation. Everything I wrote was true with the following two exceptions:
1.) I did not frame my X (SP).
2.) My X (SP) is not in jail.
I was granted sole custody of my son, and we did run all the way across the continent
to escape IT. I do not condone the "trapping" of an SP... for anyone else but myself.
I have dreams/fantasies of the horrendous things I would do to IT, if only I could get
away with it. I have my beautiful son to think about, which stops me from acting on
these impulses (am I a sociopath's opposite? an anti-sociopath?). I don't think the revenge
fantasies will ever totally subside, and in this way I am still being controlled. I see that. But
every day that passes in which IT is not a part of my son's life makes my decision to run
the best possible choice that I could have made. Absolutely.
I have read the posts on this forum for several months now with equal parts intrigue
and disdain, specifically when comes to our anti-hero, "Eric". It surprised me how
many of you fell for his act, especially when you consider that most of us here have
had up-close-and-personal experience with the madness that is a REAL SP. It was
clear to me that he was a fraud. There is no insight to be gleaned from anything he
has to say. His responses or "advice" to actual victims sickened me. Calling us stupid,
weak, pathetic and so on-- because we failed to detect that the people we loved and
trusted were... what? Insane? Demons? Sick? Evil? Non-Human?? It's like blaming a
baby for not being able to stop a 300-pound bodybuilder from stealing it's candy. I
wanted to drag "Eric" out into the light, and I had a feeling that he would respond the
way he did if I hurled a few insults at his self-professed "evil tough guy" persona.
So I concocted this elaborate ruse, to expose him for what he really is.
"Eric" is an abused adolescent, not a sociopath. It is possible that he thinks he is,
but it's just as likely that sociopathology is a hobby for him. When questioned about
being an SP, the answers seem rehearsed and scripted, as though he is lifting his
responses right out of a book. However, when personally attacked, the reaction
is drastically different, like a child throwing a tantrum. (cont. on next post)
(JohnSmith) "Eric" may actually have some sociopathic tendencies. Notice how he is always
stating that he's telling the truth "this time". That line is eerily reminiscent of the
authentic SP that terrorized me. Also, notice the dynamics of the arguments he puts
forth. It's one extreme or the other; there is no grey area. For instance, on the subject
of religion, he waffled back and forth until I reminded him that a real SP would
never sink so low as to even discuss such a preposterous notion (preposterous to a
real SP). However, when "Eric" finally relented (something a real SP would never do),
instead of being a good sport, the angry pre-pubescent that lives inside of "Eric" resurfaced,
snidely and sarcastically accusing me of being "the most intelligent person on the planet".
On the other hand, after all of his solemn platitudes about being immune to insults or personal
attacks, he has a meltdown over the subject of the military, particularly Canada.
Interestingly, he never once responds to questions about WHY he would defend a society that
he claims he despises. In defense of his kind (also something a real SP would never do),
he throws out some obviously spurious "statistics". This is what he wrote in an earlier post:
"90% of the killing was done by 2% of the army, this being sociopaths. Clearly sociopaths
were the backbone of the army."
I asked "Eric" for a credible source for this. He referred me to a website run by Carlton Meyer
(who also contributes to right-wing, paranoid, conspiracy-theory type websites like infowars.com--
so much for a credible source). His level of expertise in all manners of the military appears to
be that of a hobbiest. Certainly his website is a hobby. It's also full of personal opinion (he's entitled)
and misinformation... and the ACTUAL quote is as follows:
"One study during World War II showed that after 90 days of combat action, 98% of soldiers
showed signs of combat fatigue, the other 2% were sociopaths."
As you can see (and as predicted), "Eric" will distort information to fortify his postion.
"Eric" clearly has no credibility or understanding of anything about military systems,
because for him credibilty is irrelevant. He will twist information to support his "argument",
and that IS sociopathic behavior. However, the evidence thus far (his posts in this forum)
do NOT suggest that it is coming from an authentic sociopath. At least not to me. (cont. on next post)
(JohnSmith) Lastly, there is the parodox of his relentless insistence that he cares for nothing, least of all
what other people think. He then goes off on rants like this:
"I am shocked that I am even writing about this because I DO NOT CARE, John, so stop
bringing this up, who cares what others believe, you egotistical, immasculated, depressed
ridden, emotionally stunted VICTIM"
He doesn't get it. Typing that statement AT ALL reveals that he DOES care very, very
deeply about what other people think, especially of him. This outburst (complete with petty
name-calling) is yet another example of what an authentic SP would NEVER, EVER say.
And yet, it's hard not to feel pity for "Eric", in the way you would for a wounded animal
that cannot survive on it's own and needs to be put down. Without a doubt, he does need
some form of help. Perhaps there was some truth in his desire to join the army. I would
agree that it is possible for an SP to thrive in the military. But "Eric"?
I would love to be there when the realization sets in that he's going to have his ass handed
to him by real men who's job is to mold him into a real man. If anyone can strip away the mask
that "Eric" wears and give him the good, hard spanking that he deserves, it's the army.
Maybe it's just what he needs.
I will no longer respond to you "Eric".
Please find an appropriate forum for your affliction.
I would suggest one that deals with teenagers who suffered abuse
as a child and who now suffer from depression, but that is just a guess.
Good luck to you.
Now, I hope we can get back to the business of authentic sociopaths
and helping eachother remove these monsters from our lives.
(George Cromwell III)
I can see you have valiantly destroyed Eric with your deep analysis of his words. Your logic is epic and concise. You're deep and to the point words and arguments have showed me your true deductive skills.
/sarcasm
MMmmm... thats some good back peddling there JhonSmith. Of course Eric is a sociopath and will distort what he is telling you. Duh. As for him saying he doesn't care what people think. I've seen some sociopaths that do, some that don't. It depends what 'flavor' so to say of sociopath you are. All sociopaths have a low tolerance for frustration, sometimes that frustration comes from when people don't like you. It's not that we are upset people don't like us, it's just we know we aren't in same type of control when they don't. Mind you some sociopaths have their little group under control and don't care about anyone outside it. It's twisted by your perspective but ultimately logical.
What I'm trying to say JohnSmith is that you seem borderline and suffering from PTSD. So don't try to analyze people (epically sociopaths) too much. It's not good for you. Your perspective is distorted by mental health issues. Plus your extra long copy and paste from Word diatribes are time consuming and not to the point. Though they probably bring lots of joy to Eric and are a testament to the power he has over you.
(George Cromwell III)
I doubt that is true considering how many people were killed in Russia during communist times. Look at a China as a another clear example. As a sociopath I can't learn to love. It's a foreign concept that I really find repugnant to be honest. Oddly enough I care for animals quite a bit, even cats ;) but I wouldn't call it love. I find animals more honest... if that makes any sense.
Hey Eric, I've heard that some sociopaths find themselves attached to objects or strange spritual beliefs. Have you experienced that yourself?
(Eric) A little bit, I suppose, I probably care more for my dog than anything else. But I do not really have a strong attachment to it. It's more that the dog is so submissive and doesn't really bother me so I can do whatever I want because I am in complete control, similar to when I am in a relationship, except in that situation the other person talks. I do get what you mean when you says animals are more honest because unlike humans they have a straight path to what they desire unlike humans who are manipulative and set out several paths to get what they want, never being a straight shooter, so to speak. I have never really had an attachment to anything, I simply lack the care for anything but myself I believe this narcissitic sense contributes to that, and I have never felt an attachment to an object quite the opposite actually. For example I am currently in the process of moving and I simply told a (roomate) that they have my permission to throw out whatever they want and keep whatever they want. However, some of this is because I will be absent for the next 3 years so I do not really care what I leave behind.
I have a daughter whom I know is a sociopath. She creates turmoil and havik where ever she goes. I worn people about her but they don't listen. She has a nine year old son who is being affected by this. She knows that I will go to the ends of the earth for his well being. Afterall he is a child. She has alieanated many in her lifetime and still is doing so to this day. I feel helpless regarding my grandson. She has such a negative effect on him but as a child he does not realize this. He only wants what is familiar to him and that is his mother. It is horrific to watch this woman literally destroy his young life. He is a different boy in her presence. I feel I as her mother have given birth to my enemy. Sad but true. Her son has been in my care many times he has felt secure and comfortable and then she comes along and destroys his security. As a grandparent I have no rights only when it is to my daughters advantage. It is horrifying to watch this happen to my grandson. I have tried to protect him from her but as someone said earlier the family law does not protect children from sociopaths. It is a disease that is difficult to pinpoint. If you use your own commen sense..... there is no doubt in my mind whatsoever you will know you are dealing with a sociopath. Too many people dismiss their behaviour or make excuse for them. When my grandson was born and I quite willingly attended his birth her first words to me as her childs grandmother were ....NOW I HAVE YOUR TICKET MOM!. It sent chills down my spine cause I knew it was true. I am trying to distance myself because of the pain and anguish she has cause myself and everyone within her radius. She does not realize I am on to her. To confront her is suicide. But I have learned deal with her sick twisted logic. It exhausts me everytime and now I must rest again before the next bout. The only way I can do this is to loose contact with her for long periods of time. Unfortuneately a young boy suffers for this. It is not fair at all but it is unfortunately reality.
Helpless in Canada
Okay. So, I'm sure that someone has already commented on a similar situation, but I guess I'm just using this place to vent or confirm my suspicions. I think my father is a sociopath. He is the type of person who cuts down perfectly healthy trees, that are not causing any sort of trouble because it entertains him. He considers it "productive." He always has be "productive" otherwise he gets bored. He's an alcoholic, and gets more verbally and emotionally abusive when he's on the drink. Luckily, my mother divorced him (which he says HE divorced HER) when I was six-years-old and my brother was nine. We are 21 and 24 now. He moved down the street from us, and after the divorce almost immediately started dating someone else. She broke up with him (for obvious reasons) not long after they started dating, and within a couple of weeks he started dating another woman, who he was with for eight years. When I was twelve I realized that my father does not have the capacity to love or feel empathy. He blamed me for everything, and on the rare occasions when someone called him out saying that such-and-such could not possibily have been my fault, he apologized, but it was never geniune. All of the women he dated after my mother (who is an exceptional and beautiful woman) were intellectually inferior to him, and, dare I say, hideous? He has been in four long-lasting relationships since my parents divorced, two of which ended up in marriage. Two of the women have been diagnosably insane, and he broke it off with them. Before his divorce with his second wife was final, he started seeing another woman, and within two weeks they were saying "I love you" to each other and only one more week went by until she started living with him. His current wife is what my brother and I suspect to be a mail-order bride. They've all been tormented under his rule, and they've all subjected themselves to inferiority.
Before my parents were divorced, my mother would come home from running errands on the weekend and my father would be "watching us" and my brother and I would run up to her begging for lunch at four o'clock in the afternoon. My father's response when my mother confronted him about this was "well, they're alive, aren't they?" I have never seen my father cry. When I was 15 I tried to kill myself because of DPD and severe depression. I got scared and called poison control, and they asked me which one of my parents I would prefer they called. I told them to call my father because I knew that he wouldn't care. He would just do his job to take me to the hospital. My mother would have been crying and screaming the whole way there and she would have crashed and I would have really died. When I was safe-and-sound in the psychiatric ward, my father looked at my mother and said, "well, I'm off to my bowling party."
When I was 17 my mom and I moved to the same city my brother was going to college, and a year later he moved to a different town with his third wife. He let me get a kitten when I was eight, and I couldn't take her with me when we moved, and he didn't want her, so he just "went to the nicest part of town and dropped her off." No shelter, no "cat needs a home" fliers. Just, "see ya later, cat." No remorse. When my brother and I informed him that neither of us planned to have our own children, he was angry and dumbfounded. I told him I would probably adopt, just not birth my own kids, and which point he said, "they won't be MY grandchildren." He wouldn't speak to us for a while. He lost the game.
I'm not worried about my father hurting anyone. No one likes him. No one wants to be around him. I only see him about once a year for a breif period of time. He still fights with my mother about taxes (my father: "turbo tax said I could do that!" my brother: "well, the government says ya can't.")
So does anyone have any insights? I know that I didn't go into great detail, but do you think he's a sociopath or just plain heartless?
Wow! I'm a newbie on the site and whoa Nelly. I don't feel like going into a lot of stories that are more of the same. Just know that I know I'm working along side a complete pschyo, control freak woman. We're both special education teachers in NC. We're the only two teachers of this in our school. I was her assistant for 3 years and realized her control issues and she mentioned she was seeing "someone" for help with "control". Fast forward, I'm now a teacher of equal footing, no longer her "underling". She's managed to control some money given to our classes and benevolently hands it out to me as she sees fit. I confronted her and damn, I came to tears which I see now she enjoyed immensely. I realize it is a game to her and she won even though I now will get the money without her involved. So here's my question. How do I put a ripple in her pond? How do I send her just one little zinger? If it's not confronting is it completely ignoring? Should I turn my back to her if she walks by? Should I go over her head to the principal? Can I walk by her and whisper, "control freak"? Is there ANYTHING that would get her pissed for a little bit? Maybe I'm a little warped too but I've seen her trample over others and intimidate and I'd just love to once get in a good dig.
one of my college professors fit the sociopathic profile almost perfectly, once i took into consideration how he was with other students also (i was not in a romantic or sexual relationship with him). a really odd characteristic of his was that he always sat unmoving even when talking.
i can also think of other people at work and in my social life who also seemed to fit.
there were even two i knew in highschool who wouldn't surprise me to have developed into full-blown serial killers. they were both manipulative, dishonest, controlling, and into setting fire to things and disecting live animals.
you don't have to be a medical professional or a masochist to have met a sociopath.
(Bell)
To the NC teacher: The only thing I know you can do to bug her is take away her control. Maybe the next time she expects something, you could "disobey" her or else do it differently than what she expects. You could also try to reverse her recent victory by saying something like, "I'm sorry I broke into tears the other day, but I have been feeling blue since my dog died." SP's despise weakness and respect strength. They do not think like you and me. It does not sound like you have enough understanding yet of the mind of an SP to play her game, let alone beat her at it. You wouldn't BELIEVE the mind of an SP! You have been a pawn in her game and you didn't even realize the game was being played. Insulting her with "control freak" would be a compliment, to her mind, of which she would be proud. Intentionally turning your back on her is as loud as a scream, so my suggestion is to just go your own way, being coldly polite, and ignoring whatever she says. Document everything objectionable in case you do want to go over her head someday.
To Eric: I guess you need to officially sign in to this forum so people can't impersonate you, although I have to admit that this shit has been a scream.
To GC3: Go suck an egg. And STOP mentoring Eric. He doesn't need the influence of an older and wiser sociopath to get pointers on how to be better at sociopathy. Go shit someplace else, you evil bastard.
(Bell) Adam: Thank you so much for starting to approve comments now before posting them. That is the perfect solution to this stupidity. As you must have noted, the normal regulars have either left or kept silent lately. This site had lost its purpose and now will recover. I'm also glad that you're showing that YOU are the one in charge here!!!!
Thanks, Bell. I really liked having an unregulated forum, and I kept thinking those guys would get tired of their stupidity, but I finally decided that this forum needs to be valuable for people who come here to read it, and not just a waste of their time.
Wow. What has happened to this site? Haven't been on for awile. I can see that it has gone from what seemed to be a learning and helping site, to a free for all. Are the crazies all one person split into different personalities?
I don't know. But I am moderating comments now. I was hoping I wouldn't have to do that, but it was just devolving into something un-worthwhile. When I have time, I'm going to go back and delete the pointless comments, so as to minimize the time people have to waste reading it.
My daughter is married to a man who fits nearly every criteria of a sociopath. He does not seem to care about anyone but himself and constaintly causes problems between my daughter and myself, telling her I caused this problem or said something about her to the point that she told me to get out of her life. He constantly cheats with other women. My daughter was going to divorce him and her sister then told her about the other women but he charmed her into staying with him. He is an attorney and the senior partner told him he had to leave the firm for embezeling funds and is pressing charges against him. He told my daughter that I told the senior partner about this. He constantly causes chaos and turmoil and for now I cannot even see my grandchildren.
(Bell) Funny how many SP's are attorneys and politicians. How ironic and how sad for your daughter. From what you say, your daughter knows but wants to deny it as long as possible. She may think she can change him with loyalty, patience, and love but if so she is mistaken. Perhaps that is why you and the reality you represent are no longer welcome, for the time being at least. The situation will worsen over time and the only question is how long your daughter will put up with it. If you have the opportunity, just let her know that you are available whenever she needs you.
I always knew there was something not quite right with the man that I became involved with. I knew that he was depressed and took medication for it. As I became more involved with him it was obvious from the lies and delusional behaviour something really was wrong with this man. He became so paranoid and would make up whole stories in such detail when I would confront him about his lies. Half the time I couldnt even be bothered to say anything. He drank too much and told me he never touched a drop! He had major temper tantrums and I always made excuses for his antisocial behaviour. He had major debt which I later found out about and never held a job for more than a few years. Never took care of the important things in life and almost swindled me out of my life savngs. Why did I let this happen for so long? Simple I love him. Sad to say hook line and sinker. I always think that I can help him, fix him and save him. I am ashamed and embarassed to have been so cleverly suckered in by this charming individual. I constantly try to get him out of my life but he always manages to creep back in. So for now I am strong and hope that it lasts and I can finally move on with my life. Thank God I have a dear friend who knows all about this and when I am having a weak moment I can call her and she will put me back on the right path. She reminds me of all of the horrors that he has done and I feel strong again. I am hoping that my feelings fade for him at some point.
(Bell) I came across this on the net. I won’t say where so that you can’t look up the answer (or at least not easily).
This riddle was supposedly formulated by an American psychologist to test whether patients have the mentality of a sociopath. Supposedly, the answer is obvious to an SP, while the mind of a non-SP is incapable of conceiving the answer. And knowing the answer, I can believe it. I’ll give the answer next week (which makes it July 1st):
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought the man was amazing. She believed him to be her dream hero, so much so that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later, she killed her sister.
The question is: What was her motive for killing her sister?
Let’s have some fun and see what answers you large-brained SP’s come up with, shall we?
I wrote in on June 18, 2009 about my daughter being married to a man I consider a sociopath. He constantly lies to her now to the point of telling her I am in love with him and she believed him. I am desperate to try and help my daughter although she has told me she no longer wants me in her or my grandchildren's life. I have been going to a therapist to help me deal with this because we used to be so close and now she will not even answer the phone if I call her. Is there any way I can help her or make her see what he really is. Her sister told her about the other women he had been seeing and he cried and begged his way back into her life telling her he will never do it again and even will start going to church with her. Is there anything I can do?
Can I give the answer even if I'm not a SP?
The man was the funeral director. She killed her sister so she could have another funeral.
Or at least that's what my non SP brain came up with.
Anonymous (and everyone else who comments), please identify yourself in some way so we can answer you. Call yourself something. This is an answer to the Anonymous with the daughter married to a sociopath: Never give up. Just keep giving your daughter information every chance you get. Don't tell her what to do; just inform her. Eventually it will sink in. Send her a book. Send her articles. But try to connect in other ways too. Send her presents that have nothing to do with sociopathy and let her know you love her and care about her. Think of this as a long campaign to win her trust, so when her husband does one more cruel thing, she will not reject the information she has gotten from you, but she will finally get it and begin to free herself.
Has anyone reading these posts been in a similar situation? Have you tried to save someone ELSE from a sociopath only to have them shun you? Can you give Anonymous with the daughter some insight into what worked or what didn't work?
(Bell) Anonymous, it’s not you who needs a therapist. You are having a normal reaction to being estranged through deceit. SP’s are adept at breaking up relationships which may threaten them, hence the heinous accusations against you. He will out-maneuver you at every turn, so that the more you try the more you lose. I don’t know of any good way you can help someone who is clinging to false hopes with her eyes shut tight, refusing to open them. In your position, the best help you can give your daughter is information, as Adam pointed out. And like Adam said, never give up. You can only try to keep your cool while waiting it out.
It’s your daughter who is going to need a therapist when this is over. She is not able to see what she knows is happening, even though she has caught the parasite in his lies and manipulation. It’s incredibly difficult to side against a sociopath, never mind leave them and then stay away from them. It’s much easier to just go along, letting yourself be deceived, even if it means losing the rest of your family and every other relationship you value.
Not to even mention the fact that he’d cream her in a divorce, being a lawyer and a skunk.
Most of us participating in this site have been severely wounded by a sociopath and have been through this disbelief stage, but the day will surely come when your daughter will sorely regret what she’s doing now. She will need you to be her Mom again.
(NC teacher) I thought I posted a comment yesterday. Anyway, I've been thinking about your response to my wanting to send a "jab" to my cohort. I think what I'm hearing is this: In the mind of an SP people are only to control or dismiss entirely. If you're in their circle then they look at you in those two ways. Worthy to control or don't give another thought to them. Is this true? Are there no in betweens? Sad, and very difficult to wrap my brain around...
My oldest son is a sociopath. He recently broke his younger brother's nose for asking him to be quiet while they were watching TV. When the cops cuffed him and led him away, I was in tears but he was completely emotionless. When I picked him up after he had spent the night in Juvi, he was unaffected by the ordeal and completely remorseless.
He has asked his father and I to let him go into the military. Would this more disciplined environment be good for him, or would he come out more violent?
Also, he was attending a church that featured a lot of grandstanding in its services, and I could tell he enjoyed all the attention when he pretended to be "touched by the spirit". Could this church still be a good influence, even though he goes there for the wrong reasons?
I am especially interested in Eric's comments, as he seems to be very similar to my son.
Jackie, a career in the military might be someplace his lack of empathy would help him succeed. Especially emotionally difficult jobs like being a sniper.
I am Lisa, the person with the daughter who is married to an attorney whom I consider a sociopath. I just found out yesterday that he has been involved in something illegal and is being investigated and not be local law enforcement.
I know my daughter will need a therapist when all comes crashing in but we were very close and I am just trying to deal with not being albe to see or talk to her or my 3 grandchildren.
Bell said to get her information but how can I do this if she will not talk to me or allow me to come to her house. Should I send mail? What?
(Bell) To Jackie: Sociopaths do well in the military since they already have a soldier-like mindset. They experience fear as a rush of excitement that is not unpleasant and thus are able to act without showing fear, and can even be seen as heroes under the proper circumstances. You asked if your son would come out of the military more violent. Well, I have never known an SP who actually killed somebody, so I asked the “main” SP in my life about this. (He recently pissed repeatedly on a squirrel he caught while watching it die a slow, agonizing death. A squirrel had made a hole in his roof, but not the one he caught.) His answer was that he was glad he never killed anyone while he was in the military because he was sure he would enjoy it. Back then, it was the Viet Nam era, and he was praised & admired for his prowess.
There are a few sociopaths monitoring this site. They circle this forum like sharks who smell a trace of blood from all us wounded victims. And they would like this analogy of being compared to sharks. Perhaps one of them would be superior enough to condescend to grant us their views. (Eric, I am not including YOU in my sarcasm b/c I actually LIKE you -- not that you would care -- and I hope you will answer Jackie.)
Some good careers for sociopaths would include police officers, guards, firemen, and anything else that lets them feel like a big man. Some SP’s actually make a career out of helping people in order to gain the admiration and adoration it inspires. (How many stories have you heard about the wonderful public hero who privately abused his own family?)
Other than that, SP’s tend to work on their own as handymen or independent contractors of some sort. They have difficulty working for others but tend to be industrious as their own boss. I’m sure you’ve encountered the handyman who does what he wants rather than what you want. They are clever and can excel when they find a job they enjoy doing. That popular song about “I Did It My Way” typifies their attitude.
As far as the church thing goes, I don’t think it will affect your son either way, since he’s just pretending, as many SP’s do. A show of religion can be a good way of duping people. Very few SP’s believe in God or think about God, but they do seem to believe in the devil and think about the devil, or at least in evil as a solid life force. If they have any beliefs, they tend to be bizarre.
To Anonymous above who answered the riddle: GREAT ANSWER! I won’t comment on it, though, until July 1st when I post the real answer. I hope more people will have a go at the answer, SP or not.
Lisa,
Get her information in any way you can. Snailmail, email, through her good friends, anonymously, whatever. And do whatever you can to re-establish your relationship with her. Like Bell said, she is going to need you.
On the Al Wilson post, Anne wrote:
I'd like to share my story and am very open to feedback and opinions. My dad married my mom after having known her for 3 months. My dad was verbally abusive and both parents never showed any affection. They were both very status driven and liked to keep up appearances. Long story short, my dad was very verbally abusive and a control freak. He never showed any signs of weakness or caring. You never knew what was going to " set him off."
I moved away but couldn't escape their judgement, control and verbal abuse. I lost my job and later received a letter that I had " been spinning my wheels without anything to show for my life."
My mother wasn't cruel, just disenganged and selfish. I remember having fallen at the local pool on the cement and bleeding quite a lot. My mother just stepped over me and went on her marry way. This happened many times.I don't even think she cares that I'm no longer around. She can now have all of my sick dad's attention. He is mad only because he can no longer hurt or control me. My mother sacrificed her children's happiness because she lived in fear that he'd leave if she didn't comply with his every whim. I could go into some details of some of their very sick and mean behavior. My mother stated at her own mom's funeral that it was " easier bringing someone into this world and more difficult taking them out. ie: all the paperwork etc.
I was never going to become my mother and never end up with someone like my dad. Famous last words, right?
Since I "broke up with my parents", I've managed to be financially successful in business. I own two properties and it appears that I'm wealthy. As we all know, perception isn't always reality. I actually owe more than they're worth. I promise I'm getting to my point. One of my previous colleagues had actually interviewed for my job, but I got the role. He was marriend, but very charming. It wasn't long before he was telling me how much he loved me and how he'd die if we weren't together. I had him move into my house and we didn't tell the wife. I honestly know better than this behavior, but "love is blind." I accidently got pregnant and lost the baby. He left me to go back and give her a second chance right before I had to go into the hospital. He cried and cried but had to give her another try. It wasn't long before he was calling me everyday crying. He moved out and got his own apartment and I was always on the side lines. One weekend he'd asked me to drop off his phone charger for the weekend. His wife was stalking us and busted through the door and threw a candle against the back of my head and split my head open. She chased me outside and I was bleeding everywhere. Her comment was that she was glad she'd hurt me and know I knew how it felt. He came back to my house and didn't really seem to care about my head only about himself and cried at what he'd caused. The next day he left me to go back to his apartment so he could get his thoughts together. Never mind me and how I felt. He'd yelled at me for taking a pain killer and mixing it with wine and just yelled and yelled. I told him to get out of my house. He calmed down and I then stated that he was either there to support me or not. He left the next day and a short while later went back home. The entire time we were together we'd talked about marriage and being a couple forever. His parting words were that he was never going to leave his wife. I think he was just trying to "teach her a lesson." Or his escape plan failed and so he's now on the hunt for another victim.
How could I be so ignorant? I'm a very loving person who always tries to see the best in people, so it's hard for me to relate to someone who thinks of people as objects and property. Are all these people that I just mentioned sociopaths? How did this happen? I am learning a lot and hoping to better protect myself from users and abusers. Before reading this blog, I'd thought it was a choice and am learning that it's not. Suggestions? Thanks for taking the time to read.
Thanks to those who commented. I love my son no matter what, and want him to have the best life he is capable of.
This is to Lisa. I too knew someone married to a SP. It has taken almost two years, but this person is now beginning the process of divorce. This is what I did to help this person: At first I sympathized with her. I encouraged her to talk with her spouse on how to make her marriage better. I told her I did not want her to get a divorce but would support her on whatever decision she wanted to make. It is VERY important you gain her trust. I told her I looked upon our conversations as her way to vent and organize her thoughts. She began to call me more often and confide in me. Meanwhile, I am documenting and doing internet searches on criminal, civil, business cooporations, etc. I put the info aside knowing there will come a day she will need to know this. DO NOT tell her you are doing these background checks. As our converstions went on, I found opportunities to ask her logical questions about her spouse's behaviour. (This is where you have to start approaching her with logical questions, not accusing but with an attitude of "I am not very smart, how can he do this and not get caught?" type innocent attitude.) You need to keep emotions out of it and it will help her to start thinking logically. Do Not tell her all the bad things he has done and how it has effected you. This will only make her angry, feel dumb that she got involved with the SP in the first place AND make her feel guilty. Please tread carefully, as SP's control and manipulate their spouses beyond belief. I always gave my friend options, told her I would suppport her. I ALWAYS told her she was smart and knew to follow her brain and not her heart. I encourage her to make her own decisions. Eventually I could tell her that her SP husband was not dealing with reality and she was the sane one but because she had been living an abnormal life for so many years, she got sucked into this abnormal way of living and it was hard for her to know what normal was. I constantly told her it was not her fault, she was a victim of circumstance and was brought along for the "ride" Our conversations today are about what a "looney tune" her soon to be ex is. He still gives her grief but she is no longer living with him and is gathering info for divorce. All this took 2 years to get her to this point. Another hard struggle for her was the change in her lifestyle. She went from 6 figure lifestyle, down to food stamps, living with a relative etc. I kept encouraging her as best I could by the "it won't be like this forever", "better to be alone and happy than miserable with another," and always, "I admire you for taking charge of your life."
Your daughter needs lots of encouragement and self confidence. Her self esteem is totally gone and you need to help her rebuild it. Call her or write and tell her you are sorry for your over reaction to her spouse, that you want her to be happy in her marriage, that you should have had more trust in her decision to stay with him. Say whatever you have to say to get back in touch with her even if you have to lie. It's going to be hard for you as you didn't handle all this well from the get go. You need to get back to square one and begin all over again. Do not start off by asking personal questions about her marriage or spouse. As she begins to bring things up, think before you speak. Speak with logic, not emotions. Sympathize, do not accuse or rail against her spouse. Let her do the talking. Get on her side completely before talking about options she has before her. Always let her know the ball is in her court and you have enough faith in her that she will do what is right for herself. Eventually, (but remember it took me over a year) I was able to tell her hard facts of what her spouse was doing and had done. So, BE PATIENT! Your daughter's spouse has been manipulating and controlling her for years. You don't want to replace him and become her manipulator and controller. Just think and ask logical questions and leave your emotions out of it.
Hope this helps. You have grandchildren which makes it much rougher.
(Mark)
Reading all of this has been very insightful. But one thing that I'm curious to know is why none of these "SP's" or gifted people don't work together to further their goals. Do they simply lack the capacity to deal with one another? Being intellectuals, wouldn't they see the advantage of grouping together? From my personal experiences and research I've come to the conclusion that they do not simply because it is hard to find others.
Another question
I've started to notice that every SP I've dealt with sees the normal people around them as insurmountably inferior to themselves? To the point of dehumanization of people, turning them into objects and tools for use. But then wouldn't that cause the people to turn into boring victims and therefore become more of a nuisance than a form of entertainment. Do you think that one day they might to seek to overthrow the current society and replace it with their own version of society? Or are they so unaffected enough that wouldn't seek to try and change anything.
I'm just trying to think of the possibilities...
SP's don't work together with anyone. It's totally about control and using people to make their own lives better. SP's look out only for themselves. If they worked together, the struggle would turn into "who could control who" and the goal would be lost in the turmoil. It's not that the SP I know keep victims close for entertainment. He only kept those close to get what he could out of them. With us it was money. With his wife it is money, maid service, transportation etc. We physically got away from him (had to as he stole our credit card number at restaraunt) and he has no use for us now. Thank God! In my opinion, SP's only think they are gifted and highly intellectual. The one I know is not these things. For instance, he buys things or plans things on a whim. Only after the fact does he try to figure out how to pay. He lies to the people he owes and stalls them. For instance, he would put a bandage on his arm and tell them he was at the emergency room or hospital and could not deliver payment for a few days. And since he was out of work, he couldn't come up with the money. This would usually buy him 2 weeks. You would not believe how many people kept giving him time because they were in the situation of do I re-sale, evict, etc.? (whatever the circumstance) These victims didn't want to pay even more money or use up more time to relist items.
This is Lisa to Adam. What kind of information should I try to get to her? Definitions of a Sociopath or what? Please help. Should I be subtle or straight up. She will not answer the phone when I call, either cell or home. I could try sending a text message but what would I say.
(Bell) Here's the answer to the riddle I posted last week:
"She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again."
The one person who answered was correct except for the part about the guy being the funeral director. If he was the funeral director, the woman would have known how to find him. And if he was, it would have given certainty to his showing up, but SP's would not need such certain justification in order to guess why she committed a murder. So, congratulations, you're not an SP and you sure are smart.
Lisa,
Give her any information you think would help her come to grips with her situation. Let her know what you've been finding out about sociopaths. You should be sincere and honest. Tell her why it is important to you that she hear you out. Don't try to tell her what to do. Tell her what you've learned, tell her about sources of information (books, web sites). You can leave her messages on her phone, and text messages, and send stuff through snail mail. If I was you, I'd send her a couple books. You can have them sent directly from Amazon.
Ask her to look at the information and make up her mind. Don't worry about convincing her immediately. This is a big pill to swallow and trying to force it down her throat will cause her to gag and resist. Make the information available, tell her what you know, and then let it soak in. Give her time to process it.
If she learns what a sociopath is, and what sociopaths do, she will be presented with a continual supply of real-life examples, and at some point she will hopefully "get it."
Good luck to you. Never give up. When you feel discouraged, undemoralize yourself.
Adam, I have to disagree with you on telling Lisa to send her daughter books on sociopathy. Her daughter will see these books, show them to her husband and all hell will break loose. Her husband will say "So now your mother thinks she is a Dr. and you would be stupid enough to believe her?" That one demeaning remark will cause the daughter to cower and then get mad at mom all over again. I've seen this happen. Wives of sociopaths are the most controlled, manipulated women there are. At best they are relieved to find out why the husband acts this way (it has a label) and therefore believe this can be "fixed" through counseling.
That's a real possibility, Bee. I appreciate your insight. I like the coaching you gave Lisa earlier (June 28th). And you might very well have nailed the most important thing Lisa could get across to her daughter: That if her husband is a sociopath, his problem cannot be fixed through counseling.
(MT) Is it accurate that there is a continuum of sociopathy? I read on a web site that BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) was right below Sociopath (aka Anti Social Disorder.) I'm curious because I am a diagnosed Borderline and think perhaps I lean a little heavy towards Sociopathic tendancies at times and would probably have been diagnosed differently if I shared everything going on inside. Can anyone shed some professional insight on the continuum if it exists?
This is Lisa. I have not been able to get through to my daughter at all and now her husband has been having my 17 year old grandson come to their house and spend time with them. It is like it is a game to try and either win him over or keep him away from me. I do not want him around him at all. What can I do?
Lisa, when you say you can't get through to your daughter, do you mean you can't speak to her at all or she is not listening to what you say? Unfortunately in regards to your 17 year old grandson you cannot keep him away from your daughter's husband. It is a game with your son-in-law. Please keep in mind that since you are armed with the info on what your son-in-law is, you can use this info to your advantage. My advice would be DO NOT confront your grandson about his step-father? or father? Do not say anything bad about this man to anyone who has a relationship with him. They will not see what you see as SP's are very charming. SP's deliberately work on others to gain control and trust so they can use people to their advantage. Until an SP hurts a person, that person will only look at you as you are the problem not the SP. Your grandson may be the perfect vehicle to gain access to your daughter. When opportunities arise, let your grandson know how much you love his mom, that you miss her, that you want to put past mistakes you have made behind you and you want her to forgive you. Say ANYTHING and lie if you have to in order to get your daughter back into communication with you. Don't inundate all this on your grandson at one time. Rather non-chalantly mention how you would like your daughter to forgive you. Hide your emotions and think logically. Unfortunately, emotions can really cause people to act first and think later. When dealing with SP's you always have to think first.
This is to Bell from Lisa..
My 17 year old grandson is my youngest daughter's son who has lived with me since he was born. The sociopath I am talking about is his uncle. The uncle has taken him to ballgames and has now bought a boat and wants to take him fishing. He dearly loves his aunt but I simply do no want him around this man. I want tell my grandson so badly what this man is doing and what this man is but I know that he would not believe me.
Bell when I say I cant get through to my daughter I mean she will not answer the phone, email or a text message from me so I went to her house because I knew he would not be there and she began to tell me what all he had said I did told me to get out and never come back. I have not been back. As I have said before he is being investigated by law enforcment and not local or county. I do not know if he knows about this yet but I was interviewed twice for an hour each time about him. I just dont know what to do?
Lisa, you are correct in saying your grandson would not believe you about his uncle. Have enough faith in your relationship with your grandson that no one can come between you guys. If the subject is ever brought up, take the attitude of "my feelings are hurt, I don't know why my son-in-law hates me." This might cause people to wonder why there is so much discord between you and him. You have to be the nice guy here because one day all of his antics will come out in the open.
His being investigated is the best thing that could happen. Hopefully this will push everything to a head a lot quicker. Your hands are really tied right now. With the experience I had, everyone backed off from the situation and left the SP and his wife alone. Well, the wife missed her family terribly and after about 2 months, they started speaking again. I don't know how often you try to talk to your daughter, or the last time you went over to her house but you might leave her alone for a few months. She may be choosing her husband and life over you for right now....but that could change. Maybe your daughter sees you as the trouble in her marriage. But if you were to leave her alone, and her marriage did not improve, this might make her realize you are not the problem.
The only reason I got the person I know away from her SP husband is because I was supportive and nice. I NEVER talked bad about her husband. I had to win her over and try to bring her into reality. Spouse's of SP's are trapped in an insane world. SP's twist and spin words so much, the spouse has a hard time determining truth from fiction, logical from insane. The spouse will believe they are married to the smartest person in the world. That is how good SP's are. And spouses are also very scared of the SP they are married too. Just today I had to reassure my friend that her husband is twisting words. She is not stupid or crazy. It's him trying to manipulate.
Are their friends, co-workers or family your son-in-law was once close to but they no longer speak? I contacted such people that fell out of grace with my SP. It turns out, he had wreaked devestation on everyone of them. Stole hundreds of thousands of dollars. Unfortunately, the attorney general was not interested in prosecuting as the theft added up to a little less than 2 million and it would take an extensive investigation. As the premise for some of this stolen money was a real estate investment and they would have to investigate to make sure it wasn't a business deal gone bad. Never mind none of the money bought so much as one brick. The state simply did not have it in the budget. So my SP is still out there hitting Craigs list for "Hard money Loans", meeting girls thru facebook etc, networking as many investors as he can meet and picking up "loans" (a couple of thousand here and there) This man has not had a paycheck since 2003. Now he is living with a guy he hasn't seen in 14 years and whoa...he just "happened" to run into him one day after being homeless from the night before.
It's so important you know who you are dealing with and what they are capable of. Your daughter is under his influence and until he does something to expose hisself, there is little you can do but be there for you daughter when all hell breaks loose.
I understand this website being a place for people to question and receive help regarding sociopathy but I find it so puzzling that so many of you bloggers on this site evidently view yourselves as people who possess the ability to comprehend a sociopath; a person with a completely different thought process and way of living life than that of your own.
If a sociopath cannot understand your way of thinking then what makes you think that you can understand theirs? As humans, we can only judge the world around us based on the things that we have learned and the ideas that we have accumulated throughout our lives. When we come across something unfamiliar to us, we put the pieces together in the best way we can based on the principles and ideas that we are already familiar with. It would be utterly impossible to judge the world based on things that we do not know. That's what ignorant people are for.
With that said, how can all of you sit there and act like you know what goes through a sociopath's head? How can you all sit there and act like you honestly understand? Because the fact of the matter is: you don't. And guess what? You never will because YOU ARE NOT A SOCIOPATH. You do not have antisocial personality disorder. You are merely a witness of a syndrome that you will never fully comprehend.
And also, another thing I noticed: there are a ton of posts saying: "I know a sociopath!" or "I was manipulated by a sociopath" or "This person is definitely sociopathic." I'll refresh something that most of you already know: most sociopaths are excellent liars,manipulators, and actors. Although they do not feel emotion the way that you do, they can certainly mimic it and can do so flawlessly. All you need is observational skills and some kind of intellect and you're all set.
An excellent liar/actor + non sociopathic person who does not harm people themselves and therefore does expect it = UNDETECTED damage.
A lot of you list people in your lives who have done positively dreadful things that you or another person detected. A sociopath does not feel things the way most people do so he or she is required to deceit others as a means of living the closest thing to a "normal" life that he or she can. This deceitful behavior is second nature to them; lying to others in order to create a believable image is done automatically. Not only are they immaculate at fooling people but most of the time they are really not out to get you! A sociopath does not sympathize and care about other people; they do not feel the slightest bit of emotion towards them because they themselves do not have those same emotions. So why would they go out of their way, and waste time out of their lives to trigger the emotions in a person that they don't even understand? A sociopath has no conscience, meaning they do not have a filter in their head to stop them from saying and doing what they feel like. They do as they please and that they do not question the things they do. Personally, I think that the people who make this huge elaborate game plan and take tons of time out of their lives to do things to other people (including plotting and acting out ways to make their lives a living hell) are not true sociopaths. They obviously have problems but really, all they are in the end are just losers with bad intentions and nothing better to do.
Again; a sociopath is a person who cannot empathize with others. He or she does not truly care about other people and does not even know how to do so. It goes even beyond not caring. It's complete indifference. If the person they were talking to fell off the earth, a sociopath would hardly recognize it unless they depended on that person for something. Then it's just like losing something that simply made their lives easier. So why, unless it's totally necessary, would a sociopath actually take a portion of time out their lives to waste on a person who means absolutely nothing to them? They wouldn't. Those people are just a waste of their time. To a sociopath, they just don't matter. In fact, they might as well not even exist. It's as simple as that.
(continued)
I'd like to make an edit. I said the only time a sociopath would do something to another person is if it is totally necessary but that's not really true. Sheer boredom can definitely make a sociopath do something to another person but even so, I do not believe that all do so with intentions to harm the other person; they're just really bored and need some stimulation that they are unable to obtain the way a person who is not sociopathic would.
I don't think anyone does comprehend what a sp is thinking. After all, who can really comprehend a person who has no conscience? I just know that SP's will use anyone around him for his own personal gain. He doesn't care who it is, all he cares about is satisfying his own needs. Unfortunately, those "needs" involve hurting someone. They will waste time on those that "exist" in order to get something from them. But if they cannot get it, they will promptly drop that person and trash that person's reputation for not cooperating.
Most recent Anonymous,
You seem to be criticizing people for trying to understand sociopaths. But the point of all this conversation is to get a handle on something that ruins peoples' lives. It's not a merely intellectual or philosophical pursuit. People who are in a relationship with someone who lies and manipulates and has no empathy is a serious situation and it's confusing and gut-wrenching. Any understanding that will help someone in that situation is welcome. Anything that will help someone protect herself or himself from a sociopath is a welcome relief.
Many people who comment on this site, do in fact understand sociopaths pretty well. In fact, you seem to have a pretty good handle on them yourself. Even if someone has a difficult time fathoming what it might feel like to be a sociopath, that doesn't mean he or she can't figure out what a sociopath is likely to do in a given situation. We may not be able to understand what a wolf feels, but we may be able to understand enough about wolf behavior to predict some of it.
For someone dealing with a sociopath at close range, being able to predict some of the sociopath's behavior is way better than being confused.
There are a variety of reasons besides being a sociopath that can explain why someone lacks empathy (or is selfish to the point where they repeatedly inflict damage). You might want to also read info on personality disorders in general http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorders All the disorders in Cluster B and not just antisocial/sociopath may ring somewhat true to both the weak and the powerful who are posting here. If the person is a true sociopath however I fully agree that: "...there is only one solution for dealing with a sociopath: Get him or her completely out of your life for good." Although you may not want to hear it (especially if it's a family member), the only thing you will get by not heeding that advice is more damage.
Adam,
My intention was really not to criticize anyone. I think it was just that I came across posts that seemed condescending to me. But after I posted, I went back to read other comments and most of them were very nice. Actually, when I went back to read other comments, I noticed that mine was probably one of the most condescending. Sorry about that. I didn't mean to offend.
I do have a question for you (or anybody) though. Do you think that it is possible for a sociopath (on any level) to care what a person thinks about them?
And also, do you think it's possible for there to be sociopaths who do not try to harm others? The way I see it, there must be some people who are not empathetic towards others whatsoever and feel no guilt or remorse yet choose not to do things to people because they do not care enough about them. And if anything, they will only do so if it is totally necessary to them. I read one of Eric's posts and he said that there are different levels of sociopaths with differing wants and needs. A sociopath who has a lust for blood may kill, a sociopath who has an envious nature may target those whom he or she is jealous of, etc. Is it possible, however, for there to be people who are sociopathic who do not have those types of characteristics and therefore do not really target others very much?
Do you think there may be sociopaths who see that they're different and know that they do not connect with others yet try really hard to blend in and because of this, attempt to do nice things for people so that nobody will discover the way they really are?
What do you think?
(Bell) This is written in response to Anonymous above who criticized us for trying to understand sociopaths, then went on to analyze them himself.
I have observed that all SP’s share basic characteristics and have come to the conclusion that sociopathy is a whole syndrome or constellation of behaviors. Others may disagree with me on this, but I feel that SP’s cannot change/improve any more than a mentally-retarded person can. Consider the different types of mental retardation and how all affected individuals share traits. For instance, those with Down syndrome are sweet and loving. All of them. Dyslexia runs in my family and I’ve noted similarities there as well. Then there are myriad mental disorders such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, etc, all producing their own particular behavioral abnormalities. The specifics don’t matter when the fact is that ALL SP’s share common traits at the baseline level and can therefore be understood, and even predictably so. One doesn’t have to experience selfishness, for example, in order to understand it and know the behavior it will produce. Sociopathy is a serious brain dysfunction which renders its victims void of all sense of connection to others, but it is a disease which loves itself. I could probably make a list of a hundred traits they all share, and they consider themselves free??? They don’t think they have a problem because they ARE the problem. Everywhere they go, they are the problem.
I’m getting off the track. The point I wanted to make is just that SP’s are not difficult to understand after all. The difficult part for normal people is BELIEVING THEY EXIST. If you look back on this very web site, you will find many examples of people who just can’t believe it.
Yes, Anonymous, I think for utilitarian reasons, sociopaths may care what others think of them. If they are respected or admired, they gain a kind of personal power over people. If they are trusted, they gain access and influence. Etc.
And yes, I think it is possible for a sociopath to try not to harm others. I am just guessing about both of these answers. Would anyone else care to answer these two questions?
Thanks for your response to my questions, Adam :)
It was you who wrote the article on sociopaths, yes?
(same anonymous)
actually, ignore the question I asked above. I looked at your profile and realized it was you who wrote the article. It was very good and helpful!
And by the way, it's really nice that even though you've had so much stuff published and work on a bunch of things that you still have time to answer people's questions on this blog.
Thanks again. :)
You're welcome, Anonymous. Yes, I wrote the article.
Are you dealing with someone you think might be a sociopath? Or have you in the past?
I've often wondered why its so difficult for people just to be nice to each other. It's no small wonder why it is. There are the narcissists, socipaths, and psychopaths - wolves in sheep's clothing - cutting a swathe of chaos and destruction, screwing up everything and everybody they come in contact with. There are people who are ignorant of these personality types and blame the victims for being victimized thereby further abusing them. There are victims that learn not to be victimized and often are perceived as the personality type that has victimized them. There are victims who have been portrayed by these personality types as the abuser and their portrayal is believed thereby causing the victim to endure the punishment their abuser deserves, more abuse heaped on their current abuse. There are people who side with the abuser because of fear of the abuser's retaliation thereby faciliating the abuser continuing to abuse. There's a whole lot of talk now about abuse but nobody knows how to stop it except those of these personality types who perceive abuse as a "cash cow". What a mess! Hard to be nice when its hard to know who to trust and who not to trust. No wonder its difficult for people to be nice to each other!
What angers me is there's a whole lot of information about abusive personalities but no concrete solution(s) except leave him/her. That's like giving a starving person with no teeth a steak. Stop with the steak! Feed the person what they can eat and when they regain their strength give them teeth and then give them steak. Do you get the analogy? To use an old adage, you're putting the cart before the horse.
If you had some compassion, you'd see that supplying information about the problems/effects/traits generated by those with an abusive personality without concrete solution except one (leave him/her) only generates more feelings of powerlessness, feelings of victimization. People do leave. Those that do are OFTEN MURDERED. At the very least, THEY ARE HARASSED AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSED FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE.
As such, I come to the following conclusion: Those who supply this information are of the same personality type(s). Be quiet! I'm not interested in hearing about the past but future resolution!
That is an interesting question about whether or not SPs cared what others thought of them. I didn't believe the SP I knew cared about what anyone thought of him. However, the more I got into his life and what he was doing....the more I spoke with people he hurt....and then when word got around to him of what I was saying, and the names I called him....he threw a fit. I was really surprised at his response. I always thought he would just flick me off like a fly but that has not been the case. He is trying to get people to turn against me and it's driving him crazy that it's not happening. One person did suggest he call me and talk to me himself but he backed off really fast. I honestly thought he would call and told others to have him call me. I know he doesn't care what I think of him, he's just bothered by me talking about him because everyone is so cautious of him now.
When I was in high school, I dated someone who was a few years older than me. He was so charming and so many girls liked him and I felt very special that he took interest in me. I didn't really know at the time that being young and naive made me a good target. He had a horrible childhood and was really into drugs before we met and had restraining orders that I didn't know about which had to do with statutory rape charges and harassing his ex's parents. He was the most manipulative person I have ever encountered, although at the time I didn't know what was going on. I still cannot understand how he was able to do the things he did to somebody who was so innocent and vulnerable.
When I finally broke up with him, he attempted to commit suicide which wouldn't seem like a sociopathic thing to do but who knows maybe he lied about it. After the break up, I was totally distraught. He would still call me all of the time and say things like: "I guess I was kind of an asshole but you did things to me too" He'd act like all of the things he did and said to me were no big deal. I couldn't even remember parts of the relationship because it was so traumatizing and there I was, thinking that I was crazy because of his nonchalance. Even now, I still question myself and wonder if I imagined things that never happened. At first I thought he knew what he had done and knew how terrible he was but I think I realized after a while that he thought all of his actions were completely justified. I was too young to realize that he may have had a very serious problem and instead I blamed myself and had a breakdown and after that episode, I became totally desensitized. For the longest time, I thought that he rubbed off on me and was scared that I was becoming like him but it's finally getting better now.
What made you interested in learning about sociopaths and helping others deal with them?
Are there any online quizzes available to test for sociopaths?
well I think it's spot on. I have a neighbor who became a friend, who became a customer who has become a lost friend who owes me a lot of money.
I only want to get the rest of the money owed and then I'm going to drop this person from the list of negative things in my life.
At times jaw dropping behavior has lead me to ask how can a person be so heartless. I enjoyed reading this and it has confirmed that I would be a fool to try and salvage our friendship. My heart tells me I should but in my mind I know better.
I became interested in sociopaths when someone close to me was being tormented by a member of her family. Often my first response to problems is to read about them.
In my reading I discovered the existence of "everyday sociopaths." I was surprised. I had no idea.
After I wrote the article, so many people wrote to me with their sad stories, it made me want to help them.
I just learned about this site and I need some advice. I diagnosed my ex as having Axis II Narsisstic Personality Disorder. However, he also fits some of the description of a sociopath but not all of it. My question involves advice about my two sons. My ex makes over 10 grand a month but will not help my sons with their college expenses and is very stingy with his money in other areas unless it involves something he also wants to do such as go to Hawaii or Italy. He is putting a great deal of pressure on them to work to pay for their college. I am not against working to help pay for college, but my older son is getting extremely stressed out because he is not making the money he needs to in this economy. Both my sons seem to have an functioning relationship with their dad. Their dad plays games with them and, of course, has to win. But my boys enjoy the games and so far do not seem to be hurt by them. However, I am worried about the relationship and how much damage he is doing to my sons without their knowledge. My ex is continually trying to hurt me through my sons. Such as not letting them see me when they want to but it is not their scheduled time or taking them on a vacation at Christmas. They are older now, but I am concerned about how much psychological abuse is going on without their ability to recognize it. My ex will cave under pressure at times, but is he doing it to manipulate later? What can I do to protect my sons who seem to not realize that their father is sick.
I've been wondering for a while if my boyfriend of 2 years is a sociopath. He has a history of being with several girls before me, cheating on them and has children with some of them. He has 3 kids, but he's only met one of them (who he takes care of 50% of the time) - he wants nothing to do with the other two. He's very controlling and believes that he is more intelligent than most and if anyone disagrees with his beliefs or opinion, he is unintelligent. He constantly belittles me and makes me feel inferior if my opinion is different than his, but he also insist that I have my own opinion. He was sent to jail for a year for drug dealing in college, and he constantly blames everyone else for his failures. He regularly comments during arguments that he cannot trust anyone and he is content being alone or with strangers more so than with me or his friends. He tells me he loves me, but after reading some of the posts, I'm afraid he's doing it because he thinks that's what I need to hear, and he wants to control me. I've loaned him quite a bit of money, and he convinced me to loan it to him. He gets very angry over insignificant issues (like me disagreeing with him on what color walls I should paint in the kitchen), at least it appears to me that he's angry, and then he just shuts down his emotions and doesn't talk to me for hours, days, and now it's gotten to be a week or more at a time. At this point, he just sulks - he's not happy or sad, he just wants to be alone with no interaction from anyone. He's mentioned to me on several instances that he has sociopath behavior, and he would never talk to a professional because he doesn't need to change and he likes the person he is, good or bad. I hope he really is capable of love and other emotions, but he's indicated that he's good at faking things and h has the ability to shut down his emotions so he feels nothing. Any insight is greatly appreciated!!
To the girl with the SP boyfriend of 2 years: Run! End this relationship now. I know it's easier said than done but if you stay with him, your future will be filled with turmoil and tears. I am 100% sure it's not the color of the kitchen but how much he wants to control you. Please look into yourself and ask yourself: Do I love him as he is or do I love him for what I wish he could be? Most importantly, If he loved you, he would not treat you like this. Be logical. Think with your head and not with your heart.
To the mom with two sons: Raising kids with a SP is difficult. Your sons are probably already aware of their dad's tendency to take care of himself first and them last. They may believe their dad is doing this to help them become a responsible adult and not expect hand outs. If they have a good relationship with their dad, then there is little you can do. However, I would try to give your sons control over their own lives as much as possible. (I don't know their age) Engage them in conversation on decisions they have to make. Make suggestions and present options, let them choose what they want to do. Maybe, this will counter act your husband's control over them. Discuss college with your son. Help him check out scholarships,
grants, loans. Present all options to him in order to help him get to college. Have him speak with a counselor at the college. Let him know you support him and will help him figure it out. Both boys will realize what a parent should be versus what a parent only wants to be. If you are a good example of a parent, they will gravitate toward that.
Bee, that is a GREAT question for her to ask herself: "Do I love him as he is or do I love him for what I wish he could be?"
I believe my husband (or should I say ex-husband) is a sociopath. I have tried in vain for years to make sense of his behavior. We were married for 27 years and I finally had enough and left the house without anything to take along with me. He had at least two affairs with friends of mine over the course of our marriage (possbilby more). He lies easily and without any remorse. When he would get caught he would apologize and make all sorts of promises to change, leave cards, etc., only to repeat the negative behavior over and over again. He had a lucrative business which he ran to the ground. He has gone through hundreds of thousands of dollars (where the money has gone I do not know). He keeps saying that he does not get paid from his customers. How long and for how many years do customers not pay. We have remortgaged our home countless times. He would use my credit cards without my knowledge, take the mail from the mail carrier before it was delivered at home, use a dummy checkbook balance in the business checkbook so I would not know the true balance, owe countless people money,deliberately ignore the bills, including the IRS. The IRS has now put a lien on me for his debt. He has used his adult children and their credit as well. Throughout all of this, there are always excuses and it is always someone else's fault. He can be very charming and friendly and if I suggested he was a possible sociopath, some people would think I was the crazy one. For years, he had me believe I was in fact the crazy one. He is a master at manipulation and after all I have been through, I feel sorry for him. So, I guess I am the crazy one!!! All I want is an explanation as to his behavior. Why would anyone act like this? How could someone bring an entire family down and show no real remorse?? I don't understand. I am separated for three years and still he has control over me. Can anyone give me some insite into this behavior??
rgullo: I too wanted an explanation how the SP in my life could do the things he did. Of course I didn't know he was a sociopath but when I did find info on sociopath's, it all made sense. So...that is your explanation on how he could do the things he did. Your husband is a sociopath. There is nothing you can do to change his behavior. There is no cure. Divorce him as quickly as you can and have no contact with him. Get out from under his control. He would have done this to anyone he would have been married to. It wasn't you personally he went after. You just happened to be his wife and was along for the ride. Your husband sounds exactly like the SP I know. Do not try to understand him but rather accept him for what he is and protect yourself. Unfortunately, his actions will have long lasting effects on you (IRS) but hopefully you can protect yourself from future damage he will do.
Bee - thanks for your insight (I'm the one with a boyfriend who may be a SP of two years). I know I should let go. Everytime I feel like I've had enough and I'm ready to be 100% done with the relationship, my boyfriend does something amazingly nice for me and becomes the guy I fell in love with- maybe he's acting, or maybe I'm just paranoid....he WAS in jail for a year, and I'm sure that caused a lot of pschycological issues. Is there a way we can test if someone is a SP without them finding out? Is there such thing as someone who is just slightly sociopathic or has some sociopathic tendencies, but still has the ability to love and maybe get better? I'm not interested in being the niave, gullible girlfriend, but I don't want to make false determinations if he actually isn't a SP. My experiences with my boyfriend aren't anywhere near as bad as some of the posts I've read - so maybe he's just slightly - or he just has a very controlling personality??
I was wondering about something. How would a sociopath treat another sociopath close to him/her, like a family member?
Most Recent Anonymous,
That's an interesting question. I would imagine the sociopath would have a more difficult time fooling another sociopath. It would be much easier to take advantage of people who don't know everyday sociopaths exist. So probably sociopaths would leave each other alone, not out of any feeling of affection, but more as a practical decision.
Question:
Ex husband fits this description- i couldn't have written it better. we are fighting to save my son from a lifetime of his abuse; considering having an independent psych eval but afraid he will 'pass with flying colors' b/c he is SO good at manipulating / lying. what should we do?
To the boyfriend of 2 years: I'm sure he does become that "wonderful" guy when he realizes he has pushed you to your limit and you think you want out. And in all fairness, it's probably not only sociopaths that do this but the difference is if his bad behavior and good behavior become a pattern that is repeated over and over again. I don't know if your boyfriend is a sociopath. You need to look up the criteria for behavior of sociopaths. You say he has cheated on previous girlfriends, borrowed money, believes he is more intelligent, belittles, blames others etc. These are all indications of sociopathic behavior. He actually falls under all the criteria. Especially the one where you say he "shuts down" and he himself admits to sociopathic tendencies.
The person I know was involved with a SP for years. It really got to where she did not know what normal was. Living with a sociopath really messes with one's right from wrong and plain old common sense. If you were an outsider watching your friend have the kind of relationship with her boyfriend that you have, there would be no question in your mind she would need to leave the relationship. You get sucked into the lies, deceit, and the terrible ways he treats you. It is not your fault! To me it is like slow brainwashing. I have a feeling, that you have had some bad incidents with your boyfriend, but you have excused it and thought to yourself, well at least it wasn't as bad as the last time when he treated me badly. If he is not learning from his mistakes and he keeps repeating them in some form, then you will have a long miserable road ahead. And his behavior will only get worse. There is no cure for a sociopath. They have no conscience and can not develop one later on in life. It is impossible. They can mimic but when push comes to shove, the sociopath will choose himself, his wants, his needs over everything else.
I don't get the need for sociopaths to "mess" with someone just for the sake of "winning" I'm seeing it right now with the SP I know. I don't know if there is an ulterior motive or if he just wants to see if he still has control over his ex. I'm starting to think, he is just furious with her (of course he doesn't show it, as he is calm and condescending when he talks to her)and is wanting to make her life miserable for "payback" because she will not go back to him.
(From the boyfriend of 2 years) Bee! Thank you SO MUCH for your advice- I first started researching pschycopathic behavior about 6 months ago, never realizing what common sociopaths are. I'm trying to disconnect myself from my SP boyfriend, and now that I am somewhat certain he is a sociopath (he has most of the characteristics, although I have yet to see them at the same extreme others have written about), I'm patiently analyzing and plotting to get out of the relationship with the least amount of damage to both of us.....I haven't told my boyfriend of my suspicions or that I've been doing any research, but it's uncanny how smart and perceptive he is of everyone and he knows something is up. He knows exactly how to get away with just about anything and usually knows I'm uncomfortable about something before he does. Even though I'm skeptical and making sure I protect myself, I'm still holding on to a little hope - it's disheartening to think that he's actually faking his emotions. What a sad way to live life - not being able to truly love someone, or feel empathy? I guess sociopaths don't even know what that means...I wouldn't trade anything for my feelings! My heart is broken for him :( It's really depressing that he has to live his life never knowing what it's like to be in love or to love and care about someone else. I hope one day, for his sake, someone can find a cure.....
To "ex-husband who fits the description" I understand the boat you are in. There is children involved in my situation also. From all I have learned, sociopath's are able to lie and "beat" the psych evaluation. From what I have read, Dr's do not like to treat sociopaths because of the lying and deceit. And because sociopaths do not think anything is wrong with them and they are perfectly okay as they are, there is little Dr.'s can do.
But I've often wondered. If a qualified Dr. in sociopathy interviewed the child, would the child give insight to the effects his sociopathic parent had on him? Could the child give information on the parental effect leading the professional to believe the parent is a sociopath? Perhaps a court ordered psych eval. on the parent may back up this issue.
Good resource thank you. I posted some of my experiences with an extreme sociopath who was the killer and has a single minded focus on destroying anybody who gets in her way. You can read about it if you click my comment title. Alternatively, here is the link:
http://www.rexxfield.com/define-sociopath-what-is-a-psychopath.php
I believe that my ex-husband may be a sociopath. He exhibits many, if not all, of the traits described in your article. We have joint physical custody of our children. I do have concerns about the welfare of my children, although he does appear to love them and treats them fairly well. What should I be concerned about with his interactions with the children?
I am sitting here floored and want to thank you so much for the writing you have done on this subject. I think i finally FINALLY understand my mother now. I couldn't imagine how a woman could have a children and act loving but yet never seemed to get love truly across. I have always told people that i never thought my mother could feel love. I believe my grandmother may be the same way, but on a lessor scale. The winning part... my god that made me tear up. I've fought against "letting her win" my entire life. I didn't even know what i meant by it when i was very young, i just knew i didn't want her winning all the time. The games... oh god the games. Every single time she was angry at someone the destruction my mother leaves behind. How can she say and do such things to her children, her parents, her siblings?? HOW? Now, i think i finally get it. All the faked emotions she's spew out at me and knowing they were fake while they successfully (for a short time only) hit their marks in others. How she coudln't keep a friend for more than 6 to 8 months at a time. How every time she had a friend she talked so badly about them. The horrors that woman has inflicted upon me with her verbal abuse... i doubt any mother would say such things when angry that something simple didn't go her way.
nearly 8 years ago she threw herself out of my life in hopes of hurting me worse. It worked, my heart was broken into shards. The things she said to me... how i wasn't anyone that anyone could love, that i wasn't a fit human to walk the earth. I went for some counseling on what to do and knew i had to be the one to "fix" the relationship as i have always been forced to do since i was old enough to talk. She never did anything wrong in her life, she believes she walks around in a good mood her entire life. Now i see that she is probably telling the truth. She enjoys the pain she inflicts, so she probably is in a good mood. She's chosen to be a hypochondriac for the sympathy role as well. Anything she reads she will soon have and soon seek sympathy for it as much as possible. She worked hard to convince her children that the rest of the world was horrid and will hurt you if they can and you must find ways to win at all costs. Looking at many friendships i have had, i think i attract these people right to me. I must be a magnet. I just removed one friend from my life last year and she's still making my life miserable with working to hurt me for daring to kick her out of my life. I took 5 years of that woman before realizing just how bad she was for me, though my own son and husband tried to tell me from the beginning. My life finally makes sense to me. I probably attract them as i was trained to help those types of people at all costs to myself. I don't know how many times my mother had a tantrum if i dared to take time out of my life to spend with my son or husband... it had to always be about her at every moment of every day. While she was having drama at every moment.. most of which were caused by herself.\Thank you thank you for helping me finally make sense of my life. I am going to go get a few books today and see if i can't somehow break the magnet that draws people like this into my life.
I was quite astonished on here to see so many people falling for another SP. The John Smith or Eric... couldn't quite figure out who was who but didn't read enough to care. My question is to those who don't have sp, why are you taking your time to read and get involved in such a stupid game of theirs? Once again, it's time to step back and see that they try to suck you in, try to win the game. The only way to win is if you get sucked in enough to read the whole post and then to actually comment makes them know they didn't just cross the finish line, but did so miles ahead of you.
I can understand that those who were raised with a sociopathic parent may get sucked in more easily, but it's time to stop the cycle. The only way to help them at all is to not play their game with them. They will continue to try and you continue to ignore. You read such a post and you turn away from it and never reply. Without a victim, there isn't a game.
Thank you for this article. I now know that I am not the problem, sociopathy is.
My father was a sociopath, became an alcoholic (to throw us all off of what was really wrong with him) who put his daughters and wife (my mom, his ex) through hell. He committed suicide and did us and this world a big favor.
I ended up marrying a sociopath. I could have saved myself and my son alot of grief if I had read this article then! After being made out as the crazy one, and my ex's infidelity, I left, thank God! Now, the one he cheated with is stuck with him (they're married, poetic justice in my book) however my son still holds out hope for his father even though his father told my son that he doesn't have any rights in his household because my son doesn't suck his @#$%!?! Sad, sick man.
I have hope now because there is an article I can show my son and let him come to his own conclusions about his father in his own time. It was tough for me to come to the same conclusion about my dad. Afterall, he was my dad. I played right into his hand didn't I?
I understand where my son is coming from and won't push the issue, just educate him. My son believes his dad's sociopathic crap (as I did) and thinks I am trying to "discredit" his father. I am - he's a sociopath and dangerous to the mental health of my son! My son will get it one day, soon, I hope, for my son's sake.
To top it off, I met and developed a relationship with another sociopath while going through divorce. I thank God again that I was able to end that relationship.
I just quit a good paying job due to the sociopath that owned the business. I worked for him for 2 years but during the first month noticed he acted just like my ex. I was further freaked out that they were both engineers and their birthdays are days apart. Finally, I couldn't take his demeaning crap anymore and quit. Unemployed, I have been asking myself if I did the right thing. Now I know he was a sociopath just like my exhusband, exboyfriend and father and one of the best things I could have done for myself.
I have always been the first to look within when things aren't working out (jobs, marriage, friendships) to see what role I play in the situation. I have always taken responsibility for the things I could have done wrong or differently. Even though I contributed to these failures, I now know what I was up against and what the other person's role was - to win. Thank you again for empowering me.
Now, after all these people have been purged from my life, I have met a WONDERFUL man that has NONE of the traits described in the article. Thank God, again!! However with all that I have been through at the hands of these people, I have been fearful about him. This article has allowed me to ask the right questions and come up with the answer that he is NOT a sociopath and therefore worthy of my love and life.
when I read the list of a sociopath I answered yes to every one of them about my husband. He lies, has stolen from me, committed adultery, doesnt care when I am sick, didnt seem to care when his own family members would die, blames everyone else for his problems and so on and so on. My own family has seen what he is but I always thought I could change him or help him. I have been afraid of him and my own family swore to me that they were told he took a life insurance policy out on me. Thank god he is in prison now!
I just found this website and think I finally know what's wrong with my sister. No one has ever stood up to her and she has manipulated my parents and grandparents all of her life. then she met and married a man who she manipulated the same way. She always has to win,has to look the best, and has many home equity loans to pay for her designer clothes. My parents and grandparents always bailed her out before the loans. My parents are now in their 80's and just have limited contact with her. I want her out of my life, but knowing my parents may not be here anyday, I just want to keep peace. I DO LIMIT MY CONTACT WITH HER AND DON'T PAY FOR ANYTHING ANYMORE. Any suggestions on how to deal with her when I have to. The lying is just unbeareble and now she drinks too much and pretends she never had a drink the next day?? Help
I'm not sure if I'm 100 percent sociopath. I don't see people as targets or opportunities, but I sure as hell know how to control them. I can get whatever I want, whenever I want. I can't keep a job because I'm constantly around people who I need to change personalities for - i.e. - i get found out too soon. This is why I'm in theatre, I'm an incredible actor. Incredible. The thing is, I'm so much better offstage. I think maybe my sociopathy is rooted due to the fact I have always wanted to be better than everybody else. Always, now I feel that I truly am. I agree with eric on many things, though I feel that he thinks it is "cool" to be a sociopath. Which I do too, but to me its alright that I believe I'm a sexy, cunning, secretive sociopath, because I'm a sociopath. People often flock to me and tell me I have a "presence". I am one of the most charming, fun, and hilarious people you could ever meet. I'm very good at playing the game of "what this person would want to see in another person", and even better at the game of telling people what they want to hear. I can cry, convincingly laugh, and have "serious" talks on command. I often talk to myself in the mirror to see what I look like. I know the perfect angles of my face to show people so I look the most attractive. I can do that thing that most women can do with their eyes, almost hypnotize, however I am a young man. I also look very innocent, I'm 20, but I could pass as young as 16 - which makes it that much easier for me. I was incredibly confused about my image and orientation, which fueled the fire. Now I don't identify with anything because it's that much easier for me to. Because I look so cute, I can get pity easily - especially portraying the "strong-willed, trooper, sexy young college boy", who doesn't want to be pitied. I love scaring people. I love it. I work at a haunted house because there is nothing I enjoy more than scaring the shit out of people that look like they would have made fun of me in high school. I was ugly and unpopular as hell. Now, I'm a regular Zac Efron. I also love being scared. I love horror movies, mainly because I like to watch the reactions of those I'm with. I also love the violence and gore - though I'd never hurt anybody, which leads me to believe that I may not be a sociopath. I also couldn't ever imagine hurting my parents. I do have a few "close" friends - though I recently cut many out of my life - 1 of which was a fellow sociopath. The thing is, my charm never seems superficial - ever. I always know the right thing to say, and I can never get embarrassed because I have nothing to be embarrassed about. When they do try to see if I'm vulnerable, my self-defense mechanisms kick-in on command and I say the most tasteful, witty, sometimes disturbingly cruel things - to shut them up. I have nothing but contempt for humanity - excluding those I love and consider family. I do love. I know that. I was in love with a girl in high school. I love my parents, family, siblings, and a few friends. But that's it - which I suppose is normal for anybody. But then why am I so bent on causing harm, finding it fascinating how people deal with what I throw at them daily? ... I'll check in later ...
Your on the right track with limiting contact with your sister. For the sake of your parents, I agree it is probably best to keep the peace. Since you know she fits the description of a SP then you will know what you're dealing with. Accept her how she is and when she is around you can never let your guard down. Don't take her phone calls unless you are in a strong emotional state and able to deal with her. Thank God for caller ID. I would not argue but keep calls short and make excuses that you have to end the phone call. If she starts complaining about her problems (which I can pretty much guarantee she wants you to bail her out) tell her you are sorry and hope she works things out. Do not offer any suggestions or help as she will see this as a chance to get into your life. Keep up nerves of steel. When she does not get what she wants out of you, the calls will lessen. The lying a SP will do is so outrageous that most people cannot comprehend someone doing this. You can't stop the lying. A SP has to lie just like we have to breathe. They just can't stop. One day you will come to shake your head and laugh at the lies. One day everyone she knows will come to see her how she is.
This is difficult to believe, but I suspect my new boyfriend is a sociopath. We met when I was having a difficult time in a doctoral program, and was recently diagnosed with depression. He was very comforting, and empathetic to me...but still some red flags popped up throughout which made me suspicious. I am now in a new relationships with him based on the very strong emotions enduced by our time together. He is very seductive, charming, and charismatic which at one time made me think he was kind to others/me. But now, I suspect he is more sexually active than he admits. I also notice many of the signs discussed in the articles: narcicism, flattery, impulsive behavior. I am just coming to terms with this, and I myself have a history with abusive men. I had thought this man was different...he had spoken to me about marriage, kids, etc. at such an early stage in the relationship. We just got into a fight last night because I told him to stop. That it was scaring me. He became, for the first time very combative. I thought back about the times he spoke about his ex-wife/girlfriends and seemed to always blame them for the relationships failing.
Any advice on how to come to terms with this discovery? I am very sad because we share friends, he's met me family...everyone seems to love him, and I was very happy with him. I feel good knowing that I am being suspicious at a good, early stage. But I wonder if anyone can offer advice on self-care as I go through this and take the next steps to get out of this relationship. He does not have all of the characteristics of sociopaths (such as being an economic leach, etc.) but I do suspect he is promiscuous.
Thank you,
Sally
To Sally - read the criteria for sociopath's so you will have a better understanding of their behavior. Don't go strictly on what others have written. Whether or not he is a sociopath might be irrelevant here. Go with your female intuition. Never doubt your ability to judge others by using this God given talent. End this relationship instantly. Just matter of fact tell him you want to part and go your own way, without him. Let your family know you suspect him of being promiscuous and cannot ignore that. They will be glad you did not fall victim to this. I do want to note...from what I have seen thru this blog...it seems to me "young" sociopaths (though not harmless) do not usually steal money and scam people. The SP I know did not begin his stealing until he got older (30's) and wanted to "show" others that he was better than them and could afford an expensive lifestyle. He absolutely could not stand that his friends were succeeding in life and "moving up" in economic class. In his view, no one was going to out do him and he went to every means possible to prove he could make the most money, have the nicest cars and go on trips to vegas every week end. Little did anyone realize, he was embezzling from his business partner. It came out, he stole from everyone of us.
Hi there I am reaching out to connect with others about sociopaths. I had an unbelievable experience for a legal matter in which I had a SF law firm aka group of sociopaths, lawyers, white male racist supremicist, sexist, deviants try and destroy me for money and my legal matter Case #RG05210379 Melina Marcano vs. AstraZeneca Pharmaceuticals filed in Alameda Superior Court. The lawyers strategy was to use psychological games of tricks, test, torture, mind games and used my former friends and family members to pull it off. They went so far as to pay folks to abandon me, cough up information, sexual research me, drama, illegal/criminal break ins to my residence, blocking all outreach to police, FBI, CIA, etc. All efforts were to try and drive me crazy, control and destroy me for his/their little penises/egos. It is by far the most evil one can even believe. And, I have more respect than ever for my ancestors and the slavery treatment to them. I experienced this in modern day when I simply went to the sociopaths for help legally. There is no doubt these guys are unbelieveably sick and dangerous. And, violated my human rights with no regard for 2 solid years with such sharp percision one would never ever forget. Stay clear away from these devils. They will do anything to win.
My friend, who i'll call Sue, just told me she's a sociopath. And that her best friend, whose intellect and perception i've tended to admire (but who i'm also semi afraid of), is one as well.
i have always sensed an emotional distance with Sue, a lack of empathy, but didn't know what to make of it, or whether it was just me, so i let it go.
Sue loves to argue and debate. she enjoys dancing verbal and intellectual circles around people, especially those in positions of authority; she has often 'discussed' things with teachers until she got her way...and manipulated her way into some amazing things. It can be quite impressive...until you realize the likelihood of those skills being used on you.
Sue is also easily bored and professes not to have "people thoughts" in the way that i or others do; she doesn't muddy her brain with worries about what other people think or do -- she is not relationship focused. she simply doesn't care. the only time she cares is if something may inconvenience her. and even then, she doesn't really care.
she likes attention for her smarts and sense of humour. she is often the center of attention in a gathering and works to make it that way. she can be charming and affable...and people often think she's wonderful. to all outward appearances she is a doting, loving daughter. she prefers a large crowd of nobody's, like at a live concert or the mall...where she can watch people and where 'emotional' relating is not required. this seems to make her more alive -- for awhile -- until it finally bores and tires her.
she understands that people are emotional but doesn't view emotional as good. the most intense 'emotion' i've experienced with her was out of context -- her anger was fast and fierce – and like a child throwing a tantrum about something I simply couldn’t understand someone being so mad about. she has otherwise exhibited bouts of depression and apathy...mixed in with moments of apparent elation.
she has never had a 'real' job despite pushing 40. she wants children desperately but isn't concerned about how to support them. kids are fun. it'll all work out.
i often feel like i'm being used; i do things to help her, not really expecting anything in return...but what i do get in return is very unemotional in nature and in many ways i'd rather do without it.
she enjoys arguing with me but has been trying to reduce this lately…to make me happy...but has made such a commotion about it that I feel bad ...like there’s something wrong with me for not enjoying arguments... she also encourages me to do things that are in her best interest but not mine...appealing to my emotions and sympathy, knowing i'll cave...
she never apologizes. the closest thing? i'm sorry you're mad. even when she's done something horrible...but fails to perceive it's horribleness...
she seldom says thank you. thank you seems beneath her. but it seems as though she occasionally remembers she's supposed to say it and does; but it pains her...because she doesn't care about the deed done for her.
Sue claims to love 3 people...her mother, her sister, and me. i am doubtful. she knows i don't trust her. she pretends this bothers her...but does it in such a way that i know i'm being manipulated. those times that i choose not to respond or console her or profess my feelings for her, she becomes instantly depressed and moody...thus putting me in the very situation i was trying to avoid...of having to make her happy (and powerful)...
there have been incidents of my being extremely happy about something, her being simultaneously glum/unhappy, of her poking at me until i finally become unhappy... i fight the ‘unhappy’ as best i can, but most often she wins; the second she sees me unhappy, she is all smiles and wants hugs and tells me how wonderful i am... i've called her on this behavior...as it hasn't happened just once or twice...but she says i'm being mean, and telling lies, and casting her in an unfavorable light… that of an ugly monster...and how awful of me to view her in such a horrible way?
i honestly believe that she would be sad if her mother died...but not sad for the reasons a normal person would be. she has become the dependable child since her mother's illness...and while she's attached to her mother, i don't think it's the same attachment most children feel...but i could be wrong...
she has said that she quickly and easily reads people and situations...and knows how to ‘handle’ people. she says she doesn’t waste her time thinking and worrying about other people and relationships; she thinks about how to get things that she wants…
i don't know what the truth is. i have always felt as if something emotional were missing but could never put my finger on it. if she truly is a sociopath – as she claims – it explains some things to me...but i don't know why she would tell me this...is it a test?? a ploy for sympathy? and it leads me to ask: what's in it for her???
I have been legally separated from my partner now for 9 months. We were together for 8 years and during those 8 years, we had two children together. I am well aware of what he is, and fears for the well being of my children. We have joint custody of our children, and I know that although he spent no time with them from birth until our separation, he is now using this opportunity to 'get back at me' for leaving him, taking what he considers to be his money ( which is completely untrue) and for embarrassing him in front of his family. He now wants to see 'those kids' as much as he can so that he can 'Bond" with them. His career is paramount to him because he wants to better his 'friends' at work by having more clients, better clients, more money... never ending entertainment a challenge.
During our relationship I was used, cheated on, lied to, abandoned, and treated like an employee. His inability to tell the truth was astounding. Even when confronted with proof of his lie he would deny it and try to make me doubt myself. When I left him he tried to physically restrain me. I went to my lawyer and asked him what I should do. My lawyer already knew about the incident because his lawyer had called him to tell him that I had misconstrued a hug and that I was over reacting. When I returned home (because my children were still there) he started to tell me what had happened like I wasn’t' even there. He is horrifying.
He had a total inability to sit quietly and relax there had to be constant stimulus i.e. computer, blackberry, phone. His children were a huge inconvenience to him. He would only take them out when pushed (although he was rarely home) but would completely forget to feed them, or put sun block on them or even give them medication... sorry was simply a word like any other a word with little or no meaning to him. A word that was used to 'shut up' rather than relay any type of remorse. I worry about my children. I know that they are being manipulated at every turn, and try and trust that the time they have had with me, and the time that I spend with them now is enough to overcome the terrible human being they call their dad. I know that there is no way that I can have him evaluated. I'm the ex wife...bitter, jaded... trying to get her own back when in reality, all is want is for him to go away. Leave us alone and stop harassing me.
I know that I am a project for him, I see it in his e-mails and the way he conducts himself in front of the kids. I only pray that he will find another project soon (I’m so sorry to whomever you are, I really would not wish him on anyone) so he'll leave me alone.
I am exhausted, but not defeated and while ever I have breath in me and am responsible for my children's well being I will not fight him, but outsmart him.
Part 1 of 3
Reading all these comments (sad to say) makes me feel not so alone. I read many other articles before coming across the one that led to all these comments. Sociopath has been replaced with Antisocial Personality disorder. There is also Dissocial Personality Disorder, and psychopathy. While ASPD is meant to replace psychopathy and sociopath the psychology world seems to be in disagreement. ASPD relies on documentation including documentation from childhood. This goes back to paperwork and a child being written up and sent to the office for any little thing. Documentation of behavior problems has always been a priority in schools but not until recently have we began to focus more on the documentation of behavior problems in order to get a child into special education programs that could help them. Even still, according to the articles and personal experience of growing up with a sibling who has some of the major traits that occur again and again, the child with sociopathic tendencies may not be the child up in the office with a behavior form filled out awaiting school suspension. Therefore there will be no documentation from early childhood to clearly diagnose them with ASPD. Then physiologists go back to the Hare Psychopathy Checklist because it focuses on interpersonal and affective deficits of psychopathy (e.g. shallow affect, superficial charm, manipulativeness, lack of empathy).
One of the major traits is pathological lying. My sister conned the wisest of the wise and is still at it but this was not something that began at teenage years. The first major lie was in the fourth grade. She said her math teacher was picking on her and being mean to her. My mother, having been a former educator, went up for a meeting ready to stand up for her child and find out what was going on. The teacher was surprised by the accusation and had only the nicest things to say about my sister. It never stopped there and it never will. What surprises me is the ability to keep up with the lies because they are not simple. They are completely constructed as if it really happened with details. She keeps up with them over periods of years.
Another is a lack of fear. The characteristic is talked about in a lot of articles. One thing that does seem odd when I look back on my life with my sister is that she seemed to have a lack of fear. She pitched a physical fight in a small car. My mother was driving and I was in the passenger seat while my sister was in the back. The road we were on when it started was winding, little or no shoulder, and nowhere to pull over. She grabbed the steering wheel and yanked it to pull it off of the road. She opened the car door while going around a curve up a steep hill threatening to throw herself out. She seemed completely unaware that her actions had the ability to kill us all. No fear, it seemed. The fight started because she wasn’t where she said she would be at a designated time and didn’t think that she should be in trouble or be punished for it. Somehow she chalked up to not being her fault and rationalized it to be my mother’s fault.
Inability to tolerate boredom comes up very frequently. When I first read it, the idea seemed weird to me so I began to think back. I remember describing my sister to others as some who likes be on the go a busy body. I am one of those people who likes to keep their hands busy. I will only sit idle so long before I began to doodle, crochet, or typing. I can sit through a dull faculty meeting that goes on an hour an half too long if I have too. My sister could not sit idle that long. She could talk forever but if the talk turned boring or what was on TV was not thrilling enough she would want to go and do something. As opposed to someone like me when they are bored can sit and watch QVC for an hour.
part 2/3
I was friends with some other people. The lied/deceived me, used me, and made me feel guilty. There was a lot of me giving and them taking. There were many patterns of behavior similar to my sister but not as severe. Some of things of how ended up feeling with them match up but not all. They were toxic for me. I am intelligent enough to know that just because someone is toxic for you does not mean that they are toxic for everyone. Also, not all toxic people are sociopaths. Just because you read some articles does not mean you can legally go out diagnose sociopathic behavior. I saw the old comment where someone jumped in and spouted off about others recognizing similar behavior in some of their loved ones. Maybe they have a degree in which allows for them to do that fine and well. If they do than they should have sympathy for victims. I have lumped my sister in with the toxic people because I can’t make that diagnoses. I know when I look at a list of symptoms for psychopathy I find myself playing back through video memories of my 22 year relationship with my sister. Here were three odd things I noticed that kept coming up in my reading on the subject. For me to say they are sociopaths is a stretch that can easily become a lie.
My mother gave me this wonderful day calendar by Elizabeth Hilts apparently she has a couple of books out as well, they are largely aimed at women, and have wonderful quotes about dealing with toxic people and something the author calls “toxic niceness”. That has helped me walk my way out of the toxic relationships. I acknowledge my stupidity in both parts with my sister and the old friends. Which my sister I have currently cut out of my life (we’ve had an on and off relationship for the past 5 or so years) and right now do not see a future for it. It’s just been a constant repeat of things, which is really nothing but everything at the same time. Eventually you do get tired of feeling hurt. The great thing about finally being an adult is you can choose to have nothing to do with a family member if you want too. When my friends lied to me the way they did I walked very quickly away from them because for the past few years in the relationship I had been feeling used. The lie was like the fly on the over burden trash can out back in the over grown yard. The fly sits down and all you hear is a crash and then a smell worse than vomit. Then you realize that’s what you haven’t taken care of and when you do, you walk away at the end.
Maybe you’re not sure they’re a sociopath but if you at least acknowledge they are toxic you can begin to remove yourself out of their lives. I ended the relationship with the friends a month before I would end the relationship with my sister. Both sets of people at first did not quite get it that the relationship was over and I was making myself very clear that I was done. They will not be done when you have had enough because they are not being hurt the most. They will be hurt when you want to end it but that is when you pull back and say “This is about me doing what is good and healthy (mentally, physically, and emotionally) for me. Right now it’s all about me.” My sister didn’t try to play on my Christianity and God and what is morally right. My former friends who are also Christians did. That was the hardest because I felt sympathy for them and I feel compelled to do what is right and go the extra mile. I was lucky at that moment I had someone to get me straight. That incident made me stronger for when I choose to end the relationship with my sister.
3/3
Aftermath is you are left with a lack of trust in others. Even people you’ve known a while. Apparently you can feel depressed long after you have ended the relationship. I felt that way directly after ending the relationships and then it seemed like it went away. Now nearly 5-6 months later I am feeling it again. I may possibly seek some therapy if I am still feeling a lot of the same emotion within another 6 months. I have had two months of vacation which means extra time to dwell on things. I am a dweller and worrier, so naturally I did dwell and worry. When it all occurred I did not have as much time to dwell and worry. With classes starting again soon I am hoping the work will re-energize me and that some of the opened wounds will heal over. If not by January I will be eager to pay whatever amount a good therapist cost.
I was sent something that list indications of recovery for an abuse survivor because pretty much what you go through even if some people are only toxic is abuse, if they are crazy it’s worse. It list only ten indicators they are: 1. I am willing to face the abuse and acknowledge the hurt and pain, 2. I am able to express feelings and thoughts to others about it,3. I understand that I was a victim regardless of any consent I gave I was a victim, 4. I consider it a violation, 5. I realize the damage experienced and have overcome personal feelings of shame and guilt, 6.I identify personal style of relating to others, including attempts to avert further hurt by avoiding honesty and intimacy, 7.I am able to overcome unrealistic fears and not plagued with continued anxiety, 8.I have experienced an increase in sense of worth as a person and am able to trust others, 9.I the ability to have intimate relationships with spouse, family, and friends, 10.I am free from the burdens of perfectionism, of rage, or bitterness, and depression. I am currently only through point five.
All the information I've read is really good but when the Sociopath is your son and has no where to go but with you HOW do you get them out of your life...Believe me I would love to have him leave my home but how can a Mother do that????
How being married to a sociopath has changed my life,let me count the ways: 1.I have to be aware of my surrounds at all times.2.I'm finding it hard to trust anyone or anything.3.If I leave home for five minutes or five hours, when I return home I have to check under all of the beds, look in all of the closets,and check all of the windows and doors.4.If I go outside for anything I lock the door behind me, for fear that he will get in without me being aware of his presence.5.I carry a gun everywhere I go,even just outside.6.Two weeks ago I started having nightmares, in these dreams he's coming back to get me.7.I pretty much keep to myself,it's easeir than trying to explain to people what has happened in your life when you don't know how to explain it to yourself. You may have seen movies about it, or read about it,but you never thought it would happen to you.There,s no way to put into words what has happened to you that would make people understand it unless they've lived it,and I mean really lived it.8.I don't rest good at night or the daytime for that matter.9.I'm scared that when I'm in the shower he's going to get in and I won't be able to hear him.10.The list could go on.I thought I met my knight in shining armour, the man of my dreams, the one person I should be able to look to for protection was the one person I feared most, come to think of it the only person I feared.Anyway to make a long story short my sociopath husband almost killed me two months ago,and I'm still a newleywed imagine that!Blows me away too.All I can say is if you're involved with someone you suspect is a sociopath, run as far away from that relationship as you can get,YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT. I KNOW I ALMOST LOST MINE.
(JACKY) I really need some advice. Is it possible for my mother-in-law and sister-in-law to be sociopaths that work together? They're unified in tearing my husband's life apart - make up lies about us, pretend to be deathly ill, steal cash outright, constantly ask for money and freeload. They've ruined every milestone in our lives so far with drama and complaints and lies. They ruin everything if it's not about them and I'm not exagerating.
The most recent example happened two days ago and I'm at the end of my rope and exhausted. My husband owns a small beach house and his mother has an open invitation. She INSISTS on bring my SIL, four grandchildren, and her daughter's husband. This year, the roof needs to be replaced, the taxes were raised, etc. They've been here a full month, paid nothing (again), trashed the house (again) and we really need to rent it out. We are hard-working average people. My SIL and MIL dont work.
Heres where it gets even weirder - My husband told his sister that this year, she had to leave by July 31st because of the renters. They've been there all month. Instead of being grateful for the free vacation, my SIL pretended that she had to stay for a party. She caused a really ebarassing scene, my MIL told everone we were evicting them. My husband took a stand and told them that going forward, they were no longer welcome and they FLIPPED OUT. They stayed anyway! And, have been calling constantly- we are not responding. Finally, last night, my SIL left me a message saying that there had been an 'emergency' When I called back, she had nothing to say other than how mean we are, and it seemed the whole purpose of the call was to let me know they were still there. We've lost our renters and my husband has been away for the past five days (he's in sales and HAS TO go to work). What the heck is going on? This is my husband's house! What is this sense of entitlement to our things, money, time, etc.? I feel like I'm going crazy and my husband won't- or cant - seem to get them out of our lives.
PLEASE HELP
PLEASE READ: I AM INTERESTED IN FEED BACK ESPECIALLY FROM ADAM AND ANY LISTENING SOCIOPATH. I have been dating a guy for nearly ten years whom I believe is a mild sociopath with heavy on the narcissism. He is charming and "EVERYONE" around him tells him how great he is.(which sickens me) He is manipulative, runs hot and cold, has an apptitude for self importance which goes unchallenged in my experience, bores easily, has a gambling problem, a really bad temper which often borders on the ridiculous and will push my buttons until I crack for entertainment purposes. I mean it's all in there. He never apologizes and practically demands that I will even when A) I'm not in the wrong B)caused the tiniest tresspass C) he's the one wrong but has turned it around on me. Furthermore he admits to being manipulative: says himself that in his mind he is the only person who realy matters seconded only then by myself. He believes and admitts openly and only to me that he is superior to everyone else. Doesn't seem to care a sitch if I walked out of his life. He doesn't commit crimes, has no police record nor is he violent. such behavior would only ultimately bring grief on him and he can't have that.He is both controlling and domineering. Admittedly,If I ever acused him of being a sociopath/narcissist or just call him on his shit, look out, etc, etc on and on blah blah blah.
When I met my boyfriend, he was a 30 year old karaoke host, I was 27 and married, not seperated but done with it. I had three kids.
As I got to know him, I saw that there was arrogance and selfishness in him and I didn't like it. I saw these things well before he ever displayed them openly. I didn't like the way other people stroked his ego and treated him like gold because I knew he didn't deserve it. He hated or generally felt nothing at all for these people but they all wanted his attention. When I say these people, of course I mean Karaoke patrons. His job was to be charming and he was (as you can already guess) very good at it. He made them actually believe they were his friends. He would be sarcastically mean to their faces and they didn't get that.I said to him once in those early times that I felt sorry for any woman who ends up with him. He asked why and I told him he was self centerd, arrogant and domineering. He admitted it in kind and began displying his true self more openly, but only to me. He had two personalities the Karaoke host and the real him. I never liked the Karaoke host, I still tell him To stop being the Karaoke host when it comes out. He has a huff and says its his other side and can't help it. What he means of course is that it is his social face and he needs it. He has no kindness which isn't either obligatory or self serving. If he doesn't get is accolades and appreciation he throws fits. On the other hand, He is there for me emotionaly when he knows he should be. He also does to a point seem to have a social concience as well. Sometimes I can actually see honest to God pain in his eyes when he gets upset, whats that? He wants to be involved in holidays to a point too.What is your feedback? Is he a sociopath?
I lived with a sociopath for 2 yrs. I eventually kicked her out in January. She insisted we remain in a relationship. But I quickly found out she stole a lot of my stuff including my passport. I then found out she'd jumped in bed with her new landlord. When I complained about her taking my stuff she called the police to my house. She taped and manipulated conversations and lied to the Police. Then my neighbours told me she'd asked them for sex. When I put this to her she went beserk and smashed up my property. The gloves really came off when she realised I knew what she was. She started a smear campaign with my neighbours, calling me a "pedo" and trying to destroy me.
The good news is I can spot a Psycho now at 10 paces and will never let one into my life again.
If you suspect you are involved with one the golden rule is: DISENGAGE. Don't meet up with them and try and patch things up. They will goad you into saying something nasty and tape all conversaitons. Tattoo this advice on your arse and get out as quietly as you can. Cut your losses. They will never change.
Dude
Woman with the Karaoke host:
Now that you know him for what he really is, it seems obvious that you should get him out of your life, whether he is a sociopath or not. He sounds like a sociopath in my opinion. But even if he isn't, why do you ask the question? Are you going to try to help him? Get him into therapy?
It sounds like he can take care of himself. He doesn't need you. I doubt if he wants therapy, but if he does, he can find it and pay for it himself. My recommendation: Leave him. Find a better man.
This is my friend to a tee. She can be seductive and charming and has delighted in how similar we are 'just like sisters' even though she has a couple of sisters (sociopathic tendencies there too, in fact i think her competition with them is perhaps one of her driving forces).
She is funny and clever and creative and i feel so much guilt thinking that she could be a sociopath but she repeatedly lies, is deliberately misleading, and lets me down at the most crucial times and is basically just cruel.
We have become very close (well i have become close to her... i am a sociopaths delight as with her i have been open, easy, honest) I have told her things that i have told no one else and she uses them against me. I stupidly continue to make excuses for her and think that perhaps it was me who miscommunicated something to her.
She is patient, she takes her time and is such a good actor that most people think that she is the most warm and caring person they know (see THIS makes me think that it really IS just me) although i have friends who see her as dangerous and are not interested in her games. One of her most successful moves was to distance me from many of my friends.
She has a LOT of friends who think the world of her which baffles me (surely i can't be the only one who sees this?) although there is always conflict going on somewhere with someone, her friends are very diverse and when we are all together i can't help but feel that we are not 'friends' but specimens that she has collected, 'proof' of her skill as an actor and manipulator.
She executed her attack on me with military precision and seduced me in the most perfect way. I have never met anyone like her and i know that there will be a gaping hole in my life should i actually have the courage to cut her out of my life.
It is easy to SAY 'just get out' or 'just break it off' but it is so hard and every time i get close to doing so i start to doubt that she really is a sociopath and start to believe that it is me, that it is all in my head.
Can't i just keep her in my life but be aware of her ways and ensure i don't fall under her spell again?
Hello, I thought some of you might be interested in some input from an actual sociopath (I'm bored). ///PLEASE GIVE FEEDBACK I'M CURIOUS///
Some time ago, my mother told me that my grandfather was diagnosed as a sociopath and labelled as a danger to society. I figured he was the nicest and sweetest man I've ever known. Then it got me thinking. My mother and I looked into it and it turns out I'm the same way. Now I am rather offended by some of the things that I've seen about sociopaths. Almost every article or "article" about the average sociopath has implied that they're "evil". There's a bit of a difference between being evil and just trying to do what makes you feel good.
There was a two year period in which I "pined" for this pathetic excuse for a human being. And it wasnt because I loved her. She fit each and every one of my standards. Intelligent. Beautiful. And seemingly kind. I eventually got her to confide in me. I know things about her that not even her closest friends or family knows. But I was convinced that I loved her. I never concieved of using that information to hurt her.
Then she ended up with this depressing waste of oxygen. Mainly because he was what her family wanted. I'm aware that I'm better than that filth except for one thing: he's quite handsome. I provided all her emotional and intellectual needs and I get ditched because the other guy is more pleasing to look at. I felt a sense of abandonment much like the bastard priest who believes that "God" has forsaken him. It "hardened" my existential view as some might put it.
Today I had a conversation with him. I know he has a history of severe depression and has attempted suicide once already. I used a couple of things I knew about the girl and how she was with other men, but I was VERY subtle. I got him thinking. 30 minutes into the conversation he says, "Sometimes I just feel like killing myself." and hangs up. Now two things, he either offs himself or the relationship crumbles. Either way I'm her only shoulder to cry on.
My idea is that sociopaths do have emotions. Just the typical and instinctive ones. Anger,Annoyance, Self Satisfaction, Desire, definitely Lust, and in rare cases Depression.
Feelings like love or happiness or general contentness are almost out of reach because we want the best in life no matter the cost. If we have to act out empathy then so be it. If we have to manipulate, so be it. And a lot of the time it isnt material things: The closest to happy I've ever been is around that woman I referred to earlier.
Sociopaths really just want what makes them feel alive or good or what have you. It's not always one specific thing. And if you get fooled by one then it's your fault for being an idiot.
But to the woman with the pathetic karaoke guy, there is no reason for you to be with the guy, just ditch him. Are you that selfdestructive?
To stay with him would be admitting a counterproductive existence and basically admitting that you are an idiot. Dont let him win.
To Mercedes: Unfortunately that is how you succeed in life. All these things they do to you, it's their job. Trust me, reaching out wont really do anything except give you a false sense of comfort. But if you want my ACTUAL opinion, you are a paranoid schyzophrenic.
I think you can keep her in your life. As long as you know what you are dealing with there can be ways to protect yourself. But aren't you exhausted having to constantly watch yourself and examine her motives for all the things she does? SP's can be a lot of fun but I never could really relax as his fun usually involved hurting someone else or demeaning someone else. It was incredible the horrible things he would say about others and then when they came in the room, he was their best friend. Of course after several years, he ended up screwing over all of us. Be careful if you stay friends with her. Do not tell her your secrets and especially do not tell her if something good is coming your way. (job promotion, financial windfall, etc) She will somehow sabotage this either by telling others you didn't deserve it or flat out trying to keep you from getting it. SP's cannot stand for friends to be more successful than them. Please always remember this. You really need to ask yourself, would ending this friendship leave a gaping hole in your life, or would you finally be out of that endless pit of a friendship that sucks the life out of you? It is sad that you are forgetting what a real friendship is all about.
TO THE GIRL WITH THE FRIEND OF MILITARY PRECISION FROM THE GIRL WITH THE KARAOKE HOST.
I know what you mean, I too have been isolated and had secrets used against me. They do have a way of making you believe it's you and not them. But if I leave my boyfriend I'll be devestated somehow. Not severe heartbreak at this point (too much resentment)but like I'm addicted to him as you are to her. what do we do? we try to figure out how to just cope, so we don't have to go thru the pain of seperation. I know I want to leave him, but it's like I keep saying to myself, "I'm not ready yet, but soon." and soon never comes, sound familiar? Do they zero in on specific victim and concentrate on only this one person? Why do others just see charm, while only we see the lie? It seems like if we are a challenge or fight back we become very interesting so they reveal themselves to us in order to induce combative behavior on our part. Which is probably a hoot for them because as normal people we just want peace and this brings misery to us. I think it is we who need the support and therepy.How can we trust anyone ever again. What are the long term affects of extended abuse by a sociopath?
I was wondering if anyone knows of the symptoms most exhibited by youth that may speak to one being a sociopath. It is my feeling that the youth with whom I have been a stepparent for the last 10 years actually exhibits many of the same characteristics of a sociopath, but I wonder when one crosses the line to being that from being a rebellious teen. This young person does not show remorse for his actions, but at the same time is rarely if ever held accountable. He is still at the age of 19 not finished with school and has never held down a job longer than 3 months. He has been quite involved in the drug scene and smokes pot regulalry. He has also been invovled in numerous fights - often of the UFC variety, but this seems to have waned (he was brutally beaten up a year ago and broke his hand twice due to fighting). He has not had a girlfriend and hangs out with mostly underachieving and lazy kids who spend most of their time doing nothing or being on a computer. He defies all rules and goes against the grain on just about everything you ask. There is more, but what I wonder is when it stops being labelled as unruly youth and can be thought of as sociopath.
To Stepmom: I would think young sociopaths exhibit the same characteristics of any sociopath no matter what the age. Given the age of your stepson these symptoms might be on a lesser scale. In my opinion sociopaths learn to hone their skills as they get older. For instance, older sociopaths would never get into fights, as this would be beneath them. And being that they value themselves so highly, they would never want to get hurt but rather manipulate others to strike back at someone they hated. At age 19, I would hesitate calling your stepson an unruly teenager. This seems old to me. It sounds like this kid needs some tough love and maybe drug rehab. In my opinion, I would try the attitude of "the world doesn't owe you anything" and begin there. If he wants a comfortable lifestyle, he needs to start earning it. 19 is considered an adult and he needs to start acting like one. Likewise, as a parent, you and your husband need to start treating him as such. If he is a sociopath, there is no treatment for this condition and you would have to take steps to protect yourself. However, if he is an "unruly teenager", that can be fixed.
I have a 13 year-old step-son that has sociopathic tendencies. He is manipulative and likes to play "mind games". I have a master's degree in professional counseling and am working toward a doctorate's degree in clinical psychology. He gives me plenty of practice. And, admittedly I can effectively put him in check pyschologically. It's interesting, because I know him, his tactics, and his manipulations and he carries on thinking that he has one-upmanship over me. It's an effort of him trying to "win". I effectively don't play in to it. And I remove myself from being an enabler, which is what he wants...so that he can place blame on everyone else for allowing him to be the way he is. I know that I make him uncomfortable by removing myself from the enabling position but it is very effective because I can make him aware that he chose his own actions. In a sense, I force him to look at his fallacies and choices as his own, exclusive of anyone else so that he is forced to blame only himself. We (my wife and I) discussed alerting others (mainly his uncles and grandfather) so that they don't play in to his tactics and it has worked. He tends to run from taking responsibility and from doing what is deemded socially acceptable.
Just today, he broke an expensive pen I purchased on purpose...so I told him that because he could not bring himself to appologize, he lacked social skills and I modeled the correct behavior he should have displayed. I explained to him that if he could not show normal social skills by appologizing and making an effort to right a wrong, that I was not going to force the issue but I would be making myself unavailable to give him any sort of allowance or financial priviledge and that I would be removing my 27" TV I allowed him to use in his room until he 1) appologized, and 2) replaced my expensive pen. As a consequence, he has nowhere in our home to play his video games until he brings him self to reconciliation.
I encourage others to not play the role of the enabler, but think in terms of how they (the socio-paths) think and behave. They are not normal people and you should never expect them to behave in a genuine way. They deserve to be treated accordingly: with EXTREME caution! As soon as my step-son finishes high-school and goes off to college, I will be turning his room into an exercise room with a bed of nails, lest he feel inclined to beg to spend the night or visit!
Although I am concerned about him and his well-being, I remain sane by keeping close eye on him and bringing to surface anything about his behavior that looks suspect, especially when it relates to my other kids (his brother and sister).
i think im dating a sociopath she meets 100% of things a sociopath dose .how do i know for sure?
Serial killers, (psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder) experience a "high" induced by total power over their victim. To watch the life light drain from the eyes of a human being is the upmost satisfaction that they: (a mere shell of a human) could ever possibly experience. As the nostrils flare and eradicte that final breath, the sociopath sees his life flash before him... His life, the life that now belongs to him forever, the very blood pulsing through his veins is the very blood that has stained his hands. A synapse between it/"he" and the human, a vauge relativity so very subtle yet completely understood by "he" the monster, the demon... the Empty. He somehow in this morose interlude is able to experience love, pain, hate, sacrifice, acceptance, empathy, every human emotion, fear, ponderance... He can taste the lips of a lover and feel warm sunshine on his back and for a fleeding fraction of a second, (a rigamoris type of second) he is human.
I am haunted by a fear, a preminition of some sort, that I will lay lifeless at the hands of this Empty. As my entire life and my entire reality fade in the refection of those eyes, my soul will be consumed. The fight and will within me will be surrendered by my dying body and an entire life lived through love and committment will be reduced to an insignificant biological and primal instinct... Fear.
Perhaps this certain "fear" is one that I have already experienced although my subconscios refuses to define it. For if I were ever truely born I have died a many deaths. Fight... surrender... fear...
But what about the female rendition of this Empty? The Whore of Babylon, the Siren, the Elizabeth Bathory... My mother
The female does not have to take the physicality of life, the state of living... they give birth through their womb and destroy that life many many times in a single life time. The power they seek is affirmed by the same means. They watch the life that they have created slowly fade from the eyes of their child. In small doses the child resists and the knife is then sliced deep into the throat, and the instinctual nature, (fear) overwhelms consumes and then surrenders the life breath... And just as the fringes of the afterlife begin to unravel, this God like woman, breathes breath back into the body and gives life once again. What is the ultimate power? To give life, end life and resurect the dead. To give life and take it away. The only boundary between the male who kills and the woman who does is the way in which suffering is indefinite and prolonged. The mans victory is when the torment is final and the woman seeks her torture in a serise of neverending cycles, soul experiments and tramatic weathering of a life... her life, for the very blood coursing through the veins of her child pulsates through her very own.
She is able to sample humanity through a forien object that was delivered from her own womb. She feels it through this strange traveller from forien shores afar whose vessel shall never drop anchor near her shores. The sun blinds her as she shields her eyes. A murky image on the horizon, and although she cannot see it she can feel it's presence, a phantom intity lost in the sea, the sea that bears passage to a distant shore, another world. The new world, a world never discovered by her yet she can sense that it exists. The sea, storms batter the vessel and the sound of waves destroying its mast is a phantom melody, a song, a gentle luliby sang by her own mother to calm her fears, and hush her crying and to bring her comfort and peace. She will never know what lies beyond that ship. Never. Her imagination will try to lead her there and all that she will ever invision is Empty.
She is a dying breed. Her body rejects the fetus, the human, and through the miracles of modern medicine this jackle is able to concieve, to procreate, to contribute to evolutions careful purpose when evolution itself smitted her seed. This particular genotype (the genotype of evil) was to be no more. The Assyrians, Babylonians, Romans, Vikings and Huns... The ancient barbarians, hunters of men, sword bearers and savages were written out of the book of life, yet as the devil always does, he is the master of deception for he even fooled the architects plan. The bitch will birth the bastard. A hybrid of the human race whos assalt began well before its birth, a sign of things to come.
I use religious imagry because of the universal ideas of evil. In every culture and religion "evil" is an observation of man inflicting pain, physical suffering, mental berating, manipulation, murder, torture, envy, theft and every other hostility toward fellow man. People who love, who are compassionate, accepting, forgiving and gentle are dumbfounded by the many many faces of this evil. And what do the ancients proclaim evil to be? Deceit. The ability that these people have to understand the workings of humanity and understand the nievety which accopanies its mechanics is startling, stifiling, baffeling and densely confusing. At least in the days of old one simple term was used that did not have to be outlined nor described. Evil was understood and all implications of the term were unspoken yet profoundly known. In modern times, the dark facets of human nature are cloaked in diguises which are not only accepted, but desired. "Only the strong survive", or "its a dog eat dog world," this sort of I win, you loose mentality. Immediate gratification is the generoator of the modern world and as spoiled children imusively snatch up the opportunity, we indulge in pleasures with out reverence to the the consequences that are rendered. And so as we trangress ever foreward through the ages, we must humble ourselves in light of the deepest core of humanity... the self, and understand that it is the giving of self to another that separated us from other beasts long long ago.
(2cents)
Ok, there are a LOT of pages on here so I haven't read them all but has anyone began to identify why people end up in these relationships in the first place?
Seems as though they do have some weaknesses, codependent, unable to set proper boundaries, low self worth, etc. that are exploited by the so called sociopaths. I’m not justifying bad behavior by any means. I just think there needs to be some recognition of the blind spots that lead some into these unhealthy relationships and how to overcome them as to not be handicapped in the future because they will invade even if one is not involved with a “sociopath”.
2cents:
That's a good question. There are probably weak spots in the average victims' makeup, just as there are in most people.
One of the biggest, I think, is also one of the most innocent: Most people, victims or otherwise, have no idea sociopaths exist in everyday life. Whenever I talk to people about sociopaths, they usually find it very hard to believe. A LOT of people think that "everybody is basically good." And they have LOTS of evidence to justify their belief right up until the day they realize what kind of person they have married or gotten involved with.
And even then, they don't want to believe it. How can someone have lied to them and deceived them for selfish gain through their entire relationship? It's not possible, is it? Even when they've got the overwhelming facts staring them straight in the face, most people have a hard time believing it.
From a sociopath's perspective, this kind of innocence is a weakness. And to someone who has been through it and survived, the innocence is clearly seen as a weakness. But the belief in the goodness of other people is only a weakness when it comes to dealing with the few who will exploit it. For dealing with the other 98 percent of the people, that belief is a strength.
(CS)
This is a very interesting forum, Adam, thanks for putting it together. Concerning the Anne story from the Al Wilson post: Anne states that she’s a very loving person. I find that hard to believe considering she was fooling with a married man. Where’s the love for his wife? Real love puts yourself in another person’s shoes and says, ‘hmm, if this was done to me, would I like it?’ If the answer is no, you don’t do it! Very basic. It’s called The Golden Rule and I learned it in preschool.
There are so many problematic situations we could avoid by applying some wisdom to our decisions. Another bit of information: If he cheats with you, he will cheat on you. BIG red flag there. Run, don’t walk! An ounce of prevention beats a pound of cure. We need to take TIME getting to know people very well before we get all tangled up with them. Whenever you open your world up to someone you need to make sure they are worthy first. Do not become physical quickly as it clouds judgment. We need to be able to correctly evaluate potential future spouses/mates. And have some standards for heaven’s sake! If they don’t measure up, NEXT!
And above all, learn to love yourself before seeking someone. A relationship is only as healthy as the least healthy person in it. Get healthy then go find your equal. Beautiful wholeness can come from that.
Eric, I would like to know if my boyfriend was a sociopath.
I am sixteen, although I may seem young I was in a very serious volatile relationship with a 20 year old. He broke up with me three times with never a good reason and came crawling back to me, and every time I caved and returned to him. Even though he treated me awful. But I felt too in love to let him go and I had this feeling over the three-year period.
He is an actor, very intelligent, and very charming. Recently he told me he was gay although he has had sexual intercourse with seven women, and we had a lot of sex. I will be honest, I was consistently there for him, and cared to an immeasureable extent. Reasons he told me he had broken up were due to traveling the world and he needed to cut all strings...first Europe, Africa, then Romania was the most recent endeavor...none of them occured. Even though he seemed absolutely set on going. He has been suicidal. He has told me he that he is sexually turned on from violence. He has never hurt me physically, though. He has hurt himself. He is extremely manipulative. He lies about practically everything. He questions his sexuality because he describes how he is flaming gay, but his body is bi. He is a heroine addict, but has used pretty much every drug in the book. He tells me he has never been able to have an emotional attatchment with anyone - including his family. He says he is disaffected by everything. When I was brokenhearted and constantly asked why he decided to crawl back to me he would respond with, "Well I missed you," and never anything more. Whenever we would talk about a very serious issue, he would always say he understood, and I would trust that he did, and then later on in the conversation he would do or say exactly what I had just talked to him about. Like he never took it in. Like it never even occured. Sometimes he would apologize and say he felt extremely bad and other times he wouldn't say anything at all. It always seemed like I meant very little to him, but other times he would say how much he needed me. I knew he wasn't good for me, I wanted to leave him...but for the life of me, I just couldn't let go. Which was strange for me, because other relationships were always easy for me. There was something about him, like he hypnotized me. He is extremely dramatic and manipulative with everything. He would promise me something would go a certain way and then when we saw each other we would usually end up having sex and getting food...and it isn't like I don't have control. I had fallen under some spell. This might not mean anything, but after sex he would always have to have a cigarette, and one time when i made a big deal out of how much it hurt me, he was completely disaffected, and it happened again the next time we had sex. He would constantly have ideas, and for the most part I supported all of them, even when I knew thye wouldn't happen or were nearly impossible. He would keep a lot of things secret...he told me he hated sharing big plans he had because every one either made fun of them or simply "didn't understand." He is attractive, and for the most part very easy going, although he has very impulsive tendencies, and he can get very upset. He seems to have multiple personalities, too. He can go from being very thoughtful and not talking at all, to extremely loud and obnoxious in a second. He has big plans and all of them have fallen through. Schools he auditioned for, even one supposedly went bankrupt. He was raised by a single father his entire life, he has had many girlfriends, and once he told me the reason for that was because he felt that he needed the care from them because of the loss of his mother. That he's not really interested in girls.
Everything is contradictory with him. He says one thing, and does another. They are almost always very serious.
I'm really worried...we most likely won't talk again, because I'm beginnning to realize the trap I was in.
I'm almost sure he is a sociopath...would you agree?
I am glad I have no need of relationships, and will hopefully never get entangled in the SP game.
Sounds like this evil garbage will always be with us, and with awareness and knowledge of this scum, we will stay one step ahead of their crap.
Great site.
(CS)
Madison, the ONLY reason a guy who’s 20 would spend time with someone of your age is to get some action and whatever else he wants for the moment. You are nothing but a toy to him. Whether he’s a sociopath or not isn’t relevant as there are lots of guys who use women in this way. Especially women of your age.
I don’t believe you’re ready for a serious relationship. And even if you were, the guys in your age range are definitely not and the older ones are nothing but perverts to be with you, therefore would not make good relationship material. If you feel like you have to have a guy in your life, you are trying to fill a void with the wrong things. The wrong things can and will end up hurting you every time.
It doesn’t sound like your parents are very involved, unfortunately. Do you have any relatives that attend church? If so, see if you can go with them. God can be a great source of healing and he’s right there whenever you need him, just ask him to come into your heart. Find older, married women, either relatives or someone in the church, to be a mentor to you. You will benefit greatly from some guidance. You’re at a very tender age right now and without it, you will end up regretting the wrong decisions you will most likely make. Trust me, I speak from experience.
Also, focus on learning about who Madison is. Focus on school and what you want to do with your life. The whole world is at your fingertips. There are limitless opportunities just waiting for you to grab hold. Now is the time to realize your dreams. Please don’t let some loser guy take all of that away from you!
You deserve someone who is going to love you for who you are on the inside. Continue the work to become the type of person that a really great guy would be a fool to pass up! And once you’re ready to look for a mate (which is not until you‘re in a position to marry)really learn who this guy is before getting serious. Be picky, your happiness, and that of your future children is on the line here! Is he kind? Unselfish? Does he have character? Would he make a good dad? Does he have a good relationship with his family? Does he have a good work ethic? Does he handle his finances well? Etc. A good way to find all this out is to be friends first. Plus, really great marriages are between those who are best friends.
I’m praying for you, sweetie.
(CS)
For anyone wondering whether or not their mate is a sociopath, does it really matter? They are obviously not good relationship material. Dump them for crying out loud. You don’t need a label for that!
Now I understand it gets more complicated when you're married to them or have children with them or the person in question IS your child/step child. My heart goes out to those in that situation and can see why you‘d need to know.
But for the rest of you with very limited ties to these emotionally stunted folks, regardless of why they’re that way, ruuun! And be thankful it didn't go any farther. Then do some soul searching to figure out why you’re attracted to and attracting these types and learn to break the cycle.
I just came across this website as I am looking for ways to handle my situation. I am 68 yrs old and left home 2 wks ago. I am with my daughter and I have had 2 visits with a therapist and she suggested I read the book
My Neighbor is a Sociopath. I have been married 46 and never have known anything about our finances. My husband has gambled in the
stock market forever and poker, horses, and
of course the casinos. However I started gambling recently and lost some money and he
called our children and told them what a problem
I have and I thot well I probably do. However
not enough that he is telling everyone that I do and he does not. It's so ridiculou but then
he tells me I have taught our children to steal
because I had overdue library books
Also when I was in 6 7 and 8th grade our family lived in the projects when it was new and then
we moved and I went to a private all girls school and even when we did live in the projects
I was at a Catholic School with nuns and my father was a very good DAD and did'nt allow my brother and I to stay out after dark. Now my
husband asked what happened to me making my childhood sound ugly. I was very popular in school and had a wonderful childhood and he knows all this as we met in highschool and I
married him at 24 and he chased me all those years. I still after all these years am trying to figure him out. He goes to Mass every
Sunday is a man who goes to lots of kids games and seems like such a nice guy but is such a phony. If I do something nice for him like when
he was still working and his car was being fixed
and I looked for him at the end of the busstop
he said how dumb I was = I was trying to save him a long walk.
He was always gone when our children were young playing soccer, basketball. poker etc.
He was a industrial engineer when I married him and the dept closed so he became a foreman and did shift work. He chose to do this forever and he still blames me that he did not become a professional ballplayer. He drank but it never seemed like he was a sloppy drunk so he acts like that did not cause problems. I am nowfinding out about our money and I am getting a lawyer to help me. He will never leave. And
he has always been very sexual and expected me to go along with this. I felt used always not loved My children believe him and just think I'm crazy now at this time to want to get out and don't understand why I am hurting.
Do you think he is a sociopath or am I blaming him and I really have the problem. Please answer.
In response to CS,
Because honestly, I felt a million times better after researching if he was a psychopath. I don't believe he was in it for the sex, I am aware of the situation. That was a benefit, yes. But I was a virgin before him, I never had any regrets with him. I still don't. He had dated many girls, and he could have been with anyone he wanted. I pursued him. I am thoroughly convinced I am in love with a sociopath, and I'm glad to know that. I think his friends would further be able to guide him into "saneness" so to speak. I'm out of the picture. I know the situation I was dealing with, he was not a pervert and for the first few months had a lot of trouble accepting my age, but he did long before we started having sex but still made mention of how it was hard for him to be with someone who was so much younger. If someone is unaware of my age, I am usually guessed to be 20. Some days older, some a couple years younger. I wasn't being used in that since per-se...but I am irrevocably in love with him. And I care, that's why I'm trying desperately to find out and hopefully talk to another sociopath firsthand. I appreciate your concern, but I am a very stable girl who knows what she needs and wants. I am a strong Christian. I have plenty of goals, dreams, ambitions...I plan to achieve every one of them and he never got in the way of that. I am hurt, but not more hurt than being in an abusive household. He seemed right, he still is...just a possible psychopath - I never want kids, it seems wrong for me to have them and I'm going into a very unstable career...he wasn't too fond on having kids, either.
Now that hopefully this sunk in, I would like to know the facts behind sociopathy. I find it very interesting. I plan on minoring in psychology.
Thanks for those who responded...
God bless.
Madison
From what you've said, I can't tell if he's a sociopath or not, but he sure doesn't sound like someone to stay married to. Seems like you're doing the right thing.
i am currently going through a bitter divorce and custody battle with a sociopath. my daughter is 3 and is anaphalactic for milk. if she eats anything with milk in it, she could die within 40 minutes. my ex fed her milk twice and NEITHER time was his fault, according to him. the first time it was my fault for buying yogurt and keeping it in the fridge and the second time it was the waitresses fault. my newborn and 3 year old are both fragile for different reasons. i am terrified that he has influence over them. he brainwashed me for years and i consider myself to be relatively intelligent.
can i prove that he is a sociopath? will an MMPI produce test results that indicate he is a sociopath or can he "beat" the test? will he ever leave me alone? is there some way to make him cut me out of his life the way he did countless others? he is like a light switch- when he is done with you, he never looks back. how do i make this happen for me? thanks.
I have been dating a 40 year old OBGYN the last 7 months. He comes from a messed up family. I've only met 1 brother and he was 1 of 6. He had a brother that killed (pain pills) himself 2-3 years ago. When we discussed it, he was never emotional about it at all. He also has a sister who tried to kill herself 2 years ago by shooting herself in the chest. He has another sister who could never hold a job until he got her a job in the psychiatric ward at the hospital where he works. She apparently talks to the patients when they come in until they get in to see the doctor. His response to this is that it takes a crazy person to understand a crazy person. He is the only person in his family to graduate from high school, so being a doctor is amazing. He has struggled with his weight his whole life and tends to be a bit odd. He has very few male friends and spends very little time with them. He seems very disconnected with them. Women however love him. He comes across as this goofy nice guy.
In the flip side he is extremely paranoid. He has a bedroom in his house that is always locked. I've never known what is in there. He has multiple guns in the house. We went on a vacation a few weeks ago and even though he has an alarm system, he still locked his personal bedroom door.
Throughout our relationship he has been disconnected yet we kept seeing each other. Our sexual relationship has been confusing. He has multiple orgasms, one-after-another. I never knew a man could do this. He has never been into my body and I felt that our sex life was a bit mechanical. In July we finally talked about our disconnect. I asked him if he had ever been in love. It took him 30 plus seconds to answer and he finally said yes (he's never been married). If it took him that long to answer I know he was not telling me the truth. He then told me that he didn't think we were compatible sexually but would never tell me what it was. He told me during this talk that if we decided we were compatible he wanted to have a baby and get married right away. Two weeks later he asked if I would get off the pill and to start trying to have a baby.
He took several very nice vacations with and without me during our 7 months. A few weeks ago we went on a week long vacation then he spontaneously turned around and went on another vacation supposedly with his brother. I did not hear from him the whole 8 days he was gone but received roses. When he got back he said he needed a break. He continued to send me emails saying he missed me that whole week after. That's when it all came out....
I received a phone call from a girl who said she had been dating him for 2 months. She said that he too wanted to have a baby with her. She said he was on Sugardaddy.com along with other websites. She said that he told her I was not into interracial porn (which I never knew about) but she was. He told her that he went on a trip with his mom when he was with me, and he told me he was with his brother when he was with her. He has been living a double life the whole time we have been dating. He has been with multiple women and been on trips with them. In confronting him, he has not shown remorse but said he did the best he could do under the circumstances. I talked to his sister-in-law who said she never wants to get close to anyone he dates because he has been doing this for 15 years. I've been dating someone for 7 months with a whole secrete life.
I don't know if he is a true sociopath or not but he tends to have some of the characteristics. I feel so used and violated, especially from a man who is an OBGYN and takes care of women.
hi,
understanding that SP are great actors and adapt their behaviour accordingly to gain control of their victims, i have 2 questions;
1. how to immediately spot one? what are the tell-tale signs of a SP?
2. if you suspects someone is a SP, how do you know for sure?
thanks
i recently met a man, 5 days ago infact, and we immediately "click". we talked for hours and we have so much in common. 2 intense get together (3days)later he told me he has already fallen in love with me and he has never feel this way about anyone and he's so astonished how comfortable we are together and how it feels like we've known each other for years.
I dont deny that the words he says i do feel also (minus the love part), but at the same time i feel everything is moving too fast. my gut feelings tell me this is dangerous and i need to run away from this man. at the same time he has been so absolutely wonderful and sweet and nice but there's signs of a con artist.
i think i have almost answered my own question but i just need to know, does that sound anything like an encounter with a SP?
Thanks
(SP3)
I love sociopaths.
They're creatures (non-human) who were born without a soul.
A doctor once told me that the only thing that gets to them is extreme physical violence.
I'm not talking about a regular beating here I mean broken bones an ears ripped off.
Sociopaths may be the "spawn of the devil" but there are people out here who know exactly how to handle them.
Like child molestors there is no known treament for them and when caught they should be locked up for the rest of their lives to prevent them from destroying real human's lives or in my humble opinion put down like rabid dogs.
They're only "human" in the sense that they're flesh and blood but it *ends* there!
They're fun to mess with though.
I can only tell you about the characteristics of the SP that I know. When I first met him, he seemed like a regular, nice guy. I did notice that he surrounded himself with friends who did all the work. For instance, if his pool needed maintenance, all of a sudden he was going out for beers with a guy who did pools. In his business, he sat watching videos (The Godfather, Sopranos) at his office while his business partners made sales calls, etc. The only thing he contributed to his business was handling the financials. Hence, the embezzlement he was doing. He would have his friends do all the physical labor and the difficult tasks. He moved several times and never packed a box. He wrangled his friends and family to do it all by saying he had an important business "meeting." I mean this guy never lifted a finger. He would loan money to people, but he would also borrow right back from them. He once talked a guy into tiling his whole house, he didn't pay him for it. Instead, he reminded the guy how he loaned him $200 and since he tiled the house, that he could keep the $200. This SP would loan a dime but take a $1.00. It was incredible how he used people. He would have people "pick" him up something while they were out, and never pay them back. When anyone tried to get their money back, he would say "after all I've done for you, you have the nerve to ask me to pay you?" Or "You know, you might need something from me one day, and I am just the guy you would want to get you out of a jam."
He never let his wife know what the shape of their finances were. She was given an allowance. She was treated like a slave. That guy never got up and got his own drink. Rather would sit on the sofa and tell her to bring him this or that. He had several out of town trips that cost a lot of money. (most without his wife) He was very sexually promiscuous. One long term affair, and lots of prostitutes and a few short term affairs. He was not good looking, but would carry wads of money. He kept very little money in the bank because most of it was in expensive homes, and cars. Of course he eventually lost all of these due to overspending.
The biggest thing that stands out, he would tell everyone that he would do anything for them. If they ever got into a jam, just come to him and he would help them out. And he would, at first. The trouble was, he was robbing from other people to help his "new" potential victims out. Robbing Peter to pay Paul so to speak. I am always leery of someone who carries wads of cash. I just now assume, they cashed their paycheck and have no cash in the bank.
when he gets mad at someone, he will deliberately "punish" them. He will actually tell them, "well, you didn't do this for me, so I did not do this for you" Of course, he would tell them this after the damage was done. All the while, the friend thought he was helping him until it was too late.
Be wary of someone who has an entourage. The SP has to have admiration and respect. (Although it's not really earned) Like we need air to breathe, the SP needs to be worshipped to live.
However, I can see how an SP might have few friends and no entourage. It takes a master to pull the strings of several people at once. Mine is a master manipulator. It takes a lot of work and some SP's have bigger aspirations than others. But they are still a SP.
(CS)To Madison:
What do you mean when you use the title “Strong Christian”. The term to me, based on studying scripture, means a life submitted to God. John 14:15 says, “If you love me, you will obey my commandments.”
You are, in your own words, “pursuing” a man yet God reveals to us that we are to pursue him and his perfect will. This is solidified when Jesus himself said, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:37-40) If you loved your guy friend as yourself, would you really want to put him in a position of possible imprisonment to be with you? If your friend was loving you as himself, would he have taken your virginity with no intention of a committed relationship? Love looks to the best interest of the other person. What you two shared was the other L word; Lust.
You say you do not regret losing your virginity yet it is not God’s will that you give yourself away before marriage. 1 Corinthians 6:13 tells us, “Now the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body. Flee fornication. Every sin that man doeth is without (outside) the body; but he that commiteth fornication sinneth against his own body” We are warned in verses 9 and 10 to, “Be not deceived, fornicators” with not “inherit the kingdom of God.” What that means is if you fornicate, you do not go to heaven. If your destination isn’t heaven, where do you think it is?
The only way to re-establish, or establish (if you never truly had one) a relationship with God is to repent. This means to agree with God how wrong it is and turn away from the sin that separates us from him. We are mercifully forgiven, yet we cannot proceed in the destructive sin we were forgiven of, or our repentance is not really sincere on our part, is it? We can give lip service to those around us but let us not forget, God judges the heart.
If you do not believe what you did is wrong, spend some time in the word and in prayer. Ask God to reveal to you why it’s wrong. I’ll throw a couple reasons in for good measure: it takes our focus off of God and onto our flesh when we are called to live by the spirit of God and NOT the flesh, we can get some really nasty diseases, some of which are incurable or can render you sterile (oh that’s right, at 16 you already know how you’ll feel in 20 years about having children *sarcasm*)and can be contracted even with a condom, unintended pregnancy.
So please, really know what being a Christian is about before announcing to people that you are one. Hypocrisy is something Jesus hated, just look at the way he treated the “religious” folks of his day.
For the past 22 years I have been dealing with a sociopath, (my husband). I married him when I was very young and from the beginning I have always in some kind of way felt that I was being used. At first, I put it off as: well I'm young and maybe you have to give a little of yourself when you are married. I later realized that I was the only one giving. Today, I finally got rid of that SP. I, too, answered yes to almost all the questions in the article. This man has always mad everyone in my life miserable and he has a addictive personality too. (alcohol and now drugs). He beat me up because I told him I was not happy in the marriage; he went to jail and somehow he convinced his family and friends that it was all my fault that he beat me up. I told his MOTHER that I did not ask for a fractured nose, concussion, and busted eye socket. He had been seeing several women during our entire marriage and does not care if he hurts me or not. Our two children hate him and he does not live with us anymore but always tries to take credit for the things I do for them. I paid approx. $1,000 for my son's graduation and prom and he told all his friends to see what he gave him and had the nerve to get angry and violent when I corrected the issue. I am soo glad that this man is out of my life. I feel free and happy to live. If you have a SP near or around you RUN!!!!
my ex boyfriend lies cheats always goes back to ex's, i dont feel he cares about me everything else is more important its what he wants when he wants it, he gets bord really easy he always has to be doing something. he loves weed he does it 5 times a day and like3 or 4 before he goes to bed with his guy friend which he says he is but he doesnt tell me that theres girls there. and all this time hes been trying to get back with me. we dated for 9 months and he ruined my life he turned my friends against me and is trying to get me quit my job and move in with him which my parents hate him and im thinking that he doesnt want me to have anyone left. i am depressed and have alot of angziaty, im a pessimist i always think negative i let people take advantage of my kindness i am insacure and it wears you donw you can get illnesses from feeling this way ive been really sick for a while i have chronice epstien bar virus i even got my tauncels out.its serios. he has slept with my friends ive moved schools and he trys to get ppl to turn against me. like even my best friends. oh i hate it. and the thing is he goes to these parties alot and there in akron and columbus and he doesnt tell me till hes already there and had been drinking and smoking. i get fustrated and angry with him im tired of him always turning it on me macking me feel like the bad guy. and im starting to feel numb but care. ah i loved this man alot he was never this bad at all he was a player but we dated all school year and we always fought in school when were together its fine and great when he leaves we fight dont talk for a day. call eachother mean names put eachother down and it doesnt seem to faze him even when i talk about his past his mother chose a drugy boyfriend over her own son. he gets up set about that well did. and now hes a monster. and i wish he wasnt i just want to help him and i cant help him ahhh... what do i do??? do you think he is a sociopath. its also me telling you what he tells me how he feels so dont really go on the feelings part because thats what he tells me he doesnt think that him self. i dont even know him anymore. i should never be scared of him or have to go threw any of this i am a good person what is wrong with you people?? really i wish someone could just do it to you tare you down show you how it feels torcher you make u suffer. and then you would see. idk what to do or think about him.
CS,
your words are very familiar, for there was a time I spoke the way you did, and I talked to David about my religious beliefs and pointed out much of what you shared just now. He isn't a Christian, and I have always felt that it isn't a necessity to have a significant other who has your religion, as long as he respected mine. I do put God first most of the time, of course I make mistakes. I know I made a mistake by sleeping with him, but I also know God wouldn't want me to live a life in regret. If I dwelled on the subject and questioned my religion I soon would not be able to "handle it," and I believe God knows that. 1 Corinthians 10:13, "God will never give you anything you can't handle."
I have been suicidal in the past and I have learned to turn to God when in doubt. I still do, yes, less, and there is no excuse as to why, but I will continue turning to Jesus. I am slightly offended by your comment of kids. I intend on being a Broadway actress, and ever since I was about six years old, I have had this gut feeling it is wrong to have kids. I'm beginning to look inside myself and I'm beginning to see why. If I were to have a kid, I know I would give it 110% and love it immensely, but I also know that with the life I want, and will have...I couldn't pursue what I need to and also have a child. I often relate this feeling of "disgust with pregnancy" with homosexuals - sometimes something that is very unwanted to have, but they just are that way and there is no getting around it, and no fixing it. Not all, but some.
(CS)
Dear Madison,
First of all, I want to say that I’m deeply sorry that you’ve ever had suicidal thoughts. That is a very dark and scary place to be and I hope you never reach that point again. Sadly some of the decisions you’re making might very well put you there.
I went back and reread your original post. For some reason I overlooked the drug part the first time. Being involved with someone on heroin can destroy you. This is a very powerful drug that makes people do horrible things to get it. Robbing people, including loved ones, and sometimes robbing the drug dealers themselves which brings on retaliation. You could be injured or killed just being around this guy. There’s also a constant threat of the police coming for him and you getting tangled up in it. I’ve been there.
It seems as though he’s very influential over you, even in regards to your faith as you‘ve strayed from it to be with him. I’ve seen girls get addicted to drugs and throw their life away because their boyfriend was on it. I truly hope he’s out of your life for good. God wants so much more for you, and so do I. Really hope you can get to the point where you do too.
You are absolutely right that God doesn’t want you to live a life in regret. That’s why he gives us his perfect plan to follow. If we obey him, we won’t do the things we later regret. It’s out of his merciful love for us that he gives us these guidelines to follow. But due to our humanity, we can and do fail. Yet if we humble our hearts and admit our wrongs and ask him to forgive us, he is faithful. It’s like God hits our reset button. We start over, fresh and forgiven. So, no, once we’re forgiven and have turned from our sins, we should not keep dwelling on them and beating ourselves up. But this is only AFTER we’ve repented of them.
God, however, doesn’t agree with your stance on being with an unbelieving mate. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, “Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?” Who invented marriage? God. So who knows best how it should work?
An unbelieving spouse simply cannot love you the way God designed your heart to receive love from your husband. He is to love you as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for it. That means he has to die to self in order to put you first. The only way I’ve been able to die to self is by taking my focus off of myself and putting it on to God. Then he empowers me to love those around me with his unselfish form of love that can only be achieved through him. He is to treat you tenderly, as you are the weaker vessel. He is to dwell with you in understanding. How can he understand you if he doesn’t share the most important part of your life? Your faith. I highly recommend the movie, “Fireproof” as it shows marriage as God intended.
I apologize for the sarcastic comment. I later regretted sending that part as it is not my intention to offend you in any way. What I meant is that you have your whole life ahead of you and it’s hard to say right now how you’re going to feel 20 years down the line. So just try not to limit yourself yet. You may get to Broadway and find it’s not all you had envisioned. Who really knows? I hope whatever you do, wherever you go, you hold on tight to the Lord and have a life filled with joy.
I’m here if you want to talk.
I feel my ex husband is a sociopath. I don't want anything to do with him. As the matter of fact, I avoid him as much as possible. However, we have 2 children and I don't know what to do. We go to court and I try to explain his behavior and he lies and is charming and wins the judge's judgement. What do I do in regards to my children? I want him away from them. I need to protect my children and I am desperate.
I need some insight into my brother. He has many of the traits. My child hood is filled of memories of his cons, for money and parent love. He was never in trouble. And alway the victim.
Ten years ago at 16 he got into an accident and now has a frontal lobe brain injury. Now it is constant issues of stealing, gambling, promiscuity and of course the lying! He cant hold a job, finnish his therapy, develop friendships. He has our parents financially supporting him and still manages to scam thousands of dollars from them. If you give him money, it is gone as soon as possible with out anything to show for it. This is scary... when-ever confronted he well fly into a depression blaming rage with threats, to kill himself or burn down his condo. When my child was born it was instant competition and he was acting jealous. We just found out that he has fathered a child and had abandoned them. Talking to him he doesn't seem to have remorse.
Apparently he isn't suppose to have the intelligence to pull these manipulations off. He has been tested, he is suppose to have the mentality of a 14 year old. We are all over protective of him and the only time he is loving is when he needs something. It is hard to get him to come to family events such as holidays and when he does he watches TV or has to play a card game, and loves to win. I'm at wits end he treats his cat better than any body.
I feel fearful of when the day comes that I hold responsibility over this disabled person. Seeing all these hundreds of antics, (that I know of) happen to my parents, I can't imagine what else more he can do. Its just so completely shocking every time. So any ideas on how to bring the light to my enabling parents?
I'm commenting on my previous post and wow today is a better day. I finally don't feel crazy, overwhelmed or over sensitive. I'm removing myself from my brother and I'm not feeling guilty because I now understand that he doesn't. I have planned to have a talk with my parents about my brother and they know about this. I have given a month until this talk and I well have to stress that no opinions are personal.
My past 24 hours have been at church, and for the first time in a long time I didn't need to pray. I could just enjoy the love of God. I have spent 3 hours with my sister-in law who is a phycologist. Previously I have been ashamed to even talk about my family problems. Plus to my new nephew I'm sorry but I spoke to his mom and told her my concerns about his father. I didn't mention sociopath or any of my findings, but she already knows. I hope that he has so much love in his live that he never has to seek out his father.
My Vows For Dealing With My Sociopath.
#1. It is right to love you.
#2. Any time you break the law I will contact the authorities.
#3. I will not support you in any way, Except if you are getting help.
#4. You are to be limited from any children.
#5. I will not hold responsibility or try to fix any of your problems.
#6. I will forever stay true to my self and not let anyone convince me of:
* My feelings.
* My mental state,
* My personal beliefs.
#7. What-ever you do, is in no way my fault!
To Adam Khan, and everyone who is dealing with a sociopath please feel free to add to this list of vows. Plus it would be great and helpful to read how you avoid and disconnect with these people.
Those are good vows, except the first one. I don't know if it's necessarily bad. But I don't like it.
I would add something like, "I will try to have as little to do with sociopaths as possible." And maybe, "I will enjoy healthy relationships with people and enjoy my life in general."
I'm glad to know you don't feel crazy or overwhelmed any more. That's good news.
I read this article and it really opens my eyes....I dated someone for a yr and half and it has been an emotional roller coaster. From Physcial abuse to emotional abuse.....always feeling like im not cared about, not good enough, he would take take take and barely give back....always tell me i need to love him more....even if he doesnt show it....when we would argue he would leave......ignore me until im tears....he was able to do other things while im crying hoping he will care just a little. He has really beaten me down and its been 2mths and im still having a really rough time dealing with it....because im still getting nothing from him....i had to leave, pick and and move, because of the violence, he choked me and called me names.....he never once apoligized afterwards....he always made me feel like i deserved it i did something wrong and he never felt sorry for anything? never apoligizing....just continued to beat me down, no matter what I did......I really loved this person and gave them everything.....and now i just feel empty....used....alone....depressed about life....I dont know what to do from here, or how to move past this
I haven't really been a big blogger...but I have been reading alot of these posts....and I guess its safe to share my story....
I just got out of a physical, emotionally abusive relationship...its been 2mths and I am still wanting to go back.....
It started out as friends, we both work in the medical field....he liked me for 3yrs....was the sweetest, loving person.....I gave him a chance and from then on things went downhill.....from hitting me, to making me feel like its always my fault....to ignoring me when he did something wrong....ignoring me to the point im in tears, leaving because he can't talk....saying he loves me he'd never do it again, hes changed....to lying again, living in overdraft....im always feeling like i need to do more, give more, love more and it just kept getting worse....to the point he choked me.....I spent so much money, tears, love on someone who didnt appreciate it and I still feel bad for him?
Is this normal? I feel like I got beat down so hard and I can't go back....even after his rage the last time, he never said sorry-actually in the whole relationship he never openly said sorry.....i had to tell him this is when u should say sorry....feel bad...i would have to tell him to mean things...show in actions....and he couldn't do that....it was a constant cycle of bringing me down, using me....in every way he could....I feel worthless, hopeless....emotionally drained...
Luckily I have a good family and friends who care....but this is defiitely the worse thing that has happened to me in my life (even worse than dealing with cancer)
Im am just so low and I think its time to see a professional....Ive tried consuming myself with the gym and work....but its so hard to get through a day without caring about him or thinking why he just couldnt love me.....and really if he did its fake....its so hard to be in a relationship where they never give back....take take take and feel nothing? I dont understand I would bend over backwards for someone......do what i can to make something happy...even if I was sacrificing myself.....he knew that...he knew I didnt feel good about myself....he put me down probably never thought I would leave......and even now anything that he says has to do with himself....
You know i didnt think there were sometimes he cared....so its so hard to decide what was real or not.....Im tired of being hurt...tired of crying.....I want to get better just don't know how:(
I am the mother of a sociopath. I was taking nursing classes in 1987 when he was 12 and one of the classes was psychology. We lightly touched on anti social behavior and there were criteria listed (13 items) that determined a sociopath. My son fit EVERY SINGLE ONE. He'd already harmed animals, molested his younger sister, been diagnosed as ADHD and in need of special ed (I fought that and lost to "the system). He was in behavioral modification therapy in conjuction with the ADHD Dx, so I inquired of his doc about sociapath possibilities. I was told point blank he(my son) could not be a sociopath because he was not 18 years of age then. I asked what happens in the meantime and was told we watch closely and be careful. Right. Within 2 years he had raped his sister and been sent off to a school for the emotionally needy. He spent 20 months there and the staff was confounded by his personality. They refused to listen when I even inquired about anti social personality just because of his age. I asked then, so what, when he turns 18 he will be diagnosed as one or how will it work? I got affirmative on the 18 y.o Dx and a shrug about the rest. They had never had a parent request a child be tested or investigated for that Dx and seemed to feel maybe I wasn't such a hot momma. Well, they were sooooo wrong. When he turned 18 HE TURNED and the rest is history. He has abused his family verbally and emotionally and now that he has a common law wife and 2 children he uses them to punish us when we do not do what he wants or give him what he wants. He can turn on the charm in a flash, never accepts responsibility for his actions and I have had it. Recently he blamed his (adoptive at age 11) father & I for his problem at a job and said we will never see the grandkids again that he and his "wife" are taking them back to Loisiana where people care about them. I will not even bother to tell you all the help he has been given over the years as the story is much like the others, but I will tell you this. I will miss my grandchildren and I will keep them in prayer, but I will welcome back my sanity and sense of well being. I used to say I love him but someties I don't like him. Now, in all honesty, I must say I don't think I can love him anymore, he has worn me out. I hope others will take heart to know when they recognise this behavior in a loved one it is OK to let go to save yourself and other loved ones. I have prayed to God to help my son and I know the answer to my prayers will come in God's time and I may not ever see them, but my faith carries me anyhow. May God bless us all.
Because of a long list of my own insecurities (yadda yadda yadda), I fell victim to a beautiful lady sociopath when I was a young man of 19 years old. She was, quite literally, the belle of the ball everywhere she went. Funny, charming, interesting, etc. Everyone she met was quite captivated by her, and always complimented me (a socially awkward -and lovelorn- geek on landing her). From the stories she would tell, exciting things seemed to happen to her everywhere she went. Odd that she didn't really have any "old" friends, and that ALL of her exes avoided her like the plague.
Long story short, she ended up destroying my innocence. She slept around, and I never had a clue until my best friend (of all people) told me she seduced him and alliviated his guilt by telling him that I sexually abused her (ironically, a story she often told me about her ex-boyfriends and her father). I'm 34 now, and to be honest, still feel the effects of this. I trust very few women now, even those close to me, and regard just about everyone (especially the "interesting people") with suspicion.
The upside of all this is that I can pretty easily spot a sociopath from mile away. They differ from each other slightly, but it's the ways that they are similar that gives them away. I would say that to be very wary of people who seem to have had very hard, edgy, exciting, and dangerous lives, particularly if they want to make everyone they meet aware of this. My ex would go to the corner store to buy a six pack, and come back with stories of being mugged and talking the person out of it. I know this sounds ridiculous, but we were young and naive, and she was very charismatic. This sort of thing happened to her ALL THE TIME.
One more thing - As I said earlier, I have become pretty skilled at spotting sociopaths. I realize this may be messed up, but I derive pleasure from calling them on their bullshit and watching them become unhinged. It's especially fun to do this in front of people who seem to be buying their game. Watching them try to control their anger at losing control is very entertaining for me. I know this is wrong, but I can't shake the feeling that I need to get back at the person who made me this cynical asshole.
(ret0dd) I just posted my sorry tale of woe (i.e. "the beautiful lady sociopath"), and thought I'd share a few more ways I've been able to spot SPs. Granted, I'm a bit more paranoid and suspicious than most, so I could be worng, but for what it's worth...
-If you are an especially insecure or damaged person, and someone you may know seems to take a keen interest in why you are the way you are, be wary. Your first instinct may be to feel beholden to them for wanting to help you out, and this may be the case, but before you act on this, seriously ask yourself WHY they are so interested. Knowing what you do about SPs, this could be a big red flag. Try to learn what you can about their own life. Do they fit the profile? As has been mentioned here earlier, SPs have a hard time maintaining relationships. How many bridges has this person burned? Who do they blame for their past failures?
-On the same note, be wary of your own attraction to certain people (this is for the insecure and damaged people I mentioned earlier). Why are you drawn to them? Do they remind you of someone who may have hurt you when you were much more impressionable? Do they seem to "have it together" while you struggle? In regards to people who have been abused, this seems to be the best advise: stay away from people who you are attracted to. This seems messed up, I know. As damaged goods myself, I can sometimes initially spot an SP by my own feelings towards them (namely envy and curiosity - What makes them so special? Why are they so uneffected by all the f-ed up stuff that is thrown at them by life). Ironically, I feel a bit of contempt for people who have been hurt in the same way I have. It DOES seem like weakness, particularly when you are guilty of it as well. Don't misinterpret an SPs attitude for strength. I won't throw old cliches and platitudes at you, but real stength comes through feeling and understanding.
Sociopaths are compulsive liars, the problem with that is they can't remember their own lies, so their stories always change.
I could be like a sociopath and take advantage of other people if i wanted to, but i don't like playing pretend games.
People give me what i want for just been who i am, I don't need to lie and play pretend.
The only way they can feel good about themselves, is thinking they are superior to people they play their games with.
There is a difference between thinking you are something and actually being that something.
Seems to me they need to play their games to feel superior, as unconsiously they actually feel inferior(useless maybe).
Kind of makes me feel so much more superior to them, as i don't have to use other people to feel good about myself.
I love who i am ;)
CM here...I believe my daughter is in the process of divorcing a SP. He was very controlling during the marriage - she became very submissive and never disagreed with him - this from an extremely highly intelligent woman with a doctorate. Now that they are divorcing, he has decided he has to have majority custody of their 8 year old daughter. He does have another teenage daughter by his first wife...he has total custody of her - by making the ex seem to be paranoid-schizophenic. He is making false declarations that my daughter is a danger to their daughter. He says my daughter is an alcoholic and that she wrecked her car when she was drunk and that when they were at the same restaurant, she staggered up to him. I was with her when the car was wrecked...she hit the pole in the parking garage....and she was the designated driver at the restaurant. These are only a few of the lies he has presented to police officers, the family court negotiator, his lawyer and the judge in the case.
Now he's telling everyone she tried to "snatch" the daughter from school --- when he actually picked her up about two hours before school was out. The teacher in the classroom is being disciplined because of what he did. He had his daughter lie to the family court mediator, plus he submitted police reports where he had lied and he now has 80% custody of my granddaughter. He really doesn't want her...he sends her to play dates most of the time. I am so afraid for her...not just to be around him, but to be around her stepsister who is jealous of the younger girl. He just wants to win! Does anyone have any suggestions?
My sister is probably the worst person I've ever met in my life. I'm currently pregnant with my first child and only work 2 days a week being a server. I live with my dad because I am only seventeen years old and my boyfriend (22) is saving his money so we can get out of this house as soon as possible. Every penny I've ever earned my sister has stolen from me, I had a safe, she stole the key, I had a bank account, she discovered the pin, I hide my money ANYWHERE, she spys on me untill she finds it. She is 22 years old, doesn't have a job because she can have my money. She steals my dads truck all the time and leaves for days to her friends house where she does heroin. And even when friends and family confront her with proof of her actions, she denys everything. She feels no guilt or remorse that she is ruining my life by stealing my money. I need to save all that I get to I can buy things for my baby boy. She constantly lies and she LIVES from the drama off people she knows. She comes off to strangers as a sweet, loving, nice, girl, but then to family, I think she would kill all of us if she knew she wouldn't get caught. And he friends, she stabs them in the back, but then convinces them that, she didnt do anything and blames it on everybody else. She fits exactly the profile of a sociopath and I know I need to get out of this house when my baby is born because i honestly think that she will purposely try to harm him. My mom told when when my sister was younger she choked my brother and hand to keep them in separate rooms for the first 3 years of my brothers life. Because she hated him because she didn't get as many toys for christmas, and she didnt get the same amount of attention, and she didn't get enough money because me and my brother had to eat to. She has always been this way and nobody else see's it besides my mom, dad, brother, cousin, boyfriend, and a few of my friends. I wish everybody would understand so that they all can get out of her lives because she ruins everybody's life shes every been around. She trys to make her family feel bad for her when she knows that we all caught on. She trys to say how bad we all are and shes the only normal one in the family. My mom completly disowned her and I consider her dead to me. She lives at my dads house so shes constanly around me. I feel like i cant leave my room at anytime because she steals my make-up, hair straightener, jewelry, and everything else she thinks could be of value. She even sold my grandmothers wedding ring after she passed away. When my grandmother gave it to her and told her she could always remember her by wearing her ring. She robbed my yesterday for $150 and that was the last straw. Every since I got a job my sister has stolen all of my money.( thousands of dollars) And then my dad blames it on me for her stealing it. He stand up for her and gives her whatever she wants because she can control him and she knows it. My sister is a horrible person and I can honestly say I hate her. She is the only person I can say that about, and I can't wait until i can move out of my house. I never want to talk to that girl ever again in my entire life.
I've been helping a friend who got into a relationship with a SP. It took me almost 2 years to understand this guy was a SP. The hardest part was finally understanding what a SP is. They are almost inhuman... no conscience, no guilt, will say anything... and they're charming and can be funny and entertaining to those outside their victimization. I'm 50 years old and have just come to understand what an SP is. They are truly awful people... and really do seem almost inhuman to me. Perhaps the word evil describes them best. The destruction they cause is immense... they hurt peoples lives, wealth and health. I wish I had understood what an SP is ealreir in my life. It's almost unbelieveable when it finally dawns on you and you "get it" about what an SP is. The devil on Earth.
I WAS MARRIED TO A SOCIAPATH WHO DELIBERATELY TRIES TO MAKE MY LIFE MISERABLE ON A DAILY BASIS. MOREOVER, HE WAS AN OFFICER IN THE AIRFORCE - BEFORE RETIRING - AND WAS ABLE TO GET CUSTODY OF MY TWO BABIES. THE FACT IS, I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT HE IS A SOCIAPATH, BUT BECAUSE HE WAS A HIGH RANKING MILITARY OFFICER, AT ONE POINT, THE COURTS HAVE GIVEN HIM INSTANT CREDIBILITY DESPITE THE FACT THAT IT'S SO OBVIOUS HE LIES ALL THE TIME - ALL THE TIME - I MEAN EVERYTIME HE OPENS HIS MOUTH. IN FACT, I'VE SEEN THE THING WHERE HE COPIES WHAT PEOPLE SAY AND DO IN AN EFFORT TO COME ACROSS AS TELLING THE TRUTH, YET, TRYING TO GET ANYONE WHO MATTERS TO LISTEN IS LIKE A WASTE OF BREATH. MEANWHILE, I'D LOVE TO SEE HIM FALL OFF THE EDGE OF THE EARTH OR SOMETHING; TO JUST DISAPPEAR; ANYTHING. AND LET ME TELL YOU, JUST PRIOR TO FILING FOR DIVORCE AND CUSTODY, HE WOULD DO THINGS LIKE SECRETLY TURNOFF THE REFRIGERATOR, HOPING THE FOOD WOULD SPOIL AND THE HOUSE WOULD SMELL JUST TO MAKE IT APPEAR I KEPT A FILTHY HOUSE; HE'D, ALSO, TAKE SOAK AND WET CLOTHES OUT OF THE WASH AND LEAVE THEM ON THE TOP OF THE MACHINE; HE CONVINCED ME TO GET A JOB VOLUNTEERING ON THE BASE SO THAT HE COULD TRASH THE HOUSE AND TAKE PICTURES WHILE I WAS GONE; HE EVEN CONVINCED ME TO PUT THE BABIES IN DAYCARE AND HE'D SECRETLY CHECK THEM OUT WHILE I WAS DOING VOLUNTEER WORK, TAKING THEM TO THE DOCTORS WHEN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WAS WRONG WITH THEM JUST SO HE COULD BASH ME AND MAKE IT APPEAR THAT HE WAS THE ONE CARING FOR THE CHILDREN. IN FACT, HE WAS MAKE A SECRET CASE FOR CUSTODY OF MY CHILDREN AND BY THE TIME I FOUND OUT; OMG! MOREOVER, IT GOES ON AND ON. APPROXIMATELY A YEAR AND A HALF AGO, HE REMARRIED - YOU'D THINK HE'D STOP - BUT NOPE. HIS FOCUS APPEARS TO BE ON MAKING ME MISERABLE. THE QUESTION IS: HOW DO I HAVE HIM KNOCKED OFF? JUST KIDDING! THE FACT IS, IT'S NO JOKE, I RESEARCHED EVERYTHING KNOWING HIS BEHAVIOR IS JUST NOT NORMAL AND LOOKING FOR ANSWERS TO WHAT MENTAL DISORDER HE HAS TO HAVE AND I CAME ACROSS SO MANY THAT FIT, LIKE BIPOLAR, NARCICIST, DEPRESSION, SOCIAPATH (FITS THE BEST) AND EVERYTHING. HE ADMITS HE'S GOT ANXIETIES, CLAIMS TO BE DISABLED BY ALLERGIES, WAS PREVIOUSLY PRESCRIBED ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, AND SEEMS TO DESPISE HIS OWN SISTER BECAUSE SHE ACCOMPLISHED GETTING INTO AN HONORS PROGRAM IN SCHOOL AND HE DIDN'T. MEANWHILE, I THINK HE MIGHT BE TRYING TO CONVINCE PEOPLE THAT I AM, SOMEHOW, THE STILL INTERESTED AND PERHAPS JEALOUS EX WHEN, IN FACT, IF I COULD BE SENT TO ANOTHER PLANET - WITH MY CHILDREN - I'D GO JUST TO GET AWAY FROM HIM. MOREOVER, HE'S A MONSTER AND THE COURTS HAD THE NERVE TO PUT MY TWO LITTLE BABIES IN HIS INCAPABLE CARE AND I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT WHAT I KNOW THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH WITHOUT MYSELF BREAKING DOWN. THE THING IS, I'VE SEEN LOTSOF GREAT DADS OUT THERE, MEN WHO PARTICIPATE IN THEIR CHILD'S LIVES, YET, THIS IS THE ONE THE COURT'S DECIDED TO GO AGAINST THE ODDS AND GIVE CUSTODY TO AND THESE JACKASSES DON'T EVEN GIVE A DAMN.
In my fiance's side of the family, there is a sister inlaw whom has created such heartache and misery among us. Just before I get started, I will give you an example of what I am dealing with and I hope someone will respond to this and tell me what they think.
I became a part of his family as a teenager, moved away, seven years later came back into his life and this is when it all began.
When she found out me and my fiance had just become engaged, she still did not know me because me and my significant other had been living in another city.
When she was informed of the new engagement by my fiances mother, the very first thing that she said was, " that little bitch will not take my spot in this familyl and I will see to that." further more, she stated, " I (her) was here first."
Although she wasn't "here" first, that is not the point.
And that is not even the beggining of it. Ever since that time and latert on I found out that even before that time, she has been lying, slandering and manipulating me and my fiances mother....all to find "her" place in the "family".
She has put my fiances mother in tears, bullied her, lied to and about her, spread filth about her and myself, and the list goes on.
The problem is she has nevr been given any reason for this, this woman thinksup a storm daily on how to cause such drama and fights and is so unbearable that my fiances mother has literally conjured up a special phone system for this sociopaths husband (her son) so that she can have as little to do with the sociopath as possible.
I have fallen victim to quite a few of them actually... I have HFA (high functioning autism) and have this awesome (sarcasm) ability to take everybody's word for gold.
I'm curious though, I never stayed the victim for very long. Was it that I'm so incredibly used to NOT being able to relate to people that I started dismissing all of their "connections" with me as BS?
Granted it took me a good while to come around, once I did, that was it-they were gone and I wasn't buying it anymore. Most of them worked their way into my home-living with me somehow or another, but all of them left shortly after.
I know a lot of people say that they will not go away, but once it is clear that the game is not working any longer and this person just stares at you like "I don't care what you are saying and it isn't going to bother me anymore", will fight or flight survival measures kick in?
I suppose I ask, because in my first experience, I was hounded by him after saying that was it and heading out. He did not leave in that situation, I did, but I didn't really care because he had not paid rent anyway so would be out regardless one way or another. He called for YEARS, even talking other people into calling to try to get my address and all of that. The last time he called anyone, they just said they didn't know where I lived or anything and to stop calling... I'm guessing after.... 7 years he finally got bored with it and moved on to someone else.
The second one, however, managed to get me to feel sorry for him and all and I allowed him to move in with my family. He was into drugs and such, but only upper type of things-he wouldn't sleep for days sometimes. I never caught him doing anything for a long time, so had no justification really except that he was finally starting to get on my nerves by being able to "relate" to me too much. Finally I found a spoon with some junk on it under the water heater, told him I was sick of the games, wasn't hearing it anymore, and just didn't want him around. I was very blunt, matter of fact, didn't feel sorry for him one bit when he tried to weasel his way back into my home, and he left... then again, when drugs are involved, perhaps he left just to find another person to let him in that he could take advantage of easily? I doubt he wanted me harping on him every day about it and having to try to keep up with it on a regular basis... too tedious I would think.
Sorry this is so long... I just got to thinking, I'm sure the easy target thing was just because of my ASD. I can't read people well anyway to begin with-I'm lucky I can sort through my own thoughts most of the time, let alone bother with dealing with someone else's. But I was just really curious as to whether or not it was also what got that guy to leave so quickly after I figured it out...
I don't have a whole lot of empathy-sympathy, yes, but empathy... that is a harder thing for me to process and put together. Sympathy will only take one so far, and if I'm feeling close enough to open up to someone about my emotions and such, then there is definitely a problem with that person... at least from my perspective. Once I make up my mind, I will not budge and am no longer the victim. That is that.
Any ideas?
For the past year and a half, I have been living with my mom and stepfather while recovering from a brain tumor. (healthy now! Yeah!) I'm leaving here this weekend to restart my own life and I am so looking forward to it.
On that sliding scale of sociopathy, I don't know where they place. But the majority of the questions I had to answer yes to for BOTH of them. I wonder how many socipathic couples there are?
They make me feel so worthless, so endebted to them, and yet they go to great lengths to do things for me, only to use their kind acts as hooks to try to control me and make me feel guilty for not returning the kindnesses with submission to their will.
I don't think either of them are even close to having any sort of potential to violence. However, the harm they do emotionally to everyone that chooses to be a part of their lives, particulalry me at the moment, hurts so much the pain often becomes physical.
I'm leaving them to feed on one another. I'm a Christian and I've prayed and tried my best to help them, only to be attacked and belittled.
My personal opinion is that lack of empathy and general self-centeredness, traits of the sociopath, are very common. I see it all the time in so many people, although I wouldn't call them sociopaths, most people certainly don't live up to their potential in unselfishness and are largely living for numero uno.
Having left a previous comment about my mom and step-dad, I was thinking and thought of a question to ask.
In the field of research on sociopathy, is there any research with children exploring thought patterns (logic patterns), that lead to sociopathy? I would like to do some reading in that area. I will continue to research it on my own, but would like to get help locating some sources.
My interest arose when thinking of the two named sources of sociopathy in the article, genetic, and mystery. I was thinking that the mystery may be in the thoughts that go on undetectable in the mind, logic patterns that children develop that lead to ways of thinking and seeing the world and others that exclude emotion. All of us have experienced how emotions, particularly negative emotions, can help us come to hasty conclusions and help us to take rash action.
Also, exposure to or the lack of exposure to paricular ideas that give rise to particular emotions may be a source of sociopathy. For instance, the idea of the unmerited and unconditional sacrifice of one's time, resources, and even life, simply for the benefit of another, is a concept that can give rise to great levels of emotion. Yet, if a child is never exposed to that sort of concept, self-sacrifice purely for the good of others, and instead is only ever exposed to and experiences the kind of "live for numero uno, dog-eat-dog, survival of the strong" sort of stuff that is all to common to the world, then they could more easily develop logic patterns that exclude emotions and concern for others and become more sociopathic.
Just a thought...
I was married twice to the same man. A man I have
come to realize was 90% sociopathic. The enormous guilt and post traumatic stress I have now, is to me, inexcuseable. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have had such a low regard for myself and my children? I am a grandmother now, and 22 years after our divorce, I am suffering more now than ever. I not only wasted my life staying with this sicko, but more importantly, I hurt my children's lives. So, if you are reading this wondering if your love one is a sociopath, then leave!. The fact that you are even wondering should be enough! Please, Respect yourself! You will ruin your life staying with this person.
I think I'm a Sociopath, I'm 16 and I have no feelings for anyone. I broke my girlfriend's heart and I don't really care, I've lied to my mother and father all my life, I steal, cheat, I've done horrible things that no one will ever know about. And I enjoy it...
Having been married to one for 23 years, finding the information and going to counseling, I am on the path to recovery. We have four kids. It was hell getting out of the marriage. My kids watched as he practically terrorized me and now wants us all just to be friends. He accuses me of "being mean" to him, turning the kids against him, blah blah blah. My issue now is stepping back from his family (he is one of 11). They simply do not believe that he has caused so much damage and are starting to blame me for the lack of relationship my kids have with their dad. I have decided that I need to leave that whole family behind....let my kids continue with any relationships they have within that family. I did warn my kids having a relationship with their father will never be the kind of relationship they see in other functional families.
HELP
i think i dont know, but i think it may be linked to this...i am always hurting other people i dont want to i know that i dont want to but i do every relatioship i have been in i cheat and then i tell them just to see them hurt...and then i make them feel bad like it was there fault i like to see them upset and hurting...its wrong!
i like causing physical pain also it makes me feel better than the other person in a way i find any excuse then i make them feel bad or lie about it i think how nice it would be to really hurt them physically, though you say a sociopath cant love?
i love my family alot so i dont know whats wrong with me if theres anything wrong at all...perhaps im just a bad person.
I finally left my husband after 25 years - he constantly lied and subtly manipulated me. He was basically lazy - would start different businesses (using my money) could be charming - always said the right thing but never ever took responsibilty for me or the children. He "draws a line" under the past when it didnt go according to how he thought the outcome should be - he would take risks with the children - driving whilst uninsured with them in the back and driving dangerously fast - he always felt he "deserved" posssessions - particularly new cars despite not paying the rent or mortgage. His eldest child told me he was a sociopath and I have now looked it up and he fits the bill totally with the exceptions of he never drank too much or had affairs. However he consistently made me feel useless whilst praising my abilities to others - although when I was made redundant in my 50s he was only concerned about "getting me back to work" and continuing to support the family financially. He ran up debts - owes me money - I had to use all my inheritance to keep the family. He was totally irresponsible but always charming and saying things like "I am doing my best but if that is not good enough there is nothing more I can do". Since I left him he reiterates the phrase "you left me" as an excuse not to support me or the now adult children in any way. He hardly ever contacts his children until recently when he contacted them to justify his behaviour towards he elderly mother who is housebound. The children do not believe him but I know he thinks that he has done his bit by ringing them and its not his fault if they dont want to have anything to do with him. I am however very concerned about his mother who he has persuaded to make over her house to him so he can "do it up" whilst he has already made enquiries about a state run old peoples home (she is in her 90s) The first solicitors he consuled with her refused to act as they thought he was bullying her but he has now find another firm of lawyers who have acted and he now owns the house. We have been separated for 6 years but not yet divorced (I cant afford to do so and have been told that under UK law I am unlikely to get any financial help from him as his assets are classed as inheritance and his work does not produce any sized income). Having read about what sociopaths are truly like, I am thinking it would be better for me to cut my losses and divorce him just to get him totally out of my life anyway, without any expectation of any sort of funds from him despite the fact that I am in debt with loans which I had to take out as he hasnt worked and he of course never pays back any loans I made to him. What a mess.
I'm writing because I could really use some perspective, but because I'm not certain this person is a sociopath, I'm uncomfortable talking about it to people we know. My ex-boyfriend is around thirty years old, very goal driven, friendly and confident. During our relationship, especially when he was pusuing me, he was very flattering, affectionate, attentive. It was almost a little overwhelming, but he was also really intent on my trusting him and would get offended when I seemed to question how certain he was about things working out and us having a future without us really knowing each other that well. I gave in and our relationship was a seemingly happy one. However, with little warning he became very angry and cold and ended things abruptly, placing all the blame on me for things I didn't know I was doing wrong. We were happy one minute with him telling me all the time how good I was to him and the next minute he hated me and cut off all communication. I felt completely shocked and devastated and spent a long time blaming myself. I eventually thought back to the relationship and things he did and said.. he would get angry with me when I didn't open up very quickly. He had control issues- we would only do what he wanted and go to the same places. He tried to control everything at his work, even though he wasn't an authority or even employed there for long. He called himself "the golden boy" and many of his stories were about how good he was at everything and how that entitled him to more than he received- with friends, at work, with his parents. He seemed to
I need some perspective, since because I'm not sure what I'm dealing with here, I don't want to share with people who know this person. My ex boyfriend is around thirty and is successful, together, friendly and very confident. Although I knew him casually from the past, we re-met months ago. He pursued me heavily and was very flattering and so sure that things would work out without us really knowing each other. He was very attentive and affectionate when we started dating, but seemed annoyed by my tentativenes about a new relationship. He expected my complete trust right away and seemed upset when I was reserved. Other than that, I thought the relationship was mostly good. He ended things abruptly and placed the blame on me, because I had told him that something he did bothered me. I was blindsided and so hurt. He became very cold and angry and then ended communication. It's like he became a different person overnight. I was devastated and spent a long time looking for answers and ended up blaming myself for everything. After a while, however, I was able to look back over the relationship.. (continued)
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He was very goal driven which I admired, but he also seemed to feel resentful for not getting things he said he "deserved": rewards and more control at work (a new job for him where he was younger than most of his superiors), control over situations with friends, and things from his parents. He frequently called himself "the good son" and "the golden boy" and many of his stories were about how special and good he is. He also very often turned conversations to himself and felt sorry for himself. He told me stories when we were dating about cheating on an ex and also taking a girlfriend from a best friend, and in these stories while he said he was wrong, he didn't show much emotion and placed the blame on the other people. It was the girl's fault and his friend shouldn't have taken it so hard. He even used this as a reason why he would never have a best friend again, because it's too much trouble. It didn't seem to hurt him that he did these things.
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He also would become angry over what I thought were comparitively trivial things, but that affected him, but show little to no emotion about seeing others hurt.
He admitted to me that he knew exactly how to manipulate his parents to get what he wants. He does say he loves them and his family. He admits to being able to make himself look like anything to anyone and being able to make anything look better than it is. He had dreams of going to Hollywood to be in a movie and admits to being a very good actor.
He could be controlling of me and the few times he showed anger towards me, it was because I didn't feel the way he thought I should. He became angry at me for being stressed one day and yelled at me. Another time he was very upset with me for not sharing about a hard day the minute I saw him. I felt like I couldn't do anything right sometimes and when he would hurt me, I would go home and cry and he would go have fun and act like nothing had happened the next day. These times were not frequent, though, and our relationship was a happy one. He was the one who would always talk about the future and the plan was to get married eventually.
When he ended things, he wouldn't talk to me and I felt completely devastated. I felt like he had all the control, and I couldn't get any closure, and it took me a long time to get on my feet again.
He recently returned without any warning and cornered me at my home explain himself and apologize. He said things weren't my fault and that if he hadn't made those mistakes, we would still be together. I told him that I forgave him but that things had really hurt me. I also told him I was blindsided and didn't know what I wanted to say, but he assured me that when I was ready to share what I had been through, he would be happy to listen. The next day I asked him to make time to call me, (I don't have his number any longer) so that I could get some closure finally. He didn't respond and when he did he said he was busy and asked to call the next week.
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I told him I wanted to talk, but I felt like he was having to control the situation by making me wait. This made him angry and he became cruel again. The last time we talked he showed me nothing but anger and defensiveness, no matter how patiently I listened to him and tried to explain how much I'd been hurt without making him feel attacked. It was like the more I opened up and tried to get him to empathize, the more cold and angry he became. When asked to put himself in someone else's place, he becomes angry or argumentative, or he insists that he is the bigger victim because everyone just misunderstands how good he is. But I saw his face and he didn't seem to feel much regret or sadness for hurting me. This may have been a mistake, but I finally told him how his lack of empathy concerns me when I look at his other signs of what might be this serious problem. He seemed argumentative and annoyed, and offended, but it didn't seem to hurt him. If someone accused me of seeming like I had no conscience, I would be devastated. I have no idea what to think. He isn't violent, but he has an underlying resentment and anger that makes him unable to relate to anyone else's feelings. It's all about him. Always. He makes excuses for every hurtful thing he does and I end up feeling insane. I feel like I'm a good communicator and careful to not attack, but I can't get through. Nothing touches his heart.
The most confusing part is, he is religious and involved in a non-profit. But even that seems to end up being about him- how good he is, how different he is from most people. But in his private life, he can't be bothered to deal with the people he hurts, instead he pushes them away by being cold.
I feel so confused and guilty for suspecting him of having this issue. But I also know that something doesn't add up. I've been in one relationship like this before, and it became dangerous for me. The current ex and I aren't in communication after our last talk. If he tries to talk with me again, should I hear him out or ask him to stay away? I don't like hurting people and if he is just hurting from past issues and has some narcism/trust issues that make it hard to empathize, I don't want to have made him worse by hurting him by giving up and telling him what I think. At the same time, I feel like I tried so hard to help him and relate to him, and he ended up scaring me a little with how angry my just having feelings makes him. What should I think?
(Help) Finding this website has probably been the "aha" moment in my life. I was in a relationship with a sociopath for 15 years. When we met I was 18 with a 3 month old son and he was 37. He was charming and manipulated me. I realise I allowed myself to be a victim but the things he did were unspeakable. I left two years ago and it was like my lungs filled with air. After several months I met a man (7 years younger than me) who seemed to be the opposite of my ex. When the ex realised I was dating, because he had been stalking me, he literally began a campaign to make my life a living hell. Any abuse I endured during our relationship paled in comparison to what this monster did after. His son from his first marriage told me he had never seen someone so obsessed with someone, that it was like a serial killer kind of obsession. My ex told his son that his goal was to see me end up homeless so I would come crawling back to him. And believe me if it weren't for my amazing family and friends who have literally saved me, I would be homeless. He has manipulated and brainwashed our 2 children and used them as pawns. He has conned the courts and mediators and coached my son to make up lies about me and my friends and family. This man's own adult children have stood by my side and will not speak to their father (4 of his 6 children have no relationship with him yet still remain close with me) and have written letters to the courts on my behalf but the mediator was so enamored by his charm she would not even read the letters. I have had 2 restraining orders against him, numerous calls to the police but because he has only threatened me and never been physical they overlook this despite him admitting in court that he told my son he was going to kill me. I am terrified because our 12 year old son exhibits many disturbing behaviors (compulsive lies, shows no remorse, harms other and seems to get pleasure from it, stealing, starting fires, sexual aggression towards classmates, obsession with violence and weapons) which have been present for most of his life and are continuing to get worse. Years of therapy have had no effect. He and his father are extremely close and plot against me and lie and when the therapist asked why he lied about me he told her he did it to hurt me. I am so afraid that he can't be helped, and I'm terrified for my 7 year old daughter and her safety. He picks on her and hurts her, and I can't protect her when she is with her father because in his eyes our son can do no wrong. I don't know what to do!!!
(Help) In addition to this, the man that I started dating for the last year and a half has turned out to be more like my ex than I could have imagined. His tactics are just more clever. I have caught him lying, cheating, you name it but he is very good at becoming "emotional" and crying and somehow making me feel that I did something to cause his behavior. We have been on and off many times and just when I start to recover and move on he pops back in my life and I get sucked back in. Every time the arguements get worse and he has an uncontrollable rage that has escallated each time. The last two times he became angry I knew for sure that I had done nothing to provoke it and I finally realise that even changing my approach did not change the outcome therefore it HAD to be him. Last week I was concerned about him and had a bad feeling so I drove to his house to find him in a drunken stupor. He was actually acting psychotic and saying he was a God and wanted to sacrifice humans and pour their blood all over him. He has always said he is better than others and can't stand other people and their happiness. He choked me and came after me with a knife but I managed to talk him down and get him to pass out. Why I ever went back after that I don't know but for a week things were really good and he seemed to finally be different and show the attention and consideration I had been waiting for all along. But 2 days ago we were out and he became angry for no apparent reason and told me to get away from him. He left me at a bar with his friends and then became angry because I stayed with them. I walked to his house and he threw me across the room and would not let me leave. I screamed at the top of my lungs and managed to get away and get home and call the police. When he heard I had reported it he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about or like I was crazy even though he has told his friends what happened last week. He started saying I hit him and he had an attorney. It literally made me sick to listen to him lie to me when it was me who was there. He is always ready to just walk away when we have arguments and will "shut off" and not talk and he knows that hurts me the most. I noticed the last time I talked to him that when he says he loves me and talks about being sad that things are over, I don't hear any real emotion in his voice. The only emotion I can say I believe now is his anger. Their is an intensity I have never seen before when he is angry and something in his eyes that is frighteningly inhuman. Anyway this is really long, but not only do I think he might be a sociopath as well, I wonder if he might be seriously dangerous. He has said that he fantasizes about killing people but I always blew it off because I can't comprehend someone really thinking that. But last week in his rage he said he killed a woman and her child because they "freaked" him out and he talked about human sacrifice and said he had done it once but next time it would be 2 people but they had to be willing. When I asked him what he was talking about he just ignored me and he was so drunk that I told myself he didn't know what he was talking about or maybe he was confusing something that happened in the war (he went to Iraq 3 times). I'm so scared and even writing this it seems so crazy! I have cut off contact with him but I'm beginning to wonder if he really has done something horrible or if he is going to do something horrible. Someone please tell me what I should do? Do I call the police? Would they even listen? I have no evidence just this sick feeling that something is wrong.
I almost married a man that i now believe is a narcassitic with mild to moderate sociopathy. His mother is borderline and has been after me with a vengance since her son and I got engaged. I didn't realize she was borderline untill I started researching how to handle a person with bi-polar personality disorder, which is what her family thinks she has. After alot of research, I think I finally can link everything together. My question is "How do I get this woman off of my back?" I have tried not responding. I have tried standing up for myself, which was not a good idea! Also, when her son and I broke up, he said he thought we needed to work on some things and he wanted to get back together. It sounded to me like he still wanted to get married to me, but wanted to be free for a little while. I have no doubt that this man is a narcassistic sociopath. Since I have discovered this, I do nothing but
tell him how great he is, when he calls, or I see him. I honestly still care for this man, but have no clue what to do here. I think he calls to make whoever he is with jealous. I am not sure of my role in his little game and want to know how to protect myself from him and his mom. Any suggestions welcomed!
For almost married with an almost borderline Mother in law. QUIT ANSWERING HIS PHONE CALLS! Ignore this family. Count your blessings you wised up before it was too late. The only way to protect yourself is to cut off all contact with him and his crazy mother.
I thank you for writing such an informative article.You put into words what I have lived with for years. I have seen & dealt with all of those traits in my mother & my sister. Three years ago I finally found the strength to cut them out of my life completely - even though they caused me much suffering over the years I still felt guilty over not wanting them in my life & every time I let them back in I would end up in a worse situation. And then they hurt my kids and my children & I will never be the same again.My sons' pain is much harder to bear than my own. Your article helped me to understand the things I already knew but had no name for or way of explaining.And perhaps a way of healing .
Fighting for my kids with Sociopathic mother!
I am currently fighting in court for custody of my two children.
After a very bitter divorce battle she has successfully alienated the children completely yet guardian and psychiatrist reports show that there is no reason for the adamant decisions that the children have come to.
My daughter who is 12 is now at an age considered to be “too old” to force contact, the same is happening to my son aged 10, im not very positive as the guardian gives me no indication whether I have a chance or not, yet she told me to hang in there and not to give up, one comment from her was “you have evidence now”?? (no encouragement shown)
My new partner investigated the “odd character” traits that my ex wife has and found “the sociopath” I was intrigued to find that she ticked every box, manipulation, adultery, lack of empathy, no conscience, controlling, violent, ideas of grandeur and a very convincing liar (even in court under oath)
I would just like to know if there is anyone who has fought in court and successfully demonstrated their ex wife as a sociopath and won custody in a contested residence hearing.
This is my last chance to help my children.
Any advice welcome.
Thanks
Why are people asking the advice of a sociopath? Do you expect a sociopath to be honest with you???
After 11 years of pain, I had a break through when read up on a Sociopath. My x-husband is indeed a sociopath, charming, good-looking,and extremely intelligent. He used all those characteristics to manipulate me and then he through me to the wolves with no remorse. He dated me, caressed me, bought me nice gifts and I fell hard. We dated for 10 yrs on and off but he told not to tell anyone. I thought that this was because he was white and I was black. The sex was soooooo good and he was so nice that I settled. After a night of insane passion, he would act like he didn't know me in the a.m. Life got more interesting. I got pregnant. He ask me to have an abortion and I did. I got pregnant again but this time we had split up for a little bit so, I did not think it was his baby. I told him that I thought it could be. He said NO! WHAT DO YOU WANT! I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. Had the baby. He was white. After 6 wks. I called him crying and said it's yours. He didn't say anything-nothing. I hung up the phone. Almost 2 yrs later he called. He wanted to see the baby. We met. My son looked just like him. He played with him and left. Then, I receive a court order for a paternity test. Proof positive. He called me one night and said he loved me and wanted me to move with him. He wanted to marry me. We move in. He treated me horribly:wouldn't invite me to go out with his friends, would take pictures of my son to parties and not invite me, told everyone that I was black before telling them my name, he told his parents that he had just found out about our son. I once interviewed for a job and used him for a reference and he said something negative. I did get the job.I told him to go on an all expense paid trip with me sponsored by my work and he didn't want to get on the plane with me. He went anyway but, sat like a 10 yr. old the whole trip. A whore he was. He asked me about every woman on the trip. One day to my suprise, he called me on the telephone asked me to marry him. I said sure. At the wedding he paid me no attention. When we cut the cake he said, DO NOT SMASH THAT IN MY FACE. Later, he danced with my big booty cousin who he had never met. I forgot to mentioned when we returned home from the trip, he started having sex with his friend-a girl. He brought her to my house. She called him every night and he talked to her. When I asked him about it. He said I was crazy. Before the wedding I found out that I was pregnant again. He told me to get another abortion. I told him that I wanted the baby. He stop speaking to me. No sex wedding night. I had another abortion and tubligation. He left me 2 months later. He knew I believed in GOD. He told me that he did not believe in GOD, he only told me that to get me to move in with him and change my son's last name. He lied to his parents about me and this bothered me for yrs. He hid my things from me so, I could find my purse, keys, in the a.m. He called the police on me and told them I was crazy. I couldn't tell anyone. He told me he wanted a divorce. I disagreed. He stopped talking to me period. One day, I filed for a divorce and he told his parents that I filed -not him. I moved out. For the last 11 years he has continued to fight with me about visitation. This costed me thousands of dollars in court. He caused me to lose a HUGE job that was out of town because he would not agree to the move (control). He tried to take my son from me. I tried to deal with him but everytime I did, he did something to harm me. This man is a monster. Every chance he gets he tries to harm me. Now I know for sure that it wasn't me. I no longer have to ask myself, how come he didn't love me, how could he hurt me like that, why was he after me like this. Well,I win now because I know that this is a psychotic disorder. I don't even speak to him. I only pray that he doesn't hurt my child to harm me because I (black woman) can't convince a judge that this caucasian man with an IQ out the roof is truely a nut. Thanks for allowing me a venue to tell it all.
L.E.E.
reading in detail about the
To Fighting for my Kids... I am in the middle of this same thing with the fact I just got a divorce after almost 15 years being married to one. I gave up so much to just get him out of my life thinking he would just go away. No such luck on my part, now he acts like he loves his kids and wants to be a part of their lives for the first time. It was all a game to get them so he could punish me for making him leave and divorcing him. I am in the middle of getting things right with the courts and prove he is not fit to be in my children's lives. I was smart though since I recorded every conversation we have ever had since he left the house and have his own words to use against him. There is no question he is not of sound mind. He is able to convince some people he is normal but those counselors that he can't then he calls them unprofessional idiots and never goes back, even when court ordered. I guess with the more information I have read that is a good thing since it will just make him a better Sociopath. I will pray for you and don't stop fighting for the mental and physical well being of your children.
(Bell) To the woman with the long posting who needs some perspective: Yep, you're dealing with an SP here. Everything you wrote points to it. He apparently found out that you're not quite as pliable and usable as he first assumed; therefore, he can't use you. You may have dodged a bullet here. You won't hurt this guy's feelings, so don't worry about that. You were only a tool to him and you are 100% replaceable. You can only hurt him with a personal attack on his superiority, like calling him "stupid" or saying he's inept in some way. There you go. Consider yourself lucky that he decided not to target you.
how many of those questions/characteristic does the person have to match, in order to be a sociopath? do they have to match every single one?
I hope someone will repond to this....my situation is extremely complicated and I'm not sure what to do. It's kinda a long story, but here it goes. My mom passed away from cancer this year in April. I am twenty years old and I live with my step-dad, 17 yr old brother, 11 yr old half-sis, 6 yr old half-brother, and a 5yr old half-brother. I attend college, go to work, and basically take care of my younger siblings(except for finanically). My step-dad is the problem and he has been for a long time, but especially now. He is making my life a living hell- I am trying so hard to make everything okay and it's not working. The way he acts leaves me confused. He fits the characteristics of a sociopath very well. He shows no emotion- espeially no emotion for the loss of my mother. Three weeks after her passing he started dating again-I rationalize that he wants to find a new mom for my siblings soon because my brother and I will be moving out to transfer to a higher lvl college. It's true that he can't work and take care of them all on his own- but 3 weeks after her death??? I've got my hands full and I do the majority of cleaning and taking care of my siblings-he tells me I do nothing and he does everything. He is never home- he's off on dates. He constantly makes me feel sorry for him, makes me feel like I owe him, and many times I have felt like he does not care about me. At the work place, he owns his own business and he treats everyone with kindness and many people admire him. On the other hand, at home he is full with rage and constantly yelling at everyone over little things. He is a very book smart kind of person and he always has to be doing something. I have confronted him concerning how he has hurt me with the things that he says- the result ended with me being the one with the problem and to get over it. I don't understand him- he makes me feel like I am the problem. I am trying my hardest and it's never good enough for him. I feel hurt and drained- I love all of my siblings very much- I worry for them when I leave. Any suggestions as to what I should do?
To the twenty year old whose mom passed away in April: Has your step-father always behaved this way or has it been since his wife's death? Read the article that explains the sociopath's characteristics and see if he fits the criteria before your mom's death. In your case, I think it's hard to say as a spouse's death and having such young kids is devastating. He may be having a difficult time dealing with the reality of it all. I strongly suggest you seek out counseling to help you cope with your step-father. You may start with counselors at your campus or look for free counseling through the state or county where you live. Ask a school counselor to refer you. You should qualify for free counseling since you are student. Please do this, whether or not he is a sociopath, someone could help guide you thru this tough time or help you in dealing with a sociopath.
I am unsure if I am a sociopath because while I have may of the signs, I do operate on guilt but only towards select populations-elderly, disabled. I haven't had a job in years and am always looking for a man to support me. I tell people exactly what they want to hear in order to get my way. I can turn the charm on, be the life of the party and throw compliments to people to gain their trust and sympathy. I do drink every weekend, go to clubs and try to pick up people to go to bed with, but I am looking for love and a stable real, relationship. The most confusing part of my personality is when in a relationship, I feel very in love and attached to the other person when they are in my company, but once I don't see them for a few days, it is as if I have forgotten them, they don't exist, they mean very little and I don't even miss them. It is as if I take the 'out of sight out of mind' adage to the extreme. Does anyone have any insight on this especially the last part?
I am just back at work after being sick for 9 weeks, I organise a project and my sociopath collgue has been assigned to it in my absence (well she has been through every other project)a senior manager asked me to move things back the way they were after my collgue changed things to suit her- she threw a tantrum and has spent the last two days making my life hell - over the change of a room...She thrives on drama, makes people feel sorry for her, puts people down in a way you can't put a finger on, seeks out weakness, makes you feel guilty, has no empathy etc, unloads her stress on you then skips away smiling.... The worst thing is that we are special needs teachers. I try to avoid her but can't.
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