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Featured Comment
"I have been married for twenty years to a man who lies, shows no emotion, had no interest in his children etc. I knew something was very wrong with him but could not put my finger on it, or knew there was a name for it. I found out he has been having sex with prostitutes and a lot of them for most if not all of our marriage. He is a Sociopath. He feels nothing for no one, is selfish, and could care less who he hurts.
"If you meet a man and he gives you clues that he might be a sociopath, run. Run like you have never run before; run like the wind and don't look back."
- April 9, 2011 2:52 AM
"If you meet a man and he gives you clues that he might be a sociopath, run. Run like you have never run before; run like the wind and don't look back."
- April 9, 2011 2:52 AM
Recommended Books:
Help For People Who Have Survived a Sociopath:
A psychotherapist who works with people surviving sociopaths has groups and individual sessions available most of the time. If her schedule is full, she will put you on a waiting list.
She was once married to a sociopath and, like so many others, had no idea until the bottom fell out of her life! She is now dedicated to supporting others who are going through this horrific experience. Email me if you have any questions for her. She would be happy to discuss anything regarding her practice or her experience.
She charges a fee, of course, but your insurance may cover it.
She was once married to a sociopath and, like so many others, had no idea until the bottom fell out of her life! She is now dedicated to supporting others who are going through this horrific experience. Email me if you have any questions for her. She would be happy to discuss anything regarding her practice or her experience.
She charges a fee, of course, but your insurance may cover it.
Support Groups:
Order of Protection Survivor:
A woman shares her story of living through the nightmare of having to file an Order of Protection against her husband while providing helpful resources for other women going through a similar scary situation: Order of Protection Survivor
Domestic Abuse Help:
If you are a victim of domestic abuse, find out what your options are.
Use this to find a local shelter in your area: United States DV Resources
Also, here's the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Use this to find a local shelter in your area: United States DV Resources
Also, here's the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Interview with Martha Stout
" . . . understanding this problem [sociopathy] creates an entire paradigm shift in the way we view human nature." - Dr. Martha Stout
Dr. Martha Stout
82 Marlborough Street
Boston, MA 02116 USA
On LivingHero.com is an interview with Dr. Martha Stout, clinical psychologist and bestselling, award-winning author on the subject of sociopathy.
For twenty-six years, she served as a Psychology Instructor in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and also taught at the Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology, Wellesley College, The New School for Social Research, and the National Institute of Mental Health. Dr. Stout has worked at Massachusetts General Hospital and McLean Psychiatric Hospital.
She is author of The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us, a National Bestseller and winner of a Books for a Better Life Award.
You may download the mp3 file for free, which will play in iTunes, RealPlayer, Windows Media Player and other media players or you may listen to it right here by clicking on the purple media player below. (The interview is about 30 minutes long.)
You can contact Martha Stout here:Dr. Martha Stout
82 Marlborough Street
Boston, MA 02116 USA
Psychopathy Awareness
An informative blog: Psychopathy Awareness.
Post Comments
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And make sure you subscribe to the comments so you know when someone answers you (you'll see a little box to click when you leave your comment).
And make sure you subscribe to the comments so you know when someone answers you (you'll see a little box to click when you leave your comment).
| + | What is a Psychopath? | |
| | This link goes to an answer from a psychopath research organization. And the link below goes to a discussion forum by the same organization. | |
| + | Topics include: Psychopath in your life | |
| | Parents - Children | |
| + | Psychopath in the Family | |
| | Parents - Siblings |
Save the World
Martha Stout said if more people knew about sociopaths there would be less war in the world. I think she's right. Consider these facts:
1. According to the famous Milgram experiments, 65 percent of people will follow the orders of an authority.
2. Sociopaths want to win. They seek control. They are excellent manipulators. They don't care who gets hurt. They don't care who lives or dies.
3. They sometimes make it to positions of power. And they cause wars.
If more people knew the characteristics of a sociopath, more people would identify them for what they are before they gain too much authority and power. A sociopath would then be less likely to ever gain significantly powerful positions.
Result: Fewer wars.
There would be less horror in the world.
The truth is, even though it is a common belief that "man is a violent species," we are not. But when a sociopath gains a position of supreme authority and they start wars, 65 percent will obey authority, and most of the rest will be fooled and manipulated into believing in supporting the cause. The result is war. And many of those who fight in them feel terrible about the whole thing. They don't want to kill. They feel they have to.
The reason sociopaths are able to get away with as much as they do is because most people are so ignorant about the topic.
Now listen: You are in a unique position to save the world. Not very many people know about such a thing as "common, everyday sociopaths." They don't know their characteristics. They don't know how to spot them.
But you do.
Share your knowledge. Share it far and wide and in every way you can. And urge everyone you know to help you spread the knowledge. This could change the course of history. It could go a long way toward real peace on earth.
1. According to the famous Milgram experiments, 65 percent of people will follow the orders of an authority.
2. Sociopaths want to win. They seek control. They are excellent manipulators. They don't care who gets hurt. They don't care who lives or dies.
3. They sometimes make it to positions of power. And they cause wars.
If more people knew the characteristics of a sociopath, more people would identify them for what they are before they gain too much authority and power. A sociopath would then be less likely to ever gain significantly powerful positions.
Result: Fewer wars.
There would be less horror in the world.
The truth is, even though it is a common belief that "man is a violent species," we are not. But when a sociopath gains a position of supreme authority and they start wars, 65 percent will obey authority, and most of the rest will be fooled and manipulated into believing in supporting the cause. The result is war. And many of those who fight in them feel terrible about the whole thing. They don't want to kill. They feel they have to.
The reason sociopaths are able to get away with as much as they do is because most people are so ignorant about the topic.
Now listen: You are in a unique position to save the world. Not very many people know about such a thing as "common, everyday sociopaths." They don't know their characteristics. They don't know how to spot them.
But you do.
Share your knowledge. Share it far and wide and in every way you can. And urge everyone you know to help you spread the knowledge. This could change the course of history. It could go a long way toward real peace on earth.
WikiHow on Sociopathy
WikiHow has several articles on sociopaths:
How to Deal With a Sociopath
How to Detect a Sociopath
How to Understand Sociopaths
How to Deal With a Sociopath
How to Detect a Sociopath
How to Understand Sociopaths
Scientific American Mind
In the September/October 2010 issue of Scientific American Mind is an article entitled, Inside the Mind of a Psychopath. Among other things, the reseachers wrote, "Aided by EEGs and brain scans, scientists have discovered that psychopaths possess significant impairments that affect their ability to feel emotions, read other people's cues and learn from their mistakes.
These deficiencies my be apparent in children who are as young as five years old.
When you tally trials, prison stays and inflicted damage, psychopaths cost us $250 billion to $400 billion a year.
The reseachers wrote:
Charming as they may seem, psychopaths can also be tone-deaf because they lack access to their own feelings and those of others. Imagine what it would be like never to be depressed or anxious, never to have regrets or low self-esteem but also never to care deeply for anyone or anything. Psychopaths' emotions are shallow: they feel irritated when they don't get their way and turn to risky behaviors for the flimsiest of reasons. Bereft of loyalties and passions, they wander through life, often straying into criminality on a whim — forgeries, thefts, assaults, even murders may be committed out of some trivial impulse. As for complex emotions such as devotion, guilt, or joy, theirs remains a textbook understanding — it has been said that they "know the words but not the music."
Dozens of studies reveal that psychopaths experience the world differently from other people. They have trouble making appropriate moral value judgments and putting the brakes on their impulses. They are also hampered in how they respond to emotions, language and distractions — a disconnect that is sometimes seen as early as age five.
Psychopaths are notable for their fearlessness: when confronted with images such as a looming attacker or a weapon aimed their way, they literally don't blink.
Chances are, you have met a psychopath. People with the disorder make up 0.5 to 1 percent of the general population. When you discount children, women (for reasons that remain a puzzle, few women are afflicted), and those who are already locked up, that translates to approximately 250,000 psychopaths living freely in the U.S.
Some researchers have estimated that as many as 500,000 psychopaths inhabit the U.S. prison system, and there may be another 250,000 more living freely — perhaps not committing serious crimes but still taking advantage of those around them.
Whatever the reasons, many psychiatrists are left with the false impression that psychopathy and antisocial personality disorder are the same. They are not. Antisocial personality disorder is a helpful diagnosis when the question is whether a person is likely to behave badly, but it does nothing to discriminate among criminals. Only one in five people with antisocial personality disorder is a psychopath.
The above was written by Kent A. Kiehl, a neuroscientist at the University of New Mexico, and Joshua W. Buckholtz, a PhD candidate in neuroscience at Vanderbilt University.
Contact them here:
Kent A. Kiehl
kkiehl@unm.edu
Joshua W. Buckholtz
joshua.buckholtz@vanderbilt.edu
These deficiencies my be apparent in children who are as young as five years old.
When you tally trials, prison stays and inflicted damage, psychopaths cost us $250 billion to $400 billion a year.
The reseachers wrote:
Charming as they may seem, psychopaths can also be tone-deaf because they lack access to their own feelings and those of others. Imagine what it would be like never to be depressed or anxious, never to have regrets or low self-esteem but also never to care deeply for anyone or anything. Psychopaths' emotions are shallow: they feel irritated when they don't get their way and turn to risky behaviors for the flimsiest of reasons. Bereft of loyalties and passions, they wander through life, often straying into criminality on a whim — forgeries, thefts, assaults, even murders may be committed out of some trivial impulse. As for complex emotions such as devotion, guilt, or joy, theirs remains a textbook understanding — it has been said that they "know the words but not the music."
Dozens of studies reveal that psychopaths experience the world differently from other people. They have trouble making appropriate moral value judgments and putting the brakes on their impulses. They are also hampered in how they respond to emotions, language and distractions — a disconnect that is sometimes seen as early as age five.
Psychopaths are notable for their fearlessness: when confronted with images such as a looming attacker or a weapon aimed their way, they literally don't blink.
Chances are, you have met a psychopath. People with the disorder make up 0.5 to 1 percent of the general population. When you discount children, women (for reasons that remain a puzzle, few women are afflicted), and those who are already locked up, that translates to approximately 250,000 psychopaths living freely in the U.S.
Some researchers have estimated that as many as 500,000 psychopaths inhabit the U.S. prison system, and there may be another 250,000 more living freely — perhaps not committing serious crimes but still taking advantage of those around them.
Whatever the reasons, many psychiatrists are left with the false impression that psychopathy and antisocial personality disorder are the same. They are not. Antisocial personality disorder is a helpful diagnosis when the question is whether a person is likely to behave badly, but it does nothing to discriminate among criminals. Only one in five people with antisocial personality disorder is a psychopath.
The above was written by Kent A. Kiehl, a neuroscientist at the University of New Mexico, and Joshua W. Buckholtz, a PhD candidate in neuroscience at Vanderbilt University.
Contact them here:
Kent A. Kiehl
kkiehl@unm.edu
Joshua W. Buckholtz
joshua.buckholtz@vanderbilt.edu
A Clarification on a Common Belief
"Man's inhumanity to man" should be changed to, "Sociopath's inhumanity to normal humans." It doesn't have the same poetic feeling, but it is more accurate.
Contact Me
Email me here: rising.up@gmail.com
2,336 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 2001 – 2200 of 2336 Newer› Newest»Eric, if someone you emotionally sabatoged, and financially drained figured you out and confronted you telling you that they are done with you as they now know that you are a sociopath and they are not going to be manipulated by you any more. What would you do? How would you act? If this person has two small children do you think for the sake of the children they should be removed from her care?
I lived with a classic sociopath for 8 years without ever knowing that she was one. She was/is one of the best actress' I've ever seen! She lied, she stole everything from me, money, possessions, etc.She dismantled me emotionally and even though it's been a couple of years that I am not with her anymore (THANKFULLY), the mental games that she played on me was just disgusting and evil to say the least. People need to be so careful as to trust people that they 'think' they know..she's 'out there' somewhere sucking the life out of some poor unsuspecting target...Beware of someone with the initials HSR, a tattoo on her lower back of a 'tribal heart' in black and red, and 2 other tats on her light 'African-American' skin. She was last 'seen' living Orlando, Fl but she's moved around so often it's hard to keep track of where she'll turn up next..Charlottesville, VA might be next...just don't be so trusting with yourself, your possessions, your money...these people are extremely dangerous and have no hearts.
WOW! Im am a believer. My ex is a classic case. I knew he had issues, but I could not find a way to describe him. He believes he is a God, superior to society(which he told me himself). He thinks normal people are stupid and only there for his entertainment/ monetary gain. He runs a horse business that plays with humans emotions. Yet, he himself can shoot a horse and not blink. Animals and people are just objects which he can obtain and dismiss at any time with no attachments. He will lie to anyone if it gains him money...even if it causes someone great pain and huge losses.
He treated me like a slave...I gave and gave to help his business and tried desperatley to get him to show/feel emotions. I felt like I was always exhausting myself physically and emotionally....Meanwhile he would sit back and watch...once in a great while stepping in with a pathetic show of gratitude... I felt like his customers needed me...after all who would protect the horses from his abuse if I was not present?
I tried to leave many times. I was caught, held captive, and told he would change...only when I was completely broke down would he release his hold on me....I would grudge through life trying to make it better.
I even made a list...to try and make the ex happier....I made myself tell him several times a day what a great guy he was, how I appreciated how clean he kept his personal vehicle, etc, etc.....but it was suppose to go both ways...he never upheld his end.
Then I got pregnant.
We had a son and I wanted to leave- he never wanted to touch the baby or even hear it cry..that was a huge inconvienence to him. He NEVER changed a diaper or held our son unless I insisted for a photo. I feared leaving the child alone for any period of time with him.
He would mentally break down hearing the baby cry....he would turn the tv up...then start yelling about how he could not hear the tv...He'd go outside ranting...it was very scary.
I've been dating a man for about 6 months and just last week he told me he is a Sociopath. He does have a girlfriend he has lived with for 5 years. I should feel bad about being his mistress, but I don't. He isn't saying we will be together. She has 2 kids that aren't his, but the youngest is a boy and he seems so loyal to the boy. To the point he would give up his future for the boy.
So I'm trying to read up on what a Sociopath is. I've ordered a few books and thought I would post here while I wait for them to show up.
From what I have read in the few post here and in articles on-line. I'm thinking I should run, but I'm not convinced he is a Sociopath.
He is very good at showing many different emotions and I do know he suffers from PTSD. I've been in a low spot in my life and he came along and helped me to see things weren't so bad and I could do anything I set my mind to.
I tried to by him a few gifts and he accepted them and then asked how much they cost and paid me back and said we are just friends and you need your money for your house and I shouldn't buy things for him.
He is chamming and very fun to be around. He holds down a good paying job and seems to pay his bills. He has told me money is more important to him than anything.
So far he doesn't seem like a Sociopath to me. Do I have blinders on or is he setting me up to fit into his game?
As for me I must not be quite right since I don't have a problem with him having a girlfriend and that they have been together for so long. Not sure I see a future with this man, but I do like how he makes me feel and really don't want to give that up and yet I don't want to get in to deep.
Lady Kat
Eric, you need to get a life. If you are constantly obsessing about hurting, controlling, manipulating others, I suspect you don't have much going on professionally. If you are in an intellectual and demanding profession, you don't really have time to contrive your evil plans - you are too busy striving for success at your career (the only exception is if your career depends on manipulation, such as a politician.)
In a wierd way, focusing on these victims by repeated abuse towards them is putting them on a pedestal. they must be important enough to gain your attention.
Or maybe you just like to kick the dog. I don't know.
My sister is a sociopath and I have disowned her after years of discernment and sorrow. My life is now peaceful.
Truly, the only way to deal with someone like yourself is to laugh at them, or cry about them, then leave them.
If there is a hell, sociopaths will fill up the roster.
Eric, your kind do not scare me anymore. I can spot you a mile away. I can read the signs. It is quite simple, watch a sociopath's actions, not their words, and you will know them.
Lady Kat,
He's not staying with his girlfriend because she has a son...he's staying with her because he wants to. You are just that "extra" stimulation sociopaths have in their life to keep from getting bored. Don't fool yourself, you are just an object to relieve his boredom. And you gave him what all sociopaths love...a low point in your life where he could swoop in and play the "good" guy. That's where the manipulation began but I doubt you recognized it. Of course he's not going to take your gifts. It's not enough for him. He will wait patiently until you alone will not be enough. Then he will start to take more and more, more money, more time, more emotion and all your self esteem.
I do believe he stays with the girlfriend because of her son, but not because he loves her son. I think he sees her son like the man seen the train in an ealier post I read.
So a Sociopath will build up someone just to tear them down?
It looks like I need to find a constructive way to relieve my bordom. That was the one thing that drew me to him. He took away my boredom. I do feel all emotions, but I get bored easy and I'd rather feel anything than boredom.
Thank you for your post. It has helped me.
Lady Kat
I'm having to deal with a sociopath in my club.
He's negatively affecting friendships and behaving badly in general. We've got him to cut down on his drinking so that has improved things.
In trying to find out how to deal with this guy I've done some reading and thinking and sometimes I think that thousands of years ago, when we lived in caves, we were all extremely sociopathic and maybe the progress of civilization has had a lot to do with us recognizing that and consciously trying to be less sociopathic because of the rewards of doing so. This would be in sync with most sociopaths being intelligent and aware of their own condition.
(Simple)
I have read all these postings and everyone's thoughts and stories. I do not know if I am dealing with a sociopath, I know he is a man who has manipulated and hurt others to get what he wants. He has called people pawns in his game, boasting that he can get anything he wants. I recently left him as his name calling and drug abuse was getting way out of control. He made me feel guilty for what I have done and has suckered me in time in again to help him, then tosses me aside and tells me it is my fault. The head games have gotten to me to the point where I want to win. I want to hurt him make him see the darkness that he has woven over me. I know by reading on this that there is nothing I can do to make him feel bad or hurt cause he has no such feelings. It just really gets to me that these kinds of people are out there, and we are to just ... run away... The last comment I made to him was "I win" I don't know what that will do, I just don't want him to think hes won, or that he can just walk all over me... with everything I've been reading they want to win... so what would happen if they think that you think that you won... wow.. that was a tongue twister .. I have been with abusers who have hurt me, and I come from a pretty dark place to begin with.. what I do not want is for him to think he has won, that I am hurt, sad or scared of "what could happen".. I have taken the opportunity to let the local authorities know that I am wanting to get a restraining order from him.. But can only get one if there is a direct threat.. In this case there is not... How do you get even with a sociopath... How can you just walk away and say... oh that's how they are and i need to get away. I want him to pay I want him to know I win.. He looses.. Is this pointless.. He doses not scare me , as I've said I've been hurt by the best.. I would just like to expose him or drive him so far away from me.. Am I crazy or just sick that people get away with this kind of crap. I cannot just run away there has to be some kind of justice....?? . Any comments?
After reading these comments my first thought is; why is everyone feeding the sociopath? He's merely saying the same things over and over, what's so interesting?
I'm actually writing because now that my sons are 9 & 11, were sexually abused (got away with it, passed the lie detector test, has sent my oldest to the ER psych Hospital twice, etc. etc.),and I've been trying to divorce him for 27 months, the "family therapist" diagnosed the "dad" as a sociopath. I have no clue how I've been keeping us together and them smiling at least once a day, but it gets harder by the day. He won't stop until we're in the streets, and "I" am diagnosed as emotionally unstable. I have great sons that could be happy and be contribute instead of a detriment to society...but I need some help. Bad.
So here's a question for "ERIC." How do I protect my sons from being emotionally and sexually abused by him? How do I get him to turn his attention somewhere else, or to someone else? You seem to know how to get what you want. You are obviously very smart. So, tell me, how would I get the upper hand of someone like you? ...but of course not as good, since you're at least willing to accept who and what you are
This is for the "St Clair County Mom." You just described mine and my sons life. Exactly, perhaps worse, my sons were sexually abused. I'm in Wayne County. The system is corrupt from CPS to the judge. Unbelievable.
I'm going to the court of appeals to get my jurisdiction changed. I might just win. You should look up attorney "Richard Corriveau" in Northville. He is the best you or anyone else could ever find.
I wish we could connect. We could probably help each other.
in one of the first comments i noticed Eric had said it was impossible to be diagnosed as a sociopath at the age of 16. Currently i am 14, and recently very many people kept asking "What's wrong with you?!" after i had done something to a vulnerable person that may be considered 'mean' whereas i saw it as stating dominance. I seem to question the meaning of the emotion 'love' considering i have no understanding of how people can completely trust others because of it. i trust nobody but it is not the other way around. i cant think of 'guilt' as anything except for a 'slow-down.' Many people trust me to the point of which they tell me everything about them, such as family issues, relationship problems, etc... and i see this as simply an option of destruction that slowly becomes more deadly for that person. I also do not plan for anything bad, it just happens and i don't even realize that its happening. I do smoke marijuana but not often, maybe once every 2 months, and actually take advantage of those who trust me, and have weed. I do this simply so that they will share. I consider myself as a natural when it comes to acting. (even better than my sister who has been taking acting classes for the last 5-8 years) I personally love the ability to manipulate people, i even sometimes get them to change their minds about things just by saying a few words. I feel as if there is no other higher form of intelligence at my age level even though i receive grades is the B to D area. People will call me stupid at which point i will retaliate by saying something very personal about them in an offensive manner. I thoroughly believe i am a sociopath and love absolutely love it.
You say you want to get even, which is revenge, but that will take you down to his level. The best I can hope for you is to concentrate on having a happy and fulfilling life, but I know from experience it takes time to make peace with the past. Maybe therapy would speed this up. You have the advantage in seeing him for what he is. Justice? They are miserable people and their own worse enemy.
This is Graduated again. Updating from my 11-20-11 comments about my mother who have sociopathic charateristics.
I was trying to get guardianship of my sister who is disable. The Court, Ordered a Court Monitor to report on my allegations and the report she presented to the Court were in my mother's favor. So they set a hearing because my mother was ordered to select a co-guardian since my father passed this past June. She chose one of my sisters--the one who also have sociopathic charateristics.
I responded to the Court Monitor report because most of the information in the report were not adequate and she did not mention a lot of the information I gave her. The monitor report was 10 pages and my response were 6 pages. I mailed the report two days before the hearing
Prior to the hearing, we were sitting outside the courtroom and a lady walked by spoke to everyone but me--never looked my way (so I figured out that that must be the court monitor. I only spoke to her on the phone). Then, she proceeded to call my sister to the size and they spoke around the corner for about 10 minutes. I wondered what that was all about.
I tried to remember some of the comments I read in the article and from the books I ordered (Without Conscience by Dr. Hare and the sociopath next door by Dr. Stout). However, I got nervous in the hearing because my mother started making false statements about me and I tried to explain to the judge that they were not true. I think, now, that I should have not said anything because their sympathy were with my mother who is over 70.
I am going to let it go. I tried to tell them what is going on in the home. During the hearing, my mother now says I can come visit my sister. It has been 3 years. She chose Wednesday at 10:00am as her preferred day and time. This will be like going into the lion's den because I do not trust her.
What I decided to do is to take it slow because my sister have not seen me for 3 years. I decided to go the second Wednesday of every month starting this Wednesday and only stay a hour because I just do not trust my mother and I do not want to be in that environment no longer than that hour. They both are evil individuals (my mother and her co-guardian my sister) and I got this gut feeling they are still up to something.
The first time they start in on me I will definitely cut all ties with them and just pray for my sister because I know "God" will take care of her.
If anyone have any suggestions or comments please help!!!
Signed Graduated
Is Eric still posting? I haven't seen any response from you in awhile.
This has been very insightful. I would like Eric's opinion on my situation.
There are millions of mental illness and many symptoms of one overlap the other. A person can suffer from more than one illness at one time. I think maybe what I see most from bloggers posting on this site is they are looking for an answer of why they were choosen to be a victim and not looking inside themselves to understand why they invited the aggressor in. I have in my life been a sociopath’s wet dream, and in fact I must admit subconsciously I desired that person in my life. If you have a true wish to grow stronger and no longer live in these conditions do not think dissecting another will give you the answer you are looking for. This process of trying to understand the “why” only strengthens your stance as a victim. You are not a therapist, you can’t get in their head. You’re not wanted there and why in Gods name would you want to be? Oh I forgot you need answers, that is, some one to blame. A snake is a snake by nature true to it’s self it will never be a cat or a dog, it can not grow a conscience and why should he, he is snake he will live fine with out it and may starve with it. You can look inside of you and find what it is that makes you desire the “crazy” in your life. Do you wish to help, fix or heal ? Maybe your boring? Your family life as a child was crazy then you feel a bit of comfort in this. Understand that the “crazy” is filling a void in your life. Then step two put pen to paper and find out what makes you feel really good around that person. This is hard and you have to be honest if you honestly want to stop your addiction to “crazies”. I have to say for me they are exciting and interesting people and great at sex, I find there bull shit intriguing like a good movie they suck me in. Now list all the “crazies” in your life and what do they have in common? “Red flags” know them and know them well. Now the big question, you have to choose if you want them in or out of your life. At least you have the power to know what you are dealing with. If you choose for them to be in, well just like a snake handler don’t blame the snake if you get bit. Keep a journal, it is your friend when they mess with your mind. If you put it on paper when it happens you keep your own mind clear, you have the power to cut them loose at any time, know you have. Are you afraid of heartbreak? Well your trying to keep a wild animal as a pet. Keep your journal, have a normal as a witness if you need to or at least one to talk to and remind you it is just a movie you choose to go to. You can leave but no refunds on the ticket.
To the Dec. 13 post
I'm sure that every victim of a sociopath looks
within at some point and makes the decision to
run. And, my, guess is that 99.9% said their
life is much. I will, disagree with your accessment that they are exciting and interesting
people because I see them as liars, cons, cheaters
and thieves. These traits are not appealing to me. My life is much happier, now, and when I did
have to speak to my past sociopath - I through up for 2 days.
I would like to expand on my previous statement about sociopaths. One issue that victims face
after leaving a sociopath is that the sociopath got away with their destruction. But I don't believe that is the case. At some point the sociopath will die - as we all will and they may
have to face their deeds on the other side of
death. I, believe, that the person you are when you die - is the person you will be on the other side. You don't become a saint in the next life. They may be facing a horrible fate in that they are in a beautiful place surrounded
by conscious and good people but the sociopath
is not able to inflict pain and suffering on others. This may their hell that they have to
endure for some time. So, justice will prevail
and, rightly, so.
Sociopaths have a lot traits in common with vampires. They will mesmerize you with their eyes.
Stalk you, romance you, until you love in love with them. They will be everyone and everything you ever desired. You will feel loved like no one has ever loved you before. They will do anything romantic, sexual, extremely affectionate and loving. They will do major "ass kissing". They will use their sexuality without shame to entice you to love them. They will spend years, time and energy stalking you. Woe to you with you fall in love with the them. Once they have you the fun is over for them and the pain will begin for you. Sadly you are not the only one they were stalking. They are usually in 3 or 4 sexual relationships in the same time period. They are "rotten apples" spoiling the bunch. They will seduce your friends and relatives. Anyone that you value..they will turn against you with their sexuality. Don't try to figure out which one of your friends or family members they screwed. You will go crazy! You are just a tool to be used. I lived with one for 4 & 1/2 years. She kept with her lies and deceit. I kept waiting to see the person that I had fallen in love to come back. It was all a lie. She was so cold and dead inside. Full of hatred and anger. Like vampires you could not feel her presence.. it was like she was one of the "undead without a soul". She just stayed with me for my social connections and to have someone take care of her. Like a vampire she just sucked the life out of me. She would not leave, even though I tried to evict her 2 or 3 times. She was very violent, quick to anger and would disappear on the weekends with her numerous lovers. The more I tried to get her to leave the more stubborn she was to stay. She was a nightmare! One of my brothers died and I decided to make what ever peace I could with her. I was in love with her and knew that she was "sick". I didn't know about sociopaths. I made the mistake of thinking that if you loved them enough they would change. I asked her to marry me and begged her not to leave me! She got all happy..giggled..told me that she loved me and that she would marry me. She had me arrested the same week for domestic violence and stole everything of value from me while I was in jail. She had set me up and was romancing one of the cops that arrested me. She wanted to break my spirit and heart for the fun of it. She loved the drama of always fighting for the fun of it. She loved to see my reactions of pain when she did something to hurt me. My pain was her joy. Like a vampire.. she had me under her spell. It was all so surreal. Like a vampire, she disappeared. It wasn't anything I said or did..she was done with me and moved on. She quit her job and moved to Texas. Which was a real dumb move for her. She had a good job and could have bought a house and had all the lovers she wanted. But like a vampire she was a parasite..always living off others! Sociopath Survior 2011
I totally agree with the Dec 13 "crazies" post. The charm and intrigue drew me right in. A void was being filled for me in many ways. I felt ckmplete and whole with this person, he seemed to know me better than anyone. Is he a sociopath? I dont know. I do know he has a habit of lying. I definately love the snake comparison and the fact that ultimately a victim chooses to be a victim. Whatever he is, sociopath or not, I love him and if he chooses to have me in his life, I will be there. Without him, I am dead, I have no stimulation. He brought undying conversation, companionship,passion, and interesting stories, a chemistry I could not deny. I know he cannot or will not change and that is genuine whether or not anything else is.
Ree
I do not wonder "why" I was a victim nor know that I truly am a victim, as I opened myself up for it and gave much of myself for it. I wonder if the person I love is a soiciopath as he well liked, "helps" others while his own needs tend to be filled also, can be whatever a person needs him to be for periods of time, seems to have abandkned his children for the most part, is not steadily employed, can be very affectionate yet tirn it off like a faucet, is a consistent liar (can even keep each story straight with each person when telling each a different version). Can look you straight in the eye and tell what you want to hear or his version of the truth, has a criminal record, wants affection and much attention.
Ree
I do not wonder "why" I was a victim nor know that I truly am a victim, as I opened myself up for it and gave much of myself for it. I wonder if the person I love is a soiciopath as he well liked, "helps" others while his own needs tend to be filled also, can be whatever a person needs him to be for periods of time, seems to have abandkned his children for the most part, is not steadily employed, can be very affectionate yet turn it off like a faucet, is a consistent liar (can even keep each story straight with each person when telling each a different version). Can look you straight in the eye and tell what you want to hear or his version of the truth, has a criminal record, wants affection and much attention, has cheated in atleast one previous relationship more than once.
I do wonder why our relationship ended abruptly and if any of it was real for him as he claimed.
Ree
I know that leaving a sociopath is a process that
each victim has to go thru but the top priority
should be that the sociopath can not return love
and respect. And that really does damage the
the other person.
I was married to a sociopath and always felt that
he didn't love me and I was correct. I soon found
out he didn't love his child. Trust your instincts and listen to that voice inside. It's
telling you the truth.
While attempting to study this issue, in understanding the behavior of a woman in my life for the last years, I came across your article. The fact that you consistently refer to a sociopath as male, and the victims of a sociopath as female in each description (despite a small disclaimer towards the beginning) is truly uncalled for, as well as inaccurate.
Well, if it made you doubt the possibility of female sociopaths, you can rest assured, there ARE women sociopaths.
omg i have known for years my daughter was something..... andi n th elast 5 years i have figured it out she is 30 and has made my life a living hell. she is a sociapath to the max but she has bashed me and has so many followers .. i have decided to walk away and did so after christmas.. she wins i really dont no what the prize is but she wins .. i hate ti for my grand children whom she has brain washed along with 500 people on face book that i beat her her whole life which is so far from the truth i go to town people give me mean looks i mean ev eryone i went to school with she has destroyed my motherly reputation i have another daughter no one in my family my whole family is in her life now but that is th e way she wants it for her pity party i just need someone to talk to
all you victims deserve it. you got manipulated by someone smarter than you because your idiots. if you dont want to get hurt by a sociopath you have to outthink them. and by the way good luck at that. Recently i manipulated my family into giving me a box of wine which i gave to my grandmother. because im smarter than them and smarter than all you dumb as "victims". your adults get used to being screwed cause im 16 and a sociopath and i know it already. so why not screw everyone else along the way.
and if my comments arent posted thats bs cause everyone heres been putting down sociopaths. in my opinion were just a better strain of humans. why shouldnt we use it to our advantage. if anyone ever wants to have a chat email me id enjoy it. sezuan1@hotmail.com
I met my fiance 2 years ago and we got along so great, everything was wonderful, until I became pregnant.
Everything changed by the time I was 6 months pregnant, he became violent, manipulative, and all the lies he would make up about anything and everything. I have a 16 year old son and he put my son against me as well. Our baby is now 9 months old and after going to counseling with him, our therapist diagnosed him as a sociopath. I ended our relationship immediately, but I am afraid for my son, what if he grows up to have this disease.
To the January 1, post:
A therapist told me that heredity of SP is 50% DNA
and 50% enviornment. I hope this helps....
(the leper)
I think I'm a sociopath but I never understood what I was. I became a Christian almost ten years ago and over time God has helped me to better understand myself and my past. The only way I've survived this long is by pretending to like people so they will help me... give me a job, help me financially, give me rides to work or whatever... but I don't really seem to have any natural affection for anyone. I will show kindness to my parents n my boyfriend so they keep helping me but I'm getting tired of pretending i care when I don't and I almost want them to give up on me n cut me off cuz I'm sick of making their lives miserable... it's bad enough that im miserable and lonely and poor why should i stick around and make life miserable for them when they could be happy? thankfully i've found God and i know i have a soul and despite the fact that im abnormal i know god still cares and sent jesus to die for me and i've accepted his free gift of salvation and forgiveness for my many sins... i'd be happier in heaven than i am here... since there is no cure for me why not leave? maybe that's not the best answer but it's the easy way out...
btw for those who judge sociopaths like me and say we are all going to hell maybe you should look at your own life and realize your a sinner too... just cuz you're not screwed up like us do you think we chose this life? there is no reason we can not be forgiven for our sins and spend eternity in heaven the same as you... we are people too although i do understand how you could hate us when we hurt you and i recommend running from us too... i hate the devil for bringing sin into this world can't wait to see him burn but i wouldn't wish hell on even the worse person and neither would god... the bible says God is not willing that any should perish and he died for sinners... so for other sociopaths like me i suggest turning to god... i believe if i hadn't turned to god maybe i would've killed someone or something who knows? and ya if didn't get saved i'd probably end up in the hotest section of hell... im hoping the worse thing i ever do is commit suicide.. god help us and our victims.. sorry if my thoughts are random and disorganized
Wow....I now know what is wrong with my step daughter. I have known for a while something was off about her but did not know there was a technical term for it. There is however a cure. All of us could be sociopaths if we chose to. I however choose to be a good person. My step daughter however chooses to be a jerk. A self centered, me me me, who doesn't care about anyone or anything. She lies about everything to everyone because she likes the story (her words). She is extremely lazy with no goals and always seeks out weaker people than herself to befriend. She doesn't have a relationship with friends, her family here or her family in OK. She is fake when it comes to emotions and a cold fish. She is 16 and I cannot wait for her to turn 18 so she can get out of my house. She never keeps her word, always chooses to do the wrong thing, thinks she is the most beautiful sexy girl ever to grace this earth and GOD doesn't mean anything to her. She doesn't learn from her mistakes because in her mind she did not make any mistakes. She doesn't learn from punishment or confrontation because she does not hold herself accountable for anything she does. I hate that she decided to come live in our house (1 1/2 yrs ago) and that we decided to say yes and now her Ok family won't take her back so we are stuck with her. I would love to have her uterus removed so she doesn't produce offspring that will most likely be like her but unfortunately I can't find a doctor to perform a hysterectomy on a 16 yr old. You may think I sound heartless and kind of like a sociopath myself right now but this girl is a horrible excuse for a human being. And hopefully you never have to live with one or have one come into your life that you get stuck with because they are a minor. No wonder 2 years of therapy didn't work...all she was doing was getting some good material and insight on how to act. At least now I know it is not our fault that she will not change.
I have known two sociopaths in my life -- one my former best friend, a female, and the other, my current boss, a male. Both are in their mid forties, very good looking, with piercing blue eyes and blond hair. They look like angels and everyone falls in love with them upon first meeting them. My former best friend is twice divorced, has cheated on both husbands as well as on every man she ever dated. For many years she made me feel "guilty" for not supporting her enough, for not being a loyal enough friend, for not lying for her when she was sleeping around on one or the other of her husbands. The straw that broke the camel's back was when she hit on my husband (while I was out). Our friendship is over now , but I feel like I need closure by outing her somehow. Then, just as I ended my friendship with her, my boss came into my life. At first he was charming, funny, nice, and very complimentary. As time went on, I began to see his true colours being the perceptive person that I am. He is extremely promiscuous. In his senior government role, he has access to numerous women and treats them all as potential sexual conquests. I suspect he has had inappropriate sexual relations with hundreds of colleagues and subordinates. He is always dating at least three or four women at the same time, and spends his time at staff meetings blackberrying all of his girlfriends instead of paying attention to what people are saying at the meeeting. He bores very easily, he drinks excessively, bullies his staff, and has made many of them cry over the six years he has worked in this organization. He is paranoid, and accuses his staff of disloyalty to their faces. I can see that he is trying to make them feel guilty so that they bend over backwards to do his bidding which includes working ridiculous hours to accomplishing impossible tasks, before they burn out and finally quit. Since he came on board, the turnover in the organization has been very, very high. I want to stop him from hurting any more people, but many of the posts I have read so far have said that it is no use and that if you meet a sociopath, run away. Is there nothing I can do to bring this poor excuse of a human being to his knees?
To the January 6 post about her boss:
Do you really want to get into a ring with him?
I'm sure every person that has posted here felt
like getting revenge but those that didn't -
chose the best route. And I guess it is true -
when you do revenge - dig two holes; because when
I did revenge - I suffered.....
I have been wondering about my grandson since he was a little boy. He is 23 now and has gotten worse as he aged. I guess I didn't want to see what he really was. I am scared to death of him, and for him. I feel he is very dangerous to anyone who knows him. He has a criminal record. I want him off the streets. What do I do?
Should I turn my grandson in?
Tanya on Jan 6:
I'm curious about why you suffered after you took your revenge. I'm a victim of a sociopath and think about revenge almost every day. The people on this board recommend that you forget it and walk away but I can't. I want to expose him for what he is -- but anonymously so he won't know it's me. Can you shed some light as to why you say you actually dug two holes and then suffered? Thanks for any insight.
(Bell)
I was reading through these posts and I answered your riddle with the woman at the funeral correctly (after the 4 initial seconds of WTF?!). I am a normal person, come from a normal family, always optimistic, never hold grudges and I try to see the best in people I meet with.
what do you make of this?
Reply to the Jan. 11, 2012 - Regarding revenge
If, I understand your post correctly - you think of revenge
daily; so, in other words you have rented out a room in
your brain to this person that takes a lot of your energy
and time. I did this, also, for too many years and I wish
I had that time back to heal and move forward with my dreams and goals. What I have learned in the last few years is that revenge and guilt - are non productive and
I spent too many years in drama and wasteful time.
I know these are old posts. I'm not even sure that this site is still active. But I just had to reply to this. This actually sounds like she was sexually molested at a young age, maybe 8 or 9. Her anger at you is for not protecting her. Young children believe we can protect them from anything and therefore rationalize that some how you were responsible or her pain.This is a very angry child.
I want to thank everyone responsible for this site. I found it in a search for sociopath. I was looking for the meaning of sociopath because my son claims to be one. It was the first link I clicked on.I spent the last 4 hours reading the posts, completely intrigued and watching the entire explanation of why my life is what is it. All the explanations I could never understand. Amazing,brilliant, sad, and yet I feel such relief. My son is not a sociopath. I am not a sociopath. My mother is without a doubt in my mind, a sociopath. I wish I had run across it many many years ago. My relief is to stop feeling guilty because I do not love her. To stop wondering why everyone else can't see her for what she is. And to not throw her into revenge mode as I have mistakingly done in the past when I tried to get away from her. She reeked complete havoc on my life. I thought maybe I was because for years I had no emotions other than anger. When I made it away from her for a few years, I started evolving emotionally. I am still a very messed up person, but I am a nice one.My son who claims to be a sociopath, had a father who was actually diagnosed as a sociopath. But my son has emotions and empathy that he tries very hard to hide, but they are there. So you have answered my questions. Thank you! Christine
I'm glad this site could help you, Christine. Thanks for letting us know.
My husband and I adopted 3 kids all from the same family a year and a half ago. Their current ages are 8,10,11. They have all been diagnosed with attachment issues, PTSD, ADHD, and 2 have ODD. My daughter the 11 year old has also been diagnosed Bi Polar and R.A.D.(reactive attachment disorder) On the bipolar meds, we saw zero difference except more aggression. When she came into our house 2 years ago at age 9, she was the dream child, helpful, caring, wanted a mom and dad more then anything! But for me, after about a week I began to see the silent manipulation. She came up to me one day and said "I want dad to divorce you and marry me." She then laughed it off and my husband said she was just teasing, I think he was a bit flattered that she "cared" so much for him. Over the next few months I watched her tear our family apart. She would continually pin my husband and I against each other because she would be an angel in front of everyone and then treat me like I was worthless. The Dr.s just said it was because of her feelings for her parents. She manipulates her younger brothers to join in her trouble so she can "pin" it on someone else. She steals from all of us and then makes it look like one of our sons (they also lie, steal, and are destructive so it is difficult to tell, the difference is they have genuine remorse and will pay restitution she will not) She quietly terrorizes our 2 biological children. A year ago this Christmas I stopped talking to my family because she manipulated a situation with my biological daughter and my family believed my other daughter. Then they felt I was too harsh in making her play by herself and not with the other kids because she always causes problems and I don't trust her to play appropriately. I refuse to talk to them until they apologize to my bio daughter and agree to not get involved in our parenting. We still don't talk to my parents and my siblings nor my niece and nephew. I feel I have to protect all of my family. My husband has finally "seen the light" but will still argue that she is improving or that there is hope for improvement. I just don't see it.
Momof5 Continued...
I think she is just improving her skills of going under the radar. She only shows emotion when it effects her, an example is yesterday I would not believe her when she said she didn't steal something (I have come to point where I don't believe anything she says and I tell her that she has told so many lies that I wont believe her until I can prove she has told the truth, guilty until proven innocent) After yelling at me she didn't do it, she began crying, saying mom I really didn't do it, please believe me, why can't you believe me tears just streaming down her face. Part of me wanted to see her big blue eyes all red and filled with tears as a true sign of emotion and truth but the lie detector in me said don't buy it. I looked at her and said "let me know when you want to tell the truth, then we will talk again'" she stormed off to her room, stomping the whole way and slamming doors and hitting walls. We have hospitalized her 4 times in the last 8 months thinking it was medication or a need for, and trying to find her true diagnose, then I found this site. I believe she is a sociopath! We just admitted her again last night because she was pretending to have memory loss of the major tantrums she was throwing along with her lying and stealing. So I told her she must have split personalities now too and we needed to have the hospital check into this. All of the sudden after a full day of tantrums, memory loss and denying everything, she "awoke" and remembered her behavior trying to avoid the trip to the hospital. She went anyway, we need to have something confirmed so we can get her the help now while hopefully we can. I am at the point of numbness to her, I try and treat her the same, but at the slightest thing she does, I am done and would rather get as far from her as I can. I am tired of Dr.s, social workers, psychs, behavior coaches... and I feel bad for just checking out on the 11 year old little girl. I want to love her and have hope and faith that anyone can change (like I do for her 2 brothers) but I just can't seem to find it. Does anyone have advise for her or I? Does anyone know of proven help for kids? Are there other answers then "Cut them off" since she is 11 and our daughter? I want to send her to school for troubled kids so the rest of the family can find some "NORMAL" and begin to heal, but I don't know where and I feel guilty! Please help.
Tanya -- regarding revenge
When you finally took your revenge against your sociopath, didn't you feel that justice has been served or at the very least feel a sense of satisfaction? I'm curious about how you felt when you got revenge. So few of us get a chance to get back at our tormentor.
Well, I wanted to commit suicide after being emotionally involved with a "fireman" from Edmonton, AB. This man left his wife when she had cancer, cheated on her...said her family were Nazi's etc. His profile on Plenty of Fish said that he wanted to "meet interesting people". He claimed he was seperated, yet hid his profile on POF. This man disposed of women like they were yesterday's underwear. Unfortunately, I let him know that I was vulnerable. He tormented me, and always played the come here go way game. He continuosly tried to make me jealour, always called me for phone sex, internet sex, etc. I gave him my trust because he's a fireman. Fireman aren't supposed to be sociopaths. That bastard crushed me like a pop can. Right after Christmas he let me know via e mail that he has 'started seeing a friend' and he sent me not one, but 5 photographs of a necklace tree & curling iron stand he made for her in his woodworking shop. This man couldn't have cared less about my feelings, and that I was hurt. He announced this to me on the day that I told him that I was looking at having charges filed against the man that raped me when I was 7 years old. (Oh...and at the end of his e mail....he added..;oh, and I hope you have a wonderful day.) I phoned that @#$%^%$ and read him 2 lines describing sociopathic behaviour. I was very calm and nice over the phone, and then said, sound like anybody you know? Very quiet. I then added "life is very short- I am done...and NOW I'm going to have a wonderful day." I did not allow him to get one word in edge wise. (I also knew this man is still cheating on his wife, is illegally operating a woodworking business out of his home, cheating on his taxes and does not have a work permit. I also reported him to POF to get his profile removed, and I contacted his unsuspecting wife to tell her that I would be happy to go to court to help her get custody of her children.
I know this man will NEVER have compassion, kindness, mercy or feelings for anybody. It's all about how much he can hurt people, humiliate them, demean them...etc.
Ice water runs threw his veins. Sociopaths & Phychopaths are amongst every aspect of society. It's about dominance, the drama, the winning, boredom. It is the most EVIL thing that I have ever encountered. (I am involved in community policing....and this man is a 'Fireman'.) Any human being that can leave their wife when they have cancer, & cause another to nearly commit suicide is pure evil. If I was legally able to, without going to jail, I would rid the world of him because I know he will never get help and he will continue to sexually and emotionally exploit other women. Forget the B.S. about all firemen and policemen or women being decent human beings......oh YES for sure...Sociopaths and psychopaths exsist in these fields also. I am in counselling now, and consider myself lucky to have gotten away from this person. I have ZERO compassion for his illness. I have NEVER in my life wanted to see a human life extinguished. Pure Evil. (I would never do anything illegal) But I sure know one thing....karma's a bitch....only if you are, and one day....just one day...the player will be played....and I hope and I pray for his demise.
Hello all.
I put together a book of humor and inspiration for victims of sociopaths. It is my hope to give victims a lift out of that world of darkness. I self-published it last November. It is available on Amazon and other online retailers. It is a small book but worthy. It is titled "Laughter Effects: Humor and Inspiration for Victims of Sociopaths" by Andrea Irene Martin. I hope it helps.
I have sociopathic tendencies. I however, honestly believe I am not a true sociopath. I had the misfortune to be in a relationship with a sociopath, and I can now say that a sociopath can be a victim of a sociopath too. I have to say, since I never got attached in the two years I was with her I was able to enjoy the relationship. If I had known she was a sociopath when I was with her I wouldn't have gotten bored so quickly though. I can tell all of you people who still think sociopaths are just hurt individuals. Don't. There is hurt in us, but you will never see it. My father is the only one who truly understood the way I feel, but he's a sociopath too. What started this change in me I don't remember, but I do remember I was bullied for it fot most of my childhood. I would've been a sociopath anyway though, but maybe I wouldn't have grown to hate people so much. I can tell you all this honestly cause I don't see you as victims. Well I do, but then again you aren't because this is over the internet and I can't put a face to the "weaknesses" I see in your words and I don't care enough to find out. And for those of you who aren't sure what sociopaths want, it's simple. We want a victim who knows what we are and what things we will do, and is willing to allow us to do them. Don't you see? It's the ultimate "win".
what a trip it as been,just now starting to see the light...I'am NOT THE CRAZY ONE..omg,what I have had to deal with is unreal,so glad to read these post,an no I'am not alone...thank-you
Andrea, thank you for the resource. I just put it in our sidebar.
My partner was unknowing married to one for seventeen years, and had two children with her. They eventually divorced, and subdivided the property that they live on (so, she lived next door). I moved in, and after reading a book about corporate psychopathy, and then several other books, eventually discovered that she was a psychopathy. While I have sought professional counseling on this, the information on how one deals with a person like this is very scant; they all say run, which is not at all practical for my situation. I am fortunate in that she is incredibly lazy, which limits the damage that she does.
So, I am in need of practical solutions as running away isnt an option.
So, I think my Mother-in-law is a sociopath, and I have no idea what to do. She's a liar and a thief. She's been involved in many fraud and embezzlement schemes. Which she always seems to get away with. Most recetly she's involved her son in one of those schemes. His weakness is money, and she knows that by promising him some of it, he will assist in her crimes. She can stand there and lie to you without batting an eye, but is charming while doing it. She has a powerful and uncanny ability to discover the weakness of others and ... manipulate them for whatever she wants (myself included). She's living in the house of her dead friend (who suspiciously passed), and is currently using his personal debit card for her own expeses (and a vacation to Las Vegas). She's absolutely devoid of a conscience. She's a patholigical liar, and has no remorse what-so-ever. She's impulsive, and will NEVER accept responsibility for her lies. I've been dealing with her for 5+ years now, and it's just getting worse (or maybe I'm realizing who she really is). She honestly scares me. My husband makes excues for her behavior constantly. I would love nothing more than to remove her from my life, but my husband will not have it. We haven't had any children yet, although we'd love to soon. I love my husband to pieces. But, I just don't know what to do. I don't want my future children near her, and I know this will cause strain in the family. I'm feeling like my only option to get away from her is to divorce my husband. Even thinking about it breaks my heart….but I don't know what other options I have. Please help!
@anon 28.1.2012
the only way is to run and put some distance between you and her. Things will never change, she will never take any responsibility for her actions. All you can do is minimise your contact with her.
If you can't escape, play the game, but be careful. Let her think that she has duped you and that you're falling for her tricks. Pretend that you're falling for her flattery and that you're in awe of her grandiose self perceived worth...
Make her think that you're an easy ride and she will never suspect that it was you that informed the police of her frauds etc...
Their biggest weakness is that when then think you're conned, you can con them back... They are in reality so so predictable.
If you want children, I'd suggest you hold off until she's definitely off the scene as you don't want her with her false sickening flattery being rubbed on your children believe me.
Keep your thoughts to yourself, as remember blood is always thicker than water and her son will always give his mother the benefit of the doubt, logic and reasoning doesn't come into it.
As a safeguard, see if you can get her to recant her activities, lies and misdeeds, and record them with a dictaphone. Keep it safe, it might come in handy as the threat of being exposed is major fear for a SP.
Finally, remember you're not like this person, you'll learn a lot from her in respect of meeting other people who are similar, and of course see the warning signs, and evade their behaviours.
Best wishes and luck for the future.
zem
Hi, I'm 39 and have a terminally messed up life. In receipt of benefits for being mentally ill, the study of sociopaths is more a hazard of the life lived in particular corners of the subclasses. The problem is with the neighbours. They fit the criteria enormously. Nobody can do anything about them. Their tactics are devious and cunning. I made the mistake of trying to out them face to face. Wrong. I was victimised for a year which has simmered to mere foreboding of entering and leaving the flat.
We all live in a thinly walled six block apartment block 1-2 bedrooms each. I live alone. The couple opposite have a child. This child can be utilised as a defence of their actions(disrespect of others boundaries, the absolute denial of responsibility for any wrong doing on their part, outright lying with the advantage of majority witnessing in their favour and a complete lack of conscience or guilt for any hurt they cause. IE; the old girl below them on the ground floor gets a constant banging of their guests-of which there are many- over her frail head , daytime and night time.)If we dare to have even the slightest retort we a reprimanded as if we are the aggressors. Which makes me even more morally outraged. And you're right there is nothing we can do. They get complaints from our housing associations and rather than a normal person, who deigns to try not to do it in future their only concern is to try harder at getting away with their first insult better the next time around. How am I so sure these people are sociopaths? I've lived with them all my life in this sub-category of society. Hell maybe I'm the sociopath , right? But I checked and its been reactionary to these sociopaths and guilt is what has kept me from moving beyond these walls(And this crushing guilt was here long before we reasonable but very poor types were made aware of the sociopathic tendencies). There are times when it's felt like living in an open prison. It feels like all the sociopaths are being shipped off to the country town I live in. Because the criteria- and it's not for want of giving people the benefit of the doubt believe me- seems to befit almost 30% of people I come into contact with.
What do you think?
Easily morally Outraged
I was married to a sociopath for seven years it was a living hell he always blamed me for everything and almost anything, when we got together I had a child befor him he took us in his home was a dump but I had high hopes of us fixing it up to appropriate standards we ended up having two more children together but he was always blaming me for the kids crying he never helped me out in anyway I would always get after him constant ally I was exsausted and so overwhelmed by him he usto beat me up he would call me down and beat me punch me out kick me in the ribs and kick my knee in he would slam my face onto objects and then after blame for this saying he did not do that and I had a bruse there because I tripped he would tell the children that I was a liar and quite often tell them that they were listed when they spoke the truth. I always thought that he was cheating on me and hated how I felt that I was begin lied to regularly. He has spread terribal roumours around town about me and my family my mom and dad, my dad had to move because he is just the type who convinces extremely vounrable people he is not the only one who is a sociopath his mom dad sister and brother all have psychotic behaviors I went through total hell with him he sycked the life out of me and now he was arrested in October he beat me with the metal part of the broom he punched me in the side of the head as he has before in the past he punched me in the back and then tried to drag me across the room to throw me out the door all this when I was holding my five year old daughter he was arrested I called the cops and now we ate going through family court I have interm custody of the children and he wants 100 percent of them and he is lying about everything and trying to frame me he is stalking me and has other he has paid to watch and make not of the things I am doing I am so afraid not just for me but my children he is a total psychotic psychopath.. I don't really know what to do because if I leave he will follow dose anybody have any advice. Thanks for reading and for all of you saying ah I can handle it think twice because if your living with a sociopath than be aware of the potential they have they are extremely dangerous people most of them have me feelings only when you hurt do they ever feel good and don't have children with them it will be hell for you because they don't care trust me I was with one for seven years and the pain I have now will take years of councelling to help me feel more comfortable again I will never be the same because of his total hell I feel bad for my children if he gets any sort of access to them .
There is one type of sociopath who uses his destructive energy sexually, this type of sociopath or sexual psychopath is otherwise known as sexopath, please check http://sexopathy.blogspot.com to find out if you are dealing with a sexopath! or contact "your.daddy@theredlightdistrict.net"
anyone have any ideas to deal with this sadist? ? i know an older man who became addicted to internet porn with sadistic photos of torture, etc. when i found out on the history, it made me sick to my stomach. this was a macho, but caring, loving man before turning 70 or so, but as he got older, he seemed to be just so mean, manipulative and dark. should i be fearful of this man? how often do older people blur the line between this sick environment they enter into and real life?/ i live with him.
My ex husband has all of these signs. My mother has told me for years that he looks like Ted Bundy when he smiles. He goes to church three times a week, goes to college and volunteers his time to help people. He thinks he's God. It always his way and if it's not he gets very angry. He has served two years in prison for beating on a woman. I had a protection order against him while we were married because he tired to beat me up when I was pregnant with our son. Everything has to be his way. When I got full custody of our son he was really mad because he had lost. The problem that I'm having now is that my son is 5 and he cries every time his dad comes to pick him up. Some times he even hides, thinking his dad won't find him so he won't have to go. I have a court order that says he has to go. As I have read in many of the post they to run and get far away. How do I do that when I have a court order that tells me that I have to let him go? I worry about my son when he's gone. When he comes home I ask him what he did at his daddy's house and he says that he can't tell me because it's a secret. The only time he liked to go is when his step mom was there. They have only been married for 5 months and she already left. That's about how long it took for him to show his true colors with me. He also tells me that our son has no emotions. That is a lie. My son has a lot of emotions and knows how to express them. Can someone please help me or point me in the right direction to get help?
You must avail yourself of the resources in the sidebar here. You're in a tight spot, for sure. But there are things you can do about it.
We are being told that our 13 year old son may have Conduct disorder, which apparently is the "under 18" diagnosis for anti social behavior disorder. Reading your article it sounds like treating him or helping him is hopeless but I just can't believe there is nothing we can do for our son. They say he may burn down a building, rape or murder someone, whether or not there right, really what do we do.
Actually, age 13 might be early enough to do something about it. Look to the article, The Question of Kids, and scroll down to the latest information from Scientific American.
my son is in the process of a divorce and he and his ex-wife will share custody of their three children, ages 11,7 & 5. His ex-wife has all the characteristics of a sociopath. Her 15 year old daughter from a previous marriage also is showing this behavior. How do we protect the 3 little kids and provide them with a normal childhood when we can't convince the court system there is a problem?
We don't have many answers for parents needing to protect their children yet. Here's what we've got so far: The Question of Kids.
I hve been in a strange relationship for almost 12 yrs. He fit the list almost to a T except the not showing emotion, he is very affectionate but to the point of being too rough that it hurts me. he seems like a sex addict, who constantly wants sex and makes comments about other women whether it upsets me or not as you said they like any attention -even negative. he always makes me feel guilty about everything I do or say, has a negative attitude towards everything and everyone. Everything is always someone elses fault. if i make the mistake of pointing out the other person did nothing wrong, he says I never stick up for him and im not a good wife. he's very argumentitive and I've noticed lately i cant even give him a compliment like you look nice in those pants without him screaming at me well i dont like them their too short and on and on until it makes me cry and he always insults me call me names and bully's me to do wht he wants me to and if i dont an argument is stared and he will not let up til im crying and want to kill myself. their is so much more but does anyone have any feedback??? Please
Learn what you can to protect yourselves; I've learned a great deal about malignant narcissists, psychopaths/sociopaths from Dr. Sam Vaknin on his YouTube channel and from his book "Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited", but only after I divorced a bottom-of-the-barrel, worst-of-the-worst, Narcissistic, HISTRIONIC (SexAddict--research this term) Sociopath, who cheated on me countless times and bold-faced blamed me for my having "picking up the STD's that he infected me with. He actually charmed his family into believing that I picked up the STD's from public toilet seats instead of from him and they actually thought I lied about his numerous infidelities. I'm still in therapy to learn how to recover from having known him though I'm divorced from him. I appreciate all that you and others are teaching here and what I'm sure I'll learn from your books, recommended resources and web links. Knowledge empowers all of us surviving victims to move forward and avoid Histrionic (research this term) Sociopaths in our futures! I've only just recently estranged myself from yet another sociopath by avoiding her. What more can we do, but avoid them; they cannot be allowed in your lives--they are bent on destroying empaths like us who initially feel sorry for them. They CANNOT be rescued or taught how to better behave. They are the epitome of pure evil and wickedness; they are demons wearing skin!
Wow! I have been reading these comments for hours now but it has only taken a few minutes to understand that my son fits in with 90% of everything said here.Also I have answered ''yes'' to 12 out of the 13 questions,which leaves me in tears here and wondering what I shall do next. His ''latest girlfriend''has kicked him out ,he can never stay in a relationship because of his manipulative ,lying and agressive character. He has been living in my appartment for the past 3 months, 1 month was the agreement,but he comes up with every excuse in the book.. he does have plenty of $$ coming in but hasen't given me a dime for food etc... I am barely getting by but he doesn't care or feel quilty about taking my last dollar .Oh by the way he 39yrs.old His personal appearance is of sooo much importance to him .I never know how to speak to him ,everything i say rubs him the wrong way which makes him verbally agressive and loud. I have been divorced from his Dad for 20yrs.now and have just recently found someone I Love very dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with ,but i am afraid my son is trying to distroy my happiness for all his lies and deceitfulness are putting a strain on our relationship..My new love can not stand to hear the way my son belittles me and treats everyone around him. I want desperatly for him to leave my appartment and yes sometimes i do wish he would leave my life ,i have done for him the best that i could ,but i do have my limits and no matter what i do ITS NEVER ENOUGH ! what does a mother do ? please help me , i am on a dead end street here.
It is a hard fact, and it will take you some time to come to grips with it. But when you have, there is only one thing to do: Get your son out of your life. He will not like that. You are obviously a resource to him.
I suggest you check out the resources in the sidebar and consider talking to the therapist who specializes in victims of sociopaths.
My heart goes out to you. There is nothing easy about your situation. Good luck to you.
Is anyone aware of "faith" among sociopaths? Can that be used to determine whether someone is one... belief in a higher power?
I have read about some sociopaths being religious. So I don't think that would be a good way to distinguish between sociopaths and normal people. And since sociopaths can convincingly lie and mislead, they could appear religious but not be.
The Pope and most men that seek to control the Land and natural Will of Humans are Sociopaths. Anyone made to believe a war or man made book can be Holy and intercourse only for procreation are Sociopaths.
http://revcjconner.com/?p=60
"There are some good Church leaders out there, I can’t deny that. But if 20% of your top religious leaders are sociopathic, what does that mean for the identity of your denomination? What can we do when the vast majority of the 80% of the leaders who aren’t sociopathic have been totally and completely bamboozled and conscripted into the army of the sociopaths?"
My father is a sociopath, i was emotionally and verbally abused, con'd and manipulated for years because he has always been clever at keeping hold of his victims. a month ago when i caught him lying to get a few hundred dollars out of me, he has never felt any guilt for the things he does - finds other ways of justifying his actions. he verbally abused me when i told him i knew he lied to me. so I decided i could not cope and cut him off (i don't want my two kids suffering as i have because the man has NO boundaries) i feel bad saying these things about my own dad, but if he knew i was saying these things, he would feel nothing, he would say it is my warped opinion of him. i want to warn people - do not put yourself in the firing line of these people, no matter how badly you want them to feel something, slightest amount of guilt or empathy, it only angers them, and causes them to make you feel bad about your own life.
i don't know what to do at the moment because since i stopped talking to him or seeing him, he has been manipulating my sister (who still wants a relationship because she thinks it is the right thing to do, though she hasn't been driven to insanity yet...) to make me feel bad for my choice. his mum is also telling me he is my father and has every right to be part of my life and my kids. he is one of two sociopaths i have dealt with, i need to stay away, to protect my kids, i want them to have a normal life with normal influences, my partner and I feel like we need to move miles away from them and keep our location secret. we even fear them taking our kids.. what i have finally realised is that it is impossible to live a normal life when someone in your own family is a sociopath.
Some of you may want to delete your viewing history
If anyone with Sociopathy is reading this article, and this comment, you should try spending some time alone with your thoughts. It helped me (a little)
I'm sure that I have been married and divorced to a sociopath. I'm currently in councelling to help myself deal with the anguish, suffering, manipulation and disgust that I have for this person. My real fear here is that my ONLY son has chose to live with this person(his father). What should I do to protect my child?
You must do everything you can to talk your son out of it!
Read more: The Question of Kids.
Reply to Adam.... My son is already living with his dad. I tried to talk him out of it but it did not work. Its really a long story of how my son and I came to this point. It started with his dads control issues regarding normal teenage interests. He does not want him to have a job, car or social life. He wants my sons total attention on school... I have yet to see an acceptable report card and its been 3 mos.... I had a car for him and was encouraging him to get a job and start assuming some responsibility. There was an argument between me, my son and his dad over the ordeal. I thought my son and I had worked things out after the argument. He returned to his dad for visitation and did not come back... I was not allowed to go and retrieve my son on my visitation day. I was threatened that I would be sorry if I did. His dad has a history of violence with minimal provocation. So, I stayed away. I'm trying to maintain regular contact with my son but he does not try in return. I have read the comments on what its like to be married to a sociopath. I can totally relate. Your advice would be appreciated... Dawn
Hi Dawn,
What a terrible situation to find yourself in. My only advice is to get your son out of there. If you can do it through a court order, that would be perfect. If you are intimidated by his physical threat of violence, bring a couple of big guys with you. Or get a concealed weapon's permit.
And simultaneously win over your son and educate him about sociopaths. Do it gently, matter-of-factly, and persistently.
Good luck.
Anyone else have some advice for Dawn?
My husband and I finally figured out that my mom is a sociopath. It finally makes sense, finally explains all the horrible things she did and allowed to happen to myself and my siblings when we were growing up, with no apologies. My husband and I just deal with her now as objectively as we can, and that's it. Knowing that she is what she is has made things somewhat more manageable and palatable in general, but it still feels really icky to have to deal with her at all. I don't know if I have ever loved her, because she and I never ever developed any kind of emotional bond. It's very strange to say, but the truth. And even more recently, after reading a lot more into sociopathy, I realized to my great anguish, that an ex-boyfriend of mine was a sociopath. I was always baffled by his behaviour. I always felt used, abused, manipulated, etc etc and the times when I'd start talking like "I want out of the relationship", the tears would start flowing out of him, and the poetic words, and whatever he needed to do or say to reel me in again, to make me pity him and feel sorry for him. He broke almost everything I owned, drained my bank account, my time, my emotions, everything. Not to mention he was alcoholic. I think if he could have drained out my blood he would have. Anyway, coming from a family background where my father is a classic case of narcissist and my mother a sociopath, needless to say I didn't know any better, and grew up with zero emotional tools. I thought all this was just the way things were. How was I supposed to know? Until I woke up that is. One thing I can say is that there is always a positive side to everything. Having survived that kind of hell has made me extremely strong. People quickly learn that they don't want to piss me off. My husband says it's a vibe that I give off all the time. I don't do it on purpose though, it's just there. And if people still piss me off, they'll know about it. Nobody gets away with anything. So, thank you for that. It has probably saved me many times over the years. Otherwise, yes, the best thing is to get as far away as you can from the sociopath. In order to break up with my sociopath boyfriend, I went far away for a long time, and that worked like a charm. I'm sure he quickly found other unsuspecting women to use and abuse. What I do find devastating to realize though, was that he probably never loved me. It was all lies and all an act, all 6 years of it. I'm still trying to get passed that one. Isn't life great????
I think I am in a relationship with a sociopath. We met just over a year ago and I fell in love with him very quickly. He seemed perfect, told me he loved me more than anybody, showered me with compliments, wanted to spend forever with me etc etc. I bought him loads of presents although I am a single mother, all of which he loved but said I shouldn't have got but later said he didnt like when it was not possible to return them. About a month into the relationship he went very distant for a few days resulting in me constantly declaring love etc etc to win him around and this became a pattern every four weeks. He also admitted he was an alcoholic. He told me about some awful things he did to his ex wife and that when she threw him out he made her life absolute hell, and also that he had made an ex girlfriend afraid to leave the house once she had left him. The whole patter of the relationship has been that he will build me up, be madly "in love" with me, want to marry me one day and then about every six weeks he will then drop the bombshell that he wants out, that I am controlling, that my children annoy him, that he has no money, he misses where he lived (15 mins up the road from me), that his children are compromised by mine. I then do the begging pleading thing and he gradually concedes and we start again. He has made passes at two of my friends and I beleive has been unfaithful on at least one occasion. He boasts about how he slept with prostitutes when he was with his second wife and had affairs and that he had affairs during his first marriage from day one. He does not see his son from his first marriage and has no form of contact whatsoever but blames the child for ruining his life. He has sexual deviances, a fascination with weapons and cannot bear to lose at anything. He is a liar, once making out to an army friend that he was in special forces. Boast of criminal acts he has committed in the past and not been caught etc. He builds me up and then will say things like "everything I have said for the past four months has been a lie, I dont love you intensely any more" He seems to like the reaction he gets by me begging and pleading and declaring love.
For the past three months he has constently been saying I make him unhappy, that my house is a mess (it isnt and this is something he also attributed to an ex girlfriend) He moved back to his old area two months ago on the pretence that it was temporary and has kept dangling a the carrot of moving back, marrying me etc when his actions have been to rent another place and make the move more permanent. He will send texts saying he wants to make a go of everything etc and then immediately follow it with that he wants to give it up to provoke reaction. I went out once with friends and he was horrible about it. He took his children camping and met up with another woman, I went camping with a friend the same weekend and he accused me of sleeping with someone, which I had not and was going to end things (I didnt know about the woman at this point). He brought this up every time he had his six week "ending the relationship" phase for months before finding other things. He seems to enjoy punishing me for things he thinks I have done which are all unfounded. He is unable to take blame in the real sense but is able to say the right things and will apologise etc but still continue the same behaviour. In the last few weeks I have come towards the end of my tether with coping and he has increased the threats to end the relationship and seems to be upping his game and saying some really cutting things. He has said that he has had problems since a teenager, that he is manic depressive (untrue although he does seem to have depressive episodes) and has said that he is a sociopath. Not knowing the condition I gave it little thought but now think that one might be true as he has many of the traits. A big part of me wants to run like hell, friends have told me I have to get out. He has sensed the shift in me and has today sent me a message saying he has been to the doctor to seek help but then saying that he can't see a future for us so is contradicting himself again. It seems that he senses he is losing the control so is intensifying the attempts to break me. I don't know what to do now, I don't want to give up on him if he isn't a sociopath and can be helped but having read up on it feel that he probably is
I was involved with an emotional bully, who I have realized is a sociopath. He has no feelings, created hell for me because I have BPD.
His ex wife wrote me altter about the scars he left on her. well he left them on me too. But I sent that letter to his boss, and revealed his character to his boss. I feel that there is karma in this world. I don't care if you are a born or learned sociopath. You will have to follow the constructs of society or reap what you sow enough times to change even if you do like yourself. I am not of the opinion that anyone has the righ to be bad because of a disease. The only right and responsibility they have is to take charge of the problem they have and get help. There is such a thing, and by getting rid of the ego, through mind training like A Course in Miracles, one may never feel empathy or love, but will be on the right path. Otherwise what the hell is the purpose for your life? There is none. To choose to stay this way and simply disregard everyone and everything means you are not living as a human, but are choosing to live as an animal. If thats your thing, have fun, but your life is a waste of time. God wants us all to better ourselves, and no matter what is said here,we definitely CAN. I resent the doctors who say sociopaths have no choice or help. Bullshit. They need spirituality and mediatation. They need to be responsible for their actions.
This article was very important for me to read. My granddaughter, I believe, is a sociopath. AS a youth she was diagnosed with conduct disorder and later with borderline personality disorder. She has wreck havoc wherever she goes. It has taken me a long time to come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do for her. I have made the decision to put her out of my life. This is very hard and painful. Hopefully time will lessen the pain,
I have been involved (unknowingly) for almost 2 years with a F sociopath. Initially the association seemed normal but quickly evelved into a scheme where I was being asked for money and presents. She is an immaculate housekeeper, and her personal appearance is always that of a neat, clean, good looking woman.
Apologies, I did not read more than the first few comments. But wow people will believe anything. First off, just because someone is labeled a sociopath does not make them a horrible person. I truly believe that I am one. I love it. I can make any choice without second guessing myself using only cold logic. I don't have to be tied down by anyone or anything I dont want to be. And I can use this to succeed in life when everyone else is shooting themselves in the foot. How many girls got pregnant at 18 because they were "in love?" And their lives and their kids lives now suck because of it. How many people turn down good jobs or opportunities because they are to afraid to take a risk and change for the better? I dont have to deal with that and the trade off??? I dont know what love is. And again that doesn't mean I thrive of of other people's misery. I just dont care. And here is the one problem with everyone's assumption about sociopaths. Now if i want something from someone why would I steal from them? Why would I hurt them intentionally? People do stuff or give stuff to people them like, people who make them feel good. And criminal behavior? Why would any intelligent person do something that could end up taking away any of their magical freedom. The behavior that is described above (the first few comments) is that of rebellious youths or drug addicts. Is it at all possible that your kids are just bad kids? Is it possible that they are just acting out? Nope is must be that they are sociopaths right? Its not their fault right? They cant help it. Bull. Yes there are bad people in the world murderers and rapist and all sorts of others. But being a sociopath does not make you a thief, does not make you toxic, does not make you "bad" in any way. Those people choose to make those choices. The only difference between a sociopath and a "normal" person is that the sociopath is detached from it. We know what is right and wrong. We just dont FEEL bad about it. If the person is smart they will do right and get something out of it. So if everyone could stop labeling sociopathic people as horrible individuals that are completely malevelent that would be great. Oh and while you are at it accept that people "normal" people CAN be far more toxic and draining then any sociopath. One more thing there are some self proclaimed sociopaths in the comments mentioned above they aren't. They simply went online, found the symptoms of the "condition" and put themselves in the context. And people bought it. I did the same thing with my psychiatrist. A PSYCHIATRIST. I looked up the symptoms of depression acted them out and was diagnosed. That diagnosis was what I wanted. It didnt hurt anyone and i got what i wanted. So folks dont try to stay away from sociopaths because the person you think is is not. Meaning you wont see them ever. The person you are worried about has some other issue deal with that and dont be a victim. Fin
loser LOL
This cite has been very helpful. I have been in a relationship with a sociopath for the past five years and it has been hell. She tries to hide things from me but I can easily find out that she has lied but she always has some "reason" for why she lied. She has several addictive behaviors. She has a criminal past of drugs but no violence. I have moved out before but she has always wormed her way back in using some kind of pity technique.She has two children she states she loves but she has never taken care of them and hurts them by saying they are going to come live with her and then comes up with some reason why they can not when the time comes.She is always trying to make things my fault and pouts like a child when she does not get her way. I am finally leaving her for real. I am packing and will be gone next week. She has tried several attempts to get me to move with her somewhere else mainly because everything has always been in my name and it will be hard for her to get a place she likes with no history and bad credit. She spends money as soon as she gets it while I have always been a saver. The last year she has hated me touching her whatsoever and have hardly had sex at all.Why would anyone want to stay in that kind of a relationship? Any advice on what to say if she tries to pull something the next last few days? All I have to remember is any "love" she will try to show is fake and acted. She once told me in the beginning of our relationship that she is a fabulous actress. That really should have been a big warning. Any comments helpful always, FReedom
(Nana) My heart is breaking. It is only recently that it has come to my attention that my daughter-in-law is likely a sociopath. She meets most of the criteria perfectly. What a shock that was, but it explains a lot. She and my son have been married for 12 years and she has been manipulative from the beginning. My son has two degrees from Ivy schools; my daughter-in-law has a PhD. (When a professor wouldn't give her time off that she wanted, she wrote to me: "I will find a devious way to make him feel guilty, and he will never know." This shocked me, not only b/c she would do that, but also b/c she wasn't embarrassed to admit it.) She is from India, but the original deal was that they were to live in this country. They now live in Europe after she convinced my son to turn down the job he wanted here and to apply to one there. She has been particularly hostile to me, but in a covert way, saying things to my son, thereby creating an argument between us while she kept her distance. There have been many "rules" set over the years, such as my not being allowed to email my son unless I include her, etc. But when I comply to one set of rules, another takes its place. I somehow often manage to offend her without realizing it or knowing how. I have never spoken against her to my son. My son once told his brother that his wife is "insanely jealous" of me, which made no sense to me at all until someone explained that I pose a threat to her control over my son (we used to be very close). In addition to working, my son does the cooking and cleaning. His brother was uncharacteristically upset when he witnessed how my daughter-in-law treats my son. For instance, when he called her "honey," she corrected him and told him to call her by her name. When he reached out to touch her, she pulled away. His brother told him off, telling him to "grow a spine." It has been like this from the beginning, but I thought things would mellow when they had a daughter 2 years ago. Unfortunately, the situation has only become worse. I am not allowed even photos of my only granddaughter. The worst part is that my son still believes whatever she says. His brothers don't want anything to do with him now, but he is blaming me for that instead of accepting that they are tired of witnessing my intense pain (he says that I shouldn't burden them by letting them see that). My son seems to be totally under her control (I should mention that he is a people pleaser). At this point, my son won't allow me access to his daughter because he thinks he is protecting her from me. I have been a devoted mother; my children have always meant everything to me. Children and dogs are drawn to me. I do wonder if he can use me as the scapegoat because he feels that secure in my love. This all hurts so badly, but I strongly suspect that the wife is somehow behind it all. I have seen many articles and comments on sociopaths, but none of them address what a person should, or can, do when one's own son is married to one. The only way I could avoid her would be to avoid him as well. In a sense, he is a captive, and my granddaughter is being used as a pawn. Our family used to be a close and loving one, but it is now destroyed, with each of us pitted against the other. Logically, I know that I need to make myself give up on my son and his situation - I have no control over it. But how can a mother ever give up on her son? Any helpful advice would be appreciated.
so i've been reading the comments for a while now , and really aren't you people just patheticly stupid ? 'oh poor me! i trusted and loved him(her) so much yet he(she) backstabed me!i am so hurt such a pathetic and miserable person! it is all because of sosiopath A or B that my life is now in ruins! some one help me~!' if you don't want to be a victim then stop being so full of weaknesses and don't let yourself be easily manipulated !i also second what anonymous May 15, 2012 11:11 PM said , you don't need to be a sosiopath to enjoy revenge or other's suffering nor does being one means you have to hurt and destroy people's lives in order to get what you want.yes ,some can't help but feel curios about other's reactions when they are under pressure or the enjoy being in controle , because isn't it a human need to feel independent and special? i think it is also normal for someone to feel the need of being superior and in control of his life! and really if you feel that someone is making you miserable there is no need to make sure if he(she) is a sosiopath or not ! just GET HIM(HER) OUT OF YOUR LIVE !
eric, to satisfy your curiousity about after-death i suggest you take a bullet in the head.
inside sociopaths have nuts and bolts instead of human parts. so when they praise you (or insult you) think of it in the same way as if your computer had said "i love you!!!" each time you open it up in the morning. in other word no emotional content, and why bother to care much?
moderator: i suggest you erase some of the obviously manipulative statements and attempts on this site. they could be dangerous to some people.
I was married to a sociopath for 23 years and had 2 sons with him. I was 25 but young and naive when we met, and he at 41 must have seen me as a prime target to use even though I didn't have money or power, I was just an ordinary young woman in college. He saw I was weak and insecure and exploited my weaknesses and insecurities to build up his own ego. He would make me cry, then look at me with a straight face and feel no sympathy for my hurt feelings, then always blame me for whatever happened. He never accepted responsibility or apologized for anything he did to hurt anyone. He found insults in innocent comments and topics of conversation when we were with friends and family. He drove all his friends and family away because of these imagined insults and their stupidity. He felt he was smarter and more clever than anyone he knew, but felt his genius was merely unrecognized. He'd quit or get fired from job after job, always because he felt his boss was an idiot and was playing "mind games" with him. Eventually he couldn't get a job and exploited an injury so he could go on disability. He'd spend my money on whatever he wanted without asking me, then say I was being controlling when I complained. I had an old-fashioned view that the man is the leader of the home and I'd let him make all the decisions and have all the power.
He'd make a decision to cut someone from his life, and never look back. Eventually this included me, for which I'm extremely grateful now. I wish I had this information before I had children with him. Now they will have to deal with the effects of his abuse for their whole lives.
As an insecure people-pleaser, I was the constant victim of his guilt trips. He had me emotionally upset and nervous all the time because I was so afraid of his criticism and verbal attacks. It wasn't physical, just mental abuse. I became hypersensitive to his moods and body language. He wouldn't talk to me or even look at me for days. I never felt safe and relaxed in my own home, and was constantly comforting my children for his abuses to them too. I constantly tried to please him to get his approval, but nothing worked. He decided to concentrate on my weight as a way to hurt me, demanding that I become anorexically thin to fulfill his sexual fantasies, but of course the confusion and nervousness I constantly felt only caused me to gain weight and be emotionally abused even more. Eventually he divorced me and married a woman half his age that he brought over from the Philippines. I felt so sorry for he and her children, and wanted to warn her but didn't know how. After a few years she sadly got cancer and died, leaving him with 3 young daughters to abuse and manipulate. It's all so sad and tragic!! His life is a train wreck for anyone it touches.
If you see these traits in anyone close to you, run like hell!! They will lie, cheat, steal and manipulate you for their own end or just for amusement. They can't be cured and will eventually destroy your soul too if you let them stay close to you. Get out while you can!!
Hi, My Mum is a sociopath/Narcissist I recently went back after no contact for 2 years, but realised thank fully that I should run really fast away again, since that time, I have exposed her to both my brothers and she has sent me a very hateful email, I am just wondering if I should be worried about some type of revenge? I live a fair distance to her and don't really have contact with anybody she does so she doesn't have a lot of power to make my life miserable which is what she did before I went no contact she would always enjoy playing with my emotions and mind, and favored my brother because he was stronger and wouldn't ever let Mum get to him.
Curious if a sociopath would decide to withdraw themselves from your life? Can they hold a normal lifestyle such as having a stable job and marriage?
Yes, Seth, a sociopath would decide to withdraw themselves from your life if you were no longer providing what they need.
And yes, they can hold a job and remain in a marriage for a long time. Monogamously? Not likely.
Hello,
My ex husband fits the full describtion of a socialpath. We hooked up becus he told me this huge lie about he grandmothers dealth. I felt so sorry for him. Before I knew it I was pregnant with our first child. We got married. During our.marriage it was pure hell. He cheated on me so many times. Our life was drama filled. He lied about everything from his real name to him being molested as a child to him graduating college. He even lied about hoq.many kids he had. He was abusive, comtrolling,conning,and manipulative. Aftet 10 years and his new kids with other women, I was done. I tried to separate be he went as for as taking me kids to the police and teling them that I was going to kill him. I was placed in Jail for it. He shot me in th e face in front of.our kids. Accodently shot himself and told.the police.that I shot him first. It has been 3 years now. I have remarried. We are still in and out of court because he wants to win. Im so tired. Ir is so hard to fight him becus he cons so.many people into beleivinf his lies. He dont cate about our.kids. He walks arund.as if he.has done no wrong. He would nevet admit to having a problem and at this point if is better that we dontsuggest to him or his lawyers that he may be a social path becus he would just use it to get off for the shotting. I feel like he will never leave us alone. I liked your articlekt was very helpful. It only confirmed what I already felt. I only wish I knew how to get ride of him.i guess his constant attempts tohurt meis the stimulant he longs for.
To the person that compared post traumatic stress disorder to sociopath, I really don't know how there is any comparison, people with post traumatic stress disorder do not pro actively set out to hurt people and have a conscience they may feel numb and find it hard to get close to people if there post traumatic stress has been caused by abuse, but there really isn't that many similarities. Unless of course the person has a combination of both. People with post traumatic stress my need empathy and support which I suppose could be interpreted as someone trying to get sympathy, however they are not usually doing in in a manipulative way. Often they have problems with angry outbursts and have severe anxiety. Anyway just thought I'd mention it because the two things are very different and I don't know how you could possibly mistake them for a sociopath, unless a sociopath uses this to manipulate people as an excuse for bad behaviour. excuse for bad behavior.
Do sociopaths dream , I am asking all your sociopaths out there you know who you are. Don't know if this subject has been covered yet. This blog is way to long and at times boring to read thru , lol sorry , but am I really sorry. Back to my question , what do the dreams consist of. Also do sociopaths get better with age or just better at it , like a reflex learned, a skill acquired . Would be interesting to hear from a sociopath age 60 and over.will check back weekly
Anna: to (pSP) and others i hope you visit this site again to read my comment and replai. My soon to be ex boyfriend is qualified for a SP. After reading ur comment above i am convincEd. He told me once that looking at dead or heavily injured ppl doesnt bother him, that he only cried one time in his life (when his dog died) but no when his gtandparents died whom he "loved" . He is divorsed (had been married for almost 10 years has 8 year old kid shares custody w his exwife but his child is w him most of the time). For the most duration of our relationship we had been constantly fighting. It was always some situation that wr disagreed on how to handle. He is unfare to other kids. He thinks his son is a great athlete he says bad things to his son about his exwife ect. Its not that i ignored the red flags. His answers were: his e ruined his life because she had fallen into drugs, his mother is bipolar and phisically abused him, his father cheated on bis mother 3 times ( actually had rel w other women) but he loves him anyway (maybe because he has millions he does love money).
He handles situations like theres no One but him and his son. No empathy no emotions. He says he wamts to be loved. I told him that i thought he was a SP. He did not get mad. He said " i dont know all the answers" he would always say it when i faced him on how he acted and how it affectedme. I think he is lying. I donf know why he does what he does but he kept saying ( at the beggining of our rel) that nobody ever loved him. I cut him on lies but he would always come up w sOmth.
He swears he loves me but i think he fackes . He told his sOn in front of me"u trade women in" now when i tell him that he says it was a joke.
AFTER MY MOM AND I HAD WHAT SEEMED THE FINAL STRAW IN OUR VERY ROCKY AND WOBBLY RELATIONSHIP, I KNEW I HAD TO JUST CHECK HER SIGNS UP. I WAS'NT TOO SURPRISED ABOUT THE FACT THAT SHE SEEMED TO FIT IN ON ALMOST ALL THE QUALITIES OF A PHYSO BUT I STILL CANT BELIEVE THAT THERE ARE SO MANY MORE LIKE HER OUT THERE MAKING OTHER PEOPLE AND THEIR LIVES MISERABLE. I SERIOUSLY FEEL FOR ALL THE OTHER PITIFUL READERS WITH THEIR PSYCOTIC RELATIVES. I HOPE THAT YOU COULD HELP ME IN TO GIVING WAYS TO CHANGING HER TO BE A BETTER PERSON BECAUSE IT REALLY IS GOING TO BE DIFFICULT LIVING THE NEXT FEW YEARS WITH HER ALONE AND MY DAD THE NEXT FEW YEARS. THANK YOU AND RESPONSES , NO MATTER WHAT THEY ARE ARE WELCOME .
[quote] June 3, 2012 2:45 PM
Anonymous said...
so i've been reading the comments for a while now , and really aren't you people just patheticly stupid ? 'oh poor me! i trusted and loved him(her) so much yet he(she) backstabed me!i am so hurt such a pathetic and miserable person! it is all because of sosiopath A or B that my life is now in ruins! some one help me~!' if you don't want to be a victim then stop being so full of weaknesses and don't let yourself be easily manipulated !i also second what anonymous May 15, 2012 11:11 PM said , you don't need to be a sosiopath to enjoy revenge or other's suffering nor does being one means you have to hurt and destroy people's lives in order to get what you want.yes ,some can't help but feel curios about other's reactions when they are under pressure or the enjoy being in controle , because isn't it a human need to feel independent and special? i think it is also normal for someone to feel the need of being superior and in control of his life! and really if you feel that someone is making you miserable there is no need to make sure if he(she) is a sosiopath or not ! just GET HIM(HER) OUT OF YOUR LIVE ! [unquote]
What a coincidence! You write just like the sociopath we've been trying to get away from but who won't quite disappear. Probably because victory hasn't quite been theirs and I can state categorically that it never will be.
It's all very well telling a victim to get the sociopath out of their life, don't you think that once we recognise the signs that that's what people are trying to do? Most people fall prey to sociopaths not because they are weak but because they are decent human beings. The problem is that the sociopaths simply will not slope away until they have drained every last drop of self-worth from their chosen prey. Just when you think they've become bored, given up and gone away, moved onto the next, up they pop to remind us that they're still around and still managing to manipulate everyone around them with their plausibility. We've stayed quiet so far but more people are learning the truth. That won't be revenge, that will purely be educating others to be on their guard.
I am extremely grateful for this site. Thank you, it has been an enormous help.
I can't help but feel the politicians of the Republican Party are all sociopaths...as is the entire right wing echo noise chamber.
And since corporations are considered people (thank the SCOTUS as per the Citizens United ruling) I think it's long overdue to assess what kinds of "people" the laws are promoting.
If you go through the criteria of what a sociopath is and apply it to Corporations.
It's apparent these amoral institutions are sociopathic institutions.
I think it's entirely possible for an organization to have sociopathic characteristics. But it seems an overgeneralization to consider the Republican Party and Corporations to be sociopathic.
Thanks to everyone who has posted and to Adam for maintaining these comments and site. I was involved with a spath for 2-1/2 years and had no idea what I was dealing with until he found his next major victim. I was a former client who was slowly set-up for the kill. So many others have written of the exact same things I went through. He was a business partner and when someone came along that offered more clients than me I was immediately shut out. The worst part is the lack of closure and hurt that you feel when you get dumped after such intensity and commitment starting a new business. These people seem to continue to get away with their actions and find new victims. Of course I was out my investment, but I feel that anyone who lives a parasitic lifestyle will get what they deserve. It is money well lost to be rid of him and out of the "whirlwind of drama". Payback is a b***ch and it's already coming back on him. I have worked hard to maintain no contact but some of our mutual acquaintances have told me his vehicle was repossessed, several of his steady clients either moved or passed away, and the best part is the person he kicked me out for has caused a lot of trouble; they have been arguing with each other in front of clients and creating a miserable atmosphere for their business. Finding this site and others like it has really opened my eyes to these types and, more importantly, has allowed me to slowly start the healing process and work on refocusing my life and work with people who deserve it and treat me right. Keep up the good fight and peace to everyone who has suffered at the hands of these monsters.
"First off, just because someone is labeled a sociopath does not make them a horrible person. I truly believe that I am one. I love it. I can make any choice without second guessing myself using only cold logic."
If you are a sociopath, then you won't understand what a 'horrible person' is. That concept is a quirk of how non-psychopaths think.
See, when people judge actions as moral/immoral, part of their judgment is whether the *person* is moral/immoral. People who appear to have a tendency to behave in immoral ways get labeled as bad, horrible, evil, etc. For example, research has shown that people will judge someone who did a 'necessary evil' (like the classic scenario of pushing a guy in front of a train to slow it enough that it doesn't hit six other people) more harshly if they made the decision more easily, as this hints at less empathy for others.
Now, with a psychopath, they don't have the moral emotions that form the basic foundation of this whole thing. So none of the moral concepts will mean the same to a psychopath. I frequent a blog by a psychopath who has said that he thinks he's 'a good person, a great person in fact' as if the two are synonymous, and it's clear he means good as in impressive/skilled rather than moral. He's trying to understand neurotypicals but in some ways he just never seems to get it. (I'm sure I'm not getting stuff about being a psychopath, too.)
WOW! I am so glad to have read your article!! I thought i was just being a bit harsh or even (as he tried to convince me) a bit crazy. But it is HIM! This article nails the description of my ex boyfriend even the part about Oxycontin not working!! Right now he is doing everything he can to "win". Even though we are broken up and don't speak, he take every chance he has to win at all cost- as long as I lose. Not once in our two year relationship did i win-which was very discouraging. I never once heard an "im sorry" and somehow no matter what happened or if nothing happened- it was my fault. He didn't have fault.
People often exaggerate when they talk about a bad break "he was such a psycho" rarely mean that the ex was actually certifiably nuts, but after confirming my observations that i have kept a secret, I am confident that I was in love with a psychopathic man! THIS IS SUCH A RELIEF!! I didn't everything EVERYTHING a girlfriend could do to make him happy and loving- and for a while he gave an Oscar worthy performance "And the Oscar goes to...Mr Hunky Wonderful for his performance as someone with a soul!!!!" I realize now that I was in love with the character he was playing. It reminds my of those old NBC commercials with the actors from ER. But his would go "I'm not human, but I play one to my girlfriend." And boy did he! I have these flashback to our relationship- like soldier who have gone to war have. It all seems so clear now- what is it about me that I didn't see it sooner? I saw the bad but only looked at the good- which turned out to be fake. But, I'm glad that I am looking back to know this and looking at my future, laboring to be enough for him.
Thank you for writing this article! I don't know how i stumbled upon it- i didn't goggle anything related- so i must have been destined to read it!! It has made my whole summer!!
I believe my hustand is a sociopath. Lies, cheats, steals, is angry all the time, secretive. I could go on. I filed for divorce May 2011, but the WEEK before court date he wanted a reconciliation. The only reason I agreed is because all of my money is tied up in the house we bought together, with me paying much more (of course!) The market bottomed out and I would have not only lost my entire investment, but we would still owe the bank! I have a "strong" personality, see him for what he is, call him on lies and denials (which I always know about) My question: what is the BEST course of action (besides running for the hills!) to deal with a sociopath on a daily basis? Therpy did NOT work! I see him for what he is so I do not fall for his crap, but he goes in cycles. I am hoping within the next few years the market will turn around and THEN I can run for the hills!! At 57 years old, I just could not start over with nothing financially!
Hard to leave if you have kids together!
Here's some help for you guys. Although all emotions are understood, only those promulgated by fear enter the sociopaths repertoire as actual hard felt feelings. Any emotion, doesn't matter which, is burned up in the micro-second the soci feels it. It's intense and gone. Hence the flashes of aggression from hatred and anger. This leaves the soci confused and left with whatever mess the emotions may have caused (that's right; it's the emotion's fault, not the sociopaths). What is left for the soci is the same old feeling of nothingness; cold-stern laser-like focus to rebuild the plan that may have been messed up ny the emotional outbreak.
(john) hey guys, I've recently been reading quite a few articles about Sociopaths, mainly because i've come to the conclusion that I could possibly be one. No, i dont go out of my way to harm people or hurt people, but i have hurt a few people in the past that i really care about. Im trying to convince myself that im not as coldhearted as i think i am, but then again a lot of the signs point to me being one. when i was about 18 i started noticing changes in myself and the way i care for people. im about 22 right now and the past 4 years for me, i have been in a "depressive" state of mind, i tend to not care about anyone or anything. i can't seem to hold a job for anything. if anyone could give me some insight on my situation that would be great. thank you.
John,
It doesn't sound like sociopathy to me. Sociopathy doesn't start at 18. You are born that way.
Seems more like depression, demoralization, or cynacism. I suggest you use the antivirus for your mind for a couple of months before you decide on anything else:
http://www.youmeworks.com/antivirus-for-your-mind.html
My sister was married to a SP and has 2 children with him. They were divorced 7 years ago, but it seems like the never ending divorce. He is an attorney (unfortunately)and is constantly dragging her to court. What is awful is that he uses the second child (who is now 13) to get at my sister. She wants her to be happy, but I feel like by continuously engaging him when it comes to the 13 year old is only feeding this madness! One more thing...I'm pretty sure the 13 yr old is probably a SP too. I first noticed her manipulating things to get what she wanted at age 7. She is remarkably like her father. Everyone says she only wants her father to love her...but I'm not really buying it. She had a fit about something trivial and ran away (ended up going to her fathers...who even knowing my sister was frantic, never bothered to tell her she was with him...oh, and she decided she wanted to stay with her father...and surprise...he calls the court the next day to say since she is living with him he does not have to pay child support anymore. What on earth can my sister do??? FYI the older one has absolutely nothing to do with him. She was mortified he had been cheating on her mom (she found out from someone at school when she was 12). Of all of them, she is remarkably well adjusted
Anon,
That seems a little weak to say these people are sociopaths. High possibility the 13 year old is just a 13 year old taking advantage of a bad situation and your sister's ex is just a vengeful horse's [ ]. Now if in deed the ex-bro-in-law is SP, then the actions you say they are having in regards to the 13 year old do seem to pose a very advantageous environment for a young SP to develop. jmo.
My ex-SP doesn't dream at all. It would be interesting to know if this is a common trait of SPs.
That IS interesting. I've never heard of that one. Has anyone else ever heard of sociopaths dreaming or not?
Thank you for sharing such a terrific article about sociopaths and who they are! I wish I had known sooner. At least I know that I did the right thing when I decided to cut off ties with my ex-best friend. It took me 15 years to realize that she was a sociopath. I didn't know about this until I expressed this to a friend, and she mentioned that my ex-best friend was a sociopath so I looked it up. Sure enough, my ex-best friend fit the perfect description of a sociopath. The only reason why it took me this long to figure out was because we lived apart for the last 10 years, and all her sociopathic traits were slowly revealed within a year when I made her the Matron of Honor at my wedding. I completely trusted her because of her superficial charm over the years. I had no idea that she lied to me and backstabbed me to my bridesmaids. She always gave me the impression that I owed her big time just because we were best friends. She duped me into doing favors for her and even figured out ways to trick me into paying things for her. She fooled me into paying for her entire baby shower. She didn't want to pay for certain things at my wedding so she came up with lies such as her husband might lose his job and that I was the one being unreasonable with exhorbitant wedding costs. (Yeah, right.) Yet she would trick me into paying certain things (such as an Honoring the Bridesmaids dinner where her entire family crashed) for her by putting me on a guilt trip. She always tried to take a lot from me, my friends, and her friends and would give very little in return. Since she was unemployed and an easily bored housewife, she created ALL the drama at my wedding and turned MY friends into her worst enemies. Who has ever heard of creating new enemies over a wedding? It was like she always had to create a storm and make it look like that she was the superior friend above all. She always passed the blame onto others for the problems that she created. She always wants to get everything done HER way. She was the bridesmaidzilla from hell. She did everything she could to take over my wedding, and I refused to let her. She was completely delusional and felt that she had to outdo me in life (even though she accomplished nothing in the last 10 years) by boasting about herself all the time. She loves to scam and take advantage of her own friends and feels no guilt or shame whatsoever. She even cussed my friends out over the phone just to try to get her way, yet she always acts like she's the victim. After everything that I've done for her, her wedding speech was the final nail in the coffin. She spent ten whole minutes insulting my friends and humiliating me and my husband in front of our closest friends and family. I was utterly shocked beyond belief because I never saw this one coming. What's even sicker is that all she could think about after the wedding was how great her speech was, and she had no idea that she offended everyone! I concluded that she was not my best friend but my worst enemy trying to take advantage of everyone and backstabbing them in the end. Does this sound like a normal person? I think not. She fit the perfect description of a sociopath and someone who you should absolutely stay away from. I cut off all ties with her and I told all my friends to do the same. (She even stole money from my friends by using my wedding as an excuse. How horrific is that? I didn't find out about this until 2 months after the wedding was over.) It's no wonder why she has no friends and no job. Her husband has no idea that he married a monster, and I feel sorry for her two kids.
It is so important to recognize a sociopath in your life. The sooner you discover who they are, the better. I was glad to find out now instead of later. Don't worry. I still made lots of awesome friends over the last 10 years while she was away. I have a wonderful future to look forward to with my husband and a life free from a sociopath!
Yes,I remember a conversation with a SP guy I once dated that remarked he never ever dreamed. At the time, I believed he had simply forgot his dreams, but maybe not.
Im with a socio now it is very odd. he pays little attention to our 3 year old and no attention to his children at all and he denies that their are more children what do I do he has a court order to see our son ... what do I do in someways I do use coping skills to get me though... but distance is the best
I left my husband four years ago. We had been married for twenty years. It took me that long to realize what I was dealing with. He cheated, stole, lied, abused me in so many ways and managed to make me believe that it was my fault. I tried every way I could, because we have children, but we were losing our house because he had used the mortgage money to buy drugs. I said I would leave unless he quit doing drugs because I thought it was addiction that was the problem. He swore he loved me and he would quit. Two days later he was arrested. During our divorce he had me committed, he refused to let me see my children or give me money. Somehow I was lucky and I survived. But right now he has taken my children and is again claiming I have had a breakdown. I am okay, but it is difficult. I worry about my children but I realize that I cannot fight him. All I can do is hope.
I'm sorry to hear about all the misery you went through. I have heard so many similar stories and the one thing I've always wondered is what stops people from recognizing that their spouse is a sociopath. My guess is that you didn't know sociopaths existed in everyday life. The concept of "common, everyday sociopaths" just never occurred to you. Is that what it is? Or was he particularly good at making you feel it was your problem? Or something else? Or all of these?
What I want to know from you is, if you had known about common everyday sociopaths earlier, would it have helped you?
I am going thru the worst of it now. I have been with my children's father for 24 years. Most days I feel suicidal because I and now one of my children are his victims. I too have thought it was me and have tried everything, including an attempt to end my life when he hired a fancy lawyer and made me sign over my rights as a parent to him. He made me quit my job and ran off customers of a small business I started from home. It goes on and on and on and on. He beat my oldest son and convinced the police to take my son to jail while threatening to put us out if we said anything. He cursed out my 5 year old son for not wanting to watch a rated R movie. He called b words and faggots. I took my kids and ran and that's when he tracked me down with his lawyer and really stuck it to me. We live in separate parts of the house. I won't leave without my children so he sticks his hot arrows in me every chance he gets and I can actually see the look of pure pleasure on his face when he attacks us and we break down. I want to leave but i can't do it without at least taking my youngest child.
Also, I told him today for the first time that I thought he was a sociopath because of his behavior. I actually jus realized it was a real disorder. Alllll these years he was trying to convince me that I was crazy. And I admit that after going through this and much more with him for 24 years I probably am and I might need medication but I can't afford a doctor. So amazing he used to be on my health insurance before he badgered me into quitting to stay home and take care of our newborn so that could go and work out at the gym for 5 hours a day fun. I paid bill... He stacked his chips now im broke and broke down in chronic pain and dont know why. Now he owns 3 mercedes Benzs, a bmw, he owns a music studeo he owns 3 houses and a
I just found out too that I married a sociopath thanks to a friend who told me to look up the definition after I told them my ordeal on 7/29/12. After a fun night out with friends and holding hands in the car we came home and he went to bed like always. I went shortly after putting the dogs out to potty, I thought he was asleep I got into bed he started talking so I thought he was sleeping talking as he's done before. After drifting off to sleep myself, the next thing I know with my back to him laying on my side he shoved me off the bed and into the a/c unit knocking me out instantly. I came to on the floor with him strangling me, I kept screaming why are you doing this to me? What did I do to deserve this?,Its me your wife stop your killing me but he just said "I'm gonna fkn kill you (twice) and I again blacked out, I came to again and tried to reach the bedroom phone to call 911 and he denied me the phone and said "Oh No You Dont" so I scurried across the bed to another room where the dog got in his face since he was right behind me and I was able to reach 911 so he took off. They caught him down the road and arrested him as I was carted off to the ER with a severe concussion, strangulation marks and multiple bruises. He was able to convince the courts to give him a lowered bail from $7500 to $1000 cuz it showed no priors on his records, so a few days later his brothers bailed him out so now he's two town over but with no vehicle thank God. He tried getting me arrested just 24 hrs after he got out, saying I was contacting him and harrassing him and his family. Domestic violence had to call the cops back to straighten that mess out since the courts put a full protective order out for me.
I contacted his ex whom I had on my facebook listings because I was technically the step mom to them. She sent me documents of her ordeal with him (same pattern) and then I got documents from him beating up his own brother 6 months prior to meeting me which after he completed anger management classes the charges were dropped so they didnt show up in the system. I provided all this and the photos I took of my injuries that developed after the police's initial photos to further press the issue of his repeated brutality and acts of violence where no one is safe. He conned the courts and got previous charges dimissed from teh ex's ordeal too which is why when I did a check on his background when I first met him, nothing came up. He was charming, average looking but won my heart and he was never violent to me until this night 3 years into our meeting. We have no kids together so thats a blessing. But this took me and our friends completely by suprise. Even his family. They thought with me he had found the right woman and didnt think he would do such a thing to me. If he was bored and wanted to leave me the door was right there! He didnt have to brutally attack me while I slept!
I am trying to at least get him locked up for awhile for beating the sh*t out of me. I am hoping he goes away to prison even if for a year though I wish more because I was undeserving of such violence. For the love of God...He attacks people in their sleep! And beats them brutally which is the same pattern with his brother and his ex wife. Including trying to get them arrested when he gets out and his story to cops is always the same..."I didn't do it" "They attacked me" "they were drunk".
Im sad and mad but I wont let this get to me. Its a shame though that what I thought was a loving happy marriage turned out to be a facade. Thats my only regret. I had done everything by the book of dating with not kissing good night before three weeks, not sleeping with him for a few months and not moving him in and marrying him for a year After I had checked his background. Someone needs to pass laws to invent a site to look up ALL prior arrests whether dismissed or not so people can decide whether or not to be around that person. I know it mightve saved me. I waited 17 years before remarrying to him thinking this was it and like I said he was fine and dandy to me and our friends until that one fateful night twoo weeks ago. I am now another statistic in the world of abuse that sociopaths are capable of but I plan on working to at least keep him from harming anyone else the best I can, and annonymously as I can as well. I have total support from my mass of friends so together I will get thru this and I hope karma prevails and reigns on him!
I have in a few places read that there are different severity's of sociopathy, does this mean that some SPs are capable of emotion to an extent? I have been with my partner for 6 years and I am just starting to learn that all my "issues" with our relationship are based on what I believe to be sociopathy. What boggles my mind is that I love him enough to except it. He is my best friend and I do not want to lose that. I can tell well he bs'ing me, but sometimes it seems like there is genuine emotion in him, other times he is completely cold and ruthless. I must be crazy to want to continue this relationship. Is there anyway to maintain a relationship with him, or am I just crazy?
not all sociopaths are out to ruin other peoples lives, some just want to be alone.
Yes, Rose, of course there is a way to maintain a relationship with him. If you are okay with being used, it isn't a problem.
It is not crazy to still love him. You are, after all, human. And so you have normal human emotions that he manipulates successfully.
Anonymous, the sociopaths that do NOT ruin other peoples' lives are not of concern to us here. If they are not creating any victims, who cares if they are sociopaths?
I believe in relationships we all use people to a certain degree. But healthy minded people "use" relationships to gain happiness and acceptance and usually support. Where a SP has other motives that can be more devious. I know I am being used,and there are times when the lying an manipulation gets to be to much. Although there are times when I feel like I am the closest thing he has felt to love. We have known each other for 13 years,(since age 15) and I have always excepted and loved him for who he is. He has reached out to me in what seem to be emotional ways. Taking care of me when I am sick, or in pain physically. It is hard to tell if he does those things because there is some emotion there or if it is just part of his game. So I still ask, is it possible for an SP to have any type of kind emotions? Am I maybe just the closest thing he has felt to love?
I would like to emphasize that psychopathy is not defined by anger, I've had an anger problem at times but the reasons are actually normal such as someone who lies constantly or is completely inconsiderate or fake-basically dealing with sociopaths. I overreact sometimes but psychopathy is really different. In my experience psychopathic anger is different in several ways;
-often what they are angry about is a lie, unequivically, it did not occur and the whole thing is fake
-it is over trivial territorial crap ie. you live with them and used their cheap regular mustard once or twice (it's about control)
- its over a comment that inferred they are average (offensive because in their mind they are better than everyone else)
- you accidentally or purposely exposed a lie they told, something horrific they did or the fact that their personality is lacking, strange or a facade
- you made a fair request(they are above such things)
- as a distraction
- as a way to make it appear you did something wrong and elevate themselves
- make you look guilty of 'something' to discredit you for things they did or are going to do to you
the thing i cant see here is a little thing called personal boundary.
My family and mother to my child and her family and mostly my relatives ... are, incredibly, sociopath. My sister operates a cult, my brother married his best friend girlfriend, my other brother impregnates everything in a skirt and the eldest brother has been begging since i met him on planet earth.
Mostly i was on the receiving end of all kinds of abuse but a lot... and i mean a lot... of therapy got me back onto the field and at the end of it all, all i ever needed was to rebuild my boundaries.
It was hard. conflictous and disturbing. One sister who couldnt leave me alot, i asked her to worry more about her private parts than she was following me around.
That seemed to have worked.
She stopped. Only her son was recently concocting some money making scheme with me as a target. Luckily i was already healed and got him to stop his bs within a very short time.
It wasnt easy. I was like overly damaged. had been yanked around into cults and damaged children homes.
but i think i recovered.
Now i can sleep on the same bed with a social path. And when they cross over my personal boundary... i slap them hard on the mouth.
its working like a charm. My life has now found balance.
i no longer listen to unverified stories from people i don't know.
Honestly i truly i am happy with my recovery. I didn't attend my mothers burial. Why should i? she had spent her life terrorizing me.
i am no longer angry.
so dont jump on me when i say she was a sick bitch. I know many can be offended by such words towards mothers but truth and recovery has set me free to say just such words.
The self confessed sociapaths on these comments... well i just doubt it. They could be sick from any of the many social disorders. I am just doubting sociaopathy is one of them.
If i am sad... it is only because of the huge amount of time lost and wasted in the abusers lock down and in my own struggles for recovery from the likes of clinical depression that resulted.... i estimate an incredible 26 years.
Peace you all.
recovered man.
[Minx] I've been looking at this since last night. About a month ago, I gave my boyfriend of 4 years 2 weeks to get out or I would have the police remove him. He lived with me all that time and never paid rent. Promised to pay bills a lot more than he did, and concocted a fantasy about him being an attorney and a member of a fraternity. I went through hell when my family realized he wasn't who he said he was, but because of the way this confrontation was executed, I felt more alone, and clung to my boyfriend even more. He stole, cheated, lied, and blamed me and his unemployment for his actions. I've been in therapy to deal with it all, but its so much to handle. After a perfect storm of events occurring within days of each other, I finally had enough. He's driven me crazy ever since. I have learned to lean on friends to support me in my efforts, because it's the only way I've been able to get through it. And it's still not over. I wish I could warn the world about him, but sadly, he will likely have another victim soon. I thank the universe for getting me out of this mess. To all those who are going through this, be strong, and don't doubt yourself. It's not your fault.
I posted about two and a half years ago about my step son who I am convinced is a sp. I am happy to say I managed to get him out of my house a year ago.
When I see him now, because of my granddaughter, He acts like we are so close. But I am on to him and play along with his games so that I can see my granddaughter and try to be there for her.
Since then I have come to think that I am some type of a magnet for sociopaths and they seem to keep coming into my life at work and personally. They must get a real kick out of my caring, trusting nature. I have learned to recognize them though and that knowledge has been a good defense.
I also am beginning to think my dad possibly was a sociopath. I certainly can answer yes to several of the questions on my main articles page. If so that might explain why these monsters keep coming into my life.
Has there been any studies to determine if it is a brain issue or if it is caused by psychology or maybe both? It makes me wonder why God put or allowed these people in the world. Is it just to spice up life a little>
Annonymous..you are the perfect target for sociopaths..the birding heart heart who believes them.
This sounds like my BF...after one of his episodes where he reduces me to a helpless hopeless wreck by calling me a stupid f-ING C-word and telling me I should kill myself to prove I love him..he says that he wishes he could think of worse things to say to me!!
I have an older half sister by 16 years who I am positive is a sociopath. back in the 80"s I paid for my own wedding at 20 years old she tried to put the majority of my wedding party ( my close cousins) in jail for what she said was stealing never proven. She argued with me on the way to my SURPRISE bridal shower at the doors of the party told me instead of letting me be surprised. Many years later I rented a home from her and as I was moving out someone came in and stole some of my things Present Day gifts from that bridal shower are still in my sisters FL vacation home. Present Day recently my mother 87 years old and I had found my sister who supposedly paid off my mothers house actually took my mothers house out of her name. My sister could have left Mom's name on the home and added hers.Then after digging she changed the beneficiary of Moms annuity to her name and also tried to take control of Moms checking telling the banker that Mom was in competant which was un true. My sisiter and brotherin law come to FLorida often everyother weekend to every month on average and stay in Moms home March of this year shortly after My sisters last visit Mom was hospitalized twice 2 weekends in a row but the hospital could not figure out what was wrong.I took Mom to many Doctors no one could figure it out. Mom went into litigation with my sister trying to get her house back and we thought the stress was getting to much for Mom because she seemed very anxious itchy confused so we took Mom to a Psychiatrist to see if he could help her with her anxiety and coping. The Psychiatrist drug tested Mom and she came back with a positive for methadone and amphetamines in her urine drug screen. We went to the police We were told to throw everything out of her house and search by the pschiatrist and one officer we talked too We threw out sugar salt anything open or that my sister bought food items spices etc etc. Mom is most improved but the
Now a detectives are looking at us me and my family as if we are suspects. Does anyone out there have any faith that the detectives will figure this out and does anyone think that my sister will become violent and try to attack me and mine again?
What if you are a teacher?
I am a teacher, and can see manipulative/abusive behavior in one of my students who very well might be a sociopath. I am concerned because about half the class just stays away from him and is annoyed by him and half the class is starting to follow him and get an attitude with me, as if they think I am being too harsh/strict in class (when in reality, I just want to keep this potentially dangerous student AWAY from all of them; I'm also on high alert and probably more sensitive to minor misbehavior). He's been removed by security and suspended before, and of course I legally can't share why he was suspended, so who knows what he is telling the other students (it includes allegations of attempted incest and then harassing the relative, also a student, who reported this. That was not enough to suspend him-- (!!!) soon after that,he falsely accused a substitute of hitting him when she asked him to sit down (he was getting too close to another student)). The sub called security and he was suspended. He doesn't do any work anyway, unless he gets something for it (like being able to leave the room to get water-- not letting him do that anymore either). At any insubordination or misdeed, I am ready to call security to hopefully get him suspended again (or expelled) when he comes back, but he is very tricky with his words, trying to make it sound like he is the victim of my strictness. Other than a) joining the teacher's union b) getting a seating chart which keeps him away from the other students and calling security if he bugs other students (and avoiding any pair/group work-- not the best for instruction, but safety comes first) c) ignoring him and not engaging with him as much as possible, is there anything I can do to keep my students and myself safe, until I can prove to the principal that he shouldn't be in the school? I think he may be manipulating one of the assistant principals, too, so any tips on how I might help the principal really see what is going on would be helpful. His mom died recently, but I have not seen him exhibit any sincere emotions as I have seen in other kids who have problems and are acting out-- all I get from him is boredom and/or manipulation.
Within the last week, I have just found out the truth to all the lies my fiance has told me. I was very confused and hurt by his behavior and the truth is so much more devastating. I need help. I feel trapped by a sociopath. I can not move out. I don't know what he is planning behind my back (anything is possible). I'm in shock over the situation. I was blind and felt I found the man I was going to marry. He is still married, has seven children with three different women. Each relationship overlapping with deceit. He has only been living with me for two months and has already started to seek other women. Stating his texts from other women or to women are nothing (while I am at work). He makes plans and goes out without me (conveniently using the excuse that I am working). I am afraid.
my boss was a sociopath!
my former supervisor is a sociopath. after years of being manlipulated by her. I have finally come to the realization of this fact. A psychiatrist that worked at the facility actually proclaimed her to be a sociopath. I have witnessed this person destroy so many lives. Her lies are unbelievable. I was malipulated for years before I caught on. Finally figured out she was narcissistic, but her behavior goes far worse.She created havoc on our medical unit.had temper tantrums. treated the patients like dirt. divided the staff. told lie after lie. targeting one person after another. we all knew we would be her target sooner or later. I finally left and told her supervisor about her behavior. making fun of someone who had recently DIED! racial slurs! bullying other co workers. snickering and making fun of others! The other employees were so frightened of her, ( the had a right to be) they wouldn't say a word against her. She then set about to ruin my reputation at his facility. I had a very good work history at this company. She had told the higher ups that I had been fired!! I was in no way fired. I gave notice and even stayed of to work as needed. At the time she did everything she could to discourage me from staying on. She was scheming even then. There is no telling what she put in my file!! she was finally removed from that position AFTER SHE ASSAULTED ANOTHER EMPLOYEE!! I still have nightmares about this person. she has no soul!! rough estimate is she got 15 people directly fired from the company, this is not an exaggeration. We were forbidden to talk to people she had targeted as her enemies. The worst part is she is still working for this company. she has sued time after time. If you don't think these people are dangerous think again!!
This is so strange. I just recently came out of a relationship with a man who is everything described above.
I see now he is a sociopath. He manipulated, lied, cheated, deceived, but even admitted he was a good actor. N now I know. He told me sob stories about his life when we first met, n then told me he lived me within a few weeks of dating. He said he wanted to marry me!
I had red flags goin off in my head as an old acquaintance had told me something similar before.
this one, was clever.
He preyed on my good nature n told me he loved me n wanted to b with me.
My mum met him for the first time n I had said something, nothin bad, but my mum said he was real nasty towards me. This year, he verbally abused me for no reason. He acted very well infront of his family.
he is a trucker n works alone. He is constantly wanting sympathy if he doesn't want u to throw things back at him, but he can do it to u.
I suspected him of cheating, as he kept disappearing for times on end. He lied to me about staying with family in Boston, he never picked up when I called, n always had to.b one up on me. He had to win. I helped him with his phone bill three times n I said to.him I want my money back, n he said I told him he didn't have to, which is a lie. He said he will pay me back, n that he is a man if his word, but he kept promising to visit me in London after last year, n he never did.
He lied saying he never had any money, but he bought guns, New ps3, Xbox 360 etc. That money he could have paid back. He is a sociopath. A covert aggressor. He will never stop. He said he doesn't owe me an apology. He is not remorseful.I know that I have to change my own thoughts bout myself, so I don't attract another sort like him.
My mum caught him out n he thought he could fool her,but my mum has been through something like this so saw through him.
Unfortunately, I figured out my son was engaged to a sociopath too late. He died 3 weeks ago. Suicide. Took a 38 to his head. He loved her so much. He believed she was cheating on him. I know my son occasionally smoked synthetic pot...could have played a role in his deth also. Anyway, they had been dating a year or so. She has a small child from some previous relationship. I tried to warn my son that there was something about her I didn't trust. She lied all the time. Numerous different stories about her baby's father (identity and relationships) Sh lied about owning her house, car, just multiple subjects. I never questioned her on any of it but I knew she was lying frequently and for no apparent reason. She was also cold and unkind to my young son who was only seven. She had a lot if drama in her life stories...molested by a preacher at church as a child...supernatural experiences as a child...died on the operating table during a previous surgery and again during recovery. Most of her behavior was extreme. Seemed to be phony and especially when trying to act hurt or upset about anything! Could barely work up a tear. She took advantage of my son's love and controlled him. Forced him to try to have a baby when he could barely support them on 10$ per hr job. She said "The doctor said if she was going to have another baby it better be soon cause she needed a hysterectomy." She knew weeks before he died that he had threatened to kill himself with a gun because she was cheating on him. He tried to leave her twice but it never lasted more than 2 hours. She told no one of his threats of suicide! Then told me that it wasn't herfault he died because "I" had shut her down by saying I didn't want involved in their relationship problems so she felt alone! My son could have been saved but she never told me he was suicidal! She did however, tell the police my son was hearing voices for the past several months and fighting demons in his head! My son never complained about this to me! I did know he was under a lot of stress and depressed over her unfaithfulness. She also put all this strain on him while refusing to get a job and help support them and her child. I could go on and on about the signs I see in her now that it is too late. Who in their right mind would not try to get someone help who had made threats of suicide! A sociopath. My heart is broken. I love and miss my son so much.
hi, my ex bf has ATSD, PTSD, anxiety and depression. at the begging of the relationship he was fine but later on he showed his true colors he loves to play mind games always trys to play the dominit one and have that control i new there was something wrong with him but i have similar disorders thought we maybe could help echother he seems to tell me that the docter said there was nothing wrong with him. could he be a sociopath?
Is he a sociopath? Doesn't sound like it to me. But if he has most or all of these characteristics, he probably is:
http://sociopathcomments.blogspot.com/2009/10/how-to-tell-sociopath-from-others.html
I have a brother in law and his wife who I believe is a sociopath and she is a Pollyanna disorder that moved down to my small home town and took our land and house plans, lived off us for free for 7 months. My husband and I invited his younger single brother down to help us build homes and live with us then in a strange turn of events my husbands older brother and family ended up selling their home and moving down with us ,being reluctant knowing we didn't trust them, but couldn't turn away family. They convinced us we should build their home because he had no skills and was lazy and after months realized our family could not afford the burden. As we were contemplating what to do our lawyer neighbor informed us his brother had a caveat on all our property for the last 2 months my husband and my family had been helping him build his house for free. We immediately threw them out and stopped building. We of course helped get temporary living on the property they were building on. They continued to drain my home community for freebies and got people to help build his home for nothing or little pay. Their reputation became known not to work with out pay first and people walked away mad how they lost money on helping them. Their house is done 3 years later. The community dislikes them but we are small, kind and generous so my brother in law and wife are clueless generally to the people that dislike them. They have a few outsiders in the community that side with them that tend to have similar traits and dislike for the community. We still live in the house in front of them because the housing market is bad and we cannot sell and they left us in bigger debt and penniless. They have no shame and have turned my husbands family, who still lives in the city, against us. They seem very vindictive and though they hate the town they won't leave and say they will win. Win what I don't know. We avoid them at all cost but attend the same church. They have made church miserable for everyone and seem to like that. They are causing so much turmoil for me and our family. What can anyone suggest for our situation. We do not want to leave because my family and the farm is here and we are trying to move to the farm, which is still in the community. They seem set on making us pay for whatever they think we did to them. We gave them the land for the same price my family bought it for over 15 years ago and settled out of court so he didn't have to pay his lawyers. That land was our inheritance we gave to them exactly what we payed for. My brother in law thought he should get half off the price cause he didn't want all the land but the county said he had to have it for a septic. So he is mad we didn't pay for half. There is so many other things he blames us for. The town people cannot believe his pure hate for us and his vindictive nature. We are at a loss what to do. Any advice?
Okay heres one for you guys,
I know i definitly dated a sociopath who also had severe depression problems amongst other things someone extremely mentally ill. he lives in a house his parents pay for he doesnt have a job and hasnt had one in the 2 years we were together. when i met him he told me it was his house, his car, he had an awesome job, etc- come to find out IT WAS ALL LIES!!!!! his parents pay for the house he lives in becuz they dont want him living with them and becuz when they were going to kick him out of the house he tried killing himself and if his dad didnt come to the house he would of died his dad saved him from overdosing on some kind of pills. he was extremely abusive verbally and physically and if i called him out on a lie he'd freak out! he always seemed to hurt all of his loved ones with him not seeming to care at all, it was always about him being extremely self centered and selfish. always made me feel like i was doing something wrong that everything was always my fault, always put me down. I finally got outta that relationship when i found out he was talking to girls behind my back telling them lies about me telling them lies of how good he was doing with his new job...that he didnt have. and when he threatened my life saying he had a 6ft hole with my name on it. Now if that isnt a sociopath i dont know what is....
Hi there,
My name is Eliza and I have come across your article more than once. It is very good, yet I have some questions for you.
How come there are so many people with similar experiences online, yet we don't really talk or learn about this kind of interpersonal problem in daily life with family, friends, etc.?
Also, how do you explain people who seem to easily attract, encounter and/or challenge/antagonize sociopaths and narcissists throughout their life as if an unwanted pattern has developed?
Eliza, those are good questions. If you'll notice, many of the people who write in have just realized they've been dealing with a sociopath for the last 20 years or however long. So it's possible we know people personally who have a sociopath in their lives, but they don't yet realize the person is a sociopath.
The percentage of sociopaths in the population is one out of fifty.
And about the attraction factor, just like any other characteristic, people are often attracted to what is familiar to them. So children of alcoholics sometimes end up marrying alcoholics, for example.
Maybe the same thing is happening with people who have more than one relationship with a sociopath.
Okay thanks for that. I can accept that. Now how do I deal with ex-in-laws who believe that their narcissistic/sociopath son is perfect and who imply that I am the one who caused him to behave badly in reaction to me? (Basically acting as a narcissistic/sociopath)?
We have a child together and I include them in her life, but with their disapproval of me due to their son's lies.
You can either try to convince them otherwise, or stop including them so much in your daughter's life. Family isn't everything.
Okay, but I feel they enable their son to be the narcissist/sociopath that he is and I have kept them away for 10 years by living far away. Now that I have moved closer, they say they will visit all of the time. The son/ex is just like Scott Peterson, who's on death row, while his father is passive-aggressive and his mother is ultra manipulative, yet over-protective. It's like a perfect storm.
So my last comment/question is that we(non-sociopaths)easily seem to label these kinds of people as sociopaths once we realize what is going on, yet we are still so shocked by their behavior in spite of the neuro-scientists findings about brain function. Are we naive, or is our culture failing us?
Thanks,
-Eliza
I think the reason we're so shocked, Eliza, and why sociopaths are so intriguing, is that it is almost impossible to imagine being like that. Normal people find it difficult to conceive of it. Even after spending so much time learning about it, I still have a hard time imagining what it must be like.
I am reading a very interesting book right now called The Wisdom of Psychopaths and the author, Kevin Dutton, actually temporarily knocks out part of his brain to find out what it is like to be a sociopath. I haven't gotten to that chapter yet, so I don't know how it worked, but that may be the only way for people to really understand the kind of person a sociopath really is.
So basically they can't help themselves and they're doing their best with their limitations to play along? Also, their behavior is out of their control, and they don't have a clue or any possible insight as to their role in any interpersonal problems? Is that what I am supposed to conclude?
It is hard to get my head around that. I feel dumb for not recognizing them better, but now I am becoming almost prejudiced and catching myself stereotyping people/strangers as possible sociopaths. It's a hopeless perspective to feel surrounded by numbed brained aliens disguised as people.
I'm afraid it's worse than that, Eliza. A sociopath's behavior is not out of his control. They definitely have a clue as to their role in interpersonal problems. But they don't care. It is hard to grasp what it would be like to just not care about feelings. To not care about causing someone else pain. When a normal person says, "I just don't care," we mean, "You hurt me and now I'm mad at you. That is actually still caring.
A sociopath really and truly just doesn't care about your feelings at all, except when those feelings might work to his advantage.
Okay thanks for that. I listened to CNN's profile interview with Kevin Dutton the other day and I had heard of his new book that you said you are reading. I had also read Robert Hare's book, Without Conscience years ago.
To summarize:
“Method” psychopaths have a very discreet and nuanced personality style characterized by shamelessness, fearlessness, ruthlessness, charm, charisma, mental toughness, focus, coolness under pressure (stress immunity), lack of empathy, and conscience, (with or w/o violence and intelligence.) said, Kevin Dutton.
Psychopathy is on a spectrum (high/low), not black or white. Some people have more of some of these characteristics and blend them in different ways. Think of a sound equalizer.
Functional, successful psychopaths are lower on the impulsivity scale and can delay gratification. This is a major difference between dysfunctional psychopaths and functional psychopaths.
His first book was on persuaders and con artists, kings of manipulation. Their opposites are anxious, fearful nervous people. Psychopaths don’t have insight into themselves, and they lack anxiety. The antisocial, narcissism, impulsivity dials are turned down low on successful psychopaths.
They see their failings as failings in others, and their problems are projected back onto others as the cause. For a psychopath others “deserve it” if they can con them or hurt them. You get what you deserve when dealing with a psychopath so learning to recognize them is key as long as they are kept at arm’s length.
Dutton’s work is similar to the work of the psychologist, Hans Eysenck, just tweaked out a bit more.
Finally, what kind of person is interested in understanding psychopaths?
Thanks,
-Eliza
Thanks, Eliza. Probably most people who are interested in understanding psychopaths are those who have been or are in a relationship with one.
But anyone can be interested just because it is so surprising and hard to comprehend. Puzzling.
I personally feel that a more widespread understanding of sociopaths would help prevent them from gaining so much power in political and business arenas, which could ultimately prevent a lot of suffering and even save lives in the long run.
I say that because as soon as they are seen for what they are, especially for people in a relationship with one, their manipulations stop working. It is amazing to me how few people even know what a sociopath is, or that they exist among us and not just in prisons.
I think that the assumption that the only thing left in life when you take away the time spent on relationships and emotions is the will to win is at best very unimaginative idea. I would even go as far as to say it is complete bullwaste. People with aspergers are less motivated by emotions and relationships, but instead may spend there time studying science, on projects etc.
Who ever wrote this article may like to know that there is an whole universe out there that can be studied by the less people focused. Being less emotional and less focused on relationships does not make someone a bad person, there is nothing wrong with it at all. Who ever has wrote this article has really took a narrow shot of there own life and applyed it to the rest of the world.
A person does not become a sociopath because there less emotional and do not care about others, infact being less emotional does not mean you dont care. Its possible to live from pure mind, no heart and emotion there and value every living system on the planet.
Many people do very bad things because they have lots of emotion and connection to others to start with, maybe more then the norm. Over the years they feel constant rejection by those that set out to bully them, but because they feel more then normal people every little thing hurts them more. In time they grow to hate others, really hate them, they become fulled with a constant need for something but dont know what it is and feel others are holding it back from them. These people could go on to fit your description.
In todays world emotions and emphathy are over rated. Humans fear anyone who appears to have less emotion. Emphathy appears to translate to good, and lack of it appears to translate to evil. In reality this is just not true, as emphathy is the ability to put your self in anothers shoes and gain an understanding of there suffering, feel it as they do. Just because a person can know how another feels does not mean that the person will want to help them, hell no. The will to do good comes from intent, from the mind, and not the emotions.
I pose that to be capable of true evil and to be really able to hurt another you have to have emphathy and be able to feel all the emotions yourself. A person can use there emphathy to know how to do real harm, and see the results. Women have more emphathy then men, this can be good if the womans good, and bad if she is a bitch as she can really hit where it hurts because of it.
A person who does not feel fear themselves will not know there hurting others by scaring them. A person like this may think others are making a fuss of nothing, "if only these other people could see past there own wimpering emotions they would be so much happier". But when the person gets taught biology and learns about the fear response etc, they then become aware that others get scared. They can then choose to change how they act to avoid triggering the fear response of others. A mind free from emotion would not have hate for others, so would have no reason to want to hurt others.
Some say the reason to hurt others is for personal gain, only a stupid person could think they gain anything by hurting another. Often the gain that motivates people to hurt others is revenge, a motive you get when your feelings are hurt.
I say that emotion is not a key player in a person being good or evil. If people with emotion are nice to others so others will be nice back then are they been nice just to spare there own feelings in the end. A person who knows there motivation to treat others well is because they know what its like to be hurt and dont want to be hurt in return. A person like this would think that a person unable to feel would hurt others as they think there own emotion and emphathy is what makes them good. Imagine a person who cannot be hurt back but chooses to be good anyway just because they can, been less emotional then others frees them from the bitterness that comes after hurt.
The normal emphathy of people only switches on when another suffers greater then the observer, if the observer thinks someone has it better then them, emphathy is gone like a thief in the night. A big problem for a species who often sees the grass greener on the other side. Those emphathy driven people soon slip in to envy, there the so called "there for you when your down hate you when your doing well" types. Emphathy is not unconditional love, its not divine or special. Emphathy does not even extend very far, as you pointed out in the article, a persons sense of remorse and guilt is in proportion with the level of the relationship they have with the person they have wronged. That in my view translates to: because i care about them there more important and deserve to be treated better. And: i dont want to see them suffer because i love them and would be hurt too if something happened to them (as my emphathy would be triggered!).
This is a strange notion of good.
In many ways it gives rise to evil where one is able to leave a stranger to die in the street simply because there nothing to you so dont trigger an emotional response in you. Or in the case where envy prevents emphathy switching on and we get a situation where someone is treated badly because they have something you dont (example they are in better shape, or richer)and your unable to see there suffering because of it.
Emphathy and emotional love are not true love, there instead conditional. The reason why there conditional is because there not thought about, people just love who they love and are related to the people there born to. Most people are also not aware how there emotions make them do bad things. The urge to care for children is good, but 20 years in the future when that child is another adult where does that urge go?
True unconditional love can only be found through mind, at this point love and information become one, the heart and mind the same thing. In that state there are many things to do, your never alone as your connected to the rest of the universe. You feel a connection to all living things, you no longer love things based on the relationship they have to you. The unconditional love comes from an understanding that all things are there in this universe are part of the divine plan, and are loved because of that, rather then because they serve you directly. Yourself is also part of that divine plan, and in on the same level as all other things. At this point grandiose cannot exist, not when you realise that yes you are important, and so is everything else in the universe just as important. Your special and so is everyone else, theres room for everyone at the top in this world view because there is no bottom.
Also you will not emphathise with a problem someone has but will instead tell them a way out of it. In place of envy you mind is inspired by someone in a better place then you are at present, and that inspiration acts as an healer by informing you how to improve your situation. Through that you realise the best way forward is to be good at something and show it off to those who dont have it, as inspiring them to change there situation is better then emphathy.
And im not manic, im in touch with reality, but not with the current exceptable one.
Since becoming more aware over the past few years of some of the understandings out there of what a sociopath supposedly is, I have occasionally wondered whether I myself fall into this category.
It is a fascinating topic to me, because I think it touches on some fundamental philosophical questions about good and evil and what it means to be human.
I can't say I'm very impressed by the "Common Everyday Sociopaths" article however, although it seems to have served a valuable purpose by generating a lot of comments.
It struck me as rather self-contradictory in some important respects. For instance, author Adam Khan says at one point that "sociopathy is a sliding scale" and that "a person can be very sociopathic or only slightly, and anywhere in between." That sounds very plausible to me, not only because of my own sense of self (more on that in a bit), but because it seems to me that most things in life tend to be like that (a matter of degrees rather than of absolutes).
Notwithstanding that acknowledgment, however, most of Khan's piece seems to talk about people with sociopathic tendencies as if they are all fulll-fledged sociopaths. For example he writes, "A sociopath's goal is to win. And he (or she) is willing to do anything at all to win."
He also writes with the strange apparent assumption that his readers are *not* sociopaths, (e.g. "Some feelings that you and I might find intolerable might not bother a sociopath at all"), even though he cites researchers as saying that from 1-4% of the general population are sociopaths, and such estimates would likely be on the low side as applied to readers here, since who is more likely to be interested in an article about sociopaths than a sociopath?
I also find disturbing that Khan states sociopathy "has little to do with upbringing" and that "researchers have found that the brains of sociopaths function differently than normal brains."
Yet despite making this case that sociopaths cannot help being who they are, most of Khan's article takes a fairly strongly judgmental tone toward them, with lines such as "Sociopaths don't have as much to think about as normal people, so they can be very clever and conniving." That is surely a total non-sequitur. Why would someone be more "clever and conniving" as a result of not having much to think about? If anything, it seems to me that people who *do* spend a lot of time thinking about relationships with other people are more likely to be clever and conniving in their dealings, because being clever and conniving usually requires some thought and planning.
In fact the whole premise that sociopaths are more likely to suffer from boredom, and that their lives are empty except for a focus on winning, seems extremely dubious. Think of the classic stereotype of someone who is preoccupied with, and focused on scientific inquiry (e.g. studying beetles or the cosmos), rather than on human relationships. Such a person stereotypically has poor social skills, but is by no means devoid of feelings of love, conscience, guilt, fear, fairness, etc. Some scientists are competitive-minded, certainly, but many are much more interested in the work itself than in "winning" a competition with others about it.
(Continued from previous comment)
Anyway, my own experience is that I tend to experience emotions differently from many people. I sometimes describe it as feeling somewhat detached. But I don't experience this lack of emotions consistently. I think I can become as frustrated or angry or sympathetic or grateful over small, daily occurrences as an average person (to the extent there is such a thing!) -- e.g. being stuck in traffic, getting into a heated argument, seeing a bus driver pull away as someone is running to try to catch the bus, having someone do me a personal kindness like returning a lost item to me, etc.
But if I learned that a family member or someone close to me had just been brutally raped and murdered, it probably wouldn't affect me very strongly (again compared to the prototypical "average person").
It's not that I don't have a strong sense of fairness and justice -- to the contrary, I have dedicated much of my life to volunteer efforts to make the world a better place through political activism -- I simply don't think I tend to *feel* such things strongly. Far from lacking the ability to imagine how things look from someone else's point of view, I feel that I may have such a strong ability to look at things from the big picture, and empathize with everyone, that unless an event *directly* involves me and kind of triggers involuntary emotional responses, I'm immediately able to put such events in context, realizing for instance that someone on the other side of the world whom I'd never met and didn't know who was just raped and murdered in Zaire may be just as good and deserving a person as my friend or family member, and that their loss may leave just as big a hole as mine.
I'm the kind of person who, when playing a team sport, may disagree with the rest of my teammates and argue in favor of a ref's call supporting the other team, if I believe the call was fair. I think I tend to look at the situation objectively rather than from the more parochial point of view that most people tend to take in such situations.
But perhaps the downside of this is that I feel this way because I can't form "normal" caring relationships with those around me -- I just don't know.
I do think it's possible for someone to be what most people would consider a "good person" in society and behave "properly" toward those around them, despite lacking anything like a "normal" conscience or "normal" feelings of caring about others. I believe it is possible to arrive at such a way of being intellectually, without being wired to "truly care". Just because someone doesn't have a well-developed conscience or is not hard-wired to feel empathy won't automatically make them *behave* insensitively toward others, I think, because it is possible to see what the "right thing to do" is by means of intellectual reasoning and general knowledge of society and how most people are.
OMG, I just read "Neon's" comments, and they are spot on! Express very well some of the things I was trying to communicate in the two comments I just posted, but I think he/she really got more to the heart of some of it. Well said, whoever you are!
I started out in life a very compassionate person because that is how I’ve been brought up to believe “that this is a world of compassion and goodwill” no wonder then that despite of my very good IQ I was dope many times in my life by many people because I am so trusting And found it difficult to believe that goodwill is not innate to every human. The highlight was marrying a woman with some sort of personality disorder. She has at least 9 of your sp checklist but I do not consider her one rather she is some kind that desperately and constantly needs attention and approval. And because of that she has cause so much trouble in my life and my children’s. Until one day I decided to investigate the Bible which leads to many investigations. Now I see the world as an sp does “a world of lies and deception and manipulation and the sp’s are on top. An inferior world indeed. like eric does I think most people here are inferior. But let me be clear that I am not an sp on the other hand I am still the very compassionate person minus the trusting thus I see things in their real color. Take for example your advice on how to spot an sp. Has he lied to you; did you feel been used? It is evident that by then the damage has been done common sense will tell us that it is imperative that a person must be able to detect an sp before a damage is done thus that makes the advice somewhat moronic but not yet too late as the victim can still recover. Another example is the failure of almost all here to pick up on the post of the Hollywood monster worker. He gives excellent points and advice. So may I request that he continue with his ways as how to deal with an sp, as others did not. Right from the start when you said that control or winning is what matters to an sp, I immediately see the sp’s vulnerability. If he is obsessed by winning then that is his weakness which you and I can use as leverage. Some humor perhaps as one describes and of course a dose of his own medicine. Yes I acknowledge as many did that everyone has an sp tendency. Sp’s might be master of the sp emotional craft but they are not master of their emotion totally as they can not leave the sp domain. I can change from an sp attitude to not depending on the person I am dealing with. Of course these unique personality of mine is brought about by the unique environment I went through as is everyone is unique . Thus it is no point pointing and blaming anyone and I mean anyone. The incapacity of many to handle an sp is brought about by none acceptance of their nature but ones you accept them as they are, as a product of the environment they went through you also win the weapon in protecting yourself against them. So replace your anger towards these people with humor. Needless to say that anger is a clear indication that they are affecting you and thus you are susceptible to their control.
What I really want to see in this world is for most people to wake up on the big time manipulations and lies and control by the GLOBAL ELITE (goggle it. They are big time sociopath). So that this world, OUR lives will be far better than the status quo. Some examples of their created realities are Scarcity, God separated from us( via religion) and everyone separate from the others, Global warming, False science this includes medicine we will be better off not believing the PHD’s, heaven and hell etcetc.
Sugested sites; david icke; venus project by fresco; free energy lessons; permaculture; Tanya kotsos Einstein fake,follow the links therein and you will find enlightenment. BUT again this is a world of lies, read between the lines. The keyword is do not trust anything or anybody except your conscience and common sense.
Have a nice day, that is what life is all about
J
For the benefit of many, I like the “no light in the eyes” by one of the bloggers mom. The very first split second I met the eye of an stranger sums up who he is. Never make a second time opinion for you will be decieve.
I am involved in a business arrangement wityh a sociopath11111 hE LIES AND DOES EVERYTHIG POSSIBLE TO UNDERMIND EVERYONE ELSE. tHERE IS EVEN A LONG AGO 6 YEARS....SUSPECTED UNSOLVED MURDER HANGING OVER HIS HEAD. I am seeking advice: is it wise to call him on a lie,,,,?
We are better than you human. We can out think you, and we don't need you.
I submit to you that there are far more sociopaths out there than believed. @4% at least. Many of them work as corp executives; positions of authority. High ranking bureaucrats. Any one who can use force of the state against you legally. As example and especially environmentalists, the EPA, FDA, and Salazar's thuggy department; for example, its dishonest methods to close down the small oyster business off coast of Cal and for which it has no authority. These sociopathic characters like to see people suffer; they feel no guilt; they lie and cheat to get what they want; as you said "to win." So ladies look at a guy's career path as hint as to his potential sociopathology.
Real Liberal, it may be 4%. Some experts estimate that's the right percentage. Some only say it's one percent. I thought it was interesting that in studies on oxytocin, only two percent of people did NOT respond to it. Maybe that's sociopaths. More research needs to determine if there are other pathways to sociopathy besides no response to oxytocin.
For me personally, it doesn't matter what the percentage is. What matters is that I am capable of recognizing them and keeping them out of my life.
For the last 2 years, I have had severe anxiety and depression, confusion, uncertainty, failure, homelessness, poverty... She drove me insane with headgames, lies, cheating, deceit and emotional abuse. Vicious, vindictive, abusive, sadistic. I was with her for three years; three years with a MASK. The woman I loved, admired and trusted didn't even exist! Why is it that I am the one who suffers for her lack of conscience? Is there or is there not justice in this Universe? I was hospitalized, homeless, heartbroken and she LAUGHED at me, slandered me, and congratulates herself in public to this day for her empathy, compassion, and "enlightenment". And I am the one who's insane?
My "friends" told me "get over it" and thought I was silly for being so badly hurt. I lost the respect of my friends,peers and colleagues, my reputation as a professional and a man, my home, my job, my confidence, comfort and sanity. I often think, "It will get better over time", but I still have nghtmares, agoraphobia and nearly unbearable anxiety. It seems there's nothing I can do to "get over it". I'm afraid that my psyche was too badly wounded and that I'm scarred for life.
This isn't histrionics, drama, self-pity, (Is it?) I got hurt pretty bad. I've lost my faith in humanity. I don't trust anybody anymore... I remember the day I felt something in my head break like a spring that was wound too tight. She broke me - and laughed.
What do you call four sociopaths at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Paul, your trauma is not at all unusual. Sociopaths can devastate people. I know of at least one therapist who specializes in helping the victims of sociopaths: Barbara Monett. She has groups and individual sessions available most of the time. If her schedule is full, she will put you on a waiting list. She charges $100 an hour for her services, and can work with you on the phone.
Email me if you want her contact information. My email is: rising.up@gmail.com.
How did you come to the conclusion she was a sociopath? Did you even know everyday sociopaths existed?
I wrote to a prisoner once, he was the most manipulative and evil person I've ever met. I believe he was a sociopath. Very scary behavior.
@Paul G
Hi Paul,
been there done that... completely manipulated by my SP.. she sounds very similar to mine. You're stuck in a loop of self pity, denial and anger.. and from personal experience it is a very hard place to get out of. Although you can't see this now, you will have become a much stronger person from your relationship with the parasite.
Ok, clearly you were a very trusting person prior to this, and now every new person you meet you're left with nagging doubt on opening yourself up... well, so what... the universe has taught you a lesson and you will benefit from it in the end.. trust me.
If there is one thing I've learned is that SP's can only operate in one way... they are so obvious, I can spot them a mile off now.. its quite funny really.. They are so one dimensional and can only act in one way.. Empty vessels, that's all.
So, when I meet someone whom I perceive to be an SP, I play along and be the person they want me to... it is hysterical..
What I think you're doing, is constantly replaying parts of your past relationship, and then castigating yourself for be being stupid.. In a way, I still do this.. but now instead of trying to stop myself thinking about this I actively try to remember... i.e. making my mind not suppress the thoughts.. After a while, your mind will become bored of the same thing... Read up on NLP, and see if this helps..
I also did a few other thing to help me move on... 1. Write a blog (dont mention the person by name! I used the term nameless one) and 2. write a book, both are very good cathartic activities to focus your energies, oh and read the following book:
The codependents guide to the twelve steps.
It's been 4 years since the end of my relationship, and yes it doesn't go away, but the anger diminishes and the confidence returns.
Good luck Paul,
Zem
I've come across this site as I am trying to put the pieces of a puzzle together regarding one of my children. Ween I was searching upon the things that got me worried, such as lies, manipulation, impulsiveness, boredom, etc. Google got me to sites concerned with ASPD.
I'm in the process of reading the comments but not only halfway through, however I wanted to write a post and would be very interested in reading other people's comments.
My question is, do sociopaths experience anxiety, anxiety disorders, e.g. panic attacks, depression, and do they cry?
By that I mean real tears, such as my son was crying recently when his girlfriend broke up with him and he cried for days...
Thanks to anyone who decides to read this lengthy post and cares to respond.
(Mimoza)
Anonymous,
Just came across this site. My life crossed paths with a very wealthy, wall street, sociopath. I didn't even know what a sociopath was at the time. How do I free a victim of a wealthy white male sociopath?
signed, A
Maybe I can shed some light for those with daughters who are sociopaths.
My daughter was tested and diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder when she was 17. After taking a 2 hour test, cannot remember the letters, she showed NO EMOTIONS on the entire test. In fact, everything except for 1 place was below the normal curve. The therapists told me what she was and I was stunned.
Their behaviors are confusing, misleading, they lie, steal, make up stories, embellish, act the part, fake everything except anger, and are usually addicts.
They use to "FEEL" something as I was told. Another early indication is late bed wetting...bet you've never heard that one huh?
Fast forward; she is now in her late 20s, married with 2 daughters that I adore.
My decision is this: Risk seeing them or have most everything stolen that isn't well hidden. She steals meds, money, objects in my business, and never stops! Took all my expensive jewelry and when I filed a police report, she put some pieces back. WOW! What a shocker.
I am at my wits end knowing I may never see my grands again, but I am losing sleep, my health is deteriorating, and the stress is horrible.
Her husband tolerates her but won't leave her yet. I did attempt to get custody before she married of her first child, but that was a waste of time. The child has to be practically dead before the cops will do anything!
She has lost her license before, had her tags removed, never pays bills, never has money, yet she does but where it goes? Who knows...drugs?
It is a sad situation, but I want to live in peace.
My best to all parents! Others who are married, dating, or whatever, just LEAVE. Don't take the drama, you have it made! Those of us with a child that IS one, that is the worst!
My younger brother scores very high on Hare's index and my dad was autistic [a psychopath that is too screwed up to fake a good personality]. I live in a senior housing place with 200 people. I've been having major problems with the half-dozen psychopaths. I undertook some study to sort this out and developed the skill to recognize them. They are so used to running their agenda and lying in court and getting away with literal murder. I developed a policy for them: never in my personal space, never in my finances, I don't take shit from them without some retribution on my part and I'm not their dildo. They don't like me.. it is a little scary having so many potential murderers not liking me but I have to do something to preserve my sense of worth. I'm working on getting them convicted of crimes.
i live next door to two sociopaths. They fit the bill to a "t". I have completely shut these two people off from my life. Unfortunately they have started this little attack on me and my family and dogs. I have repeatedly had to call the police on these two. the police have just got tired of listening to me. so i went out and bought a camera and caught there behavior on tape and showed the police. the police wrote me a letter stating that indeed that one of the people was lying to the police. you see these two people would complain to the police about me. they would say i was doing something and then do the act themselves to me. of course they would tell the police i was doing the act before they did it to me so when i called the police it would sound like i was the lair. these folk are masters of manipulation.
Hi...
I will give a different perspective than most here. I am not a sociopath but have considered a sociopath my best friend for 4 years.
I know, you wonder how I know. He was diagnosed formally and after a time he accepted it himself. He is not violent, although he use to have a temper and took anger management classes for assault on a female 2 years ago. Over 4 years, he has been hateful at times, loving at times, funny, entertaining, treated me as his best friend and been honest at times. He has also lied, stolen, used me, manipulated, and been thoughtless. He was honest with me once that he couldn't love...and that he didn't really care about me, just had a bit of "attachment" as we had known each other so long.
In exchange for our close relationship, he has been honest with me about his motivations occasionally. I can never be sure. He also has used my credit cards ...taken my stuff, denied damanging my house. He states that he can't even tell when he lies as it is so easy.
What is my point for posting...?
I BELIEVED that if you showed love and if you cared that you could minimize how serious of a sociopath a person can be. This particular one was 15 when I got to know him and by 17 he was living with me. I cared and provided. At 18 he told me he was confident he was a sociopath. By 20 he said that I was doing nothing to change him and that you can't change anyone. By 21, I still believed he would be better with someone caring. He moved out at 21.5 on his own, as I would have never kicked him out without retribution.
Since that time, he has been occasionally in touch. Seen me if I requested...and used my credit card without authorization MULTIPLE times. I told him not too, he knows it is not authorized. Still he charges up to 100.00 per month. I cancelled the cared.
You get to the point where you do wise up. I can't expect otherwise actually. BUT it hurts. To those that think a sociopath cares...they do not.
Really.
I am unfortunately the sucker that they look for. My sociopath has protected me as I am "his" property in a sense. I will never be able to leave his possession I suspect but I do not fear him. I just have to protect myself.
Will he change? NO
Will he change? NO
Will yours change? No
I respect the sociopath. I wouldn't care if I was one as I consider it a natural variation of a human. But I am not...so I am forced to protect myself.
This time, AGAIN, I will know that he can not love. I will use him for what he is good for...and he will do the same.
That is fair.
Would a sociopath read this article to learn the things sociopaths do in order not to be discovered?
That is entirely possible. I've thought about that and considered the possibility that I'm contributing to the problem. But on the other hand, people need information so they can stop being such a victim.
I've decided that it does more good to make the information available, because as soon as you know such a thing exists as a sociopath, it doesn't really matter what they do: You will be able to recognize it.
The biggest problem with most of the people who have been a victim of sociopaths for longer than a couple of weeks is that they don't know such a thing exists, they think that "deep down everyone is a good person" and they hang on trying to help the person or trying to be loved by the sociopath. Just knowing sociopathy exists ends the whole thing.
Therapy for a sociopath helps the sociopath be better at fooling people who don't know sociopathy exists. I doubt it would help them fool a person who knows the characteristics of sociopaths.
My brother is a sociopath. He is 55 years old. He comes across as such a great guy. He acts like he cares about you, he's sweet when he meets a women. When your first meet him you'll walk away saying, " WOW" what a nice guy. The real him, is a lair, thief, user. He creates strife in the family. He is always bragging about himself, how intelligent he is, and how he gets promoted in his jobs. However, it is all lies. He is not depressed. He is such a con artist. He given tricked me in believing he somehow changed. He did not come out and said he changed, is was act , and the act was so good, I truly believed him, even knowing how he was all my entire life. Than he puts the knife in my back. This is not alcoholism , this is not PTSD . This is not drug addiction. This is not depression. This is a sociopath, with a capital S . If you confront him with evidence of his theft he goes on the attack like a lunatic. He goes to AA to pick up women acts like he has a problem drinking. He drinks a little, but he is no alcoholic, he is a con man. He told someone that he was dying from a brain tumor, so that they bought him drinks and dinner. He lives off of his mother, and takes all her money, and than tells everyone she lives with him and he is taking care of her. That he is a retired Navy Seal. Years ago on Christmas he told his young son, that a man was going to arrive to give him a computer. The poor kid sat looking out the window for hours. The computer never came, and of course it wasn't his fault, told he son BS story. All kinds of trouble with the law for mainly from ripping people off. He showed signs of being a sociopathy as a child. Back than he was called a troubled child. It didn't help that my mother backed up his lies, and made excuses for him. My father had all these traits as well, as did my mother, as does my younger brother. AS for me I did not come out of that house unscathed . Being subjected to those lies, I felt shame for being apart of that family. I hated my family, and never wanted to be like them. I suffer with depression, and I have been in therapy for years. My mother, father and two brother are all sociopaths. When someone tells me that they met a great guy, My antenna goes up. A sociopath can never change. Sociopaths will make your life hellish.
It saddens me that I cannot have a loving relationship with my original family. After years of therapy I have excepted this fact, it's sad but it is what it is. When you meet crazy..... RUN, and RUN fast.
My daughter had all of these traits and ended up she was on drugs and was diagnosed bipolar my husband later also displayed same things turned out on meth so just be careful and don't enable the behaviors watch for clue. and talk with others
My husband's ex wife is what I believe to be a sociopath. They had a short marriage that ended in divorce when my husband figured out what she was. That was twenty years ago and she is still in our lives because of the son they had together. They split when he was three and she absolutely believed that he was her property - he belonged to her and she would do anything necessary to keep it that way. She moved across the country so we couldn't see him, accused my husband of all kinds of atrocities in court to try to get his visitation taken away and has never stopped harassing us in indirect ways. She systematically called the IRS every couple of months and accused my husband of cheating on his taxes. She lies and manipulates everyone, including her father, who is financially supporting her.
My concern is for my stepson. She treats him like her possession, and sometimes it seems as they are in more of a marriage than a mother son relationship. Not physically, but emotionally she relies on him like you would on your husband. She was very, very over protective as he was growing up, so he really didn't have much in the way of life experiences. He is now away at university and she is going off the deep end - making him feel guilty that he left her and trying to sabotage his education so he'll come home to her. She stole his computer and his glasses and refuses to give them back! She'll call him and start a huge fight every time he's preparing for a final exam.
Does anyone here recognize this behavior or had similar experiences with a sociopathic mother? I sometimes wonder if she has other disorders along with because it seems that true sociopaths don't really have emotional connections like this. Although, when my stepson finally tried to stand up to her just recently, she disowned him and told him he was dead to her. That lasted for a month until she got him to apologize to her and blamed him for everything!
We don't know how much information to give him. For example, we've told him she's not well and has a "disorder", but he never asks what it is. We don't want to do any further damage by bombarding him with more information than he's ready for, but it seems the better armed he is with knowledge, the better off he'll be.
Here in Cali, thanks for creating this blog! I began dating a guy 5 months back, whom I believe is an S. I feel confused most of the time, he's very critical, probing and wanting constant clarification of any and all statements that I make! It's so frustrating, I'm a very happy person, I believe Jesus is my savior and I know how to treat people! But I'm walking on egg shells and when I'm around him, I never know if an expression on my face or a comment will set him off! This man's mother even told me her son is hard to get along with and please hang in there with him! When he walks in a room full of people, he commands the center of attention. He drinks like a crazy, even after the doctor told him his liver is bad! He medicates constantly with weed! He's a widower with 2 children that are spoiled to the umph degree! I have never seen so much waste and excessive spending! The children are not required to do chores around the house, and they live like pigs, when I spend time at his home, I feel like a dang maid, cook and a peice of meat for his hour of pleasure. He treats and talks to people like their beneath him. This man has a business and I see how people a products! Please offer advice. The one thing I have to say is this man buys me gifts, but won't offer (nor do I ask) for a dime! I spend my time, money what little I have to show that I care for him and his children. I dont' feel appreciated and frankly I think he expects my contributions. I can go on, but for the sake of my ranting, I'll await to hear your advice. He and one of his children whats me to move into their home! The oldest child at teenager obviously doesnt like me and I can't figure out what I've done? I stay out of his way, cook meals, take them to the movie, entertainment outlings! I' perplexed! Please send your advice!
Patient in Cali!
I was in a relationship with Derrick Langille, a sociopath..He has no regards for my feelings and keeps pushing things for me to see that is very hurtful...I wish he would go back to PA where he came from...
I started reading this blog because I think my older sister is a sociopath. She is 13 years older than me and has tried to control me ever since I was a child. She'd pose me and my other sister in weird ways and put makeup on our faces or do our hair in ridiculous ways. We were her real life "dolls." One time I remember her making me cry so bad because I had gas and she told me to lie on the ground in her bedroom and stare at the floor. It's one of the most traumatic experiences of my life as a child.
Now that we are adults, she still tries to make me feel inferior by saying I'm still a child who is "wet behind the ears." She also plays up on my insecurities by insulting me about my physical flaws.
She never wants to do anything unless the attention is all on her. My other sister and I are so fed up with her antics, we are ready to cut her out of our lives.
I'm tired of her playing the victim when she is the one causing drama in our family.
I was hoping to hear from Eric and find out if she really is a sociopath or just selfish.
I have stumbled onto this page because I think my ex might be a sociopath. He also has many characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder as well. He is for sure a pathological liar. It's hard to really determine if he really is a sociopath however because he does/did convey emotions but usually in regards to gaining something for himself (like pity), so I don't really know if it's all an act or not. He might be on the continuum tho. We were together 9 years (living together for 7 of those years) and although there were some red flags it was never enough for me to completely dismiss him. He always claimed to have a job , that he was going to school to get a better job, that we were going to be married, and have kids, etc. But he was always coming up with some excuse for why we never really progressed. And if I asked for proof he would get mad and accuse me of not trusting him rather than come up with anything. He always claimed that he loved only me, that I was the only woman for him and that we would be together forever. If I ever brought up any suspicions he would always turn the tables on me and accuse me of not trusting him and used sex/love as tools of manipulation. And I never had any concrete proof- it was more of a feeling.
This past September I finally found the proof I needed- this man had an affair 4 years ago and got the woman pregnant and ended up marrying her after the baby was about 3 months old. He had then proceeded to live a double life between both of us; he had gone on to have another child with her this past year and yet continued to lead me on about getting married and starting our own family. I found out that in fact he didn't even have a job nor had he been going to school. When he told me he was working, he was with her. When he told her he was working he was with me. He basically had 2 women supporting him and he could go back and forth between his 2 lives as he chose. He receives money from his father who lives in another state but his wife and I figured out that he lies to his family about his life as well. He would get mail from his family to my address- he told his family that he and his wife and kids lived at my address. Yes, I contacted his wife and we have compared notes- he basically told us both the same that (that he loved only us, that we were the only woman for him, etc). He even bought us both the same ring! After I found out the truth and confronted him he begged me not to contact her. He was very afraid for his family to find out. He did apologize but could give me no explanation for doing what he did. I don't believe he feels much remorse for it, only that he got caught. Plus I believe he was afraid his wife would leave him and then he would have nothing. He seems to have some attachment to his children according to her, but that might be more in terms of him just not wanting to lose the game rather than out of true love for them. He doesn't do much to help her around the house or with the kids. When he does do anything with the kids it's on his time. After I told her the truth, he finally came over to get all his stuff and basically turned into a jerk and denied that we had ever even been together. It was like he was a completely different person than the one I have known for 9 years. Then 3 days later he came over to apologize and tell me that he truly only loved me and that he wanted to get a divorce. This went on for 4 months until I finally contacted his wife again- while he was telling me that he wanted to be only with me, he was busy getting her pregnant again! I'm sure to keep her closer to him because he knows he has everything to lose. He kept his marriage from his friend of 27 years as well. After comparing notes with his friend and wife, I have come to the realization that he manipulated all of us- he likes to think he is smarter than anyone so I'm sure doing this gave him some kind of high. He doesn't use drugs or drink, but he is arrogant and charming. He doesn't have many true friends but in social settings he is charming and can talk to anyone. He prefers to spend his time alone however, and he spends a huge amount of time reading and researching serial killers and true crimes.
His wife has told me that she has tried to get him to leave, that she would not ask for child support, but he had threatened to kill her if she ever leaves him. I believe that she is a much more passive woman than myself and she admitted that she has just tried to keep the peace for her kids' sake. I used to stand up to him during our time together, so I believe that he realized that he wasn't going to be able to control me like he probably wanted. Even if he's not a sociopath, he's obviously messed up and I'm extremely thankful I can move on while she can't. I feel like she knows what she's dealing with but doesn't seem to want to or know how to get out. Which is fine if that’s what she wants, since it's her life and not mine. I hope that he doesn't contact me again, although he tends to turn up at my door at random times. He has not shown up since I contacted her this last time, but it's only been 3 weeks so who knows if he will or not. I am trying to understand why he could have done this, but I am realizing that I may never know the answer to that. I just tell myself that the man he presented to me never existed and in a way I have to grieve the loss of that man and the life I thought we had. It's fresh right now so it still hurts but I am hopeful that I will get though all this.
My son is with a sociopath. It is so scary and we feel so helpless about it. He was 20 when she became friends with him on Facebook. She used a fake name, fake photos. Fake age fake everything. My son sent her money over the next 6 months without ever having met her. We realize now that he was in trouble then but we didn't know the extent of it. He left our home state and went to WV to see her as soon as he finished his junior year of college. She told him so many lies, each one bigger than the last , and the biggest and. Most devastating of all was that she was pregnant and that she had it confirmed within 1 week of him arriving there. She told him to man up. Take care of this mess that you made. We tried to get him help but she had turned him against everyone he loved and trusted. She is the only one he trusts now. Her family told us she has been like this since she was 15 (she is 34 now) including lying and stealing from her family. The counselor we have been seeing told us that we will never be able to outmaneuver her. She has given birth to 4 children. And only has custody of 1 of the and that was exactly the same set up as my son. Can you ever get someone away from a sociopath or do they have to do that on their own?
Patient in Cali,
I read of your situation with much concern. I was married to a very angry and selfish man (didn't know what a sociopath was) - it was your "walking on eggshells" comment that got me. You deserve better. If you try to leave, he'll probably beg and plead and maybe cry (fake tears) so you won't leave, but if you want the urgent cry of one who's been there, I say get out while you can.
Fortunately for me, he died 12 years ago, but it's taken almost that whole time for me to recover from the abuse and wretched treatment.
Good luck.
I am glad I found this site because I have been divorced from my ex for a year now and he seems to still have control over my thoughts. When I met him I too thought I had found my soul mate. He liked to do all the things I enjoyed and made me feel so loved. Shortly after the birth of our first child he changed. I started to feel he didn't love me anymore and blamed myself. I have sense decided he married me because he wanted kids. It wasn't until I started seeing a therapist, who suggested my ex had a personality disorder, after meeting my ex, that I have come to believe he might be an SP. He was always so distant and my 2 kids and I would ask him constantly what was wrong, to which he would reply "nothing" We were made to feel that we were doing something wrong, and that we were never good enough. I changed for him completely trying to make him happy, never worked, and even did things I was uncomfortable doing, such as spanking him. If I did do something wrong he would punish me by ignoring me completely, even in public, making me feel like an outcast. He would not share anything. I found out about a promotion and an upcoming surgery he was having by accident. Whenever I was hurt by him ,emotionaly, and would cry he looked at me as if I was nuts and never would respond. I endured this unemotional man for more than 20 years feeling like it was all my fault. The last years he had me convinced that sex with another woman wold make him happy so I condoned it and it seemed to work for a short time. Then he convinced this woman that he loved her; to the point that she would text me telling me how he loved her, not me, and how pathetic I was compared to her. He, of course, saw nothing wrong with these texts which hurt me even more; and still I decided to fight for my marriage. Next he started texting a second woman,who lived in another state, and I begged him to stop and he made the comment "oh sure, and then you'll leave me and I will have no one" After the divorce he dumped the woman in town that he had convinced that he was the love of her life and kept in contact with the second woman who lives in another state, they see each other often now. He has since told this woman he loves her but still wants to have sex with me, and wants me to spank him until he bleeds. My problem is that even after all these years of living with this man, he still seems to have control over me and my thoughts, I still feel like I'm at fault and I want to help him, because I feel sorry for him. I am an intelligent woman, most times, but can't seem to shake these feelings. I guess I need conformation that I can't help him because he is a SP and someone to set me straight! He has hurt me so much and now I have major trust issues with all men. I feel totally damaged and completely confused.
I wonder if perhaps the diagnosis of more men than women could be incorrect, simply because of how men are conditioned not to complain about the abuse they receive from women. As well, what about BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)? This is seen to be related, even by some as the same thing, and when reading about it, it's most commonly stated that BPD occurs mostly in women.... Some food for thought, at least.
That's certainly a possibility. Another is that perhaps more men are less willing to tolerate a woman who uses them. Another possibility is that testosterone interferes with oxytocin as it is, and maybe therefore they are closer to having no response at all to oxytocin. Perhaps sociopathy is something like Asperger's — that is, it disproportionately affects men.
Where did Eric from 2009 disappear to? Wonder whats happening in his life a self claimed sociopath with wonderful tips on diagnosis and coping mechanisms.
What are peoples thoughts on this argument:
The only tested, infallible means for getting a sociopath to change direction is brokenness. If a sociopath is broken, they will realize that the current course of action will not lead to victory and they will abandon the current path in pursuit of a new one. If you want to get a sociopath to change their ways, the only thing that will work is brokenness. What is brokenness? The dictionary defines it as:
Fractured, Incomplete, In a state of disarray,
Discontinuous, containing gaps or errors,
Subdued, Totally humbled, Weakened, Infirmed,
Crushed by grief, Bankrupt,
Not functioning, Out of Order
Thank you all for explaining your feelings. They have given me so much insight. I now believe my sister is a sociopath. I have known for a long time that we do not think the same way. I've know what she could do to family too.
My inclination was to continue to stands by her and be there for her, but to encourage to seek psychological help. I just wrote he another tough love letter. You can imagine how that went over. Due to our dysfunctional youth,
I Did most of her parenting. I feel very responsible for any problems she has. I did not realize it was biological. I really wanted to help her. I've done everything wrong. My sister is brilliant. I know that sound mean and stupid. That's the way I sound to her too. I have heard her tell me in many different about how she feels being "competitive" competitive and "jealous". Until I read what you wrote, I just didn't understand her need to win or that the con was an intel-lectual game. I do know she was the pretty one and the smart one. I was the one the one that was physically abused. I had no idea why she would strike out so hard at the people who have and do love her. I understand that much better now. In spite of all she as done, I care very much about what happens to her. I have learned to keep my thoughts to myself. Though we are in different states, I do feel threatened by her now. I've learned what not to do. If any of you have any ideas about different ways I should be protecting myself and my family, I could really use some advice. Thank you again.
Several articles on sociopaths. Hope this helps: http://learus.wordpress.com/2013/03/04/the-sociopath-a-social-terrorist-part-1/
Please tell me, Eric, what does a sociopath do when they know you are on to them? when they know you can see right through them?
To the March 10 writer on brokenness: Surely you jest! SPs leave town and start over. If they can't do that, they lay low, plotting and scheming. After a time, when others' anger have waxed in intensity, the SP reaches out convincingly and persistently, knowing the goodness and forgiveness of others will be there, as in the past, until they get what they want, and rise like the phoenix out of their own ashes.
After reading this article I have come to the conclusion that my daughter age 30 is not Bi Polar she is a sociopath. She thrives on attention from face book! She can look me in the face and tell me she hates me without any I'm sorry I said that. She acts like I owe her the world. She shows no sign of guilt after she hurts people. She blames everyone else but herself for the things she does. For instance an incident accured with my 5 year old granddaughter at pre K with a 4 yr. old little boy, my daughter posted this on face book. To a normal person we would have known that it was wrong on many levels. When drama got started from an upset relative of the boy my daughter kept engaging her instead of blocking the girl. Try explaining to my daughter that posting that was wrong and she just won't have it. She's always take take take never give. Now my problem is my granddaughter I love her more than anything and if I remove my daughter from my life I lose my granddaughter, I just don't know what to do! :(
What to do when kids are involved. That is the toughest question. Here is our answer so far:
http://sociopathcomments.blogspot.com/2008/11/question-of-kids.html
I am dating a girl who is 20 and had a long history of sexual abuse. She has told me she was diagnosed by her therapist as a sociopath. After reading the pages explaining the traits of a sociopath, I feel that she isn't one, and is suffering from PTSD (or the other disorder you spoke of). The reason I think this is first off why when entering a new relationship would you state you are a sociopath if they bring with them negative connotations? Also, She is probably one of the most caring girls I've dated, she cleans my home, cooks for me, has improved my health, is concerned about me spending too much on her, and drives me to get into better physical shape. Granted she doesn't have a job, and does this as payment.
In her past she has had several boyfriends who she has cheated on, and she loves the attention she gets from guys, but she seems to stop them when they start to go too far, or head down that path. She has also stated the reason she cheated on her boyfriends was because it wasn't working out anymore, and she just didn't leave them yet. After hearing the stories and meeting some of these people, I can see why. She also told me she has been in love with me for the past three years (I was in another relationship in which she respected and made it seem she had no interest in me to spare the current girlfriend's feelings). All of her previous boyfriends she cheated on were during the time she says she was in love with me, and was basically killing time until I was available. Granted, this could be all lies, but I did see signs of her being interested in me, but since I was in a relationship, not to mention she was under age, I had no desire to go there.
She claims I am the best man she has ever met, and that she is scared of losing me. She says she hates this feeling and tries to block emotion so she won't get hurt, but this fear of loss keeps creeping in. I am about 19 years older than her, and I think she is attracted to me because I am like a father figure to her, and she can have the life she was robbed of in her childhood this way. Feeling safe, loved, etc. Though she also fears me dying and leaving her all alone.
She treats certain people with disrespect, and seems to want power over them, but she also has many people that she cherishes, and will bend over backwards to help.
She fits the easy to anger over trivial things, and demands an apology from me, even when I feel like what has happened is just as much her fault as it is mine. But then she runs off to another room to sulk for the night and by morning she is apologizing to me and saying she loves me and is very sorry for her actions.
She was taught to read people, and she does it pretty well, but she worries me because she uses this talent to determine if someone is "safe" to hang out with, give a ride home, etc. I'm worried she will get kidnapped, killed, or something. I'm jealous from time to time due to her becoming "friends" with the guys who start off communications with her by hitting on her, but she says after speaking with them for awhile and making it clear she has a boyfriend, she feels they are safe to be friends with. I feel that if someone hits on you and continues to after you say you have a boyfriend, that shows you their intentions, and they aren't friend material. More someone who wants to be close to you so when/if you break up they can swoop in and grab her up. I know I am a bit jealous in this regard, but with as flirty as she is, her age, and her past of cheating, I feel I'm justified in feeling this way a bit.
Lastly, her jealousy issues. She gets jealous if I look in the direction of another girl, if I comment on another girl, when friends (women) who I have known for a long time and are married touch me.
Any insight you guys have would be greatly appreciated.
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